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Hey weirdos, I'm Ash. And I'm Elena. And this is Mini Morbid.
It's so tiny. It's the smallest. It's very little.
Mini, mini, mini, mini, mini morbid. Mini morbid, mini morbid, mini morbid.
Probably not, though, because it's Elena's mini, and like you know how she does it.
You know how I do. And like you know... And like you know...
Did I sound like a Kardashian? Oh, I'll see myself out. uh yes today is a mini morbid so we don't have any business because it's a mini morbid So we just cut to the chase here.
1, 2, 3, go. Alright, so tonight's mini-morbid is a tale of survival.
Oh, she lives! I love Tales of Survival.
Oh, he lives. We have room for all. Now, this was on an I Survived episode, but I did not watch the I Survived episode because... credited exactly so i'm not going to credit it because i did not watch it so i didn't get any of this information from that episode so before you go type it on your keyboard Yelling at me.
I got my information from a ton of articles and also some interviews with the woman in question so just saying So I'm going to start off with talking about a 911 call.
Oh, I'm stressed. So here's how the 911 call went.
Does it start with, Hello 911, what's your emergency?
No, it starts with, um, welcome to Wendy's, what can we do for you?
I had like a four for four. That's what you could do for me.
So the collar. begins we have an intruder in the house next door the intruder was in the bedroom with a hammer the woman who lives there thinks she may have strangled him he was down when she left Thinks she may have strangled him?
Oh, yeah. She's not sure? Oh, yeah. So the 911 operator says, can you put her on the phone?
The caller says, she's bleeding. 911 says, does she need an ambulance?
The caller says no, she's a nurse. She says call an ambulance for the guy.
He may be dead. Bad bitch alert. And the 911 dispatcher says, what did she use on him?
She strangled him. What else did she do?
And the caller says she put a chokehold on him.
911 says, I've got help on the way. Stay on the line.
And the caller says, she has a hammer here.
911 says, don't touch it, don't touch it, just leave it there.
So the caller says, she hit him in the head several times.
That's the hammer he had with him. She struck him and she strangled him and she thinks he's dead.
Super casual way to start your night. This call came from Portland, Oregon on September 6, 2006.
So let's take ourselves to Portland, Oregon on September 6, 2006.
All right. Tell me what was going down. We're going to go there.
So 51 year old Susan Kuhnhausen was returning home from her job as a nurse in the ER room of Providence Hospital.
Okay. So she's an ER nurse. Bad bitch. Yeah, she's already like this badass bitch because you can't just be any regular bitch working at an ER. er no you're a badass you're a badass bitch a bab so she's on her way home long shift she's tired She's a little pampering.
So she stops at the perfect look hair salon to get her hair did.
Hell yeah, girl. Get your blowout. That's right.
And while she's there, the stylist said that Susan told her she was thinking about getting a new hair color because she was going through kind of a tough divorce.
Oh, girl. Yeah. which that's what you do as like somebody who has yeah you would recommend under the sun yes amen sis amen Now that we know that Susan is an ER nurse, she's going through a tough divorce, let's kind of go back really quickly to her childhood so we can kind of Bring you up to speed of where she is.
Paint the pic of Sue. Let's just paint this picture.
So Susan's childhood was definitely not abusive or anything like that by all accounts, but it wasn't super calm.
And it wasn't one where you would really learn what a happy, healthy marriage was.
Retweet Susan. bringing my childhood trauma into every episode yes you're welcome brought to you by me brought to you by neglect I'm out.
Oh, that was wicked funny. Just kidding.
Are you though? I'm not. Just to be clear.
Mom, are you listening? We don't have the same mom, just so you know.
Elena's mom is great. She is. She's my grandma.
We're not sisters. Ash's mom. not so great 10 out of 10 don't recommend Okay.
Woo. So Susan's father was an Air Force cook and her mom was a stay-at-home mom.
They separated when she was in second grade.
Okay. So pretty early on. Now... Life was not bad when she was a child.
It was just kind of chaotic and not stable.
Mm-hmm. Because, again, they're a military family, so they're moving a lot.
Now, I'm not saying military families are chaotic and unstable.
That's not what I'm saying. But this particular one. this particular one just happened to be when she was a child they moved they moved from Colorado to Arizona, Arizona to California, California to Nevada.
Like they were just everywhere. potato potato you know they're constantly you know shuffling through different schools and new friends and having to start over a lot and then they're going between their parents and so it was just a lot of movement yeah and she said susan herself said quote My parents loved me, but they couldn't teach me to have a successful marriage any more than they could teach me how to fly.
I love that, which I love. So when she got out of high school, that's when she became a licensed practical nurse.
And then she quickly became a registered nurse.
She moved to Oregon in the early 80s and later went to Portland.
She began in Coos Bay. Ooh. Coos Bay? Coos Bay.
I think it's Coos Bay. Somebody from Oregon will let me know.
So she started out in Coos Bay, later went to Portland.
It was in 1988 that... her romantic life took a turn.
Her mother and her friend This is so 80s, I feel.
I'm excited. Paid for a personal ad for Susan. like my romance has gotten to that point where like i'm waiting for you to put out a personal i'm gonna pay for a personal actually don't i feel like that's not safe absolutely don't do that They took one out in the Willamette Week paper.
I was like, is that supposed to mean something to me?
It's a certain week. And what it said was, quote, someone different.
SWF, which is single white female. Yeah.
33. Overweight, but not over life. Which I'm like, yes, Susan.
Same, Susan, same. Overweight, but not over life.
Yes. Susan's the best. Seeks SM single male.
Joker. Who wants more out of a relationship than just, quote, slender. yes go susan the baddest bitch i just love her already but she didn't did she write that no no but it's but i'm sure they like consulted her they better have imagine if they were like overweight but not over life and she was like bitch what well and Susan was known to have like a great sense she has a great sense of humor because she's still alive guys just so you know I keep saying was like she's not here But Susan has a great sense of humor.
She's very vivacious, very outgoing. I want to watch this episode of I Survived.
Yeah, she's a badass. And one of the replies they got was from a guy named Mike.
Mike, what's up? It said, quote, My name is Mike.
I'm a 39-year-old... DWM? DWM. Which I meant to look that up and see what that meant.
Dude with money. That's what I would hope for.
He wasn't. oh so dick without money yes that's probably exactly what that meant Thank you.
I'm going to Google it right now. I enjoy things in nature from wandering in the ape caves at Mount St.
Helens to walking on the beach at sunset.
So it's like, I like long walks on the beach.
Divorced white male. Divorced white male.
All right. We see. We see. All right. Well, this divorced white male named Mike who likes long walks on the beach.
This dick without money. This was Mike Kuhnhausen.
Okay. Later, she becomes Susan Kuhnhausen.
So you get the picture. So spoiler alert, they get married.
Murdered. Now, she first spoke to him by phone on January 30, 1988.
So Mike grew up in Portland. He was adopted as a newborn in 1948.
And he told Susan that he had seen combat in Vietnam, but she says she doesn't think that was true.
Because the records in the military actually show that he was a switchboard operator.
Why do people lie about things? So he was already bullshitting.
Like, shut up. Just tell the truth. Just don't lie about it, man.
You were in the military. Be proud of that.
Right. That's enough to be proud of. Yeah, exactly.
Shut up with your lies. Just shut up Mike.
Ugh. Jesus. So they talked on the phone a ton, and Susan said he had a nice voice.
I was impressed he wanted to talk about the deeper things. okay because you know that's rare it sure fucking is so for their first date it was in february 1988
They met at the Crystal Springs Rhododendron Garden, and it was next to Reed College, and they fed ducks.
And fed squirrels unsalted peanuts. That's really pure.
Isn't that so wholesome? It's the purest.
So pure. Unfortunately, it wasn't so fast.
So within a year, they went to Reno, Nevada and got hitched.
But almost immediately after, things just turned.
Oh, come on. It wasn't romantic feeding ducks anymore.
It was like him burping and... down like guzzling diet coke and chain smoking and being all up on her business And she was like, now I see why you were a DWM.
Exactly, a dick without money. And a divorced white man.
So Susan herself says it wasn't very long after we got married that there was no more hiking, no more getting out.
Oh, so she was like, yeah, that shit sucks.
That must suck when you marry somebody and they turn into a completely different person.
It's like he pretended to be one person and then... Because you're locked into that shit.
Yeah. I mean, I'm going to trick someone into marrying me someday, but there you go, fellas.
I love hiking. Love it. Let's go. So within a few years of the wedding, Mike got a new job.
A good one? It was as a janitorial supervisor for Oregon Entertainment.
Okay. Which was the parent company of Fantasy Adult Video.
Okay. I mean, a paycheck. Soon it became pretty clear that Mike was not exactly... forthcoming in the beginning with how, like, just how much of a bummer he can be.
Because she said... She said, quote, his life philosophy was life is a shit sandwich and every day you take another bite until you die.
What? life is a shit to which I say huzzah Don't live like that, guys, if at all possible.
Like that's a real bummer way to live. I can't stop laughing. so he just sucked like he just was like everything sucks can you imagine saying that to someone that you've loved Wow, like hearing your husband say that, you'd be like, oh, this is going to be a long life.
A very long shit-eating life. Wow, I thought that was so funny.
You did. Ash is literally crying right now.
Yeah, no, that would be really sad if somebody was serious about that.
Yeah, she's like, that's a bummer. So Mike quickly became like a real pain in the ass.
He was constantly hounding Susan about her plans when she went out.
Oh, why? Yeah, and it wasn't like, hey, where are you going?
What was it like? It was like obsessive, like controlling kind of thing.
Yeah, Mike, I'm going out. See you never.
Bye, Mike. Bye. You're divorced again. He also monitored her spending very closely and complained even when she made the most minor purchases.
Which is no good. I'd be like, I have a job and I make money too, so... Like, she's a fucking ER nurse.
She makes... she makes her money the money i make yeah thank you and good she earns her money and so it wasn't There was just no teamwork.
It seems like it was just kind of like judgment and controlling behavior.
And he kind of wasn't like, you know, he's just... being a dick he's shitty how long were they married for well 17 years into their marriage what's the actual fuck Susan finally had enough.
That marriage sounds like a shit sandwich.
It really does. And she even said if she tried to kiss him, he'd burp.
Ew, what a fucking loser. So he was just being gross and disgusting.
Are we going to get yelled at by frat boys now?
Oh, probably. so he and she said quote i cared about him but i didn't want to live with him anymore i wanted to be happy again Oh, Sue.
Yeah, she didn't want to keep taking bites of this shit sandwich until they both died.
Imagine if you went to kiss John and he burped.
I'd be like, go light yourself on fire. I would be like, what?
Is wrong with you. Yeah, I'd be pissed. Like, that's so gross.
That's why I'm single. So in September of 2005, she finally was like, Listen, you gotta move out.
We gotta separate. Get out of here. So he moved into his father's home, but...
One important thing is Susan never changed the locks or the alarm code.
Oh gosh. Girl, I'm not victim shaming, but like change your locks.
I know. But you would never think. that I mean he by all accounts he didn't seem like he was violent mostly so it's like I don't think you would think my ex-husband is going to do something terrible if I don't change the locks.
I think we only think that way because we're like...
I would totally think that, but I think normal people would probably not even register.
No, definitely wouldn't. And their alarm code was 1210, which was their anniversary.
Wow, that's horrifyingly sad. So the night of her attack...
Susan spent about an hour at the hair salon, the perfect little hair salon.
Okay. Then she left. She felt real good.
She felt real pampered. I bet she did. You know. and she drove to her blue one-story cape house in the montevilla neighborhood of southeast portland She got home at approximately 6.37pm.
She went into the mudroom at the back of the house and she found a note by the microwave from Mike. okay and it said quote sue haven't been sleeping had to get away went to the beach And he added that he would see her on Friday or Saturday.
And he wrote, love me. Wait, why? Because they were in the process of separating, but it was like... So they were still seeing each other sometimes?
Yeah, I think it was like they were just in the process.
Okay. So she unlocked the door to the kitchen.
And at this point, she was still wearing her blue ER scrubs because she was just coming home from work in the hair salon.
And she hears the beeping of her security alarm.
So she disarmed it, walked into the house, and then went back outside.
And, like, looked through the mail. Like, just was not even.
Just got home things. Yeah, like, things you're not even.
And, again, she disarmed the alarm. Like, everything was normal.
Yeah. suddenly no she walks back into the house with her mail places it down and suddenly from behind the bedroom door The figure of a man appears.
Goodbye. And immediately attacks her. Oh my god. which to me is the scariest thing i could ever imagine walking into my house and a man just walks out of a room oh my god oh my god i'm yeah like i'm i'm like bone chills right now So later it was determined that this man, who was a complete stranger to Susan, was 59-year-old Ed Haffey.
Okay. He stood five foot nine inches, weighed 190 pounds. he attacked Susan he was wearing dockers a blue striped shirt and a tan baseball hat that was pulled way down low like over his eyes He was a big dude.
Yeah. Not tall wise, but like beef wise.
Yeah, he was beefy. And he had long, straggly, like grayish hair. that matched an equally long, unkempt gray beard.
Oh, I'm scared. So he was a scary looking guy.
Yeah. And his hair was in a ponytail tucked into the cap that day.
And he also wore yellow rubber gloves on his hands. what like kitchen sink gloves yeah and one of his hands held a red and black claw hammer a fucking claw hammer yep Remember the other day I told you I was going to claw hammer you if you didn't sit down?
That's true, you did. Wow. Yeah. Keeping on the theme this week.
Look at that, I'm pulling it right around.
Now, as soon as she saw him, she screamed, who are you?
What do you want? And she screamed it as loudly as she could.
Yeah. But he didn't answer. He just kept advancing on it.
Oh, my God. Now, Susan, who was five feet four inches...
Again, like we said, was an emergency room nurse for nearly 30 years she'd been a nurse.
So she had seen some shit, as most anyone who is a nurse, and particularly one who works in an ER of a hospital, knows.
It isn't a passive job by any stretch of the imagination. tiniest most unassuming nurses can probably kick your ass six ways to sunday easily and susan throughout all her time at that job I mean, she had had to disarm injured men, women, anything.
I mean, she's cracked people's chests open to perform heart massages.
She administered IVs to patients that are thrashing and fighting back.
She's dealt with people going through drug withdrawal.
She's... dealt with it all so it's like she has dealt with craziness and just chaos and So she and all the other nurses at this particular hospital also trained regularly in self-defense.
Hell yeah. So they knew how to slip out of headlocks because that shit's going to happen and all that good stuff.
So before Susan could even comprehend what was happening.
This dude was swinging the claw hammer wildly at her.
Oh, my God. And he was running forward. Yeah.
So he managed to quickly connect the claw hammer into her head and face.
Oh my god, no! But somehow, probably because she is literally Superwoman...
She was able to start fighting him off after getting hit in the head and face with a claw hammer.
So the first blow that he landed on her was in her left temple, which like just gives me a headache.
We all both just instantly started rubbing our temples.
We were like, oh. And this... Now, this is such... What she does next is such an amazingly impressive move to me because...
It's something that a lot of us probably would not immediately assume to do in this situation.
When he came at her, she crowded him. Okay.
So she went closer to him. She ran towards him.
Right. Because she said she knew that the swings of the claw hammer would have less force if she was close to him.
Oh, like if she stayed far away, he had more momentum to hit her with.
But if he was she was crowding him, he would have to like kind of like pick at her.
Right. Wow, what a smart-ass lady. Yeah, that's so against your natural instinct of running the fuck... the other way i just feel like i really hope heaven's real i would just be running but she was clear-headed enough even after getting slammed in the head with a claw hammer to do this oh my god It just blows my mind.
So she also ends up biting him. Yes. And this was intentional and not just a desperate attempt to keep him at bay.
She said, quote, if I died, I wanted it to be known that I fought to live.
Hell yeah. And I was like, Susan. Bad bitch.
Yes, Susan. Now, once she bit him, they both fell to the floor and she immediately tried to disarm him.
She tried to get that caught in her. Yeah.
So they're literally fighting over the claw hammer and he got her up against a wall.
And then he said, quote, you're strong. Yeah, I am.
Get out of my house. And she was like, for some reason that just made me so angry because I was like, he's here to kill me.
She was like, he's not trying to rob me.
He's not trying to rape me. He's here to kill me. like this it just made all of a sudden and he was like she was like i just all of a sudden was like i don't know who this dude is but i know what his intention is like he wants to kill me kill or be killed yeah so he was he was struggle busing with her because even with a claw hammer to the head and face she was not even a little like back and down or weakened So she managed to wrestle the hammer from him.
And she swung it three times, maybe four, she said, into his skull.
Hell yeah. With the claw end. Because you have to.
And he snatched the hammer back. So she grabbed his throat.
And she just fucking squeezed his throat and screamed, who sent you here?
And she said he wouldn't answer. And then his face started turning red, then purple, then darker purple with a blue tinge.
And she said that's when she freaked out and let go.
Yeah. And she said then she tried to run because she was like, holy shit.
Like... I got to get out of here. Because honestly, even in this situation, it's like killing someone is a big deal.
Yeah, you don't want to kill anybody. And she's sitting there squeezing his throat, watching him die.
And she was like, fuck. And she's a nurse.
Yeah, like her... purpose in life is to save lives you know what i mean and she's sitting there having this yeah So she tries to run out of there and he ended up catching her as she ran from her bedroom into the hallway.
Oh my God, come on, dude. He was hit too that many times?
Yeah, like in the head too. What is in the air?
I know, what is happening? A lot of adrenaline.
What water are you guys drinking? A lot of adrenaline.
So he spun her around again and he punched her in the face.
Oh, get out of here, you rude man. Split her lip.
You rude man. Fuck. I just lost all things to Colin.
Get out of here. You rude man. That's what I would say if I was attacked, so that's good.
I would too. Yeah, there you go. No, I wouldn't.
So he punches her. He splits her lip. He punches her again.
That's when she falls to the floor. No get up.
And she said quote he was standing over me with the hammer.
No. I looked at the floor and I thought I'm going to die today.
No. Can you even fathom that? Can't. That you're laying on the floor looking up at this scraggly ass dude. in a fucking baseball, a tan baseball cap.
What's that? And he's wearing yellow rubber fucking dishwasher gloves.
Why is he wearing dishwasher gloves? And he's sitting there with a claw hammer in his hand and you're sitting there going like, not only am I going to die today... this is how I'm going to die today.
Like I, I can't even wrap my brain around that.
No, I want to know. No, I just couldn't do it.
And so she says to this day, she has no idea how she did it.
What'd she do? But she managed to pull him to the floor too.
Yeah. And she said, quote, I gotta get the hammer, she told herself.
So she said she immediately started biting this motherfucker again. good and she said this time she bit him because she wanted to tie herself to him so that if he did kill her they would be able to catch him through her bite marks oh my god she was fucking ted bundying that shit she was like she was I watched the Ted Bundy trial.
I know what dental records can do. But Ted did it unintentionally.
Exactly. she did it but she was like i know that this can be a fucking smoking gun so i'm gonna do this So she ended up binding his arm, his flank, and his thigh.
And oh, that's not enough for you? Is that enough for you?
I already read your notes. I just saw your notes.
Because she also bit through his zipper and bit his dick. i'm screaming like she was like i'm literally going to bite your penis off The dick stick.
Like, she bit right through his zipper. Oh, I thought you were going to say right through his dick.
I mean, I wish she did. Oh, jeez. But that is like... legendary next level next level shit she's a power ranger she's I don't know what she is.
She's a mythical creature of sorts. She is so much to behold.
You did it bitch. If this isn't enough to send her in the hall of fame of the most badass survivor in the galaxy.
It is. But then she ratcheted it up a notch.
What'd she do? As if biting through his zipper and making sure she was leaving her teeth everywhere. in the midst of all this chaos wasn't legendary enough while chewing on him she tried to rifle through his pockets To find an ID that she could toss under a bed or a chair or somewhere.
So she said in case police found it later, they could figure out who he was. wow like this she's thinking how does your brain do that in the in the crazy moment You know when you get in an argument with someone and then later on you think about it and you're like, oh, fuck, I wish I had said that.
I wish I had said this. I wish I had done that.
She did everything she wished she could have done.
Like she did everything that none of us would even fathom.
Like later on as a ghost, I'd be like, fuck, I wish I'd been sick off.
Yeah. But she did. She's everything. She said, quote, I was like a downed power line snapping on the pavement.
Wow. Which also I'm like, what a metaphor.
Also poetry, Susan. Susan, what don't you do?
I bet she even rocked her new haircut. She did.
What did Susan not do? She probably didn't even judge it.
You know what she didn't do? Die. Yeah. You know what she did do?
Survive. Coonies never die. No way they don't.
So moments after this, she manages to climb on top of him.
And hammer the shit out of his face. And pins him to the ground.
And she places him into a chokehold and yells in his face.
Tell me who sent you and I will call a fucking ambulance for you.
Yes. So now she has him totally powerless and she's like, oh, you want help?
Do you want me to call a fucking ambulance?
Then you tell me who sent you because not only is she like, I need to survive.
She's like, what motherfucker sent you? I'll kill them too.
I will bite their dick too. I will bite their dick off.
Are you kidding me? And she said he didn't say anything and just growled in her face.
Ew. Which I would have then killed him.
That would have set my ass off. Today's the day you die.
So he's trying to throw her off of him. And she just strengthens her chokehold until he stops moving.
Yes. Once he stops moving... And the last thing he did was growl like you're an idiot.
Yeah, it's like, was it worth it? Shut up with your growl.
And so she drops his ass. She grabs the hammer, which is another small move that is, like, smart.
Because they always come back to life. Have you seen Scream?
Yeah, you've watched Scream, you know. So, and then she goes to the neighbor's house and that's when she calls 911, which is the call we were talking about in the beginning.
Yes. So she was brought to the hospital where she works.
Okay. Wow. And they were all clapping when they were just like, holy shit, Susan.
Like we just saw you two hours ago. Holy damn. and she was admitted to the emergency room and while she was in there she immediately started thinking if her estranged husband had something to do with this.
Oh my god. She immediately was like, oh, fuck.
So remember, she had kicked him out, she had asked for a divorce, and the locks and alarms had not been changed since he had left that house.
Oh no. Now, the day after the attack, her friend Helen Ballone went with her back to her house to get some belongings.
I would not want to go back there. and and she's just like yeah like i'm gonna do like she's so she's so strong i would call my best friend and be like listen crim i need a b and c you're gonna go get it love you so much Love you so much.
Shout out to my best friend. And once they were there, her friend Helen said, Hey, There's a backpack in your basement that doesn't belong.
What? hadn't even seen the backpack when they'd gone in there because I guess the basement was kind of cluttered like a normal basement.
And I think they just didn't think of it.
So inside the space, this backpack, which was not hers, was a container of Hershey's syrup.
Okay. Which not real sure where that was going.
$200 in cash. Diabetes pills. Maybe because of the Hershey syrup.
There you go. A day book and a pay stub made out to Haffey, the attacker.
Okay. Now, there was a very damning entry in the daybook, and it was on Monday, September 4th, 2006.
Did it say, kill Susan? Call Mike. And in a manila envelope in the backpack was a piece of paper with Mike's new cell phone number on it.
So already they're like... So Ed Haffey knows Mike.
And something's going on here. So... Ed Haffey, our attacker, who is now dead.
Had diabetes. He, I think he did. From drinking Hershey's syrup.
He had lived in a trailer on Northeast Killingsworth Street in Portland.
That's ironic. Right? That is a little creepy.
And people who knew him told police that he had been raised in an upper middle class home and was an avid tennis player his whole life.
Before he just went down the tubes. Before he decided to be a fucking hitman.
Yeah, because he also had a gnarly rap sheet.
Court records showed that he, 15 years earlier, on February 28th, 1991... had arranged the murder of his ex-girlfriend, 39-year-old Georgia Lee Dutton.
Did he succeed? Her decomposed body was later found along the Umpqua River in Rosenberg.
He ended up pleading guilty to conspiracy to commit aggravated murder on March 14th, 1994.
And he spent nine years in Eastern Oregon Correctional Institution.
That's it? And was released on November 3rd, 2003.
For planning to murder someone who got nine years.
It's amazing how little people get punished for arranging murders.
Wow. What? Nine years? That's insane. Oh, yeah.
And after he got out on November 3rd, 2003...
He moved to Portland, and he needed a job.
To get out of prison, he needed a job. Well, in July 2004...
A guy named Mike Kuhnhausen hired him. And he hired him to clean floors at Fantasy Adult Video.
So he was already a violent guy. He was already evil as fuck.
And he was also desperate for cash and addicted to crack as well.
So... He was the perfect guy to do what Mike needed him to do.
Now during his autopsy, because remember, he's dead.
It became known that he had a near lethal dose of cocaine in his system when he attacked Susan.
So that's why he was so fucking smart. So that's why he was so like just coming back and coming back.
And also adrenaline. I'm sure it was like a total mix of everything.
A lethal amount of cocaine. Yeah, so he was like near lethal dose.
So he was just like really going for it.
And records from that day show that Mike drove to the coast that day of the attack.
Uh huh. He checked into the Lincoln City Inn with a credit card that afternoon, and he returned to Portland that same night. spent $339 on a Taurus .357 Magnum revolver at the Silver Lining Pawn Shop. on Northeast Sandy Boulevard the next day.
He bought a gun the next day? Yes. Yes, and you'll see why.
Okay, sorry. They're now building a case to connect Mike with the murder for hire.
So on September 8th, two days after the attack...
The news media started circulating the story everywhere.
It was everywhere. Right. And police had already located... the backpack full of evidence linking him to the crime.
Right. So Mike... On September 8th, leaves a suicide note at his father's house.
And he says, quote, all I ever wanted was to be loved.
And every time I had it, I fucked it up.
Yeah, you did. It's like, I'm sorry. You hired a hitman to kill your wife.
You call this fucking it up? Have you read any marriage books?
This is like the most epic fuck up. Chapter one, don't hire a hitman to kill your wife.
Well, and then he immediately ran. He went on the run.
I hope he doesn't get so police put out a bulletin for him.
Obviously they're like, yo, this dude's out.
Right. At 10 a.m. on September 13th, a Clackamas County Sheriff's deputy caught up with Mike.
Oh, thank God. I'm so, so happy. They caught up with him in the parking garage of Kaiser Sunnyside Medical Center.
And Mike claimed that he was going to be checking himself in for psychiatric help.
Yeah, okay, buddy. And he said, quote, I have nothing to live for anymore.
So they put him on an involuntary psychic hold.
And 11 hours later, he was put under arrest for conspiracy to commit murder.
Right. Now, it was later learned that Mike had tried to hire three other people to do this, and they all turned him down before he got to Haffey.
Now, once he was arrested, it was clear that he had a motive for doing this.
Now, Mike had lost his job weeks earlier.
He had no place to live. Oh. and mike knew that well feel free to do that for me right but But Susan and Mike had paid off their house and it was worth like $300,000.
And if Susan died, that house went to him.
Oh. So he tried to say he didn't know Halfie at all to the police.
And the police were like, yeah, we already have employment records, dumbass.
Like we know that you hired him. But take another bite of your shitty sandwich.
Take another bite of your shit sandwich and tell me the truth.
Because you're going to jail. So they were like, yeah, we know that you hired him and you know him and all that good stuff.
Stop lying. And that's when he changed his story and was like, okay, so I know him.
Just because I know the guy doesn't mean I did anything.
Yeah, but we saw in his call mic. No, you did.
Just say it. Make our lives a little bit easier.
Do we have to do this game with you? So aside from all the evidence they already had, there was also no sign of forced entry at Susan's home.
So obviously somebody knew the thing. Exactly.
And security records showed that someone had disabled the alarm while Susan was at work.
Yep. And Mike tried to cover this by saying he did it while dropping off the note about going to the beach.
But they were like, no. Because it would rearm.
And this was all confirmed because on September 18th, a former um cellmate of halfy's the attacker contacted the police out of nowhere And was like, that dude, Halfie, asked me to join a job, which was a burglary or an insurance scam.
And he said he and Haffey had met a guy at Southeast 82nd Street and Division Street.
That guy was Mike Kuhnhausen. No. Because he was like, oh, I saw him on the news.
I definitely met with that guy. And he said...
The man told him, Mike told him, that he would pay him $5,000 if he helped Caffey kill his wife.
And this inmate guy was like, and I said no, because one, no, and two, $5,000?
He's like, that's all you're going to give me?
That's all you're going to give me for killing someone?
How much do hitmen normally get? Is there a going rate?
I would think more than $5,000. I would Google it, but I'm like, I don't want that on my Google search.
Yeah, I'm not going to Google that. I'm willing to bet that people need more than $5,000 to kill people if you're a professional hitman.
So on November 17th, another witness told police that he'd driven Haffey, the attacker, to meet a bald man in the parking lot of an Applebee's near Interstate 205.
Days after that, this person saw the man's picture on the news and was like...
Oh shit, that was Mike Kuhnhausen. So all these witnesses are being like, oh yeah, that was the dude that was trying to do this.
Wow, he was sloppy as fuck about this. And now Susan filed for divorce the day after Mike was arrested.
Yes. Which, like, good for you, Susan. She is bad bitching all over this damn place.
And she is not even, like... laying down she's not even taking a deep breath like she just went through hell And she's already being like, nope, gotta file for divorce, gotta do this.
Like, she's on it. They say a woman who changes her hair is about to change her life.
That's Susan. Go Susan. So when she got the chance to finally face Mike at the trial... What did she say?
Which must have been... Unbelievable. She brought a microphone and dropped it when she was down there, right?
100%. She said, quote... You were willing for me to share your small, miserable life until death we did part.
The sooner the better, as it turns out. And at the end of the statement she said quote I am damaged by what you have done to me.
I am damaged but I am not destroyed. Yeah.
And I'm just like, ugh. I got a little goose bump.
Now, Mike pleaded guilty to conspiracy to commit murder, like we said.
And was sentenced to 10 years in prison.
Oh my fucking God. Right? That's it. Right?
That's insane. That's really insane to me.
So then 10 years from now, she's going to be, like, retired and freaking out?
And it's like, he is evil, man. So what happens?
So he was sentenced to 10 years in prison.
After the sentencing, Susan sued him for $1 million because she said she wanted to make sure he didn't have enough money. to hire another hitman to finish the job.
Oh my God. Amazing. Yeah. She's just, I can't.
And then she went into the witness protection program.
So Mike was set to be released. September 14th, 2014.
Now Susan's life changed while he was in jail, obviously, but it didn't necessarily change for the better at first.
I'm sure she was so paranoid. Yeah, she said she felt like, quote, a broken plate glued back together.
She said she sat in restaurants where she could only where she could see the door.
She switched all her driving routes. I mean, she would circle around before going home to make sure nobody was following her.
Oh, my God. And at the time she said, quote, I'm doing a life sentence for picking a bad husband.
Yeah. And that's the thing. It's like even though he's in jail.
How do I know he's not hiring somebody from jail to do this again?
Because people do that all the time. So by 2014, when he was set to come out...
She had moved to a new Portland home, and it was out of the way.
She was very secretive. And she said she surrounded her house with gravel so she would hear footsteps if anybody approached.
Yeah. And she said she went to a shooting range constantly.
She learned how to shoot. She was like, I'm going to fucking protect myself.
Have you seen the Halloween remake? no she must have been like jamie lee curtis there you go and she said quote if he came here he was not going to get close enough to hurt me Meaning Mike when he comes out of prison.
Oh my god, and it's Michael Myers. Get the fuck out of here.
That's weird. Luckily... Susan didn't have to really worry, because on Friday the 13th of June in 2014... mike died in prison of natural causes yes 92 days before he was supposed to walk out of prison wow yep so 92 days before he was supposed to go free and probably terrorize her for the rest of her life absolutely he just up and died good good night which is like thank good Susan finally she said quote I don't mourn his passing instead I mourn the life he could have had.
If only he could have opened his heart to those of us who cared about him.
And she said that she was sad that he died in prison quote so far away from any of us who had ever loved him.
Wow. So she even still had it in her soul to be like, he fucked up.
He's a fucked up person. But it's sad that he couldn't understand that people did love him.
I will never be that grown. Like... I'll never be that grown.
I don't think Susan... susans do not grow on trees everybody like that is just wow there are not many susans around no But she does say that right now she says that she is, quote, rich in all things that count.
And she says that she celebrates she said, quote, I celebrate every one of my bonus days.
In fact, every one of my bonus breaths I celebrate.
Oh my God. Like, are you kidding me, Susan?
You're beautiful. She is wonderful. She is philosophy in and of itself.
She continued working as a nurse until December 2014, so the year that he died and was supposed to come out.
And she's known as a hero now, but she actually had a ton of trouble with that.
And she still does. Yeah. Because of the fact that she had to kill a man to survive.
Yeah, that will stay with you, I'm sure.
And this just shows what kind of human she is, because...
She was meant to be a nurse, obviously, because she clearly has so much empathy and so much respect for human life.
And yet she was forced into a position where she had to end a life that normally she would be breaking her own back to save at all costs.
Right. So that must have really, like, for somebody who's just done that their whole life and that's their calling and everything, it's like that must really fight with you.
So another quote from her is she said, quote, if you can't run and you can't hide, you have to fight.
You don't know that you won't survive. Right.
So she's literally like, don't fucking give up ever.
And she says that each year on the day of her attack, she celebrates.
Because she celebrates that she was brave enough to take a chance on her own life.
Wow. What does she do? Susan. What does she do?
I don't know exactly. She didn't reveal what, because this was in an interview that I saw with her.
And they asked her, like, what do you do on that day?
And she was like, I celebrate. Because she's like, I took a chance on my own life.
She said... And she said she tries not to think of it as like she took a life.
Yeah. She says, I chose to live. That's what she did.
That is a trip. Just as a lasting thing, that's like this one little statistic, like really, I was like, whoa.
Nearly one in four homicides in Oregon involve intimate partners.
One out of four? Yeah. Wow. Isn't that crazy?
So that is the crazy survival story of Susan Kuhnhausen.
Bananas. Yeah. Like she is bananas. Let's all just worship her.
Everybody can we have a round of applause. yeah well if you want to write us an email about susan you can do that at mormonpodcast at gmail.com if you want to follow us on twitter to see pictures of susan A Morbid Podcast.
If you want to join our Facebook group and talk about Susan.
Morbid colon A True Crime Podcast. If you would like to donate in Susan's living memory to our Patreon, you can do so at patreon.com slash morbidpodcast.
And if you'd like to check out our website and maybe think about Susan while you're doing so, you can do so at... morbidpodcast.com.
We hope you keep listening. And we hope you keep it weird.
As weird as Susan. Keep it Susan. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Good night. Susan. Bye. Thank you.
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