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market. Hello and welcome to Happier, a podcast where we talk about strategies and solutions for building more happiness into our everyday lives.
This week, we'll talk about why it's fun to write a collection of your own family familect, and we share many excellent secrets of adulthood from listeners.
I'm Gretchen Rubin, a writer who studies happiness, good habits, secrets of adulthood, human nature.
I'm in my little home office here in New York City.
And joining me today from Los Angeles is my sister, Elizabeth Kraft. And Elizabeth, you are full of secrets of adulthood.
That's me, Elizabeth Kraft, a TV writer and producer living in LA.
And Gretchen, I have to tell you, I've been suggesting to everyone that they get your book, Secrets of Adulthood for Graduation Gifts and Father's Day Gifts.
Oh, what a good sister.
Thank you. But before we jump in, a few updates.
Nicole says, I wanted to share that Eleanor's advice about command hooks and strips has really been amazing for me.
Her advice to use command hooks makes me laugh because I'm 36, own a home, and have three kids.
I'm a full -fledged adult and I just loved how how Eleanor's dorm advice has struck a chord with me.
I've always had analysis paralysis when it comes to decorating my home.
For some reason, hanging art has felt too permanent.
I remember Elizabeth mentioning the same thing.
My walls have been bare and we moved into our home three years ago.
Now I'm using command strips to hang art.
This has helped me get over the fear of the art having a permanent spot on the wall.
I feel better that I can easily move it if and when I Change my mind about it in the future.
Realistically, I probably will never move it, but I like knowing I could if I wanted to.
I love this example of like how there's maybe an easy solution for something that feels like a really perplexing problem.
It is often that you just feel like I'll do nothing because I really don't want to make a mistake.
Yes. And this allows you to say like now the stakes are very low.
Yes, yes. Very true.
Love that. Love command hooks.
they are magic. Tish writes, I just listened to the Exceptional Advantage episode.
This is where we talked about asking yourself, well, what is an exceptional advantage that you have in your life or your circumstances or your personality?
And I headed right over to Lake Michigan, which is a six -minute drive from my home.
The proximity to the lake is my favorite thing about our town.
I always say I never want to live any further from the water than I am now, but I still don't go on any regular basis except for the month of August when I go every day.
I now resolve to drive by every time I am out in the car as it takes so little time to stop for a view.
My goal is a five -minute sit on a bench to start with, which easily fits into most days.
The first bench I headed to had a shiny penny under it.
Always a good sign.
Thank you for waking me up to my exceptional advantage.
I love that. It's like you with the Met, Gretch. Exactly.
Right. You have this resource.
You feel very lucky to have it, but you really have to take advantage of it if it's your exceptional advantage.
And this came from a listener about my mispronunciation, because I was talking about my summer of blank.
I've had my summer of Proust, my summer of Virginia Woolf, my summer of rereading, and this was going to be my summer of sundoku, but I should have said sundoku.
Tammy wrote, since it might come up a lot if this is going to be a summer of sundoku, the first syllable doesn't rhyme with sun. It rhymes with soon.
There's no sun sound in Japanese, the way we we pronounce that word in English.
Just think of it as Sudoku with an N, and you'll come pretty close.
So Sundoku. Thank you, Tammy.
And Gretchen, I am excited because you have an announcement.
I have to officially welcome you to the world of Substack, my favorite new world.
I know, and you've got your whole thing about anytime you can, you sort of, what is it?
You push a button and you say, please join me.
Sign up for our Substack.
Well, sign up for my Substack.
I have started a new project on Substack, partly inspired by you, Elizabeth, and it is called Secrets of Adulthood.
I am so excited for this new project.
This is where I am going to share reflections and teaching stories related to happiness, good habits, human nature, self -knowledge.
As I often say, for my whole life, I've been collecting aphorisms and proverbs and fables, parables, paradoxes, koans, all kinds of teaching stories.
And so this project is a way to share my writings on this to write them myself originally or to comment on other ones that I know.
I'll also be having a series of live conversations with other writers and thinkers about their own Secrets of Adulthood.
So if you want to learn more or if you want to subscribe, just search for Gretchen Rubin or Secrets of Adulthood in Substack.
Or if you want to go straight to it, it's secretsofadulthood .substack .com.
But you can just search. But I'm really excited, Alyssa.
It's so fun. Yes, I love it.
And a lot of people still aren't aware of Substack, but it's really just a place that has newsletters.
It has a feed where you can comment.
There's chat. It's got a lot of great stuff, and it's really not intimidating.
I think it sounds intimidating to people, but it really shouldn't.
And while you're there subscribing to Secrets of Adulthood, also subscribe to Happier in Hollywood.
Hollywood for our free weekly newsletter.
There, I said it. Now we need to get matching mugs.
I was going to get you a mug.
Now we need matching mugs.
Yes, exactly. So this week, our Tried This at Home suggestion is to write a collection of your familect.
Okay, I love this word. Describe what it means.
Okay. A familect, also called a marriage language, is a set of invented words or phrases with meanings understood within members of a family or other small, intimate group.
And this was inspired by a note from our listener, Robin, who was writing about her favorite words because her favorite words are family words.
Here's what she said.
Several years ago, I became acquainted with the idea of a familect, which is essentially the unique language your family communicates with, and I love the idea so much. I started of keeping a familect dictionary and it brings me so much joy to think about the quirky and whimsical things we say to our nearest and dearest that other people might find nonsensical or crazy.
A few examples. Sessy, a little unexpected present.
Lalashy, delicious.
Hemenhut, swimming suit.
Make them up, makeup.
Fufu juice, deodorant.
You get the idea. Anyhow, Now, just keeping these in a little list on my phone brings me a lot of joy every time I think of a new one to add.
That's so fun. It's so fun.
And listening to her list, a lot of times the way that words enter the familect is because a child cannot pronounce a word properly and then the whole family, or a child says something funny and then everybody just picks up on it.
I remember when Eleanor was really little, she said, please pass the pajamas when she meant please pass the parmesan.
And for a while we called parmesan pajamas.
pajamas. Now that's fallen out of our usage.
I just kind of remember it.
So this is one of the reasons that would be fun to make a list of it because sometimes they come in, but then they fade out again.
And it is really fun to remember them.
They really are kind of a timestamp and it's fun to have your own secret language within a family.
Yeah. So what are some other ones that you have, Gretch?
Well, Alyssa, can you remember why I might say this?
Because this goes way back to the Dawn of Time.
Sometimes when I like food is ready or like it's time for dinner, I'll say this way to the catfud.
Do you know what I'm referring to?
Totally. Gary Larson, Farside cartoon.
There's a hilarious cartoon of a of a dog trying to like entrap a cat.
So it says this way to the catfud, but it's been misspelled because the dog.
But anyway, it's funnier than it sounds from the description.
But I that's just stuck in my mind.
Another thing that I always say.
So when I was little, I used to read a cricket magazine, which are these very literary magazines magazines for children.
I still have them all.
They are super precious to me.
I probably have practically memorized them.
But at the bottom of it, kind of to have like a running little comic strip, but also to explain unfamiliar words or concepts to children.
So it sort of was like footnotes as well.
Were these little creatures, there'd be a ladybug and a cricket and all these sort of insects that were, because the name of the magazine was Cricket, and they would all be talking to each other.
But they would always say every buggy instead of everybody.
And so I will often say, like, where is every buggy?
Nobody else in my family says it, but I say that all the time.
But here's something funny also.
And you know, sometimes you say things without realizing it.
And so it's sort of part of your family life and you're not even conscious of it.
So I realized with Taffy, it's calling out in me some of the behaviors that I have as a parent of a new baby.
And I realized I had forgotten that I did this.
The minute I said it, I was like, oh, I did this with Barnaby.
I did this with Eliza.
I did this with Eleanor.
When I go to get them up out of their crib or their carrier with Taffy, I say, well, is there a little girl in here who wants to get up?
The minute it came out of my mouth, I'm like, oh my gosh, this is the thing that I said so many times.
But then, of course, when you're not doing that anymore, it fades away.
So Taffy brought that back to my mind.
So I will write that down in our family act.
How about you, what have you got?
Crutch, I am not whimsical in that way.
I wish I were. I feel like we don't really collect these um I will say Adam and Jack have pointed out that I always say at the ready like do we have the keys at the ready we want to have a sandwich at the ready oh but I don't have like made up words that's interesting part maybe partly because with an only child you don't have the siblings kind of a lot of times it comes it seems like from the younger sibling not being able to pronounce the older siblings name and things like that.
I don't know. That's interesting.
Yeah. Well, like Eleanor, her nickname in our family is Enno. And everybody calls her Enno sort of from time to time.
Or like if they're typing, they'll use Enno instead of Eleanor.
And that was because when Eleanor was little, she couldn't say her own name.
She would say Enno. That was her name for herself.
Well, it's interesting.
It probably is the case that some families are really much more prone to this than others, probably depending on their level of whimsy and like how many mispronunciations come up.
But also a familek can include phrases that have meanings.
And it's interesting, I was just, I'm reading this very delightful memoir called Look Back with Love by Dodie Smith.
And Dodie Smith, if you've ever read I Capture the Castle, which is this towering classic, super fun read.
She wrote that and she also kind of strangely also wrote 101 Dalmatians.
So it's kind of an odd mix of things.
But anyway, Look Back with Love is this just super charming, sweet memoir of her absolutely delightful childhood where she was surrounded by, she was an only child, and she was just surrounded by an adoring mother and aunts and uncles and grandparents and neighbors.
And anyway, it's very funny.
But one of the things she often talks about is the familect and how certain phrases, like there would be some funny story or something funny would happen, and then it would become a a catchphrase from then on.
So, for instance, she said that one of her uncles was always chasing and teasing the landlady's cat.
And the landlady would wail, don't touch a tail, don't touch a tail.
And that became the family synonym for like, leave well enough alone.
Or she says that when she was really little, she had a neighbor who was six years older who would play with her all the time.
But she would also just, because she was so much bigger every once in a while, she would just pick up Dodie Smith and hoist her around, which she did not enjoy.
And she would yell, you can't have me Muriel and that became a family saying too and again these are phrases that come into the familect and that have special meaning within your group well I want to try to start a familect because I love this idea it's very sweet well and I think it could also happen at work somebody said something's like super preposterous at a meeting and then it becomes kind of a catchphrase or people have some funny name for some project that you have to do that nobody likes I don't know you know it's part of And, you know, we often talk about, like, how do you increase the feelings of closeness?
And this is a way, having kind of a secret language.
It's like having a nickname.
It's like having nicknames for things that are not people.
So, it is really fun.
And I think that making a collection of it, we often talk about easy ways to hold onto memories, how to be a storehouse of family lore.
And this is the kind of thing that could be really, really fun to keep a running list. And over the years, it could be very satisfying to reflect back on it.
It would be a time capsule of your family life or your work life or whatever group.
And looking at it would bring back a very specific memory that you might forget, like waking up the girls before school.
Just saying that brings back those memories.
So I love this. Or please pass the pajamas, right?
Yes. Absolutely. Well, let us know if you do try this at home and how making a collection of your own familect works for you.
I have to say, Elizabeth, I'm not 100 % confident that we use the word properly every single time.
So anyway, you get the point.
Instagram, Threads, Facebook, TikTok.
Drop us an email at podcast at gretchenmovement .com.
Or as always, go to the show notes.
Go to happiercast .com slash 537 for everything related to this episode.
Coming up, we've got a tech organizing hack.
but first, this break.
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All right, Gretchen, we are back with this week's happiness hack.
This is something that I just did, and it's really making my life just feel that much smoother and quicker and more convenient, even though it's a matter of milliseconds.
Now, we have talked many times about the value of deleting a soul -sucking app.
Yes. Or if there's an app that you really need to keep, but you want to use it less, you like move it late into your swiping so that you have to swipe, swipe, swipe, or you put it in a folder so you have to click, click.
You want to make it inconvenient and put it out of reach. But this is to organize your apps.
And I've heard of people organizing their apps by color, which is very next level.
But I just realized that a lot of the apps that I use most regularly were like on the third screen, and some apps that I hardly ever used were on the home screen.
and I thought why don't I just take 30 seconds and just move things around and put like next to like I had two folders that had travel apps it's like we'll put those together so it's like the travel section and it works really well and by organizing them you can make it more convenient to do the things you want to do like let's say you want to encourage yourself to read more you put your e -reader or your library app where you listen to audiobooks that you've checked out from in the library.
You can put that on the home screen so that you just, it's very easy and you have the visual reminder.
And then like, if you don't want to check social media as much, you move that later.
So it's just further away.
This is smart. I should absolutely do this.
My apps are not organized at all.
And even though I use the same ones all the time, I'm always hunting for them.
So I love this idea.
Like for instance, my Libby app, which I use all the time is like in my fourth screen.
I should definitely have it on the home screen.
Next to podcast, next to Audible.
Right, exactly. That's like your audio entertainment.
You say, how long does it take?
Swipe, swipe, swipe, swipe.
But it's these little things that somehow just feel like a little bit of grit.
And then when it's just right there, life just feels easier.
And I realized that mine were extremely haphazard. So anyway, it's a small thing, but I get a lot of satisfaction out of it.
Oh, yay. And now for Secrets of Adulthood.
So in episode 523, our Try This at Home suggestion was to share one of your own Secrets of Adulthood.
We had so many great listeners' suggestions of their Secrets of Adulthood, and there's kind of a mix.
Some of these are proverbs or pieces of folk wisdom that people said, well, here's a piece of Secrets of Adulthood.
It's not that they wrote it, but it's something that they find really useful.
And then some are original.
So these are the listeners' own Secrets of Adulthood.
So there's kind of a mishmash of these, but they're They're all useful, and it was so fun to read all the ones that people sent.
Lenke's library on Instagram said, The people who do it are the people who do it.
That's worth thinking about.
Mrs. Roberts had three.
Nothing good happens after midnight.
Something is better than nothing.
And go slow to go fast. I often remind myself, go slow to go fast, because it's when I'm hurrying that I do things like spill an entire cup of coffee on my keyboard, etc. Yep.
Melanie said, if you have to do something every day or regularly, find a way to enjoy it.
Good advice. Seabrews1508 says, not my circus, not my monkeys.
I love this phrase for so many situations.
Yeah, I believe this is a Polish proverb.
Great proverb. Malin said, just because things could could have been different, doesn't mean they'd be better.
Very true. Reassuring.
Yeah. Michelle said, I never feel like doing the spin bike.
Never. Usually, I'm glad halfway through and definitely after.
We all relate to that.
Irene said, the anxious bunny survives.
Huh. OK. Liz says, our family motto is always carry a book and a sweater.
Amanda said, always ride the carousel.
Laura, don't attend every argument you're invited to.
Jennifer said, always take the high road.
There's less traffic there.
That's funny. Lucky says, everything in moderation.
And to that, I would say, do nothing in excess, even moderation.
Miranda says, it's rarely worth correcting someone.
I have to keep that in mind for sure.
Kim says, it's worth it to spend the money for good tires and good insurance.
Jen said, adults pretend they know what they are doing and no one notices most of the time.
Nana says, follow a routine, not your mood.
Suzy said, always check for toilet paper before you sit down.
This is a metaphor and also not.
Christine says, the cheapest car is the one you own.
Leslie said, do it right, right now.
now. Fun. Galson says, sleep begets sleep.
I remember this from having little kids.
You think they might sleep better if they skip their nap?
No, sleep begets sleep.
Kate says, Kate has several.
She says, it's always better in the morning after a good night's rest. You are the lead role in your own movie.
Everyone else is starring in their own.
When you worry about something that hasn't happened, you worry twice.
And finally, the laundry will never, ever be done.
Liz said, I tell my students the secret to life is to practice something you want to get good at.
Very true. Kate says, sometimes you make the right decision.
Sometimes you must make the decision right.
Yeah. Catherine said, the more I have to do, the more I get done.
That's a good self -knowledge assertion.
Marlene said, everything is a lesson.
I tell myself this message multiple times a day.
Sometimes the lesson we don't want to learn.
Lindsay said, my motto has always been life is best lived on simple pleasure.
So I have full freedom to throw myself into enjoying little treats, getting excited when I get to pet a new dog, gasping at an impactful sunrise or singing singing loudly in the car.
Well, and related, Brandy says, I never let my lack of ability inhibit my enthusiasm.
I have a terrible singing voice, but I love music.
So I sing. I sing every single song I know, regardless of the note or tune.
If we only do the things we are good at, we will do very little.
If we do the things we enjoy, we will enjoy a lot.
Leanne said, GEMO, G -E -M -O.
Good enough, move on.
Goes along with the Voltaire quote, Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good, which, Gretch, you say all the time.
All the time. I love Gimo.
Bailey says, It might be a little silly, but when I've learned in my years of horseback riding, don't squat with spurs on.
Okay. Tiffany says, Be kind to your future self.
Yes, we always say think of your future self.
Janet said, The saying from Jonathan Winters, if your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it.
This quote made me join a dating service in 1994.
1994, I met my husband and we were married in 1995.
30 years married now.
Congrats. Catherine said, two of my favorites.
It's easier to keep up than catch up.
That is very true when hiking.
Yeah. And then better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
I've heard you say that one, Elizabeth.
I say I'd rather be looking at it than looking for it.
which I got from a fellow writer who says that.
Which is a good example of how many aphorisms in Secrets of Adulthood are the same idea is expressed, the same core idea is expressed in different words, but that's part of the fun.
Arane has several. Once the text or email takes up the whole screen, it's best to speak directly.
Oh yeah, we've all done that.
Be prepared even if you don't know exactly what you're preparing for.
There are very few true emergencies.
emergencies most situations can benefit from a pause to consider your response you don't need to have an opinion about everything and one my physician shared with me in my daughter's early weeks stay calm okay let's see who does that remind you of our mother she always says that stay calm stay calm Karen says from Maya Angelou do the best you can till you know better then do do better.
It stops a lot of regrets of the, if I knew then, what I know now variety.
Kelly writes, people show you how they like to be treated by how they treat you.
Say someone you love always buys you experience days rather than actual gifts.
It's likely that that's their idea of a gift. This reminds me of the five love languages because that's one of the clues that you can have about what someone else's love language is because you look at what they do because that's probably what they value.
Yes. Patty says, Mine and my husband's is a nightcap is always a bad idea.
And you can control the choice you make, but not the consequence of that choice.
Very true. Brian writes, My mom has a few that make me laugh.
Look with your eyes, not with your mouth.
And once you stop, that's it.
She'd say the first when we asked where something was instead of actually looking.
And the second about getting through the day.
If she sat down, she might not get back up.
So she just kept moving.
Just get started and keep going.
Carmen says, I have two that come to mind.
One, you never regret reading the manual.
And two, you don't need to feel bad about things you don't need to feel bad about.
Helps me with regrets about making choices or not doing something perfectly.
Jennifer writes, don't ruin an apology with an excuse.
That's one to take to heart.
Barbie says this isn't phrased as an aphorism or secret of adulthood but something I frequently ask myself when I'm putting time and energy into doing something and wonder why I ask myself whose rule is this anyway am I doing something because my father mother boss husband neighbor always did it and so I do it too did I start a practice that seemed useful at the time and now isn't useful but I continue anyway well this sounds like a question and that's a good reminder for all All of us have, like, the value of questioning, like, why are we doing this anyway?
All right. Coming up, we have more Secrets of Adulthood from listeners.
But first, this break.
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And now we are back with more Secrets of Adulthood from listeners.
Katie writes, I love this idea and I cannot wait to read this book.
My secret of adulthood is that nobody cares.
This sounds harsh, but it's true.
It allows you to make decisions without hemming and hawing about what people think, because generally, they don't care.
This started off as a joke in my family, but it's become a reality.
It's easy to get offended when you first hear it, but it's really not offensive.
Nobody cares. So, sounds like this is part of her family act.
Yes. Leah says, I've started a new Secrets of Adulthood note on the journal app on my phone.
Thanks for this great idea.
Here are two of mine.
It's far better to over -communicate than to under -communicate.
And there is no peace without dialogue.
Presley writes, Living alone is highly valued in this country, but I find it leads to isolation and disconnectedness.
I'm a mental health therapist and often encourage my clients to consider living with other people as a way of helping with anxiety and depression.
Thought -provoking. And finally, Naomi says, my secret of adulthood is the anticipation is often worse than the actuality.
I have found this realization has helped me be able to go into new territories with less hesitation and with a more open mind.
Oh, I love that. Well, these were so great.
I feel like I could just read these forever.
I love the secret of adulthood.
Yes. And now, Gretchen, it's time for demerits and gold stars, and you are up this week with a happiness demerit.
This is a repeat, Samara, but I think I have learned my lesson.
Okay. So we have our puppy Taffy, who we love, but there's a lot of things about training her to go outside, not to bark, not to nip, to help her and Barnaby get along well, all these things.
And I, in my very upholder way, can get very up in my head about these are the rules.
This is the right way to do it.
Don't do it this way.
Do it that way. And Jamie was just said again, hey, you're criticizing my dog care.
And it's really annoying me.
And Jamie doesn't that often come out and say like, you are really driving me bonkers.
And so I was like, okay.
And I said, I've got it.
There is no one right way.
We are not going to ruin this dog.
She's a wonderful, wonderful dog.
She's sort of getting a grip on the situation and we're starting to understand her.
But I definitely was criticizing a lot of the things he was doing and he did not appreciate it.
So anyway, demerit to me.
I want to rein it back.
All right. It's stressful having a dog, you know?
And I think that's part of how I do my stress is like trying to super control everything.
All right, Gretch. Well, hopefully that will turn into a gold star for how well you're handling Jamie's dog care in the future.
Ashley, you gave me a gold star for this and I was like, I don't know that that would be a universal gold star, but maybe I will aspire to that gold star.
But Alyssa, in the meantime, what is your gold star?
All right. Well, Gretch, our listeners often write in that we should give ourselves more gold stars that we give ourselves demerits but we always give our gold stars to other people so I am giving myself a gold star this week I'm giving myself yeah why not I'm giving myself a gold star for just keeping my hustle going in Hollywood my writing partner Sarah and I are really putting pedal to the metal and going for it we've just decided to do everything.
We're working on weekends now we didn't used to.
So giving myself a gold star for that, Gretchen.
Yeah, you are keeping the hustle.
And the way your job is, you have to have so many projects going simultaneously.
And that is in itself challenging.
You have multiple projects in multiple stages, and they each have separate teams that are working on them.
It's a lot to manage.
Yes, I heap gold stars on you for keeping Keeping the hustle.
I like that phrase.
You're keeping the hustle.
Yes. And the resource for this week, we mentioned it up top, and here it comes at you again.
If you are interested in learning more about my new Substack, Secrets of Adulthood, or you want to subscribe, go ahead and subscribe.
You can go to secretsofadulthood .substack .com, or really, you can just search Substack and Gretchen Rubin, you know, and Substack, and you will find me there.
It is so fun. I'm really excited to be doing this project.
So, Elizabeth, what are we reading?
What are you reading?
I am still reading All the Way to the River by Elizabeth Gilbert.
And I am reading Modern Friendship by Anna Goldfarb.
And that's it for this episode of Happier.
Remember to try this at home.
Make a collection of your own familect.
Let us know if you tried it and how it worked for you.
Thank you to our executive producer, Chuck Reed, and everyone at Lemonada.
Here's your rhyming reminder.
If you love the show, please leave a review to let us know.
We really do appreciate it.
Until next week, I'm Elizabeth Kraft. And I'm Gretchen Rubin.
Thanks for joining us Onward and Upward. Elizabeth, I was trying to think of our familect growing up, and I couldn't really think of funny words we had for anything.
Not funny words. I was trying to remember what Dad always said when we arrived home from a trip.
He had something he always said.
I guess there was some old television show from when he was young where they would be, and as we bid farewell to the towering cliffs of Dover.
That's it. As we bid farewell.
He would always say it in this TV announcer way.
It was clearly an allusion to something that we never actually saw, but it was an allusion to something he knew.
But it was. It was like a tradition that he would, yeah, as we bid farewell.
Yes. And you know what?
Well, I think I do say that now that I think of it when we, Jack and Adam and I, leave some place.
I think I'll say is we bid a fond farewell to La Quinta.
I think I say it too.
We should go back to our voice memos from the hiking trip.
I think we might have said it there.
Oh, funny. From the Onward Project.
