Hey, Story Pirates podcast listeners, Lee here.
Happy summer. To celebrate, our pal DJ Squirmalot, the world's greatest DJ who also happens to be a worm, has a brand new mixtape for your enjoyment.
Coming up, right after a few words for the grown -ups.
Hey, grown -ups. Today's episode is sponsored by Smurfs.
The new movie about the Smurfs in theaters July 18th.
Yeah, The Little Blue Smurfs.
It's the perfect family movie for the summer if you like comedy, music, adventure, and Rihanna.
Yep, Rihanna is in it.
Along with an all -star cast of actors that I love, including my faves, Amy Sedaris, Alex Winter, and Kurt Russell.
Yes! And did I mention Rihanna?
Yeah, she plays Smurfette.
And there's new Rihanna music in the movie, too.
Best of all, I love that Smurfs focuses on themes of friendship, teamwork, finding yourself, and being kind to each other.
Basically, there's something for everyone in this film.
So, starting July 18th, make sure you Smurf your way to Smurfs in theaters.
You'll be glad you Smurfed.
Hey, grown -ups. See Story Pirates Live.
We're bringing the amazing adventure tour to more cities this fall in places like northern and central California, Idaho, Montana, and Oregon.
We want to see you there.
Get tickets at storypirates .com slash live.
What up, squirmy -wirmies?
It's your worm. DJ Squirm Alive, here to wish you a happy summer and to our American listeners, a happy 4th of July.
I love summer Barbecues, road trips, swimming Laptop DJ sets under the stars on the beach of Ibiza In front of thousands of screaming fans Blissing out to the greatest DJ set ever Who also happens to be a worm, a .k .a.
me But sometimes I think my favorite part about summer is baseball That's right, the old bat, ball and glove The smell of fresh grass and dusty dust I just love going to a baseball game in the summer The games themselves are almost unfathomably long So I can just kick back and relax And if you're lucky, you get to see what's called a mound visit, where the coach and a bunch of players all go to the pitcher's mound to have a conversation about what they had for breakfast, I'm assuming.
And if you're really lucky, the pitcher gets hungry again right then, and then they have to bring in a new pitcher so that the old pitcher can go get a snack.
And then you get to wait even longer while the new pitcher warms up Because apparently he didn't know coming into the game was a possibility So he couldn't warm up on his own earlier I just love relaxing And I love baseball And that's why today's mixtape is especially exciting Because it takes place At a baseball stadium!
Let's go! Here we are at the old ballpark, ready for a casual game of baseball to while away the hours.
Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs!
Oh, I almost forgot about hot dogs.
Hot dogs are the number one food at baseball games.
Everyone eats them.
Even DJ Squirmalot loves a hot dog.
I'm a worm of the people, after all.
Piping hot hot dogs.
Get one while they're hot.
I'll take a hot dog, sir.
What's this? Did one of my hot dogs jump out of the hot dog water?
Uh, no, sir. I'm not a hot dog.
I'm a DJ. And now the hot dogs are talking to me.
I better pick this one up before my customers see.
Huh? Wait. What are you doing?
Here you go, little pink hot dog with sunglasses on.
Let's just put you right here in this fluffy hot dog bun.
Oof. Well, uh, this is pretty soft and comfy, but hey, you, I'm not a hot dog.
I'm a worm. Quiet, hot dog.
You'll scare the baseball fans.
Say, you actually look like an especially delicious hot dog I'm not a hot dog And I've been working hard all day shilling hot dogs to everybody's but myself Hey, mister, stop it!
You don't know what you're doing!
Maybe it's time old hot dog salesman got a hot dog for himself This is ridiculous But first, you know, I can't eat a hot dog plain, right?
Uh -oh. I gotta put the fixings on it, like ketchup.
Ah! Mustard. Come on!
And that's it. Phew!
Actually, I'll have some mayo, too.
Who puts mayo on a hot dog?
Okay, little talking hot dog, I'm gonna eat you now.
But, uh, do you mind if I take off your sunglasses first?
Of course I mind. Oh, well, um, I guess they'll add a nice little crunch, then.
Wait, hot dog seller.
Please, just wait. Wait!
Before you eat me, I just have one last request. I'm listening.
Before you eat me, I'd like to introduce the first song on today's 4th of July mixtape.
Uh, I have no idea what that means, but okay!
Okay, squirmy wormies, here's the first track of today's mixtape from 7 -year -old Malachi in Pennsylvania.
Here's Butts. Listen kids and grown -ups too I got important news for you Stop what you do and take my advice If you can hear my voice clap twice Now grab a pen and write this down And spread the word all over town Butts are everywhere Butts are nowhere Butts are up your underwear Butts are long Butts are strong Butts want to live in Hong Kong I know it's shocking what you heard me say But now's not the time for Q &A I said what I said It's in black and white And we'll be on the news tonight Freaking news about the butts Do what you will with the information Cause the butts are getting information Butts
are everywhere, butts are nowhere Butts are up your underwear Butts are long, butts are strong Butts want to live in Hong Kong And the butts are moving Butts are groovin' And the buts are groovin' Look to the sky, you'll see their flight Cause the buts are leavin' town tonight Butts are everywhere, butts are nowhere Butts are up your underwear Butts are long, butts are strong Butts want to live in Hong Kong Butts are everywhere, butts are nowhere Butts are up your underwear They live there now Getting an apartment In her apartment And I don't know The people I really know So yeah Welcome back
to the Story Pirates 4th of July Mixtape I'm your host, DJ Squirmalot.
And that was an amazing song called Butts.
Ha ha! Okay, hot dog.
Are you done yet? Can I eat you now?
I suppose. At least I was able to leave my fans with one hot track from today's mix tape.
I always hope to be doing what I love when I'm finally eating.
Honestly, I thought it would be a bird, though.
Not a hot dog vendor.
You sure are talkative.
Here I go. Goodbye, cool world.
Surprise! Huh? DJ Squirmalot, it's me, Lee.
Lee, you sell hot dogs on the side?
Yeah, and when I saw you here at the game, I just knew I had to pull a prank on you.
But that voice... You mean this one?
Yeah, that didn't sound like you at all, Lee.
Let's just say that I have an undergraduate degree in theater.
Ooh, fancy. And impressively.
But did you really think it was nice for you to put me in a hot dog bun, cover me with condiments, and make me think that you were about to take a big bite out of me?
You're right. I guess I got out of hand.
But how about I clean you off with this bucket of hot dog water?
Wait! Don't. Look, you're all clean now.
Now, say, how about I take the rest of the day off and you and I just watch the whole game together?
Sounds good, Lee, but first, let's check out another track on today's mixtape.
From a 10 -year -old in New York named Ruba, here's Bad Art Werewolf.
begins one Saturday afternoon.
On a Saturday afternoon.
I went to the National Art Gallery of New York and my daddy came too.
Daddy came too. Well I knew that it was risky to take my daddy with me but it started off good.
Pretty good. Yeah. Then he made a scene at the museum just as quickly as I should've known he would Because he's a bad art werewolf Yes, he's a bad art werewolf Well, daddy was cool as we strolled through the big glass door We saw some paintings and some sculpture and some other kinds of old We were havin' such fun, I forgot what I was worried for Just enjoy the weather and enjoy the gallery But when we got into the garden, my daddy started stallin' at the sight that we saw Yeah, there were robots on trapeze That made my daddy so displeased He didn't like this exhibit at all Because he's a Bad
Art He's a Bad Art Werewolf He's a certified Bad Art A Bad Art Werewolf Bad Art He's a Bad Art Werewolf He gets so opinionated When art gets overrated We have a werewolf in the gallery Now you might assume That he changes under the magic of a cold moon But be aware, there are lots of different kinds of werewolves out there.
My father's an artist, and that's what he knows about.
So when art offends his good taste, the wolf in him comes out.
When it was over, I could see the damage he had caused.
Exhibit destroyed by his canine teeth and werewolf claws And that's against the rules And when my dad returned to normal The Darth came up to formally request we depart We gotta go right now Well, we never did return And it was that day that I learned To never take my dad to sleep at all Never again Because he's a Bad dog He's a bad dog werewolf Bad dog He's only a star because hard as a job Bad dog He's a bad dog werewolf Bad dog Yeah Yeah, he's a battle wolf I remember a scary week back in the early aughts When the creatures and the critters started to speak That's right, they learned to talk
It started on a Monday day.
With mammals they were first. They looked at each other, took a deep breath, and what came out were words.
The cow said, ooh, hey -oh, coyote!
The coyotes, they would shout, hey tasty morsel, was what they said.
The humans were so freaked out.
It was so freaky, I was just like, what is happening?
And then my dog looked me right in the eye and goes, I I have no idea.
And then we just stared at each other for a full hour being like, What?
Cause it was animal week, animal week.
The week that the animals learned to speak.
On Tuesday all the reptiles started talking too.
They said, get away from my eggs.
Get away from my eggs.
If it sounds to you like that was an error, it wasn't.
We were screaming in terror.
Cause it was animal week, animal week.
The week that the animals learned to speak.
So when it was all about the fish, they had a lot to say.
Once they started talking, they talked and talked all day.
They said, plop -plop -ah, plop -plop -ah.
They were pretty overzealous and the humans were helpless.
Why? Cause it was Animal Week, Animal Week.
The week that the animals learned to speak.
Dance break! Hey! oh hey wow oh my body doesn't work the way it used to oh boy i'm gonna sit for the rest of this Well this story has an ending, but it isn't very fun.
See the rest of the week was happy.
Yeah. Turns out the animals were actually really friendly and everyone had a good time.
Nothing specific happened on Thursday or Friday and the weekend, well, It was a blast. But then the week, well, it was done.
The animals had to go back to normal and only speak to their own kind.
But now whenever I see a dog or a cow or a snake or even a goose...
Get out of here, goose.
I wonder what's on their mind Because of Animal Week, Animal Week The week when the animals learn to speak Yes, it was Animal Week, Animal Week The week that the animals learn to speak What's up Squirmy Wormies It's the Story Pirates Fourth of July Mixed Tape And I'm your host DJ Squirmalot And that was Animal Week By eight year old Ronan In Rhode Island Look, DJ Squirmalot A fly ball He hit that one hard It's going And going...
And he caught it. Huh.
Oh, well. Maybe the next one.
Look! That one's definitely heading out of the park.
It's going... And going...
And... He caught it.
Oh, well. You want a hot dog?
Lee, I think my appetite for hot dogs is pretty much gone for the time being.
Oh, because I pretended I was going to eat you.
And because you doused me in hot dog water.
Right. Um, sorry about that.
Hey, that's summertime, baby.
Sometimes someone's gonna pretend you're a hot dog.
Look! That one's coming right at us!
You have to catch it, Lee!
But I don't have a glove!
Use your bucket of hot dog water!
Okay, here it comes!
Lee! You caught it!
and splashed hot dog water over everyone in our section.
Uh, yeah, I don't like the way everyone's looking at us right now.
We better get out of here.
Ha, ha, ha. Okay. And while we head out of the stadium quickly, let's play you another hot track.
From fifth grader Lily in Arkansas, here's Pizza Revenge.
and pizzas we have a problem people are eating hot dogs instead of pizza and those lousy hot dogs are rubbing our noses in it we need to get our revenge with our best agent on the case pep yes meg what are you waiting for go i am a slice of pepperoni pizza pep is a slice of pepperoni pizza i am a slice of cheesy cheesy pizza Egg is a slice of cheesy, cheesy pizza, and we've got a big old problem spreading through the land.
Hot dogs aren't too popular, which we can't stand.
The pizza market's plummeting from low demand.
Luckily, we've got something planned.
Cause people ought to eat pizza, and say we're happy to eat stuff.
Because if they did, they'd say yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum Because nobody should eat hot dogs, your yucky mystery meat box So now it's time to have our piece of revenge Okay, I'm going to get the computer ready Our boss is counting on us to do this right See you in an hour Bet I'll be done in just a couple minutes 20 minutes later Ugh, it's not working, it must be a wire Thirty minutes later!
Yes! I got it fixed!
I bet it's gonna end up great!
TERRIFIC! Now we can do the final and hardest part of this plan!
Now it's time to make a little video!
Yes, we're gonna make a little video!
Tell the world the things that you and I know!
Pizza wonders and hot dog horrors, yo!
Alright, let's take a look at this video of yours.
Let's pop it in here, and press play!
Hot dogs are yucky and pizza is yummy Eating a hot dog will upset your tummy Hot dogs are rotten and pizza is rockin' The things in a hot dog are really quite shockin' Did you know hot dogs are filled with rocks?
Did you know hot dogs are filled with socks?
Did you know hot dogs are filled with teeth?
Did you know hot dogs are filled with Keith?
Hey, that's funny, my name's Keith!
Wait, but that means...
Oh! And you say this thing has already gone viral?
That's right, boss.
Listen to this crowd outside.
Oh, we'll never be hot dogs again.
Our video has started spreading far and wide.
We share the truth of hot dogs and the stuff inside.
So several pizza humans are now horrified And now only want pizzas to eat Hot dogs have been defeated So now we're gonna eat pizza And say we're happy to eat, yum And when they do they'll say yum yum yum Yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum yum Cause everybody loves pizza And we're so happy to eat, yum And that's the way the pizza's got their revenge And that's the way the pizza's got their In our point of view Revenge!
Wow, that baseball game sure was amazing.
I can't believe we watched the whole thing, Lee.
Um, DJ Squirmalot, we left in the third inning.
Hmm, that tracks. Okay, squirmywormies, we'll be right back after these quick words for the grown -ups.
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Sign up for your one dollar per month Welcome back, my squirmy wormies.
Let's keep the party going with a tune from seven -year -old Behan in Ontario.
Here's The White Color Box.
I was painting on the rocks I could not open the white colored box I did what I had to I made the rescue service call Mr. Rabbit came by He can't open the box Rabbits are a little not strong Mr. Elephant came, he put his trunk in the box He swallowed it whole and spit it back out I was painting on the rocks I could not open the white colored box I did what I had to I made the rescue service call Mrs. Lyon came by and she tried and she tried But all her nails broke Kangaroo tried to jump but her feet hurt too much She had had enough, she had enough Finally monkey arrived and he opened the box And he
painted lion's nests He massaged kangaroo's legs He gave purple carrots to rabbits And some broccoli to elephants They all got up and left his back They heard the phone ring, no time to pack Someone else had made the rescue service call Someone else that made the rescue service come Welcome back to the Story Pirates, 2025, 4th of July, mixtape, I'm your host, DJ Squamalot, Let's get dancin' again with this track, the raccoon's very hard choice, BOO!
BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO!
The best food for us raccoons The best food is trash and garbage The best food for us raccoons Is trash and garbage What a life eating garbage Trash and garbage For Rufus the raccoon And his raccoon friends The taste of sweet and smelly garbage We eat alfresco Under the moon All those leftover tissues And candy wrappers We love them all We love them all Every night eating garbage There's nothing better than garbage big and small Here we go The best food for us raccoons The best food is always garbage The best food for us raccoons Is trash and garbage Trash and garbage Alright, Raccoons of Maple
Avenue It's Thursday night Which means one thing It's trash night Jeff, give him the rundown Well, the Henderson family has four bags of garbage out tonight The Smith family threw out a bunch of old newspapers Hey, Rufus, where are you going?
He's opening the Miller family's door Rufus, you know the rules We can only eat the humans' trash outside on the curb It's fine, guys, they're at the beach I just want to check to see if they're hiding any garbage in the house Here I go What a nice little kitchen I like the backsplash And the fridge I think that's where they hide all the garbage Let's take a look -see Just a smidge So much weird looking stuff here These little red things They smell okay One small bite wouldn't hurt me Here goes nothing What are these yummy things?
Make my heart start to sing.
Let me see if I can make out the spelling.
Hmm, strawberries. And what's this?
Lettuce. Fruits and vegetables!
vegetables i've heard about those i gotta go tell the others the best food for us raccoons the best food is always garbage the best food for us raccoons raccoon friends listen up i just discovered the most delicious food it's garbage yes must be garbage and now my whole perspective has been skewed it's garbage what kind of garbage at first it might seem a little scary but try some of these vegetables and strawberries Ah, berries.
Wow! This changes everything.
What's the best food for us raccoons?
Is it fruit or the trash and garbage?
What's the best food for us raccoons?
Is it fruit and veggies or trash and garbage?
I think we should vote!
Hi, I'm June Hughes with Raccoon News, reporting live from Maple Avenue where the local raccoons are deciding whether the best food is trash and garbage or their newly discovered fruits and veggies.
God, it's 14 votes for garbage and 14 votes for fruits and veggies.
Wolfish, it's up to you to break the tie.
We've spent our life eating garbage which helps the humans and helps the Earth.
That's true. But healthy foods help our bodies Like fruits and veggies We know they're worth That's also true To end this crazy dilemma This food dilemma We must take an oath What kind of oath?
The best food now isn't garbage What?
Or fruits and veggies What?
It's both Oh The best food for us raccoons The best food is fruit and garbage The best food for us raccoons Is food and garbage Treasures and veggies We need to I could choose this world Once there was a whale named Glowy Hi He lived in a luxury cave mansion Sweet He was always happy eating krill pot roast And playing his fish station for in single -player mode One day the whale named Chloe.
That's me. It's cleaning his Ginormous bathtub cuz I'm aware when he suddenly realized despite the size of his cave. He felt small and alone Ha he swam through every room and he felt something Was missing he swam through every room and he said Something is missing A friend, friend, that's what I need A friend, someone to share my luxury cave mansion with me A friend, friend, that's what I need A friend, so he decided to search the sea Chloe's krill flakes Swam out the double doors When he found a sea urchin Chilling on the ocean floor Will you be my friend?
Asked Chloe Eek! Said the sea urchin He was scared of Chloe's size Chloe said Oh well, that's fine I'm off to find a friend That's what I need Someone to share my luxury cave mansion with me A friend That's what I need Someone to share my luxury cave mansion with me We can make a krill paw roast on my stove And switch my fish station for a multiplayer mode That's what I need So he continued to search the sea Chloe started swimming towards a coral reef where he found no clownfish in the limelight.
Will you be my friend, asked Chloe.
Eek! squealed the fish.
He was afraid of Chloe's booming voice.
Chloe said, this is harder than I thought.
I hope by now I would have caught a friend.
That's all I need Somebody who isn't afraid of me A friend, that would be sweet Somebody who can live in my mansion with me Somebody I can welcome to my home And when I'm home I call him up on my cellular phone Yeah, a friend, that's what I need So he made one last attempt to search the sea Glowy had nearly lost all hope When he changed his course and swam towards the North Pole There he found a narwhal munching on krill So he mustered up his courage and all his will Can you be my friend?
Asked Glowy. Sure. Said the narwhal.
He wasn't scared of Glowy's booming voice or size.
In fact he said, Fishes often swim for me, frightened o' the horn between my eyes.
And Glowy said, I would never swim away, as your friend I'm here to stay.
Yeah! I finally found a friend, I love it!
It would make me sweet, If you shared my LingerieCave mansion with me I found a friend You'll see All the fun we'll have together you and me We can make a creole pot roast on the stove And play like Fish Station 4 and Vaulted Layer 4 Cause we're friends That's all we need Somebody to cook with And play with And live with And stay with In the LingerieCave mansion In the deep blue sea and I lived happily ever after.
It's the Story Pirates 4th of July mixtape and I'm DJ Squirmalot, a Squirm Squirm man!
My wormies, that last song was Glowy and the Friend Adventure by two brothers, Clive and Silas in California California.
And we have time for one more track.
From Lucy, a seven -year -old in New Mexico, here's Old Man Homer.
DJ Squirmalot, out!
Lucy, come check this out.
Yeah, this very special gadget works like a phone.
In the moment Lucy saw it, man, I should have known.
She begged and she pleaded and she wanted to learn how to use a special phone.
So I gave her a turn.
So I said, where do you want to go?
She said, 1900 and meet the bell and the photo on our wall.
I'm going back in time with you.
Old Man Homer. I'm paying Old Man Homer a call.
Well, the trip to 1900, it was pretty fast With a few clicks on my phone, she had made it to the pass Her town looked different, no cars or malls It was simpler times here in Seneca Falls Lucy looked for Homer, she went door to door She found him doing shopping at the generous store She said, excuse me, Mr. Homer, can I have a word?
I came from far away, I flew here like a bird He said, where you coming from?
She said, from the future You're the fella in the photo on the wall Headed back in time to meet old man Homer I'm paying old man Homer a call I'm a relative of yours from the future My name's Lucy Nice to meet you, Lucy How are things in the future?
Honestly, not great But hey, listen We only have one photo of you in our whole house Taking photographs is mighty hard around these parts Well, I have something for you that might change that in the future taking photos is a breeze click this button just smile and say cheese okay back in the future lucy ran inside and she climbed into the attic where the photo books would have Sitting at the bottom was a dusty book Though with all the photographs that Homer went and took And I said Where these photos from?
She said 1900 from the fella In a photo on her wall Headed back and down You meet old man Homer I paid old man Homer a call Woo!
Alright I love taking pictures Thank you.
