Disclaimer this video might sting a little bit, because this video isn't gonna be motivational advice.
It's gonna be filled with the harsh truths that so many people try to avoid, and that avoidance is exactly why they stay stuck.
But the reality check I'm trying to give you in this video isn't me trying to keep you realistic, ill or trying to bring you down at all.
All I'm trying to do in this video is make you see how far you can go in this life, the second that you get out of your own way.
Every single person on this planet experiences so many horrible truth bombs throughout their lives, like when you were 13 and you had your first friendship betrayal.
Or when you were 19 and your first boyfriend cheated on you.
Or when you started dating and you realized people aren't actually who they say they are and it taught you so much about trust in general and changed how you moved throughout your other dating experiences.
Or when you're in school and you worked really hard at something, just to then realize building the correct mindset was just as important as the hustle you put into the physical work.
My point being all of these horrible experiences have to happen to you for a reason because they change your mindset.
They change the way you look at life.
They change your direction.
And I'm going to be showing eight of those lessons in this video so that hopefully, you then won't need to go through the horrible experience to get this wisdom.
Right before we get into the video, I'm so sorry if I sound a bit weird.
If my voice breaks throughout this video, I am recovering from the flu.
So if I sound like a man, that's why.
Also, if you clicked on this video because you're on your growth journey, you just want to level up and become the best version of yourself, then check out my guided journal.
It's at selfobsessedjournal.com.
This particular journal is designed with all of the lessons and strategies I've used throughout my life to become the person I've always wanted to be.
You can check out more info on my website.
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Okay, brace yourself.
Harsh truth number one, your dating life is a you problem.
Now, hold up.
I am not excusing men's behavior because ew.
I'm just pointing out that if you have had a string of bad breakups or you have dealt with man after man after man who keeps putting you in the same old situationship to the point where you're literally questioning, why do I keep getting treated the same?
Yeah, this is something you need to work on now.
Because back-to-back bad dating experiences don't signal that the dating scene is hard.
They signal that your mindset boundaries, energy and standards are all over the place and they need to be sorted out.
You are simply misaligned to what you actually want and it's only by fixing that alignment that you will actually start to attract the real experiences you want, because these patterns in your life for example, the same type of people you keep dating in a different environment or a different font don't repeat because you've got bad luck or you can't do any better.
They repeat because that's what your nervous system craves, that's what it's attracting, because it feels comfortable and familiar to you, because it's validating an internal limiting belief that your subconscious wants to find as much evidence to keep proving that yes, this is all you're worthy of.
Yes, there's nothing better than this.
Remember, your brain works in a way where you are drawn to what feels familiar and comfortable, not what's healthy and right for you.
To find what's healthy and right for you.
You actually have to do the inner work to try and rewire your brain to be able to go find that.
Trust me, I've been there.
Everything I've said so far, yeah, applies to me.
Okay, I've gone through this whole journey.
So the real growth is going to happen for you when you stop telling yourself why does this keep happening to me?
Why do guys keep treating me like this?
And start asking yourself, what part of me is tolerating this?
What part of me keeps ignoring the red flags?
What part of me is allowing it to get this far and allowing me to keep romanticizing this relationship and missing a person?
That's clearly bad.
For me, all this is is accountability, which is one of the most self-loving things you can do for yourself.
When i finally made the decision to start asking myself these questions and realized for me it was truly an external validation problem, an insecurity problem and a self-love problem, i went on a journey to build up my confidence in self-love and i actually found a person that loves me.
So so, so much.
But, most importantly, i learned to love myself so much that the rest of my life got so much better because of it, because my standards and expectations were so high and my energy matched experiences that represented that.
Harsh truth number two, reality is simply an illusion, yet you keep bowing down to it.
Listen closely when I say this.
People, throughout history, time and time and time again, have defeated the odds of their circumstances, of the society they lived in, of their family, of the people they knew, of what they thought were possible.
They have achieved, time and time and time again, further than what was logical and realistic at the time.
Therefore, why do you keep constricting your own growth by tailoring your life to factors and circumstances that don't actually matter?
EG, what's my family gonna think?
Oh no, the economy is really bad.
I can't do this because I don't know anybody else who's done this.
Literally open any history book and you will find hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of examples of people who lived in much worse times, with much less resources, accomplish incredible, incredible things.
So why can't you?
People use the timing of things, their age, their experience, their skills as excuses.
When you over identify with your circumstances, then you just shrink your decision making to what feels safe and realistic for you.
And then you're just keeping yourself in this small, tiny comfortable box and you're never going to be able to grow outside of it.
A good example that I'm going to share with you is I'm a woman.
I am also a woman of color.
In an industry that so many people say you have to work twice as hard just to be half as good if you are a woman of color.
I have been told that phrase.
I can't even tell you how many times.
I never, ever, ever identify with it.
I hardly even identify with the fact that I'm a woman because so many people use it as an excuse of like.
This is gonna make things hard for you.
And by no means am I ignoring so many real experiences where yes, that has happened.
There is so much evidence around it.
However, I am not going to tailor my life around bad experiences and bad stories I've told.
They can very much be true, but I'm not gonna put my focus on that.
I identify as a person with a dream and a purpose and goals and I am going to achieve that.
I don't think about oh, but this is my gender and this is the color of my skin and these are my genetics and this is the way I look.
Therefore, this is how things are going to work.
No, I'm going to work towards what I want and I believe I could get what I want no matter what.
This kind of links into harsh truth number three.
The things you worry about the most are actually the things you need to be running towards.
Mostly imposter syndrome and embarrassment.
Let's start with the first one, imposter syndrome.
Everyone always asks, what do I do if I have imposter syndrome?
How do I get rid of it?
I don't know how to manage it, but I did this new thing and then I felt imposter syndrome, so I shouldn't really be doing it and it feels too uncomfortable and it's too scary.
Stop.
Firstly, you need to stop treating discomfort as danger, because this syndrome that you're so afraid of and want to run away from is actually the biggest sign that you're moving in the right direction.
Good.
I want everyone to have imposter syndrome, because that means you are going into rooms and you are going towards opportunities before you entirely feel ready and before your reality is caught up yet, meaning you are growing at an exponential rate.
That's something to celebrate.
Embarrassment too.
That's not like a warning sign.
That's not something to run away from.
That is a sign of your expansion.
That is you doing something outside of the box.
That is you doing something maybe you know the people in your circle or the people in your family.
It's not socially acceptable to them.
Good.
I don't want you to stay in a box that means that you remain acceptable to the people that raised you and that you're used to for the rest of your life.
Anyway, I want you to try and do something different.
I want you to try and live in a different way, or try somebody else's perspective for once, because who knows what you're going to learn about yourself in the process?
I felt so effing embarrassed when I went on my first solo date and now I'm like five years into the journey of it and it doesn't even bother me anymore and it's changed my life so much.
It's changed my self-love and my relationship with myself.
But also, if I didn't accept the embarrassment of the first solo date, I wouldn't have gone on my journey and then been able to teach that to millions of you on the internet.
You guys never would have even heard me talk about it if I didn't just accept the fear.
And let that be a lesson of the amazing things you can achieve when you just accept the embarrassment and the imposter syndrome.
Not only how you can change your life but hopefully how you can impact others too.
And remember your life is always going to be capped by your level of comfort.
Harsh truth number four life is an alignment game, but you just keep chasing popularity whole time.
It's quality over quantity.
Most of the people in your life right now they're not wrong and they're not bad people, But chances are they're probably really misaligned to where you're going and who you're growing into right now.
And because you keep hanging around those misaligned people, it's quite literally impacting your growth and your potential and your journey.
And don't get me wrong, you don't need to cut them off at all.
I just think you need to call into question how much gravitas and value and how much of a pedestal you're putting these people on who don't really matter so much or align with where you want to go.
And I want to say this because I feel like so many people feel guilty when they start outgrowing their friends, or maybe they just take a little bit of a step back and start also hanging out with new people.
Don't feel guilty about that, because what you say no to in this life is so important when it comes to manifestation is so important when it comes to finding what's actually meant for you.
It's not just always about saying yes to these opportunities.
It's about actually, I'm going to reject this because I know this isn't meant for me.
That way, closing that door, distancing myself a little bit is going to help open these doors.
Every time you prioritize being popular, being liked, being chosen, you're just diluting yourself and your authenticity.
And remember, because the universe is a mirror and manifestation works in the way that the universe is always responding to how you are feeling and what you are saying and what you believe about yourself.
If all you think you are worthy of is these people's opinions and you're just gonna stay in the vicinity of them,
That's all you're ever gonna get.
Why would all of these doors and dreams open for you if you don't truly believe that you're worthy of having them?
And if you don't feel confident and courageous enough to take a little bit step back from what you're so comfortable with, go through maybe a little period of loneliness, because you know actually you're deserving of all of the big things over there.
And again, the problem isn't the people, it's the weight that you give them.
So let's stop with the people pleasing, and let's stop valuing popularity, because you will grow so much faster when you stop worrying about oh my God, what are these people gonna think?
Or is this gonna make me accepted?
Or how are my family or friends gonna think of me when they see me doing this?
And instead replace all of those limiting, horrible questions with is this gonna push me closer to where I wanna go and who I wanna become?
Harsh truth number five, I love this one.
The adversities you are so disappointed by are all part of the greater plan.
You are completely allowed to grieve and be sad by the experiences you've gone through, of course, but never let your pain rewrite your self-image or the narrative of what your life could be.
Because all of these bad experiences, they had to happen for you.
They had to happen to you.
And remember, because it's very easy to feel like you're a victim, but remember every single person goes through it in the world.
Just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not happening.
You are not alone in your struggles.
Yes, other people might not be going through the exact same ones, but everyone's got a certain level of adversity they have to push through in this life.
We are all in this, literally together, okay?
Some people experience it in childhood, some people in adulthood.
It's all different, but it's all there for a reason.
All these adversities play such a specific role to get you to be the person that you're meant to be, by giving you the lessons you have to learn to get you on that journey.
You did not go through all of that just to be mediocre.
You did not have to learn all of that just to then abandon your dreams.
You would have never grown.
You would have never had the courage to become different.
You would have never had half the ideas you've had in this lifetime without the pain you had to go through.
And I think it's so easy to forget that when you're not consciously aware of it.
And I think you need to start looking back on your life and realizing yes, those experiences were horrible.
And, of course, you'd never want to go through them again, but actually they played a pretty big role in you becoming somebody that you are so proud of and that you love so much.
Pain only becomes limiting and unfair when you assign it the wrong meaning.
Most of the suffering you get from an adversity or an unfair situation isn't even because of the situation.
It's because of you making it be this whole big thing and assigning it this whole narrative, which then controls your life.
You thinking that now you have bad luck?
Or you thinking I'm always going to attract cheaters or bad men in dating experiences?
And this links into my next one.
Harsh truth number six, you are not where you wanna be because you won't pick a struggle.
Everything worthwhile is hard.
And I'm gonna give you a little bit of a gross quote.
But I spoke about this quote on TikTok years ago and you guys loved it, even though it was gross.
And I always think about it when life feels a little bit hard, okay?
I once heard this quote and it goes, with every single thing in life, you have to eat a pie.
I'm literally talking like a pie of poo.
You have to deal with this. with any given path that you choose in this life.
I promise you.
For example, you want a nine to five?
Okay, great, you've got job security, you've got your job out of uni, but then maybe you're bored.
Maybe it doesn't fulfill your passion.
Oh, okay, so you're gonna quit the nine to five and you're gonna do a business.
Okay, now you have to work longer hours.
Now you have to grind and hustle and you don't have the job security and you don't know where your next paycheck is coming from.
And now you have to learn all these extra skills and do about 10 different jobs for at least the first couple of years of running the business just to get to the result you want.
With any path you choose, there are so many struggles.
It's about picking the struggle that you are okay with.
Not even just picking it, you gotta fall in love with the struggle.
I did this in the beginning of my journey, like i really fell in love and forced myself to romanticize the process of giving up my social life, which was not a time.
It was not a time.
I'm happy to say I do have my social life back now, but I had to sacrifice it for a few years and I was like okay, it's this or it's being in a job that won't fulfill my creativity and being in a career path that I've grown up knowing I would never, ever ever wanna take, and abandoning my true authenticity for what?
Okay, I will work 10 hours a day and I will give up my weekends for years and i will not see my friends as much and grow apart from them to do what i know is going to fulfill me, so that i can get to where i need to be.
And yeah, that all sounds horrible, but to me that struggle and that pain was worth it in the moment.
It got me here, where i actually want to be now, and i'm so glad i made those sacrifices and i had to go through that pain for it.
There is a trade-off with everything, and comfort has a cost okay.
You want to keep staying comfortable.
You want everything to be easy?
Okay, but then the reward you're gonna get is always gonna be a low one, And the reminder I need to give you with this is there's no wrong choice, okay.
You could try a bunch of different things that don't even link together, but then at least that's gonna give you experience in.
Okay, I know a little bit more about myself, and this is teaching me what I want.
Okay, cool.
The mistake here isn't what you choose, it's not choosing at all.
It's being too afraid, it's being too comfortable and just letting life come at you and just dealing with it one by one and never quite having a plan, because you're too scared of having to struggle, of having to sacrifice and of having to hustle to get to where you really want to be.
Because the bravest people and the most successful people are falling in love with the struggle instead of resisting it.
Harsh truth number eight your life will always be capped by your level of self-love, or lack thereof.
For example, you don't love yourself enough yet to be able to take up space without then having to feel guilty for it or shameful for it.
You don't love yourself enough to know you're probably going to be perceived or maybe even hated on or judged by family members and then have to be in an awkward situation at family gatherings because you decided to do what was best for you.
You don't give yourself enough love and enough confidence to be okay in that situation, because you're still kind of relying on that external validation and you still kind of care what other people think about you more than the feeling that you're going to choose to give to yourself.
You subconsciously know that financially out earning your parents or the judgmental elders in your family is going to put you in a vulnerable, difficult judgmental position.
And because you didn't do the work to give yourself the confidence and the grace to be able to hold that and handle that and deal with that, you cap the amount of wealth that you are able to attract into your life.
Because you fear overtaking other people and what that might mean for you or how they might perceive you.
Because of that, you fear being better than your friends and maybe them judging you or not relating to you anymore.
So you play yourself down and you don't make the big moves because you're scared of the consequences of that success.
And again i have to say subconsciously this isn't something that's easy to realize about yourself.
You haven't found the romantic love and relationship you dream of because you haven't even yet given that kind of love to yourself yet and built that relationship with yourself yet.
And that's why you keep on attracting people that are wrong for you and mistreat you.
Because all of the people you meet and all of the people you tolerate are simply a mirror to the relationship you have with yourself.
If you don't trust yourself enough to survive rejection, if you haven't built up enough inner confidence to be able to put yourself on a pedestal and stand by that, if you don't love yourself enough to raise your standards for what you accept in your life, you will always keep yourself small enough to feel safe.
You will always reduce your life and keep missing out on your fullest potential.
And lastly, harsh truth number eight.
You are so concerned with being respectful that you are letting other people dictate and sabotage your life, your needs, not even your needs, your desires.
All of this respect you're so concerned about giving to everybody else is literally at the expense of yourself.
You haven't de-centered your parents yet, so now, so many of your big life decisions that are going to help you grow and help you fulfill your potential and your purpose that you were given this life to achieve are now centered around your parents, who have already lived their life, who already had to learn their own lessons, whose journey actually has nothing to do with yours, and yet you're still concerned about what they're gonna think about the decisions you wanna make, about what you wanna do for work, or about who you wanna love, or what city you wanna move to, or what passion and hobby you wanna pick up, or the way that you wanna dress and express yourself.
It is impossible to grow when you keep taking other people's opinions into consideration.
That's quite literally what we were not to put on this floating rock in the universe to do.
And an example I have to share, okay?
I was raised by my grandparents and I love them so much, okay?
They are some of my favorite people in the whole entire world.
We are so close to this day.
And I grew up knowing what their standards were and knowing what their expectations were and wanting to people please, and wanting to meet that.
You know, i got straight a's in school because i knew that that meant a lot to them.
I did work experience at a dentist because that they wanted me to go down the path of being a doctor or a dentist.
When, at 10 years old, i wanted to be a film director and then i wanted to be an artist, i always knew i was a creative person and yet i still did that to appease them, which didn't even link to what i wanted to do even one percent.
All of these little decisions i kept doing for them absolutely drained me.
And then, when i finally took a gamble to pursue my social media after I graduate university, I move back in with them and I want to give myself six months to do my social media and they weren't thrilled.
It wasn't the thing that they were most excited for, it wasn't something that they could brag to their friends about.
And they kept encouraging me please get a part-time job on the side, you should get a part-time job, and I did that.
I actually used to commute to another city.
I would come back home so burnt out, with no energy to try and film a YouTube video or anything.
So then I quit the part-time job and I thought i'm just going to give this my all.
I've tried to do your advice yet again and it keeps failing me, so i have to just listen to myself and i had to disappoint them temporarily.
Four months later, youtube channel blows up.
Brandy will start coming in.
Now i'm financially independent.
Now i'm moving out with a place of my own.
Now what it's been three years later.
They love my job.
They tell everyone about it.
My granddad is always like, oh my god, you're so close to two million subscribers i wonder when it's gonna happen.
That's genuinely what he calls me on the phone.
Just say if you told me three years ago that's what you're saying, i literally wouldn't have believed you.
And this is my point.
Don't wrap yourself up with oh my god.
I gotta do what my parents want me to do, because your parents don't always know how it's gonna pan out for you And how would they
You don't even know how it's gonna pan out for you.
The only way you can know how it's gonna pan out for you is if you have the bravery and the confidence to go and pursue it and make what you want to happen a reality.
And the only person that can do that is you.
You need to be delusional enough in knowing what you wanna do and then go make it a reality and then prove everyone else wrong.
Because, in my grandparents' defense, how are they supposed to know that social media was gonna be a thing?
That wasn't around in their entire lifetime.
That's not what they're familiar with.
They have no knowledge of that.
They were giving me advice based on what they learned about 50 years ago when they were my age.
How would that ever apply to me?
They had the best, nicest, most loving intentions.
They were worried and they wanted to keep me safe and successful and make sure that I didn't fail at anything.
But I had to have more belief in myself than that.
And I got what I wanted because of it.
And I've seen time and time again, people not taking that path.
And yes, maybe appeasing their parents in the short run but disappointing themselves in the long run, and that is just not worth it.
You need to shift all of this concern about making sure that you're showing up in the right way and being respectful to others to self-respect and to self-love instead.
Stop seeking permission from everyone else and please start living your life for yourself.
If this video made you uncomfortable good, that was the point, because that is exactly what growth feels like.
That means that you're on the right journey and you know what go you for watching this video and still being here.
We love to see it.
You didn't click off.
You're committed to the journey.
But again, these truths weren't here to make you feel bad about yourself or to scare you.
They're here to show you the reality and maybe a few truths that you haven't learned about yourself yet about maybe, power that you're giving away or lessons that you haven't quite learned yet.
And I had to learn all of these lessons the hard way and I'm giving them on a fast track to you right now because I wanna see you win, okay.
Everyone on this channel wants to see each other win, and I'm wishing you so, so so much luck on your journey.
So thank you so much for watching.
Before I go, be sure to check out all the links below in the description, because I fill out the description with a bunch of tools that are gonna help you on your journeys, whether it be a manifestation journal, a self-love book, so many other things.
I'm also on every single social media platform with different types of content.
So yeah, but thank you for being here.
I appreciate you.
My grandparents also appreciate you for supporting me and making sure i'm not filming videos to zero people watching.
So thanks, love y'all, and i'll see you next week for a brand new video bye.
