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What are you most looking forward to in terms of being one of the hosts on Dear Haad Space?
Hearing directly from Headspace users, hearing their questions, you know, how they're navigating the crazy world we live in is a really big part of the community experience.
you. Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace.
Hi, everyone. We are back with another episode of Dear Headspace, a podcast where each week I sit down with a Headspace meditation teacher and we answer all of your questions.
I'm Robin Hopkins and I am one of the producers of Dear Headspace.
If I'm describing myself, I'm a lady with five jobs, two kids, one wife, and I am working on building a meditation practice.
And the emphasis is on the working on it part.
That's me. Eve? Well, thanks, Robin.
And I'll just start by saying that we're all a work in progress.
Oh, so true. And yeah, hi everyone.
My name is Eve Lewis Prieto and I am the Director of Teaching and one of our meditation and mindfulness teachers here at Headspace.
And I also actually am a mindfulness -based stress reduction teacher as well.
So seeing as many folks are coming to Headspace dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety, it's quite a useful tool to have.
It does seem like you're right in the right place, if you're asking me.
And I'm so excited to be sitting here with you today.
And I mean, before we get into our questions with people, what are you most looking forward to in terms of being one of the hosts on DeerHod Space?
A few things. One is having an in my real life conversation because we haven't done a lot of that, of course, over the last few years.
But Even before then, a lot of the work we were doing was mainly audio.
And so, you know, I would go into the studio and create sessions and meditations, but it would be very much like me in the studio on my own with my amazing sound engineer, Colleen.
And so just having some human contact is exciting.
The other is hearing directly from Headspace users.
Yes. I love hearing their questions.
I love hearing their thoughts, how they're navigating the crazy world we live in.
Well, Eve, obviously, I think we could sit here for about 17 hours and continue to chat, but we should get into the podcast.
So we have some, I don't know, I'm going to say fairly intense questions today, but I think they're all amazing questions.
We'll be talking about fear of death, how to handle crippling emotions, and what to do when a family member moves away.
so i think i am ready how about you eve let's do it okay all right question number one me and my brother are only a year and a half apart in age pretty much did everything together growing up and i would consider him my best friend even though with adulthood we spent less and less time together last
week he told us he's moving across the country and i'm more than happy for him pursuing his goals and doing what makes him happy but i'm also extremely sad thinking how the time we spend together will diminish especially with how far away he'll be So the question is, what can I do to embrace the sadness
so I can fully support him through this?
I know it's not easy for him and I definitely don't want to make it any harder.
Oh, that is, I mean, while you can feel his sadness, that's just such a sweet question.
Gosh, I can really relate to this question because I have a twin sister and I made the decision to come to L .A.
six years ago, which was probably one of the hardest decisions I've ever made.
and telling her without doubt was, she was the hardest person to tell because like Davis is saying, she's my best friend.
Uh, like his brother is his best friend and I felt so guilty leaving her.
Uh, we lived a mile away from each other.
I could easily just pop around to her house.
Yeah. It's been really tough.
Uh, so Davis, I really, I really, really can relate to how you're feeling and I'm sure how your brother's feeling as well and I'm sure you've talked a lot about his decision process and that's amazing to hear you say that you are happy for him and you feel really proud that he's made this decision to
go and pursue his goals I think something that really helped me and my sister navigate that decision was that you know nothing is for forever you know I it was a hard decision to make but it wasn't actually my sister that said this and I wish I could remember who it was that said look if you go it doesn't
mean that you're there for forever and you'll never be able to come back or see your family again and that just took so much of the pressure off.
A few things really helped us and of course this is super dependent on what he's going to be doing and of course traveling across country adds different complexities but my sister and I for the most part tried to agree we always tried to have something in the calendar to look forward to so whether that was me
going back or her coming here or we'd meet in the middle I remember my sister came out to LA for like three or four days because we did make this agreement that we would try and not go longer than I think I think it's about five months of course the pandemic changed that but it also opened up new forms
of communication it did too which I mean I can't think of anyone who is doing zoom meetings with their family before the pandemic no not at all and actually we probably spoke even more than we did already yeah during the pandemic and I think I've spoken to a lot of folks that um that's the same thing
because a we weren't going anywhere and there was a lot more time to to do those things so yeah the the having things to look forward to and recognizing that it would have been a really hard decision for him to make and that actually takes a lot of courage and a lot of guts to to move away yeah and then
in terms of a practice that I would actually recommend and you already touched on this Davis which is you said that you're really happy for him and I think that's really important so that in traditional teachings being happy for someone else is referred to as sympathetic joy so or essentially happiness
for others yeah where you take joy in the happiness of someone else and so whenever you're feeling sad or feeling you know you're going to really miss him just taking a moment to think I'm so proud of him I'm so happy for him that he's doing this and I want to support him in any way I can can just help
to take the edge off yeah and it can also allow you to actually really feel the emotions that you're feeling you know we don't want to feel sad and we don't want to feel you know a lot of these when I think back to being away from home you know of course in this case it's davis's brother but i feel
guilty yeah but then i remind myself that it's taken courage to do this and it's yeah it was a huge step to do that and then another practice uh which is called loving kindness uh could be really really supportive and we have some of those available in the app but you essentially send good wishes to
people in your life that you love and care for.
So that might be maybe you could do a practice as he's getting ready to go, which is, you know, may your journey be safe.
May your first few weeks go well.
Yeah. May you feel settled.
May you feel supported.
Yeah. And then you can actually offer those same loving kindness phrases to yourself.
So may I be well. May I be happy for my brother.
You know, remind yourself that it's okay to feel sadness like may I support myself during this difficult time can and you can use phrases that will resonate with you and that will feel supportive to you but that could be a really nice practice to do.
I feel like it's not easy to willfully say I'm gonna feel this sadness there's a natural instinct at least I know I have it to want to be like I don't like that that's icky I want that to go away absolutely you know but what what what I love about what you're saying is this idea of you're almost taking
the attention off yourself and putting it on the other person and yeah you know it's like it feels like a a way to almost I mean I hate to say trick yourself but like out of being like oh this stinks for me and and and moving but then you're also talking about acknowledgement like that seems like such
a nice coupling of actions.
Yeah. Like I think I said before, we don't like to experience sadness.
We don't like to experience difficult emotions, but actually you're sad because you have so much love for your brother and that's a really beautiful thing and you're going to miss him.
And that's a really beautiful thing.
You obviously don't want to spend all your time feeling sad and things, but it can also help to remind you and cherish the amazing memories that you two have together and that you're going to make new memories uh and i think that could be really exciting you'll get and harriet and i it's my sister we
got quite creative with you know so for example if we're in the uk we probably wouldn't have taken a trip to new york right it meant that we've we've been to new places together yeah and that's been exciting we've made new memories and i think when you are together because you will have more limited
time really as much as possible try not to put too much pressure on it being perfect because things it won't be it won't be but also use it as an opportunity to really be with your brother yeah really experience the time you have together rather than thinking we only have limited time so i have to cram
everything in uh can be can be helpful yeah it's like you're talking about intentionality yeah of coming in and just being like i'm just here to spend time with my person yeah and also let your brother know that you're going to miss him uh and of course you don't want him to you know feel bad about it
but that note he'll then you know I'm sure he knows you love him very much but that will make him feel the love from you and that you're there for him yeah as he is still there for you and like you said it's all changing and evolving like nothing is forever exactly and we're quite good as you know human beings
we're quite resilient in that sense like we do, even though change in the moment can feel really difficult, we do then get used to the new normal quite quickly.
And of course, there'll be a period of time where you're adjusting to him not being there.
But suddenly that will become the norm.
And then you'll start to, you know, appreciate and look forward to the times that you have together.
It's your new normal.
Yeah. I mean, look how quickly we adjusted in the pandemic.
Right. You know, who would have thunk?
Stay at home okay and it's amazing what we're able to do when forced like industries changed you know culture shifted yeah all of that was forced but we like you said we're resilient we changed yeah we adapt yeah all right well I I do hope Davis that you adapt and that you get a lot out of all the stuff
that you've just said um there's like a lot of wonderful advice in there yeah and thank you Davis I I my a lot of loving kindness towards you and your brother because I know this feeling it's difficult it's challenging but the fact that you're so close and that you love each other so much will really
support you during this period of change all right that was just such wonderful wonderful uh advice for davis and i i hope everything goes well for you davis as i know eve does as well i know and good luck to your brother as well and keep us posted you know don't be afraid to drop us a voicemail telling
us how how everything's going yeah we would love to hear exactly okay so let's roll into question number two shall we yes hi my name is noemi and i am the youngest of five born to mexican immigrants my parents joined a cult the year i was born so i was fully indoctrinated into the jehovah's witness
organization for a little over 20 years And during that time, my father, quote unquote, sinned and he was shunned.
And while growing up, I saw and participated in this practice of shunning.
Fast forward to my early 20s, I chose to leave the church and I was shunned myself.
And since then, I have had an estranged relationship with my mom and my sisters.
And admittedly so, I was in a state of avoidance for almost 20 years up until my father passed away and I was reunited with my family.
I believe that it was a very triggering experience.
On top of grieving my father's death, I was flooded with emotions about my relationship with my family.
And on top of that, I've become very anxious about becoming ill or getting cancer like my dad did.
And I feel unsafe in my body and afraid of death and sad that I don't have the support of my family.
And it seems that when it rains, it pours.
So I suppose my question is, when you feel so overwhelmed with emotions, where do you even start?
Ooh, Noemi, that's a really big question.
I mean, there's a lot in there, a lot going on for her.
Yeah. First of all, thank you, Noemi, for sending in your question.
And I just really want to acknowledge how much you shared.
And of course, there is a lot to unpack there.
I really want to make sure I'm addressing your fundamental question.
And as a trained meditation and mindfulness teacher, my experience and my training really speaks to how we can help navigate and regulate emotions when we might be experiencing overwhelm or high levels of stress and anxiety.
however I'm also not a therapist and so I would really hope or encourage that you're also potentially seeking support in addition to these practices that I'm going to share I think it can be really helpful to have someone who can listen and help you guide and navigate a lot of the challenges and difficulties
and in some cases maybe traumas that you've experienced I myself have engaged in therapy.
It's been very supportive to me over the years.
And it's been a very, very supportive tool in addition to my meditation and mindfulness.
So what I'm going to focus on is some tools and techniques to really help you manage that in the moment feeling of overwhelm.
so the first is deep breathing and a way to do this is to place a hand on your belly and you can either sit in a chair or lie down i think if you're doing this for the first time lying down might be a good idea and you really want to take a big deep breath in through your nose really feeling your belly
rise and then a deep breath out through your mouth and actually almost as if you're holding in your diaphragm the reason you want to take as big a breath as possible is that so you're using the full capacity of your lungs and these big slow deep breaths can actually send a signal to the brain that things
are okay so you kind of want to bring your you know the fight or flight offline another reason that's really helpful is because you're focusing on the breath focusing on one thing uh because when we're in a state of overwhelm or high stress high anxiety the rational part of our brain the thinking part
of our brain goes offline yeah so we aren't aren't actually able to have totally we aren't able to have you know rational thought we get we're in a state of panic so that's one see how that feels for you another one is to really try and stabilize yourself with your physical environment so that might be
starting off by feeling your feet on the floor really noticing shapes colors objects around you so you're grounding yourself right in the present moment like I can see the window I can feel the chair I can feel my feet I can feel my hands because often when we're in that state of panic we are not in the present
moment. And because we're in this treadmill of fear and overwhelm, it can be really helpful to just try and cut that loop.
You might want to look outside.
Even actually getting outside could also be very helpful.
Really grounding yourself in this moment can help to calm the nervous system down.
It's almost like triaging.
You need to, first, it's so high, we need to try to bring that down before you can do anything else.
Exactly. And actually, I mentioned about going outside and actually moving exercise walking can be a really helpful way to to calm us down because when our stress response is activated there's so much energy in the body and it hasn't got anywhere to go yeah you know really what you're trying to do here
is to just cut the the whether it's you know thoughts or images trying to cut that loop to bring us back to what's referred to as you know, homeostasis, like we're on an even keel.
And that can take about half an hour.
It makes sense. You're in extreme fight or flight feelings.
You're not going to just all of a sudden be like, all right, no, I'm good.
So that speaks to like being in the moment, like so overwhelmed.
You can't really think.
There are some, hopefully some tangible things that you can try.
Something that could be helpful is just reminding yourself it's okay to feel scared.
It's okay to feel fear and actually name that, I'm feeling fearful, I'm feeling scared, I'm feeling worried, can actually put a bit of space between you and what's actually happening and remind yourself that everyone's going to experience this, some in much greater detail than others.
A few other tools that you might find supportive, maybe you're already doing this already, perhaps journaling how you're feeling, writing things down.
other folks have um that i've spoken to over the years i've found actually through creativity so that might be like drawing could be even singing yeah uh you could do that as you're on a walk maybe of course it's not a you know one size fits all so try and see what works for you and you may not even
know what works for you until you try all kinds of different things like i love journaling i know that always works for me like i do like a morning pages and it's like just blurt it out type, don't stop.
So you have to experiment with a lot of different things.
You do. And the thing with journaling as well is try not to think too much about writing a perfect paragraph.
And that's the, by the way, that's the Artist's Way Morning Pages as well.
You are not supposed to, you're technically supposed to write by hand because they want you to slow your brain down.
But while I'm mentioning the Artist's Way, I should say what it is.
It's this incredible 12 week workshop.
It's almost like a workbook that helps to unlock the artist within.
And the idea is that anyone, you could be a lawyer, you could be a doctor, but you still have an artist's heart.
But you're not supposed to stop until you get to the bottom of it.
The idea being that you don't go back and fix things because it's just about, like you said, word vomit and getting it all out.
And that's also been a really helpful tool for me when I've had a lot of anger, actually, in various points in my life where things have been very difficult I've or I've had a very challenging relationship with someone and there's been a lot of hurt a lot of resentment a lot of anger and rather than trying
to lash out or say horrible things that person I've written out whether it's on an email on a book yeah and just actually putting it on a page means that I've let it out yeah and then I can step back and think it dissipates it dissipates and then you can find maybe more skillful ways of addressing the situation can be
can be really helpful and on that you don't have to read your journals you don't because i went back and read some and it was not pretty i was like this is embarrassing but but you know just knowing there there's so many different ways to do these things yes exactly and you know i think one of the important
things around especially when dealing with fear overwhelm is to try and create a space where you can feel safe yeah and so of course that's not always going to be possible depending on what you're dealing with and struggling with.
But in those moments of high overwhelm, trying to cultivate and create a space where you can feel that safety.
And then when things have calmed down, those tools like journaling, reminding yourself that it's okay to experience these things.
Even when you're in the moment, actually say, I'm feeling really fearful right now.
I'm feeling really scared.
I can just acknowledge it.
So Eve, because we just said a lot, can you give just a quick recap of the tools that would be helpful for Noemi?
Yes. So number one would be doing some deep breathing and we actually have some really great exercises in the Headspace app for that or what we call our SOS sessions.
The second is grounding yourself in your physical environment.
So that might be noticing sounds around you, feeling your feet on the floor, taking in what's in the space that you're in.
And then the third one could be going on a brisk walk.
When we're highly activated, highly anxious, there's a lot of energy in the body and just walking that out can be really helpful focusing on the movement of your body.
Amazing. And I know we said this, but we need to, I think it can't be said enough, but thank you for sharing such a personal question with us.
Because I mean, that's a lot to be going through.
Just try to be gentle with yourself.
Really, really try to be gentle.
It is a journey. Some days will feel way harder than others, but always try to remind yourself of the progress you've made.
But even being able to just ask this question just shows so much courage.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Well, thank you, Noemi.
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And we have just one more question.
I know. All right. i have a question about dreading a parent's death probably my greatest fear is my dad dying we've always been really close and i feel like he's the source of so much that's kind and safe in my life i can't contemplate him dying without getting tears in my eyes and feeling really low
this feels like an inappropriately strong response and i keep wondering what's wrong with me logically i know that death is part of life and it's the natural order of things for parents to die before children but emotionally that impending loss feels unbearable.
He's not at death's door or anything, but he's getting older and has some age -related health problems that worry me.
Do you have any tips for comforting myself when I experience intense anxiety about this?
And can you suggest ways of coming back to the present where my dad is still alive?
Claire, I just really felt that question.
I lost both my parents, so it's like that's a question that really, it gets to you.
It's a real concern.
I mean, these are the people who brought you into the world and whatever your relationship with your parent is, they're the only parents you have.
So it makes sense to be fearful about that or anxious about that.
Yeah. And Claire, I'm sorry that these are feelings that you're having.
I think when I was listening to your question, what really came through was just how much you love your dad and how much he is this inspiring character in your life and you've learned so much from him.
That's so beautiful because not everyone has that and I could really hear this special relationship coming through in your voice and I just think that's so beautiful and lovely.
I think we are all going to confront this one way or another in our life and it will be more intense for some of us and less intense for others, depending on, like you say, you know, the reason you are maybe having these feelings is because you're so worried about not having him in your life.
And again, that just speaks to how much you love him.
And unfortunately, life isn't permanent.
And as much as we sometimes trick ourselves into thinking it is, but for me, what that means is how can I make the most of the time that we do have and the fact that you are thinking of this right now Claire first of all I just want to normalize what you're experiencing please don't think for a second
that you shouldn't be thinking these things it's a very normal part as we get older especially as our parents get older we start to see that they may become a little bit more fragile health issues start to surface and so that can there can be a period of adjustment there especially if those health issues
have started to shake that foundation.
So a couple of things I think just yeah normalizing that you're feeling anxious you know so in a moment where you might be gripped by that anxiety unfortunately you know worrisome images or worrisome thoughts can activate our stress response and so we might actually feel very some physical symptoms
so that worry could really manifest in the body and actually only reinforce those feelings of intrepidation that you might have about your dad.
So you could try going for like a nice gentle walk and just bringing to mind a beautiful memory that you shared with your dad or something that he's taught you just to really essentially trying to shift those worrying distressing images out of the mind and replacing them with ones that feel really safe
and calming and loving i think a technique uh we often use a headspace is called the noting technique which can be really effective again addressing the thinking mind the cognition in our brains because just because we think something it doesn't mean it's going to happen right it doesn't mean it's true
and so we spend so much time rehearsing things that might happen or rehashing things that have happened and so we're not actually in the present moment so the managing anxiety course might be something that could be helpful to you you're not trying to get rid of those thoughts you're not trying to eliminate
them but instead recognizing when they're present and not allowing yourself to get super consumed by them and then I would really encourage you sounds like you have this beautiful relationship with your dad, just spend as much time with him as you can.
Yeah. Do things that you love together, make wonderful memories that you can cherish for forever and tell him that you love him.
Yeah. Tell him as much and as many times because not everyone has that chance.
And I think focus on being in the present with him.
Yeah. But whether we're talking about Claire or not Eve, there is an elephant in the room.
We are, I mean, and you touched on this a little bit earlier, but we are all going to die.
So should we prepare for it?
What are your thoughts on that?
Because it is a reality.
It is. And I think particularly in Western cultures, it's this super taboo topic, which means that when it does happen in your family, you can be totally caught off guard and not prepared in any way, shape or form.
I actually read a really beautiful article by a BBC journalist called Deborah James, who very sadly passed away recently.
She was in her 40s from bowel cancer.
And she campaigned and created a lot of awareness around not only her disease, but also in terms of making sure that you're checking and getting regular checkups.
Unfortunately, she did know that it wasn't curable.
Unfortunately, the treatment wasn't going to work for her.
And so she spent a lot of time actually really advocating that folks talked more about death and particularly with their loved ones having those conversations where you sit down and of course, this is not going to be a very easy breezy chat over a cup of tea necessarily, but maybe, but the thing is maybe
you can actually make it a bit more lighthearted.
So she made suggestions like chatting about how would you want your funeral to be?
like what music would you want what's the vibe would you want everyone wearing color would you want certain things to happen you know I my dad did pass away and it was very sudden and we hadn't had those conversations yeah it was it was much harder in putting things together and we had she had quite
a lot of arguments you know as a family about no he'd want this no this no that.
And I think she really advocated for having those conversations because in having those conversations, you are actually preparing and normalizing that this is something.
And at the same time, you can also talk about the things that you want to do together, that you want to spend time enjoying.
And so we shouldn't put death in the corner and never talk about it.
I think it's super, super important.
And I wish I'd been more prepared.
I think the idea of a funeral is to celebrate a person's life.
It is. And I will say that if you are a person who had a complicated relationship, which I did with my parents, there's a reframing that happens that there's no longer any negative things that can happen.
So I can just focus on all the wonderful things that we had, and I can learn to process and forget the things that weren't good.
So there are some nice things that can come out of it if you are attuned to seeing that yeah exactly I agree but Claire that's a lovely question and hopefully there's some some tools and takeaways that you can you can use oh well I am so honored that everyone shared all these personal stories with us
and so while these were specific questions to Claire and and Noemi and Davis I think that the advice that you gave and that we the things we were talking about will really resonate with everyone I know I heard myself and all the anxiety talk and in the stuff about death so yeah I hope so and something
I was thinking about as we've gone through these questions is that we are all part of this shared human experience and my hope is is that folks listening will maybe resonate more with with one or two of the questions than others but hopefully you'll start to see that we all do struggle and we all do
experience challenges in life and so that can really help to remind ourselves that we're not alone absolutely and for our listeners if you have questions for our teachers we would love to hear them and I do have to say this little bonus if we feature your question on the show you are going to get three
months of free headspace and you can use it you can give it to someone in your family that you feel might really value that and you're going to probably be asking, right, Eve, how do you record your question?
All you have to do is go to sayhi .chat slash dear headspace and you're going to follow the prompts and record your question.
But again, do not panic.
That link will be in the show notes.
Yes, please do send in your questions.
I absolutely love hearing from you and it helps it to feel like we are having a two -way conversation.
So don't hold back, Send them in and I'll be back in a few weeks to answer them again.
Yes, I'm looking forward to that.
And while I generally do not like this part where we have to say goodbye, I am looking forward to this last bit so that we can just sort of sit with what we talked about today.
Yes. We've obviously shared and discussed some quite intense, sometimes, you know, overwhelming topics and themes.
And so for the next couple of minutes, as we transition out of this episode, see if you can, wherever you're listening to this, whether it's in the car, whether you're at home, on the go, see if you can just spend the next couple of minutes just focusing on the present moment, just giving yourself a moment
to integrate everything that's been discussed and as you transition into the rest of your day.
So till next time, stay happy, stay healthy, and be kind to yourself and each other.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorensen.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohen, Baron Farmar, and Dani Crisomy.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kaysonga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, and Eve Lewis Prieto.
Sound recording and post -production is by Dan Kroll.
Music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Merguia.
And a very special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
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