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Sometimes situations are so detailed in their challenges.
Sometimes there are so many components to a problem or multiple problems in a situation that it can be difficult to know where to begin, to know how to even start thinking about what to do next, what to tackle first. I mean my general philosophy regarding overwhelm is to do one thing let's do one small thing first and say I did it I accomplished it it gets it off the table I got that concept probably from Dave Ramsey in his snowball his debt snowball thing what's it called it's when you get out of debt you you pay off the smallest bill first even though in the past I used to pay off the big bills I
would put all my money toward the big bills credit card debt for example, but Dave Ramsey, talk show guy, radio guy, financial guy, very wealthy, I used to listen to him a lot and he would talk about the debt snowball which is basically you pay off the smallest debt first and you get a sense of accomplishment.
You've done it, you've taken care of it.
You might think, oh it's only $19 a month, so I'm just gonna pay off this big one and I can just keep paying that small one but what ends up happening is that you end up saving money from those small accomplishments and putting you're able to put more money to the next big one or the next one in line so it goes from small to the one that's next in line so it was $19 a month the next one in line is $56 a month.
Now we can pay that off.
I was able to get rid of what was it?
13 ,000 in debt in like a matter of a year or two when I was in my 30...
you know 20 something like that I was in my 20s or 30s and I knew I had to get rid of this debt and I didn't know how and then I heard that debt snowball thing I said okay I'll do that it's the opposite of what I'm used to doing because I want to put all my money toward the biggest build because I want to get rid of that first." But it turned out doing the opposite was most productive and it got rid of my debt it was amazing I felt so good.
And so I see overwhelm like that.
Overwhelm was you have a pile of projects in front of you.
What can you do to give yourself a sense of accomplishment?
Because if you put more effort into something that's going to take a long time, and you have all these other projects, you may not ever feel that sense of accomplishment which does what?
It compounds your overwhelm.
I didn't finish anything, I didn't get anything done, but if I had only put the nail on the wall so I could hang that picture, that would have been done.
It would have been off my list, smaller list now.
So I love that approach when it comes to overwhelm is that you just accomplish something, and don't be afraid to reward yourself with something.
I put the nail on the wall.
I get a bite of ice cream, whatever.
Whatever works for you.
That's the way again.
That's the way I look at overwhelm and on how to tackle it, and not everything is that easy.
Not everything is that manageable.
For example, let me read you something.
I'm gonna read you parts of this email and I'll do my best to help this person start, do something, start somewhere.
Person wrote, Thanks for your podcast. I've been listening every day for months now.
Your advice has helped me immensely and I'm so grateful.
Your show helps clear the fog and confusion.
I'm still not sure what my reality is though.
Here's my situation my adult daughter and three grandkids moved in with me.
She left her husband their step father and their divorce was final several months ago.
At first it was great and I was so happy to help and get so much to spend so much time with them but each month that goes by my relationship with her my daughter gets more difficult.
I've spent a lot of money this year from my own savings on stuff that she owes.
I'm trying to keep out the details, and she quit her job and works somewhere for little pay because it's her happy place.
She stays after her shift and she hangs out there and she leaves me to do most of the parenting.
I started setting some boundaries with her, but things got worse.
I wouldn't let somebody move in with us that she wanted to move in.
I put limits on how often her friends can come over.
Also, I ask her to help me with household chores, which I think is reasonable and she says I'm abusive and she doesn't feel safe here.
She swears she hates it and she can't wait to leave. She says I'm judgmental and critical.
I was shocked. I started searching for ways to know if I'm the abusive one and And then I found your podcast, I found the Mean Workbook.
I did the assessment and when I was thinking about the relationship, you know, when she moved in with me, I scored 143 out of 200.
And for those of you who don't know, at lovingabuse .com, I have a workbook called the Mean Workbook and it helps to assess the level of control, manipulation and emotional abuse in your relationship, if any.
But usually there's a little bit and almost every relationship, and it's usually one offs here and there, but that is a full assessment in case you ever want to do it.
But she took that assessment and got 143 out of 200, which is way up there, way up there.
So there's something going on there.
And this woman went on to say, it seems obvious that she's abusing me.
So she was assessing her daughter, but I realize I'm not perfect.
I'm certain I have unhealthy coping mechanisms that you talk about.
She's my daughter. Is it my fault the way she is there's our first question, okay.
Let me highlight that one She goes on we share the same toxic family.
How can I untangle what I'm responsible for in this relationship?
There's another question.
I don't want to be the abuser.
I love her and the kids I purchased your healed being program for those of you don't know I help emotionally abusive change and heal and give them the best chance at Saving their relationships She purchased the program and I love the lessons you send and I see myself in your examples but I often see her behavior explained as well.
I still identify as a victim, a caretaking codependent.
My two marriages were two emotionally abusive avoidant alcoholics who controlled and used the silent treatment.
I'm sad that my daughter and I aren't even friends anymore.
I tolerate her presence here because the kids need a safe place and I never kick them out.
and then you talk about and she's talking about me you talk about the four ways to solve a problem but I'm just stuck I'm in the four ways I'll explain this the four ways she's talking about I believe are the four I can call them questions the four questions that you ask yourself the first question is am I willing to accept the situation and stay so can I accept the things the way they are can I accept who she is the way she is can I accept everything and be okay with it you know I may not like it but can I be okay enough where I'm not constantly griping about it and ruminating on it can I be
okay just because I've accepted that's who she is and that's just how it is can I be okay in that respect and the first question is can I accept this and stick around stay So that means that you accept the circumstances.
You accept the people, because it's, everything else is worth it.
Like if she said the kids are my top priority, then I'll just deal with everything else because I want to have time with the kids.
I want to keep them safe, or whatever.
So that's the first question, can I accept and stay?
And so what's your answer?
Your answer is probably, no, I can't accept this.
That's why I'm writing to you, Paul.
I can't this I don't want to stay in this situation the way it is okay so let's go to the second question can you accept the way things are and leave she might say no I don't want to leave I told you I want to be with the kids and it's my house you know these are the questions that you're gonna ask yourself if you're ever in a quandary if you're ever if you ever feel stuck like you don't know what to do next and you want to make a decision.
These are why I rely on the four questions.
I've done this myself many times, so I ask myself, can I accept and stay, no. Can I accept and leave?
No, I'm not going to leave. Plus, I don't accept this, so let's get past the acceptance part.
Okay, let's go to question three.
Will you reject what's going on and stay?
Well, of course, that's what's happening now, that's what she would tell me.
Of course, I'm gonna reject this and stay because the fourth question is will you reject this and leave And what you do is become clear in your mind.
Will I accept and stay?
No. Will I accept and leave?
No, will I reject and stay?
Well? Yeah, I'm gonna reject and stay and then will I reject and leave?
Well, no. So now I know my answer.
I know my answer is I'm going to reject and stay Here's the thing When you reject and stay, when you say yes to number three, what you are doing is basically...
Just hear me out and don't take this the wrong way.
You are exposing yourself to the situation.
You are choosing to stay in a situation that you know you have a problem with.
So when the situation, or the people in that situation are a problem for you.
The reminder is I put myself here and I am choosing to stay in a place that I cannot accept.
Therefore, again, bear with me.
Therefore I have no right to complain about it.
That is awful to say because the scenario that we're, talking about somebody's gonna say but this is different and you can't say that she's putting herself there because the kids take priority well here's the thing again this is a place I want you to bear with me this isn't about being right or wrong or there's a right or wrong answer this is only about a philosophy for your mind that's it I'm not going to look at you and say well you said that you're going to reject and stay.
Therefore you can't bitch about it.
You can't complain.
I can't say that. That's not what I'm saying at all because it's not true.
I'm not saying that's a true thing.
You chose to reject and stay.
Therefore you can't complain.
It's not a true statement, but it's a true philosophy.
And the philosophy is what guides your thinking and guides your decision -making a lot sometimes.
It's a philosophy, I live by this philosophy.
I live by these principles, I live by these values.
I live by these beliefs.
They're just guiding markers for you inside your brain.
So, this is how I see the four questions.
If I said, man I can't stand living with Asha.
My wife, I can't stand living with her.
She smokes and she drinks, And she leaves messes all over the place.
I just can't stand it and then I asked myself the questions Well, can I accept and stay no no I can't accept the way things are can I accept and leave well I don't want to leave I want this marriage to work out can I or should I reject and stay?
Well, that's what I'm doing now and again number four should I reject and leave?
I can't reject and leave and I'll explain that in a moment too, but I I reject and stay, I can tell myself, okay, I have made a choice now.
I am choosing, this is my new philosophy, I am choosing to stay in this situation, which means I have to become accepting of a lot of things I don't like.
Yeah, she smokes and she drinks and she leaves messes all over the floor and I have to wash all the dishes.
That last part is true.
She does all this stuff.
and I don't want to stay in it I don't like it.
And then everyday I'm thinking about it and I even mention it to her and I can't believe you're leaving this mess on the floor again.
On and on, everyday.
And I'm just feeling it inside I don't like it.
It gives me anxiety and I just get angry.
And then I choose one of the four questions.
I choose the direction I'm going to go, my direction is okay.
I'm going to reject but I'm going to stay which means I'm not gonna complain about it anymore.
Again bear with me this isn't necessarily for the person who wrote.
This is for a healthier mindset.
So I'm not gonna complain about what she's doing wrong in my eyes.
I'm not gonna complain about her messes, her drinking, her smoking, and she doesn't really do that stuff.
But she's a good example, I'm gonna use it.
Let's just say that I chose to reject what she does because I don't like it.
It's not one of my values, it's not one of my whatever beliefs or goals in life.
I want to keep a clean, fairly clean house.
I want to keep the smoking and the drinking.
Come on! That I don't want in my life, but if somebody I love is doing that, where can get inside my head or inside my heart to a place that is more accepting even though I don't like it and that is me saying yes to one of the four questions and once I say yes that's it.
I say yes I reject it and I'm gonna stay and that yes I'm choosing to reject is also a yes I'm choosing to stay which is also saying because I'm staying I have to accept the things as they are and know that they will never ever change and accept that I am making this conscious choice to stay in this situation even if I feel like it's an impossible choice even if I feel completely stuck and I know there's no out, I still have to come to that place inside my mind to develop a philosophy to live by.
Again, we'll get into this a little bit, but if I choose to reject and stay, I am saying I am going to stay, and because I'm rejecting what they do, how they treat me, but I am also choosing to stay, that means if I do have something to complain about," I have to remind myself that I knew this when I made my choice.
I knew, for example, I knew that Asha smoked and drink and did all this stuff when I made my choice, and that's the key comment at the end, when I made my choice.
Because after you ask yourself that question, accept and stay, accept and leave, reject and stay, reject and leave, after you answer the yes, then you made a choice.
Now you know that you are exposing yourself to something that you don't want, in this case reject and stay and now you can remind yourself this is the choice I'm making.
This situation has a lot of negatives to it but I'm staying because there's some benefit there's some value in it and I will have to accept the negatives that come along with the positives now this isn't my answer to this person I'm just setting this up as a premise just in case anybody is in this situation as in an overwhelming or stuck situation and needs to make a decision to go forward because sometimes we will stay a victim them to our own thoughts and our own complaints and our own anger, we will hold on to anger and upset towards somebody because they won't change.
And if they never change, I'm going to continue to be angry every single day.
And so we put ourselves into a negative state just by looking at someone else saying they're not going to change.
Why don't they change?
can't they see what they're doing to me and we keep ourselves in a negative state, hoping and wishing and praying that the other person changes, and doing that is self -exposure to harm.
You're creating a suffering scenario for yourself by looking at someone else waiting and wishing and hoping and praying they change and when they don't change the next day you have something else to be angry about or triggered or whatever.
So we look at that person and we expect that person to be different when we ourselves need to come to a very specific place inside of us that accepts things as they are.
So even though you reject something and choose to stay around that something a person, a place, a job, whatever.
It still contains a level of acceptance that must be assumed.
If I reject someone's personality and I stay around that personality then that's saying that I accept that there are flaws and imperfections or things that make me angry or whatever regarding that person and because I'm not leaving I have no choice but to accept that that's who they are and I'll just have to deal with it.
And this is a little bit simplified but I think you know what I mean and you've probably heard me talk about this before if you've been listening a while.
So this person who wrote, again, this is just a philosophical thing.
It's a mindset. It's not saying while you're staying, you don't like their behavior, just suck it up.
It's not it at all because I've been in situations myself where I was staying I didn't like the behavior and I just couldn't get past it and I didn't want to leave because that's another thing is that when you reject and choose to stay in that kind of situation you're also taking responsibility for your choices and what that means is let's just say that, again, my Asha, my wife, she chooses to smoke and drink and leave messes all over the house and i've got to do everything because i've chosen to stay in that situation i've also taken back my power i've taken taken taken taken back the power to
choose what i want for me for my life so if she started doing all this stuff and I said look you can't do all this stuff it's not healthy and then she said I can do what I want and I would say okay you're that's true because that's what I teach you can do whatever you want but mostly and I said okay you can do whatever you want but what you're doing is affecting me and it's actually making you less attractive to me and I'm having trouble getting through this because this hasn't been who you have been the whole time and now I've got to figure out what to do with it and she may say, well tough,
this is who I am and that might actually help me make my decision because that would help me understand that she's not going to change, which is something else I teach is that when you accept somebody as they are you also accept that they will never ever change from who they are being in that moment, they may change, they may change tomorrow, they may change in a month or never.
But people are who they show up as right now.
That's who they are.
And so you tell yourself, that's who this person is.
And somebody might tell me that that's not always true, somebody might change and maybe they're going through a phase and maybe Maybe this, maybe that.
It's all true. Maybe that person is going through a phase.
Maybe that's not really who they are.
Maybe they're just angry right now and they're working on something.
But choosing to accept who they are as they are showing up today gives you your power because you can look at somebody and say, okay, this is who they are today, and if I choose to stay, even if I feel like I have no choice and trying to create this mindset, If I choose to stay with somebody who I who is acting this way who is this way Then I have the power to choose to stay with that person or not because I don't want to be stuck in Waiting and hoping and wishing and praying mode.
I don't want to be stuck in that mode.
I Don't want to hope things change tomorrow.
I don't want to wish they Things were different.
I want to continue moving forward in my life And it's so much easier to look at someone and say they're not going to change.
So what do I, what am I going to do with my life?
What am I going to do for me?
Because they appear very set in their ways.
And that gives you your power.
That's how you get your power.
You lose your power when you think, well, maybe they'll change tomorrow.
Now you're giving away your power.
And that's quite harsh for me to say, but it, there's a sense of that.
Maybe they'll see what they're doing to me and finally get it through their fixed cull that they're hurting me or they're being awful.
It's true they could eventually get it but what do you see today because who they are being today is who they are because that's all you ever have you don't have the future all you have is I mean you have the future but you can't predict it you don't know what happened in the past or you know what happened in the past because it happened.
So you have that trend you can tell the pattern what happened in the past. Where they liked this yesterday, where they like this last month, where they like this a year ago because that's the pattern.
You can't expect it to change.
If it does change, then you get to eat some ice cream because you celebrate and you're happy if you like ice cream, if you're lactose tolerant.
And you can feel better because they've changed, but at least you weren't putting your life on hold waiting for them to change.
So now that I've spent all that time talking about something I've already discussed in the past, I'm sorry again if this is a repeat topic for you, but I wanted to put that out as a foundation, a premise, and a way to pretty much program yourself to be able to keep your power because we don't want to put ourselves in any type of victim mode where we think we can't do anything about something because we just have no choice.
The truth is we almost always have a choice, it just may not be the choice we want to make.
Like we may not want to run into a burning house and get burned ourselves trying to save a cat or a dog or a person we may not want to do that and we may say it's impossible because the house is full of fire but we still have a choice to do so the choice is there if somebody might say well that's a dumb choice houses on fire there you know there's nothing you can do and that's probably true I'm not telling you to do this fire is very hot and then who wants to get burned or die.
You might get in there and you can't breathe because of so much smoke, even though your intentions are to save someone.
So somebody might look at that and say, I'm not going in there.
It's impossible. I will die, but you do have a choice.
Just that choice may not seem like a good choice.
It may seem like a noble to Mates.
It may seem like the choice you should make.
But sometimes we look at something and we think, oh, there's just no choice.
I have to go in this direction.
I can't do anything about it but sometimes that sometimes there is a choice we just don't want to make it.
Just like this person, sometimes there is a choice you just don't want to make it.
So that brings us back to rejecting and staying means accepting that there are things going on with that person and that situation that will never change.
Putting the power to choose to be responsible for what happens next in your life back on you all of this means that we're not pointing the finger anymore and saying that person is causing me to be unhappy even though it might be true I might say the same thing that person is causing me to be unhappy I might say that I probably would I'd be in the moment and I'd be upset and then I'd have to remember but I'm choosing I'm making a choice this is what I'm doing with my life at this time at this moment and the people I'm spending the time with, but I can't leave it's impossible I have no money if I
leave I'll sleep in my car if I even have a car well maybe that's my scenario.
It may not be a choice I want to do but it is a choice.
I don't like that choice I would want to make that choice myself and sometimes you will have to stay in a situation for a while until you get to that point so where are we going with her I think we can come back here and maybe handle some of her questions but I don't think I finished this oh yeah I didn't finish reading this because it's important for the context she went on to say I'm sad that my daughter and I aren't friends anymore I tolerate her presence here because the kids need a safe place oh yeah I read that you talk about the four ways that's where I went into the four ways I'm just
stuck I I resent that she doesn't help me clean, parent, or pay for anything.
It's my problem because I can't get her to change.
I won't ask her to leave, so I have to accept her as she is?
I've been trying, yet I resent that I do everything.
If I say or do something she doesn't like, she lays into me.
She says the house doesn't bother her so she doesn't have to clean.
and it's my fault for being judgmental in your examples the abuser is trying to change the victim regarding a behavior that most people would consider acceptable like eating sweets are going out with friends in my case I believe that she is let me explain that real quick is that she said the abuser is trying to change the victim regarding a behavior that most people would consider acceptable what that means like she gave the example like eating sweets in my previous life when I was emotionally abusive and I had to look at that and heal from that before I did before I looked on looked at it before
I accepted that I was even that way because I believed I was right about everything or a lot of things my ex -wife she would eat sweets and it would bother me and previous partners they would go out with friends and it would bother me because I was jealous and clingy and possessive I've been doing in this long time, talked about this so often in my show, the last 11 years, for the overall brain and the love and abuse, so you've probably heard me talk about that, but what she's saying is that what I found a bother in my relationship, my wife eating sweets, other people would say, what's your problem?
That's nothing, that's benign, everyone eats sweets, or everyone does this, or everyone does that, and they wouldn't have a problem with it, so that's what she's saying.
In your example, the abuser is trying to change the victim regarding a behavior that most people would consider fine.
And so she goes on, in my case I believe that she is genuinely genuinely wrong for not helping me in the household.
I feel that I am being used.
I feel that the general public would agree with me, spending hours staring at her phone or napping while I work taking care of her kids and the house and her dogs.
I feel she is ungrateful and abusive.
The problem is she's my daughter, not my spouse.
I can't just leave. I can't kick her out because of the grandkids.
I'm stuck. I was hoping that maybe it was my fault so that I could learn to change and be okay with her the way she is.
I'm trying to reframe my thinking, not be critical of her choices.
I'm trying to just expect nothing of her.
Focus on the good, you know, I'm doing for the kids and hope that she eventually sees how much she's hurting me.
I'm exhausted, but I'll keep reading and listening to your show.
Thank you so much for your guidance.
I don't know what to do without it.
Um, thank you for sharing that.
That's very tough. I get it.
And I read the whole thing.
I don't normally read the entire email, but it lays out the foundation for all the questions that you answered and I think it's helpful for people listening to hear your situation and then relate it to what they're going through or what they have gone through, what is going on in their life and I'll I'll give you some of my insights.
So the first thing I think about is it sounds like you're looking for reasons that you may be at fault when the fault may not lie with you at all.
It's what you said at the end you know I just it It would be easier if it was me at fault so I could change something.
You know, the first thing I think about is that if you've never been a disciplinarian raising your children, you may have created the monster, so to speak, you know, the quote, monster.
So if your daughter won't listen to you now, was it something that you created?
Was it something that you did?
Was it your quote, fault?
It's possible. I mean we all take a hand in raising children and it's possible she learned something from you or learn nothing from you because it's also possible that you had nothing to do with who she is today and how she's showing up.
All you have control over though, here's the thing, all you have control over right now is what happens today.
So the past doesn't matter so it doesn't even matter that you can look back and say well is it my fault, was something I did, what shouldn't I do unless you're thinking about raising her kids and how you raised her and how it might be different I know if I never received discipline boy I would probably be a different person today so that's why I mentioned that and I'm not talking about getting the belt that helped when I was a child but I don't think it's even legal nowadays it might be but I'm talking about just saying, no, you can't have that.
And then the kid cries.
And then, you know, I'm not going to give you parenting advice.
I'm not the one to do it, but if you haven't been a disciplinarian and your daughter thinks that she can get away with anything she wants, then yeah, you probably had something to do with it.
But it doesn't matter, because now you're an adult, she's still your daughter, it's your house.
And you have a say and you've been saying your thing, you've been saying your say.
And she doesn't like it, what kids do but she's also an adult child who sounds like she may not have grown up who sounds like she may not really care about how you feel and maybe she does maybe she doesn't maybe she is going through a phase but I don't want to assess or analyze your daughter I'm not the person to do that somebody else can do that I'm going by what you said here and and you asked one of the is, am I the abusive one in the relationship?
Here's my response.
You could be. If you resonate with the lessons you said that you read, and you've been doing some of these behaviors, you know, yourself to try to control people and outcomes, you could be, but you may not be.
But with kids, that's a different story.
Children who live under your roof, I think they have to follow your rules.
I believe that children who live under your roof, unless they're paying rent, have to follow your rules, your house, your rules.
That's my personal opinion.
Some people may not agree with that.
And that's fine with that.
However, you get along with your children or friends or roommates or whatever.
But you know, if somebody moved into my house, even Asch's child on my stepson now, if he moved in, we probably wouldn't charge him rent unless he was a big pain in the butt hey you're here and you're not cleaning up and you're wasting a lot of electricity and you're gonna have to pay something that because that's how it would have to go my house my rules her house her rules and if he needed help of course we're gonna help but the point is right now you're basically roommates in my opinion your roommates because she's an adult and roommates typically pay their share of the rent and have their
part of the house to take care of but if she's not paying rent and and that's not the arrangement then she has no accountability for her behaviors.
She has none she can get away with anything because what happens when she does something that you don't agree with and nothing happens to her if she had to pay rent it might be a different story maybe she is I don't know.
But the truth of the is if somebody doesn't have accountability for their behavior there's no reason for them to change and if somebody has been this way that's their pattern or they developed this pattern then they've realized that oh I can just get away with stuff so it doesn't really matter you could tell me to clean the house all day long but what happens if I don't oh nothing okay oh you yell at me okay well I can handle that no problem I'm still living here and I can still leave my mess and eventually you clean up the mess anyway so no big deal.
that might be her mindset or might not but that's how I would see it if it were happening to me.
well you know I told you to clean up you know what you left on the floor and you didn't so I have a problem with that.
what are you gonna do?
that might be my approach. I have a problem with you not cleaning up so what are you gonna do?
well they might say just like your daughter I don't have a with it so I'm not going to clean up well you know I pay for the house I have a problem with it so you need to do something about it if you don't do something about it then I will I might take all the trash that they left on the floor and put on their bed I'm not suggesting this I'm just thinking no one's going to take advantage of me that's where I come from no one's going to take advantage of me I love you and this is how I show you I love you by showing you that there are consequences to your behaviors.
That's love. What's not love is I'm going to let you get away with these behaviors to show you that it's okay to mistreat me.
That's not love. I don't sense love in there at all.
So in order for love to be present sometimes there has to be accountability for somebody who is blatantly mistreating or blatantly not caring that you have to do all the work or pay all the bills or whatever.
Sometimes there has to be accountability.
But what comes with accountability?
Accountability comes with the risk of losing relationships.
Accountability comes with the idea that if you say, well you're gonna have to clean up or else or you're gonna have to start paying or else your daughter already wants to leave I think that might be a little lie because she's not she's not leaving and she certainly doesn't seem to be wanting to make more money so that she can leave, so to me it sounds like a veiled threat.
I'm being a little direct and I'm sorry about that I don't mean that I know this stuff it just sounds like it sounds like that And when she says, well, I'm just going to leave or I want to leave because you're so judgmental and controlling yet she stays and doesn't get any extra money.
Something else going on there.
It sounds like she knows that if she leaves, you won't see the children anymore.
And that's a great threat to use against you so that you can lay off.
I am again being direct, I could be 100 % wrong.
problem. But I put myself in your shoes and I'm thinking what's going on here.
I am extrapolating this from your message.
She says she wants to leave. That sounds a little manipulative because she's not leaving and she's not doing anything to make it look like she's going to.
That's why I am more fond of the accountability route in this particular case, because if If you say, well, this is what's going to happen from this point on, whatever that is for you, whatever needs to happen, might need to happen.
And she may hate that you are causing her to have to do something.
Do something she doesn't want to do.
She may hate it, but I see love in that approach as opposed to what's happening now.
What's happening now is she's getting away with something and mistreating you and that's not love.
So yes, it's a bigger picture.
It's a zoomed out picture of, hey, this is the scenario that's going on.
There's no love in it.
There's only negativity.
There's a lack of empathy and there's certainly a lack of power.
It's all negative. How do I make this a positive thing?
Well, You can stand up for yourself, honor your boundaries, honor your values and be the person who shows her what proper manners and etiquette and rules of a roommate kind of situation, rules of a daughter situation, don't do as I say.
Just know that this is my opinion.
I'm not saying that you should lay down the hammer and suddenly you lose access to your grandkids and I mean because it could happen accountability involves risk there is a risk if you make her accountable that you could lose access to her children because they're her children and she may just do something my feeling is that she is using your fear of losing those children to get away with she wants.
This is not an easy situation.
I know this is not this is a very challenging question that you're asking me or many questions that you're asking me.
So I'm gonna go through a few more of these but before I answer the other questions I want to ask you a question and it's this.
If you knew for a fact that you'd have to do everything all the time, for the rest of the time she's there and you'd never ever get any help from her whatsoever.
How would you move forward?
Then what would you do, then?
What would be your decision then?
What does this do? It takes out hoping and wishing and praying.
It takes it out of the equation because now you're saying, I know for a fact that she will never do anything.
She, I would have to do everything all the time and I'll never get help from her Ever.
I've accepted that.
You know, this is do we accept that?
That's who they are.
That's who she is. You know, this is how she's showing up today.
So we accept that's how she is and who she is.
And so with that in mind, knowing she will never ever change, what is your next step after that?
Then the, the thought might come to mind.
Well, if she's never going to change, I don't know if I can handle that.
Okay, well it's happening now.
she's never gonna change.
You found out. You got your crystal ball out and it told you she's never gonna change.
You saw five years from now she's the same way if not worse.
Now what? You know what's going to happen.
Tomorrow, you know what's gonna happen because you're committing to this question, you're answering it.
Oh, well if I knew for a fact that she would never change and she always be this way then I guess I would have to what that fill in the blank is very important because it is not only defeat it's also power what do I mean is that when you say I guess I would have to what show her accountability you're just feeling defeat because you don't want to go there because if you wanted to go there you would have already and or you could say I might just have to give up, there's more defeat.
Giving up is also a place of power.
You're giving in to what's happening.
That's a powerful place.
I'm giving in. I'm not going to think about it anymore.
It's happening. There's nothing I can do about it.
I've accepted it. Doesn't mean you don't do anything for yourself.
It just means I've accepted what's happening.
So I'm giving in. It's a power statement.
So where are you with that?
When you answer that question, if I knew she wasn't gonna this is going to be how it is for the rest of our lives together I would then do what?
What's my next step?
And your next step may not happen for months or longer or days or whatever.
But this is what I would do if I knew nothing would ever change.
So that's a little fill in the blank power statement that you can or power question, if you want to look at it that way.
Acceptance forces you to take a side it forces you to make a decision and then you move forward on that decision even though it might be hard even though there might be risk and of course the opposite if you choose to wait and hope and pray that she changes then you have to accept that you will absolutely wait forever that is the key another key is that if you choose to hope that she changes and wait until tomorrow and then wait until the next day and then wait until the next day even though no matter what you've done to this point hasn't changed anything you will wait forever I don't know that for a fact
but I make it a fact in my mind Aisha is never gonna change she's always gonna drink and smoke and leave all these messes I'm not putting anyone down for drinking and smoking I'm just saying in my house I really don't want that happening I don't want to smell like smoke I don't want her walking around like my drunk stepfather I don't wanna trip over her stuff but let's just say that happened and I accepted okay she'll never change but let's just hope that she does tomorrow let's just hope that she sees how upset I am and sad I am well what if I don't what if I choose that this is the way it'll
be forever then I can make a choice for myself the power comes back to me if she does happen to change tomorrow great then we can have a new conversation.
I'll be totally shocked, totally surprised, and then we'll talk about it then but from what I've seen that's not gonna happen so I have to accept that it won't.
Alright the next question she asked is it my fault that my daughter is the way she is?
I think I answered that looking at my notes.
It depends on how, I'll just read you what I wrote here, it depends on how you teach your daughter responsibility and accountability.
Remember, I talked about love?
There is love in teaching someone responsibility and accountability.
It is a loving thing to do.
It is one of the most loving things to do, I think, because you're teaching them how to get along in the world, how to get along with other people, how to be productive in the world and how to be loved.
What is loving? It's teaching somebody how to be loved.
if someone is irresponsible and they don't care about what they do because there's no accountability, it's very difficult to love someone like that.
Very difficult. It would be very hard to love Asha, if she took no responsibility and didn't care how I thought about things and didn't care how things affected me.
It'd be hard to love.
So, when you have a child, even though they're an adult child, they're still your kid to teach them accountability and responsibility is a very loving thing to do and yes they could hate you for it but it is a lesson that they can choose to take with them and teach their own children someday or not have anything to teach their own children someday and I'm not laying that on you I'm just saying that in your situation person who wrote to me in your situation you have a daughter that isn't taking responsibility or isn't accountable and again I'm just going to say it's a loving thing to do to teach
those things. All right your next question is what do I do about my feelings of resentment toward her?
So this is what I wrote down if I were in your shoes I'm not saying that you should do this but if I were in your shoes I would say the following I'm feeling a growing resentment that you don't help keep my house clean when I pay the bills and take care of your children.
I feel like you don't care about me and are taking advantage of me.
That may not go well but that's where I go when I think about being in your situation and I don't even know if that's the right thing to say but a conversation like that might have to happen if it hasn't already.
I understand and why you feel stuck, but let's just say that you enforce some rules around the house, and what will she do if you did that?
We already know that she probably can't leave because she can't afford to.
I mean, I don't know if that's true.
Maybe she has money elsewhere, but she might actually have to follow your rules, and especially, this is another thing about accountability is that she would be responsible for her own choice to stay with somebody that she thinks is abusive because you said she called you abusive so she's making the choice to reject and stay she doesn't like that you're abusive quote abusive but she's making the choice to stay with you and live with you from that point on so to me it sounds like she's just telling you that you're abusive so that she can get away with doing as little as possible but there's the difference
between honoring yourself and stating boundaries and emotionally abusive behavior it's the difference between boundaries and rules and emotionally abusive behaviors and that's what you can tell her she can say you're being abusive and then you could say no there are rules there are rules to the house that you know there are rules to living here I follow those rules I clean up I pay some bills I get the food I follow my own rules because Because that's how a functioning household works.
So this is a boundary, this is a rule in the house.
It is my boundary because if you don't follow it, it's against me.
So you may think that what I'm doing and being is judgmental and hurtful and critical.
But that's the rule.
I mean, this, this is how it needs to go in this house.
It's not emotionally abusive to set up boundaries and rules.
it's how we function here.
So if you aren't happy with that I don't know what to tell you but this is how it's going to be.
It may not be easy, I know some of this stuff I'm saying is you might be thinking I just can't do that I just can't say that.
I just can't risk that.
What if she does leave?
What if she takes the kids?
That's a risk and this is why I say sometimes we have to accept things the way they are in order to access all the benefits of the way things are and sometimes the way things are has some negative side to it as well some negative aspects to it.
Alright, your next question is how do I reframe my thinking to be less critical of her choices?
So here is where we may or may not differ on this, but let's just say that you were a boss in a company and you had employees and you had six employees five of the employees worked diligently every time you walked by their desk they were working on something for the company and then the sixth employee you caught them playing games sometimes taking a nap relaxing but at the end of every day every single employee got their work done.
Would you discipline the employee that was seemingly slacking off, playing games, napping, taking four lunches a day?
Would you discipline them?
Because the other employees are complaining maybe and you have to deal with that.
There's accountability, right?
I personally would not discipline the person that is creating the same results as the other employees.
That's just how I operate because I'm getting the results I want so that's how I see the answer to your question you said how do I reframe my thinking to be less critical of her choices look at her results so how does this apply to her let's just say that she slacks around slacks off all day and you are sick of seeing that and you want her to bring in more money and you want her to help you clean all the stuff that you've already said but let's just say that she does end up bringing some money in and she does end up doing what she seems to be avoiding but eventually it does happen.
Now there might be a timeline issue here, like well eventually it could be a month from now and you might have to enforce the timeline there.
But let's just say it happened by the end of the day but it just upset you to see her being lazy all day long looking at her phone or whatever it upset you to see that because she should be doing this instead but by the end of the day you got what you wanted or needed then I could see that as okay there is a result that can help me be less resentful because I'm still getting the results I want now what you're gonna tell me is that yeah she doesn't do that I don't get the results I never get the outcome I want it never happens I don't know how to reframe your thinking to be less critical of her
choices if someone moved into my house and I said okay here are the rules rent is due on this date this refrigerator is yours this refrigerator is mine you know if we had two fridges and this is how it's gonna be and they said great okay let's do that and eventually they stop doing something or they do something that's outside of those rules, outside of the boundaries.
You know, you're sneaking into our fridge.
I know you are, because I saw you do it.
I saw you take my yogurt.
Please don't go into our fridge.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
Whatever. And they stop doing it for a day.
And then the next day they are sneaking in again and they're doing it.
And so now I have a problem.
I ask them not to do it and they're still doing it.
So, it would be very difficult for me not to be upset because I'm feeling like they don't care how I think.
They don't care how I feel.
They don't see me as any type of boundary maker and they do not respect my position.
They do not respect me.
so it would be very difficult not to be resentful and critical.
It would be very difficult.
That's, you know, your previous question about resentment.
I can understand that, so would I reframe how I feel?
Would I reframe how I am perceiving this person?
No, because the reframe would cause me not to create accountability.
You know what if you go in my fridge one more time I'm gonna have to raise your rent because you're raising our food cost. That's ridiculous I'm only getting a yogurt or I'm only getting the sandwich that you made for yourself it was already made I took it.
Jerk. Well if you do that again you know that's your choice then I will have no choice but to raise the rent that's how it works.
I'm sorry if you don't like it, but my house.
My rules. That's how it goes.
Wow that's just ridiculous.
I'm not going to pay anymore.
You have a choice to leave. You have a choice to do whatever you want, but these are the rules.
So we're getting back to that.
But I couldn't, coming back to her question, I couldn't reframe my thinking.
I think reframing sometimes.
Maybe in this particular case, in very specific cases.
Reframing might cause us to avoid having to do what's necessary.
We don't want to reframe ourselves into doing nothing.
We don't want to say, well I'll just look at this from a positive side and realize that, you know, they're still young, they're still learning.
And this person she gave her daughter's age, I'm not gonna say it here but she's old enough to know better she's an adult a full -grown adult and if I reframed that and said well you know she didn't get the discipline when she was growing up and you know we talked about that earlier and she has a lot of stuff going on a lot of challenges in her life.
If I did that then it might create the environment where she can continue getting away with things and allowing her to continue disrespecting me and on and on and on.
It just creates a more...
I don't want to say toxic but a dysfunctional place and though the more function we can add to a place.
The more love is allowed to blossom even though there might be anger.
It's a strange perception, maybe, but that's mine.
That's how I look at it.
Alright, a couple more questions and we're just about done here, she asks what should I focus on to manage the situation better?
You're not gonna like my answer.
This is my opinion.
It's not gospel. I'm not Mr. Know -It -All, I'm just telling you what I would do.
And what I would focus on to manage the situation better is the most important benefit that keeps you from doing what you know you need to do so that you have a bigger picture in mind.
Let me rephrase that a little bit, you're in a relationship with somebody who is very difficult and not helpful or not helping in a lot of ways and so here you are trying to take care of everything, all for the purpose of wanting to have a relationship with her kids.
And I know you want to heal the relationship with your daughter as well.
But it seems that your priority, at least from what I have read in your message, are her children, and you don't want to lose access.
And you don't want to lose connection in the relationship that you have with their children.
And so what do you focus on you focus on what's best for her children?
Now it's not. It's I mean, you're probably telling me right now?
Yeah, that's what I'm doing now.
That's why I'm going through all this, but what really is best for her children, is it best to watch their mom get away with what she's getting away with and disrespecting her mom, their grandmother?
Is that best for the children?
I'm challenging you here.
I don't mean to be mean, it's not what I'm trying to do at all.
I'm just helping you I'm just helping you reframe it in a way where you can see that there's more at stake.
If you choose to lay out some accountability, there's more at stake if the children might be exposed to their mom disrespecting her mom, their grandmother, because what will their children do when they grow up?
they'll probably disrespect their mom because that's what they were taught to do that's a total shot in the dark it could be that it could be something else it could be the opposite like they might say that mom never respected grandmas so we're not gonna do that they could go the opposite way but I do know that when there's disrespect in a relationship that's not love and when somebody uses is the fact that you're making rules.
And that must mean you're judgmental and critical.
And you want these seemingly benign things, seemingly normal things, common everyday things that we all should do or we all should be a part of, cleaning the house.
Bringing home some money to contribute if we can.
You shouldn't be called abusive for making normal requests.
requests. That's not an abnormal request. That's a normal common everyday request that we would expect from some people.
And what I'm saying is you asked the question, What should I focus on to manage this situation better and if you are focused on what's best for the kids, I just want you to be really clear what is best for the kids.
If that is your most important focus on this whole thing.
If the kids are your most important focus on everything that's going on, then be really clear, what is the most important aspect of that?
What is the most important approach of that?
Thinking about everything I just said, how can you show love?
How can you teach love?
Because love isn't just saying I love you.
Love isn't getting someone a special gift. It is, and it's not the totality of it.
The totality of love includes a lot of things.
Including, sometimes you have to make the rules.
Sometimes you have to say this is how it has to be.
And I'm saying this because I love you.
Because I want to have a relationship with you.
And if you continue along this path, I'm going to grow resentment towards you and I don't want that to happen because I love you and I want to continue a wonderful Relationship a friendship with my adult daughter.
I Want to continue this and I want there to be love between us.
So this is What needs to happen?
And if she says well you're just manipulative and judgmental and controlling.
I'm sorry you feel that way but there are rules, you know, just bring it right back.
Don't try to defend yourself.
Just bring it right back.
I'm sorry this is what's going to happen.
And again, this is if you choose this route because you already told you that with accountability there was risk.
So when you ask, what should I focus on to manage this situation better?
I say focus on what's most important and be very clear about what you believe you need to do and What needs to happen in order for what's most important to get what's best?
If the children are most important, which I believe that's what you're telling me, then how can they get the best?
How can you give the best of what you can give?
Then you might have to overcome some of your own insecurities, some of your own sense of overobligation, some sense of maybe people pleasing.
I don't know if any of that's in there, but sometimes you see the bigger picture and go, well, the children deserve better than this, and in order for that to happen, you know, let's just say it's the children that are your top priority.
In order for that to happen, I might have to step into another role in myself, instead of letting fear drive my decisions, and again, please don't do what I say.
just consider everything I'm saying, because doing what I say, yes, could lead to the risk that you don't want to take, and I don't want to put you in that position, you know, not unless you want to, but I'm giving you the typical formula of, you know, the beliefs I have about love and connection and relationships, and I've been doing this a long time, so this formula tends to work out best even when relationships don't work out and I'm hoping that everything I'm saying here is somewhat true that she's not really willing to leave because she doesn't want to and I'm hoping that's all true so if you
do present some accountability that she won't just get up and leave I don't know but again these are risks and sometimes love involves risk a lot a lot of the times an involved risk.
The final question that I'm gonna answer here is how can I handle the exhaustion I feel from this situation?
Here's my take from the mental exhaustion that you're feeling or maybe in physical exhaustion that you're feeling exhaustion from an impossible situation is almost always caused by the decisions you don't want to make.
They are just the constant compounding resistance that you feel inside because you just don't want to make that decision or go in this direction.
Like if you don't want to tell her what to do because it will create more strife and more anger and more tension, then you will become exhausted.
Constantly thinking about what you want to happen is not happening and the decision that you want to make and the action that you want to take, you won't.
So that will create a conflict inside you and it will exhaust you.
My last note on this I'm going to read it to you, it says, never let someone else push you to the point of exhaustion.
Otherwise you will eventually break or explode.
What that means is if you are dealing with a person who is resistant and they will not do what you want them to do and they're even harmful or toxic to you, if you allow that person to push you to the point of exhaustion because you've tried everything and you keep trying everything you might have to give in you might have to give up you might have to admit defeat and realize that some people will never change and some people will never show love like you do and you will just have to take a different path because trying to change someone or wait for someone to change is an impossible endeavor.
We just have to move forward as if they won't.
I don't know if any of this is helpful to you.
I don't know if this puts you in a worse position like, oh great now what do I do?
But I wanted to share with you all the caveats and all the benefits of doing one thing versus another and then having that just kind of roll around in your head so that You can come up with a decision that is best the the best one for you the best one for everyone involved you know sometimes we have to make decisions for other people because they don't make good decisions for us now they may make decisions on their own for themselves and they could screw up their lives or whatever but if they're in our life and they're making decisions that affect us then we might have to step in and say, now this can't happen
anymore. This is how it needs to be.
And again, there's risk, but I choose to live my life with risk because that's where love comes from.
And this is how I see things.
And again, I don't know if this is helpful, but I hope it is.
And I wish you the best with this situation.
Stay strong. I know this is tough.
I know it is. And you'll get this, you'll get through this somehow.
It'll be a challenge, but you will get through this.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank the patrons that give to this show every month and people who donate.
I am very grateful to you.
Thank you so much for your support.
If you find value in this show, like these patrons do, head over to MoreTOB .com and there are ways to give back over there.
And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, if that's what we're talking about today, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at LoveAndAbuse .com.
And if you know you are the difficult one in the relationship, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over at healedbeing .com.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
Be firm in your decisions and actions, so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you.
You are amazing. Let us You
