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Alyssa, when we're together for the holidays, we end up going to Whole Foods Market every day.
There's so many things that we need.
Like we're going to a party and one of us needs to bring a gift for the host.
They have these expert curated cheeses and crackers that everybody loves.
They have excellent limited-time seasonal desserts, like holiday rum cake, creamy bouche de Noël, which is one of our family's favorites, and more.
Plus, they have these show-stopping things for the table like bone-in spiral-cut ham.
Well Gretchen, I love that they have heat and eat sides from the prepared foods department, because you know that I am not much of a cook.
So heat and serve is something I can do.
And they have floral, Gretchen.
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Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about ideas for building greater happiness into everyday life.
This week we'll talk about why it's helpful to look for occasions when you think I could do better, and we share some very creative accountability strategies from a listener.
I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, and human nature.
I'm in my little home office in New York City, and joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister, Elizabeth Kraft.
That's me, Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer and producer living in LA, and Gretch, it is Christmas Eve, so happy Christmas Eve.
Happy Christmas Eve, but we have very sad news.
Our beloved father, Jack Kraft, died on December 2nd, and we so appreciate all the kind messages that we have received from listeners and readers who heard the news before this announcement.
Yeah, it is so comforting to know that people who never even met dad had a sense of what a wonderful person he was.
They are sharing takeaways from dad that we've shared over the years.
It's so nice that people felt like they knew him.
And we are heartbroken, but we are happy that we were able to spend those last days together.
We were all together.
We were right by his side.
That was very, very meaningful to us.
Yes.
I think about it often and it gives me great comfort.
And then afterward, you and mom and I spent days working on the obituary.
Mom was the best editor of the three of us, I would say.
Yes.
I'll put a link to that in the show notes.
And Gretchen, we're still just overwhelmed and processing.
So we're not going to go into it in depth here.
Yeah.
But in an upcoming episode, we'll talk about dad extensively.
Yes.
And what we've learned so far that might be helpful to other people.
Many listeners and readers have sent us suggestions that have been extremely helpful.
So thank you for that.
He really was just the greatest father ever.
We feel so fortunate.
Yeah.
But no one was a bigger fan of the podcast than our father.
He listened to Happier and Happier in Hollywood as soon as they dropped.
And he followed the industry news very closely.
He was always asking us what different deals would mean for us.
So we will keep going knowing that we've lost our biggest fan.
And today we'll compartmentalize and we will continue.
And then in a future episode, we will go deep.
Yes, doing it for dad.
Doing it for dad.
So Alyssa, this week our Try This at Home suggestion is to look for an occasion when you think I could do it better.
So, explain what that means.
It's intriguing.
So, looking back on things that I've done, I realized that there were key moments a few times where I got an idea for something that I wanted to do because I saw what somebody else was doing or what other people were doing.
And I thought, wow, I think I could do a better job of that.
Or like they're not doing something that I think needs to be done.
So, for instance, with my Churchill biography, Forty Ways to Look at Winston Churchill, I
At that time I was absolutely preoccupied with Winston Churchill, so I was just reading biography after biography.
They're either very critical or they're very agitatory, but you could write either kind of biography and be exactly factually accurate.
And nobody was doing that.
Nobody was showing that both things could be true.
And then I thought, well, I could do that.
Or then when I was studying happiness, so I'd written The Happiness Project, I'd written Happier at Home and I'd begun to really focus on habits as a key element for happiness.
And I was reading book after book after book and all the research I could find about habits.
And I kept thinking, but nobody's really talking about happiness. how to change a habit.
They'll talk about one thing, but then they won't acknowledge the fact that for a lot of people that won't work.
Somebody needs to lay it out.
What are all the options?
What's going to work for what person?
And then I finally realized I could write that book.
I think I could do it better.
And that was really helpful for me.
If you're already looking at something so closely and analyzing it, it's probably because it's very interesting to you and you have an ability.
Yeah.
And along those lines, a friend of mine, this is when we were like had really little kids.
And you know, sometimes like a parent will make a year end video that everybody watches and it's super cute.
So she said after a couple of years, she kept thinking like, these are really just not that good.
I think I could do a better job.
And she did one and it was so amazing.
Everybody was just so blown away by how great it was that she actually turned that into her profession, because she realized oh, this is something that I really enjoy doing and I really like doing, and people really think that I do it well.
And that led to her getting her first gigs.
And so that thought well, I could do it better really got her started down a path that she hadn't expected.
I love that.
A small example of this Gretchen, which I think I may have mentioned before on the podcast, is my old boss, Joss Whedon had been away from television for quite a while and And when he came back he said I have figured out how to do lunch.
Oh, now why is that a problem?
Well, ordering lunch is just this thing in the writer's room that takes up an enormous amount of time.
And inevitably, everyone takes forever to order.
And then lunch is very late because usually you order lunch in and then you work over lunch.
That's just the standard.
And so he came back and said, I figured it out.
I've cracked the code.
And what he declared is that every Friday we would pick all five places to eat the next week and do all of our menu picking Friday afternoon.
And then if you wanted to change your order the day of, you could, but that was on you.
So we never had to stop the room ever. and order lunch.
And it was a fun, silly thing, but it did save hours of time.
Well, and that's when you see something and you're like, this is just not working.
Can I come up with a better solution?
So it's interesting how it can be encouraging to see a mediocre example of something or a bad example.
And I think what this is useful for living a happier and more satisfying life is that sometimes there's maybe an opportunity, but we don't even recognize it as an opportunity or we don't think oh, this is something for me or this is something that I should think about tackling.
And so the question becomes, well, how do you spot an opportunity like that?
That's such like an abstract thing.
How are you on the lookout for opportunities?
And so one way to be on a lookout for an opportunity is when you catch yourself having that thought well, I could do a better job.
And then often you might even be thinking in your mind, oh, what would I do differently?
Even just like in a fantasy way, like, oh, I would do this and that.
Sometimes I'll do that with drugstore displays or something.
I'll be like, oh, now, see, I wouldn't have put that on the end cap.
You catch yourself just thinking about what different choices you would make.
Sometimes those things are completely unrealistic.
Of course, no one's going to ask me to rearrange their drugstore displays.
But sometimes there is an opportunity for you to think, oh well, maybe I could try to do a better job and see what came of it.
Yeah, and I think right now, when so many people are pivoting, as we say, in their careers, this idea of looking around and seeing opportunities is a great idea, like your friend with the kindergarten video.
Absolutely.
Well, let us know if you do try this at home and saying to yourself well, I think I could do it better.
Is there an example where you got started down a path because that question occurred to you?
Is there something in your life where you're thinking, oh well really, maybe there is something for me to pursue?
We would love to know your thoughts.
Let us know on Instagram threads, TikTok, Facebook.
You can drop us an email at podcast at GretchenRubin.com.
Or as always, you can go to the show notes.
This is Happier Capitalism. dot com slash 566.
Coming up, we've got a happiness hack related to the four tendencies.
But first, this break.
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Okay Gretchen, we are back with this week's happiness hack and it's related to the four tendencies.
Yes, this is some great suggestions from our listener, Lori.
She's talking about the tendencies.
So, just as a reminder, the four tendencies is my personality framework that divides people into upholders questioners, obligers and rebels.
And you can take the quiz.
If you don't know what you are, just go to GretchenRubin.com and you can find the quiz.
I don't know, 4 million people, three and a half, 4 million people have taken the quiz.
It's free.
It will give you a report.
And so much about your life will become clear to you, and about other people, once you know their tendencies.
But for the purposes of her comment and her suggestion, the key thing to realize is that if you are an obliger and Elizabeth, you are an obliger.
Yes.
If you want to meet an inner expectation like you want to keep a New Year's resolution, you want to start meditating you need to have some form of outer accountability for that.
So obligers are people who readily keep their promises to other people, but they struggle to keep their promises to themselves.
And so they need outer accountability, which is actually pretty straightforward when you know that's what you need to plug in.
But sometimes it's hard to think of the right way structure of accountability for a particular issue, which is why Laurie's suggestions are so useful.
But Laurie is an upholder, which is what I am.
And upholders are those who readily meet both outer and inner expectations.
So these are the people who form habits really easily.
They tend to be rigid, but they're really good at executing on a plan.
And her point is that, well, accountability works even for upholders.
And it's true.
Accountability is something that can work for all four tendencies.
It's just being accountable to somebody is something that is often very useful.
Now, for rebels, sometimes it's useful.
Sometimes it's really counterproductive.
So this is a situation where you really have to look within and say...
How is accountability going to help me or not help me with a particular aim?
So Lori had some really interesting things to say about this aspect of accountability.
Yes.
And she talks about how she manufactures accountability, which is interesting.
Yes.
So Lori said, I'm a loyal podcast listener and identified something in myself that I thought you might find interesting and that might help others.
I am definitely an upholder.
I knew that before I took the quiz and the quiz confirmed it.
I have found I can always make myself do something.
However, I do it with more happiness when I feel accountable to someone.
So I find that I manufacture accountability.
Examples tonight I wanted to food prep some mango chicken curry for the week, but I was struggling with getting it done.
So I wrote to my coworkers and said, anyone want mango chicken curry for lunch tomorrow?
I'm food prepping and I can hook you up.
Two colleagues responded and so I made it with a lot of joy.
I think I would have made it anyway but just not with joy.
Then she says I wanted to turn my mom's coat into a teddy bear, but I struggled for a year to get it done.
So I told my daughter what I was doing and I hired someone to do it within a month.
Next, she says, And finally, she said, Would you say I'm an upholder who tips to obliger?
I assume not all upholders find tasks easier if they feel accountable to someone else.
I'm really happy to have identified this dynamic within myself.
I think this is so great because Lori has really embraced her upholder self, realized that accountability maybe is not necessary but changes the quality of what she's doing.
So that she does it more joyfully.
And that is just a great thing to know about yourself, because it's not just about slogging through checking things off the list, but what makes it more pleasant.
What makes it feel easier or more convenient or more joyful?
The fact is sometimes plugging in accountability is just a nudge.
It gives you just a little bit of fuel to get yourself going.
But it's funny that she uses this thing of you teach something that you need to learn.
I've heard of a lot of obligers who are like the only reason I do yoga is because I'm a yoga teacher, or the only way I knew I would do my genealogical research is if I volunteer to help other people with their genealogical research at the local library.
It's so great to hear other people's ideas because then I think you feel like okay, I could put my own spin on it for my own aims.
But sometimes it's hard to think of these less conventional structures.
Yeah.
And by the way, I wish I had Lori in my life, Gretchen.
Lori is getting a lot done out there and motivating others.
I mean, online running challenges.
I love it.
Yeah.
So excellent original accountability.
And by the way, I am collecting these.
I have a huge document about information about the four tendencies.
And one of my favorite things is when I have an imaginative or unorthodox accountability system that someone has come up with.
So if you've come up with something, hit me up because I would love to hear about it.
All right.
All right, Gretchen, it's time for our listener question.
Yes.
And this comes from Lori, not the same Lori.
Lori says.
I want to share a small change that I plan to make after listening to the More Happier episode about making great recommendations.
We'll be right back.
I do have one question for you and your listeners.
What about when I didn't enjoy the recommendation or had a negative experience?
I don't offer unsolicited negative feedback, but I'm unsure how to respond when someone asks directly.
I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to handle that.
First of all, I'm really trying to do that write down who recommended something, because I find it much more interesting to follow up on something when I know who recommended it.
And it is fun to tell somebody, oh, I read Mothering Sunday because you recommended it to me.
But this is an interesting question about, well, what if you didn't like it?
What do you think, Elizabeth?
Well, I think you should be honest.
Obviously, you don't have to say it in a rude way, but I think a lot of times recommendations fall in the intellectual category, like a book recommendation.
So I think it's less fraught.
You're just having a disagreement over what you enjoy intellectually.
It's not personal.
You mean, rather than something that's like I'm mad at you because you did something or said something.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Yeah, it's a mindful disagreement.
It's not, oh, you're bugging me or you're annoying me or I'm picking on you or something like that.
Yes.
What do you think?
I think that's true.
And I also think it can be interesting.
I mean, you wouldn't want to say something that somebody might find harsh, like oh well, I really don't like melodramatic thrillers or something that puts it down.
Right.
So you want to be respectful, but I think you can talk about why something didn't suit you.
For example, people often make recommendations to me and I just hold up my hand and say I don't read or watch anything having to do with unjust accusation.
You can tell me Atonement by Ian McEwan is great, and I'm like, yeah, and I'm not going to read it.
Am I going to read Oliver Twist?
No, I am not.
Am I going to go to a show of Othello?
No, I am not because I don't like unjust accusation.
And nobody takes that personally.
That's a very specific plot that I don't like.
But I think there are many kinds of books stories, podcasts that people either like or sometimes don't like.
And it's interesting to talk about that.
Well and yeah.
Once you know what someone likes and doesn't like, it can make for a better recommendation in the future.
That could go for a restaurant and many other things as well.
Yeah.
Because if someone says well, I don't like unreliable narrators, then you're not going to say oh, why don't you read The Good Soldier?
I love an unreliable narrator.
Bring it on.
But not everybody does.
And I think you're right that people don't take it personally.
So, for instance, one of my all-time favorite books which I just reread and then I listened to the audiobook and then I immediately just started it over and listened to it all over again because I love it so much and there were little threads that I wanted to pay more attention to is Muriel Spark's novel The Prime of Miss Jean Brody.
And I'm constantly telling people oh my gosh, I love the book, the novel The Prime of Miss Jean Brody.
And a fair number of people say to me I read it because you recommended it and I thought it was really boring.
I mean, Elizabeth, I don't think you liked it very much, did you?
No, I am one of those people.
I was so excited to read it because I knew how much you loved it.
And then I was just like I kept checking to make sure it was the same book, because I'm like I don't get it.
There's just quirks people have.
Like in my children's literature reading group, There's a couple people who really only want to read realistic fiction.
They don't want a dragon.
They don't want powers.
They don't want a magical library.
They want like a kid riding their bike down a suburban neighborhood.
And, of course, sometimes because we choose books as a group.
Sometimes we do pick fantasy books and they will enjoy them.
They'll say like, okay, yes, I could understand that this is a good book and I enjoyed it.
But we're careful to say like, well, you know what?
We've had a couple dragons in a row.
Let's have a realistic fiction because that is so much more to the taste of some of our members.
And nobody thinks less of them.
It's just sometimes there's something that we love and then there's stuff that we just do not like.
I mean, Elizabeth, I can't get into reality TV, even though you love it so much.
Right.
But when you say something like watch Mad Men, of course, I love Mad Men beyond all measure.
And I'm going to start girls because you recommended it.
So I know that I can take some kinds of your recommendations.
But then there are other recommendations that I know it's just not for me.
And Gretchen, in terms of being honest about not liking something, we can disagree.
People can disagree.
It's good to practice disagreeing in a respectful way.
It can lead to very interesting conversation and debate.
And that's conversation I happen to really enjoy.
Yeah.
Well, and the problem is, and I don't know if you've ever done this, is you try to fake it.
You didn't actually finish a book, but you're like, oh, I really enjoyed it.
And then they like raise something.
And a lot of times you're digging yourself in deeper or then they'll follow up on it.
And so you really don't do yourself any favors or the relationship. by faking it.
But then also it's a way to open a door to like.
This isn't for me, but tell me what you liked about it.
Maybe even with a child, this might be great.
I remember one of the most powerful memories of being really young is we were going to the library.
I remember I was telling our mother about a book that I loved.
I don't even remember what the book was, but I remember I was just telling her oh my gosh, I just loved it so much.
And she said to me, well, don't return it yet because if it's that good, I want to read it.
And I was just blown away.
Oh, my gosh.
This is so much responsibility.
I am now the book critic for my mother.
I have to be so thoughtful about what I recommend and what I don't recommend.
And then if she had said something like, oh, you know, I didn't like it.
I think even as like an eight year old or something, I would have been like, that's so interesting.
Why didn't you like half magic?
I love half magic or whatever it might have been.
It's a way to start a conversation with somebody where even a disagreement can bring you closer, if you disagree in the right way.
Yeah.
So great question, Lori.
Thank you.
All right, Gretch, coming up, I give myself a very mundane, boring demerit.
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Maybe you're a person who doesn't have many traditions around the new year.
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Yeah.
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Alyssa, when we're together for the holidays, we end up going to Whole Foods Market every day.
There's so many things that we need.
Like we're going to a party and one of us needs to bring a gift for the host.
They have these expert curated cheeses and crackers that everybody loves.
They have excellent limited-time seasonal desserts, like holiday rum cake, creamy bouche de Noël, which is one of our family's favorites, and more.
Plus, they have these show-stopping things for the table like bone-in spiral-cut ham.
Well Gretchen, I love that they have heat and eat sides from the prepared foods department, because you know that I am not much of a cook.
So heat and serve is something I can do.
And they have floral, Gretchen.
So you can bring a nice bouquet of flowers if you're going to someone's house.
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Okay Elizabeth, this is an even-numbered episode, which means it's your turn to talk about a demerit.
And you have a very boring, mundane demerit.
But I find that most demerits are very boring and mundane, and that is part of what is so annoying about these demerits.
So what is this boring, mundane demerit of yours?
Okay, Gretchen, when I order from Amazon, I have a default shipping address, right?
As one does.
As one does.
And for some reason, right now, it's mom's address in Kansas City.
It's not my address.
And so I'm constantly almost sending something there, catching myself.
I know it's going to happen.
And I have not figured out how to change the default address.
So, Liz, I think we just have to do this live.
I think this is just something like let's just go in there and do it right now.
Isn't it one of those things where have you ever really like poked around and tried to do it?
Let's bring up the website and see what's see what is what.
OK, let me bring it up.
I'm there.
OK, I have something in my cart so I can maybe go to account.
Yeah, I would go to account.
Do you see in the top?
Yeah.
OK.
And then there's a box that says your addresses and it says edit, remove or set default address.
So that sounds like that's what you need.
Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, I see.
And then they all say, give you the option to set as default.
It's so simple.
Okay.
All right.
I just changed it.
We'll see if it works.
Okay.
Now, if I go back, it should be set.
Okay.
Go take a look.
See what it says.
Okay, so I'm going to... I'm very paranoid about this every time I switch it to something else.
I always pretend to order something to make sure that it switches back, because I don't trust the default.
I know.
I'm proceeding to check out.
There's something I do need to order my legend planner for 2026.
Oh, okay.
Yep, it's there.
That's an immediate gratification, I would say, on the demerit front.
Okay.
Yes.
Thank you.
And hopefully there are people out there who, like me, just haven't taken the 10 seconds to figure this out.
So for all of you guys, I hope that you set your default address correctly.
It is not hard.
So take the second and save yourself a lot of effort, because if something goes to the wrong place it's super annoying.
Gretchen, it happened to me the other day and I had to mail something for 16 because I accidentally sent it to me instead of to you, as a matter of fact,
Oh, yeah.
There you go.
All right, Gretchen, it's time for your gold star.
I have a feeling I might know the area for your gold star.
Yes.
We said we wouldn't talk about our father until we do our upcoming episode, where we really dedicate an episode to him and everything that we learned.
But we just have to give a giant gold star to our father.
He was just the most loving, the most wonderful father ever.
But listen, I think he knew how absolutely beloved he was.
That is such a comfort to me.
He was loved.
He knew that we thought he was the best dad in the world.
I think, don't you?
I 100% think that, which brings me so much comfort.
I've said that to so many friends that I felt there was nothing left to say.
I didn't need to tell him anything.
He knew.
One thing that's really nice, Gretchen, is he heard us talking about him.
Yes.
On the podcast all the time.
And I know he loved that.
And we would say what we'd learned and little phrases of his.
So I know that he got to hear that not just on his special occasion, but he got to hear it almost every week.
Yes, it is very, very comforting to think about that.
So just the biggest gold star in the world to our Father.
And I look forward to talking about it more, because there's a lot more to say, but we're still just too overwhelmed to think about how to talk about it, except amongst ourselves.
So that will be coming up.
And this week, the resource, well, we are coming to the end of Read 25 in 25.
We hope that all of you have loved reading as much as we have.
Our father certainly loved reading.
He was reading gigantic tomes, really challenging books right up until the end.
So go read a book.
We hope that you'll carry the Read 25 spirit into 2026.
And Elizabeth, on that note, what are you reading?
I am reading Full House by Janet Ivanovich.
And I am reading Possession by A.S.
Byatt.
And that's it for this episode of Happier.
Remember to try this at home.
Look for an occasion when you think, I could do better.
Let us know if you tried it and if it worked for you.
Thank you to our executive producer, Chuck Reed, and everyone at Lemonada.
And here is your rhyming reminder.
If you're a fan of the show, make sure your friends know.
Until next week, I'm Elizabeth Kraft.
And I'm Gretchen Rubin.
Thanks for joining us Onward and Upward.
Elizabeth, speaking of dad and his love of podcasts.
I mean, he loved our podcast the most, but I think one of my best daughterly gestures for him was telling him to listen to the In Our Time podcast because, oh my goodness, he loved the In Our Time podcast.
Yes, because he just loved history so much.
He liked that deep, deep, deep dive.
No detail too small for dad.
From the Onward Project.
Hi Gretchen, Craig Robinson and my little sister Michelle here.
We host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson.
We know you're the queen of giving advice so we wanted to get a few tips from you.
You know, Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes.
What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of major life transitions?
Craig and Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you.
Here are a few questions that might help us gain perspective.
So consider questions like this.
What activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me?
Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else but is not very important to me?
If I could magically change one habit in my life, what would I choose?
And here's a question.
Would I like to have more time in solitude restorative solitude or would I like to have more time with friends?
You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier.
With greater self-knowledge, we're better able to make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values.
In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get and the more grounded I feel when I'm going through a period of major change or transition.
For more great advice, search for IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson wherever you get podcasts.
You can listen to Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships, Kiki Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success, Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents, and so many more.
