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You're listening to Life Kit.
From NPR.
Hey everybody, it's MaryL.
Let me introduce you to two step sisters.
My name is Lisa Gerard.
I am Kirsten Brent-Chames.
So it was the early 70s.
Lisa's dad and Kirsten's mom were both widowed and they have three kids each.
Yeah, kind of like the Brady Bunch.
The parents were old friends from school.
They started dating one summer.
And then they got married in two months.
I was shocked.
It was shocking to us as well.
Kirsten had to move from her home in California to Texas.
Living in a new house with a new step family.
Go to a new school.
I cried.
I think we were upset.
Yeah, it was like, you're kidding me.
You're ruining my life.
We weren't going anywhere, but it's still shocking to us.
But 50 years later, these step siblings are super close.
All six of them video chat every week to catch up.
And they consider each other siblings.
No prefix needed.
When people ask me, are you close to your siblings?
I say yes.
Consider as close.
Love them all.
Yeah, they're all my siblings.
Yeah.
If you're a parent trying to blend your family
with your partner's family, this is the dream, right?
But the truth is it may not happen this way.
And it certainly won't happen instantly.
NPR Health Correspondent Maria Godore has been reporting
on this.
She interviewed Kirsten and Lisa and talked to researchers
like Patricia Papardow, who says, you've got to take things
slowly.
Becoming a STEM family is a process.
It is not an event.
It takes time.
That's true for step siblings.
And it's also true for the relationship
between a step parent and a step child.
A step mom, Kylie Thompson puts it.
Step parenting is not a short game.
This is a long game.
If you're in for the long term with your new husband or wife,
you have to be even longer in there for your step kids.
On today's episode of Life Kit, how to blend a family.
I talked to NPR's Maria Godore about what she found, how
to win to introduce your kids to their potential step
family, how to create opportunities for the kids to bond
without forcing anything.
And what research shows is the most helpful and appropriate
role for a step parent.
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Okay, so Maria, how soon should a couple think about bringing
their kids together?
Like, how early is too early?
Yeah, so the researchers I spoke to say
it's actually better to start early.
I mean, you want to wait until you're pretty sure that your
new partner is going to be around for the long haul.
So, you know, obviously you're not going to do this on the
second date.
But once you get a sense that this is a relationship with legs,
start bringing the kids together on outings that are low
stakes, weights for them to connect.
So, you know, things like taking them ice skating or swimming
or picnicking or whatever.
Larry Ganon is an emeritus professor at the University of
Missouri and a long time step family researcher.
He says the goal is to create opportunities for the kids to
hang out both with their parents and with each other.
So, they can get to know each other and find out what they
might have in common.
Talking about opportunities, you know, when they're together,
they're like, you know, what's your, you know, what's your
favorite color?
Do you like Taylor Swift?
Do you know what's your favorite sports teams?
That's, you know, the ways the kids make connections with each
other.
And so, that's sort of encouragement to do this.
And to do that without like high stakes pressure.
Mm-hmm.
That makes a lot of sense.
I wonder what if these kids don't like each other from the jump?
Is there any way to overcome that without being too pushy?
Yeah, you don't want to be pushy.
You just want to create those opportunities and maybe find
things that they haven't common.
And maybe you want to, I don't know, load the dice a little
because you know what they have in common.
Like, you might want to say, hey, you know, don't you guys
both like to play Fortnite or whatnot?
So you just find those opportunities that they may have in common.
But don't push it.
It's a good life experience in some ways for kids because like,
you're not going to like everyone you're thrown together with.
You're not going to like every person you work with.
You're not going to like your roommate in college necessarily.
And you might still have to live with them.
Right.
And the other thing is that this takes a lot of time.
You know, one of the best ways I heard it describe is that
becoming a step family is a process.
It's not an event.
It can take several years really to build that sense of identity.
And for the kids involved, there's just so much change that's
happening that they didn't instigate, right?
Caroline, Santa is a researcher.
I talked to it Virginia Tech.
She studies step family relationships.
And she really points out that for the kids involved,
this whole process of step family formation is something that
they don't control.
Feeling kind of forced to bond with these new family members can be
really overwhelming.
So allowing them to go at their own pace, really honoring their feelings
and the speed at which they want to bond allows them, I think,
to be much more receptive to bonding with their step siblings.
Whereas if it feels forced, no one wants to be, you know,
in a relationship with someone where it feels forced.
So Maria, you mentioned doing low stakes activities,
like a sport together.
So the kids can bond.
What else do the experts recommend?
So there are a few things.
One is to create new family rituals.
And that can be things like shared family meals or family outings
with all the kids.
And it's also things like showing up as a family to support each other
at activities.
So if one kid has a soccer game or they're performing in a player,
what have you?
The parent, the step siblings, and the step parent would all go to cheer them on.
It's really just trying to create a sense of unity.
But what's also really important that may seem a little less obvious
is to realize that the relationship between a parent and their child
can actually play a really, really big role, a critical role in how
step siblings get along.
For the kid, they see that their family structure is different.
They've got new step siblings, new step parent, maybe a new house or a new school.
And the kids sees their parent developing new relationships
with their partner and with their partner's kids.
So they're step siblings.
Caroline's standard says all of this can be a lot.
And that can create feelings of jealousy, but that often comes from
something much deeper, which is a feeling of loss or grief or feeling
really anxious about the ways in which your relationship with your parent is changing.
She says that's why it's really important to set aside one on one time
to help them feel secure in that relationship so that they know that their mom or dad
is still going to be there for them.
That's not changing.
And research shows that when the kids feel secure in that relationship
they are much less likely to be negative toward their step sibling
and that helps them be more open to bonding.
That makes a lot of sense.
I mean, I imagine this is a huge adjustment for most kids.
What if you can tell that your child is really upset with you
or even resent you for changing up the family structure?
Well, one of the things research is advised is to look at things from the kids perspective.
And just talk to them about what they're feeling, what they're going through.
Their concerns might be getting lost in the shuffle of merging households.
So just take the time to check in with them and hear what's bothering them.
Researchers say validating kids feelings, holding up a mirror and saying
what you're feeling I hear you, that can go a long way even if you don't have all the answers.
Patricia Paparnault is a psychologist who has written several books and step family relationships
and she's been working in this field for decades.
She says validating kids feelings can be especially helpful in situations where
for example, a dad has remarried and now lives with his new step kids
but his biological kids from his first marriage live with their mother.
She says that can often breed resentment.
For the kids who are his kids from the first marriage coming in as outsiders,
I have to watch my dad spending more time with his new partner's kids than he does with me.
And that's painful.
And what helps with that is if the adults can get it.
The best medicine for a disregulated kid is a parent who gets it.
And it means that dad has to be able to say I feel guilty and instead of shutting down,
he has to turn to his daughters and say this has to be hard to watch.
Tell me about it.
Researcher say these kinds of open honest conversations between a parent and a kid can be healing.
It can help kids be more open to a positive relationship with their step siblings.
Yeah. So up until now, I mean we've been talking a lot about relationships
between step siblings but let's talk a little about step parenting, right?
And that relationship. I guess first of all, how do you foster that connection
between a step parent and a step child?
Well, when you're a parent, you're told that you're not your child's friend,
you're there to parent. But what's really interesting is when it comes to step families,
the advice is really different. It actually turns out that a friendly support system
on a mentor is what step parents should aim to be. You know, you want to reassure that child
that you're not there to replace their other parent. You know, you're just there to be on their side.
That may seem strange to people, but what Patricia Paparnau and other researchers and psychologists I spoke to say
is that step families are fundamentally different structures than first time families.
You know, families from first marriages and what works in one situation may actually backfire in another.
So another place that this plays out, which may surprise people,
and which actually goes against a lot of the advice that is given out there like on social media,
is when it comes to discipline, right? So when you're in a first time family,
you know, first time married family parents, you know, often told to like back each other up
when it comes to discipline to present a united front. But that's not necessarily a case with a step family.
Really, the research is crystal clear on this that discipline should be left to the parent.
So if a step parent is allowed to discipline their step child before they've had time to develop
a caring, trusting relationship with that child, you know, Patricia Paparnau says things can quickly turn toxic.
In step families, parents need to retain the disciplinary role.
And step parents need to focus on what I call connection, not correction, building a new relationship,
not setting rules. It's reminding me of a lot of the movies I've seen
and the step parents where there's like, the kid is like, you're not my real mom.
And that I could imagine that feeling of like, you don't have authority over me, who the hell are you?
The kid is right in that being a step parent is a different role.
And what researchers say is when you acknowledge that and accept that, it can help things function more smoothly
so that you find your own rhythm, your own pattern as a step family.
Yeah.
Well, along those lines thinking about conflict, how should parents of a blended family navigate conflict between step siblings?
Interestingly, some conflict between step siblings is actually seen as a good thing.
Okay. You know, the way Caroline Sandler puts it, her research has found that conflict can be a sign that steps siblings actually care enough
or are comfortable enough with each other to confront each other about an issue and try to fix it.
You know, being able to bring something up and address it together, even if it's something that you're upset about,
perhaps especially if it's something that you're upset about with a step sibling,
it says a lot about the closeness and quality of that step sibling relationship.
Now, if you're the parents and you're seeing that the step siblings aren't resolving these conflicts on their own,
you know, that's when you might want to step in and talk to the kids and get their ideas for a solution or compromise.
And she says you also want to keep an eye out for any verbal, emotional, or physical abuse that might be going on between the step siblings,
and you know, you need to shut that down right away.
Based on your reporting, it sounds like a lot of the conflict that comes up in a blended family is around fairness, right?
Like maybe one kid thinks they're step sibling, got the nicer bedroom, or is getting more attention from their mom or dad.
How do you navigate those issues as parents and step parents?
Well, yes. So those are actually two of the most common sources of conflict among step siblings.
And that's according to research that Caroline Sandler and Larry Gennong published a few years ago.
Sandler says one thing kids often complain about is that their parent might treat their step sibling differently.
And you know, she says there's actually probably some truth to that because that step parent step child relationship is a different relationship.
So one thing parents can do is just to be more aware about how their interactions with their kids and their step kids might inadvertently create conflict or competition.
You know, don't compare their grades or how good they are at sports really. Don't compare the kids at all, even in ways that might seem harmless or trivial.
Kids can be really sensitive to that and that could become a source of conflict among step siblings.
And then when it comes to issues of her physical space like, you know, who has the bigger bedroom, etc.
Research suggests that these kinds of resentments are often a reflection of the fact that the kid might not be sure of their place in this new step family structure.
Not ignoring that reality, but allowing children to talk about it and asking how they feel about it and acknowledging it and validating those feelings can be really important.
She says it's also important for kids to have space that they can call their own when they go to that household because it can reinforce the fact that they belong there, that they are members of this new step family and not outsiders.
So what if you do all these things and, you know, you bring your family together, your new blended family and the kids just do not want to be close?
Yeah, so not every step sibling relationship will be close, just like not every relationship between biological siblings is close.
In some cases, that closeness among step siblings might not come for many years, for instance, you know, Caroline Sandler told me of instances where step siblings only really got close to each other after one kid went away to college and then they reached out to an older step sibling who had already gone through that process.
And they asked for advice and that brought them closer together.
But you know, this was already many years after they first became step siblings and it's important to be realistic about this and realize that closeness can take a lot of time to develop and it might not happen for everybody and that's okay too.
Okay blended fam, it's time for a recap. Take away one, this takes time. It's a big adjustment and remember this is a process, not a one time event.
Take away two, bring your kids together on low stakes outing so they can bond, think swimming, pickmaking, game nights, you just want to create a sense of togetherness for the kids as a new family unit but not for us anything.
Take away three, maintaining a good relationship with your kid can help make the whole experience of blending a family easier.
And take away four, leave discipline to each kid's parent. Experts say that the most helpful role a step parent can play especially in the beginning is to connect with a kid, not correct them.
For more life kit, check out our other episodes. We have one on Habit Formation and another on how to have a grown up relationship with your siblings.
You can find those at npr.org slash life kit and if you love life kit and you just, you cannot get enough. Subscribe to our newsletter at npr.org slash life kit newsletter.
Also we love hearing from you so if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at life kit at npr.org.
This episode of life kit was produced by Sylvie Douglas. Our visuals editor is Beck Harlin and our digital editor is Malika Garib.
Megan Cain is our supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer. Our production team also includes Andy Tagle, Claremiri Schneider and Margaret Sereno.
Engineering support comes from Ted Meabane, special thanks to Jane Greenhalsh. I'm Mary Alcigara. Thanks for listening.
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