I have one question.
Do you want to live?
Actually, today I could go either way.
You see this?
Go around the diner and have everyone fill it with the contents of their purse.
And if you do, nobody gets hurt.
OK, OK, OK.
But I don't know how much you're going to collect here.
I mean, most of these customers pay with coins or fresh tomatoes from their garden.
Earl, listen up.
We're being robbed by that man in the suit and he wants everyone to empty their stuff into this bag.
Uh, Max, I've been on both sides of this situation.
And the best thing to do is play along.
Okay, Caroline, I'm gonna tell you something, and I don't want you to react.
I knew you were gonna get pregnant, damn it!
All right, fine.
We'll get through this together.
No!
Look, we're being robbed, and that guy in the suit might have a gun.
Just do what I say and stay calm.
I need you to empty your purse into the trash bag.
I can't believe this is happening just when I saved two dollars.
Max, I can't die.
And I certainly can't die in this ugly uniform.
I mean, it looks good on you.
Are you having a heart attack?
I'm peeing.
What do you mean?
I'm really freaked out and I'm peeing.
I can't stop.
Just stop.
Stop.
Clench it.
Okay.
No, can't.
Step out from behind the counter.
Sorry, sir, I can't.
Why?
Well, um, I'm peeing.
Still?
Out of the way, girls.
I'll take down this whoosh.
Get away from him.
Miss, you need to get out from behind the counter now before I... Please take her, not me.
What's happening?
Han, we're being robbed.
So sorry.
Please take everything that is in my mani-peg.
Would it be possible if I took my prayer beads out?
They've been in my family for hundreds and hundreds of... I don't think so, homeboy.
You're in my house now, bitch.
Come on, come on.
Put it in, put it in, put it in.
I have a whole new respect for every guy that's ever gone out with you.
Happy birthday, Blue.
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday, Blue.
Where's Blue?
I haven't seen her all day.
I just saw her.
Yeah, it was definitely there.
You're not going to get Blue that cupcake without a photo op, are you?
Where's your iPad?
I just saw it.
Yeah, it was definitely there.
Yeah, hon, go.
You need a pic so you can post it on Facebook or Fishbook or whatever.
Good idea.
Here, hold this.
Caroline, you look less flat.
You finally get that boat job you needed.
I feel like the baggie broke.
Yep.
That's what happened when you get the cheap implants.
Oh, my God.
There is definitely something moving around in my bra.
Well, it's good you can still recognize that feeling.
It's right... Oh!
Oh!
I touched it!
Coral, someone put your hand in my bra and help me!
Why now?
Now when I'm open-eyed?
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm afraid I'm going to squish it and kill it again.
Okay, just get up on the counter and drop it in the tank.
What?
Get up on the counter, spread your leg, and just let it fall into the tank.
You know what?
Forget the back rub.
After this, we're square.
Okay, straddle the tank, pull out your uniform, and let it go.
Now I owe you money.
Yeah.
Or just squat over the tank like you're delivering a fish baby.
I'm delivering a fish baby?
This is where I'm at?
Stop asking.
That's where you're at.
Okay, now that I saw, right?
Caroline, get down.
It's not that kind of party.
I just got a $20 tip on a $10 check.
I may be the greatest waitress ever, and strangely, that doesn't make me want to die.
You're finally getting the hang of a job you've had for years.
Is your last name Obama?
Another big tip.
I think it's my smile.
Well, something's smiling.
Pick up panty melt.
Correction, panty melt.
Caroline, you have what, Max?
Pride in a job well done?
Yes, some of us can still feel pride.
Yeah, but only for about another 10 seconds.
Caroline.
Oh.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
This reminds me of when I saw my mother's side boob.
Max, you have to say something.
Um, Caroline?
Hey, look.
I just got a $10 tip from this guy, and I spilled coffee on his face.
Screw it.
I'm taking the ass train to money town.
Oh, no.
Not wearing underwear.
Trust you, Oleg.
You do?
No, why wouldn't I?
Aside from my complicated past full of men that have lied to me.
But you and I don't have secrets from each other, right, Oleg?
Yeah, well, you see... It is time for the traditional best man speech.
So listen up, bitches.
Ow, damn it.
I am bleeding.
Repeat, I am bleeding.
I can't believe this.
There's an app that burps when you shake your phone, but no app that unsends a boop pic?
Sophie, Oleg, what's there to say about these two kids?
Oleg is a bad cook.
Sophie quite loud, but somehow when they get together, magic.
You suck, next act!
Says the lady that works at the airport.
And Oleg, I'm so glad Sophie is marrying you, so now you can stay in the country.
Oh, no.
You suck, next act!
Yeah.
I hear you, girl.
I mean, that last joke didn't even have a punchline.
You know, I mean, it was sort of sad.
It was no joke.
This is serious.
It's really serious.
That boob pic is up in the cloud now.
My boob is in the cloud, y'all!
Sophie, I didn't know how to tell you.
You wanted to marry me for a green card?
See, I thought you were marrying me for my bod or for my connections at the container store.
Or I mean, I taught you how to read.
Sophie, I can explain.
No, no, the wedding's off!
Oh, no.
What the hell am I gonna do with all those pigeons that I had painted wedding white?
Sophie, wait.
Oh, well, look who it is.
My dearly deported...
I worked on that the whole way over.
Sophie, I'm not going to be deported.
I'm going to marry someone so I can stay in this country and win you back.
I don't care who my new bride is.
Just up front, it can't be me, because everybody knows I'm married to my work.
And it can't be me.
It just can't.
They don't even have to be the best or even good.
Standards are out the window.
Look, it's a California raisin.
Oh, sunglasses and Advil.
Last night was mad real.
Han, will you marry me so I can stay in the country?
I'll need to think about it.
Yes.
Apparently, the only thing he won't say yes to is health care.
Oleg, I don't believe you.
This is just another trick to get me to do what you want me to do.
Like when you kept dropping your ice cream into your lap.
No trick.
Sometimes love makes you do crazy, disgusting things.
Like this.
Come here, Han.
And now I love this job, too!
Thank God he picked Han.
Wow, Sophie, Oleg must really love you.
That had to be hard for him.
And from what I can see, a little hard for Han, too.
At our wedding, maybe two pumps of breast spray.
Han, you're not marrying Oleg, because Oleg's marrying me.
I believe you now, because you kissed Han, and Asian girls aren't even your thing.
There, the phone is unplugged.
Good luck calling the police now, table two.
Wow, you unplugged that phone faster than we unplugged my Aunt Esther.
She was a mean lady.
Sophie, ready to re-enter the workforce?
I'm ready.
The question is, are you ready?
And the answer is, no, I am not.
Hey, everybody.
Can I take your order?
Miss, sparkling or still?
Hey, how's everything tasting?
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Miss?
Oh, not you again.
Please, don't eat this.
I ordered a steak, and this is a dirty washcloth.
You want me to heat it up?
I mean, why am I always getting you stuff?
How come you're not scratching my back?
You see how I told him off?
Just like Max does, right, girl?
Why are you calling me girl?
I'm calling you a woman.
You know, like the girls do with Han.
Only he takes it.
I mean, I wasn't expecting all this.
Neither was I. This is supposed to be my nap time.
Pick up.
Unless that's a huge problem for you.
I'm gonna tell you the same thing that I told pooters when they added pants to the uniform.
I quit.
You quit?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're fired.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Have I been a bad waitress?
The naughtiest.
Uh, they're not gonna have sex in a restaurant, are they?
Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
Hell, it wouldn't be the eighth time.
Pick up, Oleg.
Oh, yeah, man.
This is happening.
Max, why are you only wearing one earring?
What are you talking about?
I'm wearing two.
That's weird.
Where is it?
Is it in my hair?
No, no.
Did it fall down?
Yeah, check your boobs.
That's where you found the remote.
It's not, it's not anywhere on me.
Well, when's the last time you saw it?
I don't know, but it couldn't have gone far.
I was in this area pretty much the whole night.
You mean over the batter?
No no no nothing nothing nothing no no no nothing nothing no no no nothing, nothing.
It's not here.
Which means it's in one of those already baked cupcakes.
Let's go.
We have to start pulling these apart.
Really?
Come on.
Don't be ridiculous.
Look, worst case scenario, one of the thousand cupcakes has an earring in it.
Well, tell them it's a surprise.
No, the worst case scenario is someone bites into it, rips their lip open, and sues us.
Let them sue us.
We don't have any money.
And that's why we'll go to jail.
Yep, I'll be locked up raw and forced to be someone's girlfriend.
I mean, I'm a bad girlfriend out of prison.
It's not going to be any easier with Big Joan.
Calm down.
If we go to prison, I'll be your girlfriend.
Until someone hotter comes along, because that's the way it goes in prison.
Start looking.
I am not going to smash 900 cupcakes.
Then we'll just have to start over.
Oh, no.
I would rather hitch a ride west and become a sister wife.
This is crazy.
Can't I just text them and tell them we can't do the job?
No, you can't text them.
We need the money.
And stop with all the texting.
Maybe if you were thinking less about texting with my ex-boyfriend, you wouldn't have lost your earring in the first place.
You should have just said it.
You have a problem with me texting Andy.
I do not have a problem with it.
Oh, good, because he's my friend too.
But you think your loyalty to your best friend and business partner would be more important than some stupid animal friendship.
I mean, I'm surprised I even have to tell you that, Max.
It's kind of girl code.
Oh, I am way too tired to hear girl code.
Shut it down.
Girl code, Max.
Girl code.
Shut up, Caroline!
Shut up!
I'm not even gonna dignify that with a response.
Yeah, that was a goal, bitch!
I don't have time for this!
I have to find an earring that you lost in one of these thousand cupcakes, bitch!
The thousand cupcakes that you forgot to tell me about!
And the girl code means that when a girl breaks up with someone, you don't interfere with her boyfriend because she needs some distance.
Well, why didn't you tell me that when I asked you 14 hours ago?
Hey, Max.
I got your text.
I'm here to help.
Um, that was a pre-girl code text.
I thought we maybe needed a backup after Earl passed out and I made Han cry.
Sophie, I think I found the solution to all our problems.
Microwaving the headboard?
I've told you repeatedly, the science just isn't there yet.
Make sure I get an email when it is there.
This is about us and Barbara.
I want to be more involved.
That's why I got these.
Moobs.
To feed Barbara with.
Great, now I'm jealous of Oleg's rack.
If he puts Dr. Pepper in there, so am I. Oleg, tell me you kept your ding-dong.
Oh, yeah.
I'm just Mrs. Doubtfiring it for the time being.
We've got to get that kid out of that house.
You know what, Barbara?
You're really lucky to have such a good father.
I guess there have been bogarting baby Barbara.
Yeah, it really is sweet that you did that, Ole.
My eyes are up here, Caroline.
We're out of milk in the kitchen.
I really hope Earl milking Olegg is our rock bottom.
It won't be.
Hey, Max.
It's chilly outside.
Nipples everywhere.
Have a seat.
I'll be right over.
Oh, that's OK.
I texted my order in on the way.
Hey, baby.
I got your text.
Did you get my erotic haiku?
I did.
Did you get the picture I sent of me and the Dustbuster?
No, I didn't.
Oh, no.
Grandpa, you're gay.
Look.
Earl framed our blurb.
He did?
That is so sweet.
I always saw it as bigger on the wall in our shop.
Look, the shop is an amazing idea, and if it's not that space right now, it'll be another.
I mean, there have to be mass murders all over Brooklyn, right?
If we're lucky.
And even if it didn't work out, it's still the closest I've ever come to something great, and that's cool.
And someday we'll find someone crazy enough to lend us money.
I say that because if you can convince me to believe a dream, you can get anyone.
Pick up.
Here you go, Sophie.
That's $11.25.
Oh, you took a check, right?
This is for $20,000.
Oh, is it?
I thought it was for $20,000.
Oh, well, keep it.
Maybe you could use it for your dream or to get your legs waxed or something.
Sophie, are you serious?
Yes.
Sophie, this is really, really amazing.
Oh, come on.
I don't need a parade.
Just keep the cupcakes coming.
Max, do you know what this means?
We are going to be a Williamsburg must-have.
We're getting our dream.
I feel like you want a hug.
I do.
Okay, so you guys are here behind the counter doing your waitress thing.
Shooter aims for the cook but hits her, our featured waitress.
Hey, didn't I already see you on SVU?
Oh, yeah, I remember.
They found your head in a mini fridge in the Hudson.
I knew I recognized you.
Wait, we've already killed you?
Sorry, babe, you're out.
Aw.
Well, you gave great head.
Tom, we gotta bump someone up to the featured waitress.
Pays a thousand more bucks.
Max, that could be the extra money we need for chestnut.
Could one of us do it?
Can either of you act like you've been hit with a bullet?
Well, it just so happens I have been hit by a bullet twice.
Once at a 7-Eleven and once running away in the parking lot of a 7-Eleven.
So, yeah, I think I got this.
I'm thinking maybe a blonde would be better.
Caroline?
Well, I did have a pretty convincing death scene, as Fantine and I died like.
Well, should I just show you?
You are such a nerd.
That's great, Caroline.
Special effects, put the blood device on Caroline.
She's our special victim.
Really?
I got it?
Yes, but a little less French Revolution and a lot more face down on the floor.
You can't take a shot.
You can't even do a shot.
Don't be mad, Max.
I'm doing this for Chestnut.
And it's not my fault he liked my death scene.
He liked your death scene with his penis.
Wow, Max, show business really brings out the worst in you.
You haven't seen me at a wedding.
Hello!
You just put your hand on a woman's blouse without asking?
Every day.
Well, um, here, can I help you?
No.
It's a union thing.
Aren't you in there a little long?
Yeah.
Caroline, that special effects rig you're wearing is very sensitive, so don't let anything near your chest.
Except me.
And don't be nervous.
The camera's gonna love you.
How could it not?
DJ, stop flirting with me.
I'm gonna die soon, and you'll never get over me.
Promise you'll die soon?
Max, I'm about to be shot, and I can't die with bad blood between us.
We're good.
You're living my dream, girl.
Do me proud.
I will.
No!
Don't hug with it!
Caroline, you set the thing off.
We weren't rolling.
Really?
That's too bad, because that was gold.
That's a wrap, everybody.
We'll pick it up tomorrow.
I'm so sorry.
It just went off.
Prettiest screw-up all day.
After you get cleaned up, why don't we have dinner at my hotel?
Dinner?
Yeah, I'd like that.
Let's say 8.
My assistant will give you the address and my room number.
You know, this is exactly how you look in all my dreams where I shoot you.
The director just invited me to dinner at his hotel, but it's in his room.
Do you think he... Yes.
Is that why he... Yes.
Will you come with?
Yes.
Maybe you're wrong.
Maybe he thought my audition was really... No.
Caroline, next time, maybe a little less.
I can't wait to go home and illegally download that documentary about performance art.
And I can't wait to go home and watch Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
But first, you have to see this.
Her name's Marina Abramovic.
In the 90s, she and her boyfriend did this piece called Confrontation, where they just slapped each other's faces for days.
Oh, yeah?
My mom and her boyfriend did that, too, but they called it Who Smoked the Last Cigarette?
No, really.
It was pure art.
She's a genius.
How about you and I do a little art right now?
What are they doing?
I think they might be doing a scene from Fifty Shades of Grey.
Ow!
Okay, stop!
That's for suggesting we make a lip sync video to Call Me Maybe.
Look, I know you're upset about your toys, Max, but come on, it's kind of fun.
There's only one kind of wet that I've been at three in the morning that I would call fun.
This is not it.
Oh, look.
Under the newspaper, there's some sort of stained glass window there.
Oh, pretty.
Oh, you're finally getting the money you wanted and you're so chipper.
I'm chipper, to use your word, because we're working to earn money to move our business brand forward.
Stop saying brand.
And this seminar better be worth it.
Why are you saying it like that?
Seminar with quotes around it.
Like it's a silly idea or something.
I didn't say seminar with quotes around it.
You did.
You said... Oh, sorry.
Sorry.
I was trying to illustrate that you put quotes around it.
I am too tired to put quotes around things.
But if I were gonna put quotes on a word, that word would be seminar.
Oh, and branding.
And I would put big, giant, dumbass quotes around branding seminar.
Max, you did that on purpose.
Oh, maybe it was just an accident.
They're spraying the light cord!
Hello?
Water and electricity?
Not the best combo!
Like some other not great combos I can think of.
Us?
You mean us?
What, now we're not a great combo?
Oh, wow.
Sorry I suggested we go to a, quote, seminar, unquote.
Sorry I'm trying to move us forward.
Sorry that you think you know how to do everything.
Sorry that you resent the fact that I know how to do business.
Sorry that you think you know how to do business and maybe that's why our first business failed.
Sorry that you took two weed breaks every single day instead of making work calls, and maybe that's why our business failed.
Sorry that I didn't take more weed breaks, because I really could have used them working with a know-it-all like you.
And sorry... It's my turn!
No, sorry that you also had to stick your nose into Oleg and Sophie's business so that he cheated and she got mad and then, by an almost irrefutable line of direct action, you killed my toys.
Sorry!
It doesn't matter how many things I ever did right, because poor itty-bitty baby Max's Happy Meal toy has gone all broke.
Don't push me, Max.
Such a fan of branding.
Just do it.
Have it your way.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Got milk?
Got any other stupid business ideas?
I'm done!
No, we're both done!
Fine, we're both done.
Done!
Done!
No, I'm really done, Max.
I'm tired of trying to make things happen.
I'm tired of pushing us into cupcake shops.
And I'm tired of you pushing us into cupcake shops too.
Shops that we couldn't afford in the first place.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, Max!
Max, are you all right?
CPR, what is it?
Do you pinch the nose and breathe into the mouth?
Wait, wait, I think you're supposed to pump the chest first.
Well, I'll never get through those.
Max, I'm about to put my mouth on yours, so if you're kidding, you better wake up right now.
Max, please don't die.
Please don't die.
You're my best friend.
Sit up, sit up.
Are you all right?
What happened?
You grabbed that wire and I think you got a little electrocuted.
I always knew I'd be electrocuted.
I just thought I'd be in the chair.
I'm too hot in here.
Come here, the window.
Come on.
Come on, come on.
Over here.
Here, kneel.
Open.
Damn, there are shutters.
Here, hold on to the wall while I get this.
Take a deep breath in.
Breathe in.
Max, that was so scary.
For a second I thought you died.
Maybe I did because I kind of remember a place with flames.
And you were making out with me.
Now watch.
This is how one graciously accepts a gift.
What the hell is this?
A wig?
Either that or you scalped a lesbian from the 80s.
Yep, I grabbed her bolo tie and climbed up on her shoulder pads.
You took away my security thing the pillowcase, so now I'm taking away your security thing your hair.
You can wear that on your head tonight and then tell me again how this is all in my head.
Did you have to get the ugliest one they had?
What do you want for 37 cents?
Fine.
I'll put this roadkill on my head just to prove to you that I am so much more than my hair.
I am my attitude, my spirit, my brain, my bravery.
Put it on.
Max, I'm scared.
Go.
The bangs go on the back.
That's my kind of woman.
Capsalus, pick up.
Uh...
Hey, Sophie.
Are you here for the mafia widow discount?
Oh, I'm incognito.
I'm making a drug drop for Max.
Hey, Max, I got you drugs.
Thanks.
And I love that you have an outfit for everything I ask you to do.
Hey, where's the blonde knot, Max?
Oh, my God!
Did Caroline join the bowling team?
Max, no.
Aw, crap.
Rod Stewart just busted us.
Wanna have some fun?
What's the big deal, square?
The big deal is that Max thinks she needs these pills because I threw away her blankie.
It was a pillowcase and I need it to sleep.
She has to rub it.
In Poland, I had this little thing that I liked to tickle before I went to sleep.
But my aunt threw it away.
What was it?
My cousin Nora.
Give me the pills.
Nope.
And Max, you were wrong.
See?
I'm not attached to my hair.
In fact, I am loving my new look.
Am I a single mom trying to keep it simple?
Am I an assistant DA in over my head?
Or am I Charlize Theron in the Jon Bon Jovi story?
Maybe.
And I'm fine with it, because I am not my hair.
Oh my god, Turkey Club cutie, hide me.
On your knees in a bed wig.
Listen, girl, I've been there.
No, I just don't want to be seen.
Caroline, Caroline, I love you, but I can't hear anymore.
That hair was hard enough to look at in the 70s.
Fine.
You were right.
I was wrong.
Now help me get this off.
He can't see me like this.
That's right.
Give me the pills.
Max, no.
You don't need them.
We don't know where they've been.
Fine.
I'm going home to try to sleep.
And since this is all your fault, you can finish my shift.
You're on your own, lady who lived across the street from Al Bundy.
Oleg, what's up?
Not enjoying the 90s horse party?
I thought you said 90s whores party.
Now I am wearing girdle and deodorant for no reason.
Quite a turnout, Matt.
Reminds me of the after-hour clubs I used to go to.
You know, if all the cool cats shootin' dope were replaced by sad white fools sippin' light beer.
Look, I did research and make myself a 1990s trivia T-shirt.
Talk to the Han.
Get it?
Talk to the Han.
That actually is cool.
I am hoping it will help me.
Get laid?
Care to purchase a Tamagotchi or 9021 Oreo cupcake?
We came here wanting to hate on you chicks hard.
But that horse you got out back is mad cool.
You bested us, party beast.
And to that, I doff my cap.
How much are the cupcakes?
Ten dollars each.
Adopt my cap again, lady.
Max, look at all this.
We're a success.
Well, I'll tell you what's not a success.
The plan to get Han some action.
Look at him over there.
That's so sad.
I know.
Go over there and give him a Han job.
Mimi.
You realize this is a freezer, not a panic room, right?
Just go out there and tear his smug white ass a new one.
I can't face him, Max.
Why?
He's the one who didn't call you.
I can't face him because I'm a waitress.
Last time he saw me, I was a billionaire in a townhouse.
Now I'm a waitress in a walk-in freezer.
So when you were laying around on your trust fund, doing nothing every day, having other people scrub your toilet, you could hold your head up high.
But now that you support yourself by earning your own money, that's somehow shameful?
Who cares what he thinks?
He is the guy who just paid $100 to party with a horse.
He's the loser, not you.
Really?
Because he's out there having fun and I'm in here hugging a tub of expired blue cheese.
Look, you see that wad of cash in your hand?
You earned that.
Slap that wad in your palm a few times.
Feel its power.
That's all you got?
Come on, really squeeze that wad.
Feels good in your hands, right?
Feels pretty good.
Yeah.
Now slap it and say, this is my wad.
This is my wad.
This is my wad.
This is my wad.
I'm going out there.
As soon as the ladies calm down.
Are you kidding?
Show him what he's missing.
Let him pop, playa.
Thank you, you rich poser.
Oh, uh, listen up.
That was meant exclusively for one specific rich poser.
All you other rich posers, just continue with the 90s.
Where is he?
Do you see him?
Uh, no, he was right over there.
He's gone.
I don't get to shove this in his face.
It would have been nice to put my wad in his face for a change.
Speaking of wads, look over there.
Such a little pimp.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Actually, I am.
I guess I didn't need to go over there and make some big, dramatic speech telling him that even though I'm a waitress, I'm better than him.
I know that now.
Thank you.
And when I see him one day in the future, I'll be happy to tell him that.
He just came out of the men's room.
Let's get out of here.
I thought you wanted to talk to him.
I said the future.
This is the 90s.
Let's get out of here.
Run.
Hey, everybody.
Great news.
I just got carded at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Really?
I got carded out of there once.
More great news.
I'm starting my own new business.
So, girls, you know how you have that $10,000?
Well, I don't want to clean you out, but how do you feel about tossing me $9,500?
You two should invest.
Sophie's business is genius.
You know how a bunch of ladies got their down-there hair permanently lasered off?
Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael checklist.
Well, Sophie's offering a product that puts grass back on your field.
That's not a business.
That's nobody's business.
Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff.
I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go.
Hey, there's a need for this.
Sometimes in the fog, my plane gets lost without a landing strip.
We're out.
Don't decide yet, girls.
You haven't even heard the cute little name.
Sophie Kaczynski's Vagina Wigs.
Yeah, we're really out.
It's a quality product.
And it's real hair imported from Vachina.
Yeah, never been further out.
I just got my first shipment of wigs.
Sophie, why are you walking like that?
Well, I'm not just the president.
I'm also a client.
Sophie, I think you dropped something, unless we have those giant Persian roaches again.
Even a milky version of that was too much.
Caroline's birthday.
Thanks, but you don't have to say that after everything.
Max, I know you have limited budget, but music is free.
Yeah well, I'm a douche Speech speech.
I Can't carry this party much longer.
I
Okay, I'd like to say something.
Wait, wait.
Can we wait till we cut the cake?
Cake?
People are still doing that?
Yes, our livelihood depends on it.
There's only one party as bad as this one.
That's the Donner party.
And even they had better food.
I'd like to say happy birthday to a very pretty lady who I just had the pleasure of meeting.
And I think I'm going to be seeing a lot more of her.
Aw.
I'll go get us some more drinks.
OK.
Get rid of him.
What?
It was a one-time thing.
I thought you weren't that kind of girl.
I realized it had been almost a year since I had sex and I decided I'd rather not be that kind of girl.
But I don't want a relationship.
Hey, I get it.
Hit it and quit it.
Hit it, don't babysit it.
Max, come here, please.
Fine, how am I gonna make him go away?
It's not gonna take a lot to convince someone to leave this party.
