All right.
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, good day to everybody joining us live and those watching the replay.
Today, in this webinar, we're talking about likability, but not fake likability, not people pleasing, not performing, not laughing at every single joke, like your survival and social survival depends on it.
Today we're talking about the kind of likability that makes people feel relaxed in your presence, and i have a wonderful worksheet for you that stick around to the end.
I'm going to show it to you and for those of you in our community you'll be able to fill that out, and then I would love for you to share it in the comments so that we can share with each other kind of what we've been going through with our worksheet, like what kinds of Discoveries we've made.
And again, this is both intrapersonal communication and interpersonal communication.
So it's really important that we also take some time to do the intrapersonal work.
Okay.
So let's jump right in.
I'm going to share my screen.
Hello hello, good morning.
So, for those of you joining live, i would love for you to share in the comments um, as we go through the slides, some of the things that you're thinking about as you are listening to what i'm sharing, and then, of course, i have a great framework for you and i will also be showing you the worksheet as well.
All right, so let's get into it.
All right, so what does likability really mean?
I think we've all kind of come across the people who are super easy to be around.
They don't dominate the room.
They don't try too hard.
It feels like it just comes easy to them to make conversation, make small talk.
And it doesn't feel like a performance, right?
They just make you feel good in that interaction. that's emotional ease and that is what we are packing unpacking today so that we can put a finger on that kind of aura that kind of vibe which comprise likability And I want you to think about it this way.
Likeability is not magic.
It's not.
Oh wow, this person has this amazing like magicalness about them, magic about them, but it's really about their communication, which is why we're talking about it inside Exploring Academy.
And this is something that you can learn.
Okay.
And the good news is that you don't have to be extroverted loud, funny or constantly interesting to be likable.
You can be quiet and likable.
You can be direct and likable.
You can have boundaries and be likable.
So this is something that we can all improve.
We can all improve.
Okay, so let's start with the awkward truth.
Sometimes, the harder we try to be likable, the less natural we become.
We try to force it.
It can backfire, right?
If we try to perform likability, that's not about establishing connection, that's trying to impress people, and people can see through that, right?
So we walk into a conversation and suddenly our brain becomes a social commentary channel.
Right, the rumination kicks in.
We're on that negative feedback loop and it's things like was that weird should?
Did i talk too loud?
Did i say something in a weird way?
You know you overplay things.
Should i have said more?
Do they like me?
Why did i laugh that way?
I did my like crazy cackle, like witch laugh.
Am i standing normally?
Am i using enough hand gestures?
Am i using too many hand gestures?
Right, and so once that social commentary starts, what happens?
You're no longer in the conversation anymore.
You are watching yourself, like from a bird's eye view.
Even it's a disembodied experience and you're not in the conversation.
You're, you're watching yourself have the conversation, and what does that do?
It creates tension okay, and the other person in the conversation might not know exactly what's happening, because they're not going to read your thoughts unless you're, you know, in a mind reading situation.
But they can feel when the interaction becomes pressured.
So instead of asking how do i make them like me, I want us to ask a better question, which is how can I make this interaction feel easier?
Okay, because the reality is, people don't relax around perfection, particularly when we put pressure on ourselves to be perfect, whatever that perfect is to you.
And my version of perfect is going to look different than someone else's version of perfect.
Your version of perfect will look different from your friends, right?
So again, and that kind of ephemeral perfect, whatever that is, that's not the right, not right barometer.
Okay, so we relax around presence and that connection.
Okay, so I want to do a quick check-in.
I want you to write in the chat what number feels most familiar to you, and I'm going to list out a couple things.
Okay, so number one, I try too hard to be interesting.
Number two, I agree too quickly. number three I overthink whether people like me number four I get quiet because I don't want to seem awkward number five I replay the interaction afterwards okay so type it in the chat type it in the chat okay yeah okay agreeing too quickly is definitely something that that we can do and again that stems from this likability so thank you for sharing those answers um absolutely and it's it again i don't want you to think of these as character flaws they're not they're protection strategies so today we're going to upgrade that strategy so let's have a reframe because again it starts with the mindset intrapersonal and interpersonal communication we're doing the intrapersonal work so that we can do the interpersonal work so the reframe is this likability is not approval talk about that distinction so approval is about trying to get somebody to validate you validate your feelings validate what you're doing what validate your thoughts validate whatever it is likability is about helping somebody feel comfortable being themselves around you so do you see how that's a very different goal when we are chasing approval the question is do they like me do they want to be my friend do they want to be my colleague do they want me to work with them right ultimately boiling down to do they like me but when you're creating ease the question is different the question becomes Can this person relax a little bit more in my presence?
And what does that mean?
That means they can feel free to be themselves.
They can say something that they might not say to everybody.
They can share a little bit of their vulnerable side with you.
And so that shift changes everything approval seeking asks versus the social ease asks.
So we're not trying to be perfect, okay.
We're not trying to win the interaction, because there's no such thing as winning the interaction, and we're not trying to become the most impressive person in the room.
What we're trying to do is create warmth curiosity, clarity and comfort.
And i want to be really clear about something to be creating ease does not mean that you're passive or that you're overly agreeable or constantly placating people.
The most likable people have a very clear sense of self okay.
They're warm, but they're not needy.
They could be super attentive, but they're not intense.
And they're expressive, but not in an overwhelming way.
And you'll also notice that they're confident, but they're not dominant.
They're not trying to hog the conversation.
They're not trying to put everyone in their place or put project their opinions on to everybody or have them agree with them.
That is the sweet spot, right?
So likability really is the balance between warmth and self-respect.
That's that where the in between, that it lives in okay.
So here's the framework that I want us to.
I don't want to say memorize.
I want to say internalize, right?
This is the framework, okay?
And this is what likable people create.
So if we reverse, engineer a likable person, this is what they do okay.
So ease, it's not about entertainment, it's not about being the funniest person, it's not about perfection, it's not about constantly agreeing, it's about ease.
What does that stand for?
So we've got emotional tone.
That's the feeling that people get from your presence, kind of like your vibe right, what's what's your vibe?
What's your vibe?
A is the attention quality.
This is how deeply somebody feels that you're actually there with them, right?
I mean especially now people are on their phones or thinking about and it's just going to get worse with more integrated like technology, with everything else going on.
We're distracted.
Okay, so how can we not be distracted?
Well, the opposite is mindfulness, right?
Really being present and grounded.
So this is something that we can pick up on and that's attention quality.
And then S is social generosity.
So what is that?
That is the way that you offer small moments of of warmth, of validation, of humor, of clarity, of curiosity, of credit.
Okay, so that's how you're being generous, And then E is the easy exit.
Okay, so what does that mean?
That is your ability to let conversations breathe.
They ebb and flow.
You're not trying to control them.
You're not trying to micromanage them or anything like that.
It's the ability to let them have those waves, the ebb and the flow, and then come to a natural, graceful conclusion, right.
People remember how you let them leave.
What's that kind of, you know, lingering thought that you leave them with?
Kind of like a food for thought, even if you will.
So these four things create that feeling that somebody has, where they say you know, i really like being around this person.
When they think of you, they have nice thoughts, they want to spend more time with you, they like being around you and it's not because, like those likable people have, like they always know the perfect thing to say, but it's because the interactions they have with them feel good and they might not remember what you said.
There's that great Maya Angelou quote which is to the extent of people will not remember.
I'm paraphrasing a little bit, but this is attributed to Maya Angelou.
People remember not what you said, but how you made them feel.
That's the essence of this.
Okay so, emotional tone.
The reality is, people feel your energy before even fully processing your words.
Right, this is why someone can say the right thing, but the interaction sometimes feels uncomfortable and it's like the whole trope of well, it's not what you say, it's how you say it.
Right, maybe the words are polite, but the energy is like tight and it feels construed, even sorry, contrived even so.
Something like a simple phrase like hey, how are you?
You can say that in a million different ways, right?
So what do you want to do?
You want to practice before you enter, because likable people don't always have the perfect words.
It's not about that, it's about all the other the other high resonance factors.
So the tone, the facial expressions microexpressions, your gesticulation, like what you do, your posture, your pacing, your microreactions, your timing, all of these things are going to help you with that energy, that emotional tone.
Right, and so i want you, every time you have a conversation, before you get on a call or walk into a room or jump on a zoom, i really want you to check in with yourself and i want you to think And ask yourself what emotional tone am I bringing into this room?
Again, virtual or physical.
Is it presence?
Is it pressure?
Is it warmth?
Is it curiosity?
Is it groundedness?
Like, what is it?
So I want you to think about that.
And then I want you to think what emotional tone do you want people to feel from you?
Right, so things can be like warm playful calm grounded thoughtful clear inspiring confident welcoming, really anything.
You want to set the tone, first set it for yourself, so that you can Then act accordingly.
Okay, so the attention quality now.
A lot of people think they're just misconceptions that in order to be likable, you have to be the most interesting person in the room, the most impressive, the most credentialed, the most fascinating you name it.
The thing is, people like you more when they feel fascinating around you.
Okay, so that does not mean fake flattery.
Okay, i don't want you to think of it that way.
I want you to think of it as real attention.
Your attention is undivided and it's on them, So high quality attention sounds like.
Tell me more about that.
What was that like for you?
How did you get into that?
Busy in a good way or overwhelming?
These are like super simple lines and they're not fancy.
What do these all say?
They all say that I'm not just waiting to talk, I'm with you, I want to hear what you have to say.
Okay, so the practice here is to ask somebody one question one layer deeper, like a question that is one layer deeper, it goes beyond that surface.
Okay, what could that be?
So, for example, if somebody says oh, i just started a new role, what might that follow-up look like?
What is that one layer deeper question?
Do you have any ideas?
You can write it in the chat.
Some might just say oh, that's cool, that's interesting, but these don't lead anywhere, right?
They're pretty basic.
So if somebody says, I just started a new role, clearly they want to talk about it.
So what could you say?
You could ask, how has that transition been so far?
And then they'll tell you.
If somebody says I'm working on a new project, you might want to ask them well, what has been the most exciting part?
Right?
So I want you, every time you have an opportunity, to ask that one layer deeper question before switching the focus back on you, because attention is a social gift and being socially generous and having that attention quality really stands out, especially in our ai era, that real human tension, attention stands out.
The social generosity, what is this?
These are social gifts.
This means that you offer these small social gifts that really go a long way.
Okay, so you don't withhold every kind thought.
Maybe you really you know, like how somebody ran a meeting, tell them that.
Tell them that.
You know these are important things to share with people.
You don't have to make people work painfully hard for a reaction.
Either you just give little social gifts without expecting anything in return like that was a really great way of explaining it or i love how you think about this or that's painfully relatable, right?
I appreciate your saying that these are, these are little moments that matter, and i want to be clear too, here.
Right, this is not about people pleasing, it's not.
It's not social generosity, is not people pleasing, right?
People pleasing what is that it's like?
I'll agree, so that you like me.
I'll just say I'm aligned with you, so that you like me.
That's not the same thing, because social generosity is.
I can offer warmth while being honest with myself.
Maybe I disagree with you, but I can still do it in a nice way.
I can still offer warmth and I can still thank you for your perspective on it.
Okay so you're not abandoning yourself you're, you're being warm.
Okay, you can absolutely 100, still disagree and still be likable, because that's respectful.
People respect that, people respect that.
Okay, so it's not fake, it's warm, it's respectful.
The goal is that warmth, without that self-abandonment, you're staying true to yourself and then e is the easy exit.
So Likeable people are super easy to enter a conversation with and super easy to exit a conversation with.
They're not trying to trap you.
They're not clinging to you.
They don't make you feel like every single pause Or a bit of silence is terrifying.
And they give you the freedom.
They give you the freedom to speak.
They give you the freedom to think your thoughts.
They give you the freedom to express yourself in your way.
Okay?
And that freedom... super liberating and it creates ease right that's what we're going for so an easy exit line could be and i love this one i use it a lot i don't want to keep you it was so nice catching up don't let me keep you it was so great catching up with you or if you're in a networking event and you hit it with hit it off with somebody you're ready for them to be your new bff give them the space to go out there and mingle too and you'll just say like i'll let you mingle but i'm super glad we connected here's my card here's my you know here are my socials like let's connect right i know you have a few people to say hi to so i'll let you go because it shows that you are being respectful of their time right and there will be other opportunities to to talk again if you have that ease and you're cool you're cool about it they're going to want to hang out again right because these show it's it's like the under underlying messages what's not being said is that you don't have to escape me right you're not trying to run away here like I got you right let's close this gracefully we'll we'll chat again right And it keeps the door open.
It keeps the door open.
So that's the goal here.
Because what you want to do is leave that positive emotional residue.
Remember what Maya Angelou says, right?
People will remember how you make them feel, okay?
That quote comes to mind.
So let's have a nice practice tool here.
I call this the likability reset because this is super simple.
You can use it before, during and after, and it's the tool that you can have in your back pocket.
Super easy, just bust it out when you need to.
So if it's before, I want you to regulate.
You're asking, okay, what kind of energy am I bringing here?
What's my vibe?
What vibe am I trying to bring?
What's the energy?
And then remind yourself that you can even write a post-it and stick it somewhere that you see.
Remind yourself that your job is not to impress.
It's supposed to create ease, all right.
So let's say you're in a conversation and the rumination loop starts, or you're starting to be super socially aware of yourself and that social commentator kicks in.
I want you to recalibrate, right.
The reframe and ask yourself is what is this person giving me that I can respond to?
So maybe you find a little detail.
You notice an emotion.
You notice a question.
Maybe there's a bit of excitement around something.
Or maybe there's some uncertainty.
So it's what here, what can I work with?
What can I respond to?
Okay?
And then afterwards, I want you to leave warmth.
So end with one small positive signal.
That was so nice.
It was great catching up.
I'm so glad i ran into you.
Your note made my day.
Your whatsapp put a smile on my face.
I loved hearing about that.
Okay, so This is your likability reset.
Super easy.
Like I said, just think about where you're feeling these.
And is it before?
Is it during?
Is it after?
And if you combine it with the ease framework, you're golden.
You're golden.
Okay.
So we're going to close with an identity shift because again, the mindfulness, the mindset changing, the recalibrating our thoughts, the intrapersonal communication that feeds into the interpersonal communication, it's about doing all the work right.
You're not trying to perform likability, you're becoming somebody who creates ease, ease that you'll notice as you're creating for others, you create for yourself.
It's that inner peace, it's that feeling of I'm enough, I'm good enough, all just trying our best.
Right, we're all doing our best and i want you to remember that about yourself too.
Okay, so you are becoming somebody who creates ease.
So the old pattern would be i need people to like me, so i've got to impress them, i've got to agree with them, entertain them, make them feel, you know, like they want to be with me all the time, and maybe that means i have to hide parts of myself.
Okay, that's the old identity.
We want to Get rid of that one, okay.
The new pattern is I can be warm, I can be grounded, I can be curious and I can be clear and I can help people feel comfortable without abandoning myself okay.
That is socially fluent, likability and, as you probably have already pointed out or noticed yourself, human beings read social cues very, very quickly.
We are socially.
We are social creatures.
Okay, whether you have social anxiety or not, whether you're super likable or not, we are social creatures, so we can read, and that includes you Tones, facial expressions responsiveness warmth attention, emotional regulation super easily, super fast.
And so, before people decide whether we're impressive, they're going to ask questions like is this person safe?
Is this person friendly?
Do they respect me?
Can I relax here?
Right?
Because they don't want to perform either.
They want to relax.
They want to feel ease.
And if they feel ease around you, they're going to want to be around you.
That's the big thing here, okay?
So this is why i want you to practice the ease framework.
This week we're going to practice this.
Come into the community.
Let me know once you fill out that worksheet, or if any of this like strikes a chord with you.
Tell your friends, share it in the.
Share your worksheet answers or even just a few snippets in the community.
Um, and i, i really want you to think about this framework, because the more you practice it, the easier it's going to become.
You don't have to memorize all these frameworks.
I want you to get comfortable with them and practice them, so that you know how to adapt them and use them in your communication right.
That's the biggest thing.
Okay, let's quickly look at our worksheet.
Do I have that open?
No, i don't.
But one moment please.
So any of this.
What was a big takeaway here for those joining live?
Feel free to share that any.
Anything that You're like, absolutely.
This resonates so much.
Or maybe this is all new.
And, you know, and that's great too.
Okay, what is our worksheet?
So here we go.
What's your likability factor?
So here I've given you some simple answers.
So I want you to fill this out.
What's your likability pattern?
You know your self-check with the ease framework and then the likability reset.
What is your before, your during, and your after?
And then I want you to do your real-life practice and share that in the community.
You can also come to our live AMA coaching session with your or with some social experiments that you've done with this.
And then what's your identity shift?
So just practice one social signal this week and then come on into academyexploringco, our wonderful Exploring Academy, and share what you learn about yourself, what you discover.
All right, so that's it.
That is, that is our likability webinar, and i'm so excited to see what you come up with, what you discover about yourself and then, most importantly, practicing it.
That's going to be the game changer here actually practicing it, putting your money where your mouth is basically right.
Okay, my friends, thank you so much for joining.
I hope you enjoyed it and i am gonna see you in the next one, all right?
