Hello, welcome to or welcome back to Trying Not To Care.
Happy Monday or happy whatever the frick day it is when you listen to this.
Today is a topic that I have been dying to talk about.
I am excited to talk about this because it's something that I think is so important that all women talk about within our groups.
I think that it's important in uplifting women and looking after ourselves.
So Today, I want to talk about decentering men and how to not make a man the center of your world.
I feel like I'm very qualified to talk about this because I unfortunately, was the epitome of a pick me, choose me, love me girl.
I was so male-centered growing up.
I wanted nothing more than to be chosen by just the worst kinds of boys.
And I can say that out loud and I can laugh about it and I can poke fun at myself, because I have transformed myself completely.
And I've gone from centering men to centering myself.
I've gone from making men my entire world to now making myself the focal point.
Like, why wouldn't I, right?
I am the love of my life.
I am the most important person in my life.
I should be the center of my world.
We're going to talk about what de-centering men looks like, signs that you've been centering men without even knowing it, and how to reclaim your power and choose yourself.
I think it's first important to kind of give you my backstory and where my mind was at, where I was at when I was centering these boys and I was making these boys the most important thing in my life.
Obviously, growing up, I had crushes and I liked boys.
But it didn't get as intense as it eventually did until I got into high school and I started dating a senior.
You know how it goes.
I think the reason it became so intense for me was because one, it was very fast paced.
I met him and I immediately liked him.
But also with me being a freshman and him being a senior, I felt like I want something.
I felt like I had something that everyone else wanted, which is crazy because like no one wanted him.
But I felt like I was the chosen one, which is so ridiculous to now say out loud, especially knowing who this guy is.
But with feeling like I had something that everyone else wanted, I became very defensive because I didn't want to lose him.
I was always on edge.
I was always thinking like, What is he doing?
Who is he with?
Is he entertaining other girls?
What other girls are trying to get at my man?
And with this mindset, it made me not a girl's girl.
It made me have this unnecessary anger and resentment towards other girls.
So even if another girl wasn't interested in my guy, which they never were.
Well, actually, that's not true.
A lot of them were.
But even if a girl wasn't interested in my boyfriend at the time and they were just pretty, i was like i don't like her because i thought that my boyfriend might want her, which again is ridiculous to say out loud, because it's like if your boyfriend's going to pursue another girl, that's not your man, like she can have him.
My first real boyfriend, the guy that i dated when i was a freshman, was obviously Not good to me.
If you've listened to this podcast, I've talked about it a million times.
But he was just the worst boyfriend.
I don't even like calling him my ex-boyfriend because yeah, we had the title and sometimes we did things that couples do.
But he never respected me or loved me in the way that a boyfriend should.
But even with him being as awful as he was, I worked my entire life around him.
I would drop everything.
Anything for him, no matter who I was with, what I was doing.
If he called, if he texted, I was on my way over.
I was ready to give him my attention anytime, any day.
And if I wasn't with him, I was thinking about him or I was talking about him.
And I just became insane.
Absolutely insane.
And then after we finally called it quits because we were always on and off.
But once we finally were done, it was over for real and I was going into my senior year.
I had met another guy who happened again to be older than me, actually the same age as my ex.
They were in the same grade, but this was a couple years later.
I was in high school.
He was out of high school which weird okay, you know.
But again dating an older guy, and I thought I had something that everyone wanted, especially because I knew of this guy when I was a freshman and he was a did want and actually thought was really cute.
And because now this guy that I almost idolized wanted me, I was like, oh my god, I can't believe he wants me like out of everyone, he sees something special on me.
When we first met he was like, oh my god, the Ashley Corbo, oh my god, like crazy over me and I couldn't believe it and again all of my attention went to him.
The thing that both of these situations had in common was there was this power imbalance that made me believe these guys are so important and so well known and so desirable.
Because they want me, I must be valuable.
I was looking to these guys to give me validation.
A lot, if not all, of my self-worth was reliant on how these guys thought of me.
When it was good with these guys, it was good.
But you know how it goes.
When it was bad, it was fucking terrible.
Whenever these guys decided they wanted to call it quits or see someone else, or they were just being awful, as they usually were, I would absolutely lose it.
I would feel so lost because I was relying on them for validation.
So when they didn't like me or they didn't want to be with me, I felt so unworthy and I just hated myself.
My confidence went out the window.
My happiness, nowhere to be seen.
I was miserable.
It wasn't until me and my second ex had broken up officially that I had started to work on myself.
When you're so fixated on one person it doesn't even have to be a guy, just a person that you make them your entire world and you work around them and you live your life for them, you have no time for you.
You have no time to take care of yourself because you're so focused on taking care of them and making them feel good.
Especially with my last ex my second like real boyfriend there were so many things that were a no-go for him.
For example, i wasn't allowed to go out with my girlfriends.
If i went out with my girlfriends, i was getting so many texts saying i'm a slut, i'm a whore, i'm probably cheating on him, i'm probably with guys just crazy things.
So I would avoid going out with my girlfriends because I didn't want to deal with him either yelling at me or breaking up with me.
Obviously, there were times that I still did go out because I was in high school.
And you're telling me that a high school girl is not supposed to go out with their girlfriends because their boyfriend says they're not supposed to.
No.
But when I did, I got yelled at.
And then when we were on a break, I would go out.
But I was just so isolated because of him.
So to me it felt like if I didn't have him, I didn't have anything, because that's how he was making me feel.
But once we had broken up and I was officially single and I was able to make decisions without someone else's input or without facing consequences, I realized there's so many more people out there and so many more incredible things in my life than some guy.
I think back to this time in my life where I was freshly single and it was the first time that I was actually single and able to focus on me, because before
That ex was my other ex and I just wasn't able to live for myself.
So this was the first time that I was really able to look after me.
And it was just this very fun experimental era.
I was still in college, so I was working on school.
I was finally building my own routine.
I was spending a lot more time with my parents and with my friends.
I was going out all the time.
I was just getting into self-improvement books and I was reading poetry and I was getting back into drawing and I was just doing all of these things that I really, really enjoyed doing for me.
At first I was doing all of these things just to stay busy, because I was single and I was alone and I was sad.
But then...
It turned into something just so magnetic.
It felt good to take care of myself and lean into things that made me happy and that made me feel fulfilled.
And the fact that I was feeling that way without a guy being the reason for it really awoke something in me.
And I remember thinking that I didn't want to lose that feeling or lose myself in the next relationship I got into, because it had become a pattern of like whenever I'm in a relationship, I just lose all sense of myself.
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I remember thinking the next guy that I'm with is not going to change me.
They're just going to be an addition to me and they're going to love me for me.
And if they don't, and if they're not nice to me and they treat me the way that my exes did, I'm not going to stay with them.
I'm going to break that pattern.
And then the next year, I had met Josh, which I've known Josh, my entire life, but I had met him in A way that I had never before.
I'd seen him in a way I'd never seen him before.
And we just clicked and I fell for him.
And he is just the most gentle, caring person. beautiful person ever.
I want to make it a point to you know, mention Josh, and I think it's important that I mention that I'm with him and I'm engaged to him and that we're getting married next year, because I think that there is a very big misunderstanding when it comes to what it means to de-center men.
I think a lot of the time when this topic's brought up, especially on social media, some women get really offended and feel attacked.
So they immediately jump to well, why can't i have a boyfriend?
Am i not allowed to want to spend time with my boyfriend?
Am i not allowed to be, enjoy being sexual and hooking up with guys?
And i totally get where those people are coming from, because i've been there too.
But i think what's important is realizing that when people are advocating for you to decenter men, it's not that they're saying we hate men.
Men are bad, stay away from men, you can't engage with men.
They're just saying to shift the focus away from men, focus on yourself.
So they're not saying be anti-men, they're saying be pro yourself.
A lot of the time, when your focus is solely on the male gaze or a specific man, you get tunnel vision on them and you end up shaping your entire life off of them.
What they want, what they expect from you, what they like, you end up molding your life to fit with them.
When you're in a relationship and you make your partner, your entire world, your main focus, but you don't have your own things, you lose who you are.
You don't have any of your own passions, your own hobbies, your own friends.
Everything that's his is yours now.
Another thing that can happen is when you're single and you're centering men and you don't currently have a guy you're talking to, you can feel like your life is lacking purpose and your life is so boring that you have nothing to look forward to.
So now you're rushing the process, trying to find a man just to have a man.
And now you're going to end up with a guy that doesn't even fit you.
You just want a guy.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be involved with men and flirting with men and wanting their attention.
Clearly, I'm not anti-men.
I love Josh.
But I will always love myself more, and I mean that in the most respectful way to him, and I hope he feels the same way about me.
He is one of my top priorities.
He is a focus of mine, but he's not my main focus.
I am my main focus.
De-centering men does not mean you stop all connection with men.
All it is is de-centering them, not making them the main focus.
So that way you can make yourself the main focus.
I truly believe that if I hadn't learned that and I hadn't shifted my focus away from men and onto myself, even if it was for a year, if I hadn't done that, I wouldn't have ended up with Josh.
So it isn't a bad thing.
Just because you decenter men doesn't mean that you're never going to find a guy or fall in love.
If anything, you're going to fall in love, but for the right reasons.
Before Josh.
I would throw away my entire identity if that meant getting the attention from a specific guy.
If a guy said, I don't like when you're wearing that.
I don't like when you speak to that person.
I think that your music's bad.
I think that those jokes aren't funny.
I think you need to lose weight.
I would change all of those things about myself and alter the way that I exist just to please them.
When I liked a guy, there wasn't much that I wouldn't let them get away with.
And I allowed so much disrespect.
If I didn't learn to decenter men and focus on myself and work on myself, I probably would have ended up either in that same cycle or settling with a guy who treats me like that.
But I learned to love myself.
I learned to respect myself and I learned that my value is not dependent on a man.
I don't need to change myself or alter myself to be respected or to be given affection.
A real man who loves you, is going to love you for you, and they're going to want to amplify who and what you already are.
And that's what Josh has always done for me.
But I don't think that I would have been able to see that and appreciate that if I didn't take the time to step away from craving male validation.
A big part of being male-centered is that validation wanting to be seen by men, but especially wanting to be chosen by men, wanting men to think you're desirable, wanting men to think that you're valuable, to think that you're important.
Because unfortunately, in our society and the way that a lot of us have been brought up, we think that men are more important and more powerful than women and we've been taught to put them on a pedestal, so naturally there's this power imbalance.
But on top of that there's also situations, like I've been in, where there's an additional power imbalance because of age or status or because of something else.
When you crave male validation, you end up caring way too much about what they think about you.
It's a form of people pleasing, but driven towards the male gaze.
It's wanting to be seen as desirable and attractive and funny and interesting, Which are all good things.
Everyone wants to be seen that way.
Everyone wants to feel that way.
But what's harmful is wanting to be seen that way, but paired with the fact that men want that as a package of the ideal woman.
And to a lot of men, the ideal woman isn't like most women.
And I don't say that in a way of bashing women.
I say that in the way that a lot of men want a woman that's not like other women.
They really want a man.
And that's the tea. but they don't want most women.
So they take things that a lot of women like or that a lot of women have in common and they belittle it.
And they try to make it seem like, if you're opposite of what these women are like, you're different and I'll like you more and you're better than them.
So what ends up happening is a woman hears that and they're like okay, I want this guy's attention.
So I guess I'll just do what he's saying and be what he likes, even if that means isolating myself from other women and making other women the enemy.
So you try to separate yourself from other women.
Taylor Swift's bad, football's good.
You laugh at their very bad, corny, misogynistic jokes.
Body hair bad, matching lingerie, good.
You have to be okay with them going out with the guys, but you gotta also be okay with him not wanting you to go out with the girls.
And it's okay if any of those apply to you on your own.
Maybe you just don't like Taylor Swift, or maybe you don't like having body hair and it has nothing to do with a guy, which is okay.
That's your autonomy.
That's your decision.
The difference is you're doing it for yourself rather than doing it to please a guy.
You're making the decision on your own.
It's not a direct effect of someone else's opinions or emotions.
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With that being said, decentering men isn't I hate men.
I'm not dating men.
I'm going to stay away from men, which if you do feel that way, I totally get it.
But all decentering men is is not allowing men to dictate what you do, what you think, how you live your life and taking the spotlight off of them and shining that light on yourself.
Let's be real.
Let's be so real.
A lot of men don't need that spotlight.
A
De-centering men is the equivalent of just taking podcasts away from men and just letting the girls have it.
You know, podcasts are for the girls.
It makes the world a better place.
You being the center of your world and having guys visit, having guys beside characters while you are the main character, is the key to you living a happy, fulfilled life.
Now I want to talk about some things that you may be doing to center men, that you You might not even be aware that you're doing.
I also want to be very clear that I'm not lecturing you or meaning to shame you.
I don't want you to walk away from this episode feeling bad about yourself.
I want you to walk away feeling empowered.
I want you to walk away from this episode being like, damn, damn, Ashley's right.
There's no one who deserves my attention more than myself.
So why am I giving it away so easily to other people?
Not even just men, like just anyone.
Why am I so ready to give my power away to other people and not to myself?
So If you relate to any of these, do not feel bad.
Just use them as guidance for what you could do less of or what you can do more of for yourself.
The first thing that you might be doing is trying to look a certain way or come across a certain way for men's approval.
When I was in that phase of my life, when I was in my teens, I would dress very heavily for the male gaze.
I would wear super, super pushed up bras in high school.
I would wear Victoria's Secret's pink yoga pants, which are so cute.
And I would totally wear them now.
But the reason I was wearing them was because it was made very clear to the girls at my school that guys liked when we wore those, because it made our butts look good.
And they would judge how our butts looked, which is so fucking weird and gross.
But I would wear them knowing guys would stare and say I looked good.
The way that I know I was dressing for the male gaze was my intentions were always specifically on my body.
I wanted my body to look good rather than wanting to wear a cute outfit for myself.
And, like I was saying before, you can like things that are labeled for the male gaze but still just like it for yourself.
And it has nothing to do with guys.
It's all about the intention.
Why are you doing something?
Are you wearing this because you love how you look, you feel confident, you feel pretty?
Or are you doing it because you want someone else to tell you that you're pretty and they like how you look?
Another thing you might be doing, and not even knowing, is posting on social media specifically for someone to see.
I would go all out of the way to do my hair, do my makeup, put on a good outfit, make sure my boobs looked good and post a very, very sexy photo of myself.
But I wasn't just posting a photo for myself.
I wasn't looking good for myself.
I was doing it with the intention that a specific guy was going to see it.
That is centering men.
Even just scrolling through your story views and looking to see if a specific person viewed your story in a way is centering them, because you're looking for their attention.
Another thing that you might be doing is altering the way you behave for their attention, the way you act in public, the way you talk to people, the way that you treat people.
I had this one girlfriend who was such a fun person to be around.
She was one of those friends that if you were like let's go get a coffee at 5 am and watch the sunrise, she'd be down.
Or let's spontaneously drive to New York City at 3 a.m., she'd be down.
But the one downside of being her friend was if you were around guys, you became a target.
Even if you were in a relationship and you had no interest in And the guys you were around if you were around her and a group of guys or a guy that she liked, she would make sure to embarrass you or belittle you in front of them.
Whether it was bringing up something embarrassing that you definitely wouldn't want shared with someone, or trying to make you sound stupid, or like you don't know what you're talking about, or just being mean to you.
Some girls will be mean to their girlfriends in front of guys without even knowing it, because their focus isn't on being a good friend.
Their focus is on getting that guy's attention and approval.
Sometimes they think that being mean to you and isolating you and trying to make them look better than you is going to make them desirable, because they think that that guy's going to look at them and be like yep, she's the better option.
Even though you never signed up for this competition, like you don't even want this man.
And it doesn't even have to be this like big thing.
It's just the subtle remarks, you know?
Oh, you like pop music?
I only listen to rap.
Oh, you like to dress like that?
I would never show my boobs.
Oh, you like going out and partying?
Yeah, I'm just different.
I just stay home and I read my books and I would never go out.
Especially if I had a boyfriend, I would never go out and party.
Meanwhile, they're saying this at a bar to a frat boy.
It can also just be them agreeing with everything.
This stupid fuck is saying and trying to make you look stupid and trying to make it seem like you don't know what you're talking about to impress this guy.
Which leads me to the second thing that you might be doing, and that's putting other women down to appeal to men.
Not all men hate women, right?
There's incredible men out there who are so supportive.
They want to uplift women.
They want women to have equal rights, they want women to be heard, they want women to thrive.
But unfortunately, There are a lot of misogynistic men out there who believe that women are inferior to men and they look down upon women and they will look for women who will agree with their anti-women views.
So, like I touched on before, when you are seeking male validation and you don't know how to get that approval other than just pleasing them and being accommodating to them in order to get that validation, it may come at the expense of other women.
Some men are looking for women who don't like what most women like.
So some women think if I position myself as that and I make it known that I'm not like the other girls, I'm different, they'll like me.
Again, it's one of those things that a lot of women don't realize they're doing, because it can be disguised as just an opinion or a preference, which is totally fine to have But, as I'm going to keep saying, it's the intention that matters.
If you don't like something, that's fine.
But are you positioning yourself against that thing because you don't like it, or do you not like it because a lot of women do?
For example, there was this trend on TikTok recently after Taylor Swift's album came out, where it was women playing Charli XCX with the caption do I look like a fucking Swifty to you?
And of course, there's people in the comments being like, okay, that's kind of weird.
Why did you have to bring up not being a Swifty?
Why can't you either uplift both artists or just say that you like Charli XCX and leave Swifties out of it?
And the argument back was, why can't I have an opinion?
Why do I have to like every artist?
You don't.
That's the thing.
You don't.
You're allowed to have an opinion.
This is what I mean by it's disguised as, why can't I have an opinion?
But when you're essentially saying, I'm hot, so do I look like a Swiftie?
You're saying Swifties aren't hot.
You're saying, because I don't like that kind of music, I'm better than women who do.
You're flexing by positioning yourself against another group of women.
And that's typically what's happening when you're trying to appeal to men.
You're trying to separate yourself from what most women like, to be told that you're different and you're cooler.
And you get that validation that you're seeking.
Separating yourself from other women can look like...
You wear a miniskirt.
I would never wear a miniskirt because I respect myself.
I would never get half naked for Halloween because I respect my significant other, which is fine.
That's a preference of yours.
You can do whatever you want, but you don't have to insult other women and bring them into it when they didn't ask for that.
If a guy actually likes you, you are not going to have to bring another woman into the equation and bring them down because for them to like you.
You also have to remember if a guy is misogynistic and he hates women, you're not going to be excluded from that just because you separate yourself from other women.
If he hates women, you're still a woman.
You should be offended by that.
You should feel disrespected for the blatant hate because of you being a woman.
You are not an exception to their hate just because you change a few things about yourself to get their approval and to get them to like you.
If you really care that much about that guy, that one guy who doesn't even like women liking you, you're gonna spend your entire life trying to get their validation and it's never gonna work because at the core of it, they don't like you.
The third thing that you may be doing is breaking promises and dropping plans with your friends, but also with yourself, i get.
When you're in a relationship wanting to spend time with your significant other.
I think your significant other should be your best friend and you should feel safe around them and you should have so much fun with them.
Like obviously you want to spend time with them.
And this is usually what people end up saying when they get criticized by their friends.
Their friend will be like you never hang out with us anymore, you're only with your boyfriend.
Like why don't you want to hang out with us?
And they'll be like well, what's wrong with that?
Like what's wrong with me wanting to spend time with my boyfriend?
He's my best friend, which is valid, but it's important that there's balance.
Friendships definitely change.
And if the friendship isn't growing, if you guys aren't adapting to your new schedules and routines and just lifestyles, it's not going to work.
Like if your friendship was built on going out and partying and now you're in a part of your life where that's not your thing.
Your friends can't expect you to drop everything and come out with them on a Tuesday night.
But if the only thing that's changed is you've gotten a boyfriend and that's the reason why you're no longer connected with your friends or why you're no longer seeing your friends, that's kind of a red flag.
The same thing when it comes to yourself.
There needs to be a balance between you time and time with your significant other.
Just like it's not fair to throw your friends on the back burner and just expect them to be okay with you not contributing to the friendship anymore.
It's not fair for you to push your needs aside and stop taking care of yourself to only care for your boyfriend.
Like I was saying earlier in the episode, I used to drop anything, anything and everything for my exes.
Even if I was doing something that was important, like doing schoolwork, or if I had work, I would literally call out if that meant going to spend time with them.
And the reason that I would do that was because my time with them was limited.
Things were so unpredictable in both of my relationships.
They were always on and off.
They were always getting mad at me.
They were always breaking up with me.
So when it came a time where they wanted to see me, I would take advantage of that.
I would drop anything to go see them.
And that's just so unfair to do to yourself.
And also so unfair to do to your friends.
Like, if you have plans with your friends and then a guy hits you up and asks to hang out, don't cancel on your friends to go see that guy.
If a guy actually likes you, they're going to make more time for you.
You don't just get one shot and that's it.
Like if they're literally expecting you to rearrange all of your plans, all of your time for them.
That's not your man.
If a guy who doesn't talk to you all day randomly hits you up at 1 am asking you to come over and then gets mad at you because you say no, because you want to sleep, that's not your man.
If they like you, they will make more time for you.
They are not the only ones in the relationship or the situationship.
You get to have a say too.
You get to make time for them too and decide when works for you.
And then the fourth thing that you might be doing is constantly measuring your worth by male attention or approval.
This can look like you not feeling pretty, or you not feeling attractive or sexy or feminine because you don't have any guys giving you attention.
Or you getting all dressed up, doing your hair, doing your makeup, putting on a fire outfit, and then you go out and all the guys are only looking at your best friend.
Or even just not having a boo thing right this second.
You don't have anyone that you're talking to.
No one's currently giving you attention.
So you think that your life is lacking something.
You think that your life is so boring.
You think that the only way that you have purpose or that you have value is when you have a guy in your life.
And we'll talk more about that a little bit.
I want to actually move on to how you're going to decenter men and choose yourself and reclaim your power.
So the first thing and the one that i think that's super important is you need to build your life around your passions, not your partnerships.
This doesn't even have to be about a guy.
This could be about anyone that you feel attached to that you revolve your life around.
You need to remember that everyone in your life is just an addition to your life.
They're not your whole life.
Do not build your entire life off of them.
You need to have your own thing.
And this goes for my single girls, my girls in relationships, even if you're married.
Your significant other should be a priority, especially if you're married.
They should be one of your top priorities because you're in that committed partnership together.
But you need to be your own person, with your own thoughts, with your own hobbies and with your own interests and your own goals.
You are dating this person.
You are married to this person.
You're not becoming them.
You're not wearing their skin, okay?
You need to find your own things.
Of course, there will be a balance of sharing time with this person and enjoying things with this person.
But who are you without them?
Who were you before them?
And who would you be if you didn't have them?
I think part of the reason that I was so male-centered when I was in high school was because I was bored.
I didn't have anything going for me.
So all my attention went to them.
I didn't have any hobbies.
I didn't do any clubs.
I mean, I was in key club or like Lions Club, but barely.
And I didn't play any sports.
The only thing I did was dance team my sophomore year, after my ex and I had broken up to keep myself occupied because I was so heartbroken.
There was nothing in my daily routine that I had to look forward to or that was even mine other than my relationships.
I thought my life would be boring and would lack purpose without a boyfriend.
And the reason I thought that was because the only thing I was putting any energy into was them.
So of course, if I didn't have the one thing that I had, I would think that I had nothing.
Meanwhile, this guy I was dating did have his own hobbies in sports.
He played video games.
He played every sport in high school.
He was also talking to like every girl in my high school behind my back.
So he was booked and busy.
And while he was off doing his own thing even though I didn't respect what he was doing, even though he had his own thing I was sitting at home waiting for him to text me, waiting for him to ask me to hang out, waiting for him to tell me if we were dating again or not.
Not being more involved in things like theater club or dancing, is one of my biggest regrets.
If I could go back to high school, I would absolutely be doing those things, because those are things now that I'm so interested in.
But I can almost guarantee that if I had done those things then my attention would be on acting and dancing.
Maybe student council.
I don't know.
I'd be doing something productive with my time.
I wouldn't have had so much time to stress out about a fuck boy.
It might've still been hard.
It might've still hurt when we broke up, but it wouldn't have felt like I was losing my entire world.
Figure out what you like, what inspires you, what makes you feel happy.
It could be as simple as when you're watching a show with like dancing, how does that make you feel?
Do you wish that you were doing that?
Like, damn, I wish I grew up doing ballet.
I wish I grew up in hip hop classes.
Those little thoughts that you have when you're watching a show or you see someone else doing something or wearing something.
They're more than just little thoughts.
They're guidance.
That's your inner being telling you.
This is something that I'm interested in and this is something that I should explore.
Find the things that you want to do.
And it might take you some time.
You might not know what you want to do, but at least give yourself the opportunity to explore.
Try different things out.
There's no rush.
Once you have a better sense of those things, it will be harder for someone else to make you feel like you have nothing because they're not a part of your life anymore.
A person can leave.
A person can decide not to want to be with you, decide not to want to be your friend, and you'll realize that it means nothing more than they're just not going to be a part of your life anymore.
You don't lose anything other than them.
Next, unlearn the need for external validation.
I think having your own things, having your own passions, your own hobbies, figuring out how you like to dress all of those things play a huge part in this, because when you like yourself, it's a lot harder for people to make you feel bad about yourself.
So if you enjoy the hobbies that you do, you think the music you listen to and the films that you watch are really good, you think that you have cool style, you have set beliefs and values that are important to you, you actually like yourself and you would want to be friends with you or date someone like you.
You're going to have an easier time realizing that other people's opinions of you don't matter, and it doesn't matter if people don't like you because you like you.
Usually, when we're looking for external validation, we're doing it because we don't know how to feel about ourselves, or we just don't like ourselves.
It's like when you hate your outfit and then you go to work and then five people say they love it.
It makes you feel good.
If you're trying to impress people and you want people to tell you that you look good and you put together an outfit you think people are going to like and then you go to work and people don't compliment you or people say they hate your outfit, that makes you feel bad about yourself, that makes you question yourself.
But if you get dressed and you really like your outfit, you know it's a good outfit.
You're not concerned with how people are going to perceive you, you're not concerned with if people are going to compliment you, you're not concerned with if people are going to insult you and you're just excited to wear the outfit regardless of the outcome.
You're going to feel good about yourself and have a good day, no matter what happens.
No matter if 10 people tell you they like the outfit or 10 people tell you they hate the outfit.
That's what unlearning the need for external validation does for you.
It's the security of knowing that no matter what people think about you, it's not going to harm you.
It's not going to negatively impact you.
You're going to be okay no matter the outcome.
Sometimes we don't even realize that we're doing things out of the need for external validation.
So some things that have helped me is asking myself, before I do something or before I say something, or even before I post something online am I doing this because it aligns with me and I want to, or am I about to do this because I want to impress someone or I want to get some sort of reaction?
Am I doing this for me or am I doing this for other people?
Sometimes I'll be getting dressed and I'll get in my head thinking people are going to think this outfit's too much and I'm going to be an eyesore.
Maybe I should wear something less out there.
Maybe I should play it safe.
But then I ask myself, do I really want to wear this outfit?
Was I excited to wear this outfit?
If I were going to this place alone, no one else is there, no one else mattered, would I pick this outfit?
Or would I pick the safe option?
And almost always the answer is the outfit that I wanted to wear originally.
So I would say, along with asking yourself what your intentions are when you speak or before you act, also challenge yourself to do hard things and do uncomfortable things.
And notice how you're okay afterwards.
Notice how you're okay after you get rejected.
We act off of fear a lot of the time.
We're afraid of people not liking us.
We're afraid of people making fun of us.
We're afraid of not being loved, not being wanted.
So we do things differently that we don't really want to do, and we try to please other people in hopes that they'll like us and that they'll want us.
Challenge yourself to not people.
Please challenge yourself to say no.
Challenge yourself to potentially be rejected and notice how you're okay afterwards.
It might hurt a little bit, it might be a little embarrassing, but you're still okay.
When you do this, it builds up confidence in yourself that, regardless of what happens, regardless of what people think of you, you're going to be okay.
Regardless if that guy likes you or not, regardless if he wants you or not, you're going to be okay.
Again, spend more time figuring out who you want to be and make it a goal of yours to like yourself.
Instead of spending so much time trying to make other people like you, spend your time crafting a version of yourself that you would like, that you would love.
And then the third thing that I think is really important in helping you decenter men and focus on you is making a daily goal to stay self-centered.
And I don't mean self-centered.
In a selfish, I only think about myself.
I'm not considerate of other people, I'm the only one that matters, kind of way.
Staying self-centered just means making sure that your energy is rooted in you and not allowing other people and their energy, their bad day, their opinions, to affect how you feel.
I used to let my ex's emotions really affect me.
Their bad days, their mood swings, their bad behavior.
It would ruin my whole day or my whole week or God, it could go on for months with them.
I would be so focused on them and wanting to make them happy, wanting them to be happy with me, that whenever we were off, whenever they were unhappy with me, I was filled with anxiety.
I was so upset.
There were days where I couldn't eat.
I couldn't sleep.
I just wasn't okay until I knew we were good.
I'm sure some of you have been there in some capacity.
Maybe not the same as me.
But even think about how it feels when you see your crush like someone else's photo, or your situationship hasn't texted you in a couple days.
It ruins your mood until they decide to fix it.
Until they decide to like your photo or text you or know, compliment you, you're letting someone else dictate how you feel.
A way to alleviate those feelings or avoid feeling that way is to work on yourself.
Take care of yourself.
There's a few things that i think you can do to practice staying self-centered and to stay in your lane and check in on you mentally.
The first thing that i recommend and I always recommend this is do not go on your phone first thing in the morning.
Turn off the alarm and immediately get out of bed and leave your phone in bed.
The reason I think it's a good idea to stay off your phone for at least an hour, two hours, is it allows you to start your day with no influence from anyone but yourself.
You don't need to check to see if they've texted you.
You don't need to see if they've viewed your story.
You don't need to know what they're up to.
If bad news is going to come, it's going to come eventually.
You don't need to see it right when you open your eyes and let it ruin your whole day.
Give yourself a chance to have a good day.
Next, take five minutes to sit down and check in with yourself.
Sit down and journal.
My go-to morning journal prompts are just, what am I grateful for today?
What are my goals for today?
How do I want to feel?
What can I do today to be the best version of myself?
And what can I do to make today better than yesterday?
This will help you realign with yourself and what's actually important.
It's going to keep you on track and it's going to help you avoid crashing out.
Another thing that can help you is having some type of schedule for your day that includes things that you absolutely have to do, you know, go to work, do homework, do certain chores but also things including things that are going to pull you back into your body and keep you grounded that are going to be good for your mind.
I like to include at least one thing daily.
This can be going for a walk with no music, no podcast, nothing.
Just allowing yourself to think clearly and hear your thoughts.
This is hard, but it helps you figure out where you're at and how you feel.
You can also move your body, you know, dancing, yoga, workout classes, going to the gym.
Another thing can be putting on relaxing music and taking a bath or doing some self care reading a book.
It can really be anything.
Just be intentional and allow yourself time to slow down with you and give yourself the care that you need in that moment.
Lastly, having a night routine does wonders.
It really sets the tone for the next day.
If you go to bed in a bad mood or you go to bed with a very crammed, chaotic mind, more than likely you're going to wake up feeling the exact same way, and that's not fair.
You should wake up feeling good and give yourself a fair opportunity to make your day the best it can be.
Everyone's night routine is going to look different.
I think it's important to check in with yourself and figure out what you need in that moment.
But when I'm having a hard day or something's really affecting me or I'm just going through the motions, my go-to night routine is is to clean up my space, because I always feel better when it's clean.
And then I'll light some candles, set the mood.
I'll take a shower or I'll take a bath if I'm feeling real crazy, if I'm having a real crazy day.
I'll do my whole self-care routine, do my skincare.
I'll put a face mask on.
I'll brush my teeth.
I'll put a hair mask in.
And then I'll get some really cozy pajamas on.
I'll get into bed and I'll journal.
I'll read a book. and I'll just let myself be calm.
I do my very, very, very best to stay off social media and I won't text anyone.
The same thing as in the morning.
I just like to give myself a fair opportunity to be relaxed and not let anyone else's energy affect my own.
Some things I like to write in my journal at night are what I did well that day reasons that I'm proud of myself.
What I wish I could have done better that day.
And then what are things that I can do tomorrow to make it better than today?
Learning to decenter men is not a way to strike against men or be hateful or be spiteful.
It is a way to embrace yourself and love yourself.
And anyone who thinks that you're doing this is anti them is not pro you, because anyone who loves you and wants the best for you is going to be supportive of you, giving yourself more attention and care.
You're deserving of it, and you should never let anyone make you feel like you're hard to love or that you're less interesting without them or you don't matter without them.
I say this all the time.
But give yourself the love and the energy that you keep desperately trying to give to other people.
You are the most deserving of that and you'll be able to do so much with it.
So give yourself that love.
Okay, that's where I'm going to end today's episode.
I hope that it was helpful.
I feel like I just talked for like three hours.
Holy shit.
If you liked it, make sure to rate it on Spotify, Apple.
Make sure to share it with your friends.
Make sure to share it online if you're loving it.
It really helps me out and I love to see it.
And if you're not already, make sure to follow me on social media my TikTok, my Instagram, all linked in the show notes.
That's everything for today's episode.
I hope you loved it.
I love you and I will talk to you next Monday.
