Hello and welcome back to Advice Session.
A series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice.
And today's topic is the forbidden crush, okay?
Having a crush is already complicated enough, but when you have a forbidden crush, wow, that is tough.
You know what a forbidden crush is?
It's a crush that you're not supposed to have.
We all get those every once in a while.
Today I'm gonna be giving you advice on how to deal with the forbidden crush.
Let's begin. Somebody said, what to do if you have a crush on your friend's ex.
Oh, no, God, okay. Well, this is really tough because on one hand you can't control who you have feelings for, right?
Like if you have a crush on someone, you have a crush on someone.
If we could control who we had a crush on, life would be a whole lot fucking easier, right?
We wouldn't be stuck in three year long crushes with someone who doesn't like us back.
But because we don't have control over it, that shit happens to everyone, okay?
So I think first you should recognize that you're not a bad person for having a crush on your friend's ex.
What determines your character is what you do about the situation.
So I encourage you not to feel guilty about the crush to start, right?
And actually that sort of applies to any forbidden crush.
You don't need to feel guilty about the crush itself because there's nothing you can do about it, okay?
Your character is determined based on what you do about the crush.
Your actions are what you are judged based on.
That is what your character is based on.
So with that being said, okay, this is your friend's ex.
Now, I think one of the most helpful methods for figuring out a plan is to put yourself in your friend's shoes first, okay?
How would you feel if your friend started dating your ex?
I can almost guarantee you would really not like that, okay?
Although it might be complicated if you're somebody who's never been in a serious relationship before, you've maybe never, I don't know, felt like you were in love with someone before.
You don't know what that feeling feels like.
It might be challenging to sort of empathize.
You might be like, well, I don't even really know what that feels like.
Like, it's almost like how right now I can't imagine what it would feel like to have a child.
Like, I can't imagine what that love would feel like because I've never felt it before.
And so when I think about how much my parents love me or I don't know, how much people love their kids, I'm like, I can't really imagine what that feeling would be like.
But when I ask my parents about it, like what does it feel like to have a kid?
Like, what does that feel like?
They're like, it's unlike any love you've ever felt before, you know?
And I think it's the same thing with romantic love.
You don't know what that feels like until you've experienced it, right?
So if you have not experienced it before, and maybe that's why you're like, like, I don't know, what should I do?
Like, should I just date them?
Like, maybe it's not a big deal.
Find someone in your life who has been in love before and talk about it with them.
I can guarantee they will tell you not to make any sort of move on your friend's ex because the feelings that we have towards our exes are very complicated and very deep and very painful usually.
And so chances are that won't work out well.
However, I look at my own dating roster and I look at the guys that I've dated and there's a few on there where if like one of my friends wanted to date them, I'd be like, I don't fucking care, but it's because I was never in love with that guy.
Like, I've dated guys that I did not love, ultimately, and they did not love me and that's fine.
In that situation, it's a bit more complicated.
Like, okay, if it's your friend's ex from like middle school and they never loved each other, that's probably fine.
You know, you should maybe talk about it with your friend, but chances are it's probably fine.
If it's your friend's ex and they broke up a year ago and they dated for five years and they were in love the whole time, that is something you should not get involved in.
I think overall, it's best to avoid the friend's ex.
And I think that's common sense.
And I think you know that, right?
I mean, by the way that you phrased the question, it sounds like you know that.
And it sounds like what you're really asking is like, how do you get rid of the feelings?
Now that's something that's a bit more complicated, right?
Because there's no foolproof way to stop having a crush on someone.
You know what I mean?
Like you kind of can't control it.
But there are things that make it easier.
Number one, avoid spending time with your friend's ex.
The less you're around them, the less you can feed the crush.
Every time you're around your crush, you make the crush stronger, you make the crush worse.
If you're not around the person, you end up kind of losing interest and getting distracted by someone else.
Which leads me to my next piece of advice.
Start hanging out with new people.
Try to find someone new to have a crush on.
Make that a goal for yourself.
And last but not least, be patient.
It might take a little bit of time, but eventually the crush will go away.
And you'll be glad that you didn't act upon it because trust me, that shit gets so messy.
I can almost guarantee that that is not something you want to do.
Next, somebody said, I have a crush on an old friend that moved far away.
They're coming back for a week.
Any tips? To me, this is sort of a forbidden crush situation because it's very painful and challenging to have a crush on somebody who doesn't live near you.
I mean, listen, is a long distance relationship doable for at least a certain chunk of time?
For sure, like can you kind of make that work?
For sure. Is that complicated as well?
Yes. But I think that, you know, you shouldn't completely rule someone out because they don't live near you.
There's workarounds with that.
So you have a crush on this old friend.
They're coming back for a week.
What should you do?
Here's what I would do, okay?
At this point, they live far away, right?
So you can kind of be a bit riskier, I would say, with your actions because ultimately they will leave again.
It's not like you're gonna run into them at the grocery store the next day after like confessing your love to them.
And now it's awkward.
Like they do ultimately end up leaving again.
So that's kind of awesome.
And I would take advantage of that.
And I do think that there's so many of you said for kind of confessing your love, you know, and seeing what happens because somebody's gotta do it sometimes.
You know what I mean?
I will say though, before you make any sort of move, you have to weigh out the pros and cons, okay?
There is a risk whenever you tell a friend that you have a crush on them, that that might ruin the friendship.
It might make the friendship awkward.
That is definitely a risk.
But I think you have to weigh the pros and cons with yourself.
Like, is it worth it to potentially ruin the friendship for the chance that we might be able to be together?
That's something only you can decide.
Once you come to that conclusion, move forward accordingly.
Listen, if you end up deciding, you know what?
I value this friendship too much, I can't tell them.
It's just, I can't do it.
Alright, well then when they come and hang out for a week, just enjoy their presence.
Hang out with them as much as possible and look at them and enjoy having a crush on them because I'll tell you, having a crush on somebody is one of the most fun things in the entire world.
Is it also one of the most horribly painful things in the whole world?
Yes, but is it also one of the most fun things in the whole world?
Yes, and you know what?
You can flirt a little bit in a way that's respectful and won't make them uncomfortable.
There's little teeny ways that you can flirt.
Have fun with doing that.
Just enjoy being friends and maybe flirt a teensy bit in ways that are understated and respectful, okay?
That's fun. But if you're like, you know what, fuck it.
I don't care. I've had this crush for so long, they don't even live near me anymore.
We're barely friends.
We don't even get to talk as much anymore.
I'm just gonna tell them that I like them.
I would recommend telling your friend at the end of the trip, on their last day, be like, listen, you know what?
This is awkward, but I've always liked you, I like you, I have feelings for you.
If you don't have feelings for me, I fucking get it.
However, I just can't keep it in anymore.
If you don't like me, I hope we can still be friends because it's okay, I'll move on, blah, blah, blah.
But I do like you. Or you could even leave a note in their bag and they can read it on the plane, like something like that.
Why not? And then you don't have to see them again for a while.
I don't know, I think that's fun.
Okay, next, somebody said, okay, so my boyfriend of eight -ish months broke up with me in April on a FaceTime call because he was moving away to boarding school and he doesn't wanna do long distance.
We were in no contact for like three weeks, but then it was his birthday and he got in touch with me because I didn't wish him a happy birthday.
Ooh, that was savage mode on your part.
Now we are back in contact and have seen each other in person a few times since.
I know we are definitely not getting back together, but I love hanging with him.
So what do I do? Because I'm worried I'm gonna get hurt but I also don't wanna lose him.
And we're going to the same festival in two weeks and wanna spend time together, but part of me thinks he might cut me off after that.
What do I do? Do I keep spending time with him all summer and hoping we, I don't know, somehow get back together?
Or do I just stay friendly and we be friends all summer?
Or do I cut him off so that I don't have any chance of getting hurt?
Thank you. Yes, I understand this dilemma.
This has happened to me, something sort of similar.
Where my boyfriend broke up with me, I was heartbroken about it.
We started talking again.
He was like, I don't wanna be together, but like I like talking to you and stuff, but we're not getting back together.
And I was like, totally.
And then deep down, I was like, I'll get him to get back together with me.
Like I'll find a way.
Like he'll fall in love with me again or something.
And so I continued hanging out with him and I ended up getting very hurt because it just didn't end up working out the way I wanted it to.
Anyway, moral of the story is I've definitely experienced something very similar to this.
My advice is this, you know the truth.
The truth is you're probably not getting back together, okay?
You're admitting that to yourself.
You're admitting that to me.
You're probably not gonna get back together, okay?
I think a lot of times when we continue hanging out with someone, spending time with them, and we deep down wanna get back together, it's because deep down, we think that we actually could convince them to get back together with us.
You know what I'm saying?
Like you, I think that you actually do deep down think that there's a chance that you can get back together.
Otherwise you'd be like, all right, I have to move on.
There's a sliver of you inside right now that says there's a chance we might get back together.
And I understand that because that's exactly what I did.
I would tell people, I'm like, no, we're not getting back together.
We're not getting back together.
No, he doesn't wanna get back together with me.
He doesn't wanna get back together with me.
But I kept hanging out with him because deep down inside of me, I didn't wanna believe that to be true.
And I held out hope.
And guess what? It did not work out for me, okay?
Because I decided to sort of make a rule with him.
I was like, I only wanna like hang out and stuff if you're only talking to me.
Like I'm the only girl you're talking to.
And then I wasn't. Although he kind of told me I was.
But I think he was just saying that so that I'd fucking shut up.
And I would just hang out with him and we could all hang out and still be friends and everything would be fine.
And then I later found out that he was talking to other girls when he told me that he was just talking to me.
And then I was heartbroken and felt like I got cheated on even though it's complicated.
He was not honest with me, but also like he didn't, we weren't technically dating, very complicated, but it caused me so much pain, okay?
What I would recommend you do, I would recommend you have a conversation with him and be like, listen, to be honest, I love spending time with you.
I really wanna get back together and I wanna try to make long distance work.
And if we can't do that, then I don't think I can be around you.
It's too painful for me.
And I think that we need to just take a break and maybe we can reconnect in a few months, a year.
But I just, I can't do this right now otherwise, because I'm gonna get my heartbroken a lot worse.
That's what I would recommend doing.
However, sometimes the best way to learn is to touch the stove and feel that it's hot and learn that it's hot and learn that it burns.
And that's what I did.
And I will say like, in my sort of parallel situation, when I ended up finding out that he was talking to other girls and he did some other things that were not very nice to me, I got so fed up that I called him on the phone and exploded on him and hung up my phone and never talked to him again.
And that's how I ultimately broke the cycle with him was by trying it again, getting burned, going back for more, getting burned worse, going back for more, getting burned worse until ultimately I was like, I cannot talk to this man again.
I hate him so much that I can never speak to him again.
Now, ideally we don't hate our exes.
I mean, how beautiful it'd be if we didn't hate our exes.
But I think sometimes you have to keep going back for more until ultimately you hate them and they've hurt you so badly that you can never go back to them again.
And sometimes that's the best way to break the cycle.
So I think if you think you have it in you, you have the discipline and you have the desire to have that uncomfortable conversation and potentially leave that conversation with the answer that you both are not gonna talk for the next six months to a year, I would recommend that.
However, I would not judge.
Like I also understand just trying it and getting burned potentially until you ultimately can't be with them at all anymore and you hate them.
Obviously I think one is better, but I also think both will teach you a valuable lesson.
Somebody said, I have a crush on a guy who has a girlfriend, but he isn't loyal to her and has cheated three times.
What do I do? Okay, well, it's tough because I don't necessarily believe once a cheater always a cheater because I do know people who have cheated, who have since come around and I really truly believe are not cheaters anymore.
I think it depends, right?
I think it depends.
However, if you have a crush on this guy and he's currently with a girl right now and he's cheating on her over and over and over again, chances are he's gonna do that with you, okay?
If you have a crush on someone who cheated on someone like five years ago, okay, whatever, and they haven't cheated since, okay, whatever.
You know what I'm saying?
Like it's fine. I think that there's different types of cheaters.
Like there's someone who's a serial cheater who, it sounds like this guy that you have a crush on is a serial cheater.
He's currently with a woman and he's cheated on her three times over and over and over again.
He's not learning from his mistake, right?
And it's current. So is there a chance that 10 years down the line he might not be a cheater anymore?
Maybe, but right now he's a cheater, okay?
So you need to take that for what it is.
Again, I think it's different if you have somebody who maybe cheated on their girlfriend three times when they were in high school.
Okay, who cares about that?
That's different. If they're like now in their mid to late 20s or something, for example, that could be a completely different person for all we know.
So I mean, I think the context of the cheating is important, but I think in this scenario, because the cheating is recent and it keeps happening, this is a serial cheater.
If he's doing this to her, there's a 95 % chance he'll do it to you.
Because people who cheat for the most part, especially like serial cheaters, what I've observed in life thus far is that it has nothing to do with who they're with.
Like they love the game of cheating.
They get turned on by the sport of cheating.
It makes them feel good to cheat.
There's something about it that's very rewarding for them.
And it doesn't matter if it's you or it's the girlfriend that he has now, okay?
He's probably gonna cheat again.
So my recommendation to you is you gotta let this one go.
And as I mentioned earlier, there are various ways to do that.
Number one, stop spending time with this guy as much as possible.
Number two, make it a priority to find a new crush.
And number three, be patient because eventually the crush will go away.
But you have to be patient with yourself and forgiving of the process.
Next, somebody said, how to navigate being in love with your best friend.
This is kind of similar to having the crush on the old friend in some of the advice carries over, which is you need to weigh the pros and cons of confessing your love.
Because there is always the risk that it ruins the friendship dynamic.
However, if you feel it's worth it to potentially fuck up the friendship dynamic because you are so in love with them that you're like, I can't keep this in anymore.
And it's uncomfortable to even be friends with this person because I'm like, so in love with them, I can't even hang out with them without being overwhelmed by how I feel about them, then I think it might be worth it to confess it, you know, in one way or another.
And there's a bazillion ways to confess it.
If you're ballsy, you can say it to their face.
The way I tend to do it is usually in like a silly way because I don't know how to do anything serious.
Or, well, I don't know how to do anything sappy and romantic, seriously.
Ask any boyfriend I've ever had.
Yeah, I'm not a very sappy, romantic person necessarily.
I usually just turn it all into a joke because I'm uncomfortable with it for whatever reason.
But if you're feeling ballsy, you can confess it to their face, you can write them a little note, you can send them a text.
However, you need to do it, you can do it.
And from there, you have to expect all potential outcomes.
The worst could happen and the best could happen, as with all things at all times.
Like at all times, the best or the worst could happen, right?
And you have to be prepared for that.
So, I don't know, it's hard because I think only you can decide what you wanna do.
And, you know, going back to the first way of handling it, you could also decide, okay, you know what, I can't tell them, I don't wanna ruin the friendship dynamic.
This friendship's too important.
I'm just going to try to get rid of this crush.
And it's a bit harder when it's your best friend because you spend so much time with them.
The methods that I recommended earlier are a bit more challenging.
Like, especially number one, which is spending less time with them.
That's pretty tough when it's your best friend.
So, again, it might take longer for the crush to dissipate.
You might need to really focus on hanging out with other people.
You can hang out with your crush too, but hanging out with new people and, you know, getting flirty and having fun and trying to find a new crush, that might cause you to neglect your best friend.
It's very challenging.
Being in love with your best friend is very challenging.
But I think only you can find the perfect recipe for you because it just depends on all of the individual variables.
You know, how much you value the friendship, how excruciating the crush is, how hard you think it's gonna be to get rid of the crush if you ultimately decide not to tell them that you have a crush on them, how heartbroken you'll be if they maybe distance themselves, if they don't like you back, how
you're gonna feel if they don't like you back, if you think you're gonna be able to be friends if they don't like you back, like all these things.
Only you can sort of find the plan, you know?
Only you can make your plan.
But I do think it's important to have a plan because having a crush that's this intense and this intimate in your life, it's very uncomfortable.
And I think it'll drive you nuts.
So I do recommend figuring out a plan to help soothe the situation.
And again, there's many options, but only you can choose.
Somebody said, can you crush on someone and still consider yourself to be in a happy relationship slash still be in love with your partner?
This is probably controversial.
Like I can imagine everyone has a slightly different perspective on this, depending on their experience.
When I was younger, I think I would have said like having a crush on anyone else is like really unhealthy.
But that was also short sighted.
Like I had never been in a relationship longer than a few years, you know?
And oftentimes we're looking for a long -term relationship that will last us years and years and years and years.
So that's a far different sort of thing, right?
Like when you've been with somebody for 30 years, it's almost impossible to not maybe have a moment here and there where you're attracted to someone else, where you have a crush on someone else.
And I've absolutely had crushes while in a relationship.
And I've always thought it to be pretty harmless.
And so I do think it's possible to have like a little innocent crush, like find someone attractive or charming even when you're in a relationship.
I think it's a bad sign when you like actually want to act on it.
Like I've had crushes in almost all of the relationships I've had, almost not all of them, but it's always been like so innocent.
You know what I mean?
It's like, oh my God, that person's so cute.
Like somebody's my type.
And I just like think that they're cute.
And maybe I talk to them and I'm like, they're so cute.
But I ultimately love my boyfriend more.
I never am like, oh my God, I'm like upset that I have a boyfriend right now.
Like I wish I could go run off with this guy.
It's always like, oh my God, I would totally have pursued this person if I hadn't met my boyfriend first.
But my boyfriend is a better option and I'm fully aware of that.
And so I'm good. I also have had situations where I've had a crush while in a relationship and I've been like, oh shit, this is a sign that maybe something's off and something was off.
Like anytime I've ever had a crush in a relationship and been like, oh shit, I actually kind of do wish I could go run off with this other guy.
That is because the relationship was really going bad.
So I think that's my answer.
The severity of the crush, I think paints that picture for you.
I think you can have a little cute minor harmless crush and still be in a healthy relationship.
I think it's normal and I think it's human.
And I think it's sort of naive to imagine that we only find one person intriguing and attractive.
Like I think it's okay.
Like I don't care if the guys I'm dating think a girl is hot sometimes as long as they think that I'm ultimately who they want to be with instead.
That's all I ask. Like you can think another girl's hot.
You can have a crush on another girl.
Just number one, don't let me know about it.
And number two, choose me instead and don't fucking act on it.
That's it. And that's sort of the way I exist as well.
But if I actually wish I could act on it, that to me is a sign that the relationship is not healthy and is not happy.
And I've also asked people about this who are in long -term monogamous relationships and almost every person I've asked has said, of course I have a crush every once in a while.
I'm human. So I totally think it's doable.
But pay attention to how severe it is.
Next, somebody said, I have a crush on this guy but my best friend absolutely hates him.
She told me she'd be very upset with me if I dated him.
What should I do? This is very challenging because you're choosing between your best friend, okay?
And your heart, who you have a crush on, who you love.
Actually you probably don't love them yet because you just have a crush on them.
I'm conflicted here, okay?
Because on one hand I'm like, you should probably listen to your friend to an extent, I guess, because your friend is somebody that you know really well, okay?
You've known this person for a long time.
You consider them a friend, or not even necessarily a long time, but it sounds like you've known them for a long time if they feel comfortable enough saying, you shouldn't date this guy, I fucking hate him.
If you date this guy I will have a huge issue with it.
This is probably somebody that you've been friends with for a while.
And they probably know you pretty well.
I would hope that they have your best interest at heart.
You're friends with them because hopefully you know their character and you admire their character.
I would consider your friend's opinion, you know?
And I would honestly sit down with your friend and have a serious conversation about it.
Like, hey, why do you feel this way?
Get on the same page with your friend about why they feel this way.
And try to figure out their intentions because listen, as much as we love our friends and we hope that they have our best, you know, our best interest at heart, there is a chance that your friend is sabotaging you.
I mean, I don't like to think pessimistically like this, but you should pay attention and I don't know, try to figure out if there's any sort of ulterior motive behind your friend trying to prevent you from dating this guy.
Like, I don't know, is there a chance that your friend has a crush on that guy too?
And she doesn't want you to date him because she's gonna be jealous.
Is there a chance that, you know, she's afraid of you getting into a relationship because she doesn't want you to be in a relationship before she's in a relationship?
There is also a chance that your friend does ulterior motives and it's important to find those out, figure those out.
And obviously your friend's not gonna tell them to you directly, so you're gonna have to sort of read between the lines and figure out for yourself as best as you can because if your friend doesn't have your best interest at heart, it actually might make more sense to be like, you know what, fuck it,
I'm actually going to try to date this guy because it's something I wanna do and maybe this isn't a friend after all, if they would rather sabotage something that I wanna do or I wanna potentially create, aka a relationship with your crush, because for some selfish reason, like, that will upset them.
So that's sort of my advice there, is to figure out the intention of your friend and depending on the intention that you discover, act accordingly, if your friend truly has a valid reason why they don't like your crush and why they don't think you should date your crush, okay, maybe it's something to
consider. If they can't really give you a valid explanation, chances are it's because they don't have one and for some sort of selfish reason that they're too scared to admit to you, they don't want you to date this guy because it's gonna piss them off for, you know, some sort of selfish reason and that's
not really fair to you and you should just go and date this person and maybe you need to find a new friend.
Okay, that's all I got for today.
The forbidden crush, I'm really relieved that nobody was like, I have a crush on my math teacher, what do I do?
Because that is just something I can, I don't have the mental strength to help you with that.
I can't help you with that.
So feeling relieved, feeling blessed, all of these are manageable.
You're all gonna get through this and that's it.
That's it for today's episode, I hope you all enjoyed it.
If you did, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday, new episodes of Advice Session every other Sunday.
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I love you all, I appreciate you all and I will talk to you later and I love you and you're so awesome and don't forget that.
Okay, I love you, bye.
