Welcome to advice session, a series here on anything goes where you send in your current
dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice.
And wow, it is unprofessional.
But maybe that's what you like about it.
Today I've gathered some questions, dilemmas, complicated situations that involve friendship.
So we're going to be talking a lot about friendship today.
I'm going to be giving some friendship advice.
Now in my friendship expert, no, not really.
In fact, I'm known as someone who is not a friendship expert.
I've had many public friendships throughout my years on the internet and majority of them
have not worked out long term, which has raised some alarm bells for people on the internet.
Like why can't Emma keep a friend group?
My explanation for that is not everyone is going to make sense in your life for your
entire life.
It's taken me a while to find a group of long term friends because I was looking for something
that really made me feel good.
I was looking for friendships that really made me feel good and were really healthy.
And that's honestly challenging.
Similar to dating, it's hard to find a significant other that is a good match for you.
And it's the same thing with friends.
And I'm of the belief that you shouldn't settle if something's not working for you.
Something's not clicking in your life.
You got to go and try something new.
So I'm sort of known for being a friend group hopper in a way like on the internet anyway.
That's what I'm known as.
And that's fair.
But I do know a thing or two about friendship.
I would consider myself to be a really good friend.
Hopefully my friends agree with that.
I should just call and ask them before I say that myself.
But I would consider myself to be a good friend.
Yeah.
So those are my credentials for giving friendship advice.
Not a lot of credentials, but that is what you signed up for.
So all good.
Let's dive in to the questions, dilemmas, challenging situations that you are all going
through in this current moment.
Okay.
Somebody said, my friend group are four girls.
And they just recently started hanging out without me.
Why?
What did I do?
This is the worst fucking feeling of all time.
So I want to start out by saying, I'm sorry.
This shit sucks.
This is just one of those parts of life that feels completely unfair.
You know, there are a lot of worse things that make you feel like the world is unfair,
like death.
Like, there are many things that make you look at the universe and say, why would you do
this?
But I would argue that this type of situation also does that.
Even though it's less extreme and no one's dying and, you know, everyone's going to survive.
There's still something about it that's so fucking painful that it does make you look
up to the universe and say, what the fuck?
Like, this is so unfair.
So I'm sorry that you're going through that.
We've all been there at least once.
I think the first step is to truly self-analyze.
Now this is not to make yourself feel bad about yourself.
This is not to come to some sort of negative conclusion about yourself.
But rather, it's to try to figure out if there's something that you're doing, positive
or negative that's pushing them away.
Try to connect the dots.
Try to figure out a pattern.
For example, let's say ever since you got a new boyfriend, your friends have stopped
hanging out with you.
Okay, that's a pattern.
That's a clear cause and effect.
Or maybe you started to become more popular at school, more people like you, more people
are talking to you.
You're becoming, you know, I always call it like a school celebrity.
You know, there's like people at school who are like the celebrity, the popular kid, whatever.
Maybe you're starting to become more of the popular kid at school.
Did your friends change their behavior towards you?
Then try to figure out when things changed and what in your life changed simultaneously.
Because a lot of times that can be a sign as to what's going on.
For example, let's say you just started dating somebody.
Your friends might be jealous of the fact that you have a boyfriend.
They don't want to hear about it and it's pissing them off.
And they're like, no, she can go hang out with her fucking boyfriend.
We're going to go hang out without her.
It could be something like that.
Or let's say you have maybe started becoming more in tune with your morals, for example.
Okay, let's use that as an example.
Maybe you've come to the conclusion that you don't really like drinking and you don't
really like partying and you don't really like being mischievous.
I feel like a lot of times young people go through mischievous phases.
I remember in high school, everybody used to steal shit from them all.
I never did it because I was always too afraid, but there were many people who did it.
And it made me very uncomfortable personally.
I hated it.
I was like, oh my God, you guys, no, we're going to get caught.
This is going to be horrible.
Anyway, maybe your friends want to drink, want to steal shit from Nordstrom's, like,
and maybe you are making them feel bad about it.
Maybe you've decided, no, I don't like doing that stuff.
And they do.
You see what I'm saying?
I think the first step is to self analyze and to truly analyze the situation and see if
there's some sort of cause and effect.
Now the prior two examples I gave were more positive when it comes to, you know, you
as the individual, like you got into a relationship.
That's beautiful.
You have settled into your morals and values more.
Now you don't like to do the things that they like to do.
That's beautiful.
There's also a chance that you might discover that you're the problem.
Maybe you've been feeling insecure recently and it's caused you to brag a bit more or bring
your friends down a little bit, pick on them because you're feeling insecure.
For God knows what reason.
Maybe you're going through something in your personal life and it's causing you to lash
out a bit more and you're not as fun to be around.
It's challenging to analyze oneself in a way that's unbiased because we tend to be biased
towards ourselves.
No, I didn't do anything wrong.
I can't do anything wrong.
I know I didn't do anything wrong.
You can become blind to your potential flaws.
Now it can also go the other way and you can blame yourself for shit that you didn't
do, which is also unhealthy.
But I would say more often than not, we tend to assume that we're not the problem and
become blind to our flaws when it can be really life changing to teach yourself how to analyze
yourself in a way that's unbiased.
That's just based in fact.
What am I doing?
What are they doing?
What am I not doing?
What are they not doing?
How would I feel if I was friends with myself?
Would I think that I'm a good friend?
Yes or no?
And to answer those questions honestly is far more challenging than it sounds like it is.
And if you think about it, close your eyes and think about it.
There's no way you don't agree because I am aware of how important it is to analyze
myself in a way that is unbiased.
And I still catch myself making excuses for myself like defaulting to me being the victim.
It's human to do that.
We don't want to catch ourselves being the problem, but it must be considered in these
moments when a relationship has fizzled and you might come to the conclusion that you're
not the problem and that's more than an option.
It's not like either one.
It's not like, oh well, it's probably going to be this or it's probably going to be
that.
Because completely up to the situation, it's completely personal to you and your friends.
There's a chance that you did something to upset them.
There's a chance that you didn't.
Only you can figure that out.
But that leads me to my next step, which is it is important to have a conversation with
your friends.
It's fucking uncomfortable.
It sucks.
But I think some sort of communication is better than nothing.
And by that, I mean, if you want to shoot them a text because it's less confrontational
and it's more comfortable, that's better than not having a conversation at all.
Obviously, ideally, I think it would be great to be like, hey, something feels off.
Can we hang out and discuss it?
Because I want to know if I did something wrong or if you just don't fuck with me anymore,
like let's just figure this out because I'm sad.
I feel neglected by you guys.
And if there's a way that we can fix it, I want to fix it.
I think that's the next step is to figure out some sort of communication with this group.
And last but not least, depending on what happens, there's acceptance that's needed of whatever
they decide and whatever you decide.
A harsh reality to swallow sometimes is that there are going to be moments in your life
when people for one reason or another, sometimes for a reason that they can't even explain,
will decide that they don't want you in their life anymore.
And that is a harsh reality that is crucial for people to accept.
And at times, you didn't even do anything wrong.
It just doesn't fit anymore.
Sometimes that's simply what it is.
And you're going to cause yourself much more harm if you expect there to always be a clear
reason.
If you expect there to always be a fairness to it, like I feel like a lot of us assume
that if we're being good friend in our eyes, that there's no reason that anyone could
leave us.
But at any given time, people can leave us.
And that is up to them.
And we can be upset and we can be frustrated and we can feel hurt by it.
But we ultimately have to accept it.
Because there have been times in my life where I've made decisions about friends that I've
had where I'm like, you know, I just don't think that this friendship is uplifting me,
is making me feel good.
And they never did anything particularly, you know, nothing big ever happened.
But it was just like, you know what?
I don't think that we're on the same path in life.
And I don't feel like this friendship is inspiring to me.
And I've cut friends off because of that.
Did they do anything wrong?
Like did they backstab me or do something evil?
Not necessarily.
But I just didn't feel like the friendship was adding to my life.
And I sort of felt like it was a burden and it was not giving me the space to go and explore
new friendships that might be more inspiring to me in the following chapters of my life.
You know, there isn't always going to be a perfect explanation.
There isn't always going to be an obvious reason.
Sometimes it just isn't feeling right anymore for one side.
And it fucking sucks.
But when that's made clear to you, the best thing you can do is just say, you know what?
I'm going to try my best to just accept this and move on and find new friends.
Because by the way, you don't want a friend that isn't on your team anyway.
It's so much better to go out and find a more loyal group of friends instead of sticking
in a group of friends that isn't fully on your team, doesn't fully appreciate your
friendship.
On the other hand, they might also say, we stopped hanging out with you because of this
reason. And now you have another type of acceptance that you need to figure out how to accomplish.
Instead of just accepting the unknown, now you have to accept that you might have done
something wrong.
And sometimes you have to accept that you did something wrong, even if you disagree
with them.
Like they might say, you've been hanging out with your boyfriend too much.
So we just stopped hanging out with you.
And you might be like, yeah, but I'm excited.
I have this new boyfriend.
I want to spend time with my new boyfriend and split that 50, 50 with you guys.
Like why is that upsetting to you all?
And they're like, well, because we hang out every day and you don't hang out with us
every day.
And we don't like that.
So we just don't want you in the group at all.
You might not agree with what they think that you did wrong.
And that's also really challenging because now you have to accept that they don't want
to be friends with you anymore for a reason that you don't think is morally wrong.
You think there's nothing wrong with what you did.
But yet now you're losing friends for something that to you is not offensive is not wrong.
And that's also really challenging.
But again, it takes two to tango and any type of relationship.
And if the other party is feeling a certain way about something that you're doing, you
can't control how they feel about it.
It can be unfair in your eyes, but you can't change the way that they feel if they don't
like something that you're doing.
You have to accept that that is the way that they feel.
You cannot change that.
You can say, listen, this is why I'm doing that.
I really think our friendship is worth fighting for.
I really think we should try to figure out a way to find a happy medium.
You can say all of that and they might take it and you might be able to work through it,
but they also might not take it.
And you have to be accepting of both scenarios.
If you can find a way to remedy the friendship, that's beautiful.
However, you have to ask yourself first, do I want to be friends with people who just
stop hanging out with me out of nowhere and don't confront the issue at hand?
You have to ask yourself that.
Is it even worth remedying?
Because I personally don't like being friends with people who won't be fully 100% real
with me.
If something's up, I want them to come and tell me immediately if I fucked up, if I did
something wrong, if I heard their feelings, I want them to come to me so we can work through
it together.
I don't like random, changed behavior out of nowhere.
Like all of a sudden we're not hanging out as much, all of a sudden they're not talking
to me anymore.
I really value friendships where we're fully open, everything's out on the table.
And I think there's something to be said for learning together.
So you know, you can go and confront your friends and say, hey, why are you doing this?
Like why are you communicating with me?
This is really confusing and upsetting for me.
And you can say moving forward, if we're going to be friends, like this is a deal breaker
for me.
Like we need to be communicating.
You can try that and that might work great and everyone might learn from it.
But again, there's a chance that that won't be the case and that this is just the way that
they are.
And you might be better off searching for a new group of friends.
I think a lot of times we stay in the same group of friends for longer than we should because
we're like, this is comfortable.
This is safe.
Same thing with romantic relationships.
This is comfortable.
This is safe.
I don't want to leave this because I don't want to be a quitter and I don't want to
shoot myself out into the unknown and have to start over.
Understandably so.
But when things like this arise, you should ask yourself, do I want to be friends with
people who behave this way?
It's a question to ask.
But either way, you're going to be fine.
Whether you learn together in the friendship or you go out and you make new friends eventually,
which is a time consuming and sometimes daunting process, whatever you end up doing, you will
be fine.
And you will find your next group.
Somebody said, how do I make friends?
I'm in a new school and I feel so lost.
I understand this because in middle school, I transferred to a new school where I didn't
know anyone and everyone else knew each other from elementary school and shit.
Everybody already had their friend group and I was a loner.
It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.
I was just talking about this with somebody the other day.
It's wild how many social nightmares you have to encounter when you're a kid.
And it's all so beneficial for learning and growing and developing into a functioning
adult.
But fuck, it sucks.
Here's my advice.
Okay.
Number one, you got to trust the process.
It might take a little bit.
You might have a few weeks or a few months of being kind of a loner.
I ate lunch by myself a few times, quite a few times actually in middle school.
I've done that again, even I think in high school a few times I ate lunch by myself when
I was in between friend groups or dealing with drama and other friend groups.
There are times when you might be a loner and there's two ways you can look at it.
Number one, like this is so embarrassing.
Everyone else has their group of friends and I'm a loner or you can look at it as this
is just a temporary reality for me right now and I'm going to make the most of it.
I'm going to work on my homework at lunch.
I'm going to read a book at lunch.
I'm going to go into the library and go on the computer and watch YouTube videos.
I'm going to make the most of this time alone.
I would say lunchtime tends to be the most challenging time when you're a new kid at school
because you don't know where to go.
You don't know who to sit with.
But I would say the first step is to accept the gray area that you're in right now where
no one really knows you and you don't really know what to do.
You're kind of just in limbo.
I was so uncomfortable with that phase when I was younger and I wish I would have just
accepted it and appreciated it in a way while it was happening because I think that there's
something kind of beautiful about that time.
There can be something really enjoyable about having a peaceful lunch by yourself.
There's something peaceful about not having anyone to hang out with on the weekends.
I think if you can change your perspective, change your lens on how you view that time
of your life and look at it as a time to grow, a time to enjoy your hobbies or develop
new ones, a time to reflect on what kind of friendship you're looking for, a time to
think about your plan, how you plan on making friends.
That's a beautiful time.
So I think accepting that is my first piece of advice.
My second piece of advice is try your absolute best to involve yourself in as many social
activities as possible.
For example, when I was in middle school, I joined a competitive cheerleading team in
fifth or sixth grade.
That helped me so much when it came to making friends because doing a team sport, you're
just hanging out with the same kids every single day and naturally you just build these
friendships.
A lot of times too, especially with sports teams that are outside of school, you end up
making friends, like everyone's kind of random.
Everyone's coming from different schools and stuff and you're all meeting together to
do this sport together.
And that can be a great opportunity.
But also something through school can be great.
Like doing a school sport.
I made a lot of friends through doing high school sports.
I was not necessarily as much of a new kid in high school because I knew a few kids from
middle school, but I still made a bunch of friends doing cross country, you know, doing
track and field.
And I did cheerleading for a very brief little period of time before I got kicked off the
team for missing too many practices.
I made some friends on the cheer team like involving yourself in the school is so helpful.
And there's endless options, you know what I mean?
You can fucking run for class president, which is so scary.
I would never have done that, but you could do that.
You could join the chess club.
You could join like, it sounds cringy.
It sounds corny.
We all like to think we're too cool for this shit, but let me tell you, it is such a great
way to meet people because in class, it's harder to talk to people like you need to be
paying attention.
You'll get in trouble if you try to socialize at lunch.
Everybody has their group.
It's very hard to integrate sports and clubs and things like that are so helpful because,
you know, you can naturally be a bit more social.
And I've found a lot of value in that.
But also accepting people's invitations, like I remember in middle school, there were
a few nice people who could tell that I was new, who invited me to sit with them at lunch.
And a lot of times these people were, you know, they were very nice, but maybe we didn't
have a lot in common or we weren't, you know, like I wasn't initially drawn to them in
a way because again, like we don't have a lot in common.
We don't like the same movies.
We don't like read the same books.
We don't have things in common, but they were just nice.
And they were like, hey, you don't have anyone to sit with.
Come sit with us.
And even though it was a weird match, it maybe didn't click perfectly.
It's important to accept those offers.
I think at times we can feel like, oh, this is not a friend group that I'm like striving
to be in.
So maybe I shouldn't take up this offer.
You can judge people in a way and say like, I don't think I'm going to fit into this
friend group.
Like this just doesn't make sense for me.
Don't judge a friend group by its cover, if you will.
That doesn't make sense.
But don't judge them.
If someone offers to have you sit with them at lunch, say yes.
Sit with as many friend groups as you possibly can.
Try to become friends with everyone.
I think a lot of times we can search for a friend group.
We want to find a friend group.
And that happens eventually.
But in the meantime, try to be friends with everyone.
Anyone who reaches out a helping hand to you, take that helping hand.
Even if you don't see a future for the friendship, it doesn't matter.
Try to become friends with as many people as possible.
Okay.
Next.
Somebody said, how do I end a friendship when I feel like we aren't seeing eye to eye anymore?
This is really challenging because there's a difference between ending a friendship because
you don't feel like you're seeing eye to eye anymore and ending a friendship because
somebody did something bad, right?
It's far easier to end a friendship when somebody did something bad because you can say,
hi, you did this and it's fucked up.
And I don't want to be friends with you anymore because of this obvious reason.
And that's very hard to come back.
Like the other person can't come back to you and say, no, we should still be friends
and you should forgive me for this because if somebody did something really genuinely
fucked up, they know.
Like they know that they fucked up and they know it's your right to not be friends with
them anymore and that you have a more than fair reason to leave.
It's a lot more challenging when the reasoning for ending the friendship is vague.
And I've ended friendships for this reason more often than not where there's a bunch
of little small things or I just feel like we don't align anymore.
And it is really challenging because it can cause a lot of anger from the other party
because they can feel blindsided like what the fuck did I do?
And sometimes the reasons why you don't want to be friends with someone anymore are not
things that are helpful to communicate.
Like for example, I've ended friendships with people because I felt like they were too
immature.
How am I supposed to go and tell this person?
I feel like you're too immature for me.
Like I have grown out of our friendship and I don't want to be your babysitter and I
can't deal with the way that you handle situations.
It's not aligned with me.
It's exhausting for me.
But that's something that's very challenging to communicate and arguably not helpful.
They have to figure out their maturity on their own.
Obviously communication is the best policy.
If you can find a way to politely communicate to your friend like, hey, I don't think
we're seeing eye to eye anymore.
The way that you handle situations just does not work with me.
If you feel like there's a way that you can communicate it where it's going to be beneficial
and helpful or you feel that it's worth risking an angry response from the other person,
then obviously communication is the best policy.
But in the past, I have personally really struggled with communicating this particular
reasoning for ending a friendship and a lot of times I've sort of slowly let the friendship
dwindle.
Start hanging out less, stop calling as much.
Still be there for support but not be as readily available to this person.
To be honest, I don't love that method.
I've done that a lot in the past.
But as I mentioned earlier with the first dilemma, the friend group of four girls and they
started hanging out without one of the girls, it is unfair to just kind of leave someone
in the dust.
Like it is definitely better to communicate.
But sometimes it's so challenging that sometimes you just end up dwindling the friendship
and letting it kind of dissipate in the thin air.
But I've found in the past that that isn't always effective.
Your friendships that aren't super close, it tends to work great.
There's less expectation there.
There's less of a bond there.
So it's much easier to just let the friendship dwindle.
But with friendships that are deeper, like best friends, it's not the most effective.
And I've done it with people who were best friends with me.
And I really do think that the best way to do it is to find some way to communicate it.
And you might not be able to say the exact reason.
You might not feel like that's helpful.
And that's why it's so challenging.
If you feel like you can say exactly what's wrong and you feel like there's a way that
you can communicate it that's going to be helpful, help them grow.
And whatever, great, please do that.
That's amazing.
I found that to be really challenging in the past.
And what I've tended to do instead when conversations come up, when these friends can
front me and say, why are we drifting apart, like what happened?
If there's reasons that I don't feel comfortable saying, a lot of times what I end up saying is,
listen, I just need some space.
I am not in a place right now where I think I can be a good friend to you.
I don't have it in me to be the type of friend that I want to be to you.
And I think it's best if we sort of have some time apart for a while.
And down the line, maybe it makes sense to rekindle the level of closeness that we once
had.
But right now, I just don't have it in me to be a good friend to you.
And I think you can put it on yourself sometimes when there's not an obvious reason.
And it's something a bit more vague.
Because in a way, it's true.
In a way that is telling the truth.
If you're not seeing eye to eye anymore and you don't really want to be friends anymore,
it's true that you can't be a good friend of them.
So it's not even fully like a lie, it's just not addressing the main issue.
Some people might disagree and say you should just say it.
But if the issue is like, they've been partying a bit more and like, I don't really like
partying or like, they have a new group of friends that I don't really like.
It's like that's something that they're going to do.
That's what they want to do with their lives.
It's not always your place to step in and say, I don't like that.
And that can cause an argument that's impossible to solve.
They want to do what they want to do with their life.
And is it helpful to say, I don't like that you're doing this, even though it's not directly
harming me necessarily.
I just don't like that you're doing this.
And it makes me feel misaligned with you.
And I don't really feel like our friendship's working anymore.
I don't know.
In the moments when I've tried that, I've ended up sort of regretting it and wishing I
just put it on myself and said, you know what, I just don't think I can be a good friend
to you anymore.
I think, you know, it's my fault.
I'm sorry.
I think we need some space.
So I think in conclusion, because I was very messy, ideally if you feel like there's
a way that you can communicate the reasoning for not seeing eye to eye anymore, if you feel
like you can communicate that in a way that is beneficial for all parties, go ahead and
do it.
If not, put it on yourself and say that you're just not in a place to be a good friend
of them anymore.
Next, somebody said, how did distance yourself from people who you feel aren't good for your
soul?
This is sort of similar to the last question, but it's different because instead of ending
the friendship, you just want to distance yourself from the friendship.
And there's a huge difference because distancing yourself from the friendship is still maintaining
the friendship to an extent, but being best friends with them is not good for your soul,
but you don't want to completely cut them out of your life.
I would say there's a similar sort of method when it comes to solving this problem as the
last question, which is number one, communicating if you can to the best of your ability.
Saying, you know, there's a few things that are happening in our relationship that are
kind of upsetting to me.
And I don't think I can handle it anymore.
And I think, you know, I still want you in my life, but I think we're better off
as being less close.
That, listen, that's great.
But I also think too, when you still plan on keeping someone in your life, you can distance
yourself without having a conversation as well.
And I think that that can still be effective.
And if the other person feels confused and they want to bring it up, they will.
And then you handle that when that happens.
But when they ask to hang out, maybe you don't say yes as much anymore.
You're not as available for that person anymore.
And there's not necessarily anything wrong with that.
Like, I think we tend to feel guilty about cutting off friendships or distancing ourselves
from people.
But that's our prerogative, all of us as individuals have a right to distance ourselves from
people and friendships as much as we want.
If something's not working for us, we have that right.
We don't need to coddle anyone and be friends with anyone out of pity.
That's not good for anyone involved long term.
We all have the right to leave.
And we should if we feel that is necessary.
We all have the right to distance ourselves if we feel that that's necessary.
So try to remove the guilt and figure out what method works best for you, which one of
those two methods works best for you.
And what also you think will be responded to the best by the other party.
Like some people are incapable of getting constructive criticism.
And a lot of times you know that about a friend.
Like you know that if you bring up something that you think that they're doing wrong, it's
just going to, it's not going to help anyone.
And you can try it.
But there's some people where it literally does not go through.
And if you know that about somebody and you're like, I don't know, there's no way to get
through to them, then all you can do is just distance yourself, stop hanging out as much,
stop responding to them as much and let it just slowly but surely distance.
Next, somebody said, what to do when you have a friend that just keeps making the wrong
choices?
Is it even my business?
How do I help?
This is really challenging because I do think to an extent there's something beautiful
about being a support system for your friend and calling out when you think that they're
doing something bad.
That's how we learn is by other people putting us in check.
But again, some people are receptive to criticism and other people are not.
And so I think the first step is to try and say, listen, and it's very important how
you communicate it.
You can't attack them because that immediately puts people off.
If you confront them in a way that feels angry or violent or judgmental, people shut
down when they're approached in that way.
So it's very important to approach them in a way that's empathetic and loving and gentle.
And basically just say, hey, you know, I'm worried about the way that you're handling this
certain situation.
I don't, I don't think it's healthy for you.
I don't think it's healthy for anyone else.
Like this is a problem.
And I, you know, I'm noticing it, I'm seeing it and I can't not say something because I'm
your friend and I love you and I want the best for you.
And this is not healthy.
This is not good for you.
And now you sit back and you relax to the best of your ability and you see how they respond.
They might respond receptively and say, wow, you know what, you're right.
Thank you.
Like I'm, yeah, like you're right.
I know.
Thank you for bringing that up.
I'm going to think about that a lot more.
I really appreciate it.
On the other hand, they might say, no, fuck you.
Like I'm an adult or I'm smart or whatever.
I can make my own decisions.
Like it's none of your business.
They might respond defensively.
And if that's the case, now you know whether or not this is a friend that you can communicate
with successfully.
And if there's somebody who's receptive to advice or to criticism, great.
That's a friendship that's much easier to maintain.
And unless they are just all talk and they say in the moment, oh my god, you're so right.
And then they just keep doing it.
That's a friendship that is actually beneficial for the both of you.
If they take your criticism and they take your advice and they take your concern and they
actually act on it and try to do better, that's great.
Problem solved.
If they, in the moment are receptive, but then don't listen, now you know that they're
not somebody who follows through with their word in a way.
They don't have the discipline to do so.
And you have to ask yourself a question, is that somebody I want to be friends with?
Can I handle watching this person make mistakes left and right?
Can I handle that?
Can I accept them as they are?
And then you have to make a decision.
On the other hand, if they're completely non receptive, that's usually a red flag.
But maybe you're willing to put up with it.
That's a question you have to ask yourself.
At the end of the day, your friend is who they are.
You have to accept them for who they are.
And that's a question you have to ask yourself every day.
Is this somebody that I accept as they are?
You can make suggestions.
You can try to be helpful, but you cannot change them.
It's not your job to change them.
It's not your business to change them.
It can be your business to give advice or to call out when something seems wrong.
Sure.
Because you're their friend and you're a part of their support system and it's important
to hold your friends accountable.
Advice versa, you should try to seek friends who hold you accountable as well.
But once you offer them advice, it's up to them what they do with it.
And then you have to make a decision based on how they react to it.
Somebody said, how to do with feeling left out slash like an outcast?
I think again, this sort of goes back to what I said earlier about this sort of limbo
period where you don't have friends when you're trying to make friends at a new school.
It's reframing the way that you look at that period of your life.
And it's about having hope that you will find your community.
The worst thing you can do is come to the conclusion that you're doomed, that you'll never
make friends, that you'll never feel like you have a community.
It's sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you start to believe that, then that becomes true.
But if you can muster up the strength inside to change the way that you view the situation
and look at it like, you know what?
I'm unique.
I'm different.
I don't fit in.
And that makes me cool, actually.
That's cool, especially in the adult world.
Like once you get out of school, it becomes cooler and cooler to be sort of an outcast.
And it becomes easier to find a community because instead of being confined to your school
or something, you know, you have the whole world to explore.
But depending on where you are in your life, you can still feel left out in like an outcast,
even when you're an adult.
It's a mindset thing.
It's about, again, reminding yourself that this is just a period of your life and that
you will find a community to believe that is to have it come true.
It's like the stories that we tell ourselves impact the way that we view the world.
And if you say something to yourself like, I'm doomed, I'm an outcast.
I'll never find friends.
That is how you see the world.
You see the world as a place where you don't belong anywhere.
And that's what you start to see.
We look for patterns that confirm our beliefs.
And so if we believe in our heart that we are an outcast and we will not find friends,
then you will not because that's what you will see.
But if you believe, no, I will find friends.
This is just a period of my life where I'm lonely and I haven't found my community.
You'll see things that you wouldn't see otherwise because you believe that friendship is out
there.
Like for example, let's say you are at work.
Okay, you're at work.
And you don't know everyone at your work.
You work at a big company or something and there's a lot of people who work there.
If you see the world as a lonely place where you don't belong, if you walk into the lunchroom
one day and see someone sitting alone, you'll look at that person and say, they don't
want to be my friend.
They'll think I'm weird if I go and sit with them.
And so you'll miss an opportunity to potentially make a new friend.
Whereas if you see the world as a place where friendship is possible, community is possible.
You might see somebody sitting alone and say they kind of look like an outcast too.
They kind of look like they're lacking community too.
I'm going to shoot my shot and go try to sit with them and spark up conversation.
See what I'm saying?
The beliefs that you hold change the way that you analyze situations on a day-to-day basis.
And so it's important to be aware of that.
On top of that, again, as I mentioned earlier, it's about looking at that period of your life
as a time to develop yourself as a time to solidify your goals and beliefs about the world
and what type of friendships you want to have.
And it's a time of reflection.
It can be a very beautiful time if you look at it that way.
But if you look at it through a pessimistic lens, it only makes the problem worse.
And I know it might sound like wishful thinking like, yeah, but I've been trying to find my
community for a long time and I haven't found it yet.
I think I'm doomed.
It can feel that way, but you can't give up.
And it's not true.
There's a community and a friendship out there for everyone.
You just have to be patient and accept the limbo and keep a positive mindset.
It sounds fucking cringe.
That's not to say that you shouldn't feel sad about it sometimes.
It's normal to feel sad about it sometimes.
That's a part of the process, I think, feeling sad about being lonely is what motivates
you to take risks and talk to people even when it's uncomfortable.
If we didn't have that feeling of sadness when we're in phases of loneliness, what would
motivate us to go and make friends anyway?
And that is almost a survival mechanism, that feeling of sadness.
Like in order to get us out there to go meet people, let that sadness, let that pain motivate
you to take risks socially.
All right, that's all I have for today.
That's my advice.
Hopefully it was somewhat helpful.
It is definitely on professional.
I am not a specialist in this, but maybe it was a little helpful.
Let me know what you think.
If you have advice that differs from mine, let me know on the Instagram at anything goes
new episodes of anything goes every Thursday and Sunday.
Tune in on any platform that you stream podcasts, although if you want to watch video interviews
when I do interviews, check that out on Spotify.
Follow anything goes on all platforms at anything goes.
Follow me on all platforms at Emma Chamberlain.
Check out my coffee company, Chamberlaincoffee.com.
Check out the store locator and see if we're in a store near you or just order online and
delish, coffee and matcha and things of that sort.
We'll show up directly at your door.
I love you all and appreciate you all.
And love our little hangout that we have twice a week.
And I hope that you enjoy it too.
Yeah, I love you all.
I appreciate you all and I will talk to you very soon.
Bye.
