In my experience, one of the greatest challenges in going through a breakup is not actually the breakup conversation itself, although that conversation sucks and is incredibly painful.
At least during that conversation, you're still with your partner.
I mean, you're breaking up, but technically you're with them.
I mean...
If you're breaking up in person, I guess sometimes people break up over the phone.
But even then, at least you're talking to them.
You're still in contact with your partner, even when you're breaking up with them.
I think one of the greatest challenges during a breakup is actually the weeks and the months that follow that are filled with these fits of unbearable heartbreak and yearning for your ex, where all you want to do is just text them and reconnect.
All you want to do in the world is just...
Say I miss you.
Say can we talk?
All you want to do is just feel a little bit of connection between the two of you again.
Because in the weeks and the months that follow, the reality really starts to set in, because you're living the reality.
You're experiencing your new reality, where you're not in daily contact with this person that you've been in daily contact with before for months years, decades.
And it's so incredibly painful.
And there are these moments of like, I don't even know what the word is for it.
I can't even describe it.
These moments of absolute chaos, right?
In your brain where you feel like your skin is like itchy, like you, just like you're, just you're like itching.
All you want to do is like text your ex.
And it's so unbearable, and it's so uncomfortable and it's so overwhelming that it almost seems like this impossible feat to not do it.
Like, how am I going to not do it?
It's all I want to do right now.
And yet, texting your ex is probably not a good idea.
That's not to say that there's never a time to reach out to your ex.
There is.
Sometimes it is appropriate to reach out to your ex.
If you've chosen to stay friends and perhaps you walk by something in a store.
Perhaps it's like a holiday display for a peppermint chocolate bar.
And that reminds you of your ex and maybe you haven't talked to them in a few months and you don't really feel desperate to talk to them, but it made you think of them and you guys are on good terms.
And so you snap a picture of it and send it over and say, OMG, thought of you.
You need to go buy this right now.
You know that might be appropriate if it's not coming from a place of desperation and agony.
And it's been enough time where, you know, you're feeling comfortable with the breakup.
Perhaps It's been a few years and maybe you want to reconnect and try things again.
And you're not coming from a place of desperation, but rather curiosity.
And perhaps you heard through the grapevine that your ex is single and maybe you want to try going on a date again.
It's been enough years now that... you're not feeling this urgency, this desperation.
You're more just curious and maybe you always had an inkling that you two would work out and you kind of want to just see.
Yeah, there are times when reaching out to an ex is appropriate, but it's not when you want to reach out to an ex the most.
When you're imploding or maybe exploding, I don't know.
When you're imploding or exploding with pain due to the breakup, when all you want is to just reconnect with your ex and you feel like if you don't do it, like you don't know what's going to happen, like your brain is going to melt out of your ears.
That is when you should not reach out to your ex, because that's a sign that you're really not recovered yet.
And talking to your ex will just reopen the wound.
Breakups are literal wounds.
Like I look at a breakup fully as a wound.
When you think about a wound, let's think about like a big cut. on your leg.
Let's say you dropped a knife.
It's kind of gory, but let's say you dropped a knife and it sliced your leg open, right?
How do you heal that wound?
Well, you put some healing ointment on it.
Well, you clean it first, of course, you clean it.
And then you put some healing ointment on it, and then you put band-aids on it, and then you continue to do that every single day until eventually it goes away.
And there's a good chance you'll have a scar forever.
But once it's a scar, you know it might be a little bit tender sometimes when you press on it, but it's like, it's fine.
It's just kind of skin again maybe, with just like a few lumps going on.
It's the exact same thing with a relationship.
When you break up, it's almost like you get a slice on your leg and then, after you break up, you have to take care of that wound in order for it to properly heal.
And how do you take care of that wound?
You need to take proper care of yourself and maintain boundaries in order to move on from that person.
The only way that that wound heals up is if you move on from the relationship.
And unfortunately, when you reach out to an ex...
It's like taking all the bandages off and like digging your fingers in the wound and scratching around.
You're prolonging the healing process.
Maybe you're not digging your nails into the wound and scratching around.
Well, I would say, digging your hand into the wound and scratching around would be reaching out to your ex, going over to their house and having sex with them.
That is digging your fucking hand into the wound, scratching around, pouring salt in it, rubbing dirt in it, and then, like putting band-aids back on it so that the dirt can't even get out and then getting an infection.
It's the worst possible thing you could do during a breakup.
Is it inevitable?
No, it's not.
But does it happen sometimes?
Yes.
Like, is it okay if it happens?
Yes.
It just prolongs the healing process.
But there's also like nothing wrong with it.
You know it's like a lot of times it's a part of our journey during a breakup is to reach out to the ex, reconnect a little bit, reopen the wound, just to ultimately come to the conclusion that it hasn't been long enough.
We're both not are not ready to talk again.
Neither of us have changed.
If we were to get back into a relationship, it would be the exact same thing all over again.
And it would be a catastrophe.
We actually need to probably not speak for a little bit.
And then you start cleaning out that wound again.
And, you know, you begin the healing process all over again.
But it's tough.
It's tough because I know the feeling of just itching to text an ex.
So much so that actually one time, I remember I was going through a breakup.
This was many years ago.
And I hadn't talked to my ex for a few months.
And my ex actually reached out to me.
How fun is that?
I got a little hey, capital H-E-Y, hey.
And I was looking at it and all I wanted was to respond.
But this particular boyfriend had really put me through the wringer. to be honest.
It was a turbulent one.
And we did not end on the friendliest terms.
I was a bit angry about a few things.
So I felt that with this particular breakup, no contact was the best and healthiest option for me.
You know, like completely no contact.
And so getting this text message that said hey was a bit of a curveball for me, because I was planning on not talking to this person ever again, because I thought that that was the best option.
And then they said hey, and I was like well, now what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Like they reached out first and now I have to like not respond.
But deep down, I knew I shouldn't respond, but I wanted to so badly.
And it was so excruciating.
And I was so upset.
I was screaming, crying.
I just wanted to respond.
So bad that I threw my phone at the wall and shattered it because I couldn't handle it.
I am not a particularly angry person, but I have thrown my phone and shattered it twice in my life.
And that was one of the times.
But anyway, in my opinion, this is one of the most challenging elements of a breakup.
And in the moment it can seem like there is nothing else in the world that would make you feel better than to text your ex.
But the truth is there are a lot of things that you can do that might not feel as good in the moment, but can help you ride through that feeling and get to the other side.
Because that's the key, right?
When you have this agonizing craving to talk to your ex And again, as I mentioned earlier, that's when you shouldn't talk to your ex when you feel this agonizing feeling of like oh, I need to talk to them.
That's when you should not reach out.
If you should reach out at all, it should be coming from a place of security and And a sense of calmness, like it shouldn't be coming from a place of desperation.
It should be because perhaps you've chosen to stay friends and you know it feels organic and it feels natural.
And it also isn't coming with any sort of expectation of say, getting back together or like fully reconnecting right.
The key to riding through the agonizing feeling is time.
Because it will pass.
It always does.
But in the moment, it feels like it's never going to pass.
And sitting in that feeling, staring at your phone crying, wanting to text your ex, definitely doesn't make the time pass faster.
It makes the time pass slower.
It's like watching paint dry.
And in my experience, the most helpful thing that you can do is focus on something else.
Do something else.
Which is incredibly challenging, because the feeling is so overwhelming that, like it's not, like you can just sit down and crack open a book and start reading.
It's not like you can just step outside and go on a walk with no headphones in or no one to talk to on the phone.
Like.
These moments are so intense that they require a very specific type of distraction at least in my experience or else it's just not going to work.
Like it's easy for me to just sit here and say, you want to text your ex?
Well, don't.
Watch a movie, you know, watch a documentary.
It's like Yeah, then you're just going to have the documentary on in the background, while you stare at your phone and cry and want to text your ex.
It requires a very specific type of activity.
And it also, I think, requires a level of mindfulness to be like OK, I'm about, I'm spiraling about this.
Either I'm about to spiral about this or I am actively spiraling about this.
I need to pivot.
I need to do something else.
I need to take action and do something else and distract myself from Or actively address the negative feelings that I'm feeling.
That can also be a helpful form of distraction, but also in some ways maybe not like resolution, but you're actively addressing your negative feelings and maybe not fully resolving them, but like kind of straightening out your mind a little bit.
But it can be very hard when in a spiral, to gather your thoughts enough to figure out what to do.
You know,
And that's why I'm making this episode.
This is an episode that I think you need to bookmark for the next time that you want to text your ex.
And I'm about to give you a plethora of things that you could do instead of texting your ex.
I'm about to give you a plethora of things that you can do to help pivot your energy.
And a You know, as I'm listing them out, you might be like, yeah, I could have came up with that.
But in the moment, during the spiral, it is very hard to think clearly.
It's such an intense feeling.
And it's also hard to motivate.
These are a lot of these things are things that I've done when I've wanted to text my ex, you know.
These are methods that I've tried myself and I know work, because there's also things that I've tried that don't work.
And even if some of them may seem obvious in the heat of the moment, for whatever reason, nothing's obvious.
So you know what, save this episode.
I mean, listen, if you're going through it right now, listen to it.
You can save this episode for later, or you can just listen now and keep these ideas in the back of your head for the next time that you're in a situation where you're gonna need these things.
Without further ado, Let's begin.
I think one of the most helpful things you can do in a moment like this is text call, hang out with someone.
Just get in contact with someone else.
Because even though it's not going to be the same, right?
Like calling your mom, calling your best friend, you know, meeting up with your grandma for a cup of tea.
Like, listen, it's not the same, right?
It's like if you're really craving, I don't know, a donut, right?
And instead of eating the donut, you like try to make like a healthier version.
Like it's just not going to hit the spot, really.
It's never, it's not the same, but it kind of works in the beginning.
But the real value of reaching out to somebody is you can talk through it.
Like it's very challenging to deal with these types of feelings alone, because it's almost like your emotions are like a pot of boiling water.
Okay,
If you put the lid on the boiling water, it'll boil harder and faster, okay?
And also, I don't really think it evaporates because the lid is on, so there's nowhere for it to go.
So all the emotions just stay inside.
Whereas if you were to boil water on a stove with no lid, the water eventually will all evaporate.
It's the same thing with your emotions.
If it's all inside of you, the lid is on.
It just boils and circulates and it doesn't have anywhere to go.
If you open up to somebody, you talk to somebody, you take the lid off, the negative emotions eventually will sort of evaporate.
Completely?
No, probably not completely.
You know, that's a journey.
But a lot of, it's like, I think that's probably where the saying blow off steam comes from maybe.
Let me Google it.
Okay, not at all.
The saying blow off steam comes from the literal act of releasing excess pressure from a steam engine to prevent an explosion.
Super off there, but whatever.
See, this is why we have to Google things because, like I really thought I was like whoa, I'm a fucking genius.
Not at all.
But I don't know if that metaphor makes sense for you, but it makes sense to me.
There's something so helpful about taking your thoughts out of your brain and making them tangible, either through speaking them or what I'm about to talk about next journaling.
But we'll get to that in a sec.
Sitting down with somebody, inventing, and maybe even listening to their advice.
I mean we should always take advice with a grain of salt, but listening to their advice and their unique perspective can be so helpful.
But also too, just human connection itself can be so therapeutic in a really chaotic moment.
Like, even if you sit down with somebody and don't talk about the situation at hand, even if you just sit with somebody or you talk to somebody on the phone or you text an old friend like
Even just mere human connection on a surface level can be really helpful and really distracting.
There are so many different ways that reaching out to somebody can help, but it is undeniably one of the most helpful things that you can do, you know.
And so I obviously have to start with that.
Another thing you could do is journal about it.
Now, I'm not in an era in my life where I'm consistently journaling.
I've had eras in my life where I've consistently journaled.
I'm not in one right now, but I journal when I need it.
That's I will say, journaling when going through a breakup can be incredibly helpful.
And I have a few prompts that you could potentially use if you want to text your ex.
Number one, make a list of reasons why you broke up.
Make a list.
And then in the future...
When you want to text your ex, go back and read that list.
I'm pretty sure I've made a list of the reasons why I've broken up with every single ex that I've ever broken up with, or not necessarily.
I mean, I've been broken up with too, but...
You get what I'm saying?
And without fail every single time.
It's so helpful because we can look at the past with rose colored glasses.
You know, a lot of times we look back at memories, you know, more fondly than we should, right?
Like, I talk about this with my dad all the time, actually, because we travel a lot together.
And whenever we travel, things always go wrong.
Like whether a flight gets delayed or...
One of us gets sick or injured.
Like, I've been on trips and been really sick.
My dad, I remember one time on a trip, like, pinched a nerve in his back and was in a lot of pain.
And these things happen, right?
But it's funny because when we both look back on these trips, we remember them so fondly as though.
Everything was gorgeous and perfect, but in reality, we had bumps in the road, right?
Now, when it comes to remembering a vacation, it's really wonderful to remember it beautifully, right?
But when it comes to a relationship, it can be kind of dangerous.
Actually dangerous is extreme, but it can be challenging that we tend to look back at our past so romantically, because there's a reason why you broke up.
And so, in a moment of desperation, in a moment of pure heartbreak, I think that's when the nostalgia is the most lethal and it can be so important to have a reality check.
And so I think writing a list of all the reasons why you broke up is not only helpful in the moment, but it is also helpful in the future.
You know, when you inevitably feel this feeling again and want to text your ex again, reread your journal entry.
Another journal entry that's a little bit more positive and empowering is Make a list of the things you want to focus on and goals you want to accomplish now that you're single.
Being single comes with a lot of opportunity.
It's also heartbreaking and sad and lonely at times, but it's also an incredible opportunity.
You now have one less responsibility and a lot more time on your hands.
And that can be an incredible thing.
Listen, I have a goal in my life to be in a long-term relationship one day that lasts hopefully, for the rest of my life.
I want to have a family.
I want to have kids.
And I think a healthy, wonderful romantic relationship is totally worth the responsibility and the commitment and the time.
Like, I think it can be totally worth it, but not always.
And so if you find yourself in a place where you're single because there isn't a relationship in front of you where it makes sense, then you're left with all this time and honestly, freedom.
And I don't think one is better than the other.
I don't think being single is better than being in a relationship.
I think it all depends.
There are pros and cons to both.
And one of the most exciting pros of being single is that you have all this free time and you can really focus on yourself and you can really work on yourself and you can really dedicate yourself to your goals in a way that you can do in a relationship, but it's maybe a bit more challenging.
And that's so exciting and so empowering.
And it just feels like if you imagine your life as like this blank canvas, it's almost like you just wiped away a part of the painting of your life.
And now you get to repaint there.
You get to paint something brand new.
And that's really exciting.
And I think in a really challenging moment like wanting to text your ex, it can be really helpful to lean into that excitement and make a list of what you want to focus on in your life and what goals you want to accomplish.
Another journal entry could be a list of traits that you're looking for in your next partner.
Now, I would suggest that perhaps you don't want to be too specific, right?
You don't want to be like...
Their favorite movie is Napoleon Dynamite.
And they have three siblings.
And they want to live in New York.
And they're a doctor.
Like, you don't want to be too specific because then...
When you make goals like that, it's very hard to accomplish them and you end up disappointed.
I think it's best to keep things broad.
For example, I want my next partner to be very gentle in the way that they speak.
I want them to be nurturing.
I want them to be funny.
I want our senses of humor to mesh perfectly.
I want them to be a clear, honest communicator.
Whatever.
Like, I think a lot of us are looking for a very similar thing.
But I do think that we all have different priorities when it comes to a relationship.
There's something very like productive about writing down what you're looking for in your next partner.
Because I think a lot of times we can feel very discouraged during a breakup.
Like...
Oh, my God, I really thought I was going to marry this person.
And now we're not together anymore.
And now I have to embark on this new journey of finding my next partner.
Like, I don't even know where to start.
And that can make you want to text your ex.
Right.
And I think this journal entry can kind of make you feel like you're taking a step in the right direction.
You know, you're not in control of when you're going to meet that person.
Right. but at least you can be in control of manifesting what this next partner is gonna be like.
Another thing you can do.
I actually don't think I've done this before, but I've heard many people discuss it, so I'm gonna mention it.
You can write a letter to your partner that you ultimately aren't gonna send.
You can write down everything, You'd want to say to them and just not send it.
It's written in your journal.
It's for you.
But again I think, going back to my metaphor earlier about the boiling pot, it's like getting thoughts and emotions out of your head into the real world.
Making them tangible through speaking them out or writing them can really be sort of a cathartic experience.
So I haven't necessarily done that myself.
Maybe I have, but it's been a while.
But I've heard wonderful things about that.
So I'm mentioning it.
And the last thing you could do is make your own list of things to do instead of texting your ex.
Make a list of a bunch of different ideas of things that you could do in this exact moment.
Once you're done writing this list,
And also for the future.
For the next time that you feel this way, write a very personalized list of things that you can do next time you want to text your ex.
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Now back to the episode.
Okay, moving on from journaling.
The next thing you could do is take some time to remove reminders, things that remind you of your ex, from your life, from your space, to prevent unnecessary thoughts about your ex throughout the day.
Like, for example, let's say you have a cork board in your office.
I have one of those.
You know I put pictures up there, postcards whatever from various travels and things that happened in my life.
And so naturally, you know photos and memorabilia, if you will, from a relationship will end up on that board.
And after a breakup, I have to take those things down as soon as possible.
I don't always do it immediately because sometimes I'm kind of sad about it.
Other times I'm kind of lazy.
But I have to take those things down as soon as possible because if I don't, then every time I'm sitting at my desk and I look up, then I remember my ex.
And maybe...
I wasn't thinking about my ex.
And then all of a sudden, now I am.
And then all of a sudden next thing, I know I'm spiraling, wanting to text them because it triggered a memory that made me feel nostalgic.
And then I spiral and then I want to text my ex.
It can be incredibly helpful to go around your house and remove reminders of your ex.
Now, you don't necessarily need to throw them away.
I don't do that.
But maybe just put them out of sight.
And it might not even be like a photo of you and your ex.
It might be like, oh, my ex bought me this vase or...
I bought this candle when I was on a vacation with my ex.
It doesn't necessarily need to be like an obvious reminder.
Some things are just very personal, random reminders.
Even those things can sometimes trigger a memory that then causes...
I think when in a really vulnerable period in a breakup, those types of things can make it harder.
And just simply putting them away is until you're ready to bring them back out, or even potentially donating them if that makes sense.
But I mean, I don't think that's necessary usually.
But putting them out of sight can be incredibly helpful.
But also...
Our phones are our reality now.
It's like a part of where we live because we're on our phones so much.
So also, perhaps muting your ex on Instagram.
That could be really helpful deleting your text chain so that it's not like if you don't text a lot of different people, perhaps deleting them from your text chain, removing them from your favorites on your contacts.
Changing your wallpaper.
Making sure that your wallpaper is like something of an image that's very personal to you and doesn't have anything to do with your ex.
Like, It can be very cleansing.
It's sad, but it can be very cleansing to sort of go through your life and remove reminders of your ex.
To not only like symbolize your new life that's yours, you know, without...
I mean, your life is always yours, but like to symbolize this new sort of independent era.
But it also prevents future meltdowns.
Another thing you could do if you have the time is is go to a cute stationary shop, if you have one.
Actually, i live in la where like, there's literally every type of store you could ever possibly imagine.
Not every town has like a cute stationary store, but even if, like you don't need to go to a cute stationary store, you could go anywhere.
You can go to any store that sells a lot of different types of things.
Buy a planner, a physical paper planner.
Okay, dedicate yourself to using this planner for the indefinitely right.
Okay, you might only use this planner for a month, you might use it for the duration of the year, who knows?
But there's something really empowering about scheduling your life out intentionally, getting in control of how you're using your time and and putting it all on paper into a planner.
There's something about that that is really inspiring and weirdly motivating.
And I think when going through a breakup, it's so important to be structured with your time, to keep yourself busy and to not have too much downtime.
Listen, There's intentional downtime and then there is unintentional downtime.
Intentional downtime is like I'm going to go get my nails done this afternoon or I'm going to lay in bed tonight and watch my favorite TV show, and I'm super excited about it.
And then there's unintentional downtime where it's like Okay, I have the day off today and I don't really know what to do with it.
And I'm not really in the best place.
So I'm just going to lay in bed and scroll on TikTok and get into a dark place and then get depressed and then want to text my ex.
I think during a breakup, it is particularly important to focus on intentional downtime and not unintentional downtime.
And I think one of the best ways to do that is to get really into scheduling your life and keeping busy.
Now, obviously, we all have things that are built into our life that keep us busy.
Work, taking care of people in our lives, chores, you know, there's a lot of things like that.
And all of those things are very important when going through a breakup.
You know, it's a time to lean into those things and perhaps even try to romanticize those things.
And, you know, really just like, fully immerse yourself in what your life is.
But, you know, there's also gaps, right?
Like, what do you do after you're done with all that stuff?
I think during a breakup, it can be very helpful to plan your downtime.
Like, for example, I'm going through a breakup right now.
And so I have started planning my downtime.
Like, what am I going to do when I'm done with my work?
I've started scheduling out things that I don't necessarily have to do, just to make sure that I keep busy.
Right.
And I think it's incredibly helpful.
And I think in a moment where you're wanting to text your ex, it can be kind of inspiring to be like you know what.
I need to keep busy.
I know I need to keep busy.
Let me take the first step.
Get in the car. get on the bus, get on a bike, walk on foot, and go get a fucking planner.
You know what?
Make the whole thing romantic.
Put your headphones in, listen to some music, listen to a podcast, go to the store, mosey around in the aisles, find a planner that meets your standards.
Bring it home.
Oh, you know what?
Maybe even buy some fun pens.
You know, romanticize the whole thing.
And then go home and get excited about like, filling out this planner and figuring out what you're going to do for the week.
And at the other end of that, there's no way you're not going to feel better.
And then moving forward, when you're feeling like, like, I really want to text my ex.
I feel like I'm going to start spiraling.
Get out your planner and start planning out your next week, your next two weeks, whatever.
And keep yourself busy.
I think it's a really helpful thing to do.
Another thing I like to do, whether I'm going through a breakup or not, is make mood boards.
Okay, there's something very inspiring and empowering about making a mood board, a vision board.
Because again, it helps clarify what you want in your life.
And there's something very empowering about that.
You could make a fashion mood board about how you want to evolve your fashion post breakup.
There's something at least for me as somebody who like loves fashion so much.
There's something about a breakup that makes me want to lean in to fashion.
It inspires me to evolve my style.
I think because naturally, when you're in a relationship, you're influenced by your partner in every way, but also in fashion at times.
And so...
I think there's something exciting about revisiting fashion post-breakup as an individual.
Do you know what I mean?
Even though, like, listen, you can absolutely explore your style while in a relationship.
But I think there's something about being newly single.
It's a new era.
Like there's something exciting about, like how do I want to present myself now as this person going back out into the world, single?
Like, how do I, what do I want to be?
You know, that, that can be very inspiring.
So you can make a fashion mood board.
You could also make an activity mood board of things that you can make, perhaps a mood board of recipes, perhaps a mood board of arts and crafts ideas, depending on your interests.
Making a mood board that can be a source of inspiration for activity in challenging times I think can be really helpful.
You could also just make a general mood board of what you want your life to look like and feel like in the future.
Perhaps how you want your home to look like one day.
Perhaps how you want your wedding to look like one day.
It might be too soon for that, though.
That might be...
That might be a little bit triggering, honestly, but I mean, could be helpful.
Maybe you could add photos of where you want to live one day or vacations you want to go on one day.
Just a general vibe of what you want your life to look and feel like in the future.
And so on.
Like I mean, I think mood boards whether you're making them on Pinterest or you're cutting out pictures out of magazines like mood boards are inspiring.
And you know it might sound a bit cringe or cliche to like make a vision board or a mood board about where you want to go in your life.
I don't know.
I think, mood boards when it comes to like, making projects or like if you're, you know, throwing a dinner party and you need to come up with recipes.
Like I think, a lot of times we look at those types of mood boards as being like helpful and productive and there's like a clear reason to be making the mood board.
And I think some people look at making a mood board or a vision board for your future as being kind of maybe cliche or cringe or like too romantic.
But I disagree.
I think it can be incredibly empowering and helpful, as I keep calling everything empowering and helpful.
So I need to come up with some new words.
And I need to use the thesaurus.
But there's no time for that, because I actually have more ideas of things that you can do when you're spiraling and wanting to text your ex.
So I can't look up the thesaurus right now.
So I'm going to keep using those words.
Another thing you can do that I've done before is create a piece of art that represents how you're feeling in the moment.
If you're in agony, draw that.
Paint that.
Get some clay out, sculpt that.
Again, to some, this might sound cringe.
This might sound kind of cliche, but I have done it before.
In fact, one of my first watercolors in my current watercolor booklet that I've been using for quite a while now is a watercolor that I did during my last breakup.
And it's this like dramatic, terrible watercolor of me crying.
And there's a little speech bubble that's saying something that I don't need to say out loud.
Should I just say it?
It doesn't matter.
I'll say it.
I think it says, why are you testing me?
Question mark.
Because, well, I don't need to say why.
Um, but it's so dramatic.
It's so it's ridiculous.
But actually, I don't even think I was going through a breakup yet when I made that piece of art.
I might have been like on.
It was like the breakup was impending because breakups are never instant.
Right.
It's like it's not like all of a sudden.
Well, I guess sometimes.
But in my experience, usually breakups start before the relationship even ends.
Right.
Yeah. months before the relationship ends, things start to fizzle a little bit.
And so I think I might have made that drawing, you know, when I knew the relationship was coming to an end and things were not going well, but neither of us were ready to fully pull the plug yet.
I can't remember.
But anyway.
It was a really helpful experience.
You know, it's just another way of taking all of the feelings and thoughts and emotions swirling around in your head and removing them from your brain and making them tangible.
There's something about that that is just...
It gives you a sense of relief.
Does it make all the feelings go away?
Once again, no, but it can just feel good to let it out.
It can help calm you down and get you to a place where your emotions are less intense, so that then you can take the next best step from there.
Next, okay, now we're really gonna start having fun here.
Another thing you can do is watch a show or a movie or an interview with your celebrity crush in it okay,
This is a little naughty.
It's not naughty, but it's like, I've done this.
Sometimes it can... really just help you to just feel attracted to someone else.
And if you have a crush already, there's a good chance that you're not itching to text your ex that bad right.
Like, I mean, maybe.
But then you can just text that new crush, you know, and flirt with them, right?
Like, I mean, that's another thing I guess you could do.
But that kind of feels toxic.
Like you don't want to pursue someone new just because you're running away from painful feelings you have about your ex.
Like that's never good, right?
That's a real human being that you're dealing with who has real emotions.
And you want to be intentional about that and responsible about that.
Whereas a parasocial crush with a celebrity that's like.
I mean, you don't want that to get taken too far.
Right.
You want to be careful with that, too, because, you know, that's most likely not going to happen.
But that's why it's kind of a safe bet.
Putting on some sort of source of media on your screen of somebody who you find attractive can be really helpful, because I don't know to sort of daydream about oh, this person's so gorgeous and what it would be like to go on a date with them.
That can be a really wonderful distraction.
Listen, is it as maybe productive and idyllic, as like buying a planner and really planning the future, or like getting out your journal and writing things down?
No, it's not as ideal maybe, but sometimes that's what you need just to...
Put a video of someone hot on a screen and watch it and daydream about what it would be like to go on a date with them.
I'm the type of person that always needs to have a crush.
And that is not necessarily...
Good or healthy, but like I I've I always have a crush.
There's always someone whether it's a celebrity or it's like a barista at a coffee shop that I go to a lot, or It's someone I see at a workout class frequently.
Like, I always have a crush.
Or you know, when I'm in a relationship, I have a crush on whoever I'm dating at the time, whatever.
I always have some sort of crush.
I have since I was four years old.
Because it's fun.
It's fucking fun.
But when going through a breakup, I think the safest option that's still fun is to lean into your celebrity crush.
Fuck it, you know?
And if you don't have one, I don't know.
Start looking.
Listen, that won't work for everyone, but I don't know.
That can be a fun option.
Next, sign up for a workout class or some sort of group activity.
As I said earlier, there's something very therapeutic about just being around people, right?
And sometimes we don't have the energy to talk to someone that we're super close to sometimes right.
We kind of want to be alone, but we also don't want to be alone.
That's when group activities can really come in handy.
And I mean I think group activities are wonderful anyway for building community, for making new friends, for potentially even finding a future partner.
Like, who knows?
I think group activities are so important in general, but in a moment of a spiral, if you have the time, if you can go to a workout class, go to the gym, go to a pottery class, go to like a cooking class, like go do something with people around.
I think there's something really comforting about that.
Being around people in a way that's casual and potentially... where friendship could bloom, right?
But not necessarily.
It's like it's nice to be in an environment where you could get chatty with somebody, but you don't have to, you know.
And I think the reason why I'm emphasizing workout classes or the gym is because I will say that exercise and moving your body and releasing endorphins can also be a really helpful thing to do when wanting to text your ex.
But the problem is is that it takes a level of discipline to get up and move your body, and you know exercise.
So I think that's why I am suggesting some sort of social exercise, whether that's a workout class or going to the gym.
Listen.
It could also be helpful to turn on a 10 minute workout YouTube video and do it on your bedroom floor.
Like sometimes that's the vibe, right?
But that's harder to motivate.
At least for me personally, it's harder. to do that.
I think when it's coupled with being around people, it's even more beneficial and even more helpful, at least in my experience.
And you're not just getting endorphins out of it.
You're also getting a bit of maybe not even social interaction, but just this feeling of being around people.
I don't know.
But also, who knows?
Like, while you're at the gym, at a workout class, at a pottery class, at a cooking class, you might meet a new friend who maybe will one day become your significant other.
Like, who knows?
You know, it's just, there's something hopeful about being out in the world.
Another thing you could do is drop everything and take an everything shower, okay?
Even though the shower can be kind of a complicated place, like I find, when I'm in a rough place psychologically getting in the shower is a little bit scary, because the shower I mean listen.
The saying shower thoughts or the phrase shower thoughts or the concept of shower thoughts is a mainstream one, for a reason right.
There's something about being in the shower that just inspires thoughts, which can be really scary, especially when you're in a rough spot mentally.
But I think getting into the shower with the intention of I am going to do everything.
I'm going to wash my hair.
I'm going to shave.
I'm going to exfoliate.
I'm going to do it all.
And then when I get out, I'm going to clip my nails and I'm going to put products in my hair and I'm going to do a really long skincare routine.
I think going into the shower with this intention of like I'm going to do everything right now distracts you from your shower thoughts, in a way.
And then you get out of the shower and you feel amazing.
You know, you feel clean, you feel cozy, you feel fresh.
And that feeling also can help with feeling like shit and wanting to text your ex.
Another thing you could do is break your routine in some way.
A lot of us have a consistent routine, right?
We wake up at a certain time, we make a certain meal for ourselves.
Perhaps we go out and get a coffee.
We work, we have the same sort of commute every day where we take the.
We cook a very similar thing for ourselves every night, and then we have a certain bedtime routine and then we go to bed.
And that sort of monotonous routine at times can be really wonderful.
It can be really wonderful to sort of get into autopilot with it and get into flow with it.
But when spiraling about a breakup it can be incredibly helpful to get out of that routine a little bit.
Perhaps go to a different grocery store that you don't normally go to in grocery shop.
Perhaps... take a different route to work that day.
Perhaps try a different coffee shop.
There's something really distracting and stimulating about breaking your routine that I think can weirdly reset your perspective in a way.
Like when you get into a routine and you're doing the same thing every single day.
It leaves you more time to think in spiral.
Breaking your routine can be really grounding in a way.
Because you have to be more focused, right?
If you're, let's say, starting to spiral, wanting to text your ex, and then perhaps simultaneously you're like, I need to go to the grocery store.
Perhaps going to a different grocery store can help distract you and put you back into the present in a way that going to your routine grocery store maybe wouldn't.
Perhaps going to your routine grocery store is so routine that when you're walking through the aisles you don't even have to think.
You don't even have to look.
You know exactly where everything is, right?
Going to a new grocery store forces you to look around.
You have to look around.
You have to be present because you don't know where everything is.
It's the same thing with like going to a new coffee shop.
You don't know where to park.
You've never been there before.
You don't know these baristas.
They don't know your order.
There's something about breaking routine that forces you to be present, which can really help with perspective and can really help with grounding.
Another thing you could do is book some self-care appointments.
Now, a lot of times we can't just drop everything and go get our nails done, go get a massage, whatever.
Go get a spray tan.
I don't know what you're into.
But even the simple act of just booking these appointments... can be a distraction.
And also give you something to look forward to.
Like I get excited about going and getting my nails done.
I get excited about going and getting a massage.
I get excited about, I don't know, like getting my hair done or whatever.
Like I get excited about these things.
The mere act of booking the appointments is a good distraction that releases happy chemicals in the brain.
But then also now you have something to look forward to.
And then when the appointment rolls around, that's another distraction, right?
And it makes you feel good.
Taking care of yourself boosts confidence and just I don't know makes living in your body feel better, right.
And so everything about booking and then going to these types of appointments can be incredibly helpful.
Another thing you could do is cook something fun.
Go do the whole thing.
Like lean into it.
Lean into every single step of it, because you know this kind of goes hand in hand with breaking routine and I probably should have just lumped it into that, but I didn't.
Cooking something new is a very grounding experience because...
It's very involved, right?
First, you have to find the recipe, okay?
Then you have to transport yourself somehow to the grocery store.
Then you have to shop around, and you can do so in a way that's very romantic.
Put your headphones in, do the whole thing, listen to music, whatever, vibe out.
Then you have to go home and prepare everything, cut your vegetables, you know, drain your beans.
Then you have to pay attention to the recipe and cook it.
And then at the end you have this beautiful meal that's hopefully going to taste really wonderful.
And food is one of the greatest joys in life.
Another thing you could do is go treasure hunting, as I like to call it.
Treasure hunting to me is basically just going and buying things secondhand or looking at used items, whether that's thrift shopping, vintage shopping, online shopping on like eBay, like whatever you get the idea.
Treasure hunting.
What I love about treasure hunting is that it's not like going to a store that's pre-curated, where everything is on trend and cute right.
Like, treasure hunting is about shopping and finding diamonds in the rough, finding things that are very special.
And this is something that I personally really love doing.
Not everybody loves this, so if you don't love this, well, don't do it.
But what I think is really fun about treasure hunting, if you will, is that you are really forced to think, because not everything's gonna be good, you know.
I mean listen, if you go to like a beautifully curated vintage store where like, the curator has amazing taste yeah, maybe that's less of an escape.
You don't have to be as focused because everything is cute.
But when you're buying secondhand you have to use your brain a little bit more to sift through all this stuff.
And there's something about that that's really satisfying and exciting and distracting.
And I also think too, it's more responsible, right?
You don't want to go to a store that's really perfectly curated and trendy and buy a bunch of stuff to release happy chemicals in the brain, just to then later want to donate everything because it's not trendy anymore.
That's not a responsible way to shop.
But it's also not as mindful.
You don't have to be as mindful because it's pre-curated.
There's something about secondhand shopping that I think is more spiritually rewarding, but it's also
A more responsible way to shop, because you have to treasure hunt and you have to really actively use your mind and ask yourself do I like this thing?
It's, you know, is this thing going to benefit my life?
Is this thing my style?
You know, whatever.
Because a lot of times buying secondhand things aren't curated.
So you have to think for yourself and that act of thinking for yourself can be a really wonderful tool.
Distraction and escape.
And I think, at least in my experience.
I feel like I shop more responsibly when I buy secondhand because I have to think a bit harder.
So it's like, it's a positive way to basically do retail therapy.
And it's also...
Better for the world, right?
You're giving something another life if you do purchase something.
But also, even if you don't purchase something, it's fun to like walk around a thrift store or, you know, walk around a vintage store or whatever.
Scroll around on eBay.
It's like fun.
And you can get lost in it.
Another thing you could do is plan an itinerary for your next day off.
Let's say maybe you're stuck at work and you can't cook something fun.
You can't go get your nails done.
You can't take an everything shower.
You know, if you're in a situation where you're stuck, I think it can be incredibly helpful to take like 10 minutes to just plan your next day off.
What do you want to do?
Maybe you want to take an everything shower and then go to a flea market and then go to the farmer's market, and then, you know, go get your nails done and then go for a hike, and then I don't know like plan it out.
Book a dinner reservation.
Get excited about that next day off.
Another thing you could do is organize, clean or declutter something that has been bothering you, that you haven't made time to do.
Now this might be sort of hard to motivate to do, because if you haven't motivated to do it in the past, why would you want to do it now?
But I will say that it does feel good to address something like that.
Like perhaps you've been wanting to organize your closet.
Maybe set a timer for 30 minutes and just dedicate yourself to organizing that closet.
I can guarantee at the other side of that, you're going to feel more calm, more relaxed.
And you're going to feel good because you accomplished something that you've been wanting to accomplish.
Perhaps your bathtub has really got some gunk on it and it's been really bothering you, but you just haven't gotten around to it.
Get down and dirty.
Do it.
At the other end of that, you'll feel better.
Perhaps you've accumulated too many clothes and it's been stressing you out.
You know, maybe go into your closet and find 10 things to donate.
Like...
Just address something that you've been sort of avoiding that you know you'd feel better if you did.
And not only is the act of it a distraction, but also at the other end of it, you're going to feel better than you did before, without a doubt.
Another thing you could do is fix something in your home or perhaps in your wardrobe.
Like go around your house and find things that need fixing or tending to.
For example, let's say one of your favorite sweaters has a missing button. sew a button back on.
You could go around your house and fill up all of your soap dispensers.
Maybe you have a table that has a crack in it.
You could Google how to fix a crack in a table and then go and buy the stuff and then fix it.
Again, it might be kind of hard to motivate, because if you haven't motivated to do it yet, there's a reason for that.
But I can guarantee at the other end of that, you will feel better.
Even if it's something so small, such as like sewing a button back on your favorite sweater, the act of it will distract you.
And at the other end, you'll feel satisfied.
And again, is it going to fully solve the problem?
No, but it's going to get you back to a place where you can think a bit more rationally.
And those are all the ideas I have, I realize now.
I'm done.
I know a lot of these were obvious, but in the spiral, they're not.
And so that's why I decided to sit down today and share all of these with you all.
If you're going through a breakup right now, I'm sorry.
I know how it is.
It sucks, but you know what?
You're gonna get through it.
One day at a time, you got this.
Thank you all for listening and hanging out.
I hope that you found this episode helpful.
And if you enjoyed it and you wanna hang out some more, new episodes every Thursday and Sunday.
You can listen anywhere you stream podcasts.
If you want to watch a video, that's on YouTube and Spotify.
Anything Goes is on social media at Anything Goes.
I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain and my coffee company is on the internet and in the world at chamberlain coffee.
I love you all, i appreciate you all.
It is always a pleasure to get to hang out with you and luckily we get to do it again in a few days.
I'll talk to you then.
It is one in the morning.
As i'm recording this, i have to go to bed.
I never do this.
It's so weird.
It's one in the morning, what am i doing?
I just felt inspired, but now my brain is not working anymore.
So I'm gonna go to bed, but I will talk to you all in a few days.
Love you.
