All right, I'm sharing with you something today that I've never done before.
See, one of the things that is probably my favorite thing to do in the world is a live Q&A.
That's right. I don't even know the question that is coming to me because that allows me to think on the spot, to just say something that feels... casual and connected.
And honestly, it just feels like I'm talking to a friend over coffee.
Now, I do these live Q&As frequently in Good Inside membership.
And one of the things I've been hearing from podcast listeners is, okay, I'm into the podcast.
What is different about membership? And there's so many different things about it.
But one of those things, and it happens to be my personal favorite thing, is these live Q&As.
Thanks for watching! And I thought, hey, why not just release one?
Let you experience it yourself. Now, I want you to listen for a certain moment.
Because I think it's so easy to think, well if my question isn't answered, I don't know, should I keep listening?
To me, parenting is like drinking from a fire hose.
It is so hard to look around the corner and then we're constantly surprised by the next thing.
What I hear from parents all the time in Q&As is the most valuable part of coming to a live Q&A is hearing a question and an answer that they didn't even think to ask but they immediately know, oh my goodness, that is something that's helpful to keep top of mind.
And so truly, I'm excited for you to have that moment as you listen.
Now you'll hear another voice. You'll see another person on this episode.
Let me tell you who that is. That is our incredible senior good inside coach, Coach Jamie.
Jamie's been trained in the Good Inside Method.
She works in our membership. She is incredible and has a little bit of her own style, which is amazing because none of us have to do this parenting thing in the exact same way.
Jamie's gonna be the one asking me questions.
So without further ado, let's jump into it.
I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside. We'll be back right after this.
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Your future self will thank you. let me just do a little bit of an introduction, okay?
So first of all, our setting is a little different.
One of the things we love doing at Good Inside is just trying different ideas.
Often that come from you. So there were a bunch of you who were at some of my live events over the book tour.
And you said, oh, it was actually really fun.
We kind of see you on stage, you answer to the audience, there was something about that that felt less digital.
We all want it to feel kind of more, engaged and I was like, okay, why don't I just do a Q&A just like this?
And over here, if you do not already know, This is Jamie.
She is one of our most senior Good Inside trained parent To give you a little backstory, Jamie slid into my DMs. like maybe some of you did in 2020.
And it was right around the time that Kelly, I don't know if you know her, Yeah, we were just talking about, hey, good insight is not just about scripts and strategies, right?
Good insight is really an approach. There are foundations we can learn.
They help our kid grow. I think as adults, the same foundation help us return That's what we're really doing here.
And there are more clinicians and coaches who want to be trained.
So we created a training program. And Jamie was in the first cohort of six?
Yeah. Six. It's such an amazing lesson in that Jamie's like, wait, I want to do more of this than even what I'm doing.
Why don't I make my needs known? Needs known.
And here you are, working full-time at Good Inside, and we couldn't do what we're doing without you.
One thing I want you to know about Jamie and actually about all of our coaches, I actually want to know in chat, do you know that every single weekday.
Now I'm just going to be clear. That means Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. okay because i know these things are hard we have a live session with either Jamie or Julie or Kelly or Anna sometimes, right, with different highly trained, good inside coaches.
So if you've ever thought, oh, I just wish I could ask someone about this.
And so the rest of my week doesn't spiral into the oblivion that is kind of replaying bad moments in our head.
We have that for you. Humans, there's a small group, There's a human coach.
It's every single day. And the other thing we have that I just want to make sure you know about because it's important you to know all the resources at your fingertips. is kind of almost a different version of that that's also almost the opposite, which is our amazing Ask.
This is essentially as close as it gets to texting me or Jamie or Kelly or any of our coaches, oh, I wish I just could text you.
I'm so tired and parenting feels impossible right now.
What do I do when I get a call from the school and my kid hit another child and I know he's gonna lie about it to my face?
You can just vomit that to ask. You can even just do it as a voice note. and you get a response on the spot.
I want to make sure every single person here is using this.
I almost want you to promise me I will use ask today.
And I also want to make sure you know how to get to those sessions.
If you go to the community where it says community, and go to these three lines, and then all you have to do is go to upcoming events.
And I think your math will go like this.
What? And I think this will probably be the thing you tell friends about.
Do you know that in the Good Inside app, there's a coach session every day.
The value, the monetary, emotional, psychological value of that is just so beyond right, what 20 something dollars a month is.
It's huge and they're amazing. Okay. So on that note, we're going to jump in to your questions.
And I just want your mindset. For this to be, number one, everything we talk about today, Jamie and I do not do with our own children all the time.
Nope. Nope. I will leave today with a new idea.
It might even be my idea, but it's something I haven't done in a while with my own kids.
Number two, good insight is a journey, not a single moment.
I think a lot of us become because something's hard.
We want it fixed totally right there. To me, this is so much more about who you are becoming. not about what problem you are solving.
They both matter, but I want you to just picture that journey.
Because I think what Jamie and I see in you is something that, yes, is going to happen along a path and we want to be right there. with you.
So let's jump in. Amazing. Well, thank you everyone for being here today.
I am so excited about this new setup i am so honored to be today's moderator you guys had such incredible questions in the community We gathered the top five.
So I have five questions that I'm going to be asking Dr. Becky. but we will also be taking questions in the chat.
So please go ahead, put your questions in and we're going to get to as many of them as we can.
Okay, you ready? Yes. All right, so this is a foundations question.
And I'm going to read the question exactly from the member.
I get the whole idea that all feelings are okay. but not all behaviors it does make sense in theory but honestly i get stuck in the moment Like when my son is really angry and I say, you can't scream, you can't throw things, I'm left wondering,
All right, well then what do I do with all that anger?
I want to give him a better option, but I just don't know what to do and what that looks looks like?
How do I help him express it in a way that's actually okay and still feel like it works for him?
Oh, this is such a good question. Okay, so let's just start with the foundation.
This is totally new for all of us. This does not come pre-programmed.
The only thing pre-programmed in our body is the way our parents interacted with us.
So if this feels like a new language and feels confusing, it is.
Think about learning Mandarin. It would all kind of feel jumbled in your mind even though you were learning it on the go until a little bit ahead, things start to click together.
This is one of those things. Feelings are over here, behaviors are over here.
There's only one reason Feelings come out in behavior.
It's because we don't have the skill to manage the feeling.
Most of us learned, maybe even unconsciously, anger is bad.
Did you learn that? Yes. I know. I don't know if anyone said that to me.
No, I felt it. Right. I felt it. So why did we learn that?
Even though I don't think a lot of us even maybe had a parent who said, Anger is a bad emotion.
Well, what kids do is when they act out, often out of anger, Right?
Maybe Jamie said her kids couldn't watch TV tonight, or I said we have to have an early bedtime.
They're angry. which is fine. Anger is a feeling that tells you what you want and what you need.
That makes sense. My kid feels angry. but they don't have the skill yet to manage the anger, so it comes out as hitting or I hate you.
Then, often, a lot of us were raised with, go to your room, you can't talk to me like that, what's wrong with you, no dessert tonight, whatever it was.
Here's what a kid learns. They don't learn the complicated nuance.
Wait, I think my mom is saying, I hate you isn't okay.
Anger is, no, that is very sophisticated.
What a kid learns isn't, I shouldn't say I hate you.
They learn the feeling that led to that behavior was bad. so they learned the feeling was bad.
So even just saying to your kid, if you don't know what comes next, even just saying, I won't let you hit it is okay to feel angry.
Even if you say to your kid, whoa, There's another way you could say that to me and I get You're mad and that makes sense.
You are doing something revolutionary. you are helping them see that the anger is okay and the behavior is not.
Step two. When we say behavior isn't okay, that doesn't mean it changes right away.
Let's think about sports. Let's think about your kid who's not able to make a layup.
Or maybe they are able to make a layup, but in a couple games they miss every layup.
Now, you and I know if you're playing basketball, missing layups isn't okay.
It's not desired. But I could say to my kid, missing lamps when they're wide open isn't okay.
Still, my kid might miss layups. And I don't think I would then say to myself, Oh, the practice isn't working.
I think I would say the unfortunate reality is it's going to take more time.
It's just going to take more time, right?
So then I think step two is just knowing When I know my kid's behavior isn't okay, and I'm doing things to help them build the skills it's still going to take time for that practice to convert into better behavior.
Then the last thing I just wanna say on this is I find it very helpful to just use kind of the formula I won't let you blank.
You can blank. I won't let you hit me. You can hit the pillow.
I won't let you scream in my face for a couple minutes straight.
You can scream in this room. I'm going to go get a drink of water and I'm going to come back and we can figure this out.
So I just think that's a really concrete thing to think about.
I won't let you blank. and then giving them, you can blank. to let you say penis vagina over and over at our family dinner table.
It's just not what we do. You can say penis and vagina as many times as you want in the bathroom.
Go do that. Maybe I'll join you for the first two.
It's a little bit of fun to say penis and vagina over and over.
When I get it out of my system, I'll go back to the table, you can come back when it's out of your system and we'll resume eating at that point.
Amazing. Amazing. What an awesome way to kind of kick us off.
So when we think about foundations for me, the next thing that definitely comes up are triggers, right?
So, We had a parent who wrote in and said, when my kid is trying to get my attention for the 40th time in an hour, and I'm just trying to cook, to clean, to deal with a text, or maybe a random task,
All of my energy is going into not snapping.
I'm literally just trying to keep it together and not say something I'll regret.
But sometimes that means I go quiet or I'll ignore my child and I know that just makes it worse.
He'll just try even harder to get my attention.
How do I handle these moments when I'm losing it and without making my child feel like I'm shutting them down?
Such a beautiful reflection of what we want to do as a parent.
I want to kind of tell my kid I need a moment, but I feel like my only option is totally withdrawing or screaming at my kid's face.
Like there's no in between. Right. It feels like there's no in between.
Okay, so maybe first let's just talk about triggers, right?
I know you and I talk about this a lot. Triggers traditionally are the things that make us feel really shameful about ourselves.
And I feel it in that question. this parent is amazing and overcoming the shame by naming it and asking about it.
So kudos to that parent. Um, may we all be so brave.
And this can be the thing when we're up at night, we're like, what's wrong with me? like what's wrong with me right why do i just yell at my kid when they're just trying to get my attention I know I'm annoyed, but why do I turn into this monster?
I think a really powerful perspective, we have a good inside and I know you and I love like the triggers workshop, the reparenting workshop.
And just for everyone here, sometimes I hear myself say workshop.
I just want to say this. I'm like, I don't want to do that.
Sounds like work. Okay, I wish we could, and maybe we will rename it.
Any workshop is just like an amazing podcast.
You can, in our app, listen to it on the go.
Think of it as like, oh, I'm just going to listen to it eight minutes at a time on the way you know, my kid's soccer pickup, whatever it is, okay?
But triggers and reparenting, like you, I think we'll get 30 million more times out of being here. if you actually listen to those things.
I promise no shame, no blame, just It's kind of like a year of like seeing me one-on-one put into 75 minutes, like super efficient for the busy person.
Okay. Watch it over and over. You can watch it over and over because it's a new language.
And repetition isn't a sign we're failing.
Repetition is how you learn any new language.
Okay, so here's one of the main insights there, right?
Is that our triggers are our teachers. Our triggers are the best information we have about the areas inside us where we need to reflect and grow.
And I think you and I, we're very growth oriented, right?
I think every good inside member is someone who's saying, I want to grow.
I'm not just here. to fix a tantrum. I am actually here to become the parent, the person I always knew I could be.
And so in that way, this is gonna sound sick, but your triggers at the end of the night, like I want you to hear my voice being like amazing, And I'm not really saying like amazing job yelling at your kid, although I yelled at my kid that day, too.
I'm saying amazing job recognizing that there's this thing that's happening. that feels out of proportion because only after recognizing it can we work on it.
So let's reflect. My kid is interrupting me constantly.
Why does this trigger me? Well, I always think we can look a level deeper.
We have to understand why it triggers us to work on it.
Here's just one idea and it's not necessarily right.
When my kids interrupting me triggered me, part of what I had to reflect on is like, What is up with my kid that they feel like they have the right to get my attention all the time?
Do you know how many times I'm silent When I want to get someone's attention, who are they to think they can take up space and get their needs met? whenever they won.
And there is a gap. I think a lot of us almost sometimes feel like I don't even know what my needs are.
And then we have who's like, I know what my needs are, and I'm gonna let you know every single second, even if it's like, can you throw out the wrapper for me, and I'm like, you are literally the person next to the garbage can, right?
But I think just having a little humor about that, helps us cause like, okay, one of the reasons it triggers me might not just be cut because my kid's annoying, but because There's something in this that I am like dissociated from, have learned to shut down.
And so the first thing I would tell this parent is what is your experiment? or you can quasi interrupt someone.
And I have a feeling it'll feel like interrupting even when it's not, for example, I'm going to email the teacher and say, I don't know the time of the play next week.
It feels like interrupting. I'm just asking a question, but that's bold for me because usually I'd say, I don't know.
I'm just gonna wait. I'm sure they're gonna send an email.
I don't wanna annoy the administration. I bet the day you email the teacher to get your own need met, your kids interrupting will definitely still be annoying, but it won't be as triggering.
And the last thing I just want to say very concretely is the things that trigger us, if we talk about them in advance with our kids, It really takes some of the power out of it.
Hey, one of the things I want you to know is sometimes it's hard for me to stay calm when you're interrupting constantly, can you throw the wrapper away?
So two things. There are moments when I'm going to ask you, to be a little bit more patient.
Patience is annoying, and it's hard, and it kind of looks like doing this It's hard, but I can wait.
It's hard, but I can wait. And at the same time, if I ever go like this to you, that means I need a little bit of time.
And that is me trying to stay calm even when you knew me.
And then now that I've previewed it, I've even put in my head something I can do that's in between withdrawing and yelling.
It's simple. And it doesn't mean, the first time I do this, my kid's not like, oh my goodness, mom, that's your signal.
I'll just wait over here for eight minutes.
No. But again, we're talking about a journey.
We all want to get from here to here immediately.
And then we don't. We're like, this isn't working.
No. No one gets from not swimming to swimming overnight.
It takes years. I think we have to be even more patient with the journey we want to be on, which is being more calm and regulated.
And so each little step It's not the whole outcome.
It's not the whole thing but it really matters.
Wow. I will be trying that with my kids tonight, so I will report back.
Amazing. So now I wanna talk about bullying and a lot of people wrote in about this and I'm gonna share just one example.
My five-year-old came home from preschool and said another kid told him, you can't play with us, you're not good at running.
He looked so hurt and honestly, I didn't know what to say in the moment.
I feel awful for him. What's the best way to respond when someone, excuse me, when something like this happens?
How can I support both him and myself while helping him process it?
And then there was a second part of the question, Becky, which I think is really important. what do I do with the other parent?
I would really want to know if my kid said something like that. but I don't know the best way to handle it.
Do I send a text? Do I let it go? What would I even say if I reached out to the parent?
OK, so remind me of the second question if I miss it.
But first of all, let's just baseline. totally honest, what is your urge in the moment?
Like the most natural thing for you to do would be what?
If my kid came home and shared with me that they were being bullied, I would want to act quickly. are you kidding me?
Like, what are we gonna do? Like, I wanna call the parent.
This cannot happen. I want to shut it down.
Yeah. It doesn't feel good. Exactly, I think there's all these urges and maybe actually live here, So you can each write it down and share and just be like unfiltered.
OK, because part of me, if I'm really being honest, and just earmuffs for the children, I'd be like, what a shitty kid.
That's what I'd wanna say. Even though I'm Dr. Becky, I think all kids are good inside.
That should be like, The most natural thing.
I'm going to blame the kid. I'm going to call the parent. or I'm gonna come up with a fix, right?
I talk a big game. about sitting on the feelings bench, you know I talk a big game.
We want to act. If someone messes with your kid, you want to act.
You want to act. Yeah. Okay, and here's the reason why we don't want to.
While knowing... it's going to be really hard and we're still going to have the urge and we're like, oh, I did the thing.
At Good Inside, we're very long-term greedy.
We talk about that a lot. And I just love the vision of that.
I want for your kids. to be in a situation when they're 16, 28, 40, where something hard happens, and they are equipped for that moment.
Like, I really want that for your kids. I want that for your kids.
I want that for my kids because the stakes only get higher.
Number one, we could call this bullying.
We cannot call it bullying, right? But Zooming out, something happens where my kid is uncomfortable and there's a hard peer moment.
Hard peer moments and being uncomfortable in social situations and someone saying something that has the potential to make you feel bad about yourself, I don't know.
Like, I just feel like these are part of life and not because the world is so awful.
They just, it just happens. It doesn't go away.
That's like a part of, It just keeps happening as an adult.
It looks different as an adult, but we all experience it.
And I love that you said that it looks different as an adult, but the circuitry is the same and it feels the same, right?
And so These moments, like when I hear about these moments happening in a family, I do get like a little bit of this like, I hope every parent has this moment.
Like I wish for parents to have this moment.
Not because I wish bad things for their children, but because what an amazing opportunity we have.
If you're long-term greedy in your mindset, which again, nobody who starts at good insight is immediately like, sure, that's how I am.
But again, when we build that mindset, these moments happen and instead of thinking like, oh no, we're like, Oh yes, like I am built for this.
It's like the pilot who's ready for turbulence and then feels like a million bucks after because they know they handled it well.
And so this is one of those moments. Okay, so then what I think about first is just stay with your kid.
And I think about that literally emotionally, I know for me, I do have the urge to either run away, make it better, I'm running away from my kid emotionally, Go attack the other kid.
I'm moving away from my kid as the protagonist. to the other kid as the protagonist or like get up and call the school right away or the parent and again now I've literally like left my child alone on the bench or on the couch, wherever they are.
And so I just think that's powerful. Stay with my kid.
It's such a simple term. And it accomplishes so much.
And we all think in a rigid way, naturally.
So it's like, oh, so I shouldn't call the school.
I'm not even saying that. there are situations where we should call the school.
But as step one, my kid is saying, I had a difficult emotional experience and I just want you to hear and keep them back in your head.
Stay with my kid. And if you're like, but what does that sound like?
It might sound like nothing. It might sound like this. for the first five seconds.
I think one line that everyone knows I love, do you know what I'm gonna say?
I do. Okay, you do it then. I'm so glad you shared that with me.
Yes. Which is kind of like a verbal way of staying with my kid.
It also allows you as a parent to take a breath if you're unsure of what you want to say next.
Like anything that buys you time as a parent.
It's like I remember once my kid did ask me about like a really tricky thing they heard on the bus.
And I was with a friend getting our kids off the bus.
And I was like, that's a great question.
And you deserve a great answer. I'm going to get back to you.
And my friend was like, that was brilliant.
I was like, oh, I'm sorry. That is my by myself time.
Like, I'm glad that looked good. I was like, oh my goodness.
And then I did get back, right? But okay, stay with my kids, step one.
It's such a good line to just, it works for like your partner, for work, for anyone.
I'm so glad you shared that with me. I'm so glad you told me even sent by any version of that just says to your kid, This thing that felt overwhelming to you does not feel overwhelming to me.
Because if I instead go to call the school right away, what I'm kind of saying is this thing that feels overwhelming to you, also feels so overwhelming to me that I have to make it go away right away.
So scary. I don't think you can cope. I'm telling you, I can't cope.
We can't be in this moment together. Being in a moment together is 99% of coping.
Because when we're in hard moments with our kids, which doesn't mean literally being at the playground, right?
But when they share it, Our kid will encode their hard moment next to our body and support.
And I know one of the other things we say a lot of good inside is you can't change the hard, you can change the alone.
And the irony is the thing that makes the hard so hard is the alone.
Right. Right? So as soon as I'm just infusing my presence, I am doing something so deep in my child's body where the next time someone says you can't play with us or you're the worst kid at math, whatever it is, my kid will have kind of me next to them looking a little less scared of the moment. than they are, which changes the moment, even the next time.
It's like future-proofing your kid. Okay, so another future proofing thing.
I think one of the things we get wrong, and again, we all do it, I do it too, okay, about bullying. is that we have to teach our kid what to say back.
But again, if you think about a story, what I'm really doing is my kids saying, Bobby said something mean.
And I'm like, let's make Bobby the focus of the story. and the main character, and it's all about having a zinger back to Bobby.
Now, I love a zinger. You know me well. I really love a zinger, okay?
And there's a time and a place to teach our kids zingers.
But it's a very confusing message. So I feel bad and now the way I feel good is telling my bully something awful back to them.
Like all of a sudden my self-worth is defined by if I can hurt the other person.
It sends the wrong message. It's actually very fragile to that kid.
I think the powerful intervention here More than anything else is when our kids hear mean words about themselves is teaching your kid what to say to themselves.
It's huge. Huge. And you can even say this to your kid in kind of a fun way.
Hey, I'm going to teach you something that a lot of adults but you're a really smart kid, so I think you're gonna get it.
When you're in a situation where someone says something mean to you, most people, even people my age, my ancient dinosaur, Age.
Think that it's about what you say back to them.
It's not, which is also so relieving. Now as a kid, I'm not like good.
Well, I'm glad that in the moment I feel shitty about myself, I don't have to think of something smart to say, because that's kind of impossible anyway.
You can say, it's all about what you say to yourself, because honestly, if you think about it, you are feeling okay about yourself.
Bobby said this thing and it's like it got into you and it's like, let's think about how you can regain your self-worth.
And then you can teach your kid to say, I don't have to believe what other people say about me.
I know who I am. Or maybe your kid is a bad runner.
And there's something powerful in saying, I can be bad at running and still be a fun, awesome kid.
Again, your kid's not going to say to you, I needed that.
That is so profound. You've just taught me a life skill.
No, they're going to go like this in response.
It's weird. That's weird. Don't take the bait.
They can think it's weird. I promise you it's powerful.
And then the next part after that, is, is this a situation where I say something?
It may and it may not be. You know yourself, you know your family, There are so many situations, and it might be this, where I might say, I'm not going to escalate this.
Let me wait. I think waiting is an underutilized strategy.
Or it might be saying something, and if you do say something, It could be a text, it could be a call.
Again, I think a parent kind of can feel that out.
But I think the words can still be same team.
Hey, I want to let you know something that happened on the playground.
The truth is I only have my kid's side of the story.
There probably is more. but I know we both have good kids and I just thought you might want to know And I'm also totally open to hearing more about the situation as you discover it.
And so again, it's like me and a parent, we both wanna raise good kids.
We both want kids to get along. I'm gonna go in with that assumption. rather than going in with like, I've got to get back at this parent or I've got to make this parent or the other kid the enemy right away.
I love the generosity. And I can just say as a parent myself, I would be open to receiving a text like that. as opposed to a different text, which may not feel so good.
So I like that same team approach. And I like waiting, which is really hard sometimes.
Really hard. And I think going back to the waiting, this is just something I think about in general, waiting to send the text. waiting to discipline my kid.
Like I don't have to do all of my parenting in this moment.
I actually think waiting is an act of self-trust because what you're saying to yourself is, I trust myself as a parent more than I have to prove something to myself or to anyone in this moment.
And waiting really does build your self-trust and it might feel different the next day.
Your kid might be like, I had a great day with Bobby.
And you're like, oh. okay i have had that experience right yes yeah waiting is underutilized i love that There's always a moment, maybe two weeks into the school year where I stop and think, wait, Wasn't summer just five minutes ago?
Suddenly we're back in the rush of packing lunches, signing permission slips, struggling to find a pair of matching socks every morning, And that's why I've started looking ahead to fall breaks now.
Before the long weekend creeps up on me and feels less like a break, and more like being stuck at home for three days with three kids.
My go-to for a quick getaway, booking an Airbnb.
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Our almost six-year-old has started hitting us, mostly when we set limits around his baby sister, who is 11 months old.
It seems to get worse after she was born and he started kindergarten.
So a lot of big changes all at once. We're trying to help him through it, but the hitting is getting really hard to deal with.
I feel like at age six, this should no longer be happening.
It's so frustrating and I just want it to stop. any ideas on how to handle the hitting in a way that actually works.
Great question. And I just want to empathize with the like, is this still happening?
It's frustrating. My kids are learning. I have a teenager now.
Why is this still happening? The thing that helps me recover from that a little bit I don't know, as I just picture my husband being like, you're in your 40s.
Like, don't you know not to be on your phone before bed?
Hmm. I'd have some choice words. Yeah. Wouldn't feel so good.
Yeah, I'd never be like, you know what? That is true.
I appreciate that, that's useful. No, right?
I think the other thing I realize, and to me this makes it really concrete, is I picture a parent saying, like, my kid still doesn't know how to swim in their 10.
When will they learn how to swim? We just haven't learned yet.
I haven't learned. And I think we've been fed a false narrative that age brings skills.
Age never brings skills, right? It's what we do as we age.
Certainly as we age, we have more time to build skills.
That is true. When you turn 18, nobody gifts you swimming.
And when you turn six, nobody says, Now you know how to manage your frustration.
I know this can feel deflating, but to me, this is actually very empowering as a parent because now I'm not waiting for something to happen.
I find that very disempowering. Like I'm just like, hope everything changes or I'm going to put this in my six-year-old hand, when I learn, wait, as a parent, I'm a coach.
Nobody told me that. Good Inside Now is telling me that.
We will tell the world that if you help us spread because you can't have this movement without a lot of movement makers.
But if we are our kid's coach, we are actually their coach for the most important skill there is, emotion. regulation, which is your ability to regulate your emotions.
This is the trickiest skill because When our kid is in a pool, we can see they have strokes that relates to swimming.
This is like the really confusing thing.
I'm always trying to figure out a way to articulate this.
When our kids don't have emotion regulation skills, the way that shows is bad behavior.
It's like a mind game. Wait, the bad behavior isn't a sign of a behavior problem. it's a sign of a lack of emotion regulation skills problem.
So you have to like, have glasses that almost make you see.
There's the behavior. underneath is actually the skill.
It could be a mismatch. It's confusing. It does require more like cognitive work. because what you see isn't what you get.
Exactly. Right? Exactly. That's really like what it is.
Okay, so the behavior is hitting. We're in agreement with the parent.
No bueno, like not good. Not good, and it's okay to be frustrated.
I get it. I don't want hitting. You don't want hitting.
I think people might think I see my kid hitting.
And I'm like, so beautiful. Let it out. I love it.
No. No one wants their kid to hit. And at the same time, hitting is a very developmentally appropriate way of kids kind of saying, I have anger. or I have jealousy or I have frustration or, and this is important, and in our book,
That's My Truck, which is the good inside new children's book about hitting.
I think one of my favorite parts of that book, which actually would be really good, for this situation to read, because you can see it in a story, is showing the parent and the kid before the moment of hitting not only was there anger, but there probably was also worry.
There's always more vulnerable emotions, worry, sadness, confusion, they bubble up, they come out in a hit.
In general, when our kid has bad behavior, step one is saying, okay, can I have my good inside glasses on?
Can I even not know, because we don't know, can I wonder?
That's really important. I actually want people to write that down.
My kid has bad behavior. I'm not going to know what this is about.
Can I just wonder what it's about? Or can I wonder what was happening before?
Or can I wonder about the dynamics in our house that might be at play?
I have a baby who's 11 months. That is not true.
I do not. I'm just getting into the role play.
Okay. You do not miss any breaking news.
I have a baby who's 11 months. What might be happening then?
More movement. They're becoming more of a person.
I always think with an older kid, Every month you should have a little meeting with your older kid. where you're previewing the next stage.
What's it gonna be like when your sister starts being able to crawl?
What if you build that block tower and now instead of it being up, your sister like crawls over and knocks it down?
Oh, that would be so annoying. What is it going to be like when your sister's about to walk?
Because that's about to happen. Do you think everyone around us is going to be like, oh my goodness, Selena's walking. amazing and you're gonna be like I've been walking for years it's like a little annoying people care about that like just that can speak to the feeling of jealousy, of confusion, of not being special,
Speaking to a dynamic that might be happening, I think is one of our best strategies to reduce the behavior When the behavior again is just a sign that those feelings were too big to manage.
So that's step one. I think in general, any behavior in a calm moment, not in the moment, in a calm moment, can I speak to a dynamic? that might be happening.
So that comes to mind here. Step two, if I know my kid hits, and they're in a hitting stage.
We have to move from, why are they hitting?
When will they stop? to how can I get ahead of it and stop it before it happens?
Because as soon as my kid hits, it's like, Now they're hitting.
Now they feel like a bad kid. Now I'm frustrated.
It's like, oh, the whole thing happened, right? and this is gonna sound extreme, but if I said my kid has a problem running into the street of New York City, I can't imagine if I was saying to you, So Jamie, after he runs into the street, what should I do?
Like, what would you say to me? That's crazy.
You have to intervene much earlier than that.
You can't let him walk on his own. Right, like why are you letting him walk into the street?
And I'd be like, that is the question. Right, okay.
Why am I letting my kid get to the point where they're smacking me?
Now, there is more kung fu, like, ninja orientation than we need as a parent than people tell us in the hospital.
When my kids weren't hitting stage and I knew it was about to happen, like you should have seen me.
I was like talking to my kid. I was getting ready.
Because I wanted, when the hit came, to stop it.
Anytime we can stop it from connecting, we are helping our kid 10x. versus whatever we would do after.
And then you just move from we don't hit Stop hitting to, I'm not going to let you hit.
You're a good kid. This is a hard time. Let's figure out another way.
And so I would think about that. In general, can I speak to the dynamic?
Can I even just wonder about it? You can even say that to her.
I wonder if it's hard to have a sister. I wonder if it's hard to leave the house.
I wonder if it's hard to hold it all together during school and then it all comes out when I pick you up.
You don't have to be right, just wonder.
And then how can I get ahead of the behavior and try to stop it before it happens?
Awesome. So, so impactful. we have one more question from our community members and then we'll move into the live question portion.
Okay. So this is in regards to anxiety and lying, and it's a bit of an older kid, age 10.
So my 10 year old lies about small things, like saying she brushed her teeth when she clearly didn't, telling me she finished her homework when I know it's sitting in her backpack.
I get the sense she's trying to avoid getting in trouble, but when I try to talk to her about it, she gets super defensive or she'll shut down.
Then I end up feeling frustrated and kind of disrespected.
It's hard to stay calm. when it feels like, why can't you just tell me the truth about the simple stuff?
It also makes me really nervous for when she's older.
Like, if she's lying about brushing her teeth, what's she going to do at 17?
How can I respond in a way that actually helps her be more honest without turning it into a battle?
And this is such a good question for kids of every age.
So whether you have a two-year-old, a 10-year-old, 28-year-old, this is so relevant.
So OK, let's start with an adult example.
OK. You say to me, you know, you're my partner.
Like did you get toilet paper? You know, you said you were going to pick up toilet paper.
And I'm like, yeah, uh-huh. Need to run out.
Take a little walk around the block. Yeah, totally got it.
Okay. Why am I doing that, you think, in that moment?
Because you likely didn't get the toilet paper. and maybe you are scared to tell the truth.
Yeah. You know, I think often how we interpret our kids lying to us as a sign of how they feel about us.
Yeah. Can you say that again? Like when our kids lie to our face, I think the most natural interpretation is to think about that being a result of how our kid feels about us.
My kid doesn't respect me. Or even, my kid doesn't want to tell me the truth.
Okay, again, I think about if I lied to my husband, And then my husband goes, you definitely didn't get the toilet paper.
You don't respect me. I would just be like, that is like a creepy thing to say.
Because they're not related at all. Like what?
Why are you making this about respect? Like it just, that's global, right?
And like, just also more about you. I actually think when a kid lies, It really just tells us how they feel about themselves in that moment.
I think that's a huge shift. Thinking about lying as how they feel about us versus thinking about lying about how they feel about themselves.
I just want to like pause because if we all think about a lie that our kid has told us.
I brush my teeth. What if I'm really confronting, my kid just wishes they brushed their teeth. because they hate brushing their teeth.
And let's be honest, it's annoying. And like they just so wish they'd already gotten it done. that they don't want to face the truth in that moment.
It's such a good reframe. Right? Like it's how they feel about themselves.
That's number one. Now let's say... I was always late to work, okay, because then we'll get into how to handle it.
I was always late to work. and my boss came into my office, my manager, and they were like, you were late again today.
And I was like, no, I wasn't. You know, meanwhile, they watch me come in 15 minutes late.
Because that's what it's like. You're like, but I just looked at your homework and the math isn't done.
And they're like, no, it's done. And you're like, it feels crazy making, OK?
Now let's think about a couple of things my boss could say to me.
Because I think even our well-intentioned intervention, you'll hear it.
So I come in late. My boss is like, you've been late the whole week.
I'm like, no, I haven't. They watched me come in late.
And they're like, I just watched you come in late.
I really do feel like I'm just sinking deeper into my hole.
Right? Or they say, just tell me why you're being late and I'll help you.
I'm going to try something very different.
You know, I don't know if I ever told you this.
Like, There was like a month here even before he started.
I just like could not get to meetings on time.
I don't know if I ever told you that. Does that feel different?
I feel like my shoulders went down a little bit.
Right? Let's talk that out. Why? And I'm working through this in my head.
What feels so different about those two things, Even if my boss was like, just tell me why you're being late and we'll figure it out.
I feel more validated. I feel like you get it.
You see me. You understand the struggle. and it doesn't feel as direct to me.
I think that there's something, and we talk about this with deeply feeling kids a lot, right?
And in some ways, And I love everything we do for deeply feeling kids, but sometimes I worry we do like a little disservice that like parents of deeply feeling kids is like, that's the only thing that's going to help.
And parents who don't see all those dynamics are like, I don't need to kind of listen to that program to me.
Deeply feeling kids, that whole idea has so much to do with how we understand shame.
And one of the things when there's shame, is we just can't go in someone's front door.
Even saying, you're late, let's talk about it, is like, oh, it's very direct.
It's like you're late in the house and I'm trying to open your front door.
And there's just like a natural bristle response.
Tell me why you're being late. Again, you're like calling out that I'm late.
I can't deal with that right now. And they already know.
They already know. And so we talk a lot about with deeply feeling kids, this idea of side door strategies, right?
Which is like, okay, my kid is, late or my kid didn't do their homework, I need to find a side door to like enter their house.
And I think in a side door way, we go around the shame.
And there is nothing that's as effective in those moments as telling a story about yourself, because what you're doing is without saying it directly, because again, it would be too front door, To say, I've been late too.
It's just like, what you're saying is this thing that you're going through You're not the only one.
But saying that is too direct. You're not such a bad person after all.
Too direct. When I kind of say just through a story, through an arc, I've been there too.
But you have to do it through a story, not directly.
Shame goes down because what is shame? It's the fear of disconnection.
It's kind of the fear of this version of me is not connectable and lovable to other people.
And we only feel like that because we feel like we're the only one.
As soon as you hear, I was fired from my job, and you hear someone say, I was fired from my job, you're like, why do I feel better?
I actually don't wish firing on you, but now I just know I can't be so bad.
This isn't so unrecoverable because you've been there too.
So let's get back to the line. There's stuff we can do in the moment.
There's so many things we do outside the moment that make those moments less frequent.
In the moment when a kid's lying to your face, don't ask them a question.
Don't ask your kid a question that you know the answer to. did you do your math homework?
You're like, I already know you didn't do your math homework. a setup that you're catching your kid being bad.
First of all, you can avoid being lied to by just telling your kid, I see you didn't do your math homework.
All good. Let's figure it out. We'll get through this together.
You don't even get in the situation where you have to get out of a lie.
Now if there is a lie, one of the things you can just say in the moment is just, you know what?
One second. Something about this moment doesn't feel good.
Let's talk about it later. You actually have to pause when there's shame and give a little bit of time.
And then I think one of the most powerful things you can do for your kid in terms of a story.
Let's say it's about always lying about brushing your teeth.
In a calm moment, not even at night, I would just say, Do you know that I hated brushing my teeth as a kid?
Or it doesn't have to be even so direct.
Do you know? that I hated clearing the table as a kid.
And my parent would always say, did you clear the table?
Clear the table. And then they'd do this thing where they'd say, but your plate. is right there and I'd say, oh, that's not my plate.
Even if I was the only kid home, I would.
Why do you think I did that? And again, your kid isn't going to say to you, I think you did that because you felt ashamed.
And you didn't want to get caught in the lie.
And that's why I lie about tooth brushing.
No. You're going to say, why do you think I did that?
And your kid's going to say, I don't know, can I have pretzels?
Don't doubt the power of the question. and of that story to decrease lying in the future.
Beautiful. So, so helpful. Okay. We are going to take some live questions from the chat.
Thank you so much. And we are going to start right here.
And this one was very popular, Dr. Becky.
Okay, it's going back to the bullying. So what should you do when your kid is the bully?
Okay. So I almost said this when we were talking about bullying, and I only didn't because Jamie told me I've got to be like, I gotta get through questions and she knows my tendency to go on.
Okay. You have a lot to cover. Literally six, seven days ago, I got a text from one of my friends that was like, hey, and then told me something my son said to her daughter on the bus.
That was, I mean, it was a whole range of things that was really not nice.
I think number one, I actually haven't thought about this until just now.
What do we say when our kid is the bully?
What do we do when our kid is facing a bully?
Like that label. is so intense and it doesn't mean Bad stuff isn't happening.
But as soon, if I think about my kid, my kid is a bully.
I can tell you what I would have done. I just would have taken away everything in his room.
I would have made him sleep on the street.
I don't know. It's so triggering. It just assumes the worst in your kid.
And it's a very definitive label. Yeah. And it doesn't feel good.
Yeah, anytime you lock your kid into a label, even if it's a good one.
Yeah. a nice kid. Okay, well sometimes your kids should stand up for themselves and not worry about being nice.
My kid is the smart kid. Well, what a great way to make sure your kid doesn't take on challenges because now they have to always be right.
And so I just think, let's say, we don't have to make any kid a bully.
And I think people confuse, OK, so OK, Dr. Becky, you'd say it's a good kid having a hard time.
First of all, your kid could be playing with another kid who is a good kid having a hard time, and you could still help your kid not play with that kid.
Absolutely. You have to take on the responsibility and be like, now this is a good kid having a hard time.
No, this could be a good kid having a hard time. and my kid can learn to play with other children on the playground.
And I can say to myself, I don't have a bully.
That's not useful to me as a parent. And it's also... really locking my kid into an identity for the rest of their life.
So if you want your kid to be kinder, and to learn how to access generosity and patience, the first thing you should do is say, I'm not using that word.
Not only to them, I'm not using it with other parents.
I'm not using it with my partner. Why is my kid such a bully?
Nope, I'm not even locking myself into that.
Number two, and this is almost always number two after we have a mindset that's helpful, is we have to activate curiosity.
What? And it's actually interesting. It's just what we were saying before.
I need to wonder what was going on for my kid on the bus. that led him to say these things.
And again, we confuse something so often.
Being curious about bad behavior does not mean I am approving of bad behavior.
You're not condoning it by lending curiosity.
And I think this is actually arguably the hardest kind of unconscious thought to break.
And I do think we could think about against sports as helpful, like if my kid is always missing layups. after five years of always making layups.
And I just start saying, I wonder what's leading them to miss layups.
Is it their form? Is it honestly that they are so in their head?
Is it that they're just hitting it too hard off the backboard?
And if I was saying this to another parent and they said to me on the benches, so it's okay that Bobby's missing lamps.
Like, that's okay. You know, if you want Bobby to make lamps, you should just take away his dessert at night.
I'd be like, that's bananas. Just doesn't make sense.
It doesn't even make sense. I'd be like, you're just establishing yourself as someone I don't want to be friends with.
I'm glad we got to that now. Like that just is nonsensical.
So I actually want everyone to write this down.
Curiosity does not mean approval. Curiosity allows you to understand.
Understanding also does not mean approval.
In fact, the only way we can improve behavior is by understanding it because, again, behavior isn't the problem. it's a symptom of whatever the problem is.
And so again, because problems manifest as behavior, but problems are actually about emotions, we have to be curious and understand to get to the source.
It's kind of like, again, the leak in the ceiling is not our problem.
It's that the pipe is bursting. Right? We have to be curious.
So I was thinking, this is some work we have to do on our own. and everyone knows their kid the best.
So if I think about my kid where this really happened last week, First of all, this event happened on a day my daughter wasn't on the bus with him.
And I just know he's a little more contained.
They talk to each other. Okay, so what do I know about my kid, this kid?
He likes to be the center of attention. You know what kid I'm talking about.
He gets a lot of positive affirmation from people.
He's a leader. I picture him on the bus, and I think this happens a lot on the bus, and it is why so many kids hate sitting on the inside.
Yeah. They hate it because when you're on the inside or when you're on the bus, it's like, am I invisible?
Yeah. Does anyone notice me? Do I matter?
And if you have a kid who has gotten a lot of feedback that they matter and they're visible by being a larger than life presence, then their way of getting visibility and feeling importance on the bus might be. to escalate and say some mean things.
Why did you say that? Why are you saying that?
Now it doesn't feel good, but it's like, oh, here I am.
I have everyone's attention. Now what is the real issue here?
I can tell you. In this situation with my son, the real issue isn't just saying the words.
The real issue, long-term greediness, is my son has to learn that he is a good, valuable person. even when he's not the center of attention.
That might come out as a behavior, as mean words now, But that will play out in all types of other toxic ways when he's older.
And so everyone's is different. Again, for someone else, they might say, that is so not my kid.
Maybe my kid really prides himself on their athletic abilities.
So when they're told you're not the best soccer player in the grade, oh, OK, so actually the dynamic there that I can wonder about more big picture than this moment again is, oh, I have to work on helping my kid know that their soccer talent is a part of them and not all of them.
And then honestly, the interventions are going to look a little bit different. based on those wondering.
Again, I have to plug the ask because if you go to the ask or go to the parent session and say, okay, My kid bullied, but this is not a one size fits all approach.
Here's what I know about my kid. They pride themselves in their soccer skills.
They like to be the center of attention.
Okay, you can just say that and then the response is going to be tailored to your kid.
This is why it's not one thing. So for my kid, what did I do? the first thing I did was tell my kid.
I talked to, person's name, mom. I heard about what happened in the bus.
And this is a helpful phrase. I just want to say.
You're not in trouble. I'm on your team.
We are going to figure this out. You have to say that to your kid.
Why are they in trouble? They are giving you data about something long-term they need to work on.
Again, I'm not throwing my kid a party, but this is what I'm made for.
And if you feel like you're not made for that, that's why you're here.
And again, I hope you give yourself more time.
You are made for this as well. We just all have to learn the skills to get there.
My best parenting moment with my son was this first conversation and the things that have happened.
This is what we're built for, impact, long-term stuff, right?
So we talked about being without his sister.
He was even able to say to me, I can be a little out of control when she's not there, right?
And he even shared with me, which was amazing. more things he said than were even reported to me.
I said, OK, so here's what we're going to plan for.
We kind of visualize the bus. We even talked about how he He likes making football plays.
He loves that. The next day, I made sure to pack the football play book with this.
We talked about a kid on the bus. I said, does any kid on your bus look like this on the bus? just reading my little book, pretty quiet.
And he named the girl, okay? There was a girl on his bus.
And I said, okay, let's call that girl I don't know, Jamie.
I was like, we all have a Jamie in us. I bet she has you in her too.
So what would it look like? Show me with your body. to beat Jamie on the bus.
He's like, well, I guess I'd get out my football book.
I open it up. What would you have to say to yourself in that moment? to get over the fact that nobody's noticing you.
What could you know is gonna happen when you get home?
I know you're like, this is a lot of steps, but this is the stuff.
This is what a coach does. Why aren't you making the layup?
Let's figure it out. Let's think about what you're saying to yourself. let's think about first where to put it on the back port.
And then, does it mean the next day? He's never gonna say something, I don't know.
We also talked about repairing, but I think the key thing is I don't have a bully.
I can figure this out. And if I can't figure it out, that doesn't mean I should just do the thing that feels most natural. yell at my kid and punish him only reinforces he's a bad kid.
You all have invested in something that I hope you keep with you for your whole parenting journey, knowing I don't have to spiral.
There are so many things I can do. to actually make this my best parenting moment, not my worst.
Amazing. I am sure that is going to resonate with so many people.
And that really happened. I hope the parent who this happened with might be on this call now and she'd be like, this really did happen last week.
Becky and I texted about it.
You know that feeling when you're in the car, on your way to drop off, and you're just trying to get your kid to eat one bite of their breakfast? or when you're on the way home from school, wishing there was a volume dial to turn down the meltdown happening in the backseat.
The back to school season is a lot, and moments like this are tough.
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My daughter is six. She is a perfectionist and will speak negatively of herself if something doesn't come easily.
When I try to be encouraging and makes things worse, how can I help her?
Great. So this actually, again, touches on so many things we've talked about.
I love this idea. Blank is a part of me not all of me. right my desire to be the center of attention is a part of me not all of me My anger is a part of me, not all of me, even this.
My perfectionism. is a part of me, not all of me.
Perfectionism when it's a part, it can actually work for a lot of people.
I mean, sometimes one of my kids, I'm like, hello?
A little more perfectionism, a little, just a little.
You could do a little bit more in that homework.
You could try the bonus problem. You could look it over.
It's helpful when it's apart. What does it come from?
I want to work hard. I want to figure things out.
When does it become toxic? If I'm not perfect, I'm nobody.
If I can't get it right, I won't even try. but we have to zoom out and say again the problem isn't actually perfectionism It's that this part has taken up too much space.
The problem isn't the anger. I want my kid to be angry.
It's just that my kid is anger without skills.
So the anger has taken up all of it. This mindset, again, you're not pre-programmed with this.
Right? This is what we're all learning and practicing.
This mindset then almost would naturally lead into a slightly different intervention.
Our parts, our kids parts, our parts They like to be acknowledged for their usefulness before we help loosen them.
This is just true. Right? Even I'm in bed, I don't want to go to the gym.
If I say to myself, I appreciate that. Part of me is looking to get more rest and to give myself a break.
That's really helpful. Thank you. And I promised myself I'd get there and I know I can do it even as this other part of me tells me to stay in bed. beyond more effective.
And what's wrong with me? I'm so lazy. Because what you're kind of saying to that part of you who wants to rest is you don't matter.
Guess what? When you tell someone they don't matter, They get louder.
They're like, hello. It was like my son on the bus.
Hello, I matter. So I'm going to do something in an S escalated way.
So how does this come here? First thing I would say to your kid, if they have some type of perfectionistic part. is I would just say to them in a calm moment, not when they're doing their math homework or trying to draw a perfect rainbow.
You know what, I don't say to you enough.
There's this part of you, and seed that idea.
You're preloading it, even by saying there's a part of you.
You're kind of giving them this idea that it's a part of them, but not all of them.
There's this part of you that wants to get things exactly right.
And I know sometimes I say loosen up, but that's probably a little annoying.
And honestly, the part of you that wants to get things right and do things to their fullest, that's really cool.
That's really cool. You really care and you really believe in yourself and you believe in your ability to figure it out.
And I don't say this enough, I love that part of you.
I feel like... It just changes everything.
Changes everything. It's like every part of us needs acceptance before it shifts.
And same thing with your kids. Because then, first of all, your kids going to look at you like, that's a new thing to say.
And then you could say something different.
And you know what else is so interesting? that part of you that wants to get things exactly right.
It's amazing. Do you ever feel like sometimes it's like, It's a little on overdrive.
It's like, okay, now, instead of just wanting to get it right, it's like, If I don't get it right, I'm stupid.
Those are different, right? And you can use your hands or use paper.
It's like, I want to get it right. Amazing.
If I don't get it right, I'm stupid. Like, whoa, whoa, how did we get there?
That's kind of like me saying to you, I've never made chicken parm and I really want to do it and get it right.
And then it's true, the cheese is like a little more overcooked.
Oh, I'm the worst cook in the world. I should never have done it.
I think you'd say to me, whoa, it's your first time, or whoa, you're still learning, or whoa, this is still better than not making it.
It's so interesting. And then I think we have to do something that's hard.
Wait. That is your intervention for the day.
You're not then gonna say, and then do this, and then do this, and then do this.
Just giving your kid a different framework to understand themselves. is the intervention.
And I think I see that at Good Insight all the time.
People who do our sleep program always tell me, I felt better in the first eight minutes.
Same thing, definitely, the DFK program.
Why? Nothing changed because you have a different way of understanding something and that brings such relief.
Amazing. I think we have time for one more question, Dr. Becky.
I think we can do it, okay? And then I'm going to make sure everyone at the end, I'm going to give you something to do that's going to consolidate things for you.
So please stay till then. Deep down, there's a quiet, sometimes loud voice that tells me I'm not a good parent. that i'm messing up my kids not doing enough what can i say to myself in that moment any advice I mean, this might be surprising, but I have that thought too.
Me too. Yeah, of course. Yeah, like if you don't have that thought, I don't know, you might be a liar.
Might just be a liar. I don't know. Like we all have that thought.
And I honestly think like what I said about the perfectionism thing.
Yeah. I don't know if you like, I think about that same framework.
We actually don't have to say to ourselves, that's not true.
We don't have to like fight that thought.
By the way, I think we often do the opposite is we just like make that thought.
The truth. All of us. Let's think right now.
I want everyone to come up with a name. Okay?
And this is the name for the part of you that tells yourself you're a bad parent, you're a monster, you're not cut out for this.
Like, it could be any name and it should kind of make you laugh, okay?
I'm gonna use the name Heather. What about you?
I'm going to use something my kids taught me, which is Bertha.
Bertha. Amazing. I'm going to use Bertha just because it's better.
Okay, so that's Bertha. And what you can do when you make it a name, and this is so powerful. is you can use this phrase, hi Bertha, or Bertha, there you go again.
Or Bertha. kind of getting a little repetitive.
You always say the same things. Like I could have predicted that.
There's a couple things that are happening beyond levity, which matters so much.
As soon as you give it a name, you are making Bertha part of you and not all of you.
Because I know my name's not Bertha. Is your name Bertha?
Okay, I don't think so. So now there's Jamie and there's Bertha.
Now there's Becky and there's Heather, okay?
This This framework changes it. The only reason those thoughts spiral us for an entire week is because the thought becomes us.
As soon as a thought is part of us, not all of us, we have the framework and the grounding to shift.
So making it a name immediately tricks your brain. into knowing it's a part of you.
So I want you to actually Even write down, what is the name?
Should we all use Bertha? What if everyone at Good Inside, like it becomes code, okay?
Right. And if your real name is Bertha, just let us know.
We'll change it, okay? Okay. If it is Bertha, and I want you to practice saying to yourself just the two words, hi Bertha, just that.
Hi Bertha. And Bertha isn't an enemy. Bertha probably comes from a perfection part of us where She had to learn.
If I don't do it perfectly, I'm awful. If I don't get it right all the time, I've messed everything up.
The most cycle breaking thing we do is repair and see that one moment doesn't define us.
But that's a Becky thought, and that's a Jamie thought.
That is not a Bertha thought. Bertha is in the dark ages still where she thinks I have to get it right all the time and that's how I become a perfect parent.
Jamie knows, and Becky knows, and all of you, your real name, you know.
Being a good inside parent is more about repair than anything else.
So we almost Half the mess up? Almost. Look forward to the mess up.
Oh, now I get to do. most powerful parenting strategy of all.
But Bertha isn't going to like it. Bertha is going to say, All those things, right?
So step one, hi Bertha, I knew you were going to say this.
Hi Bertha, there you go again. And you can say something else.
So beautiful and amazing, just like the perfectionism.
I know you're trying to help me. You learned. that you had to be perfect to be loved.
You learned you had to be perfect to be good enough.
I might never change. that thought in you.
And I know as Becky, that I'm practicing something new.
I think just zooming out from this, We think our loudest thought is our truest thought.
Our loudest thought is only our most practiced thought.
And we've practiced for years telling ourselves we had to be perfect to be enough.
So it's going to feel loud and convincing.
Hi Bertha, you would say something like that.
I could have anticipated it. Bertha, I know you come from a good place.
You learned you had to be perfect to be enough.
I am doing something different. and then three, this visual helps, I'm going to ask you to just step back.
Because if I think about Bertha, she's a part of me.
She was adaptive at a point. She gets to stay on my shelf, but being What's like foreground?
Is that the foreground? Is that the background?
I hope so. I don't know. Let's say it's the, I don't know.
Being behind me as something I look at is different than becoming me.
And again, I think this is actually ending where we began.
You are become. humming and this is really almost complicated but true i really think every member of good inside over time, not in an instant, is becoming more and more like themselves.
I really do think we help kids grow and we help parents return So beautiful.
Return. That's what we're doing here. People on the outside might think this is about tantrums and sleep, and maybe that brought you here, but I promise you you're gonna get something so much more important. you're gonna become more and more like that truest part of yourself.
And I think getting into our relationship with the Bertha in us is actually how we do that and how we stop her from becoming the whole thing.
Well, thank you everyone. It has been like, Absolutely amazing.
I'm so, so glad you all showed up today.
Becky, I'm going to let you close us out.
Yes, we have to do something. Yes. So in the chat right now.
I want you to click the link that goes to the community.
Here's why. We talked about so many things.
And whenever we have a meeting here or I think about, something complicated in my life, and there's so many things, I like to pause and just say to myself, what is kind of the loudest thing right now or what is the thing that's going to stick with me?
Now, you might have something stick with you that's not something Jamie or I said.
It might be something you associated to.
That's fine. All I want you to do is write down that kind of loudest, most on your mind thought.
And I don't want you to put it into the Zoom because I want to read it and I don't get to read the Zoom chat because when I read those things and I read every It really helps me understand what's really on your mind and what's resonating.
I think members here don't understand how much you shape everything we do next.
Your ideas, I wish the app was more like this, this isn't working, this, you get to be a co-creator. of what we're doing here.
I really mean that. All of my best ideas don't come from me.
They come from you. So please write that. please go back, you can go and respond to someone else.
The power of community here is massive and when you're in the community, go to upcoming events, I want to see RSVPs for Ask a Parent Coach like skyrocket.
We have two every day. I want them filled up for the next week.
If you can't end up making it, don't worry.
Put it on your calendar. Reschedule it. It's fine.
Take up space, take advantage. And what happens in those sessions is incredible.
So on that note, I want to kind of end with some energy.
Okay, I used to end with like a grounding and I love grounding.
But sometimes I think we don't give ourselves enough hype.
Okay, we have to like, this is like a hype moment.
How are we hyping up? Okay, I just wanna, I'm just gonna be your cheerleader for a second, okay?
And yours too. We just spent time reflecting and learning and committing to something, and I'm just gonna say this, that probably won't show up as evidence of our success until weeks, months from now.
That is what it means to be a human. That is what it means to get out of this instant gratification world that only makes us more miserable to say, I am becoming something.
I am on a path. The path is swervy. The path does not go from one moment to immediate success. but I trust this path and really I trust myself.
That's amazing. That is amazing because also you're building self-worth and self-trust from what it feels like on the inside to be in a process, not just by something on the outside that's happening in the moment I will tell you that is everything and you are on that path and And I want you to give yourself credit and I want you to write something down right now or tell yourself something hyperbolic.
I am pretty freaking amazing. I am the best.
I am doing it. I am here. I'm surrounded by other people.
This is it. It doesn't get better than this, except for the next time you come back.
So you are incredible. You are exactly the type of people who give me So much confidence and hope that we really are moving these ideas around the world and changing the next generation, as we become more and more like ourselves.
So please spread the word. Please come back.
Please give us feedback. Please talk. Please take up space.
So honored to be on this path with you and with Jamie.
I hope you heard a couple things that really hit home today.
And I really hope you had a moment of, oh.
I wouldn't have thought to ask that question, but honestly, that is just so helpful and empowering and confidence building to now.
If you liked this episode and our podcast in general, please do take a moment to rate and review it.
That really means so much much and if you want to learn more about membership and what's inside please just check out the link in show notes or go to goodinside.com.
It's all there for you. Let's end the way we always do.
Let's put our feet on the ground. Place a hand on your heart.
And let's remind ourselves, even as we struggle on the outside, We remain good inside.
I'll see you soon. Thank you to our sponsors, Airbnb, Chomps, and Mommy's Bliss for sponsoring this episode.
