Hey, Story Pirates podcast listeners, Lee here.
Well, summer's almost over, or it is over. for you, depending on where you live, I guess.
But either way, we all know what that means.
It's back to school time, which means new school supplies, new teachers. and of course, a brand new mixtape from the world's greatest DJ who happens to be a worm, DJ Squirmalot, coming up right after a few words for the grown-ups.
Thank you. Shut up, squirmy wormies. It's your worm, DJ Squirm-A-Lot, the world's greatest DJ who also happens to be a worm.
And, well, if you can just hold on a second, I was just about to hear my Neph-worm tell me a joke.
Say hi to everyone, Niff Worm.
Hi, everyone. And my Wormies, what you need to know is that Niff Worm is an incredible comedian.
Aw, shucks! You are! Your jokes were the soundtrack to my summer nipworm!
One after the other, you keep coming and keep...
Supplying the laughs. Wow, I do consider myself a bit of a comedy nerd, I must admit.
And it shows in your jokes. They're funny, but they're also sophisticated and smart.
Now you're making me blush, hunky squirmalot!
Well, you're already pink, so it's not much of a difference, honestly.
Good point. Now, how about that joke? Okay, okay.
Here goes. Why did the worm cross the road?
I don't know. Why? To get to the other...
Soil! Oh! Oh! Soil! Like dirt! It's set aside!
Soil! Because worms love to hurt, right?
Incredible! Networm, you did it again. Thanks, Unky Squirmalot.
Wait a second, Nephilim. You just told an all-star top secret.
And I laughed so hard the dirt squirted out my nose.
Why do you look so sad all of a sudden? Well, you know how I'm about to go back to school?
You bet I do. I'm nervous. You don't have anything to be nervous about, NephWorm.
School is great. You're going to have a great worm, teacher.
Every day I'll pack you your lunchbox full of moist Dirty dirt.
It's gonna be great. I'm not nervous about any of that.
Then what are you nervous about? I'm nervous no one will laugh at my jokes.
I've been working on my jokes all summer so that I could come back school and really wow everyone of course you're going to wow them you're a great comedian You don't understand, Unky Squirmalot.
All the other worms at school act like they're so cool.
They don't want to laugh at my jokes, even if they are funny.
Really? Really. They think weird things they see on the internet are funny, not jokes.
You know, I really don't understand today's youth.
Everything's all meme this, meme that. I don't even know what a meme is.
Me neither. What happened to good old comedy joke joking?
It's a thing of the past. I guess no one is ever going to laugh at my jokes.
Nefworm, I can't bear to see you this way.
I'm going to find a way to make all your classmates laugh at your jokes if it's the last thing this worm does.
You don't have to do that, Unky Squirmalot.
Oh, yes I do. Because the number one thing that's most important to me, DJ Squirmalot, in my life is being the greatest DJ who happens to be a worm that ever lived.
But the second most important thing to me in my life is helping my family.
You mean it? I sure do. Tell you what, let's play this first song for the listeners, and when we come back, I'll explain in detail.
My master plan. Wow! Sounds great. Listeners, here's the first hot track from today's mixtape.
From eight-year-old Jack in Wisconsin, it's The Werewolf in Missouri.
I'm in Missouri, I'm a werewolf. He's a werewolf.
I'm a werewolf. Where's that werewolf? I'm a werewolf.
He's a werewolf. Where? He's in Missouri.
Name is Jackson. That's a fact, son. And on full moons, I go for Luna Lupi.
Never cared for fighting. Never cared for fighting.
Never cared for growling or howling at the moon.
To the other wolves, I can't relate. I travel to the show me state.
Well, just listen to my tune. See, I've climbed the highest mountains.
I even climbed a tree once but slipped out.
I've bricked all America to get to St. Louis And I'll tell you the purpose of my trip I'm gonna tell you So, this is a library.
What? This is the St. Louis Public Library.
Oh. Um, you know what? I'm sorry, you're clearly having a blast and just go ahead.
What's this dream of yours? Thank you so much.
Okay, your energy makes a little more sense now.
It is a very exciting arch. I can tell you how to get there, but...
You know what? Let me show you. Library, I'm going on break.
Werewolf, follow me! Take a left on Olive Street.
Then a right on 13th. Neat. And then guess what?
A left on Chestnut. It's a tour. It's a tour.
Past the slope. and let me tell you you've journeyed long you've journeyed oh so It's beautiful I think that I've just got to We're in Missouri Thank you so much.
Um, wait, sorry, what's your name? It's the Story Pirates back-to-school mixtape, and I'm your host, DJ Squirmalot.
I'm Squirtle Squirmin', and that was... The werewolf in Missouri.
OK, Unky DJ Squirmalot. How are you going to help me with my problem?
Well, Niff Worm, as you know, I am a world famous DJ.
Yes, I am. Of course! Who sells out arenas and huge outdoor festivals on a monthly basis?
Duh. And who drives crowds of thousands wild simply by smashing that space bar on my laptop, triggering a song that I am in no way manipulating or Adding anything creative, too.
Geez, I know, Unky Squirmalot. That's what laptop GJs do.
Especially the famous ones. What's your point exactly?
My point is that you already know I'm an incredible DJ.
But what you don't know is that I'm also an inventor.
Whoa, whoa, what? I can see that your jaw is on the floor in disbelief, NephWorm.
But it's true! What does this have to do with my problem?
Your problem being that you are afraid that the students in your school won't laugh at your jokes? because of the fact that they're drowning in meme culture?
Yes, that's the problem. To solve that problem, I have created perhaps The greatest invention known to worm.
What is it? For all that is holy, please tell me.
I have invented this. That thing? Yes. This box.
That small box with a button on it? Yes.
This. With a button. How is a tiny little box that you hold in your hand that has one single button on it going to help me with my problem?
Aha! Now you're asking the right questions, Niff Worm.
You know what? I think I'm just going to go.
Wait! Don't go yet! Check out what happens when I press the button.
Ahem. Press. It laughs? Yes, it laughs.
You press the button and it just laughs.
Yes! Like this! Press. Great, right? Um... Look, I'll explain it to you why it's so great. right after this next hot track.
Wormies, this next one comes to you from Ethan.
A seven-year-old in Colorado. And it's called Martian Mallows.
My name is Andrew and I got a tale to tell about a time I saved the world from an alien invasion.
One day I was on my way to school when I saw some And also cool in a park that warranted an investigation.
Out of a dream When all of a sudden, aliens came out of running and began attacking me.
What did they want from me? What did they want from me?
Marshmallows, marshmallows, that is what we want.
We want marshmallows, marshmallows, that is what we want.
Marshmallows, marshmallows, that is what we want.
We want marshmallows, marshmallows, and that is what we want.
I managed to get away, and to my school I made my escape.
And all my friends were there. But instead of class, they were having a blast in the middle of a paper ball fight.
They just started diving for those paper balls because they were all small and white.
But soon the aliens noticed that the paper was not gooey trees.
And before I could know it, the aliens refocused and again started attacking me.
And they went Marshmallows, marshmallows, that is what we want We want marshmallows, marshmallows, that is what we want So I ran home from school was at the stove she said I'm making you your favorite marshmallow bread oh no and just like clockworks the aliens came and knocked her Over, overwhelmed by the smell of the bread.
What do you want from me? They ate my marshmallow bread So I turned to them and I said Are you finally satisfied?
Oh, no. So I went to my backyard to ease my worried mind.
I took a breath to do what I do best and I
I started to juggle but I really did not think it through cause my juggling balls look like marshmallows too and then before I knew I was once again in trouble I finally had enough, so I hashed up a brilliant plan And ran back into my house, grabbed some marshmallows and balls, and brought them back to where it all began. and i do it quick into their ship and push them to mars We all came diving in and I jumped totally pumped when I was about to win.
As the ship floated high into the sky. I hope I never see them again Whoa, way to spike that volleyball, Andrew.
Thanks. You know, I can't believe that whole alien invasion thing was a week ago.
Yeah, it's a good thing you got rid of them, too, because honestly, this volleyball does look like a giant marshmallow.
You're right. Bye. Bye. all right aliens you want marshmallows so badly well i'll give you some marshmallows How about this?
Marshmallows, marshmallows. Bags in every ship.
And as I came aboard, I had to make sure they took a longer trip.
Oh, oh, oh. Marshmallows, marshmallows. And when it was my turn And I slipped to their mothership And I pushed The ships All started floating off the ground All of them were Saturn down And they never ever came back around Yeah, they really never ever came out the house There are rainbow cars that are cars covered in rainbows they are covered in rainbows they go to rainbow island There are rainbow cars.
The cars don't have people in them. They have star power.
The star power makes them go There are rainbow cars That are cars covered in rainbows They are covered in rainbows They go to rainbows There are rainbow cars Don't have people in them They have star power they trick or treat they trick or treat for candy and they rainbow cars that are cars covered in rainbows they are covered in rainbows They go to Rainbow Island.
There are rainbow cars. The cars don't have people in them.
They have star power. At the end Dang.
All of the painful cars All of the painful cars All of the painful What up, squirmywormies?
It's the Story Pirates Back to School mixtape.
And I'm your host, DJ Squirmalive. That was All Rainbow Cars by a four-year-old in New York named Gene.
All right, Unky DJ Squirmalot. Enough's enough.
Tell me how that little box with the button is going to help me with my problem.
You mean this box that does this? When I press the button, press.
Yes, that one. Let me just give you a demonstration.
Say a word. A word? Yes, any word. Um, pickle.
See, it got a laugh. Try another one. Um, paragraph.
See? But paragraph isn't even an inherently funny word like pickle is.
Don't you get it, Nephilim? The point is, it doesn't matter if it's funny.
I thought being funny was the whole point.
Okay, listen. When I was first starting out as a laptop DJ, a long, long time ago, Do you think from the very beginning that my audience members would literally faint at the sight of me smashing a space bar?
They didn't. No, they didn't. No one cared.
They just stood there staring at me. They thought I was just hitting the space bar like any old typist would do.
They didn't realize they were witnessing something.
Revolutionary. Huh. I never realized that you weren't super famous right from the start.
It took time, Nephilim. Do you know how I turn things around?
How? I hired dancers to dance in the crowd so that everyone would see them and think, hey, Maybe I should be dancing too.
And I did! And soon, everyone was dancing.
Isn't that some kind of... creative fraud?
Of course not, Nephilim. I was just starting the party.
Sometimes people can be afraid to let it all out, to dance, to Laugh.
Unless they know they aren't alone. I think I get it now.
When I use this box. All my friends at school will laugh because they'll think somebody's already laughing.
Precisely. Oh, hey, G.J. Squirmalot. Hey, Nefworm.
Hello, lame. What are you guys up to? Nefworm, this is the perfect opportunity to try out the box.
Tell a joke, and just to be sure, make it unfunny.
Okay, here goes. Hey, Lee! What's a worm's favorite day?
Uh, I don't know. What? Earth Day! Oh. Now press the button.
Here goes nothing. Oh, was that a joke? Oh, I think I get it.
It must be funny because some phantom I can't see is laughing as well.
Earth Day! Because worms like the earth!
Of course! That would be their favorite day.
Amazing joke, Nuffworm. And thank you, Uncle DJ Squirmalot, for saving the school year.
My pleasure. Now, while we wait for the frankly horrific sound of Lee laughing to stop, how about we play you, listeners, another hot track?
From Oliver, a four-year-old in the UK, here's a story that I think we can all agree is no laughing matter.
President Worms! Sheila, did you find parking?
Good afternoon. Excuse me. Hi, everyone.
Good afternoon and welcome to the Hall of Presidential Fame, located off of beautiful Exit 12 in Pella, Iowa.
Bella, it's in Iowa. Whether you're always thinking about Lincoln, a James Buchan fan.
Or if you're here because you saw Hamilton, the museum has something for you.
We take you on a tour of each president's life.
It's like a Wikipedia entry, but with props and wigs.
Now, shall we start with the Woodrow Wilson wing?
Okay, tough crowd. Perhaps the Hall of Benjamin Harrison?
Who is that? Okay, fine. Why are we even fooling ourselves?
We all know which president you're here to learn about.
The POTUS with the mostest. President Burns!
Let's get to the story about that invertebrate who wins debates.
The anasic who's never basic. Yeah. his dreams were big his goals were president on that goal i was intent so up to washington he went okay Here we go.
And he crawled and he wriggled, wiggled, crawled.
And he wriggled and he wiggled, crawled.
And he wriggled, wiggled. He came across the river wide.
Got a kid to be other side. He watched the ebb and flow of tide.
This will be a wild ride. too far to claim a lot to reach his goal to be the boss and here we go And he swam, and he wriggled, wiggled.
Swam, and he wriggled, and he wiggled. Swam, and he wriggled, wiggled.
Hey yeah, hey yeah. Over mountains oh so high Can't give up, I got it A meteor!
This is unexpected. And of course, what happens next is the stuff of Hall of Presidents legend.
Do you dig? Because President Worm most certainly digs.
No, he literally tried to dig under the meteor.
I can't dig underneath it. The dirt is too hot.
I can't get under it. Let's try to get over it.
No! It's too slippery. That's the meteor wrong way to get over this meteor right.
Come on, worm. The greatest leaders are flexible, which I am.
No bones. How can you adapt to this situation?
Oh my goodness. A wing is growing out of my back and it hurts. in the first isn't that what they say about the second term too wow i have we Now, time to fly, worm!
Fly yourself to that White House door! So he flew, and he wriggled, wiggled, flew, and he wriggled, and he wiggled, flew, and he wriggled, wiggled.
As your leader, I promise to be flexible and to go and grow to great lengths for each and every American to never The Garden of Humanity Flourish.
Ladies and gentlemen, the first flying leader.
President Worm. The end. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm still laughing.
Hmm, perhaps my invention worked too well.
Going to call a doctor. And we'll be right back with more Hot Tracks after these quick words for the grown-ups.
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Welcome back, squirmy wormies. Now, just so you know, Lee finally stopped laughing.
He's fine. And now, let's keep the party going with a tune from 14-year-old Jonah in Utah.
Here's The Wizard Who Could Just Go Poop.
Once upon a time in a faraway land There lived a wizard who was doing the best that he could I spent my days learning magic at the wizard school.
But it was tragic because this wizard was so uncool.
Hey! Like I was saying, this Dude was quite lame. or Inferni in the Fiery.
My name is Erlin. Yeah, that really don't inspire me.
And his wand, which of course is the source The one sorcery couldn't cast correctly, so an outcast he was forced to be All my peers' wands are powerful, mine is aloof No matter which spells he would cast, it only went poof!
It only went poof. Kids in class cackled.
They thought Earl and the Goof. And I feel that sad.
Cause my wand only goes poof. Poof Poof Poof Poof Poof Poof It only goes poof.
But then one day, a dragon came around. He said, bring me golden food of your hometown. is going down bring on the wizards the knights and the rest i am the best and you'll never guess my one weakness They lined up to stop them.
It was wizard after wizard. I'm Morrison the Great!
I'm in the fiery. I'll set you aflame. And I'm.
Don't worry about him. He's super lame. They all tried but failed and flailed.
Forced to fold. The dragon, he grew bold.
I am unstoppable. Bulletproof. Even when Erlen got his wand in He made it go poof.
Even the dragon laughed. A hilarious spoof.
Oof. He'll never be a wizard if his wand can only go poof.
Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. But then what happened next was a curious thing.
The dragon's face changed to a frown from a grin.
There's a stress in my chest like I messed up a test.
Plus I'm depressed. The poof is it's one week.
Yes! He roared and roared and roared always forever.
Would you see him? How about never? name they put an m at the top and he would never be the same you see the m that they added well it stands for magic And now I'm called Merlin And that name is fantastic Give it up for the great Merlin raise the roof Merlin the wizard who can now do way more than go poof poof poof poof poof poof Poop.
Do way more than poop. Now a skill as a mage are beyond reproof.
But I was once the wizard who could just go poof.
Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! I once only could just go poof!
Thank you. Welcome back to the Story Pirates Back to School Mixtape.
I'm your host, DJ Squirmalot. This next song is by Annabelle, an 11-year-old from the UK, and it's called The Little Man Who Powers Your Washing Machine.
Deep in the misty eons of time, dirty socks and stained aprons ruled the earth.
The ketchup stains persisted. Sweaty Musk lingered in the cool breeze of twilight.
Until one day humankind birthed unto us an invention that was destined to change the face of hygiene forever.
The washing machine. It's incredible, what could it be?
I like the little doors. But what is this thing for?
Well, you put in your dirty clothes. And?
Then you turn it on. And? And it gets your clothes on.
That's it. Oh. All right. I kind of hoped it would help us clean these dirty clothes.
Haven't figured that part out yet. Maybe I could help?
Hey everybody, what's going on? We'll race three times in a row.
And I've got an idea that'll make our clothes a little less dirty.
You see, I noticed the inside of this washing machine is wheel-shaped, just like Jeffrey's wheel.
Who's Jeffrey? My hamster. Spin it up, scrub it up, wash it up, Your cargo pants and your denim skirts.
Your socks are denim. washing machine little man got to come on out Okay, everyone, here I come.
I'll just open up this door. I said open up this door.
This door... Door? It's stuck! Oh no! Well I guess I'll just stay inside until the end of time.
I'm the little man who powers your washing machine and I live to fight your grease and grime.
We're honored that you'd spend your life.
So put your washing machine on with very little clothes in it and wait for it to spin very fast.
In the back of the washing machine, you may see that little man.
What does he eat? Nobody knows When does he sleep?
Nobody knows Where does he pee? Nobody knows.
But I'm really good at washing your clothes.
Yes, he's really good at washing your clothes.
Bye. Bye. Bye. Class we have a quick announcement.
Tomorrow is our rhyming test. The last test of the marking period.
So put away your textbooks and warm up your vocal cords.
We're about to do a quick review. okay class we've got to practice for our rhyming test look at your structure cadence pace here to judge who rhymes the best okay we'll start with our reigning champ who's made a stamp with command of pros michael kitson aka big kid with the fire flows i'm the best rhymer out i'm off the cuff The rest of you are so mild Challenge me, you wildin' All I rhyme, you smilin' that i don't take kindly to the ones that try me no no please remind me who holds the title is it robbie robbie no no it's me the big kid should i say the whiskey best in the business Hi, my name is Robbie.
I am here to take the stage. I am here to do my best.
So we're on the same part of the book that you flipped with your hand.
That you flip with your hand? Man, you can't rhyme the same word.
You a cheat. I'll stay on beat. I'm a rock star.
I'm a full course meal, not a pop tart. I can't see nobody who is.
Don't be modest. Think you got it. I say En Garde. it's clear to me that rhyming is just something that i lack and if i was awesome at it it'd get big kid off my butt dang it i wish that rhyming skill would fall from the sky maybe the clouds can part a little and just show me a oh oh hey big kid sup pop-tart nothing i was just backing away gotta run gotta run quick to the bathroom gotta run Where am I?
Why am I in a cage? Do not be afraid. I've paid attention to your poor predicament.
Help has made its way. I watched and waited, and I've made substantial progress on a potion that will give your rhyming powers a promotion.
Oh, a potion? Yes, a potion. Take a swig, but first let's go inside. this document that says that i'm not liable for side effects i'll take my chances if it means an a okay i'll have you take a drink don't overthink it and be on your way I was never here.
Whoa! What's happening? Whoa! It seems to me that rhyming was once something that I lacked, but there has been a clearing and that's no longer a fact!
Yes! That shady scientist has given me a hack!
I'll take the test, I'll ace the class, and I'll get Big Kid off my back!
Dang it! Okay class, let's get cracking for our rhyming test!
This is like 2% of your grade, so don't even stress.
Don't catch me lacking. I will master and I won't break a sweat.
Hi, my name is Robbie and I'm here to do the best. round one tail two snail three and four and five round and round the clock goes and these two have stayed alive i'ma have this class in agreement that i'm around fiend i'm a genius oh jeez i could the final round the teacher's lounge has joined to see the end um Class and staff, before I have to go and turn you loose, the final word to rhyme to win will be the noun moose.
Um, and we can't use loose, right? You can't.
The pressure's on, but I am strong. Can't afford to lose tonight.
You can. I'm keeping cool, I'm keeping calm, as if the world rests in my palm.
I'ma say it loud, I'ma say it loud. I say it first and right with goose.
Robbie? Has won the rhyming test! Wow. Good job, Pop Tart.
Didn't think you could do it, but you proved me wrong.
Hey, thank you, man. Thank you. It's the Story Pirates Back to School Mixtape.
And I'm DJ Squamalot. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam.
My Wormies, that last song was by Mason, a 10-year-old from Wisconsin, and it's called The Test.
Oh, and here's the final song of our back-to-school mixtape.
To all my wormies out there, have a great time back at school.
From nine-year-old Zoe in Tennessee, here's One Little Pink Rose.
DJ Squirmalot, out! Once upon a time. I went to school.
Her parents didn't notice that the whole school was full of red roses inside pinky was the only pink rose she cried i feel so embarrassed i feel so alone Pinky was the same as a rose.
So why did she feel so embarrassed? Why was she so alone?
She thought and she thought and she thought and she thought But inside Pinkie was the only pink rose And still she just felt so embarrassed She felt so alone He saw that every red rose was life And she knew what she had to do She had to speak her truth I don't care.
I can stand up for myself
