Hi, Esther.
The context of my question is that around 10 years ago, my business partner and I established a company together.
That company has grown and been successful across most of that last decade during which both of my brothers have joined and been promoted into leadership positions.
Around three years ago, my relationship with my business partner deteriorated.
We both had some personal issues which impacted our professional relationship.
So I decided to take a step back.
I've taken a non-executive role.
I've explored some other really, really exciting opportunities.
So, whilst I retain a directorship and a shareholding, I'm no longer involved in the day-to-day running of the business.
That arrangement worked really well.
We had some teething problems, but the first year was pretty successful.
But during the second year, the company has unfortunately started to fail.
I believe we've had a good strategy, but the implementation has been poor and the relationships between my brothers and my business partner have also broken down at times.
We're in a position now where we hope to sell, but we may well have to close the business and make the team redundant.
And that's a process I'm really struggling with.
Some of that's about old stories and myself.
So I feel very, very responsible for my family, for my team, for my clients, for my business partner.
I feel ashamed that I haven't done my job well enough to keep the business thriving and successful.
But I'm also struggling a lot with a lot of sadness and some feelings of anger, because I feel like I've placed trust in people who I care about very deeply.
And I'm struggling with the fact that the business is now in the position it's in due to decisions and actions that they have taken.
So my real question is how can I best reframe my thinking to set up our relationships for the best, whatever the business outcome?
My family, because I love and care about them very deeply, and my business partner, because we'll continue to know each other in a professional context.
Thank you.
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Yeah, the thing I thought as soon as I sent that voice note off and I thought oh, I've ended by saying I love my brother so much and my business partner is this guy I'm gonna have to see forever, which doesn't do justice to our relationship.
The fact that it's broken down now is really sad for me.
I don't necessarily think it's recoverable, but he's still someone I really care about.
So There is that professional side of things, but there's definitely also a sort of personal sadness about that relationship.
I think since I sent the voice note there's been one more call between the four of us, which was quite a difficult call.
It's probably the most sort of visibly angry I've ever been about the situation.
Yeah.
And possibly just even thinking about it in the context of our conversation has kind of helped me engage a little bit with my emotions around it.
Other than that, the situation remains as it was.
We can focus on you because you have a lot of feelings and a lot of thoughts about what has happened.
And that of course implies your relationship with each of these people.
I think it's a good place to start, maybe because I will understand also your role with your co-founder, with your brothers, with the family.
I seem to have understood that there is something that you bring to the company that mirrors a kind of role that you have had in the family.
There's a kind of a superposition between the role at home and the role at work.
So can we start there?
Does that sound good?
Sounds great.
Okay.
Yeah, absolutely.
So I'm going to listen a little bit and just take in the story.
Of course.
So I'm the middle child and I'm the only girl with two brothers.
Everything was very happy, I think, sort of very happy childhood, all of those kinds of things.
Fantastic parents.
I love my brothers.
I also really like my brothers.
I would say we are.
As people.
As people.
Yeah, as people.
I would be friends with them if I met them tomorrow.
Are they friends with each other?
Almost all the time, apart from work.
I think it's really the only thing that's got in the way.
Certainly for the last 20 years has been work.
Since we all became grown-ups, we've all been good friends with each other in every combination.
They are quite different people in some ways.
In other ways they've got probably similarities which maybe at work without me.
In that dynamic they found themselves clashing in ways that, when we all worked together, weren't such an issue.
But you feel a sense of responsibility.
Completely, yes.
Tell me more.
Fundamentally, I think...
I think maybe it's on two levels.
I think at work, essentially the buck stops with me.
I believe that.
I'm a director of the company.
I'm an owner of the company.
Fundamentally, what is my job if it's not to make sure the company is successful?
If the buck doesn't stop with me, what is the point?
So I think that feels very, very true and that feels still true regardless of the fact that I've taken that operational step back.
The difficulty now is I have far less control than I used to have.
I don't feel less responsible, but there's feels like far less I can do about anything.
And is that hard?
Is that a question that you have?
The question being, should I go back to a more hands-on role so that I can have what you call?
Control is basically the resources, the means to actually execute on my responsibility.
Absolutely not.
I would.
I would not for my own sanity.
I would not go back over the last maybe three to four months.
I have been doing a little bit more because it was necessary, but I would not go back on a day to day basis.
I love my work life outside of this particular issue exactly as it is.
So you have a combination of I'm actually really fulfilled and excited by my new job or new career or new venture, but I need to find a way to leave and to maybe close or sell in such a way that my new excitement doesn't screw up a bunch of other people.
Exactly that, and I think that's practical because I want to do the work that needs to be done with the company that we're talking about on a very practical level.
But also emotionally, I feel so conflicted that 90 of my life is we're setting up a new company, we're doing this new thing, we have these new clients and that's so exciting.
And then I look back and I see you, my brothers and the team of the other company having a pretty awful time.
And I just, bringing the two together feels brutal.
So I find myself not talking about certain things and not kind of sharing the good times and the excitement with them, because it doesn't feel appropriate.
But then, yeah, it feels like a huge conflict.
Conflict or betrayal?
Betrayal.
Yeah, that's a good word.
You seem to say I feel like I'm betraying them by having such a good time somewhere else while their ship is sinking.
Yes, exactly that.
But at the same time I'm pissed at them that the ship is sinking because it shouldn't be sinking, because we were doing really well.
And basically, They mismanaged?
They took bad decisions or they're not as good as me or what is it?
Yeah, I'm angry and I can't say that to them because I know they are working so hard and have never not worked hard.
But I'm really annoyed because I feel like I sat there and we meet monthly as a board which I sit on.
And I sat there month after month saying, guys, look at the numbers.
We have a problem.
We have a problem.
We have a problem.
And I heard month after month, next month will be fine.
It's short, it's temporary, it's short term, it's short term.
So I feel like it is not that none of us saw this coming.
We talked about it, and I allowed myself to be put off, and put off, and put off until we find ourselves where we're at now.
I even...
Before our most recent set of meetings, I went back and I read or listened to all of the notes from all of the meetings for the last year because I thought am I going mad?
Did I not say any of these things?
Is this genuinely a surprise to them?
And it's just there and it's infuriating.
And how did they react when you reminded them?
Throughout the process, they would say, oh, sure, but that was last month.
This month is different.
Now we've reached the point where we're at, where it's undeniable where we are.
I think there's a huge emotional understanding they all have of it.
I think they get it.
But it's difficult because what does getting it practically do?
I suppose we all feel probably like we don't have time to process the emotional impact of it because we're so busy trying to bail water out of the ship that we just have to.
But it may not be that you let them kind of deflect.
It may also be that while you saw the problem growing, you thought I don't want to have to jump in to fix it.
Yes, that's probably true.
I really did not want to jump in to fix it.
So you let them say what they said, even though you noticed, even though you pointed at it, even though you told them.
But then in order for them to recognize it would have meant for you to become more involved again.
And is there a story about why you stepped out?
There is.
There's two sides to it.
So one is there were other really exciting things happening and offers I was getting to go and set up other things.
And I was really excited about those, and they weren't things that could be combined successfully with the role that I was previously doing.
So that door was definitely open at a point when I was actually probably a bit bored of the sort of work that that company does.
So it was a good moment for me to look at those.
There is on the sort of more negative side of the piece.
There is the fact that yeah, my relationship with my business partner had, having been a really strong business relationship and I would say a really strong friendship, had started to break down.
Essentially, it wasn't a good relationship for either of us.
That was about three years ago.
Why um, I mean, why does a relationship that is so good and strong for seven years suddenly decline?
Or Yeah, I think so.
It's all personal things, really.
So I went through a divorce and he went through a very major breakup at almost exactly the same time.
So whilst when basically, we'd been able to previously compensate for each other, I think if someone had a crisis or a personal issue, the other could step in.
At that time, neither of us really could.
And we probably both felt that And then from my perspective, I'm sure he would want to say similar.
But from my perspective I felt some of his behavior during that period towards me was just unacceptable.
He would call me for two or three hours a day not very sober tell me everything that was wrong with the world and with me and um, that's fine for a while, but it went on for months and I started to find that really, really difficult and sort of an imposition on on my life.
Really, it was really tough and our relationship, we afterwards we weren't really able to talk about it and I don't think the relationship recovered really.
Have you tried since?
I mean, are you polite?
Are you just... Yeah, we're polite.
I think we meet in person and we're friendly.
I think ever since he's gone through that experience, I experience him as quite a different person.
He'll do things like if we're having a meeting online and the tone goes in a way he doesn't like or the topic turns to something he doesn't like, he will just leave the meeting and not talk to any of us for the rest of the day.
For example.
So it's quite difficult to engage on difficult topics.
We're a fully remote workplace as well.
So we don't go and sit in the office together.
So we've tried, we've gone out for drinks together and we are friendly and professional when we meet in person.
But starting that conversation has proved really difficult.
And what would he say if I asked him what led to the deterioration of your relationship, of this friendship, of this partnership?
I think he would acknowledge the bad behavior.
He doesn't typically have a problem saying, yes, I behaved badly.
I just think he'd doesn't necessarily feel particularly guilty or like he needs to change when he behaves badly.
I think he would acknowledge that.
I think he would say and he would be 99 right he would say you know, she got tempted off by the new shiny thing.
She was bored of the work that we were doing together.
She just left us and I left over the course of a year.
I didn't walk out suddenly, but you know, I think he would say that she got bored, she got tempted, she left.
It's fine.
So that's the main reason she left.
She didn't leave because our relationship deteriorated.
I think he would understand it that way, yeah.
And there's truth to it.
There is absolutely truth to it.
I would say it's about 50-50, personally.
So, if I hear you well, there's something in your request that is, how do I do what I want and not feel guilty about the effect that what my wanting has on others?
Yeah.
Yeah, that's pretty accurate.
Right?
I mean, company nevertheless.
But basically, if the company went well, then you would feel less guilty.
And you would just say I went to do what I care about now, but I left them in a good situation and they're thriving, and so on.
You know, I don't feel that bad because they're doing well.
But now that this is not happening so smoothly, I sit with this duality that I want to do what I want, and that's not new.
And I want to be liked.
Yeah.
Yes, I like being liked.
Yes, of course.
So do I, by the way.
It's not such an unusual thing.
But it's very difficult to want to do what you want on a regular basis and to still hope that people will continue to like you.
You know, usually it's like two different realities may need to coexist.
You may want to do what you want to do and other people are entitled to their reactions.
You're entitled to do that and so are they.
And those two things can coexist.
That makes sense.
I think I felt absolutely...
Like I say, we had some teething problems but they were normal, I think, for the scale of transition that we were making in that first year.
But until the business started to have its current problems, I felt no guilt because I thought this is a win win, win.
You know, I get to do what I want to do.
And everyone else gets to run the company how they want to run the company.
We're set up.
We're successful.
Yeah.
It's a small company.
It's always scrappy.
It's always risk taking.
But fundamentally, we're set up for success.
We have a track record of success.
I felt no guilt at all.
And now I feel really guilty because I get to keep doing what I want to do and they don't.
We have to take a brief break, so stay with us and let's see where this goes.
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So since I don't think this is the first time you have this conflict in life, I would say how have you dealt with it at other times?
What have been ways that you have been able to integrate this tension?
Yeah.
My ex-husband didn't want to.
I did.
And I never joined this equivalence before at all, but it makes complete sense.
And essentially I was like, well, you can't stay married without me.
So so off I go.
And your ex-husband had similar thoughts and feelings as your co-founder?
Even though totally different reality?
I think my ex-husband was just really confused.
Blindsided.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
And likewise, I think, would acknowledge that there were ways in which he behaved badly, but would say fundamentally, he went off to find something new, didn't you?
Yes, you were bored and you went to the next shiny thing.
Yeah, exactly the same.
Yeah um, so how did i, i suppose?
How did i navigate that?
Firstly, the next shiny thing is really good, so you can lose yourself in that.
That's probably not the not the healthiest mechanism in the world, but but fundamentally, going off to do that new shiny things are great, but otherwise, I suppose I sort of looked at it as a again it's a slightly dramatic way to put it, but it's like you're sort of like born alone and you die alone.
And fundamentally, sometimes you have to make the decisions that are right for you, and you cannot carry everyone else's weight.
Did you feel bad for hurting him?
Yes.
Yes, of course.
I felt horrible.
It's okay.
You know, those two can coexist too.
I am going to leave.
I've made up my mind.
I don't want to be here.
And I feel really bad about hurting you, leaving you. in some sense betraying you.
And again, I hope you will be well, because if you are well it lessens the guilt, the burden, the responsibility.
But it's an important thing to be able to Continue to have empathy and awareness of the reactions that people have about your decisions while at the same time, making your decisions.
What sometimes happens is that, in the name of wanting to do what we want, we cut ourselves off of how it affects others, so that we can maintain our oomph.
So we can stay the course and proceed with the decision.
As if we actually looked to the side for a moment and saw what effect it has on others.
We won't have the guts or the strength or the confidence to actually pull through with it.
Yeah, I can completely see it.
I'm quite good at once the decision's made.
As in both cases.
So when my husband and I broke up and with the business now about thinking about going back into that to that day to day, I can just tell that both are just an absolute no for me.
I think because I don't get sort of tempted back to revisit my decision and that kind of thing.
I hope I am able to sort of look those other emotions in the face and go OK, I'm going to do this anyway, but I still have all of this, this awareness.
I have to be so careful in this position because this is my whole family.
If I don't get this right, it's my whole family.
So that's the stakes this time.
Yeah.
Is that you can't have a leaving that basically has these people exit your life.
This leaving is a partial leaving and your brothers stay in your life.
Your co-founder is maybe a different story.
So what's the conversation between you and your brothers?
I think there was a real breaking point, turning point, rather about three months ago, something like that, where I think we'd always spoken in terms of you know, how can we save the business?
What can we do to change things in a way we'd sort of never really allowed for the idea of failure?
We'd not really discussed it.
And we were able to have a meeting between the four of us, as I say, about three months ago, where we just said look, this is the position that we're in.
Heading into a catastrophe, which is unplanned.
We have to plan for it.
That was a really good conversation.
Who led it?
I did the pivot because I essentially said, look, I can't do this.
If we can't look this truth in the face, I can't have this conversation anymore.
And once we turned that corner, everyone engaged fantastically in that conversation.
But this is what you said.
And where were they?
One of my brothers had found it really, really difficult to consider the possibility previously.
I will just fall off a cliff.
I cannot be in the mindset for that.
So I just can't look at it.
That's where he was.
And then my other brother, who's maybe I don't know a little bit more of a sort of he likes.
He likes to look a problem in the face as a guard against it.
He takes that approach.
So maybe he's considered a bit more negative about it.
And I think he found it sort of easier transition to go through.
So they came from two quite different places.
But I think we're now more aligned than we have been for a year, between the three of us at least.
It's interesting that when you have kind of a family business, you name the people by their family ties.
My brothers, my brother one, my brother two.
If you were not a family business, you would be saying my operation person, my finance person, my marketing person.
They would be identified by their role, not just by their family tie.
Yeah.
Would that change it for you?
Yes, because I think if I used that language I would find it easier, probably both inwardly and outwardly, to hold them to account in a professional way.
Whereas probably what I've done is not held them to account professionally sufficiently in that way and therefore we find ourselves in a worse position than we would have been.
But I think by by keeping it too personal, I probably haven't done the best professional job I could do.
You have known that, or this is new insight.
I tend to agree with you.
I've thought before that I should have done a better job around accountability.
It's one of the things that I feel embarrassed about, ashamed about.
I've never linked it to the the language before.
That's a really new insight for me and that makes total sense.
I mean, the language defines, emphasizes the relationship and we have a different relational expectation and business.
Actually, we have a different business expectation because of the nature of the relationship and if you constantly emphasize the family tie and the loyalty and the middle child and the desire to have your brother stay in good terms with you, there's a good chance that that will influence expectations around accountability.
I definitely, I think I would, two sentences.
So if I say, oh, my brother's working really hard.
They're just not performing the role so well at the moment.
For example, I find it very easy to let them off the hook.
Whereas I would never in one of my other companies, I would never say oh, my marketing director is working really hard.
So even though it's not working, it's OK.
I would I would never say that.
That sounds crazy to me.
But I would absolutely and have done it the other way around.
The intention is good and the work is hard, but the quality is not there sometimes.
Makes no sense without the familial tie.
I mean, this is not set so that you can take a hammer and start banging on yourself.
Don't turn insight into instant criticism.
No, I understand that.
That is a tendency I definitely have.
I will try not to.
It's hard to sit with.
It's like, whoa, you know, because that's not what I would have done.
But it's very good food for thought.
And it's a lot of good information for the future.
Because I'm assuming you're trying to think how they could continue with you in the next venture.
Definitely not the next one.
But you feel like you need to help them find the next place to land?
I feel absolutely I would continue to have professional relationships with them and work with them.
Definitely.
I don't want to work in the same way again, because right now the stakes feel so high.
In a way, I recognize as extremely patronizing.
I think oh, it's my responsibility to make sure that they both land on their feet and get the right jobs.
Right.
Why?
Because the more you tell me that it implies and that's a subtle thing that you actually don't think they're capable.
And therefore you need to boost them in one way or another, or lessen your expectations or not.
Demand the same level of accountability.
And now I need to understand that.
A, you don't really, and I don't know if it's a day or one more than the other, or it's a package deal.
Is there a message you were given that you need to I don't think so.
That you're not allowed to succeed beyond them by yourself and that this has to be a triad?
No, definitely not.
I think I was at a younger age, the most academically successful one.
One of my brothers is now definitely in advance of me on that, but sort of age for age equivalents, and that was celebrated by everyone, including them, which was fantastic.
I think I try to get to the bottom of it and I think it's difficult for me because I know it's.
You know, I just said you know it feels really patronizing when I look in the face.
I think I don't.
They're both adult men who are incredibly capable competent clever, hardworking human beings.
They do not need me to solve their problems.
They absolutely don't.
Do you really believe that?
Because the patronizing part of you doesn't believe that, right?
I think it probably doesn't predate working together I think working together in this business.
When I set the business up, I'd been working in this sector for a while.
They were both new to both the sector and to sort of startup life and all of those things.
And I'd done all of those things.
And so I think when they first joined, we probably ended up in this position of Not I know everything, but I know more than you.
I know more about the sector.
I know more about the company.
I know more about how to do this.
And therefore, you know, it's my job to be that sort of guide.
And then.
We've had that period where actually, no, it's fantastic.
And they've both got specialisms I have no idea about.
And I love that.
But I probably just have never left behind that whole like hey, you know newbies, I want to make sure you have a fantastic experience here.
And you grow and you learn all that you want to.
And that's my job. which maybe seven years ago, it was my job.
It's not my job now.
And they don't need me to do it.
They really don't.
I think it's that probably.
It probably doesn't predate our professional lives.
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Glamour, romance, scandal, Downton Abbey returns for one final unforgettable event.
It's 1930 and as a new era begins, the future of Downton is at stake.
Lady Mary is thrust into public scandal and shocking revelations shake the family to its core.
This isn't just a movie, it's a moment.
The time has come to say goodbye and everything has led to this.
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Are the parents involved in this story?
They are probably to the extent that they're very good whenever any of us talk to them about work.
The others never hear what they say.
So they're pretty good sort of secret keepers.
They're not gossipy, which is perfect.
And I find it currently very difficult to speak with them about the situation, not because I don't trust them, but because it feels too difficult to.
It feels like I would end up.
Blaming, or being very embarrassed, or But difficult means.
I worry that I would either be blaming my brothers or blaming myself.
Yeah, exactly.
It's either anger or shame.
Yeah.
Yeah, I find it very difficult to talk about this entire situation without one of those things.
Unless I'm in complete professional, let's get things done mode.
I have no middle ground right now.
I get it.
And you came to me for the underground.
Yes.
Not for the middle ground.
Exactly.
Because you see, what happens is you have a particular situation, and all these reactions and feelings and behaviors come up.
But then, when you look at them, you begin to notice how they reflect similar behaviors in completely different situations.
It's like you get a bit of a Rorschach of your coping strategies, of your style of dealing with these kind of situations.
Something I try to do where I depend on other people.
I typically am not somebody who so easily depends on other people.
I go out myself.
And if it doesn't work, then I'm stuck between what they did wrong versus what I did wrong, or vice versa.
I did wrong and I blame myself.
Suddenly it gets decontextualized and it becomes highly personalized and it's no longer about startup world and this and that.
It's about them, mostly my brothers and my co-founder or me.
One of us sunk the ship.
Yeah.
And it's not about responsibility as much as about blame.
It feels like that now.
But that is not the only time you've done it this way.
When you come with such a set structure.
Usually I think you know this is part of your own relationship resume.
This form has already existed in other situations as well.
It also accompanies people who live with a very strong sense of responsibility and personalize.
If it goes well, it's me.
But if it doesn't go well, it's also me.
There are other people when it goes well, it's me.
And when it doesn't go well, it's others, you know.
Yeah.
So...
We can do the same as you did with the divorce.
What do you recognize?
Indeed, somebody must be at fault.
And I vacillate back and forth.
Sometimes I think it's me and what I didn't do and how.
And then I went back to listen just to make sure that I really had warned them.
The signs are out there.
The company is not performing well.
But part of me feels that if I had really taken this seriously, I should have gone back to fix it.
But I didn't want to.
And so I saw them and they didn't do it either.
And here we are.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I really didn't want to.
I am very clear on that.
I...
But it's a very important piece because that really didn't really want to.
It's like I rang the alarm, but I didn't ring it that intensely because I knew that if I really followed the thread it will land with, I have to step back in here because there's something I know that can actually fix this, or so I think.
But I didn't want to do it.
So I thought, let them do it.
But part of me knew they can't do it.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think a lot of what you've just said really, really resonates.
The piece about helping.
No, I like to help people.
I don't like to get help.
I like to be independent.
I like all of those things.
And for me, it's part of the same story.
I suppose It sounds really self-aggrandizing, but I look back and I think there are very few things that I couldn't make right.
But if I tried hard enough and I brought my energy to bear, there are few things.
And yeah, I might be about to have the first one, but you know sort of few major failures that I've gone through.
And realistically, my sense is it's probably cumulative.
So I've gone.
OK, we had this issue and I've been able to fix that through practice, working insanely hard or whatever.
And we've had this issue and I've been able to solve this and this issue, and I've been able to solve this.
And probably what I have ended up with is an enormously swollen head about the kind of problems that are personally solvable by me.
And Actually life was always going to run me up against something which wasn't personally solvable by me.
In our case, market conditions have changed and those external factors are true.
They're absolutely true.
There came a point during a previous meeting where I just said look, I don't want to hear about the market again.
What a stupid thing to say.
On reflection, of course, we have to think about the market.
But I'm trying to think, where does it come from?
Kind of like, what's the oldest story I can think of?
Or not that old.
Shall I give you a clue?
Please.
I have no idea if it's a good one, but it's the one that popped into my head.
I think I could fix this problem, but I don't want to.
And so I get mad at you for not being capable to do so.
And you not being able to do so then puts me in a position where I feel guilty bad, that I am not doing something that I know I could do, because I don't want to.
And so I enter into a tension between what I should and what I want.
Why can't you do the thing that I don't want to do?
If you did it, I would be fine.
But if you don't, then the wanting gets into conflict with the should.
And an apology to him.
Yeah, no, indeed.
I think it's a... And tell it to me, if you can, with insight and not with a bat.
You're harsh.
You're hard on yourself, which is part of what prevents you from thinking sometimes.
Yeah.
And from having the awareness and the insight, because when you do it so instantly morphs into criticism and a bat that you just don't want to do it.
You don't want to continue the thought.
So I know something just clicked.
Let's just explore it together.
I probably realized that I didn't want to be married really early um to him, to him, to him.
And once I got through a period of what is really early, by the way, within the first year okay, it's not uncommon so after I'd sort of works up the courage to look that in the face, which I'm very glad I did on on the note of of not being too harsh with myself, I think that was it was I did it quite quickly, it felt quite brave.
But then I had that something really resonated in what you said of that kind of if only you could do this, then I could realise that I do want to be married and then all of our problems will be solved that you aren't aware exist yet.
You know, if only you could be this or you could do this or you could...
What kind of this?
Give me a couple of examples.
There was some stuff around his drinking, for example, which I didn't love but was realistically well within the kind of you know sort of realms of toleration.
There were just, and again quite early, just things that annoyed me, just sort of bits of snobbishness and pomposity which realistically, we'd been together for years by then.
I should have worked it out earlier or I felt like I should have worked it out earlier.
So I felt very guilty about sort of setting these.
You know he must have been really confused because suddenly things that he'd been doing for years I could not live with anymore.
And I would say, you know, just, you know, if you could just do this.
And I would feel awful about asking because I knew it was unreasonable and I knew it was absolutely about me and not about him.
I'd changed completely.
He hadn't changed.
But I was speaking.
Yeah.
But I was speaking, right?
Everything became source of irritation.
Exactly.
Because fundamentally I wanted out and I'd had the bravery to look that in the face and I hadn't had the bravery to do it.
And...
Again, trying to be kind to myself.
I also think part of that was about compassion and thinking, no, I have to try.
I think at the same time I was picking, I was also trying to do better and to be better.
And we went to one session of marriage counseling and the therapist said in the session she was like there is basically no point you being here because you do not want to be in this marriage.
She was more professional about it than that.
But fundamentally, she said, look.
There's not much of a conversation to have here.
And that was the penny sort of clicked for me.
I thought, you know what, that's true.
And it's actually not kind of me to keep doing this.
This is not a good life for him.
This is not a good life for me.
I'm not being kind here.
We just have to move on, which we did very quickly after that.
So the conversation that I imagine needs to happen with your brothers is not about the company and not about the market.
It's a conversation about the family ties.
And it may be with both of them at the same time.
Or if you don't call them as brothers, then you probably won't have them one-on-one.
Yeah.
If they were named by their role, you wouldn't bundle them.
Yeah.
But in this instance, it is a family tie conversation as much as a company conversation.
But the company conversation you have, it's really the family tie.
I realize this is challenging for you.
What have you been thinking?
Where do you see yourself go from here?
Is there something about our relationship that is affected by the company changes?
Either we sell or we need to close.
And it's a relationship conversation.
As we've been speaking now I've just realised I don't think I've ever said to them explicitly what I said in my very first question in the voice note to you, which is just I want to come out of this, as we'll always love each other.
I want to come out of this as good friends as we are now.
And that's not to say... that there won't be emotional responses.
Of course there will.
I appreciate it might be a really bumpy time but fundamentally my biggest priority is to come out of this with these relationships intact, from all of us being able to do that.
And I think I've never said that that explicitly to them.
It feels like maybe a start.
Yes, yes, very much so.
Do you think they even think that?
They know that?
Or they think you're selfish?
I hope they know that.
I think that may coexist with thinking I'm selfish.
And that's fine.
But I hope they know it.
So this is, you have a great place to start.
You have a great place to start.
You matter to me dearly.
Companies come and go.
You are my brothers for life, and we're going to go through a difficult transition.
What do we need to do as brothers and sisters for us to come through this?
So it's not just an I, it's a we.
How do we stay together?
We maintain our bond.
We each have our own feelings about what we're going through.
We don't have to be in unison.
This is not a choir.
But at the same time, we have a unified goal, which is to maintain, do we have this unified goal?
It's definitely mine.
And what do we need for that?
What do each of us need?
Because you may have needs from them too.
It's not just them from you.
I'm sorry, you may have to actually ask for something.
Don't make me.
No, I just did.
No, I love that as a question.
I love that as an introduction.
That doesn't feel like...
It's not scary.
That feels easy.
Yes, it's not scary.
It's exactly, and the fact that you instantly connected it to the voice question is perfect.
It's the dots that needed to be connected because you're not going to talk about failure.
You're going to talk about the persistence and the perseverance of the bond that exists between the three of you.
That's the most important piece.
It's the most important thing.
And then potentially what they each will do or how they see themselves, you know, go from here, and the fact that it's not just a failure either.
All three.
Yeah.
Is that a good place for you to pick up?
Yeah, that's a great place.
That's a great next step.
Thank you so, so much.
Your pleasure.
Bye-bye.
Thanks.
Bye-bye.
This was an Esther calling a one-time intervention phone call recorded remotely from two points somewhere in the world.
If you have a question you'd like to explore with Esther, it could be answered in a 40 or 50 minute phone call.
Send her a voice message and Esther might just call you.
Send your question to producer at estherperel.com. where should we begin with Esther Perel is produced by Magnificent Noise we're part of the Vox Media Podcast Network in partnership with New York Magazine and The Cut our production staff includes Eric Newsom Destry Sibley Sabrina Farhi Kristen Muller and Julian Atten.
Original music and additional production by Paul Schneider.
And the executive producers of Where Should We Begin are Esther Perel and Jesse Baker.
We'd also like to thank Courtney Hamilton, Mary Alice Miller, and Jack Saul.
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