Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast.
You know, lately I have been hearing from so many listeners around the world who have been writing in and saying I feel stuck.
I feel lost.
Or even while I've been out on tour.
I've been out on tour doing a live show in Australia and New Zealand and now in the United States.
And as I'm meeting you in person, so many of you keep saying I'm just in this rut and I can't seem to get out of it.
So that's what we're gonna talk about today.
We're gonna talk about being stuck.
And I need you to hear this.
Feeling stuck is one of the single most misunderstood experiences in life.
When you feel stuck, it doesn't mean you're broken.
It means you're built for something more.
And stuckness is this tension between the life that you currently have and the life you have yet to create.
That's what stuck is.
It's a signal.
And today, I'm gonna teach you something really life-changing.
There are three traps that are keeping you stuck.
And if you don't know which one of the traps is in your way, it's impossible to move forward.
It's almost like you're trying to solve the wrong problem.
You got a problem with your car and you think you can fix it by filling the gas tank, but the real issue is the battery's dead.
No matter how much gas you pour into that sucker, it's not going to go anywhere because you're focused on the wrong problem.
And when you feel stuck, it's easy to focus on the wrong problem.
And that's why our conversation today is going to be very different.
I am going to not only teach you these three traps that make you feel stuck and how to get unstuck, but I'm also going to play questions from your fellow listeners around the world and together you and I are gonna work together to figure out which one of the three traps is your fellow listener in.
So by the end of this conversation, you're not going to only be able to spot these traps in yourself and the people that you love.
You're going to know exactly what to do, depending upon which trap you're dealing with, to get unstuck and finally start moving forward and feeling great again.
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
I am so glad that you're here.
It is always an honor to spend this time together.
And if you're new or if somebody shared this episode with you.
I just want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
Today, you and I are talking about the three traps that keep you stuck and how to finally get unstuck.
And I just want to normalize the fact that I think everybody right now has something that's keeping them feeling a little lost or stuck, whether it's your career path, or it's finances, or it's something going on in your relationship.
And I want you to stop and think about this right now for yourself, because I want you to get something out of this.
Where in your life do you feel a little stuck or a little lost or like you're spinning your wheels?
Is it in your relationship?
Is it at work?
You're not quite sure where your career is going.
Or maybe you got laid off, or you don't like what you do anymore and you're not sure what to do next.
Is it with school?
You're not that interested in what your major is or what you're studying.
You're wondering if all the student debt is worth it.
Is it some project at home that's been nagging you forever?
Is it thinking about that next chapter of your life?
So now that you've kind of thought a little bit about where is that area of your life where you feel a little friction?
Is it your health?
You feel a little stuck with that?
Is it some other area of your life?
Now let's talk about the three traps that can make you feel stuck.
Because until we identify which trap you're in, you will never, ever, ever move forward.
You're just gonna keep on spinning your wheels.
The first trap that keeps you stuck is you're not ready to change.
It's that simple.
It sounds so obvious.
It's almost dumb, right?
But one of the reasons why it's so easy to get stuck is you're simply not ready to change.
And that can happen for a number of reasons.
You might not be ready to change because you're holding on to the past.
You might not be ready to change because you regret a lot of things and you're punishing yourself over it.
You may not be ready to change because you don't think it's gonna work.
And so you feel a lot of discouragement right now.
This is an easy one, by the way, to spot in the people that you care about.
You can look at somebody who's struggling with their drinking, or you can look at somebody who's been laid off and they're not really looking for a job.
That is a person who's stuck in trap number one.
They're not ready to change.
And the only way you get unstuck if you're in trap number one is you have to make a decision to change period.
You have to decide that where you are is no longer okay with you.
You don't have to know what you're going to do next.
You don't have to have some master plan.
You don't have to get to work right away.
But without making a decision that I am going to do something different here.
Nothing's going to change and you're going to stay stuck.
Because nothing changes until you change.
And you change the moment you decide it's time to change.
You got to have that moment where you say, all right, that's it.
I've had enough.
I am so sick of my own self.
I am so sick of complaining about this.
I'm so sick of being stuck in the past.
I'm so sick of carrying around this extra weight.
I'm so sick of being lonely and sad and not seeing my friends enough.
I am making a decision to change.
I wanna make sure you really get this.
And so here's what we're gonna do in today's episode.
You are my co-host.
You and I are going to answer questions from your fellow listeners together.
And as you're listening to the questions from your fellow listeners, I want you to pretend as you're driving in your car or you're listening at work, or you're taking me on a walk right now.
I want you to pretend you're right here with me on the podcast and that you're listening to this question.
The first one's going to be from Jenna as if you're going to coach her with me.
And I want you to really listen closely and see if you can hear what it sounds like when someone's stuck in the trap of not being ready to change.
See if you can hear and identify in your own mind what is the decision that that jenna needs to make that would break her free of feeling stuck.
Hi mel, hoping you can help me out with this.
Um speaking, i'm feeling stuck.
I've been feeling that um really heavy this year.
Just turned 40, have two kids, a two and a six year old.
I'm feeling like I am meant to do more in this life.
I love being a mom.
I also work, but I feel like I need something that I can do, that I'm passionate about, that I can look forward to work.
I feel like there's this creative side of me that is then untapped and is ready to unleash.
And then I get home and I get pulled in several different directions and I'm tired and I'm like I don't have the energy today, so I don't know where to start.
Can I do something now?
Can you start something new?
And now what can I?
How do I start to this new adventure at this point in time in my life?
Where do I begin?
I want to use my creative side.
Help me.
Now, as you were listening, did you notice the trap?
The trap is she has not made a decision to change yet.
And this one's kind of sneaky, because she's talking about the fact and you may feel this too.
I feel like I'm meant to do something more.
I feel this pull to do something creative.
So she's thinking about it and you can hear some of the reasons why she's not ready.
I'm tired.
I'm tired.
I don't have the energy.
Can I start something new?
She's questioning, right?
But did you hear a decision?
I didn't hear a decision.
I heard somebody who wants to change, but I didn't hear a person who has made a decision, And it's a very subtle distinction.
But this is the difference between staying stuck and spinning your wheels in a mental loop and getting yourself unstuck and breaking free and making a decision to create a whole new chapter in your life.
And look, the decision doesn't have to be complicated.
It's like a line in the sand.
What could Jenna say as you're sitting here hosting this episode with me?
What could Jenna say?
What would a decision sound like?
It could be something simple, like I'm making a decision to make the next chapter of my career creative, no matter what.
I'm making a decision that 12 months from now, I am going to be working in a creative industry.
I'm going to have a full-time job and I'm going to wake up every day and I'm going to love and look forward to what I'm doing.
That's my decision.
Here's another way you could make the decision.
This is the year I learn how to make time for what matters to me.
Do you hear the difference between somebody questioning I should, I could, what if, but this?
But that's a person that's not ready.
That's a person in contemplation.
When you hear somebody make a decision, it's clear.
Maybe a decision for you sounds like this.
I'm losing 100 pounds.
I'm applying and getting into nursing school.
I am moving out of this noisy, cramped apartment.
I'm going to meet someone I love in the next year and I'm going to fall in love and it's going to be incredible.
There are decisions just waiting for you to make them.
See, when you make a decision, you are claiming what you want.
You're declaring what you want.
I love the word decision.
The word decision comes from a Latin word meaning to cut off.
When you decide, when you make a decision, you're cutting yourself off from other possibilities.
You're saying this matters to me.
And then you're locking in on it.
And what I love is you're not casual when you make a decision.
You have to be clear.
And the best part about making a decision is you don't have to know how it's going to turn out.
You don't have to know if it's even the right decision.
The best way to make a decision is to make the decision and then work hard to make it the right decision.
And when you make the decision, you are forcing your life to move in a different direction.
Let's do one more question from a listener named Kristen.
Because I want you to really make sure you understand this first trap that it's not being ready.
And I also want you to understand how powerful one decision could be.
So listen closely.
And when we're done listening to her, I'm going to ask you the same question.
Describe the trap she's in.
Describe why she's not ready.
And then we're going to talk about what is one decision that Kristen needs to make that would get her unstuck and help her break free.
Here she is.
Hey, Mel.
My name is Kristen.
I'm 42 years old.
I am a divorced mom of two kids and.
I am 100% stuck in my head.
I literally cannot move forward.
I am in this constant loop in my head of regret.
I feel like I shouldn't have left my ex.
I was always a high achiever at work.
I functioned at a very high level for a very long period of time.
And I can't seem to move forward.
I can't get it back.
I'm barely scraping by when it comes to that with work.
I'm not understanding why the situation is what it is and how I can't seem to progress.
So I appreciate your time and help.
That is a painful, painful question to listen to, isn't it?
Because you can feel the trap that she's in.
And there's a couple of things that I want to point out that I'm sure that you picked up on.
And maybe you've experienced this yourself.
Maybe somebody that you love is going through this.
You know, when she said that she can't get out of the loop in her head, that she's constantly stuck in.
When she said that I feel like I shouldn't have left my ex.
And that I am this constant loop of regret.
That's what she's living.
That's the trap.
She's not ready to change because her reality right now is regret.
What is the decision that Kristen needs to make, because there is so much power in a decision, if she's been living in regret in the constant loop over a breakup with her ex?
In my mind, the decision is very obvious.
You have to make a decision.
You have to say this next chapter of my life is going to be one of the best chapters of my life because I'm going to create that for myself.
And in particular, when you're dealing with regret, the research is very clear on this.
Daniel Pink is a multiple New York Times bestselling author and considered one of the most influential thinkers of our time.
And recently he led one of the largest studies ever on the topic of regret.
And he says regret is not meant to bury you.
It's not meant to punish you.
It's meant to teach you something you need to learn.
But you can only learn what regret has to teach you.
If you stop replaying things and start asking yourself, what is the regret trying to show you?
As long as you keep looking backward, your life will never move forward.
That's why you have to decide enough is enough.
Change begins with a decision.
And in Kristen's case, she has to decide that she's going to stop giving more time to her ex.
I mean, it's been years now that she's given to this relationship that's over.
The life that she keeps reaching for no longer exists anymore.
She has to turn toward the future and make a decision that she is going to move forward and she is going to do whatever it takes to create a life where she's happy.
And the reason why I'm hammering the power of making a decision, as the singular solution to the problem of being trapped is feeling not ready, feeling regretful, focusing on the past, convincing yourself actively that, even if you tried to move forward, you'd never be as happy as you used to be.
It's complete BS.
The decision is what sets you free.
It will give you something to build toward.
And that is what will break you free from the trap of not being ready.
All right.
This feels like a good moment to hit the pause button, because I can hear the wheels turning as you're absorbing all this information and thinking about yourself and the people that you love.
And don't go anywhere.
After we hear a word from our amazing sponsors, you and I are digging deeper into these three traps that keep you stuck.
And more importantly... what you can do about it.
So stay with me.
Welcome back.
It's your friend Mel Robbins today.
You and I are talking about the three traps that keep you stuck how to break free from these traps, get unstuck And move forward in your life.
Let's dive into trap number two, which is overthinking.
Oh my gosh.
This one will keep you stuck for decades.
You can waste a lot of your life overthinking and worrying about things and never actually get going or started on the changes you want to make.
Yes, you've made a decision that you want things to be different, but now you're stuck because you've fallen into the trap of overcomplicating your next move.
There's a couple ways you're gonna know that this is you.
You're constantly thinking about it.
You've got a million different ideas.
You are busy in the research mode, but you never actually get into action.
And one of the reasons why you're going to stay stuck in this place spinning your wheels some people do this for years is because you have not simplified the thing that you want to be doing into a plan that you could do every single day.
And by every single day.
I mean this has to be so simple that if you had 15 minutes a day that you could work on this change or work on this goal, or work on this thing that you want to accomplish, just 15 minutes a day.
That's how simple this is going to be.
Without that, your brain has nothing to aim at.
See, you're just going to keep on saying, oh, I just I want a different job.
I'd really like to be healthier.
I want to feel better.
I think I want to go back to school.
I want more purpose in my life.
I really know I'm meant for more, but I don't know what.
I want more for everything.
I want to meet somebody.
But if somebody were to stop and ask you, OK, that's pretty clear.
I can see that you'd like a new job.
I can see that you'd like to be in better shape.
How are you going to get there?
What are you doing about it today?
If I were to watch you on an average Tuesday, what is something that you're doing 15 minutes every Tuesday?
That would prove to me that you're not just thinking about this thing, but you've got a plan and that every day you wake up and you spend 15 minutes on it.
If you don't have it reduced to something so simple that you could do it every day for 15 minutes, then you're going to stay stuck in the trap of overcomplication.
Because if you don't have what you're supposed to do simplified, It's gonna be so easy to just sit up in your head.
It's gonna be easy to just freeze and do nothing.
It's gonna be easy to watch other people on social media doing the things that you're capable of.
And this is a trap that ensnarls so many people.
You're ready, but now you're overcomplicating everything.
And so let's listen to another question.
This one comes from Nate.
Hi, Mel.
I was just laid off two weeks ago from a consulting firm, a small firm specializing in software and data engineering.
I learned to code.
Now realizing that's not panning out as I expected it to.
What advice do you have for someone like me looking to figure out what's next?
What can we do for any sense of stability, predictability?
You know, what I love about Nate's question is he's feeling stuck because things didn't go according to plan and he's looking for stability and predictability.
And one of the best things about focusing on Creating a simple plan and reducing the thing that you need to do to something as simple as 15 minutes a day of action.
That gives you stability.
The plan gives you a direction to point yourself into.
Reducing it to 15 minutes of action a day, I call this the hot 15.
You got 15 minutes to make a lot of progress on something.
You'll be surprised how much those actions stack up.
So, since so many of you are looking for jobs right now, I want to address how you can break free from this trap of overcomplicating everything.
Because when you have a wide open future, it's easy to start to feel paralyzed.
And when the structure is gone and you no longer have the rhythm of your day to going to a job, you will start to overcomplicate everything and you're going to start to feel unmotivated and frozen.
And the fact that there's so much that you can do is the problem.
You have to reduce what you're going to do every day into a simple plan that gives you actions that you can basically start or complete in a 15-minute time block.
Number one, you have to focus on money.
Unless you're independently wealthy, you must take the time.
In fact, take the next couple of days get a handle on your budget, get a handle on your savings, get a handle on how much money is going out on subscriptions.
And this is a moment to tighten the belt.
This is a moment to get very serious about what you have and what you don't have, because it gives you a picture of your expenses and, more importantly, the runway that you have.
To be able to look for a job and to network.
So that's simplify number one.
Simplify.
Number two and this is going to sound weird is I want you to come up with a simple plan for how you're going to make yourself a better version of yourself while you're unemployed.
What do I mean by that?
Well, this is the perfect time for you to make yourself a project.
Is this when you get in the half marathon?
Is this when you cut out sugar or alcohol?
Is this when you read a book every week?
Is this when you go back to therapy?
Like what is going to make you simplify this, the best version of you.
And you never had time to do this, by the way, because you were always working and stressed out and too tired because of work and you always had stuff with work, and so you couldn't do that.
No, if we simplify the next three to six months into something that you're gonna work on for yourself, that makes you happier, that makes you feel more alive, that is the second thing we're gonna simplify and do.
And here's why.
Because if you're happier, if you're working on something cool, if you feel stronger, if you're taking better care of yourself while you're networking and making this career pivot, you're going to be better at interviews, you're gonna be more energized.
You're gonna have something to talk about.
Something's gonna light up inside of you that was not lit up in that job, that was sucking your soul dry and that's gonna impact the type of work you find.
And that brings me to the third simple plan you need.
You have to create a formula that is very simple, that you're going to follow four to five hours a day.
That will make you feel like you're doing everything you can to find a job.
You will find jobs by networking with people.
And if you were to spend every day and your goal every day is to reach out to five people every day?
That's what you do every day.
We've simplified it.
Within a week of reaching out to five new people every day, you will have a lot of meetings to do.
You will start to feel momentum.
You don't need to know what you're going to be doing for work yet.
You just need to get moving.
And this is so important because your job gave you structure.
And creating a simple plan for the five actions you're going to take every day.
And I recommend it's reaching out to five people every day, because that starts to create forward momentum and meetings.
And that is the beginning.
It creates structure.
It replaces the structure that your job had.
And if you don't put structure in by creating a simple plan, you're going to be up in your head.
You're going to be scrolling on social media.
You're going to be forever stuck in the trap of overcomplicating and overwhelm and you're not going to go anywhere.
And you don't have to have that happen.
Let's go to another question and go a layer deeper.
This next question comes from Alex and I want you to really listen and let's see if you can spot how he's in a trap, because he's over complicated things.
Hi, Mel.
My name is Alex Olson.
I feel stuck in a pattern of starting over and trying multiple career paths that don't work out or you end up being rejected.
How can I stop myself from going down the wrong path again and repeating the same mistake?
I just want to find happiness and stability with something that I look forward to every day.
I love this question.
I also want to debunk this myth or belief that there's some singular stable path.
I mean even careers that people could trust they could do for the rest of their lives are being disrupted by technology and venture capital and all kinds of innovation right now.
Everybody is going to be forced to reinvent themselves over and over and over again in their career.
And so I would throw out the window this sense of stability, and I would embrace reality, which is you have experience and skills.
You can market yourself to pivot your career forward.
Anytime you're not really happy with what you're doing anymore.
And I want to bring in some research from Stanford, because there's a very interesting principle that is taught at Stanford University when it comes to career change that I think is really going to make you feel less stuck.
Two professors from Stanford, their names are Dave Evans and Bill Burnett.
They have created this incredible course at Stanford called Designing Your Life.
They have been teaching this course for over two decades.
It is a rigorous method that helps you create the next chapter of your life.
And it's so effective that it is now taught this curriculum Designing Your Life at 6 hundred universities around the world.
Now, professors evans and burnett they came on the mel robbins podcast and they talked about this tool that they use in the life design curriculum, called the odyssey plan, and the whole idea is this you've got to stop putting so much pressure on yourself to figure out the one perfect path, because here's the headline There isn't one path.
There are so many possible versions of a good life.
In fact, this is what Professor Dave Evans said that's always going to stick with me.
There's no such thing as getting it right.
Just getting it going.
That's it.
There's no such thing as getting it right.
Just getting it going and trusting yourself that once you get going, that you will figure it out.
You don't need to know if the direction that you're choosing is the perfect one.
Now, in their course at Stanford, professors Evans and Burnett, they call this act of making a decision and just get going prototyping, which is basically a fancy way to say stop treating every decision like it's permanent.
Treat it like a series of small experiments.
And it sounds like as you listen to Alex's question, that's what his career has been.
That's what most people's careers are these days.
That's why you've got to experiment. simplify it.
Try the class.
Take the meeting.
Apply for the job.
Volunteer for the project.
Shadow somebody.
Go on the trip.
Test the idea.
See how it feels.
You build clarity by trying things.
You build confidence by moving.
You get stuck by overcomplicating.
You get stuck by questioning whether you should try something.
You start doubting yourself by getting in that loop in your head.
Remember, you don't have to get it right.
You just have to get going and then simply trust your ability to figure it out, because that's how you get out of trap number two.
Overcomplicating things.
You've got to make a plan and get going.
I know you're thinking of somebody right now who really needs to listen to this episode, somebody who's lost or stuck, who needs some support or maybe a kick in the rear end.
And so take a minute while we hear a word from our amazing sponsors and share this with your adult kids.
Share this with your brother or sister.
Share this with anyone in your life who is feeling stuck or who is capable of more, because this could be exactly what they needed to hear, exactly when they needed to hear it.
So don't go anywhere.
We have so much more to dig into around these three traps.
So stay with me.
Welcome back.
It's your friend Mel.
And today I'm revealing three traps that keep you and the people that you love stuck, and how to break free from each one of them and get your life moving forward again.
We were just talking about trap number two before the break, which is overcomplicating everything.
And that brings us to the third trap that keeps you And that's hesitation.
Hesitation will keep you spinning for decades.
And what it means is you're ready to change.
You've made a decision to change.
You've made the plan and you've simplified it down into simple things that you can do.
But now I'm hesitating now.
I mean, I have my plan.
I know I should be reaching out to five people a day.
I know I should be going to the gym.
I know I should be showing up at the hospice training.
I know I should submit the application.
I know I should put my dating profile online.
I know I should start cleaning up the back room.
But I can't seem to do it.
I need a job, but I can't look.
I need to get control of my money, but I can't open my bills.
The only solution when hesitation is the trap is you have to take action.
You have to stop waiting to feel ready.
I feel like I constantly talk about this because we all fall into this trap.
Whether you are stuck overthinking or you're stuck because you're worried about what your friends are going to think or, you know, you feel cringy or you think there's a perfect time or you're not quite sure today's the right day because the sun's behind the clouds and the wind is picking up and maybe today's not the day I should do this.
There is no perfect day.
There is no one coming.
You're never going to feel ready.
Motivation is garbage.
And you will be stuck for the rest of your life until you take action.
It really is black or white like that.
You have to stop waiting to feel ready.
You have to stop waiting for motivation.
You have to stop waiting for confidence and courage.
This is the trap of hesitation, and you will be in this trap until you get moving.
The only way out of this trap is to shut your mouth, turn off your brain, and move your feet.
Period.
And that's exactly what it sounds like your fellow listener Louise is dealing with.
So I want you to listen and I want you to listen and really hear.
She's ready.
She knows what to do.
So what's the problem?
Let's take a listen.
Hi, Mel.
I just left the. a very successful dog walking business in Toronto, Canada.
And I made the decision to come to a quieter place that I've always wanted for a long time.
And now that I made this decision, I feel completely lost.
I have goals.
I've always wanted to write a book, but my brain can't seem to get the first step going.
Any advice would be great.
I love Louise.
I don't mean to be harsh and sound judgy when I kind of get into these solo conversations with you, but I just
See and feel your ability to do amazing things.
And I also know how frustrating it is when you know you're in your own way.
And so let me call out a few things.
Louise made a decision to leave a business.
Huge decision.
She made a decision to move to a quieter place and have a quieter life.
Amazing.
That's the power of a decision, right?
You don't casually leave a business.
You don't casually move somewhere.
You have to make a decision.
You make a plan and then you take the actions.
And that's what helps you achieve the things that you want.
Now, what's keeping her stuck, though, is the inability to take action.
OK, so she's now in her new chapter.
She's in a quieter place.
She no longer has her business.
So one of the things we talked about earlier is the structure is gone from the business.
And don't underestimate how destabilizing it can be when you change jobs or you change places and the structure of your old life is suddenly gone.
The only thing that will help you start to feel the rhythm of your new chapter is stepping into a new structure with action.
And so this is going to sound obvious, but if what Louise wants to do?
I've always wanted to write a book, but my brain can't seem to get the first step going.
Well, Louise is a smart cookie because she's already changed her life dramatically.
And Louise knows, and so do you.
What is the first step to writing a book?
It's not trying to come up with the perfect title.
It's not writing an entire chapter.
It's not getting a book deal.
No, those are over-complication traps, right?
Let's simplify it.
What is the first step if you want to be a writer?
It's sitting down probably every morning and forcing yourself to write.
Even if you never finished the book, imagine how different Louisa's life would be and how different she would feel.
Imagine how different you would feel if, every single morning, starting today for a hundred days, you woke up And you sat down at your favorite chair or favorite table in your apartment and you put on a timer for 15 minutes and you flip to a blank page and you just wrote whatever came to your mind.
Imagine how different your life would be in 100 days.
If you saw yourself taking action every day.
You sat down on the days where you had a sinus situation.
You sat down on the days when your stomach was grumbling.
You sat down on the days where it was pouring rain, when it was sunny.
You sat down on the days when people were at your house and days when you were alone.
That every single morning, because this is what you do, you just wrote for 15 minutes.
You know what that would make you?
That would make you a writer.
So how do you get yourself into action?
Well, the fastest thing for me is to use the five-second rule.
When you feel hesitation.
That's why I created this to help me get out of bed and to stop hesitating and hitting the snooze button and laying there.
Just count backwards, five, four, three, two, one, then move.
That's how you can start it.
Another thing that can help you get into action is something that researchers call an implementation intention.
And the best way to leverage this research is pick a time and have the time signal when you're going to do this thing every day.
So, for example, 7 a.m., I go for the walk.
Because I've made a decision, I'm going to get in the best shape of my life.
I'm going to put my health first.
Here's another one.
At 8 a.m., I will sit down at my desk with my coffee and I'm going to spend 15 minutes writing.
When I finish dinner, after dinner, I will post the video to my new YouTube channel.
Sunday at four o'clock.
I'm going to set an alarm in my phone and that's when I do my meal prep for the week.
And what happens is when you pair it with a time, and the intention of this action that you're going to do in terms of the new habit is that it can make the action easier to perform because the time of day becomes a cue.
There are other ways that I want you to think about this.
How can you make this easier for yourself?
And let's just stick with the writing.
But you could insert anything.
Louisa's 15 minutes of writing could be your 15 minute walk, or your 15 minute strength training, or your 15 minute calling session to credit card companies to start getting a handle on your credit card debt.
It could be 15 minutes that you're spending learning the AI tools that that everybody at work is using.
So.
The 15 minutes, you can choose what you're doing with it, but how can you make it easier?
Well, you could set yourself up for success the night before.
One of the things that I like to do is I set out like you can get the coffee maker ready.
So that the coffee maker is ready to go for you.
You can get the type of tea that you like out the night before.
So it's ready to go for you.
You can also make this space that you're working in.
Whether you're working on a resume, or you're going to lay out your yoga mat and stream a class on your laptop, or you're going to sit down like Louise and write, you can make this space devoted to what you're working on.
So it feels like, oh, I go to this place, right?
And James Clear is one of the leading experts on habit formation.
He wrote the number one New York Times bestselling smash hit, Atomic Habits.
And he has this concept about creating lasting change.
And it happens when you stop obsessing over the outcome and start focusing on the identity.
What does that mean?
It means that anything that you want to change about your life, instead of focusing on what your body is going to look like when you lose the weight, Focus on what it means about you as your identity when you're the kind of person who takes care of themselves.
So for Louise, this isn't about writing a book.
It's about becoming someone who's a writer.
It's about acting as if you're a writer now. even if you never publish a book.
Because every day that you just sit down and write, even for 15 minutes, what are you?
You're a writer.
That action proves the identity of being a writer to yourself.
That's why the action matters.
Of, But every time you show up and you're the kind of person who looks for a job, you're the kind of person who cuts out sugar.
You're the kind of person who takes care of their body.
You're the kind of person who prioritizes sleep, not social media scrolling.
Your identity shifts.
And you break free from feeling stuck, stuck from the past, stuck from old versions of yourself.
This is so powerful that I really want to make sure you get this third trap, that it's hesitation.
So let's listen to a final listener and really listen.
She knows what she wants.
She's made the decision.
What she needs to do is obvious.
She's got simple things to do.
But there's this resistance and hesitation.
Let's see if you can hear it.
Hello, Mel.
Greetings from England.
I am such a big fan of yours.
I love your whole let them theory.
So recently I have put on a little bit of weight.
What I would love to do is I would love to have a go at starting exercise.
I used to do bits and pieces.
I would love to get back or get really into fitness to the point that.
My body is strong.
I feel confident in the shape I am.
And I stop condemning myself for being a little bit big or for having the cake.
I think we all do it as women.
We are our own worst critics sometimes.
I feel like I've had a go at crochet and I love it and I'm loving the learning and I'm loving the whole thing.
I would love to feel sort of like I'm like tackling the exercise the same way.
At the moment it feels like getting fit is such a big task.
I may as well not start, but I would love to be able to do it.
Angie, first of all, I love this question.
As you were listening, don't you just love Angie?
Can't you see her there crocheting with a big smile on her face?
And what I also love Angie, is that you've asked something that every single one of us can relate to.
This sense that there's something I really want to be doing and I'm making a decision and I can break it down and make it simple.
But, oh man, when I think about it it just feels like it's going to be such a big, overwhelming thing.
That's what's triggering the hesitation.
Right.
The thing feels so big.
I'll never find a job.
I'll never lose the way.
I've got such a big mountain to climb.
Why even take the first step?
That's your brain talking you out of even starting.
That's where the hesitation comes.
But what I hear is you've made the decision.
You know that this is something you want to do.
You are capable of breaking this down.
And I know that because of the beautiful thing that you've already told me.
And that's how you learn to crochet.
You love crocheting because it feels doable.
You learned it in little bits and pieces.
That's why you enjoy the process.
You didn't have to master the whole thing in one day.
We're going to make the same change here.
I'm the kind of person who exercises and I love taking care of my body.
I'm the kind of person who prioritizes my health because I love feeling stronger.
So when you stand in that identity, Now let's just simplify it.
What's one small, repeatable thing you can do in less than 15 minutes that will make you feel stronger.
And the reason why I want you to just focus on making it smaller, simplifying it, make it easier, is because the thing to master is consistency and getting going.
And the most simple thing that I can think of is go for a 15 minute walk.
Every day.
And here's what's cool.
We can borrow some of the research around intention setting.
And if there's a particular time of day you like to crochet, How about you take your walk after you're done crocheting?
So after I'm done crocheting, I take my walk.
Or you could do the opposite.
Before I'm picking up my crocheting needles every day this week, I'm going to take a 15 minute walk.
And that's how I'm going to start this.
You know, James Clear told this story when he was on the Mel Robbins podcast and we were talking all about the findings from atomic habits and some interesting research on changing your behavior.
He said that he had this one guy that he was working with that for an entire month.
The one action that he took was driving to the gym, getting out of the car, walking up to the front door, opening it.
He would walk inside, turn around, walk out.
That's it.
He didn't even exercise.
He was mastering the habit of showing up.
And when you're just getting started, that's what the action is.
You're mastering the art of showing up.
And that's how you get unstuck.
You could stay stuck in the trap of hesitation for a decade, convincing yourself it's too big.
It's not going to work.
I don't have time.
I've let myself go far too long.
Blah, bitty, blah, bitty, blah, bitty, blah.
But if you just 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, let's make it easy.
Let's make it simple.
Let's pair it with something that you're already doing.
And let's master the art of showing up 15 minutes a day.
Just do that for a week and you'll be unstuck. you will have broken free.
You will be on your way.
And once you can get 15 minutes in once, you feel like that's a no-brainer and you're actually enjoying it the way you enjoy crochet.
Now you can start adding things in.
James Clear calls this a vote for the person you want to be.
Every time You get out the door and you take a walk.
Every time you eat the salad instead of the fish and chips, you're making a vote for the future you.
You're making a vote for the person you know you want to be.
When you sit in hesitation...
And you don't get out of the chair and go for the walk.
You don't make a healthy choice in terms of what you're going to eat.
You're voting for the person who's stuck.
And so the second you start with your actions, voting for the kind of person you want to be.
I'm willing to guarantee you're going to experience less self-criticism.
And I want that for you.
And those are the three traps.
Isn't it really illuminating to see the three ways that we get stuck?
And they're so obvious now.
If you're not ready, then make the decision.
Make the decision to be ready.
If you don't have a sense of direction, pick the direction you're heading in and simplify it into the daily action you can take.
If you're hesitating, get going.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
Because that's how change begins.
And I also want you to know that I'm going to be here every step of the way to encourage you and support you, however I can.
Because sometimes you just need somebody in your life to say, yep, it's tough.
And you know what you need to do?
Put your head down and keep going.
And in case no one else tells you today, I wanted to be sure to tell you, as your friend, that I love you and I believe in you.
And I believe in your ability to create a better life.
And now that you know the three traps that are keeping you stuck, you also have the roadmap to getting yourself unstuck and doing the work to make your life better.
Alrighty, I'll be waiting for you in the very next episode.
I'm going to be there to welcome you in the moment you hit play.
I can't seem to get out of this rut that I'm in.
Hold on a second.
And finally start me and finally start moving forward and feeling great again.
The decision to change is what will get you unstuck because that's what I don't know.
Anything else?
I don't know if that was helpful.
Okay.
And I also want to dismay.
And I also want to, what's it called?
Like bust a myth that there's a singular stable path.
Okay.
Okay.
Team.
Sorry.
We slammed our way through that one.
Sorry guys.
Okay.
Thank you guys for coming.
Oh, and one more thing.
And no, this is not a blooper.
This is the legal language.
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you.
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
I'm just your friend.
I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist or other qualified professional.
Got it?
Good.
I'll see you in the next episode.
Sirius XM Podcast.
