Lemonada.
Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about strategies and solutions for living happier lives.
This week we'll talk about why it's a good idea to make a plan for your golden hours, and we talk about how a very ordinary and familiar activity can actually be one of the most dangerous things you can do.
I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, human nature.
I'm in my little home office in New York City, and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister Elizabeth Craft, my sister the sage.
That's me, Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer and producer living in LA.
And Gretchen, I can't wait to hear what you want to do with your golden hours.
Mm-hmm.
But before we jump in, we have a few updates.
We got several responses about searching for a solution.
Caroline wrote, thank you for urging me to find a solution.
I always put my purse on the passenger seat in my car.
Now that my kid can ride in the front seat, I've been struggling to put my bag somewhere that makes sense.
Too often, I fling it in the backseat where something spills out.
Enter the solution, car hooks.
They slide between the supports of your headrest and can easily hold a purse.
Something small that definitely makes me happier.
Now, Elizabeth, I have to confess, I couldn't even envision this.
So I went online to see what is a car hook.
And it's exactly what it sounds like.
She describes it.
It just slides around your headrest.
It's a hook.
These things cost less than $10.
And I know that feeling.
You turn a corner and everything just spills out, and then you're scrambling to put everything back in.
So I thought this is a perfect and inexpensive solution for a problem that could annoy you every day.
Yes, Gretch, I deal with this driving Jack to school.
It drives me nuts, because I'll put my purse in the back seat and then for some reason my insulin pen always falls out.
I don't know what it is.
And that has come back to bite me several times.
So I need to look into this.
Okay.
Tori said, They were in their early 20s.
When the pizza was cooked, he said oh, I hate this part, and reached into the oven with his bare hands to take it out.
Now, whenever my partner or I see the other doing something the hard way, we jokingly intone oh, I hate this part.
It's a loving gentle way of cuing the other person to realize their enduring suffering.
That is easily solved.
I imagine that it can also be a useful cue for ourselves when you catch yourself thinking oh, I hate this part.
Take a beat to consider whether there's an easy way to make it better.
Yeah.
Looking forward to hearing other people's easy solutions, especially those that don't involve buying a product.
Yeah, I love that.
Yeah, that's a great reminder.
Caitlin wrote.
The discussion around solutions today reminded me of a question I ask myself often when I'm feeling like I can't solve a problem, which is how am I contributing to this?
This is attributed to Carl Jung's work, but has helped me really break down exactly my part in certain conflicts.
It's easy to think that others are causing our issues, and everything would be so much better if only the other person changed.
But it's often the case that we are part of a certain dynamic and we can change our own behavior.
As an example, I was getting upset that a friend never texted me back when I offered plans to meet up.
I was getting so worked up that they were neglecting our friendship.
But then I thought what is my part in this?
I could see that this person was not as interested in scheduling and instead liked to see me organically or for special occasions.
I had to realize that me texting her was setting up for my disappointment, so I could make the choice of knowing she won't respond or not texting her at all for scheduling purposes.
It's a very useful question for many things.
So I think this is a great example.
Tori was saying, what are some of these examples that cost nothing?
And here, Caitlin is offering a question that can help us search for a solution in our own behavior.
Yes.
Which, as she says, is obviously the last thing that occurs to us.
Yes.
Yeah.
Great advice.
Great advice.
So keep those coming.
We are really enjoying this because we can all learn from each other.
And this week, our Try This at Home suggestion is to make a plan for your golden hours.
So not your golden years, your golden hours.
Yes.
So this is all about the value of intention and planning.
So this idea comes straight from Laura Vanderkam, a friend of mine who is a time use expert.
She has a new book that just came out called Big Time, A Simple Path to Time Abundance.
She's also the host of two podcasts, Before Breakfast and Best of Both Worlds.
She has a newsletter, Just a Minute.
She has five kids.
She works all the time.
So she is somebody where you're like, because sometimes I'm like a time news expert.
I'm like, I don't know.
How much time are you juggling?
I'm like, Laura Vanderkam has a lot of claims on her time.
So I take what she suggests very seriously.
And her point and I think that this is so true is that it's very easy to treat weekday evenings as kind of afterthoughts, kind of unappreciated.
It's post-work.
It's pre-bedtime.
It's the weekday.
We're often tired.
That time can kind of feel like scraps.
So we don't make the most of it.
But it's a lot of time.
If you think of like after you work and before you go to bed, that's a lot of time.
And if you add that up, there is a lot that you could do with that time.
If you used it wisely instead of treating it as filler time.
That's so interesting because, yes, sometimes I'll even think at a certain hour, like, what now?
Right.
What are you going to do with this time?
Laura argues that you can use this time as prime time.
You can use it for leisure, for family time, for rejuvenation rather than mindless downtime.
So her suggestion is that you set one intention for each day, for 30 to 60 minutes.
That's not work, that's not housework and that's not care of a family member.
So it's just 30 minutes, but you make a plan for it.
She just says the to-do list is never done.
When it's Laura's time, she does things like read a novel or do a puzzle or go on a long solo walk through the neighborhood.
You know, it can be a lot of different things.
It's just the idea of like really make a plan for it.
Yes.
Don't just scroll, which is what many of us do.
Right.
It just get caught up in something that's a low value activity.
Now, this is what I thought was really interesting, Elizabeth.
And I thought of you because I know sometimes you have struggled to go to bed, because you feel like the evening is your leisure time.
It's kind of your fun time.
And if you go to bed early, you're sort of giving up your fun.
And what Laura reports is that it often helps people to do a better job of going to sleep earlier, because they do feel like they have that time for themselves and they feel like they've really done something valuable that they wanted to do, rather than like time is going by and yet what am I getting out of it?
Yeah.
I know for me, doing Orange Theory is the prime example of this.
When I do Orange Theory, I go in the evening.
I go either at 4 o'clock, 5.10, or 6.25.
And so those are all that time where you can have undefined stretches.
And it is absolutely the case that when I go to a class, my whole day feels like doubly productive.
Like I've done this big thing for myself that's also good for myself.
And it absolutely sets me up for a better feeling when I go to bed.
Well, this ties into something else.
She said that one night a week should be something that is just for you.
So it isn't like fun family adventures.
It's like this is something that is just you doing what you specifically want.
So you're doing Orange Theory because that's what you want.
And I think this is really good from like an empty nest perspective, because I've talked to a lot of people who, in the empty nest transition, feel sort of at a loss for what to do with themselves because they haven't had any activities or hobbies or book club or whatever that they did, just because it was something that they enjoyed, that they did on their own.
If you're thinking about setting yourself up for the empty nest.
It's really good to have things like that.
And it's also Elizabeth going to do something like this.
You can do this now because Jack is big enough that even if Adam's not there, you can just leave, and Jack is fine on his own.
And I do think that sometimes with family life you sort of forget that, like at one time you couldn't do something.
Right.
But now you can.
Right.
You can change.
Just walk out the door and take a class if you don't have a meeting or something.
But I think sometimes we're slow to realize what options we have because something hasn't been possible for so long.
We forget that now we can do it.
Yeah.
And I think you make a really good point, Gretchen, about like the empty nest situation.
Don't think okay, the kids are going to leave and then I will get into a book group and start exercising and take up knitting and do all these things, because these things all take time to figure out, to get into a groove.
Right.
You want to start setting them up now, so they're already in place, and already things that give you comfort and joy, rather than starting from scratch September 1st, after your kid goes to school.
100, because it's far more fun to be a year into a book club than to be saying oh, who do I know who I can ask to be in a book club?
Exactly.
Remember how nervous you were the first time to get at Orange Theory?
Oh, yeah.
Because you just had no idea what to expect.
And now it's just a completely different experience to go.
Yes.
Some elements to keep in mind, because I do think this is really valuable, is intentional planning.
So the idea is that you really are thinking about it, like put it on your list, put it on your calendar, if you need to do that.
But this is an official thing that you want to do, even though it's fun.
And I say this for obligers.
Just because something is fun doesn't mean that you will necessarily do it.
You have to build some kind of accountability into it.
Put it on a list, tell other people that that's what you're going to do.
Get a book out of the library that you have to return.
So you're like, well, I have to read my book because I got to return it on time.
And then she has an interesting thing, which she calls toad time.
And I don't know if she came up with that term or if somebody else created it.
I've never heard of it.
But it's time outside after dinner.
Hmm.
And she says, especially when the evenings are longer, it's really fun with your family.
You eat outside, you go to a park, you walk around the neighborhood.
That there's something about going outside.
And I do think that does feel really valuable and restorative to go outside.
The fact of it is is that effortful fun is often more energizing and more satisfying, and passive fun feels easy, but it can become numbing.
Yes.
It can feel wasteful.
For me, like I want to really recommit to watercolor.
And now I've made the idea like I only watercolor every day if I'm not going out at night.
I realized I was setting myself up for failure because I just, if I had something to do at night, it was just too much and I wasn't doing it.
And I felt like I was letting myself down.
So I changed the rule.
That's one of the things that I do with my golden hours if I'm not going out after work.
So I just love this idea.
Love it.
So let us know if you do try this at home and what you might do during your golden hours to make that time richer and more satisfying.
Let us know.
It will be fascinating to know what are people doing with this time.
Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook.
Drop us an email at podcast at GretchenRubin.com.
You can go to the show notes.
This is happiercast.com slash 589.
And again, the book that this comes from is Big Time by Laura Vanderkam.
Coming up, we've got a happiness hack related to convenience.
But first, let's break.
I am always looking for something easy to keep around when I need more protein during the day.
And lately I have been reaching for David.
The chocolate chip cookie dough flavor has become my favorite because it genuinely tastes good and actually keeps me full.
What's impressive is the nutrition profile 28 grams of protein, only 150 calories and zero grams of sugar.
A lot of protein bars feel heavy or overly sweet, but these have a soft texture, with crunchy pieces mixed in, which makes them feel like an actual treat.
And David is now available at Walmart stores nationwide and on Walmartcom, where you can try a single bar for just 297.
Their Gold Line has one of the highest protein-to-calorie ratios out there, so it's an easy way to hit your protein goals without a ton of extra calories or sugar.
Don't just take our word for it.
Go grab one for yourself.
Head to Walmart today to try a bar or stock up on four counts of your favorite flavors like blueberry pie and salted peanut butter, sold exclusively at Walmart.
Check out walmart.com to find a store near you.
I've been trying to say yes more to little adventures.
Nothing huge, just getting out of the routine and going somewhere different for the day.
And it really makes you appreciate having a car that feels solid and comfortable, where you're not thinking about the drive, you're just focused on where you're going.
That's what stood out to me about the Defender.
It has that rugged design, but it also feels really thoughtful inside.
And I like that.
There's a full lineup from the two-door 90 to the 110 and the 130, with seating for up to eight, so it really fits different kinds of plans.
And it's built with those durable, purposeful materials so you can actually use it without worrying about every little thing.
It also has features that make driving feel easier, like ClearSight technology and the PIVI Pro system, so you can keep track of where you're going and everything you wanna listen to along the way.
Plus, with up to 89 cubic feet of cargo space and available three rows, it gives you a lot of flexibility, depending on what you're bringing with you.
Hey, it's Julie Louis-Dreyfus from Wiser Than Me, etc., just popping in with a little reality check.
Food waste shouldn't exist.
There is no reason that our leftovers should end up in a landfill, but that's the final destination for about a third of the food we grow.
Our ancestors would be confused.
They used their food scraps as compost or as animal feed or in weird soups all the stuff we did before garbage was invented.
But composting is hard work.
Living with a bucket of rotten food on your counter is gross.
Most food goes in the trash because it's easy.
And these days, we'll take any easy we can get.
But now there's something easier.
Drop your scraps in a mill food recycler.
It looks like a kitchen bin and an iPhone had a baby.
It takes nearly anything, even meat and bones.
It works automatically.
You can keep filling it for weeks, and it never smells.
When you finally empty it, you've got these nutrient-rich grounds.
Use them in your garden, pour them in your green bin or have Mill, get them to a small farm, so the food you don't eat can help grow the food you do just like it should be.
It's why I own a mill, why I invest in mill, and why I'm still obsessed with my mill.
If you want to get obsessed too, go to mill.com slash wiser to get $75 off.
That's mill.com slash wiser for $75 off.
Okay, Alyssa, this is a hack we've talked about before.
And I think I wrote about this in Outer Order Intercall, my book about creating outer order.
And it's the idea that, if you find yourself often encountering an item that's not in the right place, like my keys, are always here instead of where they're supposed to be, which is there.
Maybe you need to rethink where that thing is supposed to be, because sometimes people have an idea like this thing is supposed to be by the front door.
But it's like, no, actually, this thing should be on the kitchen counter.
That's where its proper place should be because they have the place that they want to be.
And it's like these keys are just fighting to be in this one place.
So just say that's where they go. instead of constantly moving them around.
When we walk the dogs, when we're at our weekend house, we keep our flashlight in a really oddball place, which is this like one little shelf in the kitchen.
And you're like that's kind of an odd place to keep a flashlight, but that's where the flashlight wants to be.
It wants to be in this area of the kitchen.
Like It always kind of ends up there.
So I'm like well, let's have that be where we put it, rather than saying oh, let's put it in this place, which makes more sense but is actually kind of out of the flow.
And we got a fun example of this from Jonna.
Yeah.
Yes, she said, My solution was to put my deodorant in the drawer with my bras.
Taking off or putting on a bra is the right time to put on deodorant so now I never forget.
Problem solved.
Right.
So she wasn't dealing with the deodorant, kept going to the wrong place, but it was like having it in the right place.
It never got used.
It really needed to find a new home.
So she solved a solution and she figured out where does this little item want to live?
I always think of things as having little personalities that want to be living up to their potential in the world.
So love that solution.
Yes, that's fun.
Next up, we have a happiness stumbling block.
Okay, this one is actually quite important.
Once I started researching this, I realized okay, this is a very important happiness stumbling block.
So one of my secrets of adulthood is that activities that feel familiar feel safe.
Activities that are common and familiar just do not seem dangerous, but this can be very risky to our happiness and to our health.
And you take something like texting.
We all do it all the time, all day long, and it's so familiar that it's very easy to start texting while you are walking down the street or even while you are driving, and that is very dangerous.
Yes.
When you are driving someplace.
Very familiar.
What the research shows is that if we have made a trip a bazillion times, our brains just go into autopilot and we're not paying attention.
And so that's why often people get into accidents right near their home.
And part of it is that's where they spend the most time.
But it's also like they're not paying attention.
If you're in an unfamiliar place, you're alert.
You're looking. around, but you just off in your own head when you're driving to the grocery store.
So again, familiarity can breed risk.
But here's something I did not know, which is the danger of ladders.
Ladders are so dangerous.
Falling off a ladder is in the top 10 for causes of deaths and non-fatal injuries.
The statistics are wild.
Now, in a construction site, ladders are considered one of the most dangerous tools.
But the fact is, if you're in a house, you don't think of it as like oh, this is a dangerous thing that we have to beware.
And the vast majority of the injuries and deaths that come from ladders are in home settings.
We don't get safety training.
We're never told how to properly use a ladder.
Often we might be alone when we're on a ladder.
Like you don't think, oh, I need a spotter.
I need somebody to help me.
500,000 injuries and 300 deaths. per year from a ladder.
And 81% of fall injuries in emergency rooms are from ladders.
Of falls that are fatal, 43% involve a ladder.
People really risk their health if they're not paying attention when they get on a ladder.
And you said most of these fatalities are from falls that are less than 10 feet.
This is right.
It's not like somebody is up at the crown of a tree.
These are people who are on the ordinary kind of ladders changing a light bulb, dusting a ceiling fan.
Yeah.
Hanging holiday decorations, putting up a picture, trying to get to the top shelf of a cabinet.
I know somebody who lost a sense of smell falling off a ladder.
I have a friend's father who died from injuries that he had from falling off a ladder.
And these were not huge ladders.
These were just walls.
Ordinary ladders.
And part of it is that we just don't know how to use them safely.
We use the wrong size of a ladder.
We reach out too far because we don't want to bother to move the ladder.
We're not paying attention, so we miss a rung when we're going up and down.
We don't keep proper contact.
Often people put it on ground that might be wet or unstable or not level.
We might stand on the top and try to balance there.
People try to carry things like, oh, you've got a big Christmas wreath.
We do so many things wrong when we're using ladders.
Well, Gretchen, this reminds me of our own family and Christmas decorations.
We love Christmas decorations.
We have lots of Christmas decorations.
I know where you're going with this.
For years.
They were all in the attic.
We had one of those attics where you pulled down the stairs.
Incredibly rickety, narrow.
Steep.
More like rungs than like steps.
Yes, it was really a ladder.
You pulled down the ladder.
Shiny, slidey wood.
And dad would climb those steps in his slippers, which were knitted slippers that our grandma Kraft made him every year.
I mean, they really weren't safe to even walk around in, much less climb a steep.
You couldn't be on a flat linoleum floor in those slippers.
Yes.
And we would all stand there and like screech and howl.
Over the fact that he was climbing the ladder and those slippers.
He would balance on one foot, on two rungs, reach out far, grab a heavy box filled with Santas or whatever pivot, maneuver it down below his waist so one of us could reach it from below.
I mean, even at the time, we were like, this is bonkers.
This isn't safe.
Yeah.
What were we thinking?
We really should have stepped in.
Yeah.
So that's one of the things.
Don't do it alone.
He always had us hanging around.
But you should always have someone standing by.
You should wear non-slip shoes.
Don't wear slippers.
Don't have bare feet.
Don't have loose clothing that you could catch.
It's too much to talk about how to use it and it depends on what kind of ladder you have, how big the ladder it is.
But if you're going to be using a ladder, watch a quick video.
These are all over the internet from organizations begging you to be safe when you use a ladder, about how to move the ladder, how to position the ladder, maintaining contact with the ladder, because a little bit of forethought and planning and just using your head and paying attention, The numbers to me were just astonishing.
Because you just don't think of this as being something that's a hazard.
And it turns out it is.
Yes.
And Gretchen, I'm sure the statistics are equally stark when it comes to texting and driving.
So let us not, you know.
But we all know that we shouldn't do that.
We all know it's incredibly dangerous.
I don't think we know.
No yeah right right, we do it anyway right yeah, so don't text and drive and don't get on a ladder.
Ladders yes, beware ladders.
All right gretch, coming up, you have a bit of a relationship demerit, but first this break.
All right Gretch, we are back with demerits and gold stars.
And this week, it is your turn for a happiness demerit.
Well, this is a demerit about phone calls.
And I mean an actual phone call, not texting, not emailing, which I'm good at that.
But one of the things that's very true about Jamie and his parents and I've noticed this from the first that we were married is they just call a lot.
It wouldn't be unusual for them to talk a couple times a day.
I think once, when we had a complicated situation, I think I talked to a member of their family nine times in the course of five hours, or something like that.
They just pick up the phone and call.
And I am less likely to do that.
And I really think that it is valuable in a special way.
And I think the more you do it, the more it can just be brief and light.
Its frequency is more important than duration.
And I think it's particularly an issue when I'm traveling travel.
Because I kind of had this sort of out of sight, out of mind thing where like, if I'm traveling to see friends, I might not think to call Jamie or our mother.
Or if I'm at home, I might not think to check in with a friend.
I might need to call her for some reason.
I sort of get absorbed in whatever I'm doing and I don't think of okay, how should I be checking in on everything?
I remember sort of being bemused by this when I entered into the Rubin family.
It's just like a different way.
And I've really over the years come to realize I really admire that a lot.
I think there's a lot of value to it.
Because if you're a person who doesn't love to get on the phone, you're like I don't want to get on the phone.
But there's a lot of good reasons to get on the phone.
Yeah, I do think this is more pressing now because people don't talk on the phone as much.
Yes.
You are even less inclined to call anybody.
So it is something to be aware of and think about.
I had a funny story to tell a friend, but I'm like if I just call her she'll think that it's something bad.
So I texted her and I said, I have a funny story to tell you.
Call me when it's convenient.
And then she called me right away.
But I didn't want her to worry because if she saw my number, she's like, oh my...
Yeah.
Like what is it?
It's just some, yeah.
With family members.
They're used to you calling, but at least with my friends it tends to be some kind of urgent issue that can make you sort of nervous.
So I kind of set the context, or like I have a non-urgent question that's easier to talk through than type
Yes.
Can I call you?
That kind of thing.
Yes.
Alicia, take us up.
What's your gold star?
Well, I am giving a gold star to Adam Gretchen because he has just made a real effort lately to go with me to what I would call like couples things.
You know, I'm more inclined to go out socially than he is socially.
And a lot of times I do go by myself because he'd rather stay home.
But I have noticed lately, not through any requests I made, but just he has made a point of if I say oh, do you want to go to this thing with me on Wednesday?
He'll say, sure, I'll go.
And I've really been enjoying having our couples time and having my husband by my side at these things.
Yeah.
And it's really, really nice.
So I want to acknowledge that I see that he is doing something for me. and I appreciate it.
So my question is, have you told Adam?
I have told Adam, but he's not one that loves to be acknowledged for things like that.
Like you and I love our gold stars, our words of affirmation.
He is absolutely not a words of affirmation person.
So I don't land on it for a while, but I did mention it.
You know, I think that's a really good point, though that even something like saying I really appreciate this extra effort that I see you're putting in to us that feels really important, but for somebody else it might be almost even annoying.
And so you really have to think about who are you talking to?
Not what feels natural to you, the speaker, but what will be received?
How do you convey what you want?
And maybe it's not saying anything.
Yes.
What would be better is for me to pick up my clothes off the floor, unload the dishwasher things that I know he would like me to do.
Ah, interesting.
Kind of a silent exchange of consideration, thoughtfulness, and love.
Oh, I love it.
What a beautiful gold star.
Wonderful.
Gold star, Adam.
We won't tell you to your face, but it's appreciated.
Okay, the resource for this week.
If you'd like a small happiness boost each week, you can check out my newsletter.
It's a free weekly newsletter called Five Things Making Me Happy.
Spoiler alert, it is about five things making me happy.
For instance, in a recent issue I shared a video that Jamie sent me.
That was the song Stayin' Alive from the movie Saturday Night Fever, as if it were sung as a 16th century madrigal.
And I just have to say, I did not know it, but I love madrigals.
And like, all I want is more madrigals in my life.
I laughed out loud.
I watched it 15 times.
And it's such a pleasure for me to have an outlet to share the things that make me happier.
So I have a huge amount of fun putting this together each week.
You can sign up at happiercast.com slash newsletter.
If you want to get a sense of what they are, you can look at past issues there.
If there's something that I mentioned and you're like, wait, what was she talking about?
You can look back there.
It's just really fun to do that newsletter each week.
Elizabeth, what are we reading?
What are you reading?
I am reading Presumed Guilty by Scott Turow.
And I am reading The Great Divorce by C.S.
Lewis.
And that's it for this episode of Happier.
Remember to try this at home.
Make a plan for your golden hours.
Let us know if you tried it and if it worked for you.
What are you planning to do with your golden hours?
We can all learn from each other.
Thanks to our executive producer, Chuck Reed, and everyone at Lemonada.
And here's your rhyming reminder.
If you enjoy the podcast, tell your friends fast.
Until next week, I'm Elizabeth Kraft.
And I'm Gretchen Rubin.
Thanks for joining us Onward and Upwards.
Alyssa, do you have a ladder?
You have like a real yard and garden.
Do you have a ladder?
Yes, we have a ladder.
And I'm just thinking, how can I impress upon Adam that he needs to be careful with the ladder?
Because he definitely uses it.
Yeah, I was surprised by just how many injuries they cause.
