Hello, welcome to Welcome Back to Trended Care.
Today's episode is going to be a little bit of a reality -check.
If you're someone who wonders why you're always in a bad mood or you wonder why things aren't working out for you, they're not going the way that you want, but you look to blame everything and everyone else but yourself, this episode is going to be for you.
We're going to get real, and talk about what things are going to help us grow and what's holding us back.
So grab a drink. I'm currently drinking a hot coffee because it's June but it feels like March. It's still so cold out So I've been drinking hot coffees every morning Get comfy and let's talk about what it really means to protect your energy and stop Ruining things for yourself.
So let's get into it The first thing that's going to help you protect your energy is avoiding gossip and drama.
I think a lot of people unintentionally contribute to gossip and talking badly about other people because they want connection.
They want to have friends and they want to have things to talk about and an easy thing to talk about with others is things that you don't like.
We can all find things that rub us the wrong way or piss us off and we can go on and on about how terrible our day was.
Venting is an easy way to connect with other people and then also when you are a people pleaser or you're trying really hard to be accepted by certain people, you may, again, unintentionally contribute to gossip and talking badly about other people because you just wanna go along with what other people are saying, what other people are doing and you want to contribute to the conversation so those people know that you agree with them because you want them to like you.
But the conversations that we have and the words that we speak play such a bigger role than just in that moment.
They affect how we feel, even after the conversations ended.
When you're only focused on the negative, you're going to be more negative.
It's going to bring you down.
What you focus on, you feed.
If you're always looking for negativity, that's what you're going to attract.
It shapes how you think and how you feel.
It's like programming your brain to only look for the negative side of things.
All the bad things that went wrong that day, all the reasons that you don't like that person, and you end up disregarding all of the good things that happen that day or all the good things that are happening in your life.
Also, when you're so wrapped up in other people's lives, you know, what this person said, who's mad at who, who's doing worse than you?
It distracts you from your own life.
You're putting all of your energy into other people and other things that aren't good for you and you're putting no energy into the things that are actually going to uplift you and help you grow.
you're not going to have time to work towards your goals and level up if all of your energy is going to other people and what they're doing or what they're thinking.
Instead of worrying so much about other people or trying to police their lives, use that energy to do better with yours.
Number two, let go of what you can't control.
Think about something that is really bothering you right now or has bothered you in the past that you know you can't change you can't do anything about it.
Maybe that's how someone feels about you, or how someone's treated you, or plans getting canceled on you.
Now that you're thinking about that thing, how do you feel?
How does it feel to know that you can't do anything to change a situation?
I ask this because when I'm struggling with something like that, I get really anxious.
Sometimes to the point where I feel sick.
It doesn't feel good to not only feel out of control, but to know that you have no control over something.
It's like being in the passenger seat of someone driving recklessly, you feel stuck and hopeless because you're like, I can't do anything about this, I can't change the outcome.
As a chronic overthinker, I have learned that overthinking something that you can't change is not going to change it.
It doesn't matter how long I sit and think about how I can make this person feel differently about me, they're going to feel the way they feel no matter what I do.
I can do my best to try to smooth them over and I can be on my best behavior and be so nice to them and be so giving to them but at the end of the day that's not up to me.
It's up to them. They get to choose how they feel about me regardless of my behavior or actions.
So what's the point of using all my energy to try and change a situation that's not mine to change?
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Control creates tension no matter how good your intentions are it's like trying to Control your partner and make them a good partner.
You have good intentions.
You want them to be good to you You want your relationship to work?
But now there's tension between you two because they feel like you're trying to micromanage them and tell them what to do Letting go create space.
You can't make someone do something that they don't want to do and you can't change someone who doesn't want to be changed, but you can let go of the idea of trying to change them and hopefully they decide on their own to be better to you and be better for you.
You can give them the opportunity to prove themselves to you but once they prove to you that they don't want to, you can't change that.
You have to accept that or move on.
It's like the let them theory, letting go of the need to control other people and other things and just letting it be what it is and accepting what it is, even if it's not what you want.
Letting people show you where they stand and how they feel.
For example, let's say that all your friends are hanging out without you and you're really upset that they didn't invite you and you're like, why didn't they invite me?
Why didn't they want me to be there?
And you even text them asking like, hey, why wasn't I invited?
Sure, you can keep texting them in hopes that they're gonna respond and tell you why you weren't invited or even invite you so you can go hang out with them, but at the end of the day, what they choose to do and how they treat you is out of your control.
You can't make someone be a good friend.
You can't make someone want to be in your life.
So let them. Let them show you how they feel and what they want to do without you interjecting.
They will show you exactly what they want and it might not be what you want but at least you know.
At least you're not sitting there wondering all the ways that you can try to fix this thing when it's not yours to fix.
You didn't cause this problem, you don't need to fix this problem.
When you let things be and you stop trying to fix everything and control everything, your mind gets quieter.
There's not so much of, what did I do wrong?
What can I do better?
How do I fix this? How do I stop this?
Letting go of things that you cannot control is freedom, it is freeing to allow yourself to stop overthinking and just accept that this thing is out of your hands, it's out of your control.
When you stop trying to control the narrative or control other people or control the situation you have more time and more energy to focus on what is in your control.
You might not be able to control how your friends treat you, but you do have control over who you surround yourself with.
You can't make your friends invite you, but you can make other friends who actually want to spend time with you.
Number three, not everything deserves your attention.
I'm a very impulsive person, I'm very fiery, hello, I'm an Aries, and I grew up in a household where conflict was handled with more conflict, with confrontation, with yelling.
And I've had to unlearn that.
I've had to unlearn that the only way to get your point across is being loud.
Because sometimes it's actually the opposite.
Sometimes choosing stillness and just removing yourself from a situation sends more of a message than shouting all the reasons why you're right or doing everything that you can to defend yourself.
No message is still a message.
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Not everything needs this big reaction and a lot of the time the people you give this reaction to aren't deserving of that.
They're looking for reaction.
They're looking for you to get mad.
They're looking for you to look crazy.
Don't give them that satisfaction.
They're not deserving of that satisfaction.
There's going to be people that do some really messed up things.
There's gonna be people who drive you insane but just seeing their disrespect and being aware of how despicable they are or how awful that situation was is enough.
You don't need to feed into it more and you don't need to stoop down their level.
There's going to be times where people really test you and they say some really hurtful things to you or do some really hurtful things to you or the people in your life and you're gonna want to defend yourself but you don't always have to.
It's not always necessary because some of those people aren't looking for resolution, they're looking for conflict.
No matter how much you try to level with this person or try to make sense of the situation or try to explain the situation to that person, if they have their mind made up about you or a mind made up about the situation and they're not budging, defending yourself does nothing for you other than give that person more of your time and more of your energy that they don't deserve.
Like I said, I grew up in an environment where yelling was acceptable, insults were acceptable, using your words as weapons was acceptable, and it took me a long time to unlearn that and heal from that and not be that.
So if someone now wants to come at me and expects me to get to that level, I'm not going to because I work so hard to get out of that place.
Don't let other people and their negativity and their immaturity and their lack of love for their life bring you down.
Don't give your energy to that type of behavior.
or focus on what uplifts you, not what brings you down or brings you back to a place that you've outgrown.
Number four, stop comparing yourself to others.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
You could have an incredible life, you could have everything that you've ever dreamed of, but be so unaware of it because your attention is elsewhere and your focus is on what others have and what others are doing.
You see someone else succeeding and you immediately correlate that to, I'm failing.
It's like everything that you've worked so hard for, everything that you've achieved is erased.
It never happened, or you don't care about it because you're so fixated on, well, this person has this.
Well, this person's doing this and I didn't do that.
I don't have that. And you think you're lacking something all because your life doesn't look identical to that person.
Comparison keeps you in a loop of, I'm not enough.
You never think that you're enough or what you're doing is enough because there's always someone else doing something that you're not.
There's always someone else having something that you don't have. There's always someone else with a different life than your life.
And for some reason, you think it's more special than yours.
Comparing someone else's journey to your journey tricks you into believing that you're lacking something or that you're behind, or it just makes you question your journey.
Like, you might be content working a 9 to 5, and you actually enjoy it, but then you someone else your age succeeding on social media and making more money than you and now you're thinking well did I make the right choice and I'm wasting my time should I be doing something more am I missing out am I lacking something comparison makes you think that you're constantly in competition it makes you feel like life is a competition once you stop comparing yourself to others you won't need to continuously evaluate what you're doing and you could just live your life and enjoy your life and enjoy your journey.
You don't constantly have to be like, well this person did this, so should I be doing this?
Am I making a mistake?
Am I on the right path?
Why has this thing happened for them but not happened for me yet?
Why are they succeeding and I'm not?
When you're actually focused on you, you don't have that noise.
You don't have that noise telling you that you're not doing enough or that you're not good -looking enough or that you're not living your life to the fullest. Letting go of needing to look to others to determine your value, create space for gratitude, and fulfillment.
Once you stop looking at other people's lives is when you start being grateful for your life and the people in your life and the things that you've got to do and the opportunities that are presented to you.
I think there's a lot of relief and knowing that no matter what, everyone is on their own path and you can't take away something that's meant for someone else and vice versa.
Other people can succeed and so can you.
Success looks different for everyone.
So there's no reason to compete.
Like you shouldn't be competing with other people.
The only person you should be competing with is past versions of you looking back at who you used to be and what you used to do and wanting to be better and wanting to grow and do more.
Number five, learn how to say no. More than likely if you have a hard time saying no, you're a people pleaser and you might have good intentions and you might want to make other people happy and be the best friend or the best partner or the best worker, but when you're always saying yes to other people, you have less time to say yes to yourself.
You're showing up for other people while neglecting you and your needs.
I think what causes people to be people pleasers is at some point in their life they were taught that they're only needed and they're only valuable when they're accessible to other people.
They were only rewarded or acknowledged when they were being of need to someone else and they were only included when they went along with what that person said, or there was a time in their life where they said no, or they stuck up for themselves, or they went against the grain and they got shut out for that and they were made out to be a bad person and because of that they're afraid of going through that again.
They're afraid to be made out to be a bad person and now they associate saying no with being a bad person or being difficult or being selfish.
But setting boundaries does not make you bad person.
Being accessible to someone 24 7 does not make you any better than someone who shows up for the people in their life when they're able to.
Your value shouldn't be determined by how willing you are to give to others.
Your friend shouldn't be judging your friendship on how often you're able to hang out with them or how much money you're able to spend on them.
if someone is unwilling to accept your no, maybe consider the only reason they were keeping you around was because of how often you said yes.
Maybe consider that your connection is dependent on how willing you are to give to them.
Maybe consider if someone is able to shut you out and stop being your friend because you set a boundary, that they were taking advantage of the fact that you didn't have any.
They liked being your friend because they could walk all over you.
They like the fact that you didn't have boundaries.
You don't need to drop everything for other people.
Just because someone asks for your help doesn't mean you need to help them.
Just because someone invites you somewhere doesn't mean you have to say yes.
Just because someone calls you or texts you doesn't mean that you need to respond.
You're not in trouble for not being accessible 24 -7.
You don't need to justify why you're not able to do something for someone.
Just because you don't have plans with someone else or you're not working, doesn't mean you need to drop what you're doing to go and be accessible for them.
It doesn't mean that you're not busy.
And I'm not saying busy as in you're doing a million things.
Busy can just be, I'm busy with myself.
I'm busy spending time alone.
I'm busy relaxing. I'm busy decompressing.
I'm busy keeping promises to myself.
If you're struggling, if you're trying to make ends meet, if you're overworking yourself, why do you think that other person is more deserving of your time?
You don't think that you deserve the time to relax?
You don't think you deserve to replenish yourself to take care of your needs?
You just worked 60 hours last week and your friend's like, hey, do you wanna go on a bender this weekend?
You're gonna say yes to that when you know you need to sleep and recharge?
Saying no doesn't make you a bad person.
If someone can't understand why you're saying no, what does that say about them?
You're expected to be super considerate of other people but they can't be considerate of the fact that you need to take care of you and your needs and your life.
Protecting your peace and taking care of yourself is so much more important than pleasing other people all the time, especially other people that wouldn't be doing that for you and have never done that for you.
Lastly, number six, stay away from energy drainers.
Have you ever come home from hanging out with someone else and you just feel bad?
You feel achy, like you weren't the best version of you or you're questioning if you're a good person or if people like you, or if you're annoying, you come home and you're like, wow I was super negative or wow I don't feel good about myself.
That person made me feel really dismissed like I wasn't even there.
Other people and their energy directly affects us so if you're hanging out with someone who is negative who complains a lot, who gossips a lot, who's mean to other people, that's going to impact how you feel even if you are not being negative.
When you're around negativity it's going to rub off on you and make you feel bad.
Think about when you're out with someone and you're trying to have a good night, and they're like, I don't want to be here.
I'm not having a good time and they're rushing you even though you don't feel that way their behavior is affecting you and it's harder to have a good time.
A lot of people disregard how the people in their life make them feel because it's their friends or their family or their partner and they're like, well, I love this person.
So it is what it is and they just deal with it, but these These people, even people who are blood related to you, are supposed to be an addition to your life.
They should be adding to your life, not taking away.
They shouldn't be taking away your peace, they shouldn't be taking away your confidence, they shouldn't be taking away your happiness.
You should be going out with your friends to have a good time, to decompress, to celebrate.
Not to feel more stressed or more upset when you're around them.
Learn to be aware of how people make you feel.
When you're around them or when you talk to them, are you more tense?
Do you feel more drained?
Are you doubting yourself?
Every time you talk about your goals to this person or these people, do you leave feeling like they're achievable or do you feel like you're wasting your time and it's never going to happen?
Do you feel bad about yourself?
Do you feel better or worse after being around these people or talking to these people?
These are important questions because it can tell you a lot about how others in their presence impacts you emotionally and mentally.
Especially if there's a pattern, especially if every time you're with this person or with these people, this is how you feel.
Sometimes it takes being around people who give you energy to realize that there's people in your life who are energy drainers.
When you leave feeling like, Oh my God, I had the best time.
I feel so good. I can't wait to talk to them again.
I can't wait to see them again.
It's a lot easier to be like, wait a minute.
when I hung out with that other person, I left feeling defeated and feeling bad about myself.
It took me being around people who would listen to me talk about my dreams and aspirations and didn't laugh in my face or tell me that I was being delusional or I was being stupid and actually added to the conversation of like, oh my god, I love that, this is what I'm working on, and encouraged me for me to be like, wait a minute, why am I even entertaining people who make me feel bad for wanting more out of my life.
Why am I hanging out with people who make fun of these things that are so important to me?
I would hang out with these people who I would call my friends but treated me like I was someone who they would gossip about in their group chat.
I would leave feeling like I just got bullied.
Like I just got annihilated by people that I call my friends.
You don't deserve to be around those kind of people.
Those are energy vampires.
They don't want you to do better.
They don't want you to feel good.
They want you to come down to their level, but don't recognize who these people are.
Who are the people who are adding to my problems?
Who are taking away my peace?
Who are making me question my value and detach yourself from them?
Remove yourself from the situation.
Remove them from your life because you can't find peace surrounded by people who only want chaos.
mic drop there, I'm going to end today's episode there.
I feel like that's a real good place to stop.
I hope that this episode gave you a little encouragement to start protecting your peace and letting go of what's no longer serving you, whether that's a person or a habit or just the pressure to be everything for everyone.
I hope that it was a nice little reminder that you don't need to explain yourself or over think your every move, or be this perfect person for everyone, not even for yourself.
If you like today's episode, I would so appreciate it if you let me know on Spotify, you can leave a comment, on Instagram you can DM me.
If you could share it, share it with a friend who you think needs to hear this.
Would love that. If you want to follow me on social media, my Instagrams are ashleycorbo and then trying not to care podcast. I think I always mess up that name.
It's linked on my personal Instagram.
My tik toks are Ashley C Corbeau and try not to care podcast again That's linked on my personal too and my YouTube Ashley Corbeau for for for that's everything for today as always Thank you so much for listening.
I hope you enjoyed it and I will talk to you next Monday.
Love you
