[Turning Life's Leftovers into a Five-Star Meal: A Journey of Self-Compassion and Purpose]-[How to Create a New Version of Yourself: Let Go of Past Mistakes & Overcome Regret]

Well, after today, you will.

Because you're about to meet a remarkably inspiring person who has been knocked down over and over and over again.

And she knows the secret to getting back up, to finding your power, even when you feel powerless.

When you were little, you once thought anything was possible.

This episode today will remind you it still is because there is nothing that you've done that will stand in the way of who you want to become.

Hey, it's your friend Mel and I am so excited for our conversation today and I'm so grateful that I get to spend some time together with you.

It's always an honor to be here with you and I also want to acknowledge you for choosing to listen to something that is going to help you see a bigger potential for your life.

And if you're a new listener, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast family.

I am so glad that you're here and I'm so glad that you're here in particular right now today to listen to this because there is a person in our Boston studios right now who I have been wanting to meet for years.

And she is carved out time in her extraordinarily busy schedule to hop on a plane to fly to Boston and to be here.

You want to know why? Because she has a word or two she'd like to say to you.

She says it's time to get rid of the poison that's between your ears that you listen to every day.

And she's going to teach you how to make a meal out of the leftovers that life has given you.

So if you're tired of regrets holding you back and if you're sick of beating yourself up over the mistakes that you've made today, you're going to learn how to pick yourself back up and take that big old pile of leftovers from life and turn it into a five star meal.

You know, I always say no one's coming, but today someone special is here.

The one and only Sarah, Jake's Roberts and Sarah is a force to be reckoned with.

She's on a mission to empower you and millions of people follow her online.

They tune into her weekly sermons, which are a mix of wisdom storytelling, inspiration and truth bombs.

She is a philanthropist, a pastor and an international best selling author.

Her latest book, Power Moves, was an instant New York Times best seller and she is going to be an instant favorite human being of yours.

Because what I love the most about Sarah is that she may be on the stage and preaching from the pulpit, but she's not there above you.

Just like me, she is right there beside you and you're going to hear how life has very publicly knocked her down.

She's here today to remind you of who you are and how to pick yourself back up and make something amazing with the life that you have.

Sarah, Jake's Roberts, I'm so excited to get to spend some time with you.

Thank you. I'm looking forward to it.

So I would love to have you start by talking directly to the person who's listening and share with them what they can expect to experience and learn from you today.

Like how might their life change if they take everything that you're about to share to heart?

I would say today you are going to learn to rest in the truth of who you are.

Not just your hopes and dreams, the achievements and shiny things, but the things that have been hard and challenging.

Today you're going to find a way to rest in that, embrace it, accept it and then allow it to propel you into a big, beautiful future.

I'm ready. I would like that.

Let's go. Let's go. In order to go forward, I think oftentimes in life you've got to look back.

One of the things that I love the most about you, there's so many things that I love about you.

But I love that whenever I watch you online or I tune in to a sermon or I read something that you've written, I feel as though I have somebody walking by my side, not somebody speaking down from above.

And you have a story in terms of your past that I think a lot of people don't realize.

And I would love for us to go back in time before we start talking about the wisdom that you have to share because there is so much that you learned from those periods in your life.

So can you take us back to this moment in time?

You are the daughter of a well-known mega-church pastor and something happens in your personal life.

Yes. I got pregnant at 13 years old.

I had my son at 14 years old, which I think is a staggering sentence no matter whose child you are.

But the added complexity of my father being a prominent leader in faith, I think further intensified the sense of shame, the sense of guilt that I had to wait through for about 10 years.

And I think also that was heightened by this fact that like though I have this family that is huge in the faith world, I never really felt like like one of the good girls, one of the God girls, one of the church girls.

And so in many ways it felt like this pregnancy just confirmed a pre-existing insecurity that for some reason I didn't fit.

And so my pregnancy is when I accept it like, okay, this is not for me.

I'm going to figure life out on my own and I'm going to let all the good church people do what good church people do.

And I'm just going to figure everything else out.

Well God had different plans I think.

He did. You know, when I think about the age 13 and 14, how did you even process something like that as such a young girl?

I didn't. I thought the worst thing that was going to happen was like, I'm going to get in trouble.

Like I'm going to be grounded and we didn't even have cell phones at the time like, oh my gosh, you're going to take the antenna out of the TV and take the phone court out of the wall.

Like this is going to be punishment.

It wasn't until I saw their reaction that I began to realize that this is bigger than just your in trouble.

This is a life altering experience that has created grief in our family.

And I think that seeing their grief, seeing them struggle with what it means to have a child that's having a child made me realize that whatever just took place here has changed my life forever.

And it's interesting that you in reflecting back can say my immediate reaction was one of going, oh, well, there are those kind of people over there that are the Godly Church people.

I'm always going to be over here.

What was that journey like over those 10 years where you were wrestling with that natural instinct that we all have that we separate.

We don't see ourselves as connected to other people.

We push back against the love that's coming at us or the support that's coming at us.

How did you even move through that?

So I started off comparison.

So I'm not like them. So let me figure out who I am like.

And so I would say, you know what?

I kind of feel like I'm close to this kind of girl.

So I'll be that kind of girl.

And then I got with those kind of girls.

I'm like, I don't exactly fit here.

So let me go here. And I thought maybe achievement, maybe success, maybe relationships, I can be like whoever this other girl is supposed to be.

And then I will try and find myself.

And I think as long as I was trying to be like some other version of someone that I never had an opportunity to figure out who I was.

And so for 10 years, I was trying on like Cinderella trying on different shoes.

Like I was just trying going shoe after shoe after shoe until I said, you know what?

I'm going to be barefoot.

No, I don't need shoes. You know, I'm a country girl from West Virginia.

I'm going to be barefoot.

I'm going to stand flat footed in the truth of who I am.

I'm going to stand flat footed in this.

Maybe it is isolation. Maybe it is loneliness.

Maybe I don't fit anywhere.

Maybe I just fit within myself.

And from that space, I said, you know what?

I've tried literally everything.

I have waitress at a strip club.

I've tried these toxic relationships.

I've gone to school. I worked for the government.

I tried everything. I said, you know what?

I'm going to try faith. I'm going to try and figure out if this God who they talk about who loves you no matter what, like I'm going to see if maybe possibly it works for someone like me.

And I think from there, this really intimate relationship with God allowed me to encounter healing and love and restoration.

And I thought that it would just be between me and God, that it would make no sense to anyone else, but it finally made sense to me.

You said something that struck me that maybe I could just fit within myself.

Yeah. What does that mean?

Maybe I can just embrace myself.

Instead of seeking a sense of belonging, a sense of okayness from other people.

If I could find a way to be okay with myself, then I can wrap my arms around who I am.

And for me, I had to sit with myself until I no longer cringed.

I had to sit with myself until I no longer felt shame.

I had to sit with myself until I could experience compassion where I once felt guilt.

And from that place of compassion, I learned to love who I am.

And I guess this is my story.

And no, it may not be perfect, but I'm going to stick beside me.

Every single one of us has stuff that we've done in the past, things that we have done to ourselves or other people, mistakes that we think that we've made.

How do you begin the process of sitting with yourself?

How do you learn how to forgive yourself?

It starts with intention.

I will say those 10 years, I was sitting with myself, but I was sitting with myself punishing myself.

How could you be so stupid?

You made the biggest mistake.

No one's ever going to want you.

Sometimes we are sitting with ourselves, but how we are sitting with ourselves is why we can't heal.

You can't want to heal and punish yourself at the same time.

To repeat the words that other people have spoken over you that were negative, having it replay in your mind over and over again, why you sit with yourself will never bring you to a place of healing.

Sitting with yourself with the pursuit of compassion, with the pursuit of love and acceptance, that is when we start sitting with ourselves and experience some discomfort and some dysregulation because sitting with myself and trying to be compassionate requires me to stretch to love myself in a way that I don't think it's possible.

As long as you don't think it's possible to sit with yourself and love yourself every facet of who you are, it doesn't matter who you love, it doesn't matter what you achieve until you can really sit with yourself.

None of those things are going to make you feel better either.

But it is the greatest, absolute greatest gift that you can give yourself to allow love to flood the place where you want to spell in emptiness.

I just want to make sure that as you're taking your walk or you're washing your dishes or you are driving in your car that you caught the actual magic that just came through the speakers or the headphones.

I have never heard anybody say something as profound as you just said you cannot heal while you are still punishing yourself.

And we don't do ourselves any favors by committing to punishing ourselves over and over again for what we did for what we allowed to happen.

This is what we say though, we say to ourselves I'm going to keep this from happening again by constantly living with it right in front of me.

And if I can live with it right in front of me if I can beat myself up if I can punish myself then I will keep this from happening again.

I will prepare myself for further rejection from other people if I constantly remember how unworthy I am, how little value I possess.

And so in many ways we think this is me protecting myself by constantly keeping it in front of my face.

But if we're honest we do long for an existence where we want to believe that I am not just this one moment but we will never be more than that one moment if we constantly replay that moment in our head.

And so to invite into our atmosphere what other moments do I want to have what other things do I want to define me.

I spent so long not wanting to be defined as a teen mom instead of saying I will be defined as being a teen mom but also I'm going to be an incredible person but also I'm going to love myself but also I'm going to dream and I'm going to be an author and a teen mom I'm not trying to disconnect from who I was.

I'm trying to bring all of who I am into the fullness of where I am.

Sarah Jakes Roberts just gave you a gift but also but also but also I'm this and that I am all of these things and I thought that because I was this one thing I had no permission to be anything else.

So yeah the truth is yeah I'm a teen mom yes I've gone through divorce I've got a laundry list of things that I never wanted to be that I've had to step boldly in.

And in addition to that I'm on the mail robins podcast and in addition to that you know what I mean millions of people do that do you every single weight.

All right all things are true all of these things are true and I don't want to be all of my achievements gosh can you imagine what that would be the pressure and the air gets connected to that I want to be this beautiful mixture this beautiful tapestry of a girl on a journey and a woman owning her power and I can live in all of that can do all of that.

A girl on her journey and a woman on in her power somebody needs to write a song holy cow yeah do you when you're speaking have this experience of just things flowing through you like I don't even feel like it's a conversation.

I feel this energy and this truth that comes through you like it just gets me so choked up to be in the presence of somebody that has such a gift.

So I believe that I'm anointed for this I believe that anything that I've done in the art does not a reflection of my skills or my talents or something you pick up in a book and that I have this incredible opportunity to reflect God's glory everywhere I go.

If I can get past my nerves if I can get past my insecurity if I can get past my second guessing and rest in that truth there is a flow that just happens and it doesn't just happen like in this like I'm in this slow when I'm raising my children they're opening up to me and I'm like God you know don't let me be worried.

Don't let me over react you know what I mean let me reflect your glory in their vulnerability let me reflect your glory when I go into this meeting I I really do want to be a light in this world and after experiencing as much darkness as I have gone through to offer just a flicker to another person like maybe I can't be this big brilliant light for everyone.

But if today in this moment you're listening and I get to be a flicker on your journey just know that there are other flames connected that are going to build this inferno of who you're going to be but we got to gather every flicker right.

Yeah and I think that's the part of life that many of us miss is that we're waiting for these big moments that are going to shine a huge light on us and when I have that huge light then I'm going to feel better I'm going to be confident going to be powerful but I am beginning to believe that it's all about us gathering those little moments those little like Christmas light size moments yeah where things are just a little bit better and then we look up and things have become brilliant you know millions of people do.

Toon in to your every word and having watched and listened to your sermons and experienced what a force you are I'm curious to hear your thoughts of what you believe most of us need to hear and be reminded of.

Most people underestimate how necessary their existence is in the world and as a result assume a posture of resignation that leaves the world less than what it could be our lives are not random they are not coincidences.

There is nothing more special about me than there is about you we were all given these lives to make the world better and I feel like most people underestimate how necessary they are and as a result they don't take their healing seriously they don't take their thoughts seriously we put ourselves on discount and give ourselves a way to like the low was bitter because we have these aches inside of us but if we truly ever tapped it out.

We ever tapped into the high value of our breath it would change what we speak it would change what we think it would change how we show up in the world and it would quite literally make the world a better place like if you can just make your world your friends your family your sisters your co workers if you can take seriously the impact you have in your corner of the world.

And then I take seriously the impact that I have with my influence in my corner of the world those incremental commitments are how we begin to change the narrative of what it means to be humans surviving together.

That's beautiful and I think you're right I do too I get struck by the number of people that write in every single day that are seeking purpose yeah and I think to myself will your purpose.

Is to heal and to share yourself and to make yourself better and then make everybody that comes in contact with you feel a little better to spread the light that you're talking about but it starts with you yeah you said something that just.

Holy cow I'd never heard this it's this concept of discounting yourself oh yeah to the lowest bitter yeah can you explain that yeah so when I look at the 10 years of my life where I'm.

Struggle yeah first of all I grew up in church yep during the height of purity culture okay so the highest prize was to be this like untouched virgin when you get married then in care if you went to school then get like girl just don't give it up the over and over again just like girl don't do it okay why did it I was I was I did it okay and so I'm like alright we're going to knock that price down a little bit put a little sticker over my worth and my value and then I'm like well hey the price is already low you might as well try some other things and so I think little by little I feel for this idea that if I cannot live up to someone else's definition of a woman someone else's definition of a believer someone else's definition then I have to discredit I have to discount who I am and the only problem with that is when you begin to see yourself as less valuable you also accept things that you would not otherwise accept if you felt like you had value if I were smart enough if I were thin enough if I were beautiful enough then maybe I wouldn't have to do this but since I don't have these things I have to accept that and that is a lie your value is not set by these experiences you have gone through they are not set by society standard I don't care what they call beautiful I don't care what they call powerful your value is an inside job it is a commitment that says you know what the truth of who I am my ability to survive all that I've gone through the way that I have seen the world has added to my value not decreased it and that is some big bad bowl belief that not many of us are able to tap into but if we can just try by faith to say you know what what if I didn't change anything I work with women quite a bit and while my issue was team pregnancy and having to recover from that I know enough about what women have gone through to know that whether their parents went divorced they got divorced molestation like they have all of these experiences they think in some way has made them different than the person they're sitting next to and because I am not as valuable then I have to do things that they don't have to do what I have learned is that everyone has had some type of experience that has challenged them in their belief of their value and because we've all had these types of experiences maybe we aren't any less valuable as a result of the experiences maybe instead were more valuable because the wisdom and resiliency connected with having to face these things have made us more confident more courageous and how we can show up in the world there's a conversion that has to take place will once that conversion happens there's every litmusness that is attached to it as well for the person listening who is nodding along and the way you just frame this idea that if you take any mistake that you make and then you discount yourself and you start to tell yourself the story over and over again that you're not valuable which then makes you accept behaviors in your life or makes you discount your own value and you said you know actually know there's a flip here like all those experiences actually create wisdom they make you human and it's what you do with those things that matters and you have control over that and most people are sitting there talking about what happened yeah instead of flipping it into something that they can use to make something extraordinary happen you have this concept about life giving you leftovers yeah and how you make a meal out of it can you share that with us because I have a feeling that that's sort of a tool we can use to help us look at the things that we keep beating us ourselves up over okay so if I go back to when I was pregnant and mind you ask 14 years old so I thought that the only way I could recover from my pregnancy was to create a new life a new existence and so my goal was to do something completely new I'm going to be an accountant I'm going to be a CF I'm going to put something on top of this team pregnancy that's going to make things better and I think that the reason why I know that the reason why I failed over and over again and trying to create something new is that I wasn't using what I had left over instead of saying okay this is what's in my cabinet I'm a teen mom I'm a smart girl I have a writing gift I kept trying to reinvent who I was and you can't reinvent who you are using ingredients that don't exist you got to use all of the ingredients so yes I have all of these gifts and talents but I also have a child I'm still struggling with you know my insecurities I've gone through this divorce I have to take all of this in order to create something that is really going to be authentic to who I am because what I don't want to do is reinvent a version of myself that requires me to pretend that I'm not who I was this is who I am you know like this is my truth and when you fight to really accept the truth of who you are you don't allow it to be snatched easily out of your hands and because it's not snatched easily out of your hands whatever you build with those things aren't snatched either when I started blogging because this is how all of this became a thing where I had like a following guys so just to put it in a timeline yes are you like in your early 20 early 20 open up the cupboard and I love that visual because I think most of us when we say let's just look at what you got yeah let's just take the wrong ingredients let's take all like for me it's like being molested yeah it's all the cheating that I did it's the anxiety that I struggled with it's the what a bitch I used to be it is all of like just all of it's all that you know Sarah when I open up that cupboard I'm like you know what I just go I'll just go I'm going to do something let's do something let's paint the cover yeah let's now let's shot for sure let's do something everybody over here but it makes so much sense yeah because until you get comfortable with the audience that you have and you see it as something to use yeah not to be ashamed of yeah not to hide because the stuff that you hide people and the world then has power over for surely for sure but the second that you open up the cupboard and you are willing to look at what you're working with yeah now you have power yeah I love it that to me is like the greatest message that any of us need to understand is that like us closing the cabinet means that I have to live in existence that pretend that I don't have what I have and that is stressful and that is an authentic and then we start people pleasing because if I'm not going to embrace who I am then I'll just be whoever you need me to be but when you say you know what this is who I am and you're going to have to meet me you're going to meet me here I'm still growing I'm still talented but this is what I have to offer this is what I bring to the table and I have found value in it I can show you the value that I have found in it but until I see this value but I can't expect anyone else to see it so yeah in my early 20s I'm like okay I'm going to start blogging I was in a toxic relationship and I'm just like I don't know how I got here so writing for me is how I process my thoughts I'm dumping it on to the internet not thinking it's going to mean anything then people start connecting to this blog and now they're being inspired and I'm like oh lord oh I didn't mean that was not inspired by me and so I was like you know what I'm going to slow this train down by telling them like I got pregnant at 13 years old like I'm going through a divorce I dropped out of college I am not your inspiration and then I still was they were like oh my gosh me too oh my gosh I'm no longer alone in this I didn't know that someone else felt this way and now all of a sudden those things that I thought disqualified me those things that I thought I could never use are the things that people actually had to taste for this authenticity this truth this uncertainty and this willingness to own it there was an appetite for that that at the time it felt like very few people were willing to say this is who I am this is what I've gone through and that appetite wasn't just for you to say this is who I am but also I really wish that I could also be this and so in my early 20s I started this journey of like this is where I am this is what I hope to be true I'm going to live like it's true and these women who have been on this journey with me have seen my life evolve literally as a result of a saying like hey maybe we are the misfits maybe we aren't the ones that anyone won it but girl I'll claim you but first you got to claim you covered for sure got claim recovered that is such a phenomenal metaphor yeah because all the people pleasing results and you not wanting people to see what's in there for sure and until you learn how to go into those places where you're punishing yourself yeah and you said when we first started talking allowing the love and compassion and acceptance to flow into those places that have been really dark well they've been dark because the cabinet doors are closed yeah yeah for sure and I mean it's really liberating it sounds scary I can feel the fear that you're probably experiencing right now at the very idea of going into that space that maybe your mom didn't have the courage to go in your father never talked about because a lot of this is generational right it's how our families paradigm have shaped the way we see ourselves and the way we see what we're working with and I am just here to let you know this is what I love about the book that I wrote is that I am not going to make you drastically change your life overnight just between you and you can you open that cupboard just between you and you can you say this is all that I'm working with and some of this real spicy and some of this blend and some of it's bitter and some of it's very very sweet just if you could create intimacy within yourself or you say this is all of who I am if you can hear your own story that's the beginning if you can hear it and not cringe if you can hear it and accept it that's the beginning and from that space you whisper it to another person there's a friend who's going through something and because you've gone through your cupboard you say hey I got some of that too I just want you to know that that doesn't have to be the end and from community and connection we begin to spread our story and that spreading is why I'm here and that spreading is the light that we get to offer to the world it's our testimony which again going back to the cupboard it's dark when it's closed so opening it up is the beginning of that little Christmas light that you're talking about that starts to sparkle and that we spread and every time you open your mouth and you tell your story that makes the light a little bit bigger and you were saying that we make a mistake in waiting for these big bonfires in life when every single day there's the opportunity to open the cupboard door and open your mouth and tell your story and that's where the light and the magic is for somebody who's in the place because for a long time when I started looking I guess I used to say back but since until you actually sit with what's in your cupboard it's in the present right here it's right here well that's the other thing is that we talk a lot about regret but because you won't sit with it it's actually not in the past no and so for someone who is entertaining that liberating and courageous moment of even faith in yourself to face it and you do cringe there are some things that the Mel Robbins when I was Mel Schnaiberger there's stuff that I don't know that I still cringe but I'm like oh god woman yeah like what and I have compassion so I so I but for somebody that hasn't ever sat with it and the cringe is there and you want to turn from it do you have any tools or advice for how to sit through the cringe and what is actually coming when you allow all of that grief and that judgment to rise up inside you I love the cheese the word green I'm an analogy girl if you haven't oh god love that okay so here we go so I think that part of the reason why we feel regret when we look at those moments in our lives that make us cringe is because we are constantly turning on a movie right in the middle and looking at one particular scene of our life over and over again and judging our life based on that scene if you are in a moment right now where you're flirting with the idea of learning to sit with yourself in experience compassion for what you've gone through I would dare you to look at your whole movie in totality when I thought about the idea of me getting pregnant at 13 I would I would cringe like girl like how could you over and over again now when I think about it I feel sorry for who I was at 13 not sorry like because of who I am but I feel compassion I feel her lostness I feel her isolation I feel her loneliness I feel her anger I understand why I made that choice I know what I was looking for I know what I didn't have because I sat with myself and when you're in a family like my parents had their lives exploded overnight people talk about like mega churches mega pastors like no one sets out for it to be mega people keep coming and the site I guess we need a bigger building you know what I mean and so you make these big buildings and you know I guess we're supposed to do stuff in the communities like you respond to the need and while they were so busy dealing with whatever it meant to be threatened to the spotlight they thought we were okay they really did they thought we were okay but we were lost in a sea of people and overnight our lives went from having this family church where we knew everyone to all of a sudden people sending death threats and we need security and we weren't okay no one was helping us process what was happening they couldn't process it and so I was lonely I was angry I didn't fit so when I think about who I was when I got pregnant if I just look at me rubbing my belly at 13 I could say oh so cringy I could say man that girl was really heartbroken that girl really needed someone who could see her that girl really needed someone who would tell her where she fit in this world or to take her out of that world and to help dive into her own world I didn't have those things and as a result of that I tried to self-soothe and I made some choices that I wish I could have done differently mainly for the sake of my son that having to grow up with me at the same time I was growing up but I don't feel bad about that anymore because I see the whole movie and so if you're watching this or listening to it I want you to know that you do not have to look at your life one scene at a time that the greatest gift you can give yourself is to look at it from the opening credits to where you are now to understand that anyone who had what you had in the cabinet would have probably made the same choice they would have likely ended up addicted to maybe they would have been heartbroken as well maybe they would have been whatever your thing is that makes you cringe if you look at the whole movie given what you had to work with I want you to know that you did the best that you could it is so true and there is so much more that I want to dig into with you but I think this is a really good time to take a quick pause and just allow all of this profound wisdom to seep into you and while you're listening to our sponsors I want you to take a minute and please share this with somebody that you love this conversation is a gift and Sarah and I are going to be waiting for you after this short break stay with us welcome back it's your friend Mel Robbins I am absolutely thrilled that you and I are together today and that we get to spend time with the extraordinary Sarah jakes Roberts and now Sarah you know where I want to go next is this as I listen to you over and over and over again and just really to each word the thing that keeps coming up for me is this ability to look at the whole movie of your life the fact that it's so easy to forget isn't it that this is also your parents first time being human beings yeah yeah that they're doing the best that they can with what they had in the cupboard based on what your grandparents had in their cupboard hello yeah that doesn't mean that any of it is just if I just mean like what they had is what they had there is this level of kind of my daughter has this term open arms there's kind of open arms kind of people yeah which is the physical version of an open heart yeah and you have this ability to make us want to look at our own movie and story with an open heart and compassion for self how important is that loving understanding I guess is how I would describe what compassion is yeah for sure I would yeah looking at your life through a lens of love not judgment is an incredible definition of what it means to have compassion and I think it's responsible to do that when you're going to engage in relationship with other people because if you can't look at your life through the lens of love but you can look at other people's life through the lens of love and feel compassion for them then you cannot even receive the love that you're pouring out into the world or worse we are harsh with other people because we're harsh with ourselves because I can't see my life through a lens of love I'm definitely not going to see yours and if I went through this and you went through that they grow grab them bootstraps and that ain't nothing like now we're in the struggle Olympics like who's got to work who's got it worse you know what I mean or where jealous or where envy is and like we just are not best people to be in relationship with when we haven't figured out what compassion looks like for our own journey and especially for doing the work of raising children loving partners there is an obligation I feel that we have to bring more love into the world and love isn't going to come from pursuit it's going to come from us digging a well within ourselves and when we dig that well and we hit that spring of love not just for ourselves it overflows into how we care for other people we were at Starbucks the other day and my daughter she's 14 she's not aware of anything except for herself and she slings the door open and she hits the car of the person beside us and he's coming out of Starbucks at the same time and he doesn't he calls her like a dumb he's called her something ignorant crazy and so I heard him say it and I go now that wasn't kind and that response instead of like matching his anger like because I've been frustrated before someone's hit my door they weren't paying attention so like I'm not going to act like oh my gosh how could you be frustrated that someone hit your car and probably dig your door but I think I caught him so off guard by not responding with fire I was just like now that wasn't kind that he felt conviction about how he was showing up in the world but I think that when we are able to really master that it literally changes all of the ways that we interact with people now that doesn't mean I won't cut somebody out though so like don't catch it that was a good moment I was full of love I must have just been worshiping but like if you catch me on a low moment you know I'm going to try I'm going to do all the things but what are all the things that you do in order to stay in a grounded place where you are present to that power and light inside you I have to rest when I am not resting I am running going fumes and when I'm running going fumes I don't always make the best choices I'm tired I'm weary I'm irritated from the place of rest even if for me it's just like spiritual rest letting my brain rest gratitude appreciation prayer meditation really reflecting on my life and I let the 13 year old girl who experienced shame rejection and loneliness take in where life is now oh yeah the grown woman version of me grabbing this little girl's hand and saying look girl like look you made it your son's 21 now and he loves you and he's an incredible human and oh my gosh this man that you married like look at how he talks about you and you know in my children and my life and like look what they're saying about you because she heard she heard your nasty she heard your a slut she heard your like she heard all of those things and if I'm not careful I won't allow her to hear what people are saying now I won't allow her to experience the affirmation of God that exists in her life now and sometimes I'm so busy doing and checking the boxes and going through the calendar that I don't let her in for like this listening session we're like look at this world I think no matter where you are in your movie the scene that you're in is still worthy of reaching backward and taking a younger version of yourself and just taking a moment and going we made it this far yeah like look at all this yeah oh my gosh because this thing this adulting thing they keep moving the marker they just keep moving it is like chow I just got here and now you're telling me that here doesn't exist it's actually there and then I get there and that's not here either you know but where I am now was a place there I once wanted to be and I think reconciliation is being able to say like look at where we are now like okay you have all these things you want to do and all these plans all that stuff like okay maybe we get there maybe we don't but right now if we didn't get any further than this man if I did not get any further than this it feels greedy for me when people are like what are you going to do next what's next that feels like greed because I am in the overflow right now if I never write another book this is the last podcast I record and I disappear from people's brains and minds what God has done in my life up until this point was not something I could have ever asked for I didn't even know this was possible I did not know that God saw this for me oh can I tell you story you can you can I am in a trans you can tell me whatever the heck you want to tell me it just gives me chills I love it but when I first got pregnant someone very close to me looks at me and said I always knew to expect something like this from you and that made me questions so much I'm 13 with a 13 year old mine and it just made me feel like there's really something wrong with you the church stuff didn't make sense and now someone saying they knew to expect this from you and I ate that for breakfast like for 10 years like there's something wrong with you the dirty the nasty the all of that like I just ate that I believed it and when my life started changing I think I probably did experience imposter syndrome which it was weird because I told people who I was but they were so there and so now I'm just questioning myself and I was at church and I was just kind of like printing and worshiping and I was about to go on tour and you know I just be doing stuff I'm just like let's see what'll happen if we do a tour and then the tour says I don't know oh Lord I'm usually prepared for things to fail not for things to succeed I'm like oh they come in the tour and I'm praying and I really just felt like the presence of God saying I always knew to expect something like this from you and sometimes I'm standing in moments and I start to feel down and I start to feel worried and I start to wonder if I have what it takes to stand up in the moment and I feel God say I always knew to expect something like this from you and trusting what God knows what God knew what God saw even when I didn't see it myself there's nothing else could be added to this and I will not allow other people's idea of who I could be to rob me of be assurance I have received from what God's always known about me like I can't let you keep moving the marker because I already know like I won already I won well I think you win the moment you open the cabinet doors how would you frame the way that you're talking about your relationship with God to a person that's listening that either has lost their faith or doesn't believe in God like how do they kind of tap into what you're saying if they're not in a place where they have the same level of faith that you do for me I will say that I believe in the intentionality of our existence the whole world has been created with this intention the way that everything is working together the solar system, the mosquitoes like everything is playing apart like I hate mosquitoes but for some reason they do serve this atmosphere I just don't believe that it got to humanity and there was no intention for humanity and so that belief undergirds the way that I show up in the world that I am just as essential as the sun for my time here I am just as essential as the ocean for my time here I believe that and so from that space of intentionality I am always seeking out how do I make sure that I am in an optimal state to be sensitive to the role that I can play in this moment what I love about what you just said is that you are raising the stakes on yourself for why you are here and so many of us are looking around for somebody else to go okay I pick you, you're now the one, I'm going to give you permission and when you look at yourself as being here for a reason and the reason is simply to spread light, simply to make the people around you your community, your family, yourself feel better to do good like that in and of itself gives your life meaning and then when you add into it okay so let me work with the ingredients that I got let me do something with this that's why I said to make sure I'm in my optimal state which means I've got to make sure that I am as well as aware as whole as reconciled as possible in order for me to be most effective and that's a constant reconciliation like in the county like I got to go back to the book tell it on you didn't got on my nerves today I must need an app I need to go for reconciled I need to address to something I need like I become so I hate myself when I'm tired she's not a good girl she's not I want to throw in the cabinet I'm she needs an app she needs like and not just like I need to go to sleep like I need you all to stop asking me for stuff like I can always tell when I'm overexerted when like my family, my community, my team are asking me for things that I said a precedent for and I am annoyed why would an egg call you and tell you to come to death to get me this talk let me tell you when my eight year old asked me what for dinner I'm like feed your set like when are you going to grow up when are you going to why are you asking me for dinner what do I look like the chef or I'm like you need an app because now you set this precedent and you don't want to live up to it anymore and so maybe you do need to change the precedent but you probably don't want to communicate it that way so you need to take a minute, recollect, regroup, figure out what do you need what is still true for you right now what is no longer true so you need to be aware of this so that they can make space for who you are now you know I'm on do when we're done talking I am going to ask the team to take that particular segment and text it to me so that I can listen to it on repeat until I have taken my nap and I can just change the precedent and stop being like angry about being overworked because if you're right it is everyone and you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not going to be like you're not 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all of that stuff that you stuff down inside you waiting for some day waiting for permission waiting to feel ready waiting to get rid of the shame waiting for inspiration waiting for motivation you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard you just heard I hadn't thought about it I hadn't thought about it I hadn't thought about it in the context of space in the context of space in the context of space in the 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