Hey everybody, it's Robin here and I am so excited to be sitting here with you for
another deer headspace.
Today I am with my pal, Kaisanga and we are joined by a new pal, Corey.
He's one of the staff coaches here at Headspace and you know what I say.
The more people, the more advice the better.
So welcome, Corey.
And oh hey, by the way, more advice is good because today we have questions about when
you have trouble taking compliments, how to put intention into practice in your life,
and we also have a question about how to think about that next phase in your life after
you leave a job.
So let's get right to it.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Deer Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer
your questions.
Alright, Kais and Corey in the house, was that was too much?
It was too I know, I couldn't help it.
It was all the K-illiteration, the sound made me do it.
How are you guys?
Doing well, doing well, Robin, always looking forward to this opportunity to sit with you.
And now we have Corey.
I know.
Hi, Corey.
Hi, everyone.
I'm doing well.
I am happy to be here.
Happy to be a part of the team and happy to get started.
Does everybody call you Coach Corey?
Like do you have t-shirts to say Coach Corey?
No.
If you don't, we should get you one.
The moment you said it, I said maybe I should.
It may be a good brand that makes the next tremendous.
Playing letters, a whole thing is coming.
Alright, you two, are you ready for some questions?
Because we are going to kick it off with Martha who has trouble taking compliments.
You ready?
Mm-hmm.
Sounds interesting.
Let's get into it.
Okay.
Hello, dear headspace.
My name is Martha and I live in London.
I recently started realizing that I have a problem with taking positive feedback and
compliment and not twisting it upside down and making it into something that's negative.
I realized that somebody compliments my work and says, well done and I'll be like, is
it well done?
Why is it not great?
Why is it not amazing?
And so I was wondering if you've got any advice and how not to spiral in those negative
thoughts when somebody says something positive about you.
If that makes sense.
Oh Martha, it does make sense.
It makes a lot of sense, right?
I mean, I love this because I know that that's something that I usually just try to turn
it back around the other person.
I'm like, no, no, but let's talk about what great things you've been doing.
So we all have a million different ways to not take a compliment.
So let's start on taking compliments.
How are we doing this, you guys?
So when I first heard you say Martha is that this is a problem I have.
And so what I offer you is perhaps shifting a perspective, this idea of this behavior
pattern of yours being a problem, right?
Whenever you come at something, labeling it right off the top as a problem, then you're
in that space of judgment.
And once you're judging yourself, then it becomes a stressful situation.
Or as you said, Martha, you get into this spiral.
I think that's the word you use.
Yeah.
So yeah, so that idea of it being a problem and you judging yourself, there's nothing wrong
with what you're doing, right?
It's just something that you are aware of.
You're aware that this is a behavior pattern that I have.
I'm having some difficulty taking a compliment and not turning it around.
And now, how do I shift out of it?
So the first step, well, the first step is awareness, which I totally hear that you're aware
of Martha.
And then what I offer you is moving forward, shifting your perspective of this behavior pattern
that you think.
Isn't that due to certain extent semantics?
She's ultimately saying, I don't like that I do this.
So even if you take the judgment out, it still leaves her feeling away.
Sure.
And there's nothing wrong with feeling away, right?
There's nothing wrong with feeling a certain way.
What my suggestion is, is how are you framing it?
How are you framing it?
Because you can approach a behavior pattern that you notice in yourself.
You can call it a problem, which is going to create a whole slew of more, I always label
it as a stress.
Like then you can feel bad about yourself and all those things.
It's like it's a hot, skipping a jump to a snicker's bar for me.
Right.
Versus, this is the behavior pattern that I notice that I want to change.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So that concept of man judging is so, so very important.
I think that's a really good point as far as like the self awareness.
I think what came up for me was the idea of an attachment to it at all.
And when I say like attachment as someone who has similarly struggled with accepting compliments
or like learning how to feel about compliments, I think the question in my mind then becomes
why do we have to have an attachment to it at all if it's a perceived compliment or
a perceived, um, and so I guess in some ways or you know if there's like a deeper meaning
to it, why do we have to form an attachment to it at all?
Why can't it just be?
Yeah.
Which is something that I think really can maybe catch some people off guard or it can
take some time to really develop like what does that mean for you?
But instead of, and this is a, this is something that I work with in my own personal life.
Instead of just, I just letting it kind of pass.
Just how we teach as far as like mindfulness and you know, kind of being the seer of our
thoughts, but we are not our thoughts.
I think the same principle could apply when we are interacting with other people, taking
the experience or whatever is said at face value and letting it pass and not forming an
attachment to it one way or another.
So, so let's take what you're saying here, right?
And let's take what Martha's Martha said.
So Martha said someone might said, you did a good job and then she's like, well, why
did I take a great job?
Why did I like her mind automatically went to that next thing?
Is it like a mindfulness approach where you just let that thought come and let that
thought go or from like, because I'm thinking of like therapy, is there a cycle to be broken
of accepting the compliment and leaning into I did do a good job.
I think yes and yes, though both of those scenarios which you just described can co exist.
So you receive the compliment and oh, that's the compliment.
Someone says well done.
I think that's what she said, well done Martha.
Oh, thank you.
And boom, they gave me a compliment.
Thank you.
I'm going to keep it moving.
Right?
Now, if you now on the flip side, what you said about therapy, I'm so glad you mentioned
that Robin, because if you notice that you do have this behavior pattern of internalizing
compliments and insults, either one or both, and you want to investigate, okay, I'm noticing
this behavior pattern.
Why is this present?
And so we know we're all proponents for therapy.
Let me let me let me go to a therapist.
And that's where you can process this behavior pattern.
If you want to dig into why am I why do I like my mom always told me I wasn't good enough
right?
Right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
And the two compliment each other.
They don't know.
So that that buddy has no I think they compliment each other.
Yeah.
And it sounds like a discovery tool to like help you start to maybe dig as to why it doesn't
come naturally.
Like because it's like like I don't love a compliment, but I couldn't tell you why that
is.
I mean, I think that in my head, there's an idea that it's like arrogant or it's like
I have a 100% have a judgment attached to it.
And I just and I spend time just trying to get off it as quickly as possible.
So I've tried to practice just saying thank you, but it is very hard.
It like this is this is one of the reasons I love this question is it seems like such
a seems like such a simple thing, but I find it to be incredibly difficult.
And I don't I think a lot of people do.
Well, I'm glad you said that Robin because it kind of brings me to the last point I wanted
to make where all of this that we say seems easier said than done, which always brings
you full circle back around to my idea and my emphasis on consistent practice.
And consistent practice being gentle and compassionate with yourself.
Amazing.
Well, Martha, let me offer you the very first opportunity to practice.
Thank you for your question.
It was great that you gave it to us and you're doing really good job, Martha.
You're doing great.
I love it.
Now, just in your head, I hope you just said, thank you and don't tell anything else.
Thank you.
I'm over.
All right.
Let's move on to our next question from Wendy.
Here we go.
Hi, my name is Wendy.
I'm calling from France and I've been thinking a lot about intention.
I've been practicing yoga since the start of the pandemic and also a bit of meditation.
These have really helped me with moving past the trauma that so many women carry with
them from from their past.
But I'm curious about the notion of intention.
I don't know much about it and I'm one of those people who can get stuck in a spiral of
her own thoughts and go into a rabbit hole.
And I feel like the practice of intention could somehow help me to interrupt that spiral.
But I'm not sure how to do that.
So could you please talk a bit about the practice of intention?
I'd really love to start practicing it.
Thanks so much.
I really appreciate all the work that you do.
Oh, thank you, Wendy.
What's interesting is there feels like a real connection between this question and our
first question in terms of that spiraling thinking.
But I like the driving into intention as well.
So talk to me, guys.
Talk to me.
So just question about intention.
Obviously intention goes hand in hand with mindfulness and meditation and the practice.
You know, it's all about that deliberate direction of your attention, the deliberate
direction of your actions.
And it's usually for a specific goal or a specific purpose.
So that's what intention is all about.
Just sending out that deliberate direction.
But what you want your intention to be aligned with is your values, right?
Your values and what is important to you.
So your question ultimately was how do you practice this idea of intention?
The first step what I invite you to do, if I don't know if you journal, but maybe jotting
down your values.
What in your life is important to you.
Good health, money or family, you know, and being as specific as possible.
Therefore you have some clarity, you can create some clarity and awareness when it comes
to setting your intentions.
And keeping in mind that your intentions just like life is going to change moment by
moment.
It's not an idea of setting an intention and then everything is, everything is fine.
So when I think about intention, what I find hopeful is being really intentional with
um, start to answer this without saying intention.
I know being being really intentional with changing our internal logic, right?
What messages have we digested and then what are we repeating to ourselves over and over
again?
As we work to step into our power or just, you know, these things that like Cassava said
as far as like our values and our goals, as we work to focus on these things, what can
be helpful is really changing the dialogue or the monologue that we're having with ourselves
throughout each and every day.
Some people find, you know, positive affirmations helpful.
Yeah.
I personally find them helpful just like these little um, tidbits that helped me throughout
the day like I am enough.
Yeah.
If I do nothing more or less, I am enough as I am, um, by just really changing the monologue
that we're having with ourselves as we try to take these new steps because over time,
the more that you change the conversation inside, the more that you can change what's going
on on the outside.
Yeah.
So that's just something that I constantly, you know, repeat to myself from time to time.
I love that, Corey.
I love that.
Just to piggyback on that.
I would, I would invite with the practice, and this is just getting a little, uh, I don't
know, if mystical is the word, but keeping, I find that keeping it all positive.
You know, keeping the language that you use positive, right?
Well, you said Corey, I am enough.
Right.
Keeping keeping it all positive versus I won't over eat.
You don't want to get it right.
I won't overeat.
Right.
Because the universe doesn't decipher positive from negative.
It hears what you say.
So if you, if you say something negative, even if I won't do, I won't overeat.
I won't do this or that versus I will do the positive, whatever that positive action
is.
Right.
So yeah, just, just keeping it ultra, ultra positive.
It takes the negative out of the conversation entirely, which I think is really interesting.
Absolutely.
And you'll feel that shift and energy in that inverse.
I often, like when I talk to people and they'll say like, I don't want my year to be like
last year.
And I'm always like, okay, what, what was last year that you didn't like?
Well, I was, I was tired.
I over-scheduled.
I didn't complete.
And I'm like, okay.
So what would the opposite look like?
Well, I will have finished the book that I was working on.
I will have gone on two vacations.
And I think that correlates to your universe thing, Ksanga.
Like how does the universe know what to give you if you aren't specific?
And so that specificity and oftentimes we don't even know, like I think all the time since
you said it in that last episode about you doing like a little prayer, like a moment
before you get into the car of saying what you want the trip to be like to try to help
with road rage because we both acknowledge that we suffer a little from the road rage.
When New Yorkers, what you gonna do?
What do you want from us?
We're doing the best we can, all right?
All right.
All right.
And it's like, and I've been thinking about that so much about like me being like, I don't
want to be mad in this car ride.
Well, what would that even look like?
How, how, like I want to arrive at my destination on time feeling peaceful?
Yeah.
So it's all about practice.
Yeah, it really comes back around to that practice.
Yeah.
I think it's also, I think sometimes with intention, a lot of us keep it purely in like the
mental space.
And you know, which is definitely part of it.
But also as we do set our intentions, we also have to make sure that our actions are matching
what we are saying that we want that, you know, we value.
So if we are saying that I have a goal or I have an intention to be more financially responsible
so that I can buy a home at the end of the year, you know, then step one might be Corey
don't order Uber Eats as much as you have been.
I'm laughing because I was picturing you charging something on Amazon for yourself.
As you were like, I'm going to be physically responsible this year right after I buy this
new duvet cover.
And, but it's like, I think it's a fair point.
Just, you know, as we as we do set these intentions, yes, you know, we can, you know, move with
our energies and, you know, definitely get in the cosmic or, you know, mental space, you
know, but also making sure that our actions are aligning the community that we have around
us, our aligning with what we are saying that we want in this life, whether it be from
day to day, month to month, year to year, you know, whatever that looks like for you.
And being really again, intentional about doing so.
Yeah, and something that you hear that, you know, I'll say a lot is lean on your intention,
lean on your intention.
So if you notice, like Corey was saying, that your actions aren't aligned with what you
want, then revisit, revisit that intention that you said, revisit and rinse and repeat.
And also being gentle with yourself and compassion with yourself because if you bring that judgment
in as we spoke about last question, it's not going to really be productive.
Certainly not helpful.
That's for sure.
Yeah, yeah.
Doesn't stop us from doing it, but it's not helpful.
It can almost feel instinctive to start with the self-judgment.
Yeah.
It was a being human.
Take the word almost out of that sentence.
But, but this is also a life journey, right?
This is a life journey.
It's to be patient with yourself also.
I'm thinking about the mindfulness concept of patience.
Well, thank you so much for your question, Wendy.
This is one of those ones that I know that a lot of people are with you.
So I think knowing you're not alone is at least for me.
It's a, it's very helpful.
So thank you for your question and good luck out there.
Thank you, Wendy.
All right.
We will be right back.
Hello.
My name is Mass and I'm from the UK.
For 20 years, I decided to leave my job on my own terms and it's a decision I don't regret.
Now that I have more time on my hands, I want to think about how do I embark on the next
phase of my life?
I have a semi-blank slate and I want to know what I should do or start thinking about before
my time is sucked up by kids, family and chores.
Thank you.
I absolutely love this question because it's equal parts exciting and equal parts fear
of like, I'm in this precipice and what's next and then, oh my god, it's going to go away
so fast.
And I know that that is, that this question is like 30 seconds explaining transitions and
how hard they are.
So Mass, thank you for this question.
So very similarly to what we've been talking about with the other questions, the thing
that pops up immediately for me is, why, Mass?
Right.
So, Mass, 20 years working, you decided to leave.
Why?
What were your intentions for leaving?
And so a first step is maybe sitting down with your journal on a piece of paper and writing
down the specific reasons why you decided to make this huge transition, this huge jump.
And we, and you know, not from a place of fear, not from a place of happiness, really like
we were speaking of, a place of curiosity.
No judgment, just being very gentle and kind and curious with whatever you're writing
down, I decided to leave because this, that in the other, taking that judgment out can
create that clarity.
And it's that clarity that can give you that perspective as to what your next step is
going to be Mass.
It's so interesting.
I mean, this, this like course one time and they had to start every morning journaling.
And the prompt was to journal everything that is in your life right now, like the way
it is, how it is, like what the setup is.
And then to journal everything that you want to be, like everything that you, but where
you'd like to see yourself, where you are.
And then we did a meditation to sit with the incongruities of those two spaces.
To judge them, but to use the differences between those two places as fuel for where you
want to go, to let those two things sit and to hold them both at the same time.
And I think that's such an interesting exercise to kind of just really look at like if all
things were possible, if all things were available, like what would I want?
And that to me is like letting yourself be free to just be like, geez, if money wasn't
an issue, if there were no obstacles, what would I want?
Like I love prompts like that because they really helped me start to see what my next
move could be.
Yeah.
I think that's a really good point just like providing yourself that freedom in that space.
And I think what I would suggest or, I don't know, I guess just like propose is the idea
of allowing yourself to like physically explore and sit with your feelings.
I think a lot of times we can get really cerebral and really get in our minds, but not always
in our bodies, right?
So now you're in this new chapter of your life and you're trying to figure out what's
next for you.
The best way to live is to do it and see how you feel when you're doing it.
So if you have a thought to example, I've always thought about taking care of you.
And drumming lessons, how do you feel when you're playing the drums?
Does it feel gratifying?
Does it feel like you have a future and you want to go and play in concerts and that kind
of thing?
And really just getting out of your mind so much and into your body, starting to explore
and going sometimes as we do have to regulate our feelings, just like you regulate our minds.
But what feels right for you as you move forward in this next chapter, what things do you
want more of, what things do you want less of?
Because I know she mentioned also like the possibility of you know kids and some of these
bigger responsibilities, but really sitting with yourself, how do you feel and what invigorates
you?
You know what's funny, Corey, is as you were talking, I was like, I was thinking like
we're talking about exercises that we do alone, there's also a whole path of having a
coach and your coach at headspace.
So reaching out and having whether it be a friend or a coach like yourself at headspace,
like how would you work with someone who came to you to help them sort through that?
As a coach here at headspace, if a member were to approach me with a similar question
and exercise that I would lean into is what I think we call the miracle question.
So if you were to wake up tomorrow and everything in your life would be exactly how you wanted
to be, what would your life look like?
What would it feel like to live that life?
To wake up every morning knowing that this is the life that you want and these are the
things that bring you joy and happiness and really mapping out what that looks like.
And that really is going to end up being sitting down and really getting a better understanding
of self, but also going out into the world and learning more about yourself in the process
of it all.
So being intentional about leaning into more of the things that you want more out of life
and leaning out of the things that are kind of distracting you from that or taking you
away from what you want.
And for Matt, as it sounds like she's done that, she made the decision to leave.
You know, the job of 20 years in search or pursuit of something else and she is figuring
out what that is.
So for Matt, if you were to sit down and ask yourself that question, you know, and it may
not be an easy question for some people, it might be how wake up tomorrow and I have a
million dollars in the bank and I am doing x, y, and z.
But it sounds like you are starting to get some kind of clarity on what it may look like,
but really, really leaning forward in that thought process.
I love that.
That's a great prompt, but I also love like how in your answer, you're also illuminating
how it is beneficial to sometimes go on the journey with another person, whether it be
a coach or like I am a big fan of accountability partners.
So I have a couple of people throughout my life that help me when I'm in an exploration
phase.
Just sometimes the presence of another person, like a weekly coffee with one of your friends
who is in the same place as you are at to talk about, you know, like, well, what did you
do this week toward trying to find your next phase?
Well, what did you do?
Like just having another person who is on that journey with you, whether it be a coach
or a friend, I think can be really helpful.
It's so pertinent, even if you haven't left a 20 year job.
Yeah.
I think we all want some clarity on our next step, right?
Our next move.
I really just speak for me, the power of meditation and having that consistent meditation
practice because it builds that awareness because as you do get this clarity and you decide
what's the direction that you want to go or what your intention is for your life, the
universe will conspire with you and for you, but it's your job to be aware of the
signs.
Yeah.
I think we talked about this in the Pao O'Cuello alchemist.
And then in that book, he talks about just being aware of the signs that the universe
sends you away.
But if you're not in a space of awareness and clarity, then those signs are going to
just pass right by you.
However, the beautiful thing is the universe doesn't stop sending you these signs.
Yeah.
And always there is just our job to build that awareness so we can recognize them.
But I think what's really wonderful about Maz asking this question is she knows that she
needed to reach out to someone in order to help her start on this journey.
And I think it's something that has been peppered throughout the answer to this question.
Community is really important.
Like I don't think there's a single thing that I've accomplished that I've ever done
solely and completely on my own.
And so looking for all the people in your life who can help support you find that next
phase.
And you dialed into this community, Maz, to help you start.
And I think that's a great first step.
And not to be negative, Robin.
Not to be negative.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
And also recognizing those people that will hold you back.
And being brave enough to let them go to go.
That comes with clarity also in awareness, you know.
Such a good point.
Well, good luck. And if ever there was an ending where we said keep us posted, Maz, keep
us posted.
I'd love to hear all the things that you get up to because I'm sure they're going to
be amazing.
Yeah, thanks for the question, Maz.
I was very excited.
All right.
Well, I mean, you two, I just have to say that was absolutely fantastic.
And right now, if anyone wanted to compliment me, I would accept it fully and completely.
Anyone?
Robin, great job.
Wonderful.
Oh.
You're wonderful.
You guys, thank you.
But I love it.
I love today's, um, today's questions.
They, they, they really resonate with, with the life's journey, right?
The journey that we're all on.
And if I may suggest a couple of, um, course, you know, meditations in the, in the
head space app, the first one is like boosting your stuff is staying.
Um, that one is about yours truly.
And I think it really is helpful, um, as you go through this life journey to keep that
confidence, keep that self confidence at, at a, at an optimal level.
And then what I offer you also in the app is literally searching intention, setting
intentions.
I believe there's a video on setting intentions, do some meditations on setting intentions
in the app.
And, um, that's really what it's about.
It's really about setting that intention for what you want, why you want it, and what
happy.
I'm going to bookmark them now.
Um, but not before I say thank you to today's callers, Martha, Wendy, Maz, we just, we
really appreciate your questions and being a part of our community.
And if you happen to be at home and you're, I don't know, on your commute and you're
listening or you're, you know, you're just thinking like, oh, I'd like some wisdom from
these amazing and insightful folks.
Well, all you have to do is head over to say hi dot chat slash to your head space to record
your question.
And of course, that link is in the show notes.
If we use your question in the show, you're going to get three months of head space for
free.
And I think that's a pretty darn good deal.
I concur.
Yeah, we love to hear from you really would.
And one last thing before we close out for everyone listening, we've built in a moment,
as always, just a moment or two to transition from this moment to the next.
This is some time for you to reflect on what you just experienced or what you just heard
and just to allow your mind to settle in.
So for today, we have the ambient sounds of cicadas on the lake in Wyoming.
Just allow your mind to listen and do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy.
Stay healthy and be kind to each other.
Bye.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Celser, Sarah Cohn, Baron Farmer and Danny Christamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kessanga Gaskoambe, Dorah Kamau, Samantha
Snowden, Eve Lewis Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post production is by Dan Pearl, Music is by Scott Sorenson and Chris Marguilla and a
special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
