Welcome back to Advice Session.
A series here on Anything Goes, where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and then I give you my unprofessional advice and then you take it with a grain of salt.
And today's topic is finding comfort within yourself.
Listen, I know it can be tempting to find comfort in other people, in distractions.
But here's the problem with that.
It's inconsistent.
It's unreliable.
What's more plentiful than something that's coming from within, something that you're creating, something that you have maximum control over?
That's why I think we all want to find comfort within ourselves, but it's challenging.
It takes work.
It's much easier to rely on something else because there's no creation going on there.
You know, you don't have to create anything from within.
You don't have to do any of the dirty work if you're just finding it out in the world.
Before I start going down a rabbit hole that even I can't follow, because I'm already feeling myself doing that right now.
Let's just get into this episode.
I briefly interrupt this episode to let you know that this episode is presented by Volkswagen.
Don't get me wrong, sometimes I love to be a passenger.
Growing up, I loved sitting passenger seat in my dad's old Volkswagen.
Wind in my hair, listening to music.
There was something magical and carefree about it.
But once I got my driver's license, I've loved being in the driver's seat ever since.
Not just in the car, but in my life as well.
This is from me, from Volkswagen, and all the other drivers out there.
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Now back to the episode.
Let's begin.
Somebody said, how to find confidence doing things alone in public.
I love my alone time when I'm at home, but I feel a little awkward doing things alone when I'm in public.
Any tips?
Well, I want to start by saying I shockingly can relate to this a little bit right now.
And this is shocking to those who know me because I am an only child.
I am wired to be alone.
I've spent so much time alone in my life, it comes very naturally to me.
And I've always been someone who felt really comfortable doing things alone since I was a teenager.
Going and getting a coffee, going thrift shopping, doing whatever.
It's never been embarrassing for me.
Overall, I would say I'm someone who's pretty comfortable with doing things alone.
However, Recently, I've been kind of overthinking it.
And I know why.
It's because I just got out of a two-year relationship.
And this two-year relationship was very bestie vibes.
Like me and my boyfriend hung out all the time, which I didn't have in the relationship prior.
So I still was doing a lot of stuff alone.
In my last relationship, I like did everything with him.
Like we were inseparable besties vibes.
And it was very fun, but it kind of weakened the muscle.
And so since the breakup, I've been feeling a bit less comfortable with doing stuff alone.
I don't think that's a bad thing.
I mean listen, I could psychoanalyze my past relationship and say I should have been doing more things alone while we were together, but we were having fun.
So I'm not going to say that.
This is just sometimes the way things happen.
That muscle got weakened because I was constantly doing things with him.
And now I'm back to doing things alone.
The weekend rolls around.
If all my friends are busy and I want to go do something fun, I'm going to go do it alone.
And there have been a few instances lately where I've been genuinely nervous.
And it shocks me every time because it's just so unlike me.
And so I have been actively working on dealing with those slightly anxious feelings about doing things alone.
So, like this is a very, this is the perfect time for this question to come up, because this is something I've been dealing with lately.
The first thing I do to help myself with this is remind myself of the reality of the situation.
Okay.
People aren't paying that close of attention to me.
They're really not.
An exercise that I do is I think of how I perceive other people doing activities alone.
When I'm at a cafe, when I'm at a thrift store and I notice that somebody's shopping alone, getting a coffee alone, Do I even think twice about it?
No, I don't.
Do me a favor next time you're doing something alone and you start to feel anxious, like people are judging you for doing things alone.
And try to think of one time that you've ever seen someone out doing something alone and you've thought what a loser.
Where are their friends?
You've never thought that, I bet.
I bet you've never thought that.
I bet you can't even think of one stranger that you've seen doing something alone ever.
I bet you can't even remember that because it doesn't matter because you don't care.
People care more about themselves than about you.
Not in a mean way, just in a human way.
We're not paying that close attention to what other people are doing.
Now let's imagine the most stressful case scenario.
Somebody is paying attention to what you're doing.
I can almost guarantee they are not thinking to themselves, what a loser, where are their friends?
Instead, they're thinking, that's so badass.
Look at them eating at this restaurant alone.
Look at them reading their book at this coffee shop alone.
Look at them shopping alone.
Look at them taking a walk in this park alone.
That's badass.
That's girl boss.
That's independence.
That's admirable.
That's cool.
So I think it's all about realizing that your fears about how you're being perceived are irrational.
That can be incredibly helpful.
And from there, I say practice makes perfect, okay?
The more you do it, the more comfortable it becomes.
And you will enjoy it eventually, you know?
But anytime something's new, unfamiliar, it's a little bit uncomfortable at first.
Be patient with yourself.
Practice makes perfect.
The more you do it, the more you go out and do your own thing, the sooner you'll get comfortable with it and it'll just become second nature to you.
Trust the process.
Believe that that comfort will come.
You will one day not feel uncomfortable about it anymore.
I can almost guarantee you that.
I really believe that.
That's what's happening to me.
Like the first few times post-breakup that I went to a flea market, I went to a coffee shop by myself, I felt naked.
I was like, oh my God, this is so weird.
Like I feel...
I think that there was an added layer of vulnerability because in my subconscious I was like I'm single.
My identity feels different now because I'm an independent woman right now in a way that you know, feels really real and really serious whereas, let's say, i would like go to a coffee shop alone.
While i was in a relationship, i was like well, i don't care what anyone thinks of me because i have a boyfriend and i have great friends and i don't really care.
But see, now that i'm going out as a single woman, i'm like more aware of what say guys are thinking about me.
I'm like, do i seem like pathetic here alone, or like boys judging me, or do they find me to be demure and they, like you know, want to ask for my number?
Like I think that's actually where the discomfort has stemmed from for me post-breakup.
But as I'm repeating the action going out and doing shit alone anyway I'm slowly but surely feeling myself fall back into the swing of it.
And it's becoming like second nature again.
And I will say if you're finding a hard time motivating yourself to go out and do things alone, let this story motivate you.
Okay.
I, a few weekends ago, wanted to go out and do something, but all my friends were out of town.
I kid you not, every single friend.
And I was like I like I could go out and you know, hang out around town, shop around, get a coffee.
You know I could do that, but it's so much easier to just stay home and I don't know, maybe I could get some work done or something.
But I was like, but I'm too tired to get work done.
And it's the weekend and it's such a beautiful day out.
Like I probably should go out and do something.
But I was like, I feel kind of, I don't know.
I didn't feel super confident that day.
I was feeling kind of down in the dumps.
I was like, I don't know.
I don't know if I need to like go out like and do stuff alone.
It's not going to be as fun.
Like I wish my friends were in town.
I just had like a negative mindset.
But I decided to push myself and go out anyway and just hang out.
And I went and got a coffee.
That was nice.
A little bit embarrassing for me for some reason.
I was really feeling embarrassed on this particular day.
Well, I think the reason why I felt embarrassed getting the coffee was because I felt like I was not there getting the coffee because I really wanted a coffee.
I just was bored and kind of wanted something to do.
And I was too lazy to do anything productive, but I wanted to do something.
And I guess that's kind of the reason why we do anything and everything.
But in my heart, I was like, what am I doing here?
Like, I'm just I don't know how to explain it.
The particular like I could have made a coffee at home.
You know what I mean?
But I went out and I got this coffee.
Because I don't know, I kind of just wanted to like see who was sitting outside, like see if there was anyone to spark up a conversation with, like who knows?
And I think there was something kind of embarrassing about that for me, the fact that I went to this coffee shop because I was like hmm, you know what could happen here.
A lot of people I know go to this coffee shop.
Like I went there intentionally because I was like, hey, you never know.
I might see someone spark up a conversation.
I'm feeling kind of lonely.
And there was something kind of embarrassing about that, even though there's nothing embarrassing about that at all.
But again, I was in kind of a negative headspace that day.
I pushed through, got my coffee, didn't end up talking to anyone and then decided I would go to one of my favorite vintage stores in Los Angeles.
I pull up, I go in and at the front of the store there's a group of kids and they were laughing and they were gabbing and they were talking and I end up sparking up a conversation with them.
Next thing I know, they're inviting me to go bowling.
And then the next day we went bowling and it was a really amazing time.
And now these are new friends that I have.
Like that would not have happened if I had not gone out alone.
That's the kind of magical kindred, weird shit that happens when you go out alone and you're vulnerable in that way.
That type of stuff doesn't happen when you're hanging out with your best friend and you're at a coffee shop and you guys are so sucked into each other and the gossip that you're talking about that.
You don't even notice the world around you.
That doesn't happen then.
If you go out alone, you'll interact with people differently.
You'll see things differently.
You can spend your time differently.
If you want to spend two hours in a store, no one's going to say, wait, but I'm hungry.
Let's go get lunch or I'm bored.
I don't want to be in here anymore.
There's a lot of magical things about going out and doing stuff alone.
So if you're struggling to motivate, let that motivate you as well.
Okay.
Next, somebody said I love the guy I'm dating, but I've noticed that my mood is so dependent on him.
I don't like that.
How do I be less reliant on him for my mood?
Okay.
In my experience because I've experienced this before this is usually a sign that your relationship is the center of your universe okay.
It's your main priority.
It makes up the majority of your foundation, your emotional foundation in your life.
Metaphorically, you've put too many of your eggs in one basket, the basket being him.
Your life is not balanced.
Your priorities are not balanced.
You're not putting your energy out in a balanced way.
You're putting too much energy on your romantic relationships.
And this is an easy mistake to make, okay?
Love can be all consuming.
It's tempting to put all of our energy into romantic relationships, because there's an electricity in the romance that we don't get from our friends.
We don't get from our family.
We don't get from our hobbies.
We don't get from our career.
I swear it comes down to the sex.
I think it's actually just the sexual element that is so.
I'm not a scientist, but from what I've read online, your brain releases a lot of chemicals when you have sex, a lot more so than when you like respond to an email, more so than when you are sitting at a coffee shop with your friend.
Sex, it, boom, you know, there's a lot of chemicals coming out, more than normal.
And I think that combined with like also all the chemicals that explode out of your brain.
See, this is why I'm not a scientist and this is why you need to take my advice with a grain of salt, because I'm kind of who knows what I'm saying, but you get what I'm saying.
The chemicals released in your brain also when you're in love, especially in like the honeymoon stage and stuff.
It's very all-consuming.
I think your mood becomes dependent on your partner When you've made it such that your only potential source of fulfillment and joy is coming from the relationship.
Like, if you're not putting any effort into your friendships, your work, your hobbies, your life outside of your relationship, then you can't really receive any benefit from that stuff because you're not putting any effort towards it.
You have an imbalance going on.
That's at least what I think.
Okay, this is what I've experienced in my life.
Though very hard to do, it is very important that we have a solid foundation in a full life outside of our romantic relationships.
This is so hard to do.
And it's been really hard for me to do in the past.
Like I have always struggled with this.
I have a tendency to get into a relationship and it just becomes my life.
I'm just going to get all the joy and all the fulfillment out of this.
Why would I go elsewhere?
This seems to be such a valid source of all of these things.
Why would I work on developing my friendships further?
Why have hobbies?
Why focus on my career when I could get a kiss and a cuddle from my boyfriend?
It's not good.
Let me tell you, this is the worst thing you can do in a relationship for many reasons.
Not just because it makes your mood dependent on your partner, but also because it can oftentimes cause other issues.
Your partner can start to pick up on it and feel kind of smothered or feel like there's a codependency, and then that can kind of end up making the partner want to create space and push away.
It also can cause expectations on your end.
Because you're like, you can start to expect them to to provide you with unrealistic levels of fulfillment and joy.
If they are the center of your universe, you can expect a lot out of them.
And we're dealing with human beings here.
Chances are they're not gonna live up to your expectations.
But let's zoom back into our issue at hand here.
Mood dependency on partner, okay?
Let's go back to what I was saying, okay?
I went off on a tangent.
Let's reel it in.
As I was saying, it's very important that we have a solid foundation and a full life outside of our romantic relationships.
We should think of our romantic relationships as the cherry on top to an already wonderful life, an extra layer of reinforcement in our foundation.
That is not necessarily crucial.
We don't need it, but it definitely helps.
This can be hard to grasp, especially for somebody like me who really wants to have a family one day.
You know, wants to have a partner, wants to have a family.
I want to have kids.
Like, I want this in my life.
And so when I get into a relationship, it's really hard for me not to be like, this person's the center of my universe.
Otherwise, like I won't accomplish my goal of having a family and having kids.
Like you know, this person is so important because they are they might be the my counterpart in this.
You know what I mean.
Like, it's hard for me not to put that person in the center of my universe.
And I want to make them a focus.
We can take it too far.
And our life outside of the relationship falls away.
And that's not good.
Our own friends, families, hobbies, passions must remain a priority in our lives when we're in love.
Okay, it's so important.
And listen, does it take a level of discipline?
Yes.
Does it take boundaries?
Yes.
Does it take self-control?
Yes.
We want to be around our partners all the time.
We want to get a kiss on the cheek every five minutes.
We love it.
But the good news is, not only will this make your relationship healthier, it's not a codependent relationship.
You have healthy boundaries.
You have a life outside of one another, meaning that you can keep each other in check without fear.
You're not afraid of losing one another.
You obviously want to be together and you really want to make it work.
But if you have a life outside of the relationship, then you're not afraid to call your partner out on their bullshit.
And that's very important in a healthy relationship.
So not only will having these boundaries make the dynamic of your relationship better, but also you as an individual will be happier.
Your source, or maybe not happier, but you will be more emotionally regulated.
You might experience joy or happiness more frequently.
You won't completely crumble the second something goes wrong in your relationship.
Not only when your relationship gets a little rocky you can rely on these other areas of your life to sort of support you, but also vice versa.
If shit's kind of not going so well in your career well, luckily you have all this other stuff that can help support you emotionally in the meantime.
Do you know what I mean?
That's why I think it's so important in life to balance your priorities, balance your energy.
You shouldn't ever be too focused on one thing.
If you're feeling dependent on your partner, you're putting too much energy into your partner.
Now, don't get me wrong.
We shouldn't neglect our partner.
But if this rings true to you at all, then you know what I'm talking about.
And I don't even need to explain anymore.
Moving on.
Somebody said I am myself a recovering people pleaser and And I still have moments where I people please, even though I know better.
I still have moments where I do it.
Like this is something that I'm actively working on.
I think I'll probably be working on it for the rest of my life.
Like I don't know that I'll ever arrive at a place where I'm just someone who's 120 comfortable with saying no, I don't agree with that.
Nah, I don't like that.
I think that's always going to be hard for me.
I think it's just who I am.
So I relate to this.
However, something that I remind myself of when I'm kind of feeling tempted to just agree, fit in with everyone else whatever, something that I remind myself of is that having your own unique point of view instead of opinions is far more respectable, attractive and interesting in my opinion and in the opinion of the internet.
I've Googled this before. than being agreeable, agreeing with everything that everyone says.
I think a lot of it is subconscious, but like we respect people who lightly disagree with us.
We respect people who like different things than we do.
I mean, listen, obviously there's exceptions.
I think, for the sake of this conversation, I'm not talking about serious topics, but rather more lighthearted things like whether or not a movie is good.
Whether or not a restaurant is good.
Whether or not a pair of jeans is cute.
Whether or not what your friend did last year at your other friend's birthday party was wrong or not.
You know, like things that are a bit more lighthearted.
Let's keep it in this world for this conversation, because I think that that's really what we're talking about here.
I think that we think instinctually that agreeing with everyone will make us more likable.
Because I think instinctually we feel like oh, if we have things in common with others, then that means that we're similar and then that means that they'll want to hang out because we like the same things.
But the truth is, at least in my experience, when someone just agrees with everything I say, I'm kind of like well, I don't really believe them anymore.
You know what I mean?
I don't actively think that, but like subconsciously I'm like there's no way you agree with me on everything.
If anything, it makes the things that we agree on more powerful, if there are some things that we disagree on.
We respect people who disagree, clearly have a spine, clearly have a sense of self, are confident in their opinions and beliefs and aren't afraid to disagree.
We admire that.
We're attracted to that.
We like honesty.
So I know that your gut might be tricking you into thinking that agreeing with everything is the move because it, in theory, should make us more likable.
But something that I do is remind myself that standing firm in who I am is actually going to make me more attractive and interesting.
And you know what?
Worst case scenario, worst case scenario, it doesn't.
Worst case scenario, someone would prefer me if I did just agree with everything that they had to say.
Well, guess what?
That's not somebody I wanna be around.
I don't want to be around somebody who has such like a fragile sense of themselves that if I disagree with them on like whether or not a restaurant is good, they actually get butt hurt.
Or if I don't like their favorite song, they get butt hurt.
I would rather be myself and have someone get offended that I disagreed with them and then realize ooh, I don't want to be around this person, than just agree with everything, suppress my sense of self and then I don't know continue to be friends with somebody who has kind of a negative trait that I could have picked up on and then ultimately gotten away from if I had seen it.
To me, it's a win-win situation.
Even if the worst case scenario comes to pass, that's still not even really that bad.
Maybe uncomfortable for a second.
Well, now you know that this person kind of sucks.
You know what I mean?
I think it's a snowball effect in the way that perhaps you start by being confident in your beliefs, in your opinions, in front of people that you're really comfortable with.
And see how it goes over.
And you'll probably notice it doesn't go as bad as you think it would.
Maybe even you notice that these people respect you a little bit more after this.
Maybe they even say, wow, I never thought of it that way.
Maybe they end up agreeing with you.
You'll notice that it's not the end of the world.
You'll also notice how it reinforces your self-esteem.
Not only will you realize that, even if someone disagrees with you and maybe it's a little bit uncomfortable, it's still not going to be that bad.
At worst, maybe a little bit uncomfortable.
And you'll also notice that by doing it you'll reinforce your self-esteem and your confidence will build a little bit more.
And as you continue practicing with people close in your life, you'll become more and more confident in this ability and more confident in yourself and your opinions.
Because now you're not afraid of them anymore.
You see that they're not going to harm you.
You've reinforced the idea through practice that the world doesn't explode if you disagree.
Nobody abandons you when you speak your mind.
Now, I also think too that just building a general sense of confidence is helpful.
I give advice on this all the time.
I think when lacking confidence in life, usually the fix is solidifying confidence, your sense of morals and values, sticking to them, being the best person you can be.
That's it.
I could expand on it, but I've done it too many times.
That also, you know, having a general strong sense of self-esteem, I also think, could be helpful too.
You know, beyond just practicing, making perfect.
But also I think it must be said that sometimes it's just better not to involve yourself in a conversation where maybe you disagree.
Like if everyone, if all your friends, are talking about how they love the new Harry Styles album and maybe you don't like it and everyone's really passionate about it.
They love it.
They can't get enough.
It's the best album they've ever heard, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. you don't necessarily need to chime in.
You can remain silent.
I think it's okay to not agree or disagree, just kind of stay out of it.
I do that all the time.
There are times when I feel inclined to enter a conversation, perhaps start a little debate about something, And then there are times when I don't.
And I don't think when I don't, it's because I'm lacking confidence or whatever.
It's just because I don't really think I'm going to add to the conversation by disagreeing.
And so I just stay out of it.
And then if somebody asks me, you know, I'll be honest.
But also consider the option of just staying out of the conversation.
If you disagree, but you don't really have the energy to get into it, just stay out of it.
You could even say too, if somebody asks you like, oh, what do you think about this?
And you don't really want to get into it.
Just be like, you know, I don't really know.
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Now back to the episode.
Last but not least, somebody said how to stop letting other people influence my thoughts and opinions about myself.
I want to feel more independent in my self-worth.
I will say to an extent, this is tricky because it is almost like a human instinct.
And I have always felt this way about this particular topic.
Like it's very human for us to care about what other people think about us.
I don't know that that's an avoidable human thing.
In fact, to me it actually is a bit frightening when someone doesn't care what other people think about them at all, like that feels freaky to me, it doesn't feel human to me, and so i googled it because i was like is this just my experience, or is this sort of true?
And it is true.
We're social animals.
We're wired to rely on others to keep us in check, help us learn.
If someone calls us out for being an, it will make us feel a bit bad about being an, rightfully so, hopefully inspiring us to be less of an asshole in the future.
It serves a purpose.
It's important that we care to an extent what others think of us, because otherwise would we be good people.
Probably not.
We're born a baby.
We don't know anything.
And throughout our lives, we learn from others.
Oftentimes, we learn from how others perceive us.
If we do something rude, people get upset with us.
And it's important that we care about that so that we stop doing rude things.
You know, if we make a joke, that's kind of out of touch, kind of embarrassing, kind of missed the mark.
People are going to make a weird face at us.
And it's important that we notice that.
I think, to a certain extent, it's inevitable that other people are going to impact the way that we see ourselves.
However, we can take it too far, to the point where our self-worth is tied up in other people's opinions about us.
This isn't beneficial.
This isn't like someone calling us an asshole because we did something rude and then us being like huh, maybe I am kind of an asshole.
I need to work on that.
I think when it becomes harmful is when it's taken too far.
It kind of reminds me of anxiety.
It's like anxiety is a human emotion, experience, feeling.
It's a feeling that we have evolved to have Because we as a species want to protect ourselves.
And anxiety apparently originally was like an evolutionary response that would protect us from threat right.
But now we have less threat, so we get anxiety about other things, I guess.
That's my understanding of how anxiety came to be in our silly little brains, but it's kind of similar to this in a way.
A long time ago, maybe socially, things were a little bit less complicated.
And so there was no internet a really long time ago when our brains were wired.
Maybe there weren't the same types of beauty standards.
Everything was so different that I don't know.
Perhaps this is just kind of a hypothesis, but it's like perhaps our brains were wired to care about what our close-knit community thought about us for survival purposes.
And now it's almost like we have a tendency to overcorrect because we don't need it as much.
Does that make sense?
Or not that we don't need it as much, but yeah, maybe we don't need it in the same way.
I don't know.
It feels like an evolutionary misfire in the brain.
Does that make sense?
Like it feels like something that used to benefit us.
It's like not serving us anymore.
And now we care way too much about what other people think about us.
And it deeply impacts our sense of self and our sense of worth. in a way that's detrimental.
And it's so common that that's why it feels like to me something similar to anxiety, which is also so common.
It's like this must be a part of our brain that hasn't quite evolved to the new situation that we're living in today.
Again, I might've just went off on a tangent that is completely scientifically inaccurate and false, but this is just my scientific hypothesis that I will never test because I'm not a scientist.
But it's almost like it's important that we pay attention to what other people think about us, so that we can learn from it.
But if we put too much weight on it, then we can hurt ourselves.
And then we're drawing conclusions about ourselves and our worth from things that we shouldn't be.
Some examples of being too influenced by other people's opinions of you in a way that's detrimental, in a way that's harmful, would be number one.
Someone you have a crush on doesn't like you back and you take it personal.
It makes you feel like shit about yourself.
Like you're a plastic bag drifting in the wind, wanting to start again.
Another example Someone doesn't seem to like you for some reason, feels cold or distant with you for no reason.
Just maybe they just don't like your vibe because that happens sometimes.
You take that personal.
Once again, you feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind wanting to start again.
Thank you, Katy Perry, for this quote.
It's really helping me with this episode.
Another example if you don't get invited to something, you might take this so personal and attack on your sense of self.
Or if someone disagrees with you, maybe, instead of being like, that's okay.
No, you're like, I am an idiot.
I'm an idiot.
You see the problem here?
These are all things that shouldn't impact one's sense of self.
But if you're overly concerned with other people's opinions and thoughts about you and feelings about you, these things will impact your sense of self, your self-esteem, your self-worth.
Now it's tricky, right?
Because if you're someone who's ultra sensitive and I can relate to this because I've had periods of my life where I've been very sensitive in this way can be hard to tell like okay, I seem to take everything personally.
I seem to let everything go straight to my heart.
I seem to let everybody's opinion of me immediately attack my reserves of self-esteem.
It's hard to discern.
Okay, when should I take people's opinions to heart and when should I take them with a grain of salt?
When should I let them hit my reserves of self-esteem and when should I not?
And I think the best way to figure it out is to reflect on the situation at hand and ask yourself if, upon honest reflection, if you've done anything wrong.
Have you genuinely done anything wrong?
Yes or no?
And if the answer is yes, then yeah, you know what?
It makes sense that it took a little bit of self-esteem out of your reserves because you fucked up and you need to earn that self-esteem back because you did something wrong and you hurt people.
That's actually like things functioning properly, at least in my opinion.
However, if you didn't do anything wrong upon reflection and it started to drain your reserves of self-esteem, that's something that you need to take with a grain of salt.
If you're letting something impact your self-esteem that actually isn't a negative reflection of you you didn't do anything wrong then that means something's off.
You see what I'm saying?
That means you got an issue.
So how do you feel more independent in your self-worth?
My advice, build more trust with yourself.
Make promises to yourself and follow through.
That's one of the greatest ways that you can build trust with yourself.
It builds self-respect.
If you say, tomorrow I'm gonna wake up at seven in the morning and I'm gonna journal and I'm gonna cook myself a healthy breakfast. with lots of like fun like i'm gonna use everything bagel seasoning and i'm gonna like plate it pretty and like maybe that's a promise you make to yourself fulfill that promise maybe the next week your promise to yourself is i'm going to work every day without going on instagram every like for a week i'm not going to let myself go on instagram during working hours for a week Keep that promise to yourself.
That will build self-respect.
The next week, okay, I'm going to exercise three times this week.
Keep that promise.
Watch the respect build.
I think having this sort of relationship with yourself, where you're making goals for yourself and then making a promise to yourself that you will fulfill it and then doing it, that process really helps with building self-respect and self-esteem.
In addition to that, I think making the effort to form a set of solid personal beliefs makes it easier to trust your perception of yourself.
If you have a solid set of morals, values, you know what you think is right and wrong.
And then if you live by that to the best of your ability, it's going to be really hard for anyone's random opinion of you to shake you, because you have such a solid sense of morality and you're living, you're abiding by it.
So if somebody tries to like I don't know if somebody rejects you or doesn't want you in their life anymore, you're like I don't really okay, because I'm kind of I'm a good person.
I'm doing the work.
So...
Your loss, you know, whatever.
It's easier to let other people's opinions or thoughts of you roll off your back if you're really locked into that moral compass.
You trust yourself.
You trust that you're a good person and you trust that if people don't like you or if they disagree with you or if they don't want to hang out with you, that it's not because you're not a good person.
You are a good person.
It's something else.
And who cares what it is?
Because at the end of the day, the most important thing is that you're a good person.
You know what I mean?
Okay, next, live a life that you're proud of.
Treat people kindly.
Take care of yourself.
Have discipline.
Work ethic to the best of your ability.
Live a life that you're proud of.
This again will make it easy for opinions that don't matter, thoughts about you that don't matter, to just roll off your back.
Now, I know it's easier said than done, but I've made way too many episodes detailing how to do these things, how to actually practice them in your life.
I don't need to get into it again.
Like we're all sick of it.
We're all bored.
And last but not least, mindfulness.
Remind yourself of the reality of the situations, okay?
If somebody doesn't like you, romantic or platonic, it's not necessarily because there's something wrong with you, because you're gross, because you suck, because you're horrible, because you're annoying, because you're cringe, because because you're not cute.
It doesn't necessarily mean that you just might not be their cup of tea.
That could be simply it.
And you know what?
If you have trust in your sense of self, if you've built trust in your sense of self, when someone doesn't like you romantic or platonic it's very easy to be like eh, I'm just not their cup of tea, because I am kind of awesome.
I've done the work.
I'm a morally good person.
I respect myself because I make promises and I fulfill them.
I'm awesome.
I'm a badass.
I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty awesome.
And so if somebody doesn't like me, it's probably because I'm not their cup of tea.
Much easier to be mindful about these things if you're in a good place with the other things.
But it is true that you're not going to be everyone's cup of tea.
If someone disagrees with you, instead of being like, I'm an idiot, I'm dumb, I'm stupid.
The reality of the situation is we all learn from each other.
Whether a disagreement leads to further reinforcement of our own personal belief, because being tested on it and not budging reinforcement or our minds expanding and us having an epiphany through a conversation with somebody.
And changing our beliefs.
What a beautiful thing.
That has nothing to do with your self-worth.
That's just like how we interact with one another as human beings.
And I think using mindfulness to remind ourselves of that can be incredibly helpful.
That's all I got for today, y'all.
What am I doing saying y'all?
I do say y'all sometimes.
It makes no sense.
I don't know where it came from.
I am a California girl, born and raised Cali girl, saying y'all.
I don't even listen to country music except for casey musgraves, because that is good, one of my favorite albums of all time, golden hour.
Casey musgraves love um anyway.
But i don't know why i'm saying y'all.
But anyway, That is all I have for this episode.
If you enjoyed this advice session, new episodes of advice session once a month.
So you're just going to have to stay tuned and see when it pops up.
New episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday.
Anything Goes is on the internet in various places that anything goes.
I'm on the internet and I'm a Chamberlain and my coffee company is Chamberlain Coffee.
Thank you all for listening and hanging out.
As always, it's a pleasure.
I love getting to hang with you.
I hope that you enjoy hanging with me.
And if you do, well, I'll talk to you in a week.
Love you, bye.
Talk to you later.
