Hello and welcome to or welcome back to Trying Not To Care.
If you're new here, my name is Ashley and I upload every single Monday.
I am recording this the week before I leave for my bachelorette, which is insane.
I can't believe. that it's here.
I can't believe I get married in two months.
I'm just going to keep saying that until I get married.
It just feels very surreal and I'm so excited to be able to share it with all of you.
When you listen to this episode, if you're listening in real time when it drops, I will be leaving for my batch a couple days after.
So when I'm recording it it's a week away.
Still, i'm just so excited we're staying in rhode island.
We're staying like 20 minutes away from newport, so i'm not exactly in newport, but the airbnb i booked is so freaking cute.
It's on the water, like you literally open up the sliding door and there's a porch and you can jump right into the water.
I will have the Airbnb link for you once we get back from our trip, if you're interested in seeing it or you want to book it for yourself.
I know that Rhode Island is such a hot commodity for the summer and just New England in general is such a hot spot for people to visit, which I totally understand.
I'm from Connecticut.
I grew up in it.
I get it.
I love New England.
I love a New England summer.
So I'll have that linked in the show notes for you.
But I am so excited to spend the weekend with my girls.
I'm so grateful for the friendships that I have, especially having such strong female friendships.
But...
But on the opposite side of that, I have definitely struggled with friendships before and I've gone through my fair share of friendship breakups.
Although I talk a lot about my past relationships not working out whether it be romantic or platonic, I really do not hold any animosity towards those people or any grudges towards what has happened, because those fallouts taught me what I do and I don't want and have shown me the red flags to look out for in those relationships.
We're taught to look out for dating red flags, but not so much when it comes to friendships, because we'd write them off as just not working out or girls being mean and not getting along.
But I think there's deeper rooted issues that can have patterns and show up in more than just one person or one friendship.
And I wish I knew that when I was younger, especially in my teens and my early 20s.
I wish that someone had given me a heads up for those red flags to look out for in friendships and gave me advice when people weren't treating me the nicest.
Because I think a lot of the time when people don't treat you the best, you tend to blame yourself.
But there's definitely some things to look out for in friendships.
And that's what we're going to talk about today.
I'm going to walk you through four friends that you should look out for and you should avoid, because they more than likely don't have the best intentions when it comes to you and your friendship.
And also making excuses for these types of people and minimizing the hurt they cause you just hurts you more.
It really does negatively impact your mental health and also messes with the way that you view healthy friendships.
So we're going to talk about these four friends to avoid.
I hope that you enjoy today's episode.
If you do, make sure to give trying to care a review on Spotify and Apple really helps me out.
With that being said, let's get into today's episode.
The first friend that you need to avoid is the friend who only likes you when you're struggling and actually resents your growth.
We all have a friend or friends that we know we can go to when we're struggling mentally or whatever we're struggling with some someone that upset us or something that upset us.
We we have that person to go to to vent about other relationships, other friendships, or we just know that we can go to these people when the smallest thing bothers us, because we know they're going to hear us out and back us up and relate to us and validate us, which is an incredible thing to have with someone.
It's so good to know that you have someone you can talk to when something's bothering you or you're just not feeling the best.
What starts to become a problem and is a red flag is when you feel like you can go to this person about anything, except for when things are going good for you.
They're the first person that comes to mind when you have something to share, but they're the last person you would go to when you have good news about you and your life.
The reason that you have such a hard time going to this person when you're succeeding and things are working out for you is they somehow make you feel bad about doing good.
Any accomplishment of yours they make about themselves, whether it's an accomplishment that they already have made, they'll be like oh my God, I'm so happy for you.
I did that last year.
Oh my God, that's so great.
You're finally doing that.
I already did that.
Or, you know, in the sense of, wow, that's so good for you, but my life sucks.
They can't be happy for you because they're not happy about their own lives.
So they think that celebrating you emphasizes where they lack.
They can't just say good job or I'm so proud of you.
I'm so happy for you without relating it back to their life and making it about them.
What can be really hurtful too, is when a friend makes you feel like you aren't deserving of your success and everything good that has come to you.
Like they make it seem like that's all it is.
It's come to you.
You haven't worked for it.
You haven't earned it.
You don't deserve it.
They might say things like, things always just work out for you.
You're so lucky.
Instead of, you're so hardworking.
You're so deserving.
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It's almost like they question your success rather than applaud it.
And the reason they do this is because recognizing the fact that you worked for what you have would shine a light on the fact that the reason they don't have what they have is because they didn't work hard enough.
They're so used to blaming everyone and everything for why things aren't working out for them.
And seeing you get what you want because you put in the time and energy makes them feel bad about themselves because they're like, oh wait, if I worked as hard as she was, maybe I would get what I want.
So, instead of putting in the work and actually going after what they want, they just look at you and they go oh, you're so lucky.
I wish things just came to me that easily.
And it's like, no, things don't just come to me.
I worked my ass off for them.
These types of friends will project their own insecurities onto you.
They aren't happy with where they're at.
So they make you feel uncomfortable with your growth.
When someone refuses to grow, they tend to want to keep the people around them at the same level as them.
And when any of those people work on themselves and they do better and they do grow, they become resentful of them because they've put them into this box of who they are.
So if you used to be someone who was really struggling with your mental health and you weren't making a lot of money at work and you didn't have a lot of friends and you felt really insecure about your looks and you were just a very insecure, broken person, that's what they know you as and that's what they want to see you as indefinitely.
Because more than likely, if they related to that version of you, that's who they are.
And if they're refusing to grow.
Realizing that someone who they once related to they can no longer relate to anymore makes them feel bad about themselves.
So instead of working on themselves and growing with you, they try to pull you back down to where they're at.
And I think a lot of us know that.
We're not stupid.
We can see and we can sense that these people don't necessarily want us to do good.
Or at least they don't seem happy for us when we do good.
Which is why a lot of us dim our light.
And we hide things from these people because we know... that they're not going to be happy for us.
And we know that our success is going to make them feel bad about themselves.
When we do this, we think that we're being selfless and we're being a good friend and we're doing the right thing by not bragging or not kicking someone when they're down.
But the reality is we're not being truthful or authentic to ourselves.
And we're allowing someone who is supposed to be our friend to minimize our growth and make us feel bad about doing good, which is messed up.
We're doing all that we can to be the best friend and make sure they feel good.
But then this person isn't being a good friend to us and they don't care about how we feel.
They only care about how they feel and how they look.
You should absolutely be able to celebrate your success and appreciate your accomplishments in full, without having to minimize it to protect other people and their egos.
People who actually love you and care for you and respect you.
Are going to want you to do good in life.
They're going to want you to grow.
They're going to want to grow with you.
Expecting someone to stay the same, especially stay the same in a place that they're not happy in, is so selfish and is an incredible ask for anyone.
People grow and people change.
And if your friends can't accept that and they aren't willing to grow with you, it is not your responsibility to pretend that you're at the same place that they're at when you've outgrown it.
It is not your responsibility to baby them and shrink yourself down to their level when you worked really damn hard to grow out of that version of you.
You deserve friends who you're excited to share good news with.
You deserve friends who are your biggest supporters and want to see you succeed.
You deserve friends who love all versions of you and would never want you to feel like you have to make yourself smaller to meet them where they're at.
The people in your life should be growing.
They don't have to grow at the same speed as you or go in the same direction as you.
Everyone has different paths, but you should be simultaneously growing and you should be there for each other, whether you're doing good or bad.
If your friend, quite literally, is only there for you and is only nice to you when you're struggling, that is a red flag.
Kind of going off of that.
The second friend that you need to avoid is the friend who thinks everything is a competition.
This type of friend and the friend who resents your growth are kind of one in the same.
They can't be happy for you unless they're doing better than you.
When things are going well for you, They need to make it about them.
The light can never just be on you because they're fighting for a spot under it as well, even though you're not trying to compete with them.
You're just being you.
You're just existing.
And unfortunately for them, thriving.
And they see that as a threat.
Let's say that you got a job promotion and you go to tell them out of excitement.
They might say congratulations, but more than likely it's followed with something like yeah, my job was going to give me a promotion, but I decided to leave.
Or if you're at the same job.
They might say something spiteful like oh they offered me that position too, but I turned it down.
Whether that's true or not, it feels like an attempt to take away your moment and to make it about them, because if it were just about you, they feel like they're lacking something, that they're falling behind and that you're above them.
Even though you don't see it that way in their mind, that's what's happening.
Or maybe you meet someone new and you're sharing this excitement with your friend and you're telling them I met this guy and I really like him and I think this could be something.
But instead of hyping you up and sharing the excitement with you, they make it about themselves and they're like yeah, I'm really happy about my relationship.
Let's talk about my relationship.
It's really good.
He's the best boyfriend ever, which is fine, and that's a conversation you can have, but there's a time and a place, I think, where a lot of people get tripped up is they're like well, I'm just trying to relate to my friend, I'm not trying to one-up them which I get and I know not everyone has bad intentions but But just let your friends have their moment.
And when it's over, you can converse and relate to one another.
But if every time your friend comes to you sharing good news and you have to make it about you, you're not being a good friend.
You're not being there for them because you're so concerned about being there for you.
These types of friends have a really hard time celebrating you and doing it publicly, because they think doing that takes away from them.
They think that when you're succeeding, it means they're failing, and that's why they feel the need to assert themselves and make it known what they're doing and what's happening for them and what they could have if they wanted it, which is again, fine to share with your friends, but there is a time and a place.
If you're only sharing what's going on in your life to try to level the playing field or even one-up someone that's messed up, dude.
It even comes down to you being praised and complimented by other people, that will set them off too, that will make them resentful and that will make them upset because again, they think that you being praised shines a light on the fact that they're not.
So if someone were to come up to you and be like, oh my god, I love your outfit, they take that as an attack on them.
They're like what's wrong with my outfit?
Why didn't you like my outfit?
I think my outfit's better than your outfit.
It's like They just like their shirt.
It has nothing to do with you.
And I think that's the hardest thing for them to wrap their heads around that not everything is about them.
Not everyone is trying to spite you.
What I wish these people would understand is if you never clap for other people, it will never be your turn.
Those people will never clap for you.
If you're always about you, people are never going to be about you.
And you're never going to have this moment that you're so desperately seeking.
You're always going to be trying to shove yourself in other people's moments when all you have to do is just focus on yourself.
Work hard for what you want and success will come to you.
You don't need to be in competition with other people to do good.
Other people can succeed and so can you.
Their success is not your failure.
If you need to explain that to your friend, or you just feel like your friend's not happy for you and they care more about how they look and feel than being there for you and being happy for you, that is a red flag, my friend.
The third friend that you need to avoid is a friend who talks poorly about their other friends to you.
Now there is a huge difference in going to your friend to talk about a situation where your other friend hurt your feelings, right?
There's a difference in going to your friend and asking them for their input on a conflict you're having with one of your friends and asking them for support, or asking them for guidance, or asking for just an ear.
That is different than consistently gossiping about your friend or sharing your friend's business with your other friends when they have nothing to do with one another, or just talking badly about your friends, nitpicking them and making fun of them, pointing out things you don't like about them, using them as a means of conversation with your friends because you feel like you have nothing else to talk about.
The reason that you need to avoid this kind of friend is because if they feel so comfortable doing this to someone they call their friend, if they feel comfortable enough to talk down on someone that they say they love and they care about and they're okay with disrespecting them, they are absolutely doing the same thing to you with their other friends.
When our friends talk poorly about their other friends to us consistently, we might feel inclined to be like well, they're doing this obviously because we're super close and they trust me and we just have that kind of connection.
They would never do that to me though.
When we do that, we're kind of being a little delusional and dishonest with ourselves.
We are not the exception.
No matter how close you think you are with this person.
If they feel comfortable enough to talk so poorly about someone who they call their best friend and they go on social media and they say, oh my god, I love her so much, she's like a sister to me and then they go to you and talk to you like they're an enemy and that they hate them.
What makes you think they wouldn't do the same thing to you?
The way they're talking about that friend to you is how they feel about that friend.
They're saying the quiet part out loud, but of course they're not going to say that to that person's face.
They're going to say, oh my god, I love you.
You're my best friend.
I would never talk poorly about you.
I got your back. the same way they do to you.
So if they're doing that to them, why wouldn't they be doing that to you?
You think you're different because of how they treat you to your face, because they tell you they love you and they respect you and they care about you, but they're more than likely saying the exact same thing to this person that they're talking so poorly about.
These people that your friend is talking about probably feels the same exact way as you.
They probably think this person would never talk this way about them, but that's exactly what they're doing.
If your friend is speaking so poorly about their other friend to you and then you see them that same week or even that same day posting about them or hanging out with them and acting as if everything's fine and nothing's bothering them and they're acting like they never said what they said about them to you.
You need to understand that that is not a trustworthy person, because their words and their actions are not lining up.
And that does not just stop at one incident.
That's going to carry over into their friendships and relationships and also everything else that they do.
It's okay to express your hurt or to vent about a situation that hurt you.
But when you're attacking someone's character or you're just being mean and then still hanging out with that person without addressing what's bothering you and you're acting like your best friends and everything's great, that shows a lack of empathy and care for that person.
And you don't do that to people that you love.
Even if they aren't talking like that about you to others, for whatever reason, you are the exception.
Why would you want to be friends with someone so careless?
Why would you want to be close to someone that is showing you that you can't really trust them?
And why do you want to be friends with someone that's going to make you wonder?
If they're talking about you.
They might not be talking about you, but you shouldn't have to question whether they are or they aren't.
You shouldn't have to question if your friend actually likes you and if you're actually friends.
And then number four, the last one for at least this episode, because I could honestly do an entire series on this.
But the fourth friend that you should avoid is the friend who wants to be your best friend before establishing a genuine connection.
This is what I call A friendship love bomber.
Love bombing is talked about so much in romantic relationships.
But I don't think it's talked about enough when it comes to friendships.
I just don't think it's taken seriously when you label love bombing in friendships.
Like I was watching the spinoff of Love Island.
I forget what it's called.
I think it's After the Villa.
I don't know.
And these two girls were fighting and one of them said, I felt like you were love bombing me.
And the second that she said that the other girl just tapped out and she acted like it was the most outrageous thing that this person could have said.
She was like, you think I was love bombing you?
Like, we're not in a relationship.
What are you talking about?
And that's usually how it goes.
People don't think that you can love bomb in friendships.
They think that love bombing is exclusive to romantic relationships.
But all love bombing is is a manipulation tactic to get closer to someone, to gain access to them, to get what you want in a romantic connection.
Love bombing looks like someone in the first week of meeting them saying, I like you so much.
I've never met anyone like you.
I'm going to marry you.
I see a future with you.
Things that you wouldn't typically say to someone until your relationship has been established.
Maybe a few months into it, not the first week meeting them.
They'll say things like it was love at first sight and they'll make you feel like such a special person and make you feel safe enough to let your guard down and open up to them.
And you feel like they're moving so fast.
I have to move at the same speed as them so you give them the same energy they're giving you because you think they're being honest.
You think that's actually how they feel about you and the connection.
If it weren't for this person bombarding you with compliments and moving at the speed they are, you wouldn't feel so inclined to jump into it.
But you are because you're like well, I've never had anything like this, and they must really like me.
So you move faster.
Love bombing is a way to speed up the connection to get what you want.
And that can absolutely happen in friendships.
Just because a connection isn't romantic doesn't mean that someone can't try to win you over, to build attachment by bombarding you with their kindness and compliments and just attentiveness.
Love bombing in friendships is very similar to love bombing in romantic relationships.
This person that you have just met will overwhelm you with kind messages.
They will like every single one of your Instagram photos and leave these comments as if you've been best friends for 10 years.
They want to hang out excessively.
They'll say things to you like, I'm so glad that I met you.
You're my favorite person ever.
They'll build you up by tearing other people down and being like Yeah, I don't usually hang out with other girls.
Girls are so drama, but you're so carefree.
And I just love how we get along so well.
I can tell that we're going to have such strong friendship.
I love you so much.
Things that don't seem inherently bad, but it's the speed at which they're going.
If you just met this person a week ago, a month ago, it feels kind of off for them to be as attentive as they are to you, because it's like why are we moving so fast?
Why does it feel like you have a motive to be in proximity to me?
Genuine connections, genuine friendships take time.
The best friendships form over multiple years because you're building a strong foundation.
These types of friends want to mimic that type of friendship without doing the work.
They want a strong connection where they hang out all the time, they talk all the time, but they want that without what actually comes with it.
My closest friends, who I talk to all the time, we hang out all the time, we've been forming these connections over several years.
Two of my best friends.
I've been best friends with them since kindergarten and seventh grade, and now we're almost 30.
The friendships I have with these women have gone through so much turbulence.
We've fought.
We've made up.
We've shared really intimate moments together.
We've had very deep conversations.
We've seen each other at our worst.
We've seen each other at our best.
We've seen each other through so many different life stages.
And that's why our friendship is what it is.
More times than not, these people who will love bomb you in friendships.
Don't have those strong friendships.
They've never really had that, but they want that.
So they come with guns blazing and they will say whatever they have to do and do whatever they have to do to attract you.
Sometimes people act this way because they genuinely just want the type of connection and that's all it is.
But if you just met someone and they go zero to 100 they go from a stranger to let's be best friends you need to ask yourself why are they acting this way towards me?
They don't even know me and they're acting as if we're best friends, and we've been best friends for years.
Why are they trying to force a friendship with me?
Why do they want to be my friend so bad?
What do they want?
Why are they so eager to be friends with me?
Do they have other friends?
Or are they hoping to gain me as one because they have none?
And I don't say that in a way to put people down who don't have many friends, because I've talked about this so many times.
You guys know this.
I do think people who have smaller groups of friends have that because they're less likely to deal with being walked all over and they won't put up with BS just to have friends.
So I'm not saying that less friends equals bad person, but if this person has no friends, They have zero friends, and every single person they've ever met has done them wrong.
You have to ask yourself, am I going to be another casualty?
Friendships that start out like this, where you go from not even knowing each other to being absolutely obsessed with each other, typically end burning out just as fast as they started because, just like romantic love bombing, the person doing the love bombing isn't really being honest with their intentions, and they probably aren't being honest with their emotions, and they're just focused on attracting you and not nurturing the connection.
So once they get what they want let's say they get bored or they see someone else that appeals more to them they start openly disrespecting you and being less attentive to you, or they full out drop you.
And what hurts is they'll drop you and act like they never even met you.
And you're like, how can you go from being like, you're my best friend ever to don't talk to me.
I don't like you.
Leave me alone.
It's confusing to you because they've made you feel some type of way.
They've made you feel secure.
They've made you feel like you had a genuine connection.
And that's what you committed to.
But the reality is that's not what they actually saw the friendship as.
A lot of the time, when people love bomb you, even in friendships, they're doing it as a means to get what they want.
That might be being friends with someone that you're already friends with.
Maybe you're friends with an influencer or a celebrity, or they're interested in dating a family member of yours, a friend of yours.
Or maybe you're really successful at something like you make music or you have a podcast, or you work for a cool company and they want something from you.
They want to be behind the DJ booth.
They want to be invited to cool events.
They want to have the perks of your life.
They literally will use you as a host to get what they want.
And once they get it, they will drop you because they don't need you anymore.
They are quite literally social climbing.
With that being said, I would ask yourself why this person wants to be my friend.
If I didn't give them xyz, if I didn't give them my brother's number, if I didn't bring them to an event with me, if I didn't shout them out on my social media, if I didn't bring them to the coolest parties, would they still want to be my friend?
Would they be going as hard as they are at me?
If the answer is no, then that's not your friend.
If you have to give someone something for friendship in return, that is not a friendship.
That's a business deal, baby.
So be careful with those very quick friendships that seem like fate.
Like the universe just brought you guys together like you're twin flames.
Because trust me, there's a good chance it's gonna burn out real quick.
That is where I'm going to end today's episode.
I hope that you enjoyed it.
Like I said, I can absolutely do more episodes where I talk about friendship red flags, or I can talk about more things to look out for in friendships.
I could talk about why your friendships aren't working out.
I really do enjoy talking about friendships, whether it be friendship breakups or making new friends, because that is genuinely the reason why I started this podcast.
I was really struggling with losing my friends back in 2022.
And I feel like a lot of you found my podcast through similar situations and you come to me for advice when it comes to friendships.
So I am always happy to talk about it.
So if you have any questions, if you want any specific episodes on friendships, just let me know in the Spotify comments or you can let me know on Instagram.
If you're not already, make sure to follow me on Instagram and TikTok.
They're linked in the show notes.
Also, I will update you as soon as I'm back for my batch and I am able to record.
But I also will be posting everything on social media.
So make sure to follow me.
That is everything for today's episode.
Thank you so much for hanging out with me today.
And I hope to have you back next week.
I will talk to you next Monday.
Bye.
Thanks for watching!
