Hello and welcome to or welcome back to Trying Not To Care.
If you're new here, my name's Ashley and I upload every single Monday and I'm just so happy to have you.
Now that we're in the thick of the holiday season, I want to talk about social anxiety during the holidays because I'm someone who definitely has struggled with this.
I still kind of struggle with this and I know so many of you also struggle with this.
The month of December can be so overwhelming and be so overstimulating.
There's so much going on and it can be someone who has social anxieties worst nightmare.
So in this episode I want to give you a guide on how to survive the holiday season without We're going to talk about going back to your hometown and socializing with people that you haven't seen in a couple years, overcoming the fear of small talk, how to avoid and redirect conversations about your body and food, and how to ground yourself in overstimulating settings like parties and holiday shopping at the mall.
But before we get into today's episode, I just want to let you know that I'm doing Vlogmas on my TikTok.
So if you're into vlogs or you just want to see the behind the scenes of the podcast or my life, My TikTok and my Instagram are linked in the show notes.
But let's get into today's episode.
I currently live in, well, next to my hometown.
I ended up buying a house that's practically in my hometown.
It's like on the line.
It's on the cusp between the town I live in now and then the town I used to live in.
And I feel like we hear so many people say, you need to get out of your hometown.
Life is so much bigger than your hometown.
And I mean, I do agree with that.
I think that when you first grow up in your hometown, it's like a fishbowl.
You don't know anything other than that.
And it's important that you get out and explore and you find what's good for you.
But the thing is, I did that.
And I know what it was like to live here when I grew up here, when I first lived here.
I know what it was like to move away and live outside of my hometown.
And I also know what it's like to be back and to be around family.
And i clearly made the decision to come back and i'm happy with where i'm at now.
When i first moved away and i went away for college i my freshman year i went to keene state in new hampshire and i'm from connecticut, so it was a couple hours away, definitely different.
And then My sophomore to senior year, I transferred to UConn, which is in Connecticut.
So not a far drive from my hometown, about an hour, maybe a little over an hour.
But even being an hour away from my hometown, I did still have that anxiety people talk about when coming home for the holidays.
Because, although I wasn't so far away, it wasn't like I moved to California.
It was still nerve wracking to come home and be around people that I hadn't seen in a couple years.
When you move away from your hometown and you're on your own, you're finally able to spend time away from people that you spent your entire life around.
You're away from your old friends.
You're away from your ex-boyfriends.
You're away from high school bullies.
And during that time, you feel a sense of relief.
You finally get to be who you want to be and start fresh.
And you get to separate yourself from that reputation you had or the box people put you in.
Or you're just away from toxic people that you no longer want to associate with.
So when it comes to being home for the holidays, revisiting your hometown, there is a lot of anxiety, knowing that you're probably going to run into these people that you finally felt good being away from, whether that's running into them at the grocery store or running into them at the bar or Christmas Eve.
I think, especially going out to the bar the night before a big holiday like Christmas, there is a mixture of emotions where you're You're excited to go out because you're finally at an age where you can drink and have fun and go to these bars that you grew up wanting to go to.
But then there's also the side of your brain where it's like well, we're going to see people that we've hooked up with and that we've dated, and people that we're no longer friends with and people who hate our guts.
And it's this big melting pot of people that don't really enjoy each other's presence, but they're all there because this is the place to be right now.
There's nothing to be afraid of when it comes to revisiting your hometown for the holidays or hanging around areas like your hometown bar.
It's not like you're afraid of your high school bully beating you up.
It's more so this uncomfortable feeling of being around people that you personally outgrew, or being around people that you don't necessarily want to talk to or small talk with or pretend to care about, because you've built your own life away from these people, and it just feels weird to be thrown back into this situation and this place that you worked so hard to get out of.
There is a weird identity shift that happens when you revisit your hometown because, like I said, you've built an entirely new life outside of it, outside of these people.
You've made new friends, you've experimented in new relationships, you might have gotten into a new career and you've just grown into an entirely new individual.
So to be thrown back into a place that reminds you of who you used to be, and to be around people who make you feel small and make you feel stupid and make you feel like you're unworthy is is really uncomfortable.
You've worked so hard to rebuild yourself and become the person that you want to be, and then you're back at the place where you grew up and you're like I kind of feel like how I used to feel, and I don't really like this feeling.
You've made a life for yourself larger than what it was when you first lived in your hometown.
These people that you grew up with relationships that didn't work out, friendships that erupted.
They don't know the new you and you don't know them.
So it's scary thinking that you may run into someone that you once knew, but you don't anymore.
It's like meeting someone all over again, except you already know them and you know that you don't want to rekindle things with them.
You don't want to reconnect with them.
The thing that you need to remember is that you already know these people.
You've already met these people.
You know how you feel about these people.
There's no reason to try to impress them or try to reconnect with them if you don't want to.
There's no reason to allow them to ruin your night.
If there's someone that you don't want to talk to, like an ex or your high school bully, they're not entitled to your time.
You don't need to give them a response.
If they're trying to talk to you when you're in high school or you're in your hometown, you just feel like this is what the world is.
This is all i know.
But a few years out, when you get to experience more than that, you realize that that time of your life was so small and there's so many more people out there.
There's so many more things to experience.
You know what life was like around these people and you know what life is like without them.
And if you're better off without them, leave it that way.
When I was in high school, there was this group of girls who would not leave me alone The second that I stepped foot into middle school.
They just hated me.
They were out to get me.
And there were two girls in particular that would take things way too far.
They would get physical.
They would push me into lockers.
They would try to push me down the stairs.
And when I would see them in high school, you know, walking down the hallway at a football game, even at the store.
I tried so hard to avoid them because it gave me so much anxiety.
I was like, what are they going to do?
Are they going to push me?
Are they going to spit on me?
Are they going to call me a bad name?
Because if they did any of that, it affected me so much.
But now, as an adult, and even when I was in college, if I were to see those girls out, I wouldn't allow them to affect me the way they once did.
I wouldn't try to avoid them.
I wouldn't even give them the time of day.
But the reason I'm able to say that I'm not going to give them the time of day is because I'm just not interested.
They're not on my radar anymore.
And that is so freeing to be able to say and do, to be able to look at the people from your past and realize that they don't have a hold over you the way they once did.
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You might see your ex out and for a second you're like, oh my God, that's my ex.
My ex is here.
But it is so freeing to be like, wait a minute, my ex is here and I don't have to worry about him.
My ex is here and I don't have to talk to him.
My ex is here and I could do whatever I want and it's none of his business.
Keep that in mind when you're going out this holiday season.
These people who once knew you do not know you anymore and you get to decide whether or not they get to know you.
So if you don't want to talk to them, if you don't want to be around them, you don't have to.
But let's say that you do run into someone that you used to be friends with or used to date, and you know for a fact that you are not going to be able to just turn the other cheek and walk away and not engage with them.
And you're going to find yourself in this weird small talk catch up situation with someone that you don't want to be in a conversation in.
How do you navigate that?
Small talk is uncomfortable for probably everyone, even with people that you do like.
It is just a little more intimidating when it's someone that you have history with or you would just rather not be talking to.
The reason why people are uncomfortable with small talk or they have a lot of anxiety around having small talk is because it seems like an easy thing to do, something that everyone should just be good at.
So when you do have social anxiety or you're a little awkward and you stumble over your words or you don't know what to say, or you don't know how to end a conversation, you start worrying that the other person's going to think you're dumb or that you're uninteresting.
It's also difficult because with small talk, you never really know where the conversation's going to go.
You don't get to prep for that conversation.
You have no idea what they're going to ask you or how they're going to react to what you're saying.
So there can be a lot of anxiety around it.
What if I don't live up to their expectations of me?
What if I don't know what to say?
What if I don't know how to answer their questions?
What if they just don't like my personality?
And then, in the moment when you're so aware of how you're responding to things and you're so aware of how this person might perceive you, you have to put so much energy into trying to hold the conversation.
You're trying to read this person's body language and their tone and you're trying to keep eye contact with them and you're trying to react to what they're saying in a way that's going to be interesting and in a way that's going to please them.
It never feels good to be talking with someone and it feels unnatural.
The conversation falls flat or you just feel some type of tension that you both, kind of, are pretending to care when you don't care and you both don't know what to talk about, and there's this awkward silence.
After that conversation happens, it's like, well, shit, I just messed that up so badly.
They probably think I'm a weirdo.
They probably are going to go talk about me with their friends.
And I blew my chance with them.
Even now, with how much work I've done on myself and I've worked so hard to be a confident person, I still struggle with small talk.
It's something that I still get nervous about and weird about, because I just have social anxiety and that's the way that it is.
But you don't have to let that dictate what you do.
You don't have to not go out because you're afraid of having these conversations.
And you don't have to get so worked up to the point where you're more anxious than you are excited to go out and socialize.
What's really helped me with conversations in general, whether it's hopping on a Zoom call or going on a date with a friend or going out for the night.
And I know there's going to be people there that I have to talk to.
Before I go out and I have those conversations and I see these people.
I've rehearsed what I'm going to say.
Not excessively to the point where I'm freaking myself out, because the reality is, you can play a situation over in your head a million times and it's still probably not going to go the way that you envision it in your head.
But it is still nice to be prepped a little bit, even for a conversation that is so unknown and you have no idea what you're going to talk about.
Before I go out and I mingle, before I go and have a conversation with someone, especially someone that I haven't seen in a long time or I've never even met before.
I think of the typical questions someone may ask you.
For example, how have you been?
What's new?
What have you been up to?
What are you working on?
Those are questions that would give me a lot of anxiety in the moment, even though they seem like such easy questions to answer.
It could be difficult to answer to someone asking you what are you up to?
Because one they're putting you on the spot and you're like you got to think about it.
Two you want to be humble and you don't want to brag about what's going on.
Or three, you might be ashamed that you don't really have anything going on.
You might not be super proud of where you're at or you're not where you'd like to be.
So to avoid that awkward, oh, not much, there's nothing really going on with me.
I like to come up with very broad answers or just things that I can name off the top of my head, certain things that I'm working on, things that I'm proud of right now, things that I could talk about for hours because I just love them so much.
I also like to store in my brain safe topics that I can talk about that don't feel forced.
So if a conversation does fall flat or the person I'm talking to stops talking and there's this awkward silence, I can bring up one of those topics in an organic way to continue the conversation or even to phase out the conversation.
Ending conversations can also be very difficult, especially if you're talking to someone that you don't necessarily want to be talking to.
It seems awkward to just end a conversation abruptly or just to walk away or be like okay bye, because it seems rude.
And this is something that I've struggled with.
But something that I do now is I always end the conversation with some type of compliment or appreciation for the person.
For example, thank you so much for coming over and talking to me.
It was so nice to see you, you know, even if it wasn't so nice to see them.
It was so good to catch up with you.
Or, depending on what you're talking about with that person, you can connect what they've been saying in some way.
Like if you were talking about their job you can end with.
I hope everything goes smoothly at the job for you.
We'll catch up soon.
That way you're expressing that you were paying attention in the conversation and you heard them, but also you're ready to step away and go off and do what you need to do.
When in doubt, when you want to end a conversation, compliment them and appreciate them and kindly say goodbye to them.
One thing that I think we can all agree on when it comes to going home for the holidays, we don't want to talk about our bodies.
We don't want to talk about our bodies.
One thing that i've always dreaded when it comes to these holiday family parties i which i love is speaking with older adults.
I feel like the older generation lacks all social cues.
It's like nothing's off the table.
They will just ask you the most rancid questions and not even bat an eye.
It's like they lack all empathy and understanding.
You'll have an aunt that you haven't seen in five, 10 years, blurt out to you you gained so much weight.
What happened?
And they act as if they just asked you what kind of coffee you like and like.
They didn't just ask you such a personal and violating question that no one should feel comfortable asking.
You haven't seen this relative in five years and they're like, oh my God, you look so different.
What happened?
It's like, Aunt Jean, I haven't seen you since I was a preteen and now I'm an adult.
Obviously, I'm going to look different.
And even if I didn't, it's none of your business.
Fuck off.
I also think going back to your hometown and seeing people that you haven't seen in a couple months or a year or a couple years can be difficult when you're struggling with your body image.
It's not even the fear of having a conversation in the way that you would at a family gathering, where someone from high school is going to be like oh my God, you gained weight.
Because again, like I said, I feel like the older generation lacks those social cues.
Whereas although people in their 20s are sometimes ruthless and.
They might snicker with their friends or say it online.
They're less likely to actually say it to your face and point it out.
But there's still that fear of what are people going to think?
What are people going to say?
Not necessarily to me, but to other people about me.
Like the last time they saw me, I was three sizes smaller.
Or the last time I saw my ex, I felt prettier or I felt hotter. are they not going to find me attractive anymore are they going to be grossed out by me it sends you into a spiral and it can be very anxiety inducing it's like leading up to going out you're thinking how can I make myself more appealing how can I make myself hotter I need to go get an entirely new outfit because I don't like how these jeans fit me I don't like how my arms look in this shirt and then when you're out you're just constantly thinking about how do I look how does my body look If this is something that you've struggled with in the past or you're currently struggling with and you're nervous with the holidays coming up, I'm going to give you some of my tips on how to deal with those hard conversations and questions about your body and also how to not be so afraid or anxious about showing up as yourself authentically.
It's kind of like I was talking about when it comes to small talk.
Before I go to have a conversation, I'm always going over possible scenarios in my head, before socializing.
And more than likely, I'm not going to get that scenario right in my head.
It's going to go differently than I rehearsed it beforehand.
But at least I have an idea of how to maneuver around the conversation based on how people speak to me or how people treat me.
Before I go to, let's say, a gathering, a family gathering, where there's going to be food and I know there's going to be possible speculation about my body, how I've gained weight, how I've lost weight, or people are going to possibly make comments about how much I'm eating.
I'm going to first rationalize with myself.
I'm going to remind myself before I go to that.
Regardless of what people say, it doesn't make it the truth.
Just because someone points out that I gained weight and they make it seem like it's the worst thing to ever happen, doesn't mean that it is.
It doesn't mean that I need to change what I look like.
It doesn't mean that I need to eat less.
And I don't need to allow their comments to ruin my entire night.
I always remind myself I can't control other people.
I can't control how they act.
I can't control how they speak.
I can't control how they perceive me.
All I can do is control how I respond whether that's how I'm responding verbally to them or just my emotional response and how I allow their words and their actions to affect me.
I've brought this up in past episodes before because it's a good example.
But there was this one time that I had to go to this event with Josh's family and it was a buffet style dinner situation.
So i went down the line of food, i got my plate, i got all this yummy food.
I got a little bit of everything.
So i sit down and i'm talking to someone at our table and i make a joke about how i love to eat and this is probably going to be my first dinner and i'm going to eat something later And from across the table, someone who wasn't even in the conversation, someone that was just eavesdropping, said to me yeah, we can tell.
Not even to me.
They said it to everyone around the table.
Yeah, we can tell.
At this time and place, I was struggling with my body image and with food again.
So this really struck a nerve.
This really hurt.
And I immediately just got watery eyes.
I got sick to my stomach.
I didn't even want to eat the food that I was just so excited about, because all I could think about was I need to cut back on food because I'm eating too much and it's clearly showing and I need to lose weight.
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All it takes is one interaction like that to put that in your mind and make you anxious about it happening again.
It just takes one interaction to happen.
Where the next event you go to, the next family gathering where there's food, you're like okay, i need to be more aware of what i'm eating and i need to eat less, because clearly people are paying attention to what i'm putting on my plate and i don't want to draw attention to me and i don't want people pointing out that I'm eating a lot.
I don't want people pointing out that I'm eating less.
And I use that example of this person making a comment about how much I eat as a learning lesson for me, because now I can look back at that and analyze the situation and think of how I could have responded or how I could have went about the situation differently.
That was more productive than how I handled it.
I am a very emotional person.
We know this.
You're like, yeah, girl, we know.
So naturally, when someone's insulting me, it hurts, which is valid, okay?
It's valid to be pissed off.
It's valid to be sad if someone's insulting you, okay?
But I'm a crier, so...
It happens.
I don't blame myself for getting upset the way that I did.
But I wish in the moment I got up and went straight to the bathroom and collected myself privately and just reminded myself that someone else's view of me does not need to dictate how I view myself.
And I don't need to allow someone else's bad attitude or their lack of critical thinking skills and social skills to dictate how I go about my life.
I don't need to eat less because someone who I don't even really like or really respect is making a negative comment towards me.
Like who cares?
Who cares that this person thinks this thing about me?
This is someone that I don't even pay attention to.
So why am I getting so worked up right now that they're paying attention to me?
Of course they're paying attention to me because I'm more interesting than them.
They're bored with their life.
They have nothing good going for them.
So naturally, they're going to look at me and pick apart what I'm doing.
And that's not my problem.
Like, I can't control that.
That's their issue, not mine.
I have never met a person who I respected, or that I liked or that I felt inspired by, or that I would want to trade places with, who has felt comfortable commenting on other people's bodies or what they eat.
How someone looks or what someone eats is the least interesting thing about them.
You could comment on a million other things.
Point out a million other things that are less invasive than that.
There's a difference between being concerned for someone's health and then using someone's appearance as a way of gossip and mockery and entertainment.
You know that comment that person made about how much I was eating was wasn't necessary.
It was literally just them thinking it was like this haha, I gotcha moment.
But commenting on someone's appearance or how much they eat is never a funny joke.
It is never funny to joke about someone else that comes at their the expense of their mental health.
If that is your form of entertainment, if you think that's actually funny, you're boring and you're unfunny like, get better material.
But I would say, before you go to any social event, remind yourself of that.
Give yourself a little pep talk.
Remind yourself that the weight of their words doesn't have to be so heavy and you don't need to internalize it or give it more meaning than it actually means.
It is simply projection and it's not yours to carry.
Just like having a prepared list of topics to talk about, I would also have a prepared list of responses or ways to redirect a conversation if someone feels the need to bring up your body, or about food.
My go-to responses typically are I don't think this conversation is productive, so I'm not going to have it.
Or I don't think this is productive.
Let's change the topic.
I'm not going to discuss my body.
Or even if someone brings up food while I'm eating, I'll say something along the lines of yeah, I'm enjoying my meal.
Thanks.
Or yeah, the food's delicious.
Thanks for noticing.
What's important is that you keep it short and almost boring.
You don't want to give them ammunition for them to feel the need to go even harder at you and feel like they have to insult you even more because their egos hurt.
You don't want to get them all riled up and have them insulting your body or what you're eating even more.
It is not up for debate.
You saying like, I'm not discussing this isn't to get them angry or to start this big argument.
This is you setting a boundary and moving on.
Redirecting a conversation is also a really good way to move on from a comment that someone might have made.
I know in the moment emotions are high and you automatically might want to snap at them or defend yourself.
But sometimes it's more productive to act as if you didn't hear what they said and just be like anyways.
What have you been up to lately?
Anyways, how's your relationship been?
I personally like to redirect and turn the spotlight back on them.
So like enough about me.
We're setting a boundary of saying you know, I'm not interested in talking about what's going on with me.
What's going on with you?
If you're unable to do that, if the emotions are just too high or you don't feel comfortable carrying on that conversation, it's A productive thing to do is to just remove yourself from the conversation, remove yourself from the situation.
Like I said, I wish I had just gotten up from that table and immediately went to the bathroom to ground myself and collect my thoughts.
When in doubt, move to another room, go and sit with someone else, particularly someone that you feel safe with and that you know you could either have a better conversation with them or you can vent to them.
When it comes to having anxiety about eating in front of people during the holidays, it's important that you remind yourself that this isn't a normal day.
This isn't a normal meal, right?
Like more times than not on a daily basis, we're not sitting down for a couple hours just eating.
You usually have three meals, a couple snacks, and that's it.
My family and I, we do the whole thing.
We do the whole shebam.
We do antipast.
We have like a whole meat and cheese platter of stuffed mushrooms, salad.
And then we do some type of pasta or sometimes we do like eggplant parmesan.
And then we'll have the main entree, like turkey, or ham stuffing, corn peas potatoes, sweet potatoes, everything.
And then we have a whole dessert platter and we have coffee.
So it's a large amount of food in let's say three hours.
The day is basically dedicated to eating.
That can be really uncomfortable for someone who has a fear of food to begin with.
And then you have to pair that with eating in front of people.
You're valid for feeling anxious.
You're valid for feeling uncomfortable.
The environment is overstimulating.
There's a lot of people.
There's a lot of food.
There's more of an opportunity for people to comment on what you're eating than So.
I think allowing yourself to validate your anxiety and validate the fact that this is a lot can help you calm down instead of blaming yourself and being like why am I so worked up over this?
Why do I feel so anxious?
Acknowledge that this isn't an average meal.
It's okay to feel overwhelmed.
This isn't normal.
With that being said, I think it's important to acknowledge that this is a celebration.
This isn't a normal day.
This is a day to enjoy your food.
This is the last day that you should be restricting or feeling bad about yourself.
This is a day that you're going to look back on and be like, wow, I had so much fun.
I got to spend time with my family.
I got to eat a delicious meal.
Like do you want to look back and be like oh my God, there was so much good food on my table and I barely ate any of it.
Because I was so in my head about what people were going to think about me or what people were going to say.
What helps me on these holidays holidays like Thanksgiving Christmas Easter, holidays with big meals is I always eat a meal in the morning.
I know there's people who like to say that you should skip breakfast to save room for the large meal.
But when I go all morning without eating and I'm waiting to eat lunch or dinner, it makes me more anxious because I'm starving.
So I eat a lot and then I become self-conscious and I become embarrassed about how much I'm eating.
And that's when I get in my head about oh my God, everyone's watching how much I'm putting on my plate.
Is everyone clocking that I'm going for seconds?
Another thing that I think is helpful is going into lunch or going into dinner with a plan.
Have a game plan on who you're going to sit next to or who you're going to spend your time around.
Someone that you feel safe around.
For example, I'm always going to sit next to my fiance at the table because I feel safe and I feel comfortable and I know that he's never going to judge me for what I'm eating at.
If anything, he's going to be the one shoving food down my throat because he knows how much I enjoy food.
And that's something that we really bond over.
It's good to have an idea of who you want to sit with and who you definitely do not want to sit next to.
Over the years of going to family parties or getting to know certain people, you get an idea of how they react and how they respond to certain things.
If they've made comments in the past about how much you're eating, or they've made comments about your body, naturally you're going to not gravitate towards them when they're suited around.
And that's totally okay.
If you know there's a person that's going to make comments about you going in for seconds, do not sit next to them.
Sit next to someone that's going to feel like a safe space for you.
And then the third thing that's helped me is trying to focus on the gathering and the people rather than the food, which I know is hard to do.
But when you're sitting at this lunch or at this dinner and make it a goal of yours to be very present in the conversations and come to the table with questions or, you know, going back to having small talk, come to the table with prepared topics.
People love when you pay attention to them and when you let them talk about themselves.
So if you know someone just got engaged or you know they just bought a house, ask them how that's doing.
If you have things going on in your life that you could talk about, bring that up.
Another easy thing to do is complimenting the food.
If someone brought a dish, compliment them.
Tell them it's delicious.
They're less likely to comment on how much you're eating and be rude to you.
If you're like, oh my God, this food's so good.
Thank you for bringing it.
They're going to want you to have more of it.
Or if you're someone who's on the opposite side of the spectrum and you're afraid of people coming at you for the fact that you're not eating a lot and you're afraid they're going to be like why aren't you eating?
You haven't even picked up your food.
Complimenting a dish someone made and being like, oh my God, this is so yummy is Is a nice way to say i've already tried your dish and I liked it, So there's no reason for you to be like why aren't you eating?
They're more likely to leave you alone if you're just nice and you compliment them.
Going back to what I was saying before about going home for the holidays and being nervous or feeling anxious about your appearance Or how people perceive you, What has helped me not even just during the holidays But in general, when it comes to my body image and not worrying so much about what people think about my body is dressing for my body type and dressing in ways that make me feel my most confident, even if it's not what is conventionally attractive or what everyone's wearing.
And by that I mean, you know, when you go out to the bars for like, let's say, Christmas Eve, people are typically wearing tighter shirts, more revealing clothing, little dresses, which is so cute.
And you should definitely wear whatever you want to wear.
But you don't need to wear that.
There's not like an assigned uniform.
If there's something that's going to trigger you or make you feel uncomfortable.
If you feel more confident wearing oversized clothing, you feel more confident wearing something that you think looks a little cooler, wear that.
Don't force yourself to wear something just because you think that guy you went to school with is going to think you look prettier that way.
It doesn't matter what other people think of you.
What's important is how you think of you and how you feel.
There's been so many times where I felt the need to squeeze into a really tight mini dress because that was the attire for that occasion, or that's what people expect you to wear.
And in my mind, I'm like, you know, the dress is pretty, but I look like a packed sausage.
I don't like how my body looks at all.
I'm like I would much rather be wearing something that actually fits my body and actually looks good on my body.
And that makes me feel pretty.
If you're someone who's struggling with your body image and you're nervous that people are going to judge you for, you know, maybe putting on a little bit of weight, which is totally normal, which is totally fine.
Our bodies fluctuate all the time.
And also, it's not a crime to put on a few pounds.
You're gorgeous no matter what.
But if that is you and you're feeling insecure about it, I would go out of your way to find an outfit that fits you well and that fits your body.
You know, don't squeeze into a size small if you've outgrown that.
Put on something that fits you good and that you think is cool, that you think is hot, and that you're going to be able to move around in and dance and shake ass and not be so focused on how your stomach looks or how your arms look.
The point of going out and socializing is to have fun.
It's to connect.
It's to get out there and have a good time.
I mean, why go out if that's not the point?
The point is not to go out there to just show face and the whole time be a ball of anxiety, worrying about how people are perceiving you.
The last thing that I want to touch on in today's episode is the overall overstimulation and things that may trigger you during the holiday season.
If you're someone who struggles with social anxiety or anxiety in general, the month of December may actually be your worst nightmare, because of how busy and chaotic this month is and feels like every single weekend.
There is some sort of event that you feel obligated to attend.
There's family events.
There's holiday parties.
Your friend wants to go out.
Your friends want to do holiday activities.
There's holiday shopping and things can just feel very overwhelming.
It's a lot.
I love anything and everything relating to the holidays.
I love going and doing Christmas activities.
I love dressing up for the holidays.
I love going holiday shopping.
But I am also someone who gets overstimulated fast.
I get sensory overload if it's too loud, if there's too many people.
I actually feel like I'm going to die, especially if I'm hungry or I'm thirsty or I'm just not feeling the best.
The thing is, at first, it might be okay.
You might be up to go and do these activities and go out and go to the bar, go to the mall.
And then all of a sudden, you just feel so overwhelmed.
You feel stuck.
You're like sweating.
You're angry.
It feels like you're swarmed with people.
And all of a sudden you're in the thick of an anxiety attack.
Sometimes, when that happens, it feels unavoidable.
For example, I went to go see Wicked on Broadway and halfway through the show I just started feeling really sick.
And then the rest of the trip I just felt so overwhelmed because I didn't feel well and I was having hot flashes.
And then every story went into.
There was a million people and you know how New York is, it's just very loud and also it's during Christmas time, so it's just 10 times worse and I just wasn't having the best time.
That was a situation that I just like did not plan for, and it just felt so unavoidable because I had no idea I was going to get sick.
But for the most part, there are things that you can do to help you feel less overwhelmed and feel less anxious when you're going out this holiday season.
The first thing that helps me is making sure that I eat something before I go out, even if I'm going to TJ Maxx and I'm only going to be there for an hour.
I know, oh I know, that when I'm hungry or I have low blood sugar, I'm much more sensitive to everything, whether it be light or noise or people.
I know that I need energy to be able to withstand even just being in a store.
So I always make sure I eat.
I always make sure that I have water with me because again, when I'm dehydrated, I struggle really hard in public spaces.
If you're someone who struggles with noise sensitivity, if you get very overwhelmed by music being too loud or people being too loud or people talking at once, you can always bring headphones with you.
They don't necessarily have to be like musical headphones.
You can just bring noise canceling headphones.
This works better if you're in like a city or when you're shopping rather than at a party.
For example, if I had headphones with me when we were in the city while I was feeling overwhelmed, throwing those on while we were walking probably would have helped me so much because I could have listened to some relaxing music, or I could have put on some ASMR or some type of sound that just would have calmed me down and regulated my emotions while we were walking.
No one's expecting me to be super there and talking to them while we're like navigating New York.
It would have been fine.
The same thing with shopping.
If you're in the grocery store, if you're at the mall and you have headphones on, obviously be aware of your surroundings.
Make sure that you're good.
But no one's going to bother you if you have headphones on.
No one's going to pull you over and be like, why do you have headphones on?
That's so rude.
You don't know me.
I don't know you.
We don't need to be talking.
We're just shopping in the same mall and same store.
We don't need to do this right now.
So just throw some headphones on.
Breathing and EFT tapping has also helped me greatly in any overwhelming anxiety inducing situations, whether I'm out shopping or I'm out with my friends or family or you know there's even been times where I'm blackout drunk and all of a sudden I get hit with a wave of overstimulation and I'm just overwhelmed and I run to the bathroom I'm like five vodka cranberries deep sitting on the toilet doing my EFT tapping but it works EFT tapping which is emotional freedom techniques is tapping on specific points of your body while you repeat affirmations to yourself for example if you were at a party and you're feeling anxious about talking to people you're nervous about socializing you could go to the bathroom and you tap on your temples or you tap on your chest while saying i'm safe it is okay for me to be myself no one is judging me i'm doing my best you You basically choose an issue that you're having and then you use affirmations that would help resolve that issue and calm you down.
And you say them while you're tapping.
When I do it, I tap on the top of my head, my temples, under my eyes, above my mouth, my chin, my chest and then underneath my arms.
And this is just an easy way to help regulate and calm your nervous system.
And it's nice because you can do it on the go.
I also think it's just important to know your triggers.
If you know that you're someone who gets overstimulated fast or you get overwhelmed in big crowds unless you absolutely have to go, try to avoid it.
If you don't love going holiday shopping and your friends are asking you to go, just be honest with them and be like I'm not really down for that, but would love to catch up with you when you get back.
Or if you are obligated to go to something but you know that you're about to be in a position where You might feel really anxious or you have a hard time being at this place.
Have a game plan.
Have a way out.
When you get to wherever you're going for example, let's say you're at the bar take note of where the bathrooms are.
Take note of where the exits are.
So if you do feel overwhelmed or you're having trouble breathing or you're having an anxiety attack, you have somewhere to go when you need a break.
I would also have a game plan for leaving.
For example, if you go to the bar with your friends but you're not feeling good or you're struggling with your social anxiety, have someone that you can call to come pick you up, or have uber downloaded so that way you can call one when you want to leave.
Or even just be the dd for the night, so that way, when you want to leave, you have your car and you can leave.
But, like also let your friends know.
By the way, i might not stay the whole night, so if you want to leave with me, i'm leaving at this time, but if you want to leave someone else, find a ride, Just communicate that with your friends.
But those are all good options to have a way out.
I know that the holiday season can be overwhelming with revisiting your hometown, seeing people you haven't seen in a while, being around family, being around food.
The main takeaway that I want you to get from this episode is, although it can be uncomfortable and it can be anxiety inducing, you do get to decide how you show up.
You get to decide what you engage with and you do decide what you affect you.
A lot of the time with anxiety, you feel like you have no control and that makes you spiral.
But you do have control over how you spend your time this month, who you spend your time around and the way that you respond to things.
Remember that the people from your past don't define who you are now.
Who you were when you were last in your hometown or the last time you were around these people is a completely different person.
And you don't need to let these people that you once knew make you feel like you have to be the same person.
And you also don't have to impress these people with your new life.
And you don't have to entertain those people if you don't want to.
When it comes to small talk or having those like hard, uncomfortable conversations with family members, remember that although it can be awkward and it can definitely be insulting, you are fully capable of having those conversations and doing them well.
A big part of why you're anxious when it comes to small talk is because you're putting so much pressure on yourself to perform, and to perform to the best of your ability when no one's expecting that of you.
If someone judges you off a five minute conversation about what you've been up to, that's not your problem.
And that's probably someone that you're not going to reconnect with.
So it doesn't even matter.
And when it comes to people feeling inclined to speak about personal matters, like your body, again that's not your problem and you don't need to entertain that.
And when it all feels just too much for you this holiday season the overstimulation, the crowds, the noise have a plan.
Use those grounding tools that I gave you.
And remember that it's okay to step away.
Your mental health and your emotional well-being comes first.
The holiday season is just a blip in this entire year.
It goes by so fast.
So enjoy it while it's here.
You can do it.
I believe in you.
And I hope that these tips help you with the holiday season or just help you overall.
If you liked today's episode, I would love if you shared it with a friend.
If you rated it on Spotify and Apple, it really does help me out.
And if you're not already, follow me on social media.
My Instagram and TikTok are linked in the show notes.
That's everything for today's episode.
Thanks for coming and hanging out with me.
And I will talk to you next Monday.
Love you.
