Hello and welcome to welcome back to trying to care.
If you're new here, my name is ashley.
I upload every single monday and we just chat for a little bit.
I give you some advice, i give you some recommendations.
Sometimes i i just be yapping, but today i want to talk about this idea of going from enemies to lovers, but with yourself.
The idea to do this episode came to me from a pinterest meme actually, and the meme said enemies to lovers, but it's with myself, and i was like hell yeah absolutely yes i, i want to do an episode on that.
Enemies to lover stories usually start out with two people who absolutely despise each other.
Everything that person does is so annoying, they're so frustrating, they just get under your skin.
The thing about hating someone that much is it's passionate.
You feel so deeply for that person even if it's not in a loving way.
You hate them with a burning passion.
But the thing about passion is it can switch.
You hate them, but you're constantly thinking about them.
So what if, somewhere between you thinking about them, you start viewing them as who they are rather than who you believe them to be?
Instead of villainizing them, you start looking at them as a person with feelings and you start to at least try to understand them and the things that they've gone through.
And you see them as more than just their mistakes or their imperfections.
Well, that's when the passion might just turn from hate into love.
Take Blair and Chuck Bass from Gossip Girl, for example.
Spoiler if you haven't watched, but I mean, come on, it's been over 10 years.
I just started watching.
Well, I just finished it.
But like it's been 10 years.
If you were going to watch it, you probably would have watched it by now.
But they are the classic enemies to lovers story.
Blair couldn't stand Chuck.
They spent years going back and forth, fighting with each other, manipulating each other, until eventually they realized how much chemistry they had and how no one could ever understand each of them better than each other.
So what if we started looking at our relationship with ourselves the same way?
What if, instead of attacking ourselves and constantly looking down on ourselves and picking ourselves apart, we actually gave ourselves a chance and learned to not only like ourselves, but love ourselves?
I would argue that we are our biggest haters.
At some point in your life, you disliked yourself more than anyone ever could.
Of course, there are people that we believe are out to get us, like mean girls ex-lovers, our mothers, random people on the internet, But I truly believe there's no one who thinks more about you than you think about yourself.
There's no one who talks more negatively about you than yourself.
And that's the scary thing to own up to, because here we are being like I don't get why this person so means me.
I don't get why this person's constantly talking about me.
I don't get what I did to deserve this mistreatment.
Meanwhile, we are being 10 times meaner to ourselves, whether that's negative self-talk self-sabotage, judging yourself, doubting yourself, comparing yourself to others.
And, unlike an online bully who comments something mean and then logs off, the hate that you give yourself sticks with you.
It's not a one-time job.
It's not a gotcha moment.
It's a continuous stream of negative thoughts that won't stop until you make a conscious effort to.
It becomes so automatic that everything that you do, everything that you say is despicable.
And you believe the hate that you're receiving from yourself is warranted.
You believe every negative thought you have all because it's you.
So it must be true.
You know, You can shrug off a mean comment that someone makes about you and say well, they don't know me.
That's not true.
But when it comes from yourself, you're like, okay, well, it must be true.
I must just be terrible and unworthy of love and not good enough.
When you have this type of relationship with yourself, where you dislike yourself, where you hate yourself, Everything that you do in your eyes is wrong.
You're your biggest hater, you're your biggest critic and you hold yourself to an impossible standard.
Someone could make the same exact mistakes as you, but when you do it, you use it as evidence for why you're a terrible person, why you're not going anywhere in life, why no one's going to love you.
You use it as proof of you failing, rather than just looking at it as part of the process and something that happens to everyone.
This episode is sponsored by Fabletics.
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The most beloved people in your life your best friend, your partner, your siblings, your parents.
They could do the same exact thing as you make the same exact mistakes.
And you'll look at them and say, it's okay.
It's not a big deal.
You did your best.
And then you look at yourself in the mirror and say, you're a fuck up.
You can't do anything right.
What is wrong with you?
And it's not because you're lying to the other person and you think they're a fuck up.
It's just you have more grace with them than yourself.
You're much more understanding with them than you are with yourself.
You look at yourself and think, you should have known better.
You should have done better.
Which isn't fair.
The thing that I've come to realize when it comes to acting and feeling this way towards yourself is it's not really you.
I have had a very difficult relationship with myself where I have been really mean to myself.
I've picked myself apart.
I've judged myself so harshly.
I've held myself to this impossible standard.
I've held myself back from doing what I wanted.
I've compared myself to others.
I've convinced myself that I'm unworthy of good things.
But I didn't choose to feel that way about myself.
I didn't choose to be my biggest hater.
And it didn't happen overnight.
These negative thoughts that I had about myself, all the voices in my head telling me that I'm the worst and that I'm a fuck up and whatever.
They weren't me.
It was a mix of past criticism, past rejection, past mistakes, and things that I've internalized.
Things people have said to me and the bad experiences that I've had.
Looking back at all the mean things that I would say to myself, it's so obvious that it wasn't me.
I would look at myself in the mirror and say you're so ugly, you're so stupid, you're so unworthy of love, and it's like i would never say that.
I would never say that to anyone.
That wasn't me talking.
When i really pay attention to the words that i'd say to myself i I can now recognize that those words sound a lot more like the girl who called me a whore for dating a senior my freshman year, and the boy who made fun of me for being a year behind in science class, and My ex, who would send me paragraphs telling me how unlovable I am.
I internalized so much of what other people would say to me that I started to believe the thoughts I was having about myself were my own.
I started to believe that I really thought that way about myself, but I didn't.
Those were just borrowed voices.
Once you realize that this voice that's been tearing you down isn't really you, you can start talking back to it and replacing it with voices that align more with who you want to be and how you want to feel.
It's kind of like finding out that someone who you thought was talking badly about you actually wasn't the one talking bad about you at all.
You're glad that you were wrong about them, but it's still going to take time to rebuild that relationship with that person or start a relationship with that person, because you're still vulnerable and kind of on edge.
That's what it's going to be like rebuilding a relationship with yourself.
You're not going to say one positive self-affirmation to yourself and then immediately love yourself.
It's going to take time to undo a lot of the damage that's been done and it's going to take time to learn to trust yourself and to like yourself.
So how do you get over and move through your difficult relationship with yourself?
The first thing that you need to do is confront your demons and try your best to make sense of why you feel the way that you do.
Take me for example.
I was feeling that way about myself because of the things people had said to me and how they made me feel.
Without those experiences, without those people saying those horrible things to me, there's a good chance I wouldn't have been thinking those things and feeling that way about me.
This episode is sponsored by Green Chef.
The next couple months are my favorite part of the year.
I love fall.
I love winter.
I love all of the holidays.
But what I love even more is the food.
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Something that really helped me was looking at others' hatred, or even people that I've been mean to, and examining it.
A person isn't a hater for no reason.
There is either something that's bothering them, that's not being resolved, something that's happened to them that they haven't worked through, or there's something they want that someone else has.
For example, teenage girls are often pretty mean to other teenage girls because of jealousy, whether that be because another girl is pretty or another girl is liked or there's a guy that likes that girl.
But the girl isn't doing anything wrong.
There's no valid reason for her to be hated on.
The hate is coming from projection, because the girl that's being mean to her or bullying her either feels ugly, feels rejected or wants to have that guy.
Figure out what your why is.
What is causing you to feel the way that you do?
When you doubt yourself, where does that come from?
You didn't just wake up one day and decide that you suck.
There's something or someone who made you feel that way.
Was it a parent that constantly was telling you that you weren't good enough?
Was it someone who made fun of you when you actually tried and put in effort and now you're afraid of rejection?
Was it a time where you tried really hard and you ended up failing, and now you're afraid of that happening again?
When you point out things in the mirror that you don't like, why do you feel that way?
What made you start hating your nose?
What made you start hating your smile?
Was it seeing someone else be praised for a nose that doesn't look like yours?
Was it someone pointing out that you have a crooked tooth?
Like do you actually not like these things about yourself, or are you internalizing things that people have said that they don't like about you?
Breaking down why you feel the way that you feel about yourself is how you're going to overcome it.
You can't overcome it without understanding it.
Once you understand your thoughts and you understand your feelings, then you can make the decision to break apart from them and begin to build on who you want to be and how you want to feel about yourself.
The second thing that you're going to do is align yourself with things that you like and that you appreciate in other people.
Identify what you look for in another person, in friends, in partners, in celebrities and strangers you follow on the internet.
What are things that you like about these people or that you admire about these people that led you to a relationship with them or following their lives so closely online?
This episode is sponsored by Ollie.
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There are things about these people that initially drew you to them.
What were they?
Was it their kindness?
How easy they are to talk to?
Their political views?
Their beliefs?
The way they speak?
The way they look?
How successful they are?
These are all things that might be important to you in some way.
Ask yourself, am I aligned with these people?
Do I also have these traits that I admire?
If I were to stand in a room with this influencer that I follow online, would we have anything in common?
Am I showing up in the ways that I'm expecting and wanting the people I surround myself with too?
It's going to be a lot easier for you to like yourself and enjoy your own company if you're someone who you would actually enjoy spending time with.
Sometimes you need to take a step out of your body and look at yourself from an outside perspective and ask yourself Am I someone who I'd want to be friends with?
Am I someone who I'd want to date?
Am I someone who I'd want to follow on social media?
It's much easier to like yourself if you're doing things that you actually enjoy and you're living in alignment with your beliefs and you're living up to your own standards.
If you look at someone who's known for being unproductive and lazy and that turns you off, Of course you're not going to like yourself if you're doing the exact same thing.
You are not the exception to your dissatisfaction.
The things that you don't like in other people, you're not going to like in yourself.
If anything, you're going to dislike that more in yourself.
So if you find yourself doing things that you don't like in other people, do something about it.
Change it.
Be the person that you would want to follow on social media.
Be the person that you would want to hang out with.
Be the person that you would want to be in a relationship with.
Which leads me to the third thing that you're going to do.
You're going to identify the things that you don't like about yourself and, instead of hating on yourself for these things, you're going to change them.
For example, a lot of people don't like their jobs and they get so upset that they're at this job that doesn't pay well, that isn't aligned with what they actually want to do and that they're miserable at.
All they do is think about how much they hate it and how much they don't want to be there, and they bitch and they moan.
There's nothing productive about staying where you don't belong.
Yes, it sucks that you're in this position, but the good thing is you're not stuck in that position.
You have the option to change it, but instead you choose it.
It's like picking out a shirt that you hate and getting upset that you're wearing it, when you have an entire closet of clothes staring back at you of other shirts you can try on.
Don't get stuck fixating on something that you don't like.
Acknowledge that you don't like it, then take action to do something about it.
If you don't like the fact that you're a people pleaser and that your friends walk all over, you make it a goal of yours to set boundaries and actually enforce them.
If you don't like the fact that you're unproductive or that you're lazy, Make it a goal of yours to set intentions every day and actually finish them, like cleaning your house or getting all of your work done before you allow yourself to go on your phone.
When you align yourself more with things and people that you actually appreciate and are important to you and you live in alignment with who you truly are, that's when you start to appreciate and enjoy yourself more.
Anytime you go against your desires and what you actually want out of your life, the more you resent yourself, because you're actively choosing things and choosing people that you don't want.
Resentment happens when you feel like you're being done wrong.
You feel like you're being treated unfairly or your needs aren't being met.
It's like if you're a little kid and you're so explicit with what you want for your birthday or what you want for Christmas, but every year your family gets you a present that you didn't ask for or they get you a present that they think you would like, rather than just giving you what you actually want and what you asked for.
You ask for a new doll and you get a new pair of socks and a toothbrush.
People might say, oh, you're so selfish.
You're so spoiled for not being appreciative of those gifts.
But resentment builds up because this person is choosing to ignore your desires.
They're choosing to do what they want because they feel as if it's more important than what you want.
It makes you feel like they don't care about you.
It makes you feel like they don't pay attention to you.
The same thing with a romantic partner.
You could lay everything out that you want.
You could say, I want flowers.
I want more affection.
I want you to plan a date.
I want you to compliment me.
You tell them exactly what you want.
So all they have to do is take action, but they consistently don't.
They decide not to and it hurts and it builds up resentment because your needs aren't being met.
It's this mixed emotion of anger but ultimately hurt and disappointment and just feeling let down.
The same thing happens with yourself.
You know what you want, but you choose not to go after it, whether it's because you're scared to or you feel like you don't deserve it, or you think you know other people's needs are more important than yours.
Your friends and family would be upset if you left this job and pursued what you actually wanted to do.
So instead of doing what you want, you stay at the shitty job.
Sure, you please your friends and you please your family and you nurture that connection with them, but you end up ignoring the connection with yourself.
You end up ignoring your needs and your desires for someone else.
Your needs are just as important as everyone else's.
So, instead of dropping everything to please other people, think about yourself for once and do things that are going to make you happy.
If you're not currently happy with what you're doing or who you are, change it.
The fourth thing that you're going to do is give yourself a reason to love yourself.
The thing that people don't understand is most of us don't start off with this unconditional love for ourselves.
We just have acceptance.
You know, I am who I am.
I'm stuck with who I am.
I unfortunately was not born in Nepal, baby.
I'm just me.
There's people in your life that you feel this way about as well.
You don't really like them, but you accept them.
Usually this is like a family member.
You might not love them and they haven't given you any reason to love them.
You know they're not nice to you, they aren't there for you, there's no real connection between you two, but you acknowledge and accept the fact that they're blood.
It's acceptance, it's.
I can't change this thing, it is what it is.
So for the people who are just at that level of acceptance or at hating yourself, you need to give yourself reasons to love yourself.
You're not going to just love yourself by existing or telling yourself that you need to love you.
There are people in your life that you do love, and the reason that you love them is because they gave you reasons to love them.
Your boyfriend or your girlfriend made you love them because of how kind and caring they are.
That friend made you love them because they're always there for you.
That celebrity gave you a reason to love them, because they created art that you resonate with so deeply.
You need to give yourself reasons to love yourself.
Being you and not doing the work isn't enough.
So figure out what you love and what you want to do and then give it to yourself.
Hang out with your friends.
Pursue that dream of yours.
Take yourself out on dates.
Eat really good food.
Listen to really good music.
Show up for the people in your life.
Do acts of kindness.
Give yourself a reason to love you and to respect you and to want to be around you.
Once you're able to get to a place where you don't hate yourself and you're in this process of building a better relationship with yourself, you can then start to learn how to love yourself properly.
So first you're going to figure out who you are and work on having a good sense of self.
A lot of us have a difficult time answering basic questions about ourselves like who's your favorite singer?
What's your favorite color?
What's your favorite food?
What do you like to do?
How would you describe yourself?
We get asked these kinds of questions during icebreakers and we dread it.
We feel so uncomfortable even though it should be easy.
You're with you all the time.
You should know these things.
The reason it's hard is because we don't pay attention.
We don't give ourselves the same time and energy that we give to other people, because a lot of us don't believe that we deserve that.
If you were to ask me those questions about my fiance, I could answer them with no problem.
Think of all the people that you love.
Think about the people that you admire.
Think about a celebrity that you enjoy.
If you were to be asked those questions about them, more than likely you would have an easier time answering for them than yourself.
Another reason we have a difficult time describing ourselves and being sure of who we are is we're constantly trying to change ourselves to be anything other than ourselves.
When you don't have a true sense of self, when you're not solid in who you are and you don't like who you are.
You believe other people know more than you.
They have better ideas than you or they have better judgment than you.
We might like something, but then someone rips into it and says it's lame or it's stupid.
So out of fear of being labeled those things too or being rejected.
We pivot and try to find something more popular to like.
When you're always doing this, when you're always looking for things that you think other people would like, rather than listening and following your own ideas and your own interests, you lose sight of what you actually like and who you actually are.
You want to get to the same place that you are when you think of other people and you describe other people.
You want to be able to identify yourself without questioning it.
Being able to answer, who am I?
What am I like?
What do I like to do?
What are things that I like?
And not be scared to admit those things.
You want to be excited.
Like imagine if you met someone tomorrow who liked all the same things that you do.
Imagine if someone came up to you and they were like, this is my favorite artist.
This is my favorite food.
This is my favorite thing to do.
And you liked all the same things.
You would absolutely want to continue talking with them and hanging out with them, because you align with them.
That's how you should feel about yourself.
You should think you're so cool.
The best thing that you can do is figure out what are things that you love and that you want more of in your life, and then align yourself with those things and work every single day at getting closer to becoming those things or having more of those things in your life.
Once you have these set in stone and you have a solid sense of identity, it's going to be easier for you to love yourself, because you know yourself and you actually like these things about yourself.
A lot of the time when something bad happens to us or someone does something hurtful to us and we don't have a solid foundation or a good sense of self, we allow those words or those actions to break us down and make us hate ourselves more.
It adds to the list of reasons why we don't like ourselves or why we want to change ourselves.
But if you know who you are and you like who you are, when those bad things happen or when people come to try to knock you down, they won't be able to.
And their opinions won't make you feel like you have to change who you are for their approval.
The second thing they're going to do is start talking to yourself like someone that you love.
When you're having a difficult time loving yourself, when you're feeling insecure, when you're feeling inadequate, when you just aren't happy with yourself, the voices in your head get louder.
It's not going to be easy, but I've learned that the more that I allow myself to speak negatively about me and think negative thoughts about me, the more I feel that way about myself.
It's all I can focus on.
It's all I can see.
I mean, I start... picking myself apart like crazy.
I start looking for more reasons why I don't like myself and why I'm not good enough and why I'm unworthy of love.
It's an endless cycle of hatred toward yourself.
And the only way to break that cycle is to speak kindly to yourself.
This isn't an easy thing to do, especially when you're not used to speaking nicely to yourself, because it's become a habit.
Speaking not nice to yourself is what you're used to.
But the best way to break a habit is to replace it with a new one.
So whenever you catch yourself about to say something mean to you or think something bad about yourself, you're going to stop yourself and think of one thing that you like about yourself.
At first, that might be hard to do.
It may be hard to find something that you like, and if that's the case, You're going to think of one thing that you did good that day, or one time that you felt pretty, or one time that you did a hard thing, and keep yourself on that thought.
Another thing that helps me give myself grace and stop myself from bullying me is is reminding myself the things that I'm thinking and saying about myself.
I would never think or say to someone that I love.
I would never negatively comment on my partners or my friends or my family's body.
I would never tell them that their dreams are unrealistic and that it's not going to work out for them.
I would never look at them and say, that person's prettier than you, that person's hotter than you.
But these are things that a lot of us say to ourselves and we normalize it.
Instead of normalizing that behavior, normalize speaking kinder to yourself, being softer with yourself, giving yourself more grace, reminding yourself that you're a person with feelings and that you're doing your best and you're doing a good job because you've made it all the way here.
And then the third thing that you're going to do is give yourself the love that you keep asking for or giving to other people.
Think of all the things that you've asked for in a partner or that you've gotten upset that you didn't get from a partner and show up in that way for yourself.
When we ask for certain things from a certain someone and they don't give it to us, it hurts because we feel as though we're not deserving of those things.
Otherwise, they'd give them to us.
For example, flowers.
When your significant other doesn't give you flowers.
You might think I guess I'm not worthy of that.
I'm not worthy of being loved the way that I want.
Instead of thinking that way, try to reframe it.
You're not doing anything wrong.
For you to believe that you're undeserving because someone else isn't giving you something is crazy.
Just because someone refuses to give you something, whether that be physically or emotionally, doesn't mean you're not deserving of it.
Try to use that logic on a friend of yours.
Imagine your friend came to you and said my boyfriend won't buy me flowers, even though I keep telling him how much I want flowers and I just I must not be deserving enough for it.
Otherwise he'd get me flowers.
You would look her up and down and be like, are you joking?
You really think that you're not deserving of flowers because a guy can't get off his stupid lazy ass and go to the store and spend 5 on flowers for you?
Make it make sense.
It makes no sense.
It has nothing to do with her.
His lack of trying or his lack of care doesn't have anything to do with her.
You're deserving of having your needs met.
You're deserving of having all of your desires.
What's happening has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with the fact that that person is just unable to give it to you, whether it's because they don't want to or they don't know how to.
It's not because you lack anything.
So throw out that thinking and, instead of waiting for that person to give you those things and to validate your worth, Give those things to yourself.
Or if you're someone who gives a lot to other people, you're constantly telling them how great they are.
You're constantly dropping everything for them.
You're doing these thoughtful acts of love for them.
You don't need to stop doing that.
But you do need to start pouring that same amount of energy into yourself.
You're giving all of that to them because you believe they're deserving of that.
But you're deserving of that too.
Buy yourself flowers.
Take yourself to lunch.
Say your positive self-affirmations daily.
Write yourself love letters.
Have a self-care night.
The more intentional you are with yourself and with your time, the more you will grow to love yourself, just as you would if a partner or a friend was doing that for you.
Give your love languages to yourself.
However you expect your partner to show up for you, or how you want a partner to show up for you, be that person for yourself.
Show yourself how much you mean to you.
You're not going to love yourself by just existing.
Just like any other relationship, you need to nurture that relationship with you.
You need to show up every single day, even when it's hard, even when you don't like yourself.
If anything, You need to show up more on those days.
Give yourself the love you keep trying to give to other people and get from other people.
That is where I'm going to end today's episode.
I hope that it was helpful in some way and encourages you to work on your relationship with yourself, if that's something that's been struggling.
I think it's important to remember that The relationship with yourself is something that you need to work on every day.
It's not something that needs to be your number one priority every single day.
You don't have to be dedicating 10 hours of self-improvement work daily.
But making an effort to be kinder to yourself, give yourself grace, take time for your interests.
It's important.
Let me know what you thought about today's episode.
You can let me know on Spotify or in the group chat linked in the show notes.
You can let me know on Instagram and TikTok.
Those are also linked in the show notes.
If you haven't already, make sure to rate Try Not To Care on Spotify and Apple.
It really helps me out and I really appreciate it.
That's all for today, folks.
I love you and I will talk to you next Monday.
