Hello and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on.
I give you my unprofessional advice.
Today's topic is dating complications.
Dating and romance and love can be absolutely incredible.
But as with all things that can be absolutely incredible, it can also be miserable and challenging and complicated and confusing.
And that's what we're going to be discussing today, the complicated side of dating and romance and love.
Without further ado, let's begin.
Somebody said, I can't develop any feelings for any dates or any guys that I've met recently.
Is it me? This is such a frustrating feeling, and I deeply relate to it because I've been there many times.
I feel like there's this pressure to go on dates and feel things relatively quickly.
Like, okay, if you go on five dates, there's this expectation like at least one of those should work.
But it's not that simple.
There's no predictable outcome, right?
You might go on 100 dates and not click with any of those people.
And that is neither your fault or theirs.
Whether you click with someone or not is arguably up to the cosmos, you know what I mean?
It's written in the stars.
It couldn't be less of your fault or their fault.
It's no one's fault.
It's just how it is.
You can't control if you click with someone.
And to blame it on yourself is to cause yourself unnecessary grief because it is so normal to go on a bunch of dates and click with absolutely no one.
And the best thing that you can do is honor your instinct that it's not working and not bark up the wrong tree and try to force something to work that isn't working.
I will say, though, it is a bit complicated because there are times when you might be in a certain state of mind, you might be in a certain phase of your life that is preventing you from connecting with people that you're on a date with.
And that's something to consider.
Now I would argue that that's almost your subconscious and the universe protecting you from getting into a relationship at the wrong time.
But when you ask the question like, hey, why am I not connecting with anyone I'm going on a date with?
Is it me? I guess sometimes it can be you, but I would argue it's beyond you.
It's a state of mind that you're in.
It's you're not ready.
Maybe you too recently broke up with your ex.
Maybe you're going through a really hard time on a personal level and bringing somebody else into the picture would be really complicated.
And your brain doesn't have the capacity to be excited about someone.
That's absolutely possible.
And that's something you should consider.
Am I in the state of mind to be dating right now anyway?
Do I even have the energy, the capacity to give myself and my attention and my vulnerability to someone?
You have to be in a pretty healthy state of mind to do that.
And if you reflect on yourself and you're like, huh, yeah, I probably don't have the capacity to be dating right now, then yeah, it might in some ways be you, but I'm hesitant to say it that way because that kind of has a negative connotation.
Like, hey, there's something wrong with you.
That's why these dates haven't been working out.
No, you're just not in the right state of mind, but what I do think is important about figuring out if it's just simply you not clicking with these people, which is absolutely possible, or if it's potentially a combination of that and the fact that you're not in the right state of mind for it, that's
an important distinction because you might not want to write off these people that you're going on dates with right now.
You might want to consider another date down the line if you've reflected and realized, you know what, I'm not healed from my past relationship.
I'm going through too much on a personal level.
It's the wrong time for me.
Now, I also think it's very normal to struggle to find meaningful connection in dating.
Dating is tough. And there's this kindred sort of thing that happens that is sort of unexplainable.
And if we had that with everybody, it wouldn't mean anything.
It's a hard thing to find, but it's worth fighting for.
It's worth looking for because it is so magical when it's found.
But to expect it to be an easy process is to misunderstand what makes it so special anyway, I think.
However, one more point I want to make is there's also a chance that you're not giving yourself enough time to get to know these people because almost every guy I've dated, not every guy I've dated, there's been like love at first sight for me with guys that I've dated.
There's also been situations where I didn't like the guy in the beginning.
I did not like them at first.
And then I grew to like them.
I've experienced both, right?
And I grew to like them when we got closer and became more familiar with one another and their personality started to come out more.
If I was basing our connection on the first date, we would have never dated.
But I was like, you know what?
I'm going to give this person a little while to grow on me potentially.
And in a few occasions in my life, they did.
And I ended up dating them.
So I also think there's a chance that you're not maybe dating in a way that works for you.
Okay. The way that you might be dating is going on one date that's kind of uncomfortable and nerve -wracking like you guys maybe go out to dinner and it's like a date and it's really intense and it's like, whatever.
And there's a lot of pressure to click with them.
And it just, it becomes this fucking pressure chamber of a situation and it doesn't work out.
And everybody ends up just being exhausted and uninspired by the experience.
Whereas if you can maybe work on making friends with more people that you might be romantically interested in, if you could go into a first date and be like, listen, I just want to get this out of the way, you know, and I'm potentially interested in this becoming romantic, but like for the first few
dates, like let's just hang out as friends and take the pressure off of like doing anything more than friends.
Like let's just be friends for the first few dates and see how it goes and just actually get to know each other and see what happens.
And that's awkward to say sometimes to people, but I think it can sort of take the pressure off so that, you know, for the first few dates, you and this person can actually get to know each other and not be in this fucking pressure chamber of like, are we going to hook up?
Or I have to like make a good impression this first time, like set a precedent in the beginning.
Like this is how we should go about this.
We should plan three dates and take the sex out of it, take the romance out of it and just see how we actually vibe as friends, you know, first.
Because that'll allow both of your personalities to come out in the likelihood of you clicking is much higher than, I don't know, the dating style right now is very, it's very challenging.
So that could also be something, you know, to try, but it's not you.
If dating is not clicking for you, don't think you are a problem.
It's not you, you know?
I think everyone on this planet is capable of finding a partner.
I know that there's too many fucking people in this world for there not to be somebody for everyone.
You might be going about it in the wrong way.
You might not be in the right state of mind.
And yeah, that maybe that is you or your method or whatever, but it's not you.
So don't blame yourself.
Next, somebody said, what does choosing to love someone mean?
Right. To me, choosing to love someone in the context of romantic relationships is to be aware that in a long -term relationship, in a long -term healthy relationship, there are going to be days when it is challenging to love your partner.
Now, we should get our definition clear on what love is.
I like the Buddhist definition of love.
Love in this simple Buddhist definition is unselfishly wishing others to be happy, to be delighted in their presence, to do things for others and not expect anything in return.
It is to trust each other, but I think above all, it's wanting happiness for the other person.
It's having a connection with somebody else where there's a strong bond.
There's strong trust.
It's a connection that has a whole, you know, complicated laundry list of characteristics that are challenging to maintain.
And you know, depending on what state of mind you're in, it can be hard sometimes to love someone.
Okay. So in the context of a romantic relationship, let's say you're going through a hard time in your life.
You're unhappy in your job.
You're unhappy with how you look or how you feel or something.
It can be very hard not to take that out on your partner.
It can be hard to love your partner when you don't love yourself, but on days like that, you have to choose to love your partner.
When your partner is going through a challenging time themselves and they're being difficult, they're being tough to be around.
They're in a dark hour of their lives.
You have to choose to love them sometimes.
Because it's not easy.
They're not making it easy.
There are times in even the healthiest relationships when it's hard to love the other person.
And in those moments, I think an individual is given the option to rise above the challenge and choose love anyway.
And I think that that's what it means to choose to love someone is to go through the ups and downs with your loved ones and be aware and accepting that that is a normal part of any type of relationship, but especially a romantic one.
Now, I think it gets complicated when it comes to romantic relationships.
It's a lot easier to choose to love your family member in a rough moment because that's your blood.
I mean, that's not to say that there aren't times when it makes sense to cut off your family members.
I think in really extreme, extreme, extreme cases, yes, but I'm not talking about extreme cases right now.
For the most part, when it comes to your family, you fight with your family.
It's inevitable, but it's easier to choose to love your family because the connection that you have with family sort of goes a bit deeper than your relationship with, say, somebody you're dating, right?
I think it can be at times challenging to figure out, huh, should I choose to love this person or should I let them go?
But I think that that comes down to the health of the relationship in general.
If you're in a healthy relationship with somebody, for the most part, and you both are good partners to each other, meaning that you're a good team with one another.
If you have a good sense of trust and a wide open line of communication, a super intimate level of closeness to one another, you both inspire each other to be better, you hold each other accountable.
Overall, you have a net positive impact on one another.
Then it makes sense to choose to love that person in the most challenging of moments.
Whereas if you're in an unhealthy relationship and somebody's challenging and you're like, oh God, am I going to choose to love them?
The answer might be no.
If the relationship is not a net positive in your life, it's actually harming you, bringing you down.
You can still choose to love them.
You want them to be happy or whatever, but you might not be able to love them in the same way.
You might need to love them in a different way moving forward, and you might need to break up.
Yeah. All right. Moving on.
Somebody said, my boyfriend and I have been together seven years.
Been talking to him about proposing since 2022.
How long do I wait?
Well, I mean, I think at seven years, if you analyze your relationship and you're like, listen, this is not perfect because nothing ever is, but this relationship has a net positive effect on my life, this person's presence is invaluable in my life.
I can't imagine not being with this person.
I'm pretty confident that I couldn't find better out there.
I probably could, but I don't, it's hard to imagine.
This person has proven to be trustworthy over the seven years this person has proven.
You know, be critical of this relationship.
Be critical of the entire seven years.
Be aware of the weight of the decision you're making.
You know, it's a huge decision.
Who you marry and obviously people make mistakes.
It's totally fine to make mistakes.
There's nothing wrong with getting divorced.
It, but you know, but nobody wants that, right?
It's not ideal. So be fucking critical.
And if you arrive at the other end, like, yeah, you know what?
I'm aware of the flaws.
I'm aware of the challenges, but they're all things that I'm more than willing to face.
Now you're clear in your head on if this is the person for you, because we can fall into a place where we've been with somebody for seven years and they actually might not be the person for us, but we just stayed with them because it was comfortable and it was what we knew.
And we wanted to fight for it.
Now, if you realize, you know what?
I actually don't think I want to wait anymore.
I actually don't think this is meant to be.
He hasn't proposed to me.
That may be a sign that he's not 100 % sure to.
Maybe this isn't right.
There's a chance that that's the conclusion you come to, but there's also a good chance that, you know, maybe he's nervous.
Maybe he doesn't feel like he's in the right place in his career yet.
He loves you. He wants to marry you, but he's afraid of the big cost of the wedding.
You know, he maybe isn't ready to have kids yet.
He's maybe intimidated by all this.
He loves you, but he's intimidated by all this.
That's why he's waiting.
And I think, you know, you asking how long do I wait?
This is a conversation you need to have with your boyfriend.
It's uncomfortable.
It sucks. But I think there's this weird thing around like, well, I'm just going to wait for them to propose to me and I don't really know if they ever will or whatever.
This should be a conversation beforehand.
The fact that it's like this surprise and delight sort of thing.
I actually think that's kind of a little bit unhealthy.
I think there should be a bit of conversation beforehand, a bit of understanding.
I don't think you should wait any longer.
If you're anticipating being proposed to and you want to be proposed to, and you've thought long and hard about the relationship, and you're confident that this is who you want to be with, you need to go and have a conversation with your boyfriend and say, hey, I want to get married and you can propose
to me whenever you want.
But I just need to know if that's something you're even going to do.
Because if you're not, we're clearly not on the same page and that's a problem.
And it's uncomfortable and it sucks.
But if you can't have that conversation with your boyfriend, that means that there's an issue in the relationship.
That's a conversation you need to be able to have with your partner.
You should be so close with your partner that you trust that you can have that type of conversation with them and it won't be weird.
Next, somebody said, the moment someone likes me back, I start to get icked.
I feel like I will never be satisfied enough.
Is there something wrong with me?
Okay. Let's have a talk.
Let's have a talk about being attracted to people who don't like his back.
Okay, because I was the queen of this for many years.
I only dated guys that were kind of hard to get.
And the second guys would like me back, I would get a little grossed out.
I've always been like this myself.
However, this is not a sustainable model in life.
Take it from me, okay?
I've played that game for years where for whatever reason, my brain only allowed me to feel attracted to guys who did not fully reciprocate the attention that I was giving them.
And you want to know where that led me?
Misery, okay? Fucking misery.
I dated many guys that were not emotionally available for me who drove me crazy.
And it only had a net negative impact on my life.
And not just like my dating life, but all elements of my life.
It is a very, very, very dangerous pattern.
So is there something wrong with you?
I don't like putting it that way, but maybe.
Because there was something wrong with me.
Or maybe not something wrong with me, but I had an unhealthy pattern.
So there wasn't anything wrong with me, but there was something wrong with the pattern of dating that I was in, okay?
And there's a good chance that the same thing is happening to you.
For whatever reason, you're attracted to people who don't like you back.
That is not a good pattern to be in.
Now I started taking chances and I started talking to guys that actually did like me back.
And I'll tell you, it was kind of tough for me because I wasn't used to it.
And now I will tell you that after pushing through that and seeing what a relationship can feel like with somebody who reciprocates the energy, the attention, the care, you can break the cycle.
I broke the cycle within the last year.
But it was very challenging because I've never been able to date guys that like me back.
It has always given me some form of the ick or like I've just been scared away by it or just like doesn't feel like, I don't know, it's almost like I'm afraid of being loved by somebody or something.
It's weird. I don't really know why still to this day that I'm like that, but I am.
And it was really challenging to push through, but I promise you dating people that reciprocate, that treat you the way that you always have wanted to be treated, date people based on how they treat you, push through the ick.
The ick is lying to you.
It's a weird defense mechanism that you picked up for some reason.
But if you're attracted to somebody and they're treating you well, and you're like, why the fuck do I have the ick?
Everything about this seems great.
Keep trying. Now there's a chance that the person's personality just gives you the ick.
You know what I mean?
I urge you to keep trying and see if the ick goes away because there's a good chance that it will and you'll be able to break this cycle for yourself where you're not dating people who don't fucking like you.
Nothing hotter than somebody that doesn't fucking like you.
Stop that now. It's not worth it.
That will create a life of misery.
Once you date people that like you back, your life will improve significantly.
I can promise you that.
And you'll discover what relationships can bring you in your life, how relationships can improve your life, make your life even more fulfilling and beautiful.
If you keep dating people that don't like you, you'll never get to experience that.
And I wish somebody would have told me that sooner.
Actually, I don't because I'm glad I experienced what I did.
But yeah. Okay, next, somebody said, how to get past intimacy issues.
I mean, I think it depends on the root of your intimacy issues.
I think a lot of intimacy issues are very complex, too complex for me to give advice.
And I would say, talking to a professional about it, a therapist, he's probably the best option.
But when it comes to more minor intimacy issues that are rooted in minor insecurities, fears around intimacy, just natural, innate fears, of intimacy, fear of the unknown, if you haven't been intimate with many people, that's more what I'm going to attack here today.
I had my own set of intimacy issues rooted in feeling insecure in myself as a romantic being.
I grew up being somebody who was not given attention for romantic reasons very often.
Like people weren't, I don't know, like, I always felt like a disappointment romantically when I would be with guys because I was nervous and I went through puberty late.
And I just felt like a disappointment to guys, you know, I couldn't keep up.
And it gave me lasting intimacy issues that still, you know, linger to this day where I'm nervous and afraid at times.
But I think what's been the greatest thing that I've ever done is finding a partner, and it takes time, finding a partner that you truly trust, who you're not intimidated by, who you're sexually attracted to.
You want to be intimate with this person, but you're not intimidated by them.
I never thought that that was possible.
I always thought you're either attracted to somebody or you're not intimidated by them.
Like there's no happy medium.
No, there is. There totally is.
The key is to find somebody that you're attracted to that doesn't intimidate you, that you can experiment with, you can try things with.
You can be honest about your fears, about your issues, about your hesitations.
They can be honest about theirs and you can work through those challenges together.
The best way to get over fears is to prove to yourself that it's going to be okay if you participate and you do it, you know?
The greatest way to get over a fear of flying on an airplane is to fly on an airplane as often as you can and take off and land safely and realize everything's going to be okay.
There's a slim chance that something could go wrong, but probably not.
It's about talking to the flight attendant and being like, hey, what number of flight is this for you?
They say, oh, it's my 4 ,000th flight.
Oh my God, that's a tongue twister.
It's my 4 ,000th flight.
That person has flown 4 ,000 times and nothing bad has ever happened.
And their likelihood of something bad happening is way higher than yours.
It's about putting yourself in a position where you need to face the fear, you need to face the issue.
So finding a partner that helps you create a safe space for that is so incredibly helpful.
But also, that takes time.
And in the meantime, I think there's something to be said for research on a personal level.
Okay, now figure yourself out sexually.
It helps to learn how to be intimate with yourself as well.
I don't know, I had never had any sort of intimate experiences with myself prior to being with my first long -term boyfriend at age 17.
Yeah, age 17. So, I didn't understand myself sexually.
I didn't understand myself in any sort of intimate way.
And it was very confusing for me, you know?
So I didn't understand myself, they didn't understand me.
I didn't understand them.
It was a mess. If I would have gone in having understood myself and my body better, it would have been an easier experience, I think.
No regrets. But you know, in the meantime, before you can find that partner that you feel safe with, explore your own situation.
Fucking go online and Google some shit.
Do what you need to do.
You know what I mean?
To sort of educate yourself in a way on how shit works.
Sometimes you got to look up tutorials, but that stuff can be empowering so that you're like, all right, I kind of understand what I'm getting myself into.
It's a very, I mean, unfortunately, there's no truly healthy resource for intimacy.
There's no perfect rule book, you know?
You could look up tutorials on YouTube, like, hey, how do I do this?
Just figure out, you can read an article online, you know, a blog post.
It helps. You can ask your friends, you know?
Ask around. That stuff really helps.
Just learn as much as you can before you go into it.
And I think that can help build confidence.
Because a lot of times I, at least in my experience, intimacy issues are rooted in like, not feeling confident in one's ability to be intimate.
Now, that's not the only root of it, but that can be a root of it.
I mean, I think intimacy issues can also be rooted in, you know, fear of getting too close to somebody, in which I recommend, you know, looking into attachment styles.
If you're having trouble being intimate with people, you feel put off every time you get too close to somebody, you might have an avoidant attachment style.
And educating yourself on that could be incredibly helpful.
But I do think that one of the most healing things that you can do is finding a partner who can help you get out of your comfort zone, to be honest.
And last but not least, somebody said how to handle being rejected.
I feel like I've talked about this before, but I can't remember.
So we're talking about it again.
Being rejected is complicated because on one hand, there is sort of this harsh reality that comes with it.
That's like, yeah, like you might not be the right type of person for them.
They might not like you like that.
And that's sometimes an unbearable truth.
But it's normal. It's normal.
And it's a part of life.
You're not going to be everybody's cup of tea.
Wow. I'm starting to sound like a Pinterest quote.
You're not going to be everybody's cup of tea.
What the fuck? Anyway, you're not.
So that's that. But then also you're not a perfect person either.
And there's a chance that you have certain flaws or challenges that make you not appealing to other people.
Like all of these things are true.
It is not a fucking pretty reality to swallow.
It's not. But if you can master the art of accepting the fact that you just might not be right for that person, and it might be because of you, it might also be because of them.
It might be a combination of both.
It probably is. If you can accept that while simultaneously believing that there will be someone out there that doesn't reject you, you're going to be in a really good place, my friend.
Because that's the best way to handle rejection is to say, this is a tough reality.
It doesn't fucking feel good.
But I'm going to use this as an opportunity to look inward, see what ways I can improve, and take it as a sign that this wasn't meant to be and that I just need to keep searching for the person that will work out.
It's a humbling, humbling, humbling experience.
But it can be a really positive thing if you look at it through the right lens.
Anywho, that's all I have for today.
That's it. It's complicated.
Romance is complicated.
I appreciate you all listening and hanging out.
I hope that you enjoyed it.
If you did, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.
It's always fun and a good vibe.
So come hang out, find Anything Goes on social media at Anything Goes.
And find me on social media at Emma Chamberlain.
I'll talk to you soon.
I love you and appreciate you for spending your time with me.
And yeah, I guess I'll talk to you later.
Okay. Bye.
