Happiness Is A Direction: Harvard Professor Arthur Brooks On Navigating Crisis, Building Better Relationships, Finding Meaning, & What Actually Makes Us Happy | The Rich Roll Podcast

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Head to on dot .com slash which role about six years ago, I wanted to understand why I wasn't a very happy person who's intensely personal and extremely selfish.

I was 55 years old.

And I said, who knows how many years I've got left?

And sure enough, because I was asking god, I had illumination.

What I'm going to do for the rest of my life is to lift people up and bring them together in bonds of happiness and love using science and ideas.

An expert on the art and science of happiness, Arthur Brooks is one of my favorite thinkers, but also perhaps more importantly, one of my favorite people.

A French horn player turned think tank president turned social scientist. Arthur is a professor at Harvard Business School.

He's a columnist for The Atlantic and the author of 13 books including From Strength to Strength and Build the Life You Want, which he coauthored with Oprah Winfrey.

The deep metaphysical why behind just feeling love accepted is to understand the nature of love, to understand cosmically what it means to be accepted in the universe.

The vehicle for getting that is more love in your life and you need knowledge.

You need to understand how you're living.

You need to understand what the barriers to that are.

You need to understand your brain to do that.

Arthur is somebody who shows us how to build lives of meaning that can rise from even the deepest dashes.

And because this conversation, Arthur's third, transpired in the immediate aftermath of the recent LA fires, we talk about that.

We discuss the relationship between adversity and meaning and how to cultivate wellbeing in times of crisis.

We also discuss our pilgrimage to visit the Dalai Lama last year.

Arthur shares wisdom, he has gleaned over the years from that friendship.

And we talk relationships, spirituality, the duality of science and faith, and transcendence.

So here's the thing, it doesn't matter how many answers you have if you're answering the wrong questions.

First of all, great to see you.

Thank you for coming to shoot us today.

Yes, we're on like day nine or 10 of being evacuated from our house, from the fires.

I don't know when this will go up, but we're in the aftermath of this kind of devastating experience here in Los Angeles, which has been deranging and also clarifying.

We're among the grateful and lucky in that our home was spared, but we were displaced.

We've been living up in Ohio and I've been reflecting on the experience.

And I mentioned to you before we started that there was a silver lining in our personal experience, which is that we reconnected with all these friends that I didn't even realize or had forgotten actually relocated to Ojai and had the experience of kind of being part of a community you know?

And the nourishment that comes with that that I think is lacking in many places throughout Los Angeles.

Los Angeles is a very alienating kind of place and community is something that I've been craving And it's one of the reasons why I enjoy going to places like New York where social collisions are just inevitable.

And that has actually been kind of really nice.

And it speaks to the heart of what you talk about all the time with respect to what's important in terms of living a happy and fulfilling life.

Love is really what is the nuclear fill rods of happiness.

And yet we neglect our ability to experience love because it's the proximate relationships that we have that are going to make that possible, with your friends, with your family, with your extended family, your immediate family, of course, with the divine, which means you need the quiet to actually make that happen.

These things don't happen incidentally, and they will be crowded out by the craziness of daily life, and sometimes you need something to intrude on your daily life, to tear away your daily life.

A lot of people will talk about this during the Coronavirus epidemic, which net -net was really hard on people.

The clinical depression quadrupled during the Coronavirus epidemic, but a lot of people had these collisions of love that they wouldn't have had otherwise because of the intrusion of that very unwelcome event.

And I remember that, you know, we were living in Wobbin, Massachusetts, just this suburb of, you know, Boston.

And, you know, we met some people and we invited them over and they kind of, you know, snuck over during the Coronavirus epidemic.

And we were just laughing and we got together more and more and they would bring food and the kind of stuff that we just wouldn't have done.

and we looked forward to these occasions and we deepened these friendships.

And it was because of the outside influence that was making ordinary life impossible and reminding us of what really mattered.

I recently had the outgoing surgeon general in here.

He's great. What a wonderful Like heart -centered man that guy is, and such a beautiful example of service.

Like it really comes from the heart.

You know, that he cares about these things deeply.

And, you know, he was speaking about the loneliness epidemic and in the context of this parting prescription for America was talking about the crisis of community and this idea of interdependence.

Like we so pride ourselves on our independence and, you know, this myth of being self -made or whatever that we celebrate and herald in our culture and how we sort of perceive interdependence as a weakness.

And yet this is a strength.

And I think within the context of with the fire that we just experienced, we saw that interdependence of play, like people coming together, despite what you might see on social media, like boots on the ground, like community cohearing to solve a common problem, people relying upon each other and how beautiful that is.

For sure, that was a really good interview, by the way.

You did with Fevec Murphy, because you guys connected over this in a big way.

And he's more than just a physician.

He really cares about the soul.

In an unusual way that you don't expect like in the surgeon general, I know.

I know. In his vice - admiral uniform.

I know. But that point about interdependence is really important and you and I have been last time I saw you was in the Himalayas.

I'm sure we'll get to that discussion soon enough and interdependence is a key concept that we talk about with Tibetan Buddhism and a long discussion that we had with our that the Tibetan Buddhists and Dharamsala in India.

And the way to think about this really for all of us is the illusion that comes from the independence that we have. Now, I'm an American like you and I'm an entrepreneur like you.

And I love the rug of individualism.

I think it's beautiful in California, which is the ethos of it is go West. And I love that.

I mean, our ancestors came from some old country where life was too boring and too codified.

And they came here for a particular reason.

We've got it on the genome.

But let's keep in mind that there is no true independence.

And I'll give you an example, a California example for that matter in the redwoods, enormous, incredible, 1000 year old trees, hundreds of feet tall.

They have a root system that goes down two meters.

So you can have a 300 foot tree with six foot deep roots.

And that's because they grow out and the way that it stays stable is by intertwining with the other trees.

They don't stay upright if it's not for the other giants around them.

We're redwoods. All the entrepreneurs who want to grow up and be a ritual, more power to you is what I say.

But don't forget that your roots are going outward. And if they're not intertwining with other roots of other people that have other ambitions and who can support you, you're gonna fail.

You're gonna fall down, that's the bottom line.

And then layer on top of that, like the network of mycelium that's connecting everything underneath the soil.

Like then we can get meta and talk about like the oneness of consciousness, which I'm definitely gonna get into in a minute.

But maybe on the subject of the LA fires before we talk about Dharamshala, Like what is your message to people who are experiencing tremendous suffering right now and, you know, grieving the loss of their homes and their neighborhoods?

Yeah, grief is a physiological process that stems from a part of the limbic system that has been evolved so that we'll be averse to losing things that or people that we love.

And it makes perfect sense because we would not have evolved and survived if we were not averse to losing numbers of our kin or to, you know, parts of our lives that are very important to us.

You have to be a verse to loss.

And so, the part of the limbic system, it's called the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex and becomes extremely active in times of loss.

And that's what makes you feel sadness and grief.

And it's normal, it's completely normal when you've lost something that's dear to you and especially someone who's dear to you that you're going to be in intense pain.

That the pain is alleviated through time in a vast majority of the cases, but there is one special hack to the matrix.

There's one special thing that people can do to alleviate the grief in this part of the brain.

And this where it gets from the biology into the metaphysics, which is to alleviate the grief of somebody else.

This is how it works, when you work, as I have, and you've talked to many people who've lost a child, there's almost nothing more unnatural than losing a child, losing a parent, got it.

I mean, this is the natural order of things.

When you get married, one of you is gonna die first and it's gonna be really, really hard. But nobody says it's unnatural that one of the spouses died first. You know this going in.

Child dying is not natural.

You can't accommodate it emotionally.

So when you work in communities of people who've lost a child, time heals to a certain extent, but the way that you can accelerate the process and make it more generative than it would have been otherwise is to help other people who've had that loss.

So when we talk about something like this, the fires where people have lost things that are dear to them, their community, their home, their neighborhood, their neighbors are not going to come back, whatever it happens to be.

Helping people who are in crisis is tremendously pain alleviating.

Because when you do that, you'll find that it will heal your own dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, when you're starting to deal with the overactivity of that of others and that's how the soul works.

It's tough to hear that if you're in the midst of the crisis though, and you're the one who should be be on the receiving end of that service.

And saying like, well, you can alleviate, you know, this pain that you're feeling by giving yourself to somebody else.

Yeah, no, of course.

And there any media throws of that when the fires are still burning.

It's one thing to just try to keep your food and clothing and take care of your kids.

I got that, when you actually need relief completely.

But there's never any point in our lives where once again, where our roots are not interconnected.

And remembering that is critically important.

And there's always somebody who's suffering more, there's always somebody who needs our love, and we always have enough love to give to somebody else.

We have enough love that we can accept the love and service of other people, and that we can give to other people who need us as well.

And that interconnectedness is, it really, really is a lot of pain.

Attachment is the root of all human suffering, and every obstacle is an opportunity for growth and evolution.

But there's also, you know, timing and delivering a message like that.

Of course. Yeah, of course.

No, there's timing for sure.

I mean, you and I both believe that things to which you need to become detached will be ripped away from you.

That's just, this is the way that it works, but that's an unhelpful message in the throes of the worst loss.

That's something that you can get in perspective, you can get over the long -term, that you can see that truth retrospectively in your life.

So everybody who's watching us right now has experienced loss, a really nasty breakup, the bankruptcy of a company, the divorce of your parents when you were a kid.

Whatever it happened to be, it doesn't have to be that your whole neighborhood burned down, you've had loss, right?

Retrospectively looking back on it, you can find a way that that was generative for you.

Now there is a way with the little losses that we deal with that we can get the knowledge, that we can get the benefit more in real time.

I ask my students in my class, in my happiness class to keep a failure in disappointment list, ever talked to you about this before?

I can't remember, maybe.

Yeah, so you have, they keep a little notebook and each time something bad happens that feels like a loss or it feels like a disappointment or feels like a failure, which is a lot.

I mean, this happens to us pretty frequently.

You write it down and leave two lines blank.

And on the first line you write down, it's like that thing really bothered me, it really bothered me.

And then a month later you come back to the first line that you left blank under it and write down, what did you learn?

What did you learn about that?

What did you learn from that experience?

And then three months later, you come back to the second line and write down a good thing that happened because of that loss.

And you're filling in the notebook and by the time you're going to a new thing that's really bugging you, really bothering you, you start to look forward to it because you're gonna be looking back at the knowledge and growth from past negative experiences and the benefit that actually has come from those negative experiences, while never, never, never waste sacrifice, never waste your suffering.

That's a great practice, I like that.

Basically you're widening the aperture on perspective.

And it's easy to say, well, these things happen for a reason or that will come of this, but to actually kind of track that.

And then say, get the last five bad things that happened to me, here's what I learned.

And here are the benefits that actually came from it.

When I go back and voluntarily accept it, no, of course not, that's not the way your brain works.

That's not the way life works.

But to say that these sacrifices and negative experiences are all pain no gain, is just wrong.

And the only way we don't benefit from them is by trying to eliminate the pain, as opposed to trying to learn from the pain.

That's a really important thing.

What you find is that real masters in this who practice true gratitude, they'll wake up in the morning and they'll say, I'm really grateful for all the wonderful, beautiful generative things that are gonna happen today.

And I'm also really grateful I'm grateful for the things I don't like today.

I'm grateful for those things.

Because I know retrospectively that that is going to be the source of my growth.

I'm not just grateful for the dessert.

I'm also grateful for the vegetables.

I realize I'm talking to a vegan here.

Yeah, that's the engine of growth.

Yes, totally. And reading their relationship with them.

How much, I'm wondering like, how much do you think, or maybe even if there's social science on this, how much of our unhealthy relationship with attachment, disappointment, loss, other factors that are driving levels of unhappiness has to do with our unhealthy relationship with death that is sort of part and parcel of the modern Western world.

We've all had experiences where an older person has been sick for a very long time and then they pass away and everyone's like, I can't believe this happened or like, how could this happen?

It's so tragic, it's so awful, when like, you know, death is the one certainty, right?

Like, and also, you know, I have all these longevity experts on the show and all these people trying to extend lifespan, hell span.

And often wondering like, how much of their motivation is being driven by like this tremendous fear of death and what that has to say about the modern developed world's relationship with this inevitability and how that tracks to how we're living our lives in the present moment.

It's most ancient cultures had a much healthier relationship with death than we do today.

And it really comes down to a cognitive issue.

And so modern neurosciences helped us understand why we're afraid of death.

So philosophers have talked about this and Ernest Becker, the founder of terror management theory around the fact that we can't cope with our death, but we understand neuro scientifically why that's the case.

Everybody watching us can accept the fact that he, she or he is gonna die.

That they're physically going to die.

There's going to be bodily death.

They know that, they understand that.

And part of the reason is because we have consciousness with a big prefrontal cortex. Your dog doesn't know he's gonna die.

But you know, rich knows that rich is gonna die.

The problem is that we don't have the hardware.

We don't have the cognitive capacity to understand non -existence.

So we can understand non -living but not non -existence, which are two fundamentally different things.

It's not a philosophical distinction.

It's a cognitive distinction between the two states.

And since you can't imagine not existing, you get a cognitive dissonance about your death that creates fear, cause cognitive dissonance always provokes fear.

I'm gonna die, but then I can't understand, I don't understand not existing.

So I have this prefrontal cortex, this consciousness that helps me understand my existence, but doesn't allow me to understand my non -existence.

That fundamentally is a huge problem such that the only solution a lot of people have to comfort themselves is to eliminate the whole concept of death.

Now you might say to yourself, now you and I, we're quite spiritual individuals.

And so one of the ways that we deal with it is by spiritually eliminating non -existence, I'm going to keep existing.

That's how religion works.

And all my behavioral science buddies are like, Yeah, you just explained how you have created religion to soothe yourself, right?

I just happen to think it's true actually which is the reason you can't conceive of non -existence is because non -existence doesn't exist. That's my explanation for it as a traditionally spiritual and religious person to be sure.

But be that as it may, it's a big problem.

When you can't conceive of non -existence and it's freaking you out, one of the easiest ways today, it's just, I'm not gonna think about it.

and remove it from your conscious experience.

I'm just not gonna, I'm gonna act as if it's not gonna happen.

That's not healthy.

By the way, that's how addictive behavior works too.

So then what is the message to the spiritually allergic?

The spiritually direct how to rectify that cognitive dissonance?

Number one is to recognize that that is the problem that you're actually having.

And so a lot of people, so the existentialist, the 20th century existentialist, Jean -Paul Sartre for example.

His contention was, I mean, you're in my contention how you and I see the world is you had an essence before you existed, and then you exist and your whole journey through life is to understand that essence and to live that essence and the service and love of other people.

That's a really, really, and that's an ancient idea.

All major religions are based on that concept that essence precedes existence.

The existentialist said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. existence precedes essence, you have to invent the reason for living, you have to invent your essence.

And the whole goal of your life, the whole ethical purpose of your life is to define what your essence is and live up to it.

And in so doing, you'll eliminate the anxiety that you have about non -existence.

That's the whole idea behind Star Trek.

To me, it's just not satisfying.

Now, if you're a Nietzschean, Nietzsche would say, there is existence and there is no essence, so don't waste your time, don't worry about it, have fun.

Another way of articulating this idea of essence precedes existence is to say that, this is something I've been thinking a lot about and I'm becoming increasingly convinced of, which is that consciousness is not a byproduct of matter.

In other words, consciousness developing its complexity as a relationship to the complexity of a biological system, but rather that consciousness is the substrate of the universe and matter is a byproduct of consciousness, like in a non -duality context.

Like in the way that Sam Harris teaches meditation.

And there is a cosmic consciousness that might be exhaustionist to the individual.

There is something out there that that governs is the greater cautiousness of Rich and Arthur and everybody watching this.

There is, and I don't know, it was called God, why not?

But not necessarily, depending on who you are.

Now, if you're somebody like Robert Sapolsky, have you had him on your show?

No, not yet, but he's on my list. He's phenomenal.

He's phenomenal, but he's an ultra materialist, and he believes that cautiousness is an illusion, and free will is an illusion, that all of this is biological.

All of this is radically material, and this idea that there's a cosmic rich, rich role -ness out there, that that's just an illusion, that's a byproduct of the activity of your prefrontal cortex. Yeah, I don't buy that.

It doesn't feel right to me either.

And there's a reason, by the way, that there has never been a single documented according to anthropologists, a single documented civilization that's not religious.

There's not a single one.

You can't find a society in which people haven't actually searched for and had a concept of the divine.

That doesn't mean they're all Catholic.

Doesn't mean they're all Hindu.

What it means is that we have an innate sense that there is the divine.

That there is a cosmic consciousness.

That there is a Brahman, a Godhead.

There is something out there.

And you might say, well, I mean, that's once again a by -product.

Yeah, it's an evolutionary imperative.

I mean, it's like, or an evolutionary imperative if we're just a basic by -product of this 30 % of our brain by weight, that is what made us conscious that we're alive and gonna die and that's what's freaking us out.

It's just that we're very advanced, to advance for our own good.

I actually don't think we're that advanced.

I don't think we're advanced enough to really grok the fullness of the conscious experience.

And I think it's our lack of humility around our lack of cognitive capacity to fully understand what's actually going on and to kind of egoistically decide that this is what it is that is getting in our way.

Yeah, no, I agree. And robs us of the mystery and the awe and the wonder that I think is available.

Yeah, no, that's right.

So they are, yeah, no, I agree with you, I agree with you.

So I have this sort of grand unifying theory of Arthur Seabrooks that I'm working on.

I can, the first one to hear.

Here's what I think.

You know, here's what I think.

I think that you are a social scientist And a Harvard business school professor.

Yeah. And you can kind of, you know, shroud yourself, drape yourself in these monikers, right?

But what's really going on here, you do this, I believe, for the sole purpose of being taken seriously on topics that actually transcend science and are in fact deeply spiritual.

And your deeper purpose, you talk about happiness and all these things, but really your real purpose is to get buy -in, get people to sign up for this journey towards transcendence.

Wow, so what makes you think this?

Because I know that you're a deeply spiritual person.

I mean, you're very principled around your religious practices.

And I've spent time with you in India with the Dalai Lama.

So I know that your spiritual curiosity isn't limited to Catholicism.

And I know that you're a very effective communicator.

And I believe that you have figured out whether conscious or unconscious, that the best way to be of service to people is to provide this sort of easy welcome mat, like a door that swings wide open because everybody's interested in happiness and everybody is seeking greater fulfillment and purpose and meaning in their lives.

And you know, through your own conviction and personal experience that these are things that are discovered through a spiritual commitment.

But that doesn't necessarily translate.

It's not exactly a great recruiting tool.

And I'm not saying you're trying to recruit people into your religion.

I'm just saying that I think that you are an example of somebody who understands that there is greater meaning available.

And the best way to get people to start going on that exploration for themselves is to, you know, bring them in through science and terminology and talking about, you know, the prefrontal cortex and the amygdala, and like, you know, this study and that study to get people curious about this world and then trusting that once they're kind of rooted or invested in this exploration, that they will go on their version of the journey that you've been on.

Yeah, it's a you're accurate or.

What you're looking at, Rich, you're adept.

I mean, that's what you do.

One of the reasons that you're incredibly successful, I dare say, is because of your intense curiosity and insight.

So you actually prepare when you have a guest, I'm an old fan of the show.

So I see you interviewing all different kinds of people and you analyze the person on the basis of deep background research, intense curiosity, but also penetrating insight into the person, into the person as a person.

That's your superpower as somebody in this business.

It's one of the reasons that millions of people look at your interviews.

There's a lot of competition out there.

You're buttering me up right now.

Really, because you know, it's my way of saying if you think this, then let's take it seriously.

I'm a behavioral scientist going way back.

I mean, I got my PhD about 30 years ago, as a matter of fact and I'm really interested in human behavior, all different kinds of human behavior.

I was trained as an economist, but I also did military operations research. And most of my research was on philanthropy and the appreciation of beauty.

Early on when I was a conventional academic, writing my academic journal articles that nobody no human could read because they were too mathematically complex to be understood by normal people.

But at the tap root of it, what I really, really wanted was I wanted to understand why I wasn't a very happy person.

It was intensely personal and extremely selfish.

which is what it came down to.

About six years ago, you know, I've had a lot of different career twists and turns.

I mean, I wasn't like you, lawyer to ultra endurance athlete to podcaster, but you know, pretty crazy.

Like four or five careers, a French horn player, and then I was a scientist, then I was a think tank president in Washington DC.

And when I retired from that, in my mid fifties I said, I'm going to go back to behavioral science, but I'm gonna write a new mission statement about it, because I was 55 years old, and I said, I've got, I don't know, somewhere become, I mean, we die young in my family.

My dad died at 66. We have a tradition of trying to die young, you know, it's kinda what we do, but you never know, who knows how many years I've got left. And to write that mission statement, I walked the Camino to Santiago.

Do you know what that is?

Yeah, we talked about this before, but yeah, I keep, ever since you shared that with me, I keep running into people who have done it and had transformative experiences.

You and Julie would love it.

I mean it would be, it would be, we should do it together.

We should actually do it together.

Because, you know, now we've been to the mountains and let's do the planes.

It's up to 800 kilometers across Northern Spain.

And you're just walking all day.

Your whole gig is walking and praying and in contemplation.

And people do it when they're searching for something, walking is a metaphor for walking towards something.

And when I walked that, it was because I was asking God to give me special information about what I was supposed to do for the rest of my life.

I've always known. I didn't know.

And so, and I didn't know, and it was hard. And on the last day entering Santiago de Compostela, which is a city in Northern Spain is the Cathedral there where the pilgrims who for a thousand years have been walking this, all different faiths, by the way, this is not just the Catholic thing.

That's when you're supposed to have illumination and sure enough, I had illumination that came to me that what I'm going to do for the rest of my life is to lift people up and bring them together in bonds of happiness and love using science and ideas.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Why? Because I want people to have what they deserve in the pilgrimage of their own lives is to have the love and happiness that comes from these transcendental bonds of love of the divine, love of each other, love of their families and their friends, and love expressed to the entire world to the way that they earn their living.

And the way that I'm gonna do that is I'm gonna throw out that welcome mat that says, I got the science, you can learn.

The reason you haven't found it is because you don't understand it.

And the reason you don't understand it is because it's not obvious.

It isn't completely obvious.

And now we have this opportunity.

So there are a lot of people out there who say, that the welcome mat says want bigger biceps.

What they want is not bigger biceps.

What they want is love and happiness.

That's what they love and want.

That's what they want because that's what everybody wants.

So the science of happiness is bigger biceps.

In other words, Rich you're right.

I mean behind it's sort of a lament that I have when people, I have this goal, I wanna run a marathon. I want bigger, but whatever it is, it's like, alright, why do you want that?

And then, okay and then why do you want that?

and peeling back those layers.

And it does, it always goes back to like, I wanna feel loved, I wanna feel accepted.

I wanna feel connected.

And the deep metaphysical why is behind just feeling loved and accepted is to understand the nature of love.

To understand cosmically what it means to be accepted in the universe.

That's what we want.

We wanna put ourselves into perspective.

We want deep understanding is what we want.

The vehicle for getting that that is more love in your life, is opening yourself up to more love in your life.

It's to love and be loved.

And you need knowledge.

You need to understand how you're living.

You need to understand what the barriers to that are.

You need to understand your brain to do that.

And so we do need self -improvement people and we do need theologians and we do need great gurus, and we need scientists.

Yeah, but ultimately science can only take you so far.

You can study happiness.

You can try to formulate a theory about love and you can parse the difference between feelings, emotions and all these different kind of variables and aspects of things that drive or move us away from happiness.

But fundamentally, the deeper questions or the real answers are not in behavioral science.

They're in art and they're in philosophy and they're in spiritual traditions.

Yeah. Yeah so the way I teach my class at Harvard, it's took a long time to figure out the architecture of the class because one of the reasons that the science of happiness is insufficient to making you a happier person is because it's in the middle of the story.

If you actually wanna become a happier person, number one, you have to go to where the right questions are.

So here's the thing, it doesn't matter how many answers you have if you're answering the wrong questions.

The right questions are the secret to all enlightenment.

Questions are more important than answers right.

is aware of the right questions from philosophy, from theology, from spirituality, from history, from beauty.

That's where the real questions are.

Then you layer on top of that what we understand scientifically about the mechanism of what we're actually trying to get at.

And that's where neuroscience comes in.

Neuroscience is this, it's a brand new field.

There were no neuroscience departments 50 years ago and now you can get your PhD out at any reputable university but it's still completely contested.

that is the Wild West intellectually.

Then on top of that, you need data, you need empirical evidence about what's happening, which is where my field of behavioral science comes in.

And then you need to be able to apply it.

What are you gonna do with your life?

How are you gonna change your habits?

What are your contemplative practices?

Are you gonna commit to actually changing your behavior on the basis of this knowledge?

And then how are you gonna share it?

Are you gonna be a happiness teacher?

So those are the stages of what we actually go through.

Starting from the beginning, you're exactly right.

You're exactly right.

Behavioral science doesn't ask any interesting questions.

Aristotle asks interesting questions.

When it comes to health, sleep is a big deal.

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I love coffee, but maybe not so much the jittery anxiety that it reliably delivers.

And yet coffee alternatives, for me at least, always seem to fall a little bit short on the promise of delivering that morning boost that I admit to enjoying to hone my focus upon the day's demands.

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Something in between maybe a chai tea and a sort of spicy hot chocolate.

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There's the nuts and bolts, like the practicalities of the things that you can do to drive your life towards meaning purpose, happiness and all these things, and protocols and actionable kind of strategies and tactics.

And you talk a lot about that.

And I'm less interested in the nuts and bolts aspect of this than I am in the internal contradiction in this kind of dualistic sense.

Like for all of the self -will and discipline that is required to improve your life, there's a counterbalance of surrender and acceptance.

So all of these things have a yin and a yang to them.

There's self -will and God's will.

There's the importance of like acting on your own behalf, the pejorative of being selfish.

And then there's being selfless and how important that is, like all of these counterweights against each other.

And I think where it gets tricky for people is trying to get your head around like how you kind of operate in the world when two opposing forces are important to kind of inhabit in your behavior and in your kind of philosophy of life, if like faith without works is dead.

And we talked about being independent and the importance of being interdependent and the tension between what you have to do to move your life forward versus enjoying the life that you have, right?

So how do you think about like these dualities and making sense?

Yeah. People spend a lot of time stressing and anxious about outcomes.

They focus a lot about the things that are happening outside themselves as opposed to working on what they really can, which is the things inside themselves.

So people will be very stressed out and very unhappy and say, I can't really move forward in my life until the economy is better.

I can't move forward in my life until my health is better.

I can't move forward in life until my marriage is better.

They focus on the exogenous because that's a natural thing to do.

What I care about is the outcome.

What I care about is the circumstances under which I can thrive.

But the truth is you can't effect those things fundamentally.

Happiness comes when you're all about what you can affect and surrendering in the things that you can't.

You know, you send me a text message the other day and really, I found it very moving because you were in the throat, you didn't know what you were gonna lose.

I mean, is my house gonna burn down?

Is the studio gonna burn down?

Well, it's gonna burn down.

Nobody knew, and it was close, right?

Yeah, it's pretty close.

It was pretty close.

And you said, I'm doing everything I can and I'm surrendering.

What did you just tell me?

I can't remember what I said exactly, but like everything - You told me you were surrendering.

Well, it's an opportunity to deepen your practice of surrender, right?

But to be sure you're doing it exactly the right way because you're taking care of the things that you can actually take care of and you're not taking care of the things that you can't take care of.

You can't make the fire not burn down your house if the fires going to burn down your house.

You can lower the odds.

You can change your behavior.

You can protect your family.

And then if a fire burns down your house, the surrender itself is the healthiest thing that you can possibly do.

Now, that's an extreme case, but there's lots of things where everybody watching us has something like this going on.

Parents ask me this all the time.

So in religious communities, I talk to a lot of religious parents and they'll say, okay, okay, Mr. Behavioral Scientist, tell me what I can do to guarantee that my kids are gonna grow up in the faith.

And I'm like, I can't do that.

That's the wrong thing for you to be worried about.

Well, I care about my faith.

Of course you do. Here's what you worry about.

What they see you doing in your practices of the faith.

Why? Because there's a lot of science behind this.

It actually literally doesn't matter what you tell your kids on any subject for their behavior.

All that matters is what they see.

So if you don't want your kid to, you know, hurl curse words out of the car at somebody in traffic, never have them see you do that.

If you don't want your kid to be a drunk, don't be a drunk.

And the number one predictor, of your kids growing up in the faith is seeing you on your knees, that's it.

Bowing before the Lord, if you happen to be a Christian or Jew or a Muslim, or any of the Abrahamic faiths, but you fill in the blanks for whatever your faith happens to be.

Seeing you in a position of humility and practicing something, that's what really matters.

And this isn't a broader case of this.

I can't be laying awake nights about how my kids are ultimately going to turn out as adults.

What I should be worrying about is my own behavior.

The example I'm giving my kids.

Am I loving them in the right way?

Am I nurturing them in the right way?

Am I being the person that I want them to become?

That's a combination of intense action and total surrender.

That's the magic brew.

That's the magic brew of a life that basically says, I can't control this.

I can control this.

And that's what I'm maybe paying attention to.

Unless you're Cipolsky and he would say that it's all - You can't control anything.

I've sort of been thinking about this with a heuristic that I'm working on, which is, imagine three buckets, there's doing and that's like the striving and the hustle and the work and the discipline and the showing up and the working towards goals and all of those sorts of things.

Then there's the undoing, which speaks to surrender and like the undoing of our attachments or our relationship to future outcomes or outcomes in general which is sort of a different kind of goal setting, I guess.

And then there's being, right?

So it's sort of Maslow's like hierarchy of need like ultimately transcendence being like a state of just being, right?

Where if you're in a state of total presence you don't need to ever set a goal all the answers will come to you.

you're just in the moment and the right intuitive next action will come to you and you will take that action.

Yeah, no, that's a really hard thing to do.

Because we're - Well, that's the peak of the - Yeah.

You know, that's what - That is.

This is like what we're all striving for and we've all fallen short of, of course.

I know, and it's easy to look at that as some sort of, you know, enlightenment ideal, but we can take it down to an experience that all of us can relate to.

So almost everybody watching us has had at all has a really important romantic relationship in their life.

The secret to a really happy and stable romantic relationship is being not doing.

It is. And this is what people always get wrong, especially dudes by the way, it's like, I'm gonna do more.

I'm gonna do more. No, no, no. The solution is always to do more.

I know. Especially if you're a, if you're a striver, you know, there's no non strivers watching the rich roll podcasts, I mean, this is kind of the gig.

And so, do more, have more results, right?

Do more, work harder, get more results.

She wants you to be, she wants you to see her.

She wants the eye contact.

She wants your presence.

She wants your soul, man.

She wants your soul.

No, I'm going to go do something here.

You're not giving her your soul.

You're giving her your muscles.

You're giving her your effort.

You're giving her your money.

She wants your soul, and that's just being in a super heart.

But that's taking this grand enlightenment down to the granular stage.

And why? Because your marriage is a simulacrum for the divine.

That's the divine love as instantiated in your house in what you're doing.

You're fused by the divine spirit.

That's the whole point of cosmic romantic love is for you to experience what divine love actually is, is when you're actually making the eye contact with your beloved, that's what it's supposed to be.

And you're denying yourself and her that divine love when you're not being, when you're just doing it.

That's it right there.

Like that is like, I mean, that's really profound in the case of like my own marriage, and somebody who is an admitted die -hard striver and a striver who kind of arrived, you know, kind of found my thing later in life.

And even though I'm like old, like I feel like I'm playing a young man's game.

Me too brother. Right to it.

Yeah. There's lots to talk about about that.

But I think fundamental to many drivers, and I guess I'll just speak from myself in my own experience, like, what is driving that?

Like, what's behind that?

Well, it's a sense of feeling like you don't belong and the way to feel that sense of belonging is to achieve great things or to get noticed for doing things.

And then kind of a layer beneath that is perhaps like a fundamental sense of being unlovable, right?

And so the way you compensate for that is like trying to be exceptional.

And then when you have a partner who's like, I want your soul and I want your presence, that's very threatening because if you don't feel loved and you're being summoned to be vulnerable, like, well, if this person really knows who I am, and they will reject me.

And so I need to rush off and go make money and do these other things.

And that'll be just fine and just enough.

Do you love me enough?

You love me yet? Do you love me yet?

Look at me. Like all these people write to me and they think I'm cool.

Do you love me yet?

She's like, I don't want your followers.

I don't want your show.

I want you. I'm like, okay, let me go do more.

I'm gonna go do more.

Yeah, this is the thing.

I mean, this is the Strivers lament, and this is something that, there's a weird empirical regularity that I find in my own work, which is that successful people are basically all insane.

And I don't say this clinically insanity with some sort of DSM -5 designation of this, but basically they're not balanced in a particular way because very successful people in worldly terms are systematically violating cost benefit analysis for their own happiness over and over and over again.

They're chasing these worldly idols such that they can actually prove to themselves through accomplishment, that they're worth something.

And there's three things that are wrong here.

You don't love yourself enough.

You don't believe that other people would love you without your accomplishment.

And deep down, you don't feel loved by the divine.

You don't believe that God loves you is what it comes down to.

And that's deep, deep philosophical and spiritual work that needs to get done.

And again, I'm not recommending that any striver would become a slacker.

And even if I did, it wouldn't matter.

I can say, hey Rich, become a slacker.

Sorry, sorry, too late, too late.

It can't be done. Yeah.

In the parlance of recovery, like the persistence of this illusion is astonishing, right?

Because for every accomplishment or achievement.

And you're then met with like that, that lack of fulfillment that you thought was inherent in that promise.

And what do you do?

Do you assess and reevaluate your strategy?

No, you double down.

and you convince yourself that it's right around the bend of the next thing.

I mean, success addiction is just another kind of addiction.

And all addictions, substance abuse, behavioral addictions, they're all filling a hole that can't be filled.

You're just throwing dirt into a hole that actually goes to the other side of the globe and falls out the other side.

You can't, it can't be done so it's like.

So when you're, you're at Harvard Business School and you're teaching your class to, you know, the next generation.

Of ultimate ultra structure, you know, drivers, and you drop that on somebody who's 23 years old, 24 years old.

It's hard for a young person to hear that.

The sooner they hear the better off they are.

And the truth is that there is a solution to that, which is partially the best. I mean, strivers got to strive at the end of the day and they're going to be exhibiting certain pathologies to be sure.

And by the way, I love strivers.

I am one, my kids are strivers, right?

And we'd be living in caves without drivers, without people who had not sacrificed themselves for their own pathological and unerring tendency to try to do more, see more, experience more.

I mean, we need drivers.

So on a meta level, it is an act of service.

What can I say? I just love humanity.

I'm sacrificing myself.

That's right. You know, like, I'm gonna go achieve great.

But back to your marriage, that's what every striver says as to her or his spouse is like, look what I'm doing for us, look what I'm doing for our family, look around you at this house.

Do you think this house built itself?

This came from my hard work and personal responsibility and my ability to actually build this thing and why are you resentful of me?

Because I don't want the house, I want you.

I'll take the house, I want you.

And so this is, and again, therein lies the solution.

This is not a perfect solution because life on earth is tricky.

And we all have our issues, as my kids would like to say, as my kids would say, everybody's got issues.

But the truth is that love is the answer to this.

To love and allow yourself to be loved is the answer to this.

And that back to your question, that's why I do my work.

That's because I want it and left to my devices, I'll just like keep throwing dirt into that hole.

I'll just strive and strive and strive all day long.

But I know on the basis of, you know, what I've learned, I know that I won't be happy, that it won't be enough.

And it will alienate the people who are closest to me and my wife will be miserable.

And so I have to use the knowledge to actually love and allow myself to be loved in divine love and love in my marriage and my family and with my friends and through my work.

There's divine comedy and perhaps a little bit of irony.

We talked about this the first time you're on the show, in that this epiphany and this commitment that you have to love and to really prioritize the things that you know are the drivers of you living your best life have put you in a position where now you have more demands on your time than ever before, right?

How I write. Yeah, so it's like, of course this is how it was constructed, right?

To test you like, okay, do you really, are you really going to, walk your talk here when so -and -so is calling you and every kind of hot stage across the world wants you to grace it.

There's some irony in the first book that I wrote when I started this new venture was how to live, how to get happier as you get older by detaching yourself from them, from all the details of a success addiction.

And the thing blew up and everybody wanted me to come talk about it.

And now, and you're like, this is it.

This is freaking awesome.

I'm finally feeling that hole.

Right, no, I mean, it's like there's no small amount of irony in this.

Yeah. And so what does trip you up?

What's the challenge that you kind of face presently and daily.

The things that will actually feed my success addiction is basically as if I were writing a book about how to beat alcoholism and then I went on the, the lecture circuit and every single night I was in the best cocktail parties, with the best liquor.

and people were getting drunk around me wanting to hear more about my book is kind of what it comes down to.

And so it's an opportunity for me to live in a way that reflects my values to be sure.

And that really starts at home and that starts with my wife that starts with my marriage.

And we made lots of progress on the basis of the knowledge.

Knowledge is power when it comes to this but then practices is fundamental through this as well.

But the challenge itself has illuminated a lot of these pathologies.

I write about the pathologies.

I write about it for other people.

I experienced them in my own life and then I have to constantly hold myself to account.

And by the way, I'm married to a woman like you are who holds me to account.

She's like, do you read your books?

Yeah. Oh, that's what you're gonna write about?

Oh, that's interesting.

Oh, great, just like getting - Can't wait to read that.

Yeah, let's get people advice on how to be a good husband.

What's your relationship with saying no?

It's pretty bad. It's pretty bad, but I have a series of structures around me to make saying no easier.

I have people who work with me and a lot of times I don't know until later that there was something that I probably would have said yes to.

They know my tendencies.

I like adventures. So for example, we put in place in my entire work life with all of my colleagues, the people who run my organization, an algorithm.

So every good business, every startup has multiple objectives.

And it's very important to be very explicit about the objectives, and then to put them in order so that you have an order of operations.

The order of operations is fundamental.

So you're not doing things out of order and then ultimately doing things that are, that go against your values or that make you unhappy or wreck your business.

So we have really four things that we wanna do, and here's the order.

I want my work to glorify God.

I want my work to serve others.

I want my work to be an adventure, and I want my work to, to make a living in that order.

So making a living comes last. Comes last. And that's a very privileged position, right?

Very privilege. There were times in my life when I was a professional musician where that couldn't have come last because rent was due, right?

And at this point in my life where I have a little bit more independence, it makes it easier.

But my organization, the people who run the organization, great people who are totally values aligned, they know that algorithm.

And they will turn stuff down, knowing that my brain chemistry, that my dopamine is designed to focus on number three, which is have an adventure.

That's my weakness.

I want to go, dude, I want to have fun.

I want to go to the Himalayas with rich roll and I want to hang out with the Dalai Lama and I want to have a great time, good, glorify God and serve others.

But fundamentally that was super fun.

Yeah. That was a blast. And somebody on your team told me when we were up there, like, oh my God, we had to turn down.

If you knew how much like money we had to turn down from all these speaking engagements that, you know, like coincided with the days of that trip.

It's better I don't know, but fundamentally, you know, somebody dangles something, it's a big adventure in front of me and I'm gonna wanna say yes.

I'm just gonna wanna say yes.

And so I have a protection, a layer of protection around me.

The people who work with me, who saved me from myself who will ask, is this gonna do one and two?

Is this doing one and two or not?

I mean, these are our fundamental values.

And that's what you need.

Everybody needs. We need to take care of each other.

We need to protect each other in this way.

And I realize this is a first -world problem, but I could make myself real miserable real fast. So I got a text from you.

Must've been, how long ago was it?

My relationship with time is messed up, but you texted me and said, listen, I'm putting together a small group of people.

We're gonna go to Dharmshallah, and we're gonna convene with the Dalai Lama.

Like, are you interested in coming?

And I was like, this is one of those moments.

You know, like this question is not gonna be posed to me ever again.

You know, I'm like, I don't know what I had planned for that particular period of time, but I was like, I'm definitely not gonna miss out on this.

And so thank you for that opportunity.

It was awesome. Julie and I joined you in your group and that was a truly transformative, and we found some hard about it.

who do we want to spend more time with and who's really going to get this thing?

So it's you and me, and Julie, and Rainn Wilson, who's our buddy, and who's a very deep guy.

I mean, Soulboom, what a great show that is, but that's the perfect person and we're friends.

We're going to have a good time, and he brought his wife and just a few people that could answer that.

Lisa Miller. Lisa Miller at Columbia University, who's one of the real world's leading experts of the neuroscience of metaphysical experiences.

And she's very personally, very religious as an observant Jew, wonderful person and just a handful of people, very different perspectives.

Sunya, Professor Sunya.

Sunya Lewin Marsky, who's not religious at all but who's done fundamental behavioral science on gathering data, on why it is that after you serve somebody else, you feel happier than when you serve yourself.

And you and I will be like, yeah, because God or something.

And she's being like, no, no, no. Yeah, I had her on the show and not that she went after you, but she challenged you on that panel where you share the stage with the monks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's a giant.

She's an absolute giant.

And this is what we need in this world is people who see things fundamentally differently and who are not just like, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

She's more about things in a material fashion more or when I would think about things in a more metaphysical fashion, and iron sharpens iron when you're looking for truth, as long as people have love for each other.

So you've been making this pilgrimage up to Dharamsala for many years, like 12 years at this point, annually.

You're going to see him.

Almost annually. I've been to Dharamsala about, by the way, you say Dharamsala because that's the Indian pronunciation and the Tibetan pronunciation is Dharamsala.

So both are correct in case people are wondering.

It's spelled with an H, but I know that it's pronounced without the H generally.

The Tibetans, Okay.

Anyway, in case our viewers are wondering why we're pronouncing it in a different way.

It's funny, I had like a disagreement with Julie before we went, I said, it's Dharm Sala, and she's like, no, it's Dharm Sala.

She showed me and it was spelled with a H.

And I was like, oh, I don't know why I always thought it was the other way.

Yeah, well, in - I feel better now.

No, and in Hindi, of course, there is no H because it's just all of the S sounds are shh in Hindi and in Sanskrit based languages and all the T sounds are tht sounds in Sanskrit secret based languages.

So a very common surname is Datar, D -A -T -A -R is Datar.

And so that's one of the, and that's the anyway.

So that's why there's a little bit of disagreement on this because of the translation into the English alphabet.

So what motivated you to make this first visit and why do you continue to go and spend time with him?

It's the Dalai Lama, and he's the world's most religious, very respected religious figure.

And it's just worthwhile any time anybody could have any amount of time in his presence is incredibly valuable and illuminating and reinforces the best that you've ever done in your life and thought and said, those impulses will be reinforced just by being in his loving presence.

He's a living Bodhisattva, he has a Buddha nature.

He is somebody that the Tibetan Buddhists believe could break out of samsara, the endless cycle of birth and rebirth, but chooses not to for the enlightenment and love of all living beings." I mean, who's gonna pass that up?

I mean, this beats Disney Land and - He's on round 14.

He's on round 14, exactly right.

And I went to see him for the first time because I made a, I was running a think tank in those days, the American Enterprise Institute, which is a public policy think tank in Washington, D .C., very nutty, crunchy, talking about better policy, better defense policy, better economic policy.

But I was making a list of people that I really personally wanted to meet where I wanted to bring their perspective to what I thought was the policy debates.

And so I went to, I got an audience with Adal and Lama, I had to go there.

I got an hour and a half of his time and I flew to...

I mean, Dharamsala is hard to get to and so flew to India.

I did a bunch of meetings there.

And then there were no flights to Dharamsala in those days.

So we drove hours and hours and hours.

we almost hit a goat.

I mean, it was just harrowing right on Indian roads.

It's, it's you've, it's, yeah.

It's an experience.

And in his presence talking to him for 90 minutes, there was a, he, when I met him, you know, in his little drawing room, in his home, he looked at me and he knew me.

And it's as if he had known me for a long time and he said, hello old friend.

I thought that's just the way he talks.

And they said, nuh -uh, old friend.

And I wanted to know what that meant.

And in the first 90 minutes, I got a little bit of insight into what he actually meant because he knew me, so he seemed like he knew me so deeply.

I invited him to come to the United States and I hosted him for a series of conferences in the United States around economic policies, around how we're supposed to bring more love and enlightenment to the hustle and bustle to and fro of making actual federal policy because.

How did that go over with the AEI inside the Beltway Crowd?

They were, everybody was fascinated by it.

Everybody was fascinated by it.

We got this bumper crops and tons of journalists and why is the president of the American Enterprise Institute hanging out with the Dalai Lama, which was you know, big vanity fair spread about it.

The whole thing, it was just a lot of curiosity is the way that that worked.

But it was opening up my mind in ways that my mind had not been open before.

So I felt an intense and deep kind of love that I haven't felt with people outside of my family.

And so I went back and invited him to the States.

I hosted him a bunch of times in the United States.

And I went to have conferences with him and personal time with him in Dharam Salah.

We made a documentary film together at one point, we co -authored some articles together, which was an incredibly interesting experience.

And the result was that I love him.

He has deepened my understanding of what it means to be a human on earth.

He's helped me to be, I think a better person and a more well -rounded person.

And I feel like it's somebody that I truly have known for, I just don't know how long and under what circumstances.

Yeah. So when he says, hello, old friend, like, how do you decode that?

What do you make of that?

It's hard to say except that he has a perspective as a living bodhisattva across multiple lifetimes according to his beliefs and one has to interpret it as such. I don't know how to assess that.

You know, I don't have that special insight.

I don't even have a religion that admits those ideas but it doesn't matter because when you're with him what matters is the intense love of the commonality of human experience.

The guru that he's becoming to you in that moment and telling you things that ultimately you need to hear.

So we arrived in Dharamsala and the evening before the first session at dinner.

You make a big pronouncement about how you've done this many times and here's what I've learned.

And what I've learned is I have a structure that I'm going to kind of apply to try to guide these conversations in a certain direction.

But I've learned that the Dalai Lama has his own mind up about like what he wants to share, right?

And that was exactly the experience.

In classic Arthur Brooks fashion, and you show up looking fabulous and you spin a whole yarn about like where we are and where we're gonna go and this is what it's gonna look like and the whole thing, right?

And my sense was that he kind of looked around the room and tried to kind of figure out where everybody is at, emotionally and spiritually, and just sort of made a decision about what he wanted to share and what he thought like we could receive.

Yeah, you know, I crafted 45 plays for the beginning of the game.

And he came out and just like, ran a trick play.

Not so much a trick play because you knew the trick play was coming, right?

Yeah, I know the trick play was coming.

So I guess I've shared about this experience on the podcast before, but essentially every answer to every question was some version of love, more love, unconditional love, the unconditional love that a mother has for a child, right?

Like that's sort of the answer to every question On this trip.

On this trip. So I guess I was going to ask like on your previous trips or other experiences with him, was that the answer also or it was different with different groups in different contexts?

He always talks about love to be sure.

He always talks about warm heartedness.

He always talks about how, you know, the dissent and hatred and conflict in the world is an opportunity for all of us to live up to our true nature which is of love for all beings.

But he does it in different ways.

Because he looks around and he says, I was like, Arthur has something he needs to hear right now and he's gonna hear it.

I don't really care what he asks.

You know, he get asked about, you know.

The questions were irrelevant.

It's right. It's like, you know, and they were really well thought out, you know, no. You put a lot of time into it and you delivered them very charismatic.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

And he was like, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. This is Arthur needs to hear.

And by the way, Arthur is here with these people because together they need to hear this.

And he was telling us not the answers, but he was, is, he doesn't actually at the level of a Bodhisattva.

When you're in the presence of a person with a living Buddha nature, they don't answer questions.

They provide understanding to the true questions that are written on your heart, whether you knew it or not.

That's what they're doing.

So we go in and you were wondering about love and so was I, and we were wondering about the nature of a lot of different things.

And he coalesced it around a certain kind of understanding that created this temperature and then he developed it more.

And I know what my job is.

My job is not to ask the right questions.

My job is to interpret what he's saying.

And so I've done this so many times with him at this point that at the end, when I know he's finished, then he'll look at me like this.

And now I know it's time for me to say, here are the six things that the dollar mom was trying to get us to understand today.

And the first time that I did that, it was kind of after, I didn't remember doing it later.

and I asked somebody about it.

And they said, no, no, no, this is what happens.

You were his translator on this day.

This is what he does.

And now I get to the point where I just look until I can see that it's time for me to translate into the language that my companions can understand most readily the message of the Dalai Lama on this particular day.

And can you recite or recall your wrap up from.

I can't exactly at this point because there's almost an out -of -body experience, but it's all the different ways that love is made manifest in our lives.

Remember that when you're in a position of hostility with another person, this is your opportunity to show love.

This is not your obligation to show love, this is your opportunity to show love because in so doing, you're going to be the person that you were supposed to be.

You'll understand yourself more deeply.

The fact that there's opposition in front of you is because it's time for you to learn this.

Don't miss the opportunity.

That's typically the lesson that he's trying to bring to us and that will just, and I don't know why suddenly I'm able to come up with this, but because this is what he's telling me.

And how did that message translate into behavior change for you, in the wake of that?

It's fundamental because I like everybody else.

Like I was working in Washington DC and I was running a think tank in Washington, DC, and I'm doing economic policy and I was in the back and forth of political battles, just like anybody else.

And subsequent to working with the Dalai Lama, I changed my approach. I changed my approach to this.

I look at political dissent now as an opportunity for us to understand each other at a much deeper level.

I'm just not getting involved in ordinary political battles.

I started to move away from anything like the culture war, Because I want more love, not less.

I want the conflagrations in politics to actually lead us to understand each other at a deeper level and to accept each other and to see the weaknesses and the foibles that all of us actually have and the insecurities that we have so that we can, we can have greater compassion for one another.

And that's what he helped me to understand.

I didn't know I was going to see him.

It turns out that's why.

I left the world of Washington DC ultimately because I wanted to spend the rest of my life, as I said, lifting people up to bring them together in bonds of happiness and love, using the science that is my background and that Ali Lama was in the middle of that.

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Hearing him talk about the unconditional love of a mother for a child was, I shared this with you, but like it was sort of deeply confronting to me because I have a problematic relationship with my mother who now is suffering from dementia.

But obviously, that was exactly what I needed to hear.

And this is the sort of, project of healing that I've been on right now.

I have to heal for myself.

Tell me more about that.

Did you realize that your mother did have unconditional love for you?

That went unrecognized?

Yes. But I get caught up in the story, the story of a grief med or whatever.

And I can point to this and that.

And I'm the one who suffers as a result of that, right?

And I'm not in a position to have any kind of direct healing experience with her because of her condition now.

So the onus is on me to resolve that internally and then demonstrate it externally, which I've been in the process of doing.

I was in Washington the day after the election actually visiting with my parents.

And I had an amazing experience with my mother or where I was able to express unconditional love and gratitude to her in a way that I don't know that I ever had before.

And in a way that would not have been possible had I not been on that trip with you.

Had you not invited me on that trip.

And it was incredibly healing.

And it was also an amazing experience for my father who was present for that, to just witness that.

You know, I thought, I think that it went a long way and I still have work to do, But it was an incredibly healing experience that I think to the extent that she could hear it behind the condition from which she suffers.

And I know that she did, I know that inside she could feel it and hear it, but like also for me to be able to just do that, was so incredibly meaningful and so liberating.

People are imperfect.

I mean, we're just all perfect.

Like, now we're the age that our parents were when we were young adults and they're like, oh, hey, that's like terrible.

And now we're that age.

I know. And then we have kids who are like, we were looking at us going.

I look at them and I'm like, what are they really thinking?

And the unconditional love from your mother or from my mother from our parents that was problematic because they're complicated people and we were helpless.

and the resentment that came because of the, because of the style of the love, and when we were messing us up, and we were so helpless, and then it comes around, and we have this grace and an opportunity to show unconditional love when they're helpless.

Because now your mother's helpless.

Your mother's a child, and you're the adult, and you have the opportunity to show this unconditional love as imperfectly as it is, but it requires letting go of that thing, you know, the old South Indian monkey trap reference.

Yeah. What is that?

In South India, there's the way that they catch monkeys is that you have a box that has a hole in it that's just big enough that a monkey can put his little hand in there and they put a bottle of rice in the box.

And a monkey will come along and say rice, I like rice and puts his hand in to get it and to grab it.

But when it's in his fist, he can't get his hand out.

The monkey won't let go.

And they just walk up to the monkey and grab the monkey.

Wow. That's us. This is us.

If you don't let go of that ball of rice, which is your resentment, and your anger, and your memories, forgiving is letting go of the ball of rice.

And this is the opportunity.

When you recognize the unconditional love that was so imperfect in your mother, that was so imperfectly expressed because she's human.

You're just going to hold onto that ball of rice until it's too late.

And the Dalai Lama was helping you to let go of the ball of rice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was an incredible gift. Yeah, I know.

It's just, and he's a gift of humanity and on his 14th path.

It was amazing to get to know some of the monks also and to discover that so many of them have like PhDs from American universities and are much more worldly than you would imagine and have made this choice, to live this life.

And most of them, at least I think all the ones I talked to at some point had to flee Tibet and there're sort of a diaspora of them across India but their joyfulness is infectious and undeniable.

Yeah, monastics in every tradition are like this.

And so if you meet, you know, cloistered nuns, which if they're cloistered, you probably wouldn't.

But if you talk to monks, for example, Catholic monks, or monks in almost any tradition, there's a deep joy that comes from the contemplative tradition that really comes from in this intense relationship with God, this relationship that comes from paying attention to what really matters all day long, from not being distracted from it.

did you come with me up into the way, way into the forest to meet the, we met a hermit on that trip.

A guy has been living by himself in one room for 27 years.

And he only rarely, every couple of years see his visitors and I went and talked to him.

I interviewed him. I actually wrote up one of my columns about what it's like to be this hermit.

He's just, he's so happy.

He's so happy. All he, he lives in, you know, his room is Matt and then he cooks his meals out on his porch. And he's got about 50 books in Tibetan about Buddhism.

And he reads the sacred scriptures and he meditates pretty much all day, every day, people bring him food, people from his community bring him food.

And his job is to pray for the world.

That's what monastics do and to help people understand through his prayer their relationship with God.

And it's this joy that they actually get this joy that you actually see from people who are trying to do that.

Now you can say to yourself, all right man, I got a job.

I got to pay the rent.

But we all need more of the monastic in us.

And that means doing the work of trying to understand the divine better, of reading the sacred scriptures, of participating in a contemplative tradition.

And one of the interesting things about my relationship with the Dalai Lama and his monks has done for me is it's made me a much more serious Catholic than it has been in the past. And early on, you know, people go to Dharamsala and they say, I'm gonna become a Buddhist, and the Dalai Lama's like, no, no. You Westerners, the reason that you're meditating is cause you wanna feel better.

You're missing the point.

You're just getting all spaced out cause you wanna feel better.

The point of meditation is to make the world feel better.

That's the point of meditation, I don't understand.

Well, get with it man.

And so the Dalai Lama told me on one of my first trips He says, I want you to be a better Catholic.

I gave him a rosary that was blessed by the Holy Father, by the Pope.

And he kissed it, and he said, I want you to be a better Catholic.

I said, well, all right then.

And, I learned a much better contemplative technique by actually studying meditation with his monks, which is what I use when I pray my Catholic rosary every day.

And one of the reasons that I attend mass every morning to start my day when it's still dark is because I followed that injunction with great seriousness.

I am a Catholic, and he wants me to be a Catholic.

Do you have any internal conflicts that you have to resolve around the differences in spiritual perspectives between Buddhism and Catholicism?

Less than I ever thought I would.

Interestingly, I mean, there are big differences.

I mean, Buddhism is non -theistic.

Yeah. And Catholicism, I mean the Abrahamic religions and the karmic religions are, there's a lot of difference between them to be sure.

But the whole point is what I've realized is I don't have to resolve that.

It's just not my responsibility.

It's not a good use of my time to try to resolve that.

That's as they say, it's above my pay grade.

What I'm trying to do is I'm trying to bring more love and happiness to the world through my contemplative tradition, through my professional practice, as getting back to my scheme and my career, what am I really trying to do?

I'm trying to bring the world together in more bonds of happiness and love doing what I'm doing.

And part of what I do is to become a better professional and to right speak and teach. But part of it is to be on my knees every day in mass and to be praying my rosary at night.

And the Dalai Lama led me on that path of righteousness.

Most interestingly, what's the resolution between the traditions?

I don't know. And I'm less interested in finding out That needs to be.

There also seems to be an internal conflict between science and faith.

Science is the devotion to better understanding through practical methodology whereas faith is about relinquishing the need to understand fundamentally like on some level.

And many people see these things as being at odds with each other.

But for me, and I'm curious about your perspective, like the more you learn and understand, the more magical and mystical and amazing and mysterious everything seems to be, right?

I feel like these things actually compliment each other.

Completely, completely, absolutely.

I mean, the more I learn about science, the more religious I am.

The more religious I am, the more I care about science.

And part of the reason is because, I think of it this way.

If I were an art historian and I were an expert in Picasso, I'd have to have exhaustive knowledge about Picasso's paintings and about Picasso, but I couldn't find out anything about Picasso the man by just looking at his paintings.

I can look at Guernica all day long and say, he's not in there.

Picasso's not in there.

Picasso the man is not in his paintings.

The creator and the creation are complimentary, but they require different disciplines to understand.

Religion brings you understanding, science brings you answers.

These things compliment each other, it's fundamentally unintellectual.

It's disgraceful that we would say that these things are mutually exclusive.

It's a misunderstanding of the universe.

So when somebody comes to you and says, a scientist says, you know, I'm not a religious person because there's no proof of God.

Like how can you? If you can't prove it, I don't believe it.

Right, I say that you're, you're looking at it from the wrong direction.

You're trying to look into the Picasso painting and saying there is no Picasso.

It's like the Soviet cosmonauts in the 1960s and this great coup against the religious West were orbiting the earth, pointing a super telescope out into space and came back declaring we didn't see God so he doesn't exist. And that's laughably, that's ludicrous to anybody who's in any way religious at all.

That's what that's doing.

Now again, there aren't many scientists who say that.

I talked to, I mean, I'll have a lot of colleagues who are atheists, for sure.

They're very committed atheists.

On the basis of their belief that there is no God.

On the basis of the belief that it really is all material.

They might be right.

They actually might be right.

The whole point is we don't know because it's a non -testable hypothesis.

We can't know. And that's not where I'm actually choosing to put my intention or I'm choosing to put my practice.

Because I think that there is more.

Can I prove it? I can bring a lot of evidence to bear on my science.

but the miracle of faith is belief without evidence.

And that's an entirely different kettle of fish, but one that's complimentary to what we're actually trying to do in the scientific realm.

Pete Holmes has a great joke about this.

Do you know who Pete Holmes is?

I was comedian, deeply spiritual, I should know.

Yeah, I'll send you down the Pete Holmes rabbit hole.

After this, you would love this guy.

Anyway, he has a joke that's a version of your Picasso example, which is like asking or demanding proof of God is sort of like asking Harry Potter for evidence of J .K.

Rowling. Yeah, that's exactly the same.

That's just a funnier way of putting it.

Where is J .K. Rowling in this story of Harry Potter?

So she doesn't exist?

If you hear from Harry Potter's point of view.

Yeah. Yeah. There's no evidence.

So obviously she doesn't exist. No, no. When you put it that way, people can more or less understand it.

Now, that doesn't mean, given the fact that I can't find evidence of God given the empirical methods that we have as in science.

It's possible that God doesn't exist. But the truth of the matter is that it's entirely legitimate even using scientific methods to say there's enough evidence that there's something more out there.

There's something more out there and grappling for different ways to find an experience of the divine, a deep understanding of the divine, And all of the really important things in life, by the way, not just God, have understanding without answers.

So I'll give you an example.

Here's a question, Rich. Why do you love Julie?

Well, I think there's a series of reductive answers to that.

Like I could name a bunch of qualities, et cetera.

But fundamentally the real reason is ineffable.

That's it. See this is it.

See, there's a whole realm of human experience that's ineffable.

that's only based on understanding without answers you can articulate.

That's super important.

You'll never find the meaning of your life if you're trying to live in the realm of answers you can articulate.

You need to dig around in the soil of the questions that don't have answers you can articulate but to which you can actually get understanding.

Most of the karmic traditions, by the way, are taught to the novice monks through questions, You know, if you go to a Zen monastery, a novice monk will be given a bunch of koans.

Koans are riddles, and it'll say something like, okay, contemplate this question.

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Like it's nonsense, no, no, no. The contemplation of that question will give you an understanding of a fundamental underlying answer that you'll never be able to articulate.

That to me is evidence of God.

It's also evidence of my love for my wife, which of course is a simulacrum for my love of God.

My experience of it in daily life.

The fact that I can't articulate it is divine.

That's the magic. We're on the precipice of yet another Valentine's day, people are thinking about their romantic relationships.

That obligatory day on the calendar where we have to kind of show up and do the thing.

I have all this resentment about that.

Yeah, for sure. That's another issue.

Mother's day, you know, Hallmark bars.

It is the occasion of like, how are we thinking about romantic love?

Right. Where are instincts leading us astray?

And you know, how should we kind of orient ourselves around like, you know, our partnerships with the people that we're involved with?

These are the deepest and most intimate links that we have in our lives is our romantic partnerships.

And they're unbelievably important.

They're cognitively, incredibly impactful.

They're super powerful.

They're blissful and miserable at the same time.

This is the 4th of July inside your head, basically.

And they can bring you from the highest highs to the lowest lows in hours, even if you've been married for decades.

It's just the most incredible thing, And yet they're harder and harder to figure out for a lot of young people today.

We're fine that people are about half as likely to get married in their 20s as they were in the 1980s.

They're half as likely to be cohabitating.

Outside of marriage they're less likely, a lot less likely to be having sex. They're less likely to even say that they're in love.

And so there's a, there's a love depression that's going on.

And a lot of my work is going into why and what do we do?

And how do we fix it?

What is behind that?

So, you find that threat history that romantic love waxes and wanes, and to no smaller extent, it's a cultural phenomenon, and what we've been finding, particularly over the past 10 years, is there's been a lot of antipathy, a lot of activism that's turned the sexes against each other.

Men and women don't trust each other.

There's a lot of politics out there about talking about how their bad, their predatory, their exploitative.

And when I say they, I'm not specifying the gender because you can find it on both sides.

And so there's a lot of people in the culture war that are doing a lot of harm for young people and making it harder for them to form relationships.

And that's a bad thing to do.

That's just straight up a bad thing to do because more romantic love means more happiness.

It means more families.

It means more babies.

and all that stuff's awesome for human flourishing.

But then of course, there is the explanation that a lot of people are watching us are thinking of right now, which is the technological mediation, which has been tearing people apart.

It's just getting harder and harder and harder.

When you don't meet people in real life, you're less likely to form a deep human bond.

That's just, it doesn't matter how efficient your dating app is, it's just not gonna be a substitute for the relationship that you have another person.

Look, there's a reason that you don't do your podcast or resume.

And the reason is because we have a better conversation when we have eye contact.

And I could explain the neurobiology behind it, the oxytocin that we produce when we actually have eye contact as part of evolution so that we can link to each other as friends and kin.

But the neurobiology doesn't matter.

We know that you have a deep human connection and when it's a romantic connection between two people who could conceivably fall in love and you're trying to intermediate it with a dating app or social media or anything on the internet, you're gonna short circuit that thing and you can get big problems. Well, we're in the midst of it already.

It's not like it's coming.

It's here. 62 % of relationships now start over the apps.

Yeah, I've got two points.

They're 29 and 28 and, you know, they come home and share tales of the dating apps.

And you know, this is basically the primary way in which young people interface with dating.

And, you know, my boys there, they're not anti -social.

Like they're out in the world.

They've got lots of friends.

They're at, you know, bars and parties and dinner parties.

Like, it's not like as if they don't have other ways to meet people or, you know, meet potential partners.

And yet they still, you know, intermediate that dynamic through the apps.

Because that's how it gets done is credit on everything.

It's the easiest way to meet other people.

And so it's crowded out everything else.

It's basically, I think of dating apps and dating as the VHS tapes, right?

That it was a substandard technology that crowded out everything else because of market conditions and because of ease and convenience.

That's what's happened.

A worse technology crowded out better technologies because of market conditions under under the certain circumstances that we see today.

That's basically what's going on here.

It's crowded out. It's a bad thing.

It's a lousy way to meet people that tends to be extremely ruthlessly efficient.

And so it's just basically eradicated matchmaking and meeting through friends and talking to people in bars and having your friends set you up on blind dates.

By the way, your friends setting you up on blind dates, that's the single best way for you to meet somebody who could be your soulmate.

It's a single best way.

Is there like some kind of study that establishes that?

Yeah, absolutely. And there's a reason for that, well, so I mean - Usually those dates go horribly wrong.

Yeah, but that means you need more deal flow, you need to do more of them, is the way that that works.

But here's the reason.

Your friends, they know you.

They know who's somebody who is a good enough match, but a big enough compliment, who's different enough from you.

And so we have a sense about how people are gonna match up together.

We can't quite articulate it.

This is ineffable, because love, as we've talked about before, is not an answered question, it's an understood question, and your friends really get this or your family members really get this.

I want somebody who's got the, I think she's right for rich, how come?

Because she's close enough to his values and his beliefs, but she's far enough apart that they're gonna fall in love and find each other interesting.

You can't do that when you're making your own dating profile.

Or just, I don't know why, but I just know.

Yeah. There's that intuition about this.

Yeah, I mean, it's so interesting because there's been some biological investigation about why you need somebody who's different enough.

You've heard about the famous T -shirt sniffing study - I don't think so.

From the mid 1990s.

So yeah, this is a great study where the scientists were trying to figure out whether or not you could distinguish whether somebody's a good possible mate for you to simply buy their smell.

And so on a college campus where they recruited a bunch of undergraduates cause they'll do anything for 20 bucks and they had these guys wear these T -shirts around for 48 hours for everything.

I think you did tell me this, but like yeah keep going.

And then they take off the T -shirts and they put them in shoe boxes and drill holes in the shoe boxes and they give them to random women to sniff the holes in the shoe boxes.

And then they rate the attractiveness of the person just based on the smell of the guys.

And it turns out that there's a super strong inverse correlation between how close they are immunologically to the smeller and the smelly and how attractive they find them.

In other words, the more different than he is immunologically from you, which you sense with the olfactory bulb in the brain, below your level of consciousness, the hotter you find him.

Now, there's a reason for that.

There's an evolutionary advantage to that.

Exactly, you want people who are really different.

This is called a major histocompatibility complex. And that's when you find somebody that's really different, your potential offspring have a better immunological repertoire against diseases.

and so that's why you wanna mate more with him just based on the smell, which you can sense in your olfactory bulb.

Okay now translate this into the modern milieu.

You want people, people who are different than you are hot to you.

They're different than you, but you're going to be adjudicating your mate matches on dating apps as people who are exactly like you.

These are the people who vote like you and they think Austin is a personality and they eat sriracha and whatever your thing is, right?

And pretty much you're dating your sibling, which is not hot.

Doesn't the pendulum always kind of swing back and find its balance, or do you feel like this is kind of a snowball rolling downhill that is just going to re -disaster?

No, it's going to get better.

Because when people won't voluntarily submit to misery forever, They won't submit to the baby boomer culture warriors that are trying to get people to not love each other.

They conscript them into some goofy culture war that they've got.

Young people are gonna fight back and stand up to the man.

Say, no, I'm gonna fall in love.

No, I wanna be happy.

And when they do that, you're gonna find that heterosexual young people are gonna be more sexually dichotomous.

You're gonna find that they're going to try going to be more attractive than they have been of late, where it's kind of uncool to be as attractive as possible.

You're gonna find that there's going to be more of that naturally, because people are trying to appeal to each other in sexual and romantic ways.

And that'll be a healthy thing.

So that'll be sorta the subtle way that people start to rebel against that, against the politics of loneliness and the politics of misery, which people our age have voiced the divine.

Yeah. A lot of young people today.

Well, I see that, I see that in the younger millennials and then the older Gen Z folks, like they are some of the more analog people that I know.

It is an act of rebellion.

Like I'm gonna get like a record player and I'm gonna buy vinyl and I don't have the apps on my phone.

Maybe I still have my account, but I only look at it once a day because you know, you kind of do have to have that for some level of social cohesion and connection with your friend, your peer group.

But to not be in that incessant scrolling that I find myself doing.

Like, I'm a bad example of it often.

And I think there's something really beautiful and cool about that.

And I think, to your kind of point around getting your head around young people and how do they find meaning and purpose and fulfillment?

What is unique to the younger generation that you can speak to?

So this is a generation that thinks more deeply and more profoundly about these bigger questions of life than our generation did.

Like we were just, let's get into the school and get the job in the career track and like I wasn't contemplating like life's larger questions until I was in crisis basically.

Yeah, well, part of the reason is because you didn't have to and this is important for us to understand.

And so what did your grandfather do for a living?

He worked at the electrical company in the Midwest, in Michigan.

And so, I bet you, he never said, I don't know the meaning of life.

I don't know the meaning of my life.

I bet he never had a big existential crisis.

And we actually understand why that is with our grandfathers.

They were bored all the time.

I mean, they didn't hate their jobs but their life, they didn't have any earbuds, They didn't have any podcasts, they were bored a lot.

They were pushing a plow or working at a factory or working at the electric company.

And a lot of their day was incredibly monotonous.

They didn't even have computers.

They were just doing this thing.

And so the result was that their brains were actually accessing certain structures that we now call the default mode network.

The default mode network is what turns on when you're kind of turned off.

And those structures are important for you to assess questions of meaning that have understanding without answers.

you need to be bored and for your mind to wander.

And so the more you're of a generation where you had a lot of boredom and when you and I were, when you and I were boys, there was a lot of, I mean, you were growing up in the suburbs of DC, right?

Yeah. And I was growing up in Seattle and we were just bored all the time.

And, and, and, you know, my mom would be like, don't watch Gilligan's Island, go outside.

And I'm like, I'm bored, but that's the point.

And so you're just doing stuff and the result is you have a very active default mode network And you're using the structures in your brain to access meaning without even trying.

Well, guess what? Our kids don't have that.

Young people, they don't have that because we have anti -boredom devices.

You and I are part of the anti -boredom economy because we're creating content that people can...

And I'm glad they have this content.

I mean, I'm glad they have this show, but the truth is that they need to turn off the podcast and stop scrolling.

And when you're at a light, don't look at your phone and let your default mode network actually turn on.

Because if you don't, then you're gonna have a big meaning crisis.

So the fact that a lot of people are saying, young people are saying, it's like, I wanna find meaning in my life, that's great news.

But it's also, that's evidence of the crisis.

That's evidence of the fact that we're denying people the ability to actually find these questions of meaning.

This is a big part of my research today is about the technological crisis of meaning in our society how it's changed our brains and what we can actually do about it, how people can intervene in this and stop it before it's too late in their lives?

It's this incredible act of rebellion that requires an unbelievable amount of discipline because basically what you're putting the onus on the individual, and the ask is, you have to put away this incredibly addictive thing that is calling your name at all hours of the day.

Well -being is a function of the systems of your environment.

Like, if you think of the blue zones, among the people who live the longest, they live in communities that are conducive to making the healthy best choice that is leading their life in a productive direction.

But everything about our modern culture is an antagonist of that, including our devices that maybe are at the peak of it, right?

Yeah, right now we're in peak addiction at this point.

And it's sort of like, yes we have to make these individual choices for ourselves or a generation has to make it for themselves, but fundamentally what is the responsibility of the organizations, the corporations, the regulatory bodies, the governments to protect us.

Or is it just on us, like how do we see our way forward?

So, that's a super good question because it becomes a public policy question.

It becomes about a self -governance question to be sure, but we see this pattern repeating all the time.

So when societies that never had alcohol in them suddenly have alcohol introduced, Everybody becomes really alcoholic, right?

It just rips through the societies.

And then they mature and they start saying, no. And, you know, new generations will be like, I'm not gonna do that.

That ruined, you know, three generations of my family.

And you get a lot less.

You over correct and you have, you know - Fundamentalism.

Yeah basically. And then it has to swing back or whatever and find its balance.

These mass addictions, they don't last. They don't, they actually don't last. And so the same thing with tobacco for example.

I mean, when our dads were boys, all men smoked.

They just all smoked.

And now, and you know, when I was a young guy, I was a musician, I smoked, but then I quit in my 20s.

And there's no chance, actually one of my sons, it's because he's a Marine, he was smoking, but you know, that's unusual for young people.

And so it's less and less and less likely because the society changes and it starts to recognize how deleterious these behaviors actually are.

but that's what's gonna happen, I predict, with these device addictions that are capturing our brains in all these sorts of ways.

Okay, but in the meantime, this is your question.

Before we get there organically, what's the responsibility?

Now, there's a lot of responsibility by the individual to take care of yourself, in the same way that, by the way, if you have a tendency in your family toward alcoholism, you have a responsibility to pay attention to this and not get addicted.

I mean, that's an ethical responsibility that you have, right?

If you're a parent, you have a responsibility to take care of your kids because the research is now unambiguous that these things, overuse of devices is extremely dangerous for your children, just is.

But there's also public policy we need to be thinking about.

My friend, Jonathon Haidt.

If you've had him on show, right?

Phenomenal. He's doing the best work, his new work.

I mean, that book is huge.

The anxious generation.

Every place, right?

And the reason is because, see, Jon Haidt's a visionary.

He's the most visionary social scientist of our time.

He always sees the thing that everybody's gonna be thinking three years ahead.

It's uncanny. The guy's like Jeremiah the total profit.

And it's so incredible how good he is at doing this.

And so what he's recognizing is that how bad this is and that we need public policy answers to this.

We need age limits that are a lot more rigorous and that are a lot older than they currently are.

they could actually do a whole lot of good, and we need to be thinking more creatively about these public policies.

The ripple effect of his work in that book is already, I mean, there are already like schools that are, you know, kind of banning cell phones during school hours.

These are table stakes, you know, the whole idea that you should ban phones from schools, duh, and it's so easy, you know, by, you know, governors could have, by executive order, it could say public schools in the state, you're not gonna be able to use cell phones during the school day in the public schools.

And then of course, he's the bad guy or she's the bad guy that, you know, then the superintendents can throw the governor under the bus and the principals can throw the superintendents under the bus and the parents are gonna freak out because the data on these experiments have shown the parents really freak out when the kids are freaking out but the kids like it better after 14 days, it takes two weeks.

As long as it applies to everybody.

It's mutual disarmament, it's day to end when it comes to, as opposed to the mutually assured destruction that we've got in cell phone use today, but the idea that you can have public schools and people sitting in the cafeteria, young kids, looking at their phones, as opposed to talking to each other, that is complete insanity.

And it's a self -imposed kind of misery.

It's totally irresponsible.

Well, the downstream dysfunction of all that is, you know, we can only begin to kind of imagine, But I know as our youngest is 16.

And so I'm kind of tapped into that age group.

You see a generation of people who've been reared on these devices.

And as a result, they have very little experience or not enough development in terms of like engaging with people one -on -one.

And they become kind of anxious or conflict averse not conflict averse just sort of averse like picking up the phone and calling somebody if they can text because it's just, it's less confrontational.

You know, like it's less anxiety producing or whatever.

And so they don't develop the skill to like interact with another human being.

And so back to the subject of dating and intimate relationships, like, you know, then there, then they're 21 and they're at a bar but they're all looking at their phones and they're not interacting with each other because they don't have the skill sets or the comfort with how to kind of navigate, you know, vulnerable, open, intimate conversation.

Right. So one of the ways that we can solve this inside families is to have family phone -free zones.

Like no phones at the table, no phones after 7 p .m. Right?

This is important such that we can actually mediate human contact, you know, we can have relationships with each other where we're talking to each other.

But the worst thing is when your adolescent is looking at his phone at the table, right?

And the reason inevitably is cuz so are you.

You're piquing at your phone underneath a table and did I get that text?

And what are they saying on social media?

Which is idiotic because the answer is nothing.

Nothing of importance.

Nothing that's even remotely as important as the conversation you might have with your teenage kid that would actually happen.

But once again, if you don't want them to do that, you shouldn't do that is what it comes down to.

So a lot of Gen xers and baby boomers are the ones that are providing the bad example on this.

In terms of dating particularly with millennials, Gen Z, the apps themselves create like an imbalance and inequity in terms of like matchmaking, right?

Like there's a whole world of discussion to be had around that.

And I don't wanna spend too much time on it, but it does produce a sort of despairing dilemma for a lot of people, especially when this is like the only way that people are like interacting in order to date.

Yeah, yeah. So each one of us has a bundle of benefits and costs in our personality and things that we bring to the table in a potential match, you know, having to do with our basic personality and the resources that we can actually bring to a match and our sense of humor and our relationship with God or whatever it happens to be, all these wonderful things and not so great things.

And when we meet in person, people can assess the full range of what we're bringing, of who we are as a person.

When you mediate it through an app, you're compressing that to a very small set of characteristics.

And so people who have the characteristics that are positive in that very small band are gonna be getting all of the action.

So this is a big, and what is that small band of characteristics, things that are easiest to display on the internet, which is largely looks and resources, how rich you are and where you live and how cool you are and how good looking you are.

And when you do that, then you're gonna probably take, whereas 70 % of men, for example, are data bowl, you're gonna take it down to 10 % of men who are basically data bowl.

Because the other ones are just not gonna be attractive as mediated by these mechanisms. And so they're gonna get all the hits from the women.

And so what you'll find is that it pretty interesting stuff that shows that men find 80 % of attractive women and women find 20 % of men attractive or something like that.

It's just like inverse proportion and it's upside down.

And so the result is you're gonna get these asymmetries, these incredible asymmetries, which it's not just bad for women, it's bad for men.

Because what it does is it torques the incentives of men to be next, next, next, next, next.

and men are not supposed to behave that way.

If a man who wants to be happy shouldn't have that much variety, because all that's going to do is it's going to create an addiction.

All it's going to do is going to torque the dopamine in his brain because there's this dopamine, one in the D -3 dopamine allele, for sexual variety, all that's going to get really, really, really good and wanting as much sexual varieties as you can possibly get and you'll just become an addict.

It's like living in a liquor store.

Yeah, meanwhile, from the female perspective for a desirable female, that person is gonna have just an unlimited capacity for as many...

There's gonna just be an unlimited amount of men who are gonna wanna date that person, right?

So it's working both ways in unproductive and unhealthy ways.

It hurts everybody.

But these platforms fundamentally are failing to serve like, you know, the vast majority of the people that are on them.

So at some point, it does feel like, look, it's not working for almost everybody who's on these platforms, right?

So something better has to come or there has to be, you know, kind of a paradigm shift because those people, you know, why would they stay there?

Like there has to be an alternative to this.

Of course the alternative is real life experience.

That's what the rebellion is going to be.

It's gonna be a rebellion to real life.

Things that can't go on forever won't, as a general rule.

And you find that the majority of people on the apps say that the apps are insufficient for meeting their needs.

That's what most people say and they regret the fact that most, that that's where they have to go to meet people to have a potential romantic relationship.

And when you're in a regret about it, then sooner or later you're actually gonna get rebellion against it is what we're actually gonna find.

The early data, by the way, there's a pretty interesting study that just came out that shows that couples who meet and ultimately marry based on the app, some are really, really successful.

But on average, they tend to be less stable marriages.

Those that started the apps.

Not really? Yeah, Yeah.

And we have enough data now because the apps have been around long enough to track these things?

Yeah, exactly. Right.

Exactly right. They're more likely to result in divorce if you've been on the app, so that doesn't mean, again, your results may vary.

You know, the people who are listening to us are like, I met my wife on the app, Does this mean they may divorce?

No, it just means that tends to be the case in a statistically significant fashion.

There was an empirical regularity that we see, for sure.

Which just means that they tend to be matches that are not quite as good.

Do you feel in any way that, you've seen the sort of trend around like the trad wife, like there's sort of a traditional values kind of ascendancy right now?

Is that in some way does it track that that is like a reaction or some kind of response to this dating up culture.

Yeah, sure. For sure.

Absolutely. It's what you'd always get.

You get it kind of a, sort of a techno utopianism is always answered by a kind of fundamentalism.

That's what you always get.

I mean, you get sort of this Amish behavior as a result of this modern society, the sucking all the life out of, and all the love, and all the interest, and all the adventure out of our relationship.

So let's go back to 1950 as the whole point.

or like 1860. American society is animated by fads and panics.

Fundamentally, American society is about fads and panics.

Not all societies are.

Every society has those pathologies, but that's ours.

So, this is the thing that we're all doing and nobody questions it.

This is the thing that we all believe.

Here's the thing we're all mad about right now.

Here's the thing that we're all afraid of.

Now, it's accelerated like the sort of life cycle of these things just happened.

It's just so rapid.

Yeah yeah and we're gonna look back on a lot of the stuff that most people think is just basic civilized views right now and we'll think of them as barbaric and 10 years, probably.

So it's one thing for you and I to talk about meaning, purpose and happiness as people who are in our kind of era of crystallized intelligence and we're looking, we're looking, we're looking backwards at our life and trying to make sense of things.

But as somebody who's now kind of directing your focus on younger people, or like what's different about how you talk about these issues with respect to that generation versus ours?

So when I'm talking, so the first book that I wrote about this was from strength to strength, that's how you and I met.

That was the first book that, that the first time I came on the show, we talked about that.

That made a big assumption, which is you're not perfect in terms of meaning of life, but you have a good concept of it.

That's not an assumption I can make with people in the mid 20s.

What you find is that the inflection point in generalized anxiety and clinical depression for people in their teens and twenties exactly follows the answer to the question, I feel like my life is meaningless.

And it tracks with data showing that when people stop looking for the meaning of their life.

Also, of course it's contemporaneous with the onset, with the sort of the critical mass of people living online.

So that's all these things are going together.

So when I'm talking about people in crisis in the second half of their life, or burning out running a mid life crisis, super strivers not knowing what they're gonna do, that's a different problem because that's predicated on the idea that you have an underlying sense of life's meaning that you can tap into and live in a different way.

I can't make that assumption with people in their 20s today.

So I have to go back to first principles.

That's why what I'm writing about right now is the meaning of your life and how to find it.

One of the big things that you actually need to do to understand about your brain, the practices you need to actually start adopting so that you'll open yourself up to questions of meaning and come to some sort of an understanding about it.

I think that there's a paralysis that ensues with young people when you throw words around like purpose and meaning businesses are like I'm supposed to know my purpose and what does that mean?

So I either feel bad about myself or guilty or less than or I'm just sort of confused.

I don't know what that even means is at that stage of life.

Yeah, for sure and so that's why it is so big that for the longest time, I would just talk about it in those terms and it is quite paralyzing.

So I'm writing a book about it right now that talks about actually what are the steps to go and find it, which starts off with confronting the fact that there is a problem, understanding neurophysiologically, what the problem is, talking about the things you need to stop doing in your life and then the practices that you need to actually admit the sources of purpose and meaning in your life.

And it's not straight forward because back in the Pleistocene, they'd have these problems. And even our grandfathers didn't have this problem because just daily life made it organic.

Some of it is still pretty straightforward. When I only have 10 minutes with young people, I'll talk about taking a little test, a little two question exam of whether or not you have a crisis in your life, and if you do, what to go in search of, two questions for example, I'll ask my students or my adult kids for that matter, why do you believe you're alive and for what would you give your life?

Because you find that people who have the greatest tangible sense, understanding of meaning of life, they have a sense of understanding about the why of their life and for what they give their life.

It's like being alive and not being alive.

This is one of the reasons that people who've been in combat roles in the military have such a strong sense of life's meaning because they've had to confront that without even asking those questions.

For what would you give your life?

Well, the Marines. But it's self -selecting in some regard. That is.

Because those are the kind of people that would go into the military, they already have a conviction around that.

Maybe. Although being the father of two Marines, I can tell you that a lot of them, and they go into the Marines because they want adventure and they come out having found meaning because they've addressed these particular questions.

So when I talk to my students, they're on average 28 years old or MBA students in Harvard. I say, one of your projects is gonna be to be thinking very, very deeply about your theory about why you're alive, which means how are you created and for what purpose?

That means writing a mission statement.

And what would you die happily for right now?

Happily. And that's a rough question for anybody, but for a young person, that's a very confronting question.

They find it super exciting to take it on.

They find it super exciting cause they don't have to do it right now.

It's like, this is the project.

And they're finally like, oh, I don't have to go find the meaning of my life.

I have to try to understand the answers to those questions, which is a lot more tangible than what they've been dealing with.

Why am I alive? And so what do I read?

I'll read this and read this and read this and talk to this person and start going and start a contemplative practice.

And you can start doing stuff to try to get the information that will give you some illumination around at least an understanding of those questions.

And that's progress, that feels less diffuse.

It feels less unanswerable.

Still a steep mountain to climb.

Those are hard numbers.

Meaning's brutal, man, meaning's brutal.

I mean, it's like, again this is the same thing.

It's like we, we can conceive of our death but we can't conceive of our non -existence.

There's your prefrontal cortex is not ideally designed to confront questions that have understanding but no answers.

This is one of the contemplative traditions.

They'll say, you know, to the junior monk, okay, for the next 40 years, chop wood and carry water.

Will you think about these Cohens?

You know, cause it's not straightforward. If you could move forward. As somebody who is in higher education but also came late to a life of academic interest, right?

How do you think about the state of education and what changes would you make knowing what you know about happiness and meaning and all these things, right?

That are so important and so vital yet aren't really part and parcel of any kind of curriculum.

And when we have these young, very plastic minds in the traditional education system that was established decades and decades ago in a very different world?

Like what changes would you make that you think would create better, more fulfilled humans?

Yeah, it's, what would create more fulfilled humans versus what would create more competent professionals is a different thing.

And so there's basically two parallel crises that we've gotten higher today.

And one is that it's become VOTEC, the higher it has become vocational, technical.

And I'm all about VOTEC by the way.

I think it's awesome and it's really good.

There should be two different kind of tracks, right?

Like, here's a path to a vocation and here's kind of like the deeper question.

How to be a happy person and like be functional in a great world.

A really good citizen, somebody who could really be a leader as opposed to, here's how you fix a diesel engine.

I think we need people who can fix diesel engines That's for sure and it's a very fulfilling thing to do.

But the whole idea that we've reduced a lot of higher ed to will they get a job and will they make money is a big problem.

The parallel track is people go to college to become indoctrinated and propagandized about a certain way of thinking is a decent person.

What to think is not what you should be getting in college.

How to think is what should be going on in college.

And so those two things have kind of enveloped the culture of higher education in a very deleterious way, particularly over the past 15 years.

Which is you got this activism and cancel culture and here's what you need to think which has been hugely problematic for mental health in particular, where you go to college and you realize you just didn't know your whole life what a victim you really are and how crummy your life actually is and how terrible all those people who don't think like you are and you're being activated to be angry and aggrieved and a victim.

That's a lot of what's going on in college today.

And that's a big problem.

The other side is I'm going to college because I'm going to study this because that's the way I'm going to get a job.

And I'm all about getting the job, et cetera, et cetera.

The college experience is supposed to be between those.

And, and that's a lot of what's been lost. Let's talk to people about how to think, what humanity is all about, what are the biggest questions?

What are the, what is the greatest that has been thought and said to quote Matthew Arnold about the real essence of culture itself.

You know, what will actually make you into the kind of person who can lead others to a life of greater happiness?

How can you become a more tolerant individual in a pluralistic society based on enlightenment values?

Crazy! That's like old -school man, but that's what we need to get back to and to militate against the two temptations of activism and utilitarianism.

Mm -hmm, yeah, on top of that is layered, all manner of social expectations around career trajectories and upward mobility also, right?

So it's sort of like you're 18, and you have to already know what it is that you wanna be pursuing and what you wanna be studying as if this is like a sort of proxy for the rest of your life.

Which is a recipe for unhappiness, quite frankly.

It is really interesting research, which goes back to the 1990s from a social psychologist at USC named John Driver.

He did work on professional trajectories that people have and he says there's four, there's four kinds of people, psychologically.

The first type is the type that all colleges think we are, which is called the linear career trajectories.

So you came out of Stanford, went to law school, and became a lawyer, and you'd change jobs every time you got a better lawyer gig that gave you more money, the more power, more admiration of other people and just linear.

That's what college treats people as in this utilitarian way.

There are also, there's the expert career trajectory, which your dad had or your grandfather had, which is, you know, you had stability in your life.

You didn't live to work, you worked to live and you had a home life and you did a good job and you got a 3 % raise every year.

And you just kind of stayed with the same thing for a long time.

That was my dad too.

There's the transitory career trajectory, which is I don't work to live at all.

I only work and I wouldn't if I didn't have to, I only do it because I got to pay the rent.

So now I'm gonna be a barista in Portland, Maine.

And I think I'll probably drive a moving truck out of Tucson for a while and, oh, I fell in love with a girl in San Diego, so I moved there.

That's what your parents are worried about, that's what everybody's parents are worried their kids are going to be.

But the big majority of creatives who are watching us and you and me, are called the spiral career trajectory.

where every seven to 12 years you get a new career of your own imagining that's based on all the things that you've learned and all the creativity you wanna bring to bear and all the things written on your soul that you wanna do next.

And life's an adventure man, your career is part of your life and it's a big adventure.

And one of the things that we're not good at in higher ed is preparing people for these spiral career trajectories that characterize the people that are most inflecting in our society, these are the people and they're not gonna be happy If they're set up as linears, they're gonna feel like losers.

And they're gonna feel like, I couldn't hold a job for more than 10 years and how come I burned out so early?

And yeah, it's true.

I gave up a really lucrative career as a lawyer so I could become an ultra marathon runner, it's a lot of money in that.

The truth is that's the way it had to happen, because that's the way you were designed.

And that's how you're gonna create your maximum value and a broad panoply of intellectual experiences and inputs in college will prepare you to do that in a wonderful way that will be empowering for you and inspirational to others.

When you think of all of your career changes and you know, kind of reimagining, like it feels amongst our generation to be somewhat radical.

But when I think of the younger generation, no, this is just normal.

Like when you're thinking about how you're going to speak to them, you're speaking their language with respect to this.

Like that's natural.

Yeah, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna work here for a while.

I'm gonna go down to Costa Rica and work on a mango farm or whatever.

And then it's like, it's no big deal, right?

Life is an adventure.

It doesn't have to be the pejorative of the barista, the bouncing around and kind of reacting to your life, but intentionally kind of curating your life around experiences in that way feels like the vernacular of.

Kind of, that's a little bit more of this transitory experience though, where people who are sort of checking out or they're rebelling against what they thought was the ultra careerism of their parent's generation, or are they going to be anti -careerism?

Which is that reaction is problematic on its face too, because that's not really a spiral.

That's not this idea of I'm gonna dedicate myself to real excellence, and then learn a new thing.

I get that. I guess what I'm getting at is more of conscious intentionality around how you're pursuing your life through experiences that are, that are creating growth and meaning.

And then when that, when you've kind of exasperated that, it's like, okay, onto the next thing, like I've learned what I needed to learn and like, and like, you know, you know, like my mental health isn't doing so well with this boss.

And so I have enough kind of self -respect to like step outside of this and go pursue it elsewhere.

And enough perspective to be able to do it.

And, you know, and again, not everybody can do that because that's a relatively.

Of course. For sure.

But to the extent that we can in college give people the wherewithal to think, not just about, I'm gonna quit because I don't like my boss, but I'm gonna have a series of experiences where I create value in different areas of life.

I'm gonna have a full life, I'm gonna be fully alive, and I'm gonna do something that really benefits humanity in all sorts of different ways.

I mean, these are the people that really do change life on earth the most, and that's what you need a college, a fully variegated intellectual experience at the higher ed level.

That's what colleges are supposed to do.

It's not for everybody, but for people who do it, man, they should be learning a lot about a lot of different things and having their mind blown in different ways so they can think, so they can learn how to think.

Yeah, I mean, the final thing I wanna kind of quickly cover before I release you back to your life.

This is awesome. It's related to this show.

On some level, like higher education is about risk mitigation, right?

And I've heard you talk about like your life is a startup, right?

And you have to pursue it entrepreneurally and in order to do that well, like you have to like sort of embrace risk.

So that's almost, you know, orthogonal to this idea.

Oh, you go to a college and like you're on a track and there's a certain like expectation whether it's an illusion or not of some level of security that is mitigating the risk of a very scary world that awaits you.

Yeah, it can be. It depends on what your perspective is going into the college experience.

And this is another big mistake that we're making in higher ed is making life safe.

On the contrary, college should be dangerous.

I don't mean dangerous, like you're gonna get drunk and fall out of a dorm window.

There's a lot of that too.

No it's stress testing.

This is not a safe space.

You should go into college and be like, holy cow, I don't know what I'm gonna hear in that class.

I don't know what nut job is gonna stand up and give me this radical opinion.

And I'm gonna go, that's awesome.

Come sit next to me, because I totally disagree.

That's what it's supposed to be, is intellectually dangerous.

That's what it's supposed to be about.

So you come out with this courage, you come out with this sense of fortitude, you come out with this sense of strength, of intellectual strength that you've got, where you can hear things that you disagree with and you can engage in a world that's full of dissension.

And that's not what we're finding.

People are going to college and getting safe spaces and trigger warnings.

And they're hearing that certain points of view are completely off limits.

And that's just dumb because it makes people weaker.

And that actually leads to the risk aversion that you're talking about.

We should have risk seekers going to college for precisely the reason that they don't know what they're gonna get.

Yeah, I'm hearing all of that.

and I'm agreeing with you and I also have an awareness like we're two older white guys talking about this.

You know what I mean?

Like it's, you know.

I know, I know, I know.

That's the case, but we're not two older white guys talking about this, we're two human beings talking about this.

And there's a lot that could stress test our basic paradigms. And we need that just as much as anybody else needs it.

We need to live in the idea of space.

So when I talk about a university that's intellectually dangerous, I don't mean within the parameters of my point of view.

I say all of it, man.

All of it, including the stuff that says that I'm the bad guy or whatever, whether I agree with it or not.

People need to be challenged is the bottom line.

I mean, I think for everybody's wellbeing, we need to sort of Susan David's thesis, like emotional resilience is a function of putting ourselves in uncomfortable situations.

And part of that is having our ideas challenged.

And, you know, even if the results of that experience is to strengthen what you already believed, you know, I think this is a critical aspect of like maturing in a healthy way.

Yeah, I have this great colleague at the Kennedy School, however his name was Tarek Masoud.

He's an Egyptian guy and he's a big thinker.

Man, he's fantastic intellectual.

He's the editor of the Journal of Democracy.

And he says that the University should be like a gym.

It's like a gym, you don't go to the gym to, you know, I feel no pain.

You don't go to the gym to not be stretched.

You go to the gym because something is uncomfortable so you will get stronger, that's the whole point.

And everybody should be able to go to the gym.

There should be a gym for everybody, that's this whole point.

And I think that's right, I think that's right.

And when we don't do that, then people get weaker.

When people get weaker, more flaccid intellectually, we have problems downstream that we're seeing in our society today, which is a complete lack of ability to listen with warm -heartedness to people who have different points of view is the polarization and the populism that we have on both sides, the political spectrum.

We have the fact that this, the ideologies, the polarized ideologies on campus are centrally responsible for the increase in mental illness that we see for young people of their anxiety, of their depression, those are things that actually come from this environment where you're convinced of grievance and victimization, and those are signs of intellectual weakness, and I think that we're responsible at higher Ed.

Yeah, when is this book going to be done and out there?

March of 26, God willing.

You know how books are.

I know, I'm in it myself.

Well hold the meaning of your life and how to find it.

And I'm in the, you know when you're writing a book, you remember in the sixties, there was that famous book called On Death And Dying by Elizabeth Kubler -Ross, the Swiss psychiatrist who talks about the stages of death and dying.

Those are the same stages as writing a book, right?

Right. There's like shock and then there's denial and then there's rage and then there's bargaining.

And then there's finally, there's acceptance.

Which space are you in?

I'm still in rage and denial.

I'm squarely in that camp right now.

It's deeply painful.

And you know, I'm like, why did I sign up to do this again?

I know, it seems so good.

It's always good when it's done and somehow it always does get done.

I like having written books.

I like how, yeah, I like having written them and then getting to go out and talk about them.

I know. The writing part.

I know, it's funny because books are still a cultural phenomenon and your life will be kind of, it's like your children.

They're punctuated around particular offspring and you're thinking, that's so anachronistic.

If you think about it so you write a book it's a huge best seller.

You have 500 ,000 people buy your book.

It's a blockbuster.

That's like an average week of your podcast. Yeah, but you killed yourself for multiple years to make it happen.

But there is a staying power that is indelible, I think with quotes and people are reading books more than ever right now.

I think they're not just relevant, they're crucial and important.

Yeah, again, no, no, no. It's an incredible phenomenon on that, that actually doesn't change.

And what a privilege it is to be able to do them.

Well, you're always welcome here.

Anytime you wanna come by and share your thoughts, I really enjoyed this today.

I just love this conversation with you.

I wish I saw you more, I wish I lived on the same coast, but doing your show is an opportunity to see my friend.

Yeah, excellent, man.

Well, I love you Arthur, and you've changed my life in many positive ways, and you're a mentor from afar and up close, and I really appreciate the work that you do and cherish the time that we spend together.

Thank you, Rich. I love you too.

You have a newsletter, right?

Now you have the art and science of happiness.

Yeah, it comes out every Monday morning at nine a .m. People can sign up for that.

Or get brooks .com. 500 words of ideas on how to live a happier life.

Yeah, cool. And everybody else, check out Arthur's books if you haven't already and his column in The Atlantic.

Thank you. Cheers, man.

Thank you. Thank you, Rich. Thanks.

That's it for today.

Thank you for listening.

I truly hope you enjoyed the conversation.

To learn more about today's guest, including links and resources related to everything discussed today, visit the episode page at richroll .com where you can find the entire podcast archive, as well as podcast merch, my books, Finding Ultra, Boising Change, and The Plant Power Way, as well as The Plant Power Meal Planner at meals .richroll .com.

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Peace, plants. Namaste.

[The Art and Science of Transcendence: Arthur Brooks on Happiness, Interdependence, and Meaning]-[Happiness Is A Direction: Harvard Professor Arthur Brooks On Navigating Crisis, Building Better Relationships, Finding Meaning, & What Actually Makes Us Happy]

📋 Summary

The Art and Science of Transcendence: A Conversation with Arthur Brooks

The Philosophy of Interdependence

Navigating Grief and Adversity

The Cognitive Dissonance of Death

The "Striver’s Lament" and the Search for Meaning

The Role of Contemplative Practice

Reclaiming Real-Life Connection

🎯Key Sentences

📝Key Phrases

📖 Transcript