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Hey, everybody.
It's Robin here, and I am so excited to be sitting here with you for another Dear Headspace.
Today, I am with my pal, Kay Sunga, and we are joined by a new pal, Corey.
He's one of the staff coaches here at Headspace, and you know what I say the more people, the more advice, the better.
So welcome, Corey.
And oh hey, by the way, more advice is good, because today we have questions about when you have trouble taking compliments, how to put intention into practice in your life.
And we also have a question about how to think about that next phase in your life after you leave a job.
So let's get right to it.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
All right, Kes and Corey in the house.
Was that too much?
It was too, I know, I couldn't help it.
It was all the K alliteration.
The sound made me do it.
How are you guys?
Doing well, doing well, Robin.
Always, always looking forward to this opportunity to to sit with you.
And now we have Corey.
I know.
Hi, Corey.
Hi, everyone.
I'm doing well.
I am happy to be here.
I'm happy to be a part of the team and happy to get started.
Does everybody call you Coach Corey?
Like, do you have t-shirts that say Coach Corey?
If you don't, we should get you one.
The moment you said it, I said, maybe I should.
Maybe I should brand that.
Make some extra money.
Sparkling letters.
A whole thing is coming.
All right, you two, are you ready for some questions?
Because we are going to kick it off with Martha, who has trouble taking compliments.
You ready?
Sounds interesting.
Let's get into it.
Okay.
Hello, dear Headspace.
My name is Martha and I live in London.
I recently started realizing that I have a problem with taking positive feedback and compliments and not twisting it upside down and making it into something that's negative.
I realised that somebody compliments my work and says, well done, and I'll be like, is it well done?
Why is it not great?
Why is it not amazing?
And so I was wondering if you've got any advice on how not to spiral in those negative thoughts when somebody says something positive about you, if that makes sense.
Oh, Martha, it does make sense.
It makes a lot of sense, right?
I mean, I love this because I know that that's something that I usually just try to turn it back around to the other person.
I'm like, no, no, but let's talk about what great things you've been doing.
So we all have a million different ways to not take a compliment.
So let's start on taking compliments.
How are we doing this, you guys?
So, you know, when I first heard you say, Martha, is that this is a problem I have.
And so what I offer you is perhaps shifting your perspective, this idea of this behavior pattern of yours being a problem.
Whenever you come at something labeling it right off top as a problem, then you're in that space of judgment.
Once you're judging yourself, then it becomes a stressful situation or, as you said Martha, you get into this spiral.
I think that's the word you use.
That idea of it being a problem and you judging yourself there's nothing wrong with what you're doing.
It's just something that you are aware of.
You're aware that this is a behavior pattern that I have.
I'm having some difficulty taking a compliment and not turning it around.
And now how do I shift out of it?
So the first step?
Well, the first step is awareness, which I totally hear that you're aware of, Martha.
And then what I offer you is moving forward, shifting your perspective of this behavior pattern that you think.
Isn't that to a certain extent semantics?
She's ultimately saying, I don't like that I do this.
So even if you take the judgment out, it still leaves her feeling away.
Sure.
And there's nothing wrong with feeling away.
Right, right.
There's nothing wrong with feeling a certain way.
What my suggestion is, is how are you framing it?
How are you framing it?
Because you can approach a behavior pattern that you notice in yourself.
You can call it a problem, which is going to create a whole slew of more, I always label it.
Like then you're going to feel bad about yourself, like all those things.
Like it's the road, hop, skip and a jump to a Snickers bar for me.
Right.
Versus this is a behavior pattern that I noticed that I want to change.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So that concept of non-judging is so, so very important.
I think that's a really good point as far as like the self-awareness.
I think what came up for me was the idea of an attachment to it at all.
And when I say attachment, as someone who has similarly struggled with accepting compliments or learning how to feel about compliments, I think the question in my mind then becomes why do we have to have an attachment to it at all?
If it's a perceived compliment or a perceived insult, I guess in some kind of ways, or you know, if there's like a deeper meaning to it, why do we have to form an attachment to it at all?
Why can't it just be?
Yeah.
Which is something that I think really can maybe catch some people off guard, or or it can take some time to really develop like what does that mean for you?
But instead of And this is something that I work with in my own personal life instead of just letting it kind of pass,
Just how we teach as far as like mindfulness and you know, kind of being the seer of our thoughts, but we are not our thoughts.
I think the same principle could apply when we are interacting with other people, taking the experience or whatever is said at face value and letting it pass and not forming an attachment to it one way or another.
So let's take what you're saying here, right?
And let's take what Martha said.
So Martha said, someone might said, you did a good job.
And then she's like, well, why didn't I take a great job?
Why didn't I?
Like her mind automatically went to that next thing.
Is it like a mindfulness approach where you just let that thought come and let that thought go?
Or from like, because I'm thinking of like therapy.
Is there a cycle to be broken of accepting the compliment and leaning into?
I did do a good job.
I think yes and yes.
Both of those scenarios that you just described can coexist.
So you receive the compliment and, oh, that's a compliment.
Someone says, well done.
I think that's what she said.
Well done, Martha.
Oh, thank you.
And boom, they gave me a compliment.
Thank you.
And I keep it moving.
Right now.
If you now on the flip side, what you said about therapy.
I'm so glad you mentioned that Robin, because if you notice that you do have this behavior pattern of internalizing compliments and insults,
Either one or both.
And you want to investigate, okay, I'm noticing this behavior pattern.
Why is this present?
And so, you know, we're all proponents for therapy.
Let me go to a therapist.
And that's where you can process this behavior pattern.
If you want to dig into why do I behave like this?
Like my mom always told me I wasn't good enough.
Right, right.
Exactly.
Getting into the familial patterns of it.
Exactly.
And the two complement each other.
So that butting heads, no, I think they complement each other.
Yeah, and it sounds like a discovery tool to help you start to maybe dig as to why you.
It doesn't come naturally because it's like like I don't love a compliment, but I couldn't tell you why that is.
I mean, I think that in my head there's an idea that it's like arrogant, or it's like I have a hundred percent have a judgment attached to it.
And I just and I spend time just trying to get off it as quickly as possible.
So I've tried to practice just saying thank you.
But it is very hard.
Like this is.
This is one of the reasons I love this question is it seems like such a seems like such a simple thing.
But I find it to be incredibly difficult.
And I don't I think a lot of people do.
Well, I'm glad you said that Robin, because it kind of brings me to the last point I wanted to make, where all of this that we say seems easier said than done, then done, which always brings me full circle back around to my idea and my emphasis on consistent practice, and consistent practice being gentle and compassionate with yourself.
Amazing.
Well, Martha, let me offer you the very first opportunity to practice.
Thank you for your question.
It was great that you gave it to us and you're doing really good job, Martha.
You're doing great.
Love it.
Now, just in your head, I hope you just said thank you and don't say anything else.
I keep it moving.
All right.
Let's move on to our next question from Wendy.
Here we go.
Hi, my name is Wendy.
I'm calling from France and I've been thinking a lot about.
I've been practicing yoga since the start of the pandemic and also a bit of meditation.
These have really helped me with moving past the trauma that so many women carry with them from their pasts.
But I'm curious about the notion of intention.
I don't know much about it.
And I'm one of those people who can get stuck in a spiral of her own thoughts and go into a rabbit hole.
And I feel like the practice of intention could somehow help me to interrupt that spiral.
But I'm not sure how to do that.
So could you please talk a bit about the practice of intention?
Because I'd really love to start practicing it.
Thanks so much.
I really appreciate all the work that you do.
Oh, thank you, Wendy.
What's interesting is there feels like a real connection between this question and our first question in terms of that spiraling thinking.
But I like the driving into intention as well.
So talk to me, guys.
Talk to me.
So just a question about intention.
Obviously, intention goes hand in hand with mindfulness and meditation and the practice.
It's all about that deliberate direction of your attention, the deliberate direction of your actions.
And it's usually for a specific goal or a specific purpose.
So that's what intention is all about, just sending out that deliberate direction.
But what you want your intention to be aligned with is your values, right?
Your values and what is important to you.
So your question ultimately was, how do you practice this idea of intention?
The first step, what I invite you to do.
I don't know if you journal, but maybe jotting down your values.
What in your life is important to you good health, money or family and being as specific as possible.
Therefore, you have some clarity.
You can create some clarity and awareness when it comes to setting your intentions and keeping in mind that your intentions, just like life, is going to change moment by moment.
It's not an idea of setting an intention and then everything is, everything is fine.
So when I think about intention, what I find hopeful is being really intentional with um, it's hard to answer this without saying being being really intentional with changing our internal logic, right.
What messages have we digested?
And then what are we repeating to ourselves over and over again as we work to step into um, our power, or just, you know, these things that, like Kazanga said, as far as like our values and our goals, as we work to focus on these things, what can be helpful is really changing the dialogue or the monologue that we're having with ourselves throughout each and every day.
Some people find, you know, positive affirmations helpful.
Um, I personally find them helpful, just like these little um tidbits that helped me throughout the day, like i am enough, you know, if i do nothing more or less, i am enough as i am um, but just really changing the monologue that we're having with ourselves as we try to take these new steps because, over time, the more that you change the conversation inside, the more that you can change what's going on on the outside.
Yeah, so that's just something that i constantly, you know, repeat to myself from time to time.
I love that, Corey.
I love that.
And just to piggyback on that, I would invite, with the practice and this is just getting a little, I don't know if mystical is the word, but keeping I find that keeping it all positive, you know, keeping the language that you use positive, right.
Well, you said, Corey, I am enough, right?
Keeping it all positive versus keeping Right.
I won't overeat.
Right.
Because the universe doesn't decipher positive from negative.
It hears what you say.
So if you, if you say something negative, even if I won't do, I won't overeat, I won't do this or that versus I will do the positive, whatever that positive action is.
Right.
So, yeah, just just keeping it.
Ultra, ultra positive.
It takes the negative out of the conversation entirely, which I think is really interesting.
Absolutely.
And you'll feel that shift in energy.
And that inverse.
I often like when I talk to people and they'll say like, I don't want my year to be like last year.
And I'm always like, OK, what what was last year that you didn't like?
Well, I was I was tired.
I overscheduled.
I didn't complete.
And I'm like, OK, so what would the opposite look like?
Well, I will have finished the book that I was working on.
I will have gone on two vacations.
And I think that correlates to your universe thing, Keisunga.
Like, how does the universe know what to give you if you aren't specific?
And so that specificity and oftentimes we don't even know.
Like, I think, all the time since you said it in that last episode, about you doing like a little prayer thing, like a moment before you get into the car, of saying what you want the trip to be like to try to help with road rage, because we both acknowledge that we suffer a little from the road rage.
We're New Yorkers.
What are you going to do?
What do you want from us?
We're doing the best we can.
All right?
All right?
All right?
And it's like and I've been thinking about that so much about like me being like I don't want to be mad in this car ride.
Well, what would that even look like?
How like I want to arrive at my destination on time.
Feeling peaceful.
Yeah.
So it's all about practice.
Yeah.
It really comes back around to that practice.
Yeah.
I think it's.
I think it's also, I think sometimes with intention, a lot of us keep it purely in, like the mental space, and you know which is definitely part of it.
But also, as we do set our intentions, we also have to make sure that our actions are matching what we are saying, that we want, what we value.
So if we are saying that I have a goal or I have an intention to be more financially responsible so that I can buy a home at the end of the year, you know then,
Step one might be, Corey, don't order Uber Eats as much as you have been.
I'm laughing because I was picturing you charging something on Amazon for yourself, as you were like, I'm going to be fiscally responsible this year right after I buy this new duvet cover.
But I think it's a fair point.
As we do set these intentions yes, we can, you know, move with our energies and, you know, definitely get in the cosmic or, you know, mental space, you know but also making sure that our actions are aligning the community that we have around us, are aligning with what we are saying that we want in this life, whether it be from day to day, month to month, year to year, you know, whatever that looks like for you and being really again, intentional about doing so.
Yeah, and something that you hear us say a lot is lean on your intention.
Lean on your intention.
So if you notice, like Corey was saying, that your actions aren't aligned with what you want, then revisit.
Revisit that intention that you set.
Revisit and rinse and repeat.
And also being gentle with yourself and compassionate with yourself, because if you bring that judgment in, as we spoke about last question, It's not going to really be productive.
Certainly not helpful.
That's for sure.
Doesn't stop us from doing it, but it's not helpful.
It can almost feel instinctive to start with the self-judgment.
Yeah, I would almost take the word almost out of that sentence.
But this is also a life journey, right?
This is a life journey.
So be patient with yourself also.
I'm thinking about the mindfulness concept of patience.
Well, thank you so much for your question, Wendy.
This is one of those ones that I know that a lot of people are with you.
So I think knowing you're not alone is, at least for me, it's very helpful.
So thank you for your question and good luck out there.
Thank you, Wendy.
All right.
We will be right back.
Hello, my name is Maz and I'm from the UK.
After 20 years, I decided to leave my job on my own terms and it's a decision I don't regret.
Now that I have more time on my hands, I want to think about how do I embark on the next phase of my life.
I have a semi blank slate and I want to know what I should do or start thinking about before my time is sucked up by kids, family and chores.
Thank you.
I absolutely love this question because it's equal parts exciting and equal parts fear of like I'm in this precipice and what's next?
And then, oh my God, it's going to go away so fast.
And I know that this question is like 30 seconds explaining transitions and how hard they are.
So Maz, thank you for this question.
Very similarly to what we've been talking about with the other questions.
The thing that pops up immediately for me is why Maz?
Right?
So Maz, 20 years working, you decided to leave.
Why?
What were your intentions for leaving?
And so a first step is leaving, maybe sitting down with your journal or a piece of paper and writing down the specific reasons why you decided to make this huge transition, this huge jump.
And not from a place of fear, not from a place of happiness, really like we were speaking of a place of curiosity.
No judgment, just being very gentle and kind and curious about With whatever you're writing down.
I decided to leave because this, that and the other.
Taking that judgment out can create that clarity.
And it's that clarity that can give you that perspective as to what your next step is going to be Madison.
It's so interesting.
I did this this like course one time and they had to start every morning journaling.
And the prompt was to journal everything that is in your life right now, like the way it is, how it is, like what the setup is, and then to journal everything that you want to be.
Like everything that you where you'd like to see yourself where you are.
And then we did a meditation to sit with the incongruities of those two spaces, not to judge them, but to use the differences between those two places as fuel for where you want to go, to let those two things sit and to hold them both at the same time.
And I think that's such an interesting exercise to kind of just really look at like if all things were possible, if all things were available, like what would I want?
And that, to me, is like letting yourself be free to just be like geez.
If money was an issue, if there were no obstacles, what would I want?
Like I love prompts like that because they really help me start to see what my next move could be.
I think that's a really good point, just like providing yourself that freedom and that space.
And I think what I would suggest or I don't know, I guess just like propose is The idea of allowing yourself to like physically explore and sit with your feelings.
I think a lot of times we can get really cerebral and really get in our minds, but not always in our bodies.
Right.
So now, now you're in this new chapter of your life and you're trying to figure out what's next for you.
Hmm. the best way to live is to do it and see how you feel when you're doing it.
So if you have a thought to example, I've always thought about taking drumming lessons.
How do you feel when you're playing the drums?
Does it feel gratifying?
Does it feel like you have a future and you want to go and play in concerts and that kind of thing?
And really just getting out of your mind so much and into your body, starting to explore and going sometimes, as we do have to regulate our feelings, just like we regulate our minds.
But what feels right for you as you move forward in this next chapter?
What things do you want more of?
What things do you want less of?
Because I know she mentioned also the possibility of kids and some of these bigger responsibilities.
But really sitting with yourself, how do you feel and what invigorates you?
You know what's funny, Corey is, As you were talking, I was like I was thinking like we're talking about exercises that we do alone.
There's also a whole path of having a coach and you're a coach at Headspace.
So reaching out and having whether it be a friend or a coach like yourself, at Headspace, like how would you work with someone who came to you to help them sort through that?
As a coach here at Headspace.
If a member were to approach me with a similar question, an exercise that I would lean into is what I think we call the miracle question.
So if you were to wake up tomorrow and everything in your life would be exactly how you want it to be, what would your life look like?
What would it feel like to live that life?
To wake up every morning knowing that this is the life that you want and these are the things that bring you joy and happiness, and really mapping out what that looks like?
And that really is going to end up being, you know, sitting down and really getting a better understanding of self, but also going out into the world and learning more about yourself in the process of it all.
So being intentional about leaning into more of the things that you want more of out of life and leaning out of the things that are kind of distracting you from that or taking you away from what you want.
And, you know, for Maz, it sounds like she's done that.
You know she made the decision to leave.
You know the job of 20 years in search or pursuit of something else.
And she is figuring out what that is.
Yeah.
So for Maz, if you were to sit down and ask yourself that question, you know, and it may not be an easy question for some people that might be I wake up tomorrow and I have a million dollars in the bank and I am, you know, doing X, Y and Z.
But um, it sounds like you know you are starting to get some kind of clarity on what it may look like, but really really leaning forward in that thought process.
I love that.
That's a great prompt, but I also love like how, in your answer, you're also illuminating how it is beneficial to sometimes go on the journey with another person, whether it be a coach or, like I am a big fan of accountability partners.
So I have a couple of people throughout my life that help me when I'm in an exploration phase.
Just sometimes the presence of another person, like a weekly coffee with one of your friends who's in the same place as you're at to talk about, You know like.
Well, what did you do this week toward trying to find your next phase?
Well, what did you do?
Like just having another person who's on that journey with you, whether it be a coach or a friend, I think can be really helpful.
It's so pertinent, even if you haven't left a 20 year job.
Yeah.
I think we all want some clarity on our next step.
Right.
Yeah.
Our next move.
You know, that really just speaks to for me the power of meditation and having that consistent meditation practice, because it builds that awareness.
Because as you do get this clarity and you decide what's the direction that you want to go or what your intention is for your life, the universe will conspire with you and for you.
But it's your job to be aware of the signs.
Yeah.
Kind of reminds me of that book.
I think we talked about this by Paolo Coelho, The Alchemist.
And in that book, he talks about just being aware of the signs that the universe sends your way.
But if you're not in a space of awareness and clarity, then those signs are going to just pass right by you.
However, the beautiful thing is, The universe doesn't stop sending you these signs.
So they're always there.
It's just our job to build that awareness so we can recognize them.
But I think what's really wonderful about Maz asking this question is she knows that she needed to reach out to someone in order to help her start on this journey.
And I think it's something that has been peppered throughout the answer to this question.
Community is really important.
Like I don't think there's a single thing that I've accomplished that I've ever done solely and completely on my own.
And so looking for all the people in your life who can help support you find that next phase.
And you dialed into this community, Maz, to help you start.
And I think that's a great first step.
Not to be negative, Robin.
Not to be negative.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
And also recognizing those people that will hold you back yeah, and being brave enough to let them go too, because that comes with clarity also, and awareness.
You know such a good point.
Well, good luck.
And if ever there was an ending where we said keep us posted maz, keep us posted.
I'd love to hear all the things that you get up to, because i'm sure they're going to be amazing.
Yeah, thanks for the question, man.
It's very exciting, All right.
Well, I mean, you two, I just have to say that was absolutely fantastic.
And right now, if anyone wanted to compliment me, I would accept it fully and completely.
Anyone?
Robin, great job.
Great job, Robin.
You're wonderful, Robin.
You guys, thank you.
But I love today's questions.
They really resonate with the life's journey, right?
The journey that we're all on.
And if I may suggest a couple of courses, meditations in the Headspace app.
The first one is like boosting your self-esteem.
That one is by yours truly.
And I think it really is helpful, as you go through this life journey, to keep that confidence, to keep that self-confidence at an optimal level.
And then what I offer you also in the app is literally searching intention, setting intentions.
I believe there's a video on setting intentions.
There's some meditations on setting intentions in the app.
And that's really what it's about.
It's really about setting that intention for what you want, why you want it, and what happened.
I'm going to bookmark them now.
But not before I say thank you to today's callers, Martha, Wendy, Maz.
We just, we really appreciate your questions and being a part of our community.
And if you happen to be at home and you're I don't know on your commute and you're listening or you're you know, you're just thinking like oh, I'd like some wisdom from these amazing and insightful folks.
Well, all you have to do is head over to sayhi.chat slash deerheadspace to record your question.
And of course that link is in the show notes.
If we use your question in the show, you're going to get three months of Headspace for free.
And I think that's a pretty darn good deal.
I concur.
Yeah, we'd love to hear from you.
Really would.
And one last thing before we close out.
For everyone listening.
We've built in a moment, as always, just a moment or two to transition from this moment to the next.
This is some time for you to reflect on what you just experienced, on what you just heard, and just to allow your mind to settle in.
So for today, we have the ambient sounds of cicadas on the lake in Wyoming.
Just allow your mind to listen and do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy, and be kind to each other.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorensen.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohn, Barron Farmer, and Danny Christomy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings-Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kisanga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, Eve-Louise Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post-production is by Dan Kroll.
Music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Mergia.
And a special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
