Hello and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice.
And today we are revisiting a topic, a topic that we've discussed before, the topic of friendship.
And I feel like the topic of friendship is bountiful.
There's constantly in flux.
We're constantly making new friends, cutting off other friends, dreaming to have a larger friend group, kind of wishing we could scale down the friend group.
You know, like we're constantly evolving our social circle.
And because of that, it's this bottomless pit of conversation.
What a beautiful thing that is.
Without further ado, let's begin.
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Somebody said, how do I find the balance between asking others to make plans and expecting others to ask me?
That is a great question because ideally you don't have to strike a balance.
It just sort of happens naturally.
When the stars are aligned for whatever reason, this is not even a thought that crosses your mind.
It's kind of a beautiful thing when a friendship is so locked in that you don't even have to play the game.
Honestly, I think that's ideal.
Same thing with romantic relationships.
Ideally, we find somebody that we don't have to play the game with.
We're not sort of being like, well, they asked me last time, so I guess I asked this time.
Ideally, we're finding somebody that allows us to be intuitive in our friendship.
Like, oh, I'm going to go shopping.
Maybe I should invite so and so.
Ideally, we're finding somebody who invites us to think of them in a way that's just genuine.
You know what I'm saying?
Ideally, we don't have to play the game.
However, in the beginning of a friendship, everybody's kind of on their best behavior and you don't want to seem clingy.
But you also don't want to put in no effort because then the other person will think that you don't care.
So there is an element of playing the game, right?
Even in the most authentic, genuine friendships and relationships where there's no games being played, a lot of times it started with some games because, I don't know, you're trying to make a good impression.
So, you know, fair enough.
Honestly, I don't know if this is even good advice, but I am somebody who tries to match the level of effort of the person that I want to be friends with or the person that I am friends with.
I mean, I prefer to be friends with people that make me feel safe enough to just like, I don't know, like invite them to stuff like five times in a row.
And then they invite me to stuff five times in a row.
And then I invite them to 20 things.
And then they invite me to one.
And then I invite them to three.
And it doesn't matter.
We're not keeping track.
We're not playing a game.
I prefer to be in those types of friendships and relationships.
So I'm more referring to my experience in friendships or relationships in the beginning stages when we haven't gotten to that level of comfortability yet.
I try to match the level of effort.
Okay. And sometimes if I'm really trying to win this person over, I'll maybe put in like 25 % more effort than they are.
But what I've noticed is a lot of times you can tell if somebody wants to hang, you know, if somebody wants to hang out, the hangout will happen.
So I think in order to find balance, pay attention to the sort of baseline that's created.
Like, are you the only one asking to hang out?
Are they the only one asking to hang out?
Okay. Now seek balance.
If you're the only one asking to hang out, or you're the one who's asking to hang out more often, maybe step back a little bit and see what they do.
You know, if they're the one that's asking to hang out, that should be your invitation to start asking them to hang out, start putting in the effort.
I think finding balance comes down to paying attention to the patterns that just naturally form between you and this other person and to try to find 50 -50 effort there.
Now, obviously it's never going to be perfect and it's kind of impossible to calculate, but in the beginning, you know, I think that this is a really strong method just to match their level of effort.
And the final point I'll make on this is, I don't know, I'm about to make a strong statement, so I'm kind of hesitant, but this is my opinion.
Okay. So just take it with a grain of salt.
I don't think it's healthy to expect anything from others, to be honest.
All you can control is your own actions.
You can control asking someone to hang out.
You can control responding to their text.
You can control making a priority to make plans.
Like that's in your control.
Whether or not somebody asks you to hang out or says yes when you ask, you can't control that.
So arguably it's healthier to not expect it, to just appreciate it if it happens, but not expect it and focus on what you can control, which is how you respond, okay?
How you respond to other people's behavior and what you choose to do.
Like I think expecting other people to ask you to hang out, that can go bad quick.
My dad always reminds me, expectation leads to unhappiness.
I don't know if that's exactly what he says.
He just texted this to me the other day.
What did he say? He said, expectation plus reality equals frustration and misery.
He texted that to me and it's very true.
Like anytime you have expectations, it's rare that they will be met and you will often be left upset in a way that you didn't need to be.
All right, moving on.
Someone said, can men and women be friends?
Well, I think the obvious answer is like yeah, of course.
There are many different types of men and many different types of women.
So let's dig into the complexity of this question.
I think we first need to narrow it down.
I think what this person means is straight men and women.
Can straight men and women be friends?
I already will say the answer is yes.
I think it is absolutely possible.
Is it often not very successful?
Is it often very complicated?
Yes, but I do think that it's possible.
In fact, I think that being in a friend group with men and women is really fun.
Listen, it's beautiful to have a bunch of girls hanging out together.
It's beautiful to have a bunch of boys hanging out together.
And I think those friendships are of course very important.
But I think the dynamic of having straight men and women in the same friend group, even though, you know, there might be a little sexual tension.
I think that that's a really valuable dynamic.
I think there's something really fun and exciting about that.
And I think it's absolutely possible to have a successful male -female relationship.
Do I think that it often naturally leads to romance or sometimes a one -sided romance?
Yes, and understandably so, because the baseline of a good relationship is friendship.
Like the baseline of a good romantic relationship is a platonic friendship.
If you wouldn't be platonic friends with your partner, you're with them for the wrong reasons, in my opinion.
I honestly think a great way to find a significant other is to be friends with people who you would be attracted to, right?
Like, so in this scenario, if you're a woman, you should try to become friends with some straight guys because you might end up realizing, wait, this person would be a great partner for me.
They're a great friend for me, which is half the battle in a romantic relationship.
This might actually work, but it can also go sour, you know?
Like, if one person falls in love with the other, it can get complicated.
But I also think friendships between all categories of people are complicated.
I have very controversially stated that friendships between women are very complicated.
And I still, in a lot of ways, stand by that.
I mean, I think my opinions have changed in some ways, but I still stand by that in some ways.
I think it's complicated in the same way that friendship is complicated between two straight guys or a straight girl and a gay guy.
Like, every single combination of person, and there's a trillion bazillion different combinations.
Every single one is uniquely complicated in its own way, but I think every single one is possible.
I honestly think a friendship between a straight girl and a straight guy is no more complicated than a friendship between two straight women.
Friendship in general is complicated.
There's so many fucking variables.
Yes, I do think straight men and women can be friends, but I do think that there's a slew of unique complications that come with it, but also there is with every single combination of two people.
Somebody said, I feel better about myself without my friends, but I love them and I know they love me.
Any advice? I think the first thing to figure out is, why do you feel better without them?
Is it because maybe they have different morals and values to use?
So the things that they talk about and their actions don't really align with what you believe in and that makes you feel bad?
Or is their sense of humor too harsh and it takes a toll on you emotionally?
Do they sort of peer pressure you into doing stuff that is irresponsible in your opinion?
I don't know, stay out really late on a school night or drink too much or whatever.
Do they bring out the worst in you in a way?
What is it? That's the first thing you need to figure out.
Why do you feel bad with them?
Then the second question to ask yourself is, do I value this friendship enough to figure out a way to feel good in this friendship, which is not easy to do.
It might take discipline, it might take self -control, it might take uncomfortable confrontational conversations.
Is that something you're willing to do?
If the answer is yes, then you have to make a plan.
Okay, maybe the plan is, I'm going to talk to my friends and be like, listen, you guys, I love you all, you love me, but the way you guys pick on me all the time, it fucking makes me sad and it makes me feel bad.
But I love you guys and I don't want to stop being friends, so just cut it out and everything's going to be fine.
Or maybe you just have to start saying no when they invite you to do something that is against your morals.
If they're like, you know what, we're all going to go and get lip filler today.
You're like, I'm really against getting cosmetic procedures.
You just can't participate in some of the plans with your friends.
That's a bummer, because we want to go and do everything with our friends, but sometimes we can't.
That is such an LA example.
We're all going to get lip filler.
It's actually like a thing, which by the way, I'm not judging.
That's like fun. Do whatever you want with your friends.
I just think it's kind of funny in LA, but in a charming way, in a beautiful way, in a...
You get the idea. And then if the answer is no, you're like, you know what, I love them, but I don't value this friendship enough to fight for it in a way.
I don't have the energy and I just need to get back to taking care of myself again.
And I just, I can't do this.
Then you start slowly pulling back from the friendship and that fucking sucks.
But sometimes that's what you're called to do.
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Next, somebody said, thoughts on stopping friendships with people that you love, but are too unstable.
This is very challenging because there's a lot of different moral dilemmas going on at once when you're friends with somebody who's in an unstable state.
It's very challenging to figure out what the right way of handling the situation is.
In that scenario, you're asking yourself, is it my responsibility to take care of this person to make sure they're okay?
Am I being evil for leaving them during this challenging period of their life?
What if I end up becoming unstable in some way, someday, and they leave me?
How would that make me feel?
I don't know how much longer I can mentally handle this though.
On a personal level, I don't know how much longer I can be present for this person.
It's taking such a toll on me.
I'm hitting my limit and all these things are sort of conflicting with each other.
All of these questions, it's a very, very challenging situation.
At the end of the day, I think we should all try to be there for as long as we can, because I do think that that is the right thing to do as a friend to try to be there, to try to be present, to try to help them through their issues, but also to be forgiving when you just can't do it anymore, because that is also okay.
I think as long as you tried and you communicated with them and said, I want to be there for you.
I want to help you.
As long as you did your best, I think it is okay to then say, you know what?
I can't do that. It shouldn't really be your responsibility to begin with.
I don't know how I feel about our friends being our responsibility.
That's very complicated.
I think we're the responsibility of our family and if we're married to somebody, I guess in a lot of ways that's family.
I don't know how I feel about being responsible for your friends.
I don't think that's what friendship is for.
That's my opinion. I think it's okay to make sure that someone is responsible for this person and is taking care of this person, whether it's a family member or it's a doctor or it's a therapist.
That's okay. Personally, I think it's morally right to make sure that somebody is looking out for them.
I think it is the right thing to do to make sure that you can pass them off into caring hands.
You don't need to be the caring hands.
You know what I mean?
The truth is there's a good chance that you can be friends with that person again.
Maybe even you say that to the person as you distance yourself, you're like, listen, I have to take care of myself right now.
I can't take care of you.
I love you. I value you so much as a friend, but I need to take care of myself right now.
You take care of you right now and let's meet back up in a few years when we're both in a better place.
I think that's so fine.
Honestly, I've been in scenarios similar to this and I've become friends with them again later.
It's been beautiful and miraculous and amazing.
In the moment, it's fucking brutal.
It's heartbreaking and you feel bad if you're an empathetic person because you're like, oh my God, I just want to be there for them.
I just want to take care of them.
It's okay to say, I've hit my limit.
I have to pass this off to somebody else and just pray that one day you'll meet back up again.
You probably will. Somebody said, I stopped speaking with one of my best friends because people said she was a bad influence, but she actually wasn't.
Can I undo it? Well, unfortunately, I can't answer if you can undo it.
The only person who can answer that is her.
However, I think the strongest method for trying to undo it is to go to your friend and say, can we talk?
I just want to talk and tell you what happened because I made a mistake and I would love to talk about this with you if you're open to it.
Hopefully your friend or your ex friend, I guess now takes you up on the offer and what you say to her is this is exactly what happened.
Okay. A lot of people told me I shouldn't be hanging out with you because they said you were a bad influence.
I later understood that they had misunderstood you.
I am so sorry. Our friendship means so much to me and I had a lapse in judgment because I was overwhelmed by the opinions of others and I learned my fucking lesson.
I'm not going to do that again.
I'm going to judge you and everyone else on this planet based on what I know as fact moving forward.
This was an incredible learning experience.
I hope you're willing to be my friend again.
I miss our friendship more than anything.
But if you don't want to be friends with somebody who did what I did, I understand.
If you ever change your mind, I'll be here.
That's the conversation.
From there, the rest is up to the fucking cosmos and the neural pathways of your friend's brain.
There it is. You can undo almost anything through communication or not even undo it, but you can at least attempt to undo it.
Whenever you're like, oh my God, I fucked something up with this person or that, can I undo it?
The answer is almost always, you can try.
Through honesty and genuine, authentic communication with another person.
Next, somebody said, advice on how to deal with a best friend that won't speak to you now that she has a boyfriend.
You know what? I've been this fucking friend who has gotten a boyfriend and then disappeared off the face of the earth.
Now, it's easy to jump to conclusions about a friend who has stopped talking to you because she's gotten into a relationship.
It's easy to assume she thinks she's better than me now that she has a boyfriend or her boyfriend changed her and now she's different.
It's easy to jump to conclusion.
What it probably is, is just that she's excited.
There's something really addicting and exciting and all -consuming about being in a new relationship.
A lot of it being irrational and delusional in a way.
Now, I'm not saying delusional in a negative way.
It's not negative necessarily.
It's just true. The little research that I've done about the beginning stages of a romantic situation, there's a lot of chemicals exploding in your brain, happy chemicals that according to Google mimic the feelings of very addictive, very exciting drugs.
There's so many emotions happening.
There's so many new feelings.
It's also something that a lot of us wait a long time for, to date somebody.
We're hunting for it, hunting for it, hunting for it.
Finally, we get it.
Then it's the only part of our lives that we want to focus on because we've wanted it for so long.
My recommendation would be be patient with your friend.
What she's doing right now, it's not ideal, but the truth is she's going to grow out of it.
I think the best thing that you can do is build a life without this friend.
A lot of times we have these friends that really are a significant part of our lives.
If this is that type of friend, you got to go out and start building a life around her where there's still space for her if she wants to come back, but you might need to make some new friends to be honest.
You might even get to a point where you realize, I actually don't know if I want to be friends with her anymore and that's okay too.
You might end up drifting apart from her in a way that is permanent and that happens.
I think if you really value her and you really want to be friends with her again, I would leave a little space for her for a while and just work towards building a group without her.
Listen, she's not going to be able to hear you right now.
She's in love. At least she thinks she is.
It could be lust. It could be love.
It could be just the explosive chemicals of reciprocated attraction.
Who fucking knows? Who knows how long it's going to last?
She's being selfish right now, but it's because it's almost like she's on a drug.
The way she's handling it is ultimately immature, but she's not going to be able to hear you right now.
There's no point in trying to have a conversation with her.
You can, but honestly, in my experience, she's not going to hear anything.
You have to wait till later to bring it up.
I think right now you distance yourself from her.
You stop reaching out.
You start making some new friends and she's going to start to realize, wait a minute, what happened?
I just lost one of my friends because I did.
Wait, and then she'll wake up and then she'll come running back and then you'll be like, I'm here, but that wasn't cool.
Then she'll learn her lesson and then everything's great.
She'll really learn her lesson if they have a sudden catastrophic breakup and she comes running back to you completely broken and you are forced to pick up the pieces.
My honest advice is just to be patient with her and just wait until she comes out of the haze that she's in right now, and then go from there.
Somebody said, how to deal with an ex -friend that's constantly trying to sabotage you?
Can I be honest? That is my worst fucking nightmare.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
That is so fucked up.
That is so dark, genuinely so dark, like sabotage in general.
Oh my God, no, I hate that shit.
Listen, I think there's a few things you can do.
Now, whether or not they're going to work, who fucking knows?
Number one, try to have a conversation with this ex -friend and say, listen, I don't know what your issue is, but I know that you're trying to sabotage me in all these different ways.
You can present proof, whatever.
This is really fucking with my quality of life and it's fucking with yours too.
So let's figure something out.
What do we need to do to figure this out?
That's one option, trying to confront and hopefully try to remind them like, hey, I'm a human being.
What the fuck is going on?
If that doesn't work, another option would be to fill everyone in in your life, tell all your friends, tell people about this.
Now, you don't want to make a big...
I don't know, if you're on a first date with somebody, maybe not, unless it comes up.
But I think it's good to keep people in your life in the loop because then they're not going to buy any of the bullshit.
You know what I mean?
They're going to help protect you.
They're going to help you outnumber this person.
My next piece of advice would be to be honest, find a way to get rid of this person.
Block their phone number, block them on all social media.
Honestly, if you work at the same job as them, consider moving jobs.
Sometimes people are just impossible to deal with and the best option is to just get away.
It's an unfair fact of life that sometimes someone will wrong you and then you have to be the one to fix it.
You know what I mean?
You have to be the one who runs away.
You have to be the one that picks up their life and moves towns to be away from this person.
You know what I mean?
But sometimes that's just what you have to do.
I'm so sorry you're going through that.
That is crazy. But also if they're really sabotaging you, I don't know, can you get the law involved?
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Next, somebody said, if I tell my friends about my depression, I think they'll think I'm faking it or want attention.
What should I do? Well, it's not a great sign.
That's definitely a sign that you don't feel safe and comfortable around your friends, which is honestly normal.
That happens. I've been in friend groups before where I was kind of intimidated by them, or I thought they were cooler than me.
Or, you know, I was like scared of their opinions.
Like, I've been in friend groups like that.
And sometimes it's self -inflicted, right?
Like, I am the one putting them on a pedestal.
I am the reason why I feel like they judge me or I try to put like my best foot forward in front of them.
Because like, you know, I feel like if I don't, then they won't like me anymore.
There's been scenarios in my life where I've had all these beliefs, not because of them, but because of me.
Like, I put them on a pedestal and that's why I didn't feel safe to be my genuine, authentic self in front of them.
But there's also been times where I've been friends with people who actually genuinely judge me, right?
And actually genuinely only like me, you know, when I'm perfect or whatever, you know what I'm saying?
And so I would say, first step would be to try to figure out to the best of your ability, which one of those two situations is occurring right now.
Are you putting them on a pedestal or are they putting themselves on a pedestal?
And then from there, you kind of have to do a scary test.
If this is something you really want to talk about with your friends, you might have to test it out and it might be painful.
It might be uncomfortable.
It might not go as planned, but that's sometimes the risk we have to take to build deeper bonds with our loved ones.
You know, I recommend if you come to the conclusion, like, you know what?
I think I'm putting them on the pedestal.
I don't think that actually, they might not judge me.
They might like, I don't think so.
If you come to the conclusion that you're not quite sure and you think it might be you, try it.
Worst case scenario, they respond badly, which is unfortunate and painful.
But then, you know, those aren't your real friends.
That's the worst case scenario.
The worst case scenario is that you get to find out that your friends suck and that you need new ones anyway.
So is it really a loss?
No, it's not. Anyone who doesn't believe in your mental challenges, that is not somebody you need in your life.
I have had people around me who could not fathom that I could have mental struggles because they're like, you have like a career that's successful and, you know, you're financially comfortable and all of this.
Like, you don't have, there's no excuse for you to have any sort of psychological pain.
And I was like, and I, and a lot of people think that a lot of people believe that about people, right?
Like, a lot of people look at those who, you know, maybe have more comfortable lifestyles and in certain areas and are like, you are not allowed to be sad.
Like, I don't care if the fucking internet feels that way.
Well, I can't control what the internet feels like, but somebody in my corner, in my life who doesn't believe that, like I can struggle psychologically because I have, you know, a comfortable job.
Like it, that is ridiculous.
I'm sorry it is because unfortunately those things don't, they maybe can help with, you know, they can help in a lot of ways with mental health challenges.
A lot of mental health challenges are caused by money related things, career related things.
Like I am not turning a blind eye to that.
Okay. I am fully aware of that.
However, that does not mean that people who have seemingly perfect lives do not have mental health issues because they do.
And so I've experienced that where people in my personal life who like know me well enough, I'm like, what?
If anyone should see me as a normal human being, it should be you.
You're in my personal life.
You're not looking at me through a screen.
You actually see me, know me or in my home, like whatever, telling me I'm not allowed to have mental health challenges.
I've been there. Okay.
Let me tell you, getting rid of those people, getting them out of your life is critical for your wellbeing.
I can't tell you how damaging it was to have people around that believed that all of my challenges were faked to somehow be sort of relatable or something, or to be normal or something.
It's horrible. It's horrible.
And to me, to be honest, it's kind of evil.
So my point is I've had an experience with this sort of situation and it's not fair.
It's not fair. And I know that feeling.
So if they respond badly, just be like, oh, time for them to go.
Those are not my friends anymore.
Or if it's like your boyfriend or your girlfriend or whoever, I don't care.
If you talk about your mental challenges, genuinely and truthfully, and somebody responds and says that you're faking it for attention, which honestly seems so evil.
It's so evil saying it out loud.
I'm like, I can't believe people actually do that.
I cannot comprehend it.
It's actually very crazy to me.
If somebody does that to you, you now know, wow, I have one less person that I have to pay attention to now because that person is now removed from my life.
Okay, moving on. Last but not least, somebody said, my childhood best friend went off to college and came back a completely different person.
How do I handle this change?
Well, the truth is we have to accept people for who they are as they ebb and flow.
Our personalities are constantly evolving and changing sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.
It is what it is. Okay, so that's the first thing.
Acceptance. You need to accept that your friend is a different person now.
They have lived life that you have not, and they are now different.
The first step is acceptance.
And the second step is to figure out what you want to do from there.
It's okay to be like, you know what?
I don't click with the new them.
I think I need to let this friendship go.
And it's also okay to be like, I don't know if I like it yet.
I'm just going to be like, you know, it's different and it's weird, but I'm going to try to get used to it.
Like, all of those are okay and valid and fair.
We often hold on to friendships that are nostalgic, simply because they're nostalgic.
And because we feel like we need to maintain friendships that we've had for years and years and years because it's like, oh, we've had them for so long.
They're so special.
We have to keep them.
You don't always, you know?
It's okay to be like, you know what?
We've grown each other.
We're going to move on from each other.
That might be the case with the situation and that's okay.
Don't hold on to the friendship just because of nostalgia.
It's okay to grow apart.
But also, it's okay to be like, you know what?
I feel weird about this, but I'm going to give it a try.
And I'm going to push through the discomfort and get to know the new version of my friend and learn to love them.
All right. That's it.
That's all my unprofessional advice.
I hope you loved how unprofessional it was.
Thank you for listening and hanging out.
It's always a pleasure.
New episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.
If you want to come hang out anytime, I'm here.
At Anything Goes on social media.
Anything Goes on all podcast streaming platforms.
At Emma Chamberlain on social media, if you want to find me in chamberlancoffee .com and at Chamberlain Coffee to find my coffee company on the internet, on the web, on the social media.
Thank you all for listening and hanging out.
I love you all and I will talk to you very, very soon.
Okay? This is not goodbye.
This is see you later.
See you later. This episode is brought to you by American Eagle.
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