Hi, everyone.
Welcome back to Podcast and Chill.
I'm Gwen.
And I'm Leo.
So, how's your day going, Leo?
Honestly, not great.
Oh, no.
What happened?
Well, I went to buy ice cream this morning.
Strawberry, my favorite.
Good choice.
Yeah, but then some people at the shop started laughing at me.
Wait, seriously?
Why?
No idea, but I got so angry that I threw the ice cream away and walked out.
Oh, Leo, that must have hurt.
Yeah, I couldn't stop myself.
I just lost it.
You know what?
That happens to a lot of people.
Getting angry is normal.
Really?
Of course.
What about you, friends?
Has anyone ever laughed at your English or said something that made you upset?
If yes, you're not alone.
Most people don't even realize why they react that way.
Or how to stop it.
Including me, apparently.
I can tell.
But don't worry.
That's exactly what we'll talk about today.
Perfect.
I'm ready to calm down and learn something new.
Let's get started.
So, Leo, do you know how anger starts?
No idea.
It starts with our brain.
I don't get it.
When something bad happens, like when someone laughs at us or says something mean, our brain sees it as a sign of danger.
And?
Your brain thinks you're in danger, so it wants to protect you.
It does that by releasing stress hormones.
Stress hormones?
What are those, and how do they protect me?
Hormones are a special thing in your body that make you ready to react.
When they show up, people often react in one of three ways.
Three ways?
What are they?
The first way is fight.
That means you want to attack or argue.
Oh, I wanted to shout at those people, but I didn't do that. because you reacted with the flight.
That means you want to run away.
You want to leave the situation fast.
I did leave the shop really quickly.
And the third way is freeze.
That means you stop.
You don't know what to do.
You just stand there and can't move or speak.
I felt that before too, like when a teacher asked me a question and I couldn't think of any answer.
Yes, that's freeze.
So these three reactions, fight, flight, freeze.
Your body just does them.
So I can't control them?
Nope.
You can't control how your body reacts at first.
But the good news is those reactions don't last long.
It only lasts about 90 seconds.
Only 90 seconds, but I still feel upset about the ice cream, and that was hours ago.
If it's not the hormones anymore, then what's keeping me angry?
Glad that you mentioned it, Leo.
What you're feeling now is not from those stress hormones anymore.
It's your thoughts about the situation that keep you angry.
What did you think people laughed at you?
I was thinking, why are they so mean?
And this is so embarrassing.
Those thoughts kept you angry.
If you keep thinking the same thoughts over and over, your anger will stay.
How does it even make sense?
Well, imagine you're making toast and you burn it.
The fire alarm goes off.
What should you do?
Turn off the toaster, of course, and then open the window to let the smoke out.
Right?
And then the alarm stops.
But what if you don't open the window?
What?
What if, instead, you completely don't care about the burning toast?
You make more toast.
The alarm would keep beeping.
There would be more smoke.
The fire would even probably start.
Nobody in their right mind would do that.
Yes, now think about the fire as your anger and the alarm system as your brain.
Oh, the first 90 seconds are the alarm going off.
That's how the system reacts when it feels danger.
You can't stop it right away, But it will shut down after a while if there is no more smoke.
But no, you keep making more toast and then more smoke.
You see the picture now?
I see.
So every time I think, those people were so mean, I'm making more burnt toast?
Yeah.
You're keeping the alarm on.
You choose to stay angry.
Wow.
I never thought about anger like that.
Most people don't.
They think, I can't help it.
I'm just angry.
But the fact is you're feeding the feeling.
You're keeping it alive with your thoughts.
After the first 90 seconds, it's your choice to be angry.
Okay, but how?
How do I just stop being angry?
The most important thing is to notice what you're feeling.
Don't ignore it, but also don't feed it.
How can I do it?
Let's pretend you're talking with someone.
They say something that makes you angry.
You kind of want to say something back.
Okay, that's fight, right?
Yes.
Now, if you just react without thinking, what might happen?
I might say something mean.
They get hurt.
Or they get angry too.
Things get worse.
Do you want that to happen?
No, absolutely not.
So, that's how you notice it.
You see your anger and its result.
I get it now.
What should I do after I notice it?
Wait 90 seconds.
Let the feeling pass through you like a wave.
Don't hold it, but don't push it away.
Just let it be there for a moment.
That sounds hard.
It is at first, but it's only 90 seconds.
It's not even half of a song.
You're right.
So, friends, remember this.
Reactions are natural and it's okay to feel embarrassed or angry.
But keeping them going is our choice.
But Gwen, I still wonder about how we react in the first 90 seconds.
I mean, why do we get angry when people laugh at us?
Why can't we laugh?
Great question, Leo.
It's called the button pusher myth.
Button pusher?
What's that?
Have you ever heard someone say, he really knows how to push my buttons?
Or, she pushed all my buttons today?
Oh, yes.
I say that all the time.
Like, those people at the ice cream shop, they really pushed my buttons.
Right.
We all say that.
That means to cause a strong reaction or emotion in someone.
So, in other words, they have power over my feelings?
The truth is opposite.
Nobody has the buttons to control your emotions.
Nobody can push them.
That's why we call it a myth, an idea we think is true but actually isn't.
But it really feels like they do.
I know it feels that way, but the buttons are actually inside you.
For real?
For real.
They're old injuries that are still open, or they're values that are important to you.
What do you mean by that?
Remember the ice cream story?
Why did you get so angry when they laughed?
Because they were making fun of me and I felt embarrassed.
Yes, but why did that hurt so much?
Hmm.
The thing is, when I was in school, kids always made fun of me.
I hated it.
And those people at the ice cream shop reminded me of those times.
See?
So it's not really about the ice cream.
It's about that old pain from school.
Wow, I never connected those things before.
Most people don't.
Imagine you're speaking a foreign language with your friends.
You say a word wrong.
Everyone laughs.
You feel terrible and say, I hate speaking this language.
Yeah, that happened to me when I first started learning French.
Actually, it still happens to me even now.
But do you really hate French?
Or are you scared of something else?
I guess I'm just scared of being judged.
See?
The real button is your fear of being judged.
Can we remove it?
It's not easy to remove it completely.
You can work on it.
Like how?
When something makes you angry, stop and ask, What is this really about?
What am I actually feeling?
Why does this hurt so much?
I see.
Answering those questions will help me see the real reason for my reaction.
That's right.
That's how you understand yourself better.
You know you're not just angry at some people.
You're just dealing with your own fear.
So if I understand my buttons, people can't push them anymore?
Well, they can still try.
But you won't react the same way because it's about your fears, not them.
That makes so much sense now, looking back at the ice cream situation.
Yes.
Well, if I knew they were just trying to annoy me for fun, then getting angry means I did exactly what they wanted.
I gave them power over me.
That's right.
So what could you do differently?
I could just smile and eat my ice cream like nothing happened.
That would be so much better, because then you keep your power.
You stay calm, and they don't control your feelings.
And I don't waste my delicious ice cream.
Now you know, you can use this next time.
I swear I will just ignore them completely next time.
Oh, ignoring.
That's actually a type of avoidance.
So, is that bad?
Not always.
There are two types of avoidance, positive and negative.
How are they different?
First is negative avoidance.
This happens when you avoid something.
Because you're scared or you want to protect yourself.
What does that look like?
You stay silent.
You avoid talking about the problem.
You pretend everything is fine, but really, you're just afraid to face the situation.
And what happens?
Your emotions stay inside you.
The problem never gets solved.
The relationship stays broken.
Nothing gets better.
Can it be that bad?
Imagine you're angry at someone.
But instead of talking to them, you just act like nothing is wrong.
You smile and say, I'm fine.
But inside, you're still upset.
Ugh, I've done that many times.
Most people have.
And for our friends out there.
I'm sure you have posted comments in English on social media once or twice before.
I'm also sure there were times someone pointed out your mistakes.
Maybe you used a word incorrectly, or your grammar wasn't quite correct.
You felt embarrassed, so you deleted the comment, and then you avoided posting in English for weeks.
Ouch!
That's me, but with French.
See?
That's negative avoidance.
You're running away because you're afraid, but the fear never goes away.
It just gets bigger.
So what's positive avoidance?
Is it bad too?
Positive avoidance is very different.
It's when you step back because you want to calm down and see things more clearly.
So I'm not running away?
Nope.
You're just taking a break to calm down.
You stop for a moment, then you come back when you're ready.
So the goal is not to avoid forever?
The goal is to create a safe space so your brain can think clearly again.
Think about this.
You're giving a presentation at work in a foreign language.
Maybe it's English to you, our friends, or French to Leo.
Okay, what's next?
Your colleague asks you to repeat something because they didn't understand.
You feel nervous.
Your face gets hot.
That would make me so scared.
But instead of being scared, you take a breath.
You slow down.
And then you say it again more clearly.
That's positive avoidance.
You took a moment to calm yourself.
Oh, so I'm not running away.
I'm just pausing.
That's what I meant.
So, avoidance is good if we use the positive one?
Yes, and if you use it at the right time.
What is the right time to use positive avoidance?
First, when you're too emotional.
If you keep talking now, you'll make things worse.
That makes sense.
Second, when the other person isn't ready to listen, like what?
Maybe they're too angry too this time.
They are too emotional.
They can't take in what you say.
There's no point in talking yet, right?
So no talking until both sides calm down Exactly.
And third, positive avoidance is useful.
When you need time to think clearly about what you want to say.
Well, in that case, I would need a lot of time.
But I can't just leave the other person there.
Saying nothing would make them confused.
It's true, but you don't have to lie about why you stay quiet.
In those moments, you can say something like, I need some time to calm down.
Let's talk about this later when I can think more clearly.
And that's okay to say?
Yes.
It shows that you care for yourself and the other person.
Okay.
So I step back, I calm down.
Then what?
I mean, I can't just suddenly have better things to say. you can reframe your thoughts.
This means looking at the situation from a different point of view.
How?
Instead of thinking they're attacking me or they want to hurt me, you should think they're not trying to hurt me.
They're just upset right now.
They're speaking from their own anger.
So, I change how I see what happened?
That's right.
You go from being the victim to being someone who understands.
You're learning instead of just suffering.
Hmm.
That does sound possible.
Of course.
When you reframe, the negative feelings get much smaller.
You feel calmer.
Sometimes you even feel calm or understanding instead of anger.
So positive avoidance gives me time, and reframing helps me see things differently?
Yeah, they work together.
So remember, when you feel angry, first you should step back from the situation.
Then you use that time to change how you see things.
That sounds like a lot of control.
Well, actually, that gives you control.
Positive avoidance is a tool.
When you use it right, you can protect your peace and respond better.
You know what?
I hate fighting and arguing, but now I really want it to happen so I can try out this positive avoidance.
So friends, it's time to wrap up.
We talked about a lot of things today.
We learned how our anger starts, how it grows, and how we can stop it.
Remember that anger is a natural feeling.
Everyone gets angry, but keeping it alive is our choice.
It lasts longer only if we keep thinking about it.
And don't forget that nobody can control your emotions unless you let them.
I know we can't avoid being too emotional sometimes.
So when that happens, practice positive avoidance.
Right?
Don't run away.
You just need to take a step back.
Give yourself time to calm down and think clearly.
Positive avoidance doesn't mean you're weak.
Yeah, it actually shows that you're smart enough to have a plan to protect your peace and feelings.
You know Gwen, I think I'll still buy strawberry ice cream, but this time I'll eat it with a big smile.
That's the best kind of response.
Thanks for hanging out with us today, friends.
I'm Gwen.
And I'm Leo.
See you next time on Podcast and Chill.
