Please note that this week's episode contains discussion about difficult topics like hopelessness that may bring up strong emotions for some listeners.
If you feel that hearing this content could potentially impact your mental well-being, please skip the third question.
Mysterious.
Hey everybody, it's Robin here with another episode of Dear Headspace and I am so excited to be sitting down with Dora and we are going to answer your questions about what to do when you're recovering from a major life event.
In this unfortunate case, we're talking about a home fire.
We also have a question about meditation and attempting to switch from guided to unguided meditation.
And lastly, we have a question about what to do when you feel hopeless.
And I have to say these are all important questions.
So let's get started.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Hi, Dora.
It is so lovely to see you today.
It has been a minute.
It has been a minute, but I'm excited to see you too.
I know, me too.
But you got to tell everybody where you've been and what you've been up to.
I was in India for the past month doing a yoga teacher training and it was the most incredible experience ever.
I imagine doing something so huge like that, so life altering.
Everybody wants some kind of summary from you.
And I can't imagine that's easy to do.
But like, what would be the thing you'd want to say, like your first instinct about the trip?
Yeah, all my previous perceptions about what yoga is were debunked.
Really?
Yeah, I intentionally went to this source to learn yoga.
I was supposed to do it back in 2019, but life happened, and so...
I was like, OK, maybe this is a redirection or opportunity for me to do it more intentionally.
And so when my friend told me about this program, I was like, all right, this is it.
It feels good.
Looks good.
Reviews are great.
I'm going to do it.
Oh, I love that.
And I just feel like that is the perfect place for us to just sort of transition into our first question.
And it is from Julie.
So take it away, Julie.
Hi, Headspace.
I'm Julie and I'm 17 years old from Norway.
20 months ago, my family and I experienced a house fire and we were very lucky that no one got hurt.
But I still sometimes get triggered by certain things like the smell of smoke or just being on the lot where my old house used to stand.
After the fire, we had to tear down the entire house and build up a new one, and in a couple of weeks from now we could finally move back in.
But I get super overwhelmed and stressed really easily during changes and transitions.
And I just wonder if you have any tips on how I can deal with this change and the stress I'm experiencing right now to make the transition a little bit easier.
Thank you for your question, Julie.
I mean Julie's talking about like major life events, like moving just in and of itself is a life event, but then to have that your home was destroyed.
And what really jumped out at me was she's triggered when she just stands on the lot, and now she's moving back into that home.
So it's like, what are your thoughts, Dora?
Yeah, I just want to say that in sending you and your family so much love and compassion, that's hard.
I
I grew up moving a lot, and so I don't have a connection to a family home.
But I know that homes carry so much, so many memories.
They shape who we are.
They define us.
And so I can't imagine what she's going through.
And it's interesting that part about being triggered by even the smell of smoke or being on the lot.
And I think it's one thing to understand what has gone on and like make sense of it.
But it's another thing to understand.
And so your body is still holding on to those memories of what happened.
And I think it's so important to take care of your body and whatever that looks like for you, whether it's going for a walk, whether it's seeing a therapist.
But making sure that you're attending to your body and honoring your body's needs as well, because that's a whole different ballgame.
It almost sounds like there's...
And I may be using this incorrectly, but like a little flight or fight response that's just coming up.
And when those things come up, it's so automatic.
How do we work with that, Dora?
Yeah, your nervous system.
And it's signaling to you like hey, you know, maybe we aren't safe or it's bringing you back to that moment.
And as someone living with trauma myself, I do a lot of work of reminding myself like all is well and I am safe.
And sometimes it's my mind that will go first.
Sometimes it's my body and I'll notice.
Okay, my shoulders are up here and I'm carrying a lot of tension in my fist.
My stomach is churning.
And I have to remind myself, like, I'm not experiencing what happened five years ago.
I'm in the present moment and I'm with my family or I'm at home and I'm safe.
So it's really about getting your body up to speed, but also slowing down and taking time to be present to what's going on within your body, because oftentimes you want to run away from that.
You want to escape from that.
You want to suppress it.
You know, I should be over this thing that happened.
But again, it's like.
A child tugging at the coat of its mom.
It's like, listen, you know, like there's something going on here.
And it's really important to see that and recognize that and do whatever it is within your means to attend to your body and your nervous system.
Again, nature for me has been a really great place of being able to soothe my nervous system.
So maybe for you, finding a place in nature that you can seek refuge in.
That's so interesting.
We've talked about this before, about understanding and knowing what your triggers are.
That, like that you said your shoulders are up, or like I think that distinction that you made about, like that sometimes it's your mind goes first and sometimes it's your body.
I did something really like I'm yelling at someone for absolutely no reason.
I'm like, well, that was uncalled for Robin.
And it's like, and then it's like, what's going on?
Yeah, yeah.
And I'll say two things.
The first thing is sometimes awareness is enough.
And I share this with my MBSR students a lot of like when they come to the practice.
They can be really hard on themselves for noticing what's going on in their mind.
My mind is so restless.
And I'm like, OK, but what if that was enough?
That's all you had to do was just to notice that your mind was doing that.
Like, what if that's all you had to do today?
And it takes the edge off, you know.
And so for Julie, just noticing that what's going on in your mind and body, allow that to be your starting point, because it takes a lot of intentionality to do that in a world that's fast paced.
There's a lot of information.
We value being productive to doing a lot of things.
And so for you to intentionally do the opposite and just notice what's going on, It can help you, and this is the second thing of moving into a place of responsivity instead of being reactive which is why we practice is to be able to change our relationship to whatever it is that we're perceiving.
Instead of being reactive and impulsive, we're able to take a moment and to take a step back and to see things from a bird's eye view, because one thing that trauma does it narrows us in into the issue and we don't see any other way out.
So being able to take a step back and zoom out can be really helpful, not only for your mind, but for your physical well-being as well.
Yeah, I feel like there's a component of grief too.
And you might be experiencing all this grief and everyone's probably thinking, oh well, this is so wonderful.
Your house has been rebuilt.
You get to move home.
And it may not feel that way.
And I just wonder if there's like respecting that feeling, that that's there and despite the fact that maybe everybody else isn't there with you.
Yeah, in my own experience with grief, I had to let go of that expectation that everyone would understand what my grieving looks like.
Because you can project that desire of like, I want you to know how I'm feeling.
And the thing is, nobody will ever know.
And so you have to let people off the hook.
You know, and again it's turning inwards, honoring whatever is going on.
And maybe for me, I have an altar space in my house.
I have pictures of my family, ancestors, all of that stuff.
And that's how I'm able to memorialize some of the things that have gone on in my life.
Maybe there's things that you have Julie, that you can keep, that are special, that can remind you of those moments that were in your home, or having something there that you can touch, that's tangible, to consecrate that experience.
But grief is so interesting because it's not linear.
I kind of see it as like you're in this hazy fog, you know, and then once it clears, it's like whoa, like what has happened with time space reality, right?
I love that.
And good luck, Julia.
You know, it takes as long as it takes, right?
Yes.
We're here with you.
Yeah.
Okay, let's move on to our next question.
Hi, Team Headspace.
Sumit Nangia this side from India.
So I have been doing guided meditation sessions for almost 6 to 8 months now.
So, while I have started enjoying them a lot, but when I tried to switch over to unguided or semi-guided sessions so I somehow felt that I am not able to hold my focus on the breath.
So is this something common which happens to beginners in meditation, or is it like somewhat a problem with my focus only?
What a great question.
First of all.
Yeah.
And so many thoughts come to mind.
I'll share personally, it took me probably five years to be unguided.
So there's that.
The second thing is I like to liken this to learning how to ride a bike.
So we start with training wheels and then over time you're able to take the training wheels off.
But then there's still a little bit of a wobble.
Maybe your mom or dad is holding on to the back seat.
You know, you can't really find your footing yet.
It still feels a bit uneasy.
And similar to when we decide to move to unguided meditations, you wobble a little bit.
It may be hard to focus.
But again, it's building that muscle.
It takes time and practice to be able to trust your own inner guidance.
So taking time, having patience.
And the third thing is You can always switch your anchor.
I know in the Headspace app we say focus on your breath.
But if you're able to better connect to noticing sounds in your space, then use sounds in your space.
If you want to notice the sensations in your body, use the sensations in your body, because I also know that noticing the breath can be really activating for people and it may not feel good.
It's not just you.
I think it happens with all of us for sure.
So being patient with yourself and being gentle and kind.
It's really hard to meditate.
It's simple, but it's not easy.
It is so hard.
It is so hard.
Yes.
And I will sing it from the rooftops.
If it was easy, every single person in this world would be doing it.
But that's not the case.
Right.
So, again, giving yourself grace and being kind to yourself.
And over time, you'll notice that it will become much easier to focus with unguided meditations.
Yeah.
I wonder, is there like what is the as a person who's not let's just say who's not so good at it.
What's the win in doing it with or without someone?
There's no win.
There's no hierarchy of you're doing it better without people or you're not.
It's just a preference.
You know, if you would like to do it with someone and you just prefer to do guided meditations, then do guided meditations.
If you want to do them unguided, you can do that as well.
I would say, speaking from like retreat perspective, when you go on silent retreats, if that's something that you're interested in, usually the practices are unguided.
So that's something to be aware of.
Because again, We're learning how to cultivate a sense of concentration and focus.
And some meditations want you to also cultivate insight, so wisdom from your own experience.
And it's hard to do that when someone else is talking.
But yeah, there's no you're doing it right or you're doing it wrong.
It really is just preference based.
So if Sumit wanted to like just dive off the deep end and and go to a unguided like 10 day silent retreat.
Yeah.
Good idea.
Bad idea.
I mean, I have an advocate for it.
Good idea.
But just know what you're getting into and research the retreat and the practices that you're going to be doing.
And What I love about retreats is that there's often the teachers are there and you can speak with them.
You don't have to be completely silent.
If you're struggling, they will offer you wisdom and advice.
And there's also like wisdom talks every night.
So you're able to take what you've learned from your practice.
And take what they've shared and then apply it to the next day.
So you're not just like completely silent and there's no talking.
Left alone for 10 days.
That seems like that might be a good way to...
Like if it is a goal of his to just jumpstart it, it seems like that could be an interesting.
I mean, 10 days might be a bit challenging.
Three days.
Fair enough.
Try a half day meditation.
Try a three day meditation, a three day retreat.
Sorry.
And MBSR is a really great program that Eve, Kes, and I teach as well.
And you get to learn more about the practice.
And we're there and we can ask you questions.
You're in community.
And I think that's another thing about this is like finding a mentor or teacher.
I think oftentimes we just do these things alone.
But having someone that can offer you support, unbiased support and guidance in your practice.
It was probably the most pivotal and game changing thing for me.
And I always tell people to find a mentor in this space because you will have questions.
And I wish I could be there on speed dial, but I'm not.
And having someone that you can talk to can be really helpful.
And it helps you to cultivate compassion because again, it's so easy to think like oh man, I'm the only one experiencing this in my practice when that's not true.
Yeah.
So thank you so much for your question, Suma, and good luck.
If you do go to some kind of retreat, let us know.
We would love to hear.
Please do.
Okay, we'll be right back.
All right, let's get to our last question from Sam.
Hi, Sam here from the US.
I'm wondering, how do you deal with hopelessness?
In the face of your own shortcomings.
I've been struggling with self-esteem for a long time and building the right habits to be more kind to myself just feels too daunting.
But I wanted to reach out, so yeah.
Sam, I just.
I think, first and foremost, we just have to say thank you so much for reaching out and for trusting us with this question.
I know when you're in that space, it's very difficult to reach out.
So we just, before we say anything further, we want to say that and we appreciate you reaching out.
Yeah, thank you for your courage and bravery.
I think when you ask questions like those, you're speaking on behalf of so many people that may be afraid to ask that question.
So thank you so much, Sam.
You know, we put out a bonus episode recently as we were talking about tragedies in the world.
And Sam's not speaking to that in this question.
We don't know what is happening specifically for Sam, but you can hear it in his voice.
You can hear where he's at, that he's in a place of just feeling hopeless.
And I think we just have to start at the root of that, of First and foremost, if you are able to, I have to say, to look for help from therapists and support groups and people.
But outside of that, what else for Sam or anyone who's in that place?
Like, what can we do?
Yeah, I want to name that, you know, we look out into the world and we see conflict in the world.
And there's also conflict within ourselves, right?
There's so much that we are struggling with, that we are battling in our minds and our bodies.
And it's tough.
Life is tough, you know life is.
It really is sometimes.
Yeah, life is.
And relentless yeah, relentless yeah.
And self-compassion I mean.
Yeah, I think you know, when we hear of self-compassion, we associate it with butterflies and rainbows and unicorns, and it's supposed to be this light and fluffy thing, but it's also really challenging to do as well.
There's this.
I'm forgetting what the term is, but it's basically when you decide to offer yourself compassion.
First, there's like this stirring of your heart.
There's this like fire in your heart, maybe burning, that you've been ignoring, and once you offer yourself compassion, it's like you're ripping the doors off of your heart and first that fire will come running out and it's big, it's ferocious, it's rageful maybe, And then afterwards there's that softening and that tenderness in your heart that you can connect to.
But that rage, that difficulty, that hardness can really ward us off from wanting to practice self-compassion if you've been judgmental, critical to yourself for years.
To now befriend yourself after years of doing the opposite, it can be daunting.
So I want to validate that.
And I also want to share that self-compassion is made up of three elements.
It's made up of mindfulness, so this ability or the skill to be aware of what's going on in the moment without judgment.
It's also being able to connect to that shared sense of common humanity.
And the third thing is to be able to offer ourselves kindness, but that can be difficult.
So even just being aware is where you can start.
Of noticing when you're caught up in that spiral or in that rumination of all the things that are wrong with you.
It's so hard to notice what's going right in your life when you're focused on what's not going right.
And so to be able to interrupt that cycle or that spiral of thinking with mindfulness can be where you first begin, because everything else might be really difficult to do in those moments.
Yeah.
You know what I was thinking of?
Because I do think it's because Sam didn't give us a lot of details.
It's like what's almost personal to you, about what's hopeless and what's in moments.
And I was thinking of A bunch of years back.
There was that campaign for young LGBTQ youth called It Gets Better and they were addressing the suicide rate with LGBTQ teens.
So many people came out and told their stories about what it was like for them as young gay people and queer people and how hard it was and how hopeless they felt.
And and, and they told these stories of coming out of it and and how rich their lives were and how wonderful things became.
And that's like what I'm thinking for Sam is it gets better.
You know I think about I I, you know I.
I'm not a person that suffers with depression, but I had.
I didn't have a great childhood and I had a moment with my mom, who had a drinking problem, who came to my college and I won't go into the whole story, but she was drunk and I took her back to my dorm because I didn't understand what was wrong.
I just was trying to save her.
And when I realized what was happening, I...
I went into the bathroom and just sort of hid with some of my friends.
And I had this feeling of like I was in a basement.
And I thought, it's so dark.
It's so dark in here.
And I thought, and I don't.
And I remember in that moment, thinking I don't know if I'll like, if it ever comes, become sunny again.
Yeah.
And.
That's my connection to it gets better because it did.
I went to bed and the sun came up and certainly there was tons of work that I had to do on myself to take care of myself, to learn to set boundaries, to be there for my mom in a way that wasn't going to hurt me, but to go through all of that.
But it got better.
And I have this lovely, rich life.
This is 30 some odd years later and I have children and and hopefully my kids won't ever have that moment.
Yeah.
But that's that's what I'm thinking of for Sam is that it gets better.
Yeah.
And I'm wondering for you, Dora, like what's that moment for you?
I've had my moments and I think about it as if, like there's a storm cloud just like above our heads, following us all the time.
And at Headspace we have that metaphor for the blue sky.
But In those moments you just think that your whole life is one big storm and that there's no connection to a blue sky.
I'm like, there's thunder, there's lightning, might be a little hurricane in there.
But remembering that the storm will pass, and only if we can allow it to pass, because there's what's going on in the moment and then there's our stories about what is going on in the moment that allow that storm cloud to be there.
For what could feel like an eternity.
So it's been really important for me to be present.
And I shared this in one of the other questions of like being able to know if I'm responding to what's happening in this moment or if I'm responding to something that happened years ago.
And bringing myself back into the reality of like right now is different.
I can choose to continue to show up how I've been showing up or I can choose a different response.
And if you're struggling to be kind with yourself, those are the moments where we can choose to respond differently to ourselves.
And it maybe is as little as just like reframing how we speak about ourselves.
Or when someone asks us how we are, we can, you know, change the language that we use to describe our experience.
For me.
I always like to say, like I'm learning, you know whether it's I'm learning to love myself, I'm learning to accept myself.
I'm learning something new, instead of saying I'm struggling and I'm really bad at this thing that I'm trying to do.
It's like, yeah, I'm in a process of learning and expanding and evolving.
And for me that feels much better.
Now, then maybe condemning myself for being super critical and really harsh.
But changing the languaging has been something that's been really, really important for me, because I believe that our words give life to so many things you know, and where your attention goes, it's like that's what you'll see in your life.
Whatever you're continuously focusing on through your thoughts, your words, your actions, you're going to see that show up in your life.
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, you know?
So being really mindful about the way that we're speaking about ourselves, to ourselves and to others and seeing if we can reframe by using different languaging.
Yeah, that's so interesting.
I just, I just finished a book on growth mindset versus a fixed mindset.
And I feel like it's similar to what you're talking about.
Like, looking for hope and looking for growth and saying to yourself, well, this is okay.
This is where I am now, but I'm growing.
I'm working on it versus I'll never be.
It's such an interesting thing to notice about yourself or to see like oh, there's nothing open there.
There's nothing open.
No new can come in.
No growth can happen if I say this is how it always is.
Yeah.
But it's. difficult to be able to understand you're even doing that.
Yeah, that's why we have to practice.
I mean, these are the moments where... Oh, come on, Dora.
Being mindful...
I have a meditation in the Headspace app called From Hopeless to Hopeful, and it talks about being able to look out for those moments of hope in your everyday life because it's happening, whether it's receiving a compliment from a stranger, someone lets you in front of them in a line.
You know those little moments, even smiling to a stranger on the street as you pass by.
Like those are moments of hope and like goodness in the world.
So noticing those, keeping an eye out for those.
Yeah.
Because if I'm looking for how people don't show up or don't ever help people, all I'm going to see is people not helping people.
But if I look for, yeah, if I look for the, look for the helpers, isn't that what they always say?
Look for the helpers.
Like kids, you tell your kids, look for the helpers, but we should be telling ourselves that.
Yeah.
And one other practice I'll share for you, Sam, is writing a letter to yourself.
And you may write it as if you're writing to a friend that's also struggling with the same thing that you are, or it could be directly to yourself.
I find it easier to write to a friend because it hard to do it to myself at times, but just writing down a letter or a few words of encouragement and advice and support and keeping that somewhere where you can come back to and read that out loud to yourself if that's your jam, or just reading it silently.
But I love letters.
I love writing.
I love coming back to these things years from now, but it can be a really great practice also to process and to release and to let go.
Well, I want to say to anyone who is listening if you are struggling with a mental health condition, you know, please talk with a licensed provider.
You can also find support resources on Headspace Mental Health Resource page and that will be in the show notes.
And if And this is, I think, the most important part.
If you or anyone you know is having thoughts of suicide or self-harm, please call or text 988.
The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
The Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
Call 911 or just go straight to the nearest emergency room.
Yeah.
Yes, please get help.
I'm such an advocate for that, seeking help.
It doesn't make you weaker.
It makes you stronger.
A little behind the scenes, we always do a meditation before we start.
And Dora led us in a meditation where we were sending with our out breaths.
We were sending love and kindness out into the world.
And I hope you can feel that we are sending love and kindness out into you.
All right Dora, just always wonderful wonderful, wonderful to hear your thoughts and the wisdom that you bring forward.
Yeah.
And thank you Robin, for holding space in such a beautiful way and sharing your own personal stories.
Well, thank you.
But a most important thank you to Julie, to Sumit, and to Sam for sending us your questions.
The whole show, the whole foundation.
Everything we do is for you all and for these questions and for what you trust us with.
And if you are at home or in the car or wherever you listen to your podcast and you have a question that's just been nagging at you, we're here for you.
So all you have to do is head over to sayhichat slash Dear Headspace, and you can record your question there.
It's so simple.
That link is also going to be in the show notes.
And if we use your question in the show, we are going to give you three months of Headspace for free, which feels like a deal to me.
I don't know, Dora.
It is.
I'm a little bit biased, of course, but it is.
Oh, yeah.
And as always, we are going to leave you with some soothing nature sounds.
This is a really great way to integrate everything that we have talked about today was heavy.
You know, there was a lot that came up.
So Please sit back, relax, and take in the soothing sounds of the ocean recorded from up here.
I hope you enjoy.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy, and be kind to each other.
