Hey there, and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything you want advice on.
And then I give you my very unprofessional advice.
And then hopefully you take it with a grain of salt.
And today's topic is a familiar one, the topic of relationships, dating, love, romance.
This is a reoccurring topic here on Anything Goes.
But to make it a bit spicier, today we're going to be discussing distrust in love, jealousy, trust issues, the not -so -fun stuff.
And so without further ado, I say we should just begin.
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Now, back to the episode.
Alright, starting with number one.
Somebody said, the guy I'm in love with wants an open relationship, but I don't know if I'll be too jealous.
What do I do?" All right, let's break it down, okay?
Your boyfriend wants an open relationship, and you are clearly hesitant.
I say that you're clearly hesitant because you're thinking about it to the point where you're asking me what you should do.
Like, you know, a lot of decisions in life require an hour or two of thought, this is clearly bothering you, sticking with you.
To the point where you're asking me, a random lady on the internet, what you should do, okay?
That already tells me that this is not something that you're naturally comfortable with.
This is not something that you have a really good feeling about, okay?
If this was something that you were naturally inclined to do, if it felt organic and authentic to your personality, it would have never made it to the AnythingGo's Instagram account.
I can guarantee that.
Actually I can't guarantee anything.
I am not God but I can reasonably guess that this is not sitting right with you.
Now before we go any further, let me tell you my take on open relationships, okay?
I have to start by saying that open relationships don't work for me.
and I'm saying that without ever being in one because I know myself enough to know that that is not a romantic structure that would work for me, okay?
I know that for me, personally, romance, intimacy, connection at that level is far too fragile for me to allow another person into that equation.
I know that dating and romance and all these things are so sacred to me that involving somebody else would completely destroy the relationship for me psychologically.
And it would destroy me psychologically.
It would destroy the relationship in my brain psychologically but it would also, on a personal level, outside of the relationship, destroy me psychologically.
It would destroy the relationship because I wouldn't feel like the bond that I have with that person would be ours anymore, and that's something I don't think I could handle.
You know, I think what makes part of what makes a romantic monogamous relationship so special is that it's a relationship between me and one other person that is unlike any other relationship I have with anyone else on the planet at that given moment.
You know, it's somebody who I'm in some ways trialing to be potentially like the father of my children.
Like it's a serious thing to me, it's incredibly deep and vulnerable and if another person was involved in it in some way romantically, it would break that bond.
At least in my mind, okay?
It just would ruin it for me.
And if that was something that my partner needed in a relationship, I wouldn't be able to do it.
But I also think that being in an open relationship would ruin me as an individual psychologically.
I think, again, in a monogamous relationship, somebody else and you, but somebody else is sacrificing their ability to be with other people to choose you, right?
and that sacrifice means a lot to me, you know?
Like when somebody chooses to be with me in a monogamous relationship, that means a lot to me, and I think, you know, if my partner was dead set on being in an open relationship, I think it would fuck with me, because I have the capacity to be in a monogamous relationship.
That's what I want, and I can be totally satisfied with just one person, you know?
And so I think it would fuck with my self -esteem, which is not necessarily a good thing, right?
Ideally, our self -esteem is not coming from our partners, but rather it's coming from our, you know, who we are as individuals and our work ethic and, you know, what type of people we are.
Ideally, you know, if we're good people, then you know, that boosts our self -esteem.
It should come from ourselves rather than from others.
But I do know myself and I do think if my partner, you know, wanted to go sleep with somebody else that night and didn't choose me, I think that would fuck with my self -esteem.
I'm being realistic, I know myself and I think that would bother me.
I think I would get jealous and I think, I don't know, I think just in general, the turbulence of having my partner be with people that are not me, I think that that, sitting in the back of my head at all times would really be challenging for me and would cause overall emotional instability.
So that is a long explanation as to why I personally don't choose to be in open relationships, but I wanted to give you that background before I kept going, because, I obviously have bias, right?
It's not something that works for me.
It's not something I've ever even tried or considered because I just know it wouldn't work for me.
However, I do have some friends that either are in open relationships or have experimented with open relationships.
Like I know people who have experienced this.
And I've heard mixed reviews, okay?
Some people love it.
Some people think it's great.
You know, it sometimes comes with a bit of tension and drama because I think naturally when you involve another person, you know, it can cause a bit of drama, right?
but there are some people that I know who are like, but ultimately it's worth it.
And then I know other people who have tried it and been like, ugh, no, not for me.
So I really do think it comes down to who you are as an individual and what you're looking for in a relationship, right.
Like there are some people who I genuinely believe are wired for open relationships, I've seen it.
I've talked to people who feel that way and it's hard for me to comprehend because I'm so the opposite and I'm so monogamous, and that's so what I like, but it does exist. People do love it, people do find value in it.
And I think it depends on you, okay?
I also think that there's occasions.
Now, this is not me trying to ruin the reputation of those who wanna be in an open relationship because I don't think that this is always the case.
I think some people genuinely are wired to just really love open relationships and it works for them and they love it and if they can find somebody else who loves it, it's a happy ever after kind of story, right?
But I think there are some people who are afraid of commitment and they want to sort of be able to have their cake and eat it too, right?
In some ways, they want a traditional sort of monogamous relationship.
But on the other hand, they're like, but I don't think I'm ready yet.
So I'd rather just ask my partner if we can be open so that I can basically like I don't have to feel boxed in or fully committed.
Now that's totally fine if the other person is cool with it, right?
But I'm very protective of people who are like me who do not like open relationships because I do feel like sometimes, especially in like Gen Z, there can be sort of a stigma around people who are in monogamous long -term relationships where it's like, I don't know, maybe it's considered vanilla at times.
It's like vanilla, it's, you know, super traditional, it's not modern, it's maybe even close -minded.
Some people believe it's close -minded to not be open.
There's much more of a discourse around it today in my generation than there probably ever has been before, you know, I think the conversation is getting louder, and that's great, however, I'm protective of people like me who don't like it, who aren't wired for it, because in the same way that it works for some people, it doesn't work for other people.
And if it doesn't work for you, you're not vanilla, you're not close -minded, it just doesn't work for you.
So, let's go back to the question that was asked, okay?
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The guy I'm in love with wants an open relationship but I don't know if I'll be too jealous, what do I do?
What you need to figure out is if this is something that you're willing to try, okay?
It's clear to me that you're not loving the idea of it so far.
Again, it made its way to me.
So you're definitely deeply questioning it and you're thinking about it a lot, which means the answer's not obvious.
But if it's not an obvious no to you, then that means that there is still a little chance that it's something that you'd be willing to potentially try.
So I think the next thing you need to figure out is, are you willing to try it?
Are you willing to potentially risk some level of psychological discomfort to experiment with this, with your partner.
And I say risk potential psychological discomfort because for me, somebody who does not like open relationships, if I were to be so in love with somebody that I said, you know what?
It's totally fine, I'll try it.
We can do an open relationship.
And then a week later my partner is, like, having sex with somebody else and not responding to my calls, I would be upset.
I would just be upset.
That would be upsetting to me.
Not because I'm territorial.
Not because I'm like clangy.
Not because I'm overly jealous or my self -esteem is low.
Because I am NOT wired for non -monogamous relationships.
So that would upset me, you know?
So you to ask yourself that.
Are you okay with the potential emotional discomfort that might come with this?
Now if the answer is yes, give it a try and then listen you might end up loving it it might end up really working for you.
You might end up having like a great sort of communication with your partner that allows this to be possible.
You might be really open with each other.
This might end up being a beautiful thing.
It also might end up being a catastrophe and you're heartbroken and and it's sad and and you break up and it's and it's a catastrophe.
You won't know until you try how you're gonna feel about it, right.
So giving it a try might be the answer for you, but it's also okay to be like, I actually can't, you know, responsibly agree to this with my partner because I know that it will be the ultimate demise of this relationship and, And really be a setback for me personally because I'm gonna find myself in an emotionally turbulent sort of place, right?
Any time you put yourself into a situation that is harmful, you're setting yourself back in a way that's not necessarily a bad thing at all, but it's something to consider, right?
It's similar to like when you're going through a breakup and your ex texts you and you're like, fuck.
I know I can't go back to this ex because we have a toxic relationship you know they're really avoidant and every time I'm with them you know my self -esteem dips dramatically and we just have a really toxic relationship.
Like I shouldn't respond but you're uncomfortable going through this breakup and so you're basically choosing what pain hurts less like would you rather mourn the loss of the relationship continue to mourn the loss of the relationship but hopefully be in a stronger better place soon, better off without this person?
Or would you rather get sort of a boost of excitement by responding to your ex and opening that door again, but long term, putting yourself into a position where you're hurting yourself in a way, and you're going to be held back by that decision?
Because any time you make a decision that's sort of a regression in some way, you know, there's a price to pay for that.
Now, does that price teach you something?
absolutely but there's a price to pay, and in this scenario it's like if you know that this is gonna hurt you but because you love him so much you're like fuck it I'll just do this I'll do have an open relationship you're regressing you know you're going backwards you're not you're putting yourself into harm's way and you will pay a price for that.
Now only you can make this decision only you can so I can't tell you what to do because I'm not in your brain but I I think you really need to heavily consider how this is gonna end.
Think of it all the way through to the end.
And I would say make the decision that ends the best. I know it's potentially sad and scary to say to the man that you love, I don't wanna be in an open relationship even though that's what you want and you've said that you possibly even need.
I don't think I can do that for you but I really wanna be with you because you're the love of my life.
How do we figure this out?
That's a scary conversation to have. but I would say it's even scarier to lie to your partner and say, yes, this totally works, let's do it.
I want to be in an open relationship when you actually don't and then to end up breaking up anyway in probably a far more messy way and then be in a worse place than you needed to be in.
I wish you luck on this journey.
It's so tough. It's so tough when you love someone so deeply but there is a fundamental difference in opinions.
It's like Romeo and Juliet, in a way.
You know, where it's like, we wanna be together so bad, but we kinda can't.
It really is like that, it sucks.
So I wish you luck, and I send you both my love.
Okay moving on, somebody said, my boyfriend wants a threesome and I'm uncomfortable with the thought.
Is this normal in longterm relationships?
Am I not enough for him?
We already touched on a lot of this before, but this is a slightly different question.
So to start, your boyfriend wants a threesome and you're not comfortable with the thought.
That is 1000 % valid.
Do not, for a second, even doubt the validity of that feeling, okay?
It's all fun and games when two people are down for a threesome.
It's great, everything works smoothly, sometimes, usually.
Like, what a beautiful thing.
However, it can get really messy really quick when one person wants a threesome and the other person doesn't, right?
And again, like I mentioned earlier, I feel like there's this discourse in Gen Z nowadays that's—I don't know.
I think being in a long -term monogamous relationship can be considered vanilla, traditional, boring, old -fashioned, whatever, depending on the audience.
and I hate that. I really hate that.
If you want to be open, if you want to have a threesome in your relationship, that's amazing, go fucking do that.
If that feels comfortable for you, go do that.
But as I said earlier, if you want to be in a monogamous relationship, there's nothing wrong with that either.
And I'm being more defensive of the monogamous sort of relationship because I think that that's the dating genre that's perhaps, I don't know.
it's... depending on the audience it's more critiqued nowadays.
You know I would say wrongfully.
Like who cares what other people do sexually, romantically.
I'm getting kind of triggered by this topic.
I'm like ranting. Okay, anyway.
So to wrap up this thought, there is nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable by the thought of a threesome.
There is nothing wrong with that.
And I really hope that you don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
Now the next part of this question, is it normal in a long -term relationship for say a boyfriend to want a threesome?
I would say it actually probably is somewhat normal especially nowadays when threesomes and open relationships are much more common. I think in a long -term relationship it is definitely not abnormal for a boy to be like, oh it'd be fun to spice things up and add another person into the bedroom.
I don't think there's anything particularly weird or even wrong about that, right?
I think it is definitely a common thing and I think it's probably been a common thing for a long time, but you know, say 100 years ago, that was definitely taboo, you know, there were no threesomes happening in a socially acceptable way.
I think now, young people especially are like, if I have a sexual desire, I'm just gonna share it because we live in a very accepting time.
And so, I think it is normal.
However, that doesn't mean that you have to be okay with it.
Just because it's normal, doesn't mean that it makes sense for you and your relationship.
And the last part of this question was, am I not enough for him?
Is that why he wants a threesome?
I mean, I can't read your boyfriend's mind.
And listen, I wish I could.
Actually, I'm glad I can't read minds.
that's not a superpower that I want.
I like not knowing what people are thinking.
It's kind of a relief.
I think there are a few reasons why your boyfriend might want a threesome, okay?
Potential reason number one, because maybe his friends are having threesomes and he heard from his friends or maybe even from people on the internet that threesomes are really fun and really hot and it's a vibe and everyone should try it.
Like maybe it got recommended to him in some way.
That's a potential.
Potential option number two, maybe he's feeling a bit understimulated by your guy's sex life.
Not because you're not incredible or not because he doesn't love you but maybe he's somebody who watches a lot of dynamic porn and he's maybe feeling like there's not enough spice and maybe he thinks bringing another person in would spice things up.
That doesn't mean you're not awesome.
It might just be his own personal journey, like, sexually.
Maybe he's like, who knows?
Maybe he just needs a lot of stimulation.
Again, is that right?
Does that make it fair to you if it's not something that you want to do?
No. I'm proposing these potential scenarios with no bias towards him or against him.
These are completely neutral.
I'm just stating what it could possibly be, like what his reason could be.
A third option could be that maybe he is feeling a bit bored of the relationship, maybe he is kind of getting a bit of cold feet.
This is possible, and maybe he thinks okay I could save this relationship by bringing someone else in.
That's also a possibility.
But it doesn't really matter why he wants to do this, what matters right now is that you don't.
You don't want to do it, okay?
Now, to answer your question, am I not enough for him, it doesn't matter if he's getting bored of the relationship or if he just watches crazy porn and like wants to live it in real life, okay?
It doesn't matter what extreme he's on.
You are enough as a person, okay?
I won't have any of this.
Him wanting to have a threesome has nothing to do with the value that you bring as a human being.
You are incredible, you are enough, and there are many people on this planet that would love to be with you and wouldn't be asking you for a threesome, right?
Like this comes down to his sexual desires as an individual, okay?
And the other thing is, I think most young men would love to have a threesome.
But I think a lot of guys are just too scared to ask.
Like, I think most guys...
Are you kidding me?
Of course they... Do you know what I mean?
Like, I bet every guy I've ever dated has wanted to have a threesome while they were with me, but they all knew that I prefer monogamous relationships and so they never even asked because they already knew the answer would be no, right?
Like, I think most guys would love to have a threesome.
So no, I don't think it has anything to with you, I think your boyfriend just might be like well she's chill maybe she'll want to try.
You know who cares about if you're enough for him, you're enough in general okay you're enough.
Who cares about, no don't let him in his desire for a threesome rattle your self -esteem.
You're awesome you know that and don't let him get in the way of that by asking for a threesome.
Okay so with all that being said what are you to do now okay your Your boyfriend wants to have a threesome and you don't.
All right, time to sit him down.
Time to sit him down and say, listen, I love you, I want to be with you.
But number one, I really don't want to have a threesome.
That's just not going to work for me.
I just don't like the thought of it, it makes me uncomfortable and it's not going to happen.
Number two, you asking for a threesome has made me a bit insecure because I don't understand why you feel that you need that.
know, we have sex all the time.
We're dating. I get that it might get a bit routine because we've been together for a long time.
But you know, what are you not getting from me that you want to get from a third person?" And through this conversation hopefully you can come to a beautiful conclusion.
Perhaps your boyfriend will say, okay, no problem, babe.
We won't have a threesome and maybe we'll just try something else like little sexy outfits.
you know? Like fuck it.
Maybe you guys just need to spice it up in a different way.
That's totally normal to like get into a sort of routine like a sex routine in a relationship where you just kind of hit the same beats every single time.
That's totally normal and that does get somewhat boring at times you know.
Like in a long -term relationship you got to put the work in to keep things interesting and that's totally normal And so maybe this is just a sign that you guys need to, I dunno, maybe you need to dress your boyfriend up in a little doctor outfit where he has like assless chaps.
Maybe that will really fix everything, and then you can dress up in a little nurse outfit and you guys can do like medical role play.
I swear, this'll change everything, this'll fix everything.
No but you get what I'm saying.
You know, have sex in your kitchen or something.
Like that, honestly not, like I don't know that that would be fun, But figure out how to spice it up in a way that makes you both feel comfortable.
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Now let's get back to the episode.
Alright, moving on.
Somebody said, my boyfriend has gone out three weekends in a row until 5am with zero communication and it makes me feel so sad.
What do I do? Okay, yeah you feel sad.
Of course you feel sad.
That sucks. That is not fun in a relationship.
Okay? So your feelings of sadness are 1000 % valid.
It's wild what we allow people to do when we love them.
When I look back at past relationships I'm dumbfounded at the shit that I allowed. Dumbfounded, I can't believe it.
But it's because I love them or I thought I did, and it depends on the relationship but I loved them or I thought I did and I made excuses for them so that they could do whatever they want and be happy leaving me in the fucking dust, okay?
This sucks. And to be honest, like some people might think this is extreme.
But to me this is grounds for breaking up.
Like, I if my boyfriend like if I were in a relationship right now, who I am today, okay?
If I were in a relationship right now and all of a sudden my boyfriend started going out until 5 a .m. every weekend with no communication, I would break up with him immediately.
That's what I would do, okay?
That is a complete a deal breaker for me.
However, my advice is not to immediately break up because I don't know what's happening.
So I can't in good faith tell you to just break up with your boyfriend.
However, I don't like the sound of him right now, okay.
He sounds like a really bad fucking boyfriend.
You need to have a conversation.
You need to sit him down in the fucking daylight.
Sorry, I keep saying the F word. I need to stop cussing.
You need to sit him down in the daylight and say, what's going on?
I feel completely neglected every single weekend.
You're going out until 5 a .m., you're not talking to me.
And the weekends are the world's day off.
We're all not working, I want to hang out with you, I want to spend time with you.
It's the weekend, it's time to celebrate and have fun.
And you're going out until 5 a .m. and completely neglecting me.
This is not my idea, or really anyone's idea, of a fun, healthy relationship, okay?
A fun, healthy relationship would consist of spending time together on the weekends.
But if not spending time together, communicating on our separate ways.
It's just not fair.
It's anxiety inducing, and it feels like shit.
It feels shitty, it sucks.
And I mean, unless your boyfriend gives some sort of miraculous excuse.
I don't even know what he could say to be honest. I don't know what he could say that could make this forgivable.
Like, I hate this shit, I hate it.
I don't know what he could say.
I think the only thing he could say that could possibly make it forgivable would be if he just got super vulnerable and he was like, listen, I'm gonna be honest with you.
All of my friends are single.
I'm the only one in a relationship and recently I've been feeling really excluded in my friend group.
Like I just don't feel like I can connect with them because they all are single, I'm in a relationship and I really just want to make sure I maintain that friendship with those friends.
And so you know I kind of have to meet them on their level and they're going out every weekend and you know like I want to spend time with them and this is the sort of activity that they do.
So here I am hanging out with them you know but I and then if he also followed that up with I didn't know you were feeling this way.
If I knew that, I would have not done it.
What do you want me to do to make you feel more comfortable?" You know, how can we find a happy medium?
If he says that, literally verbatim, okay, maybe we'll consider forgiving him.
But really, any other response won't do.
Like, if he's like, "'Babe, I just want to go out with my fucking friends.
What's wrong with that?
Why are you being clingy?' Break up.
Break up. Break up." If he's like, like, I'm going to bed.
Like I just went to bed, break up, break up, any sort of defensiveness, any sort of lying, break up." But if he gets really vulnerable and it has to do with his friends or something, and he's trying to balance having you as a girlfriend, but also maintain these friendships with his friends, I get that that can be tough sometimes.
And sometimes you have to sort of, I don't know, you have to go out until 5 a .m. sometimes to hang out with certain friends.
So I get it, but he also needs to make sure that you feel comfortable this either by communicating better or by inviting you perhaps I don't know but the other thing is like this is suspicious behavior anyway, like I don't know I like to give people the benefit of the doubt like innocent until proven guilty until he admits to doing something wrong or you find something like in his I don't know like if a text pops up on his phone when it's charging and he's not in the room and you look over and it's from a girl saying what are you doing tonight baby like yeah okay then we have grounds to be suspicious
I try to not again like innocent until proven guilty but this is definitely suspicious behavior so you can also say that like to be honest I think you're cheating on me or I think you're trying to find somebody to cheat on me with like this just feels suspicious you can say that as well either way you need to have a conversation whether or not you want to confront him on the potential cheating I don't think that's as mandatory, I think his answer, there's a really strong chance that his answer's gonna be so bad that you'll discover that you should probably break up even before you find out whether
or not he's cheating.
Just because that's not boyfriend material.
Boyfriends should be treating you like you're precious, like you're valuable, like you're a priority in their lives and if they're going out three weekends in a row at five a .m., they don't, that's not the way that they're acting.
And I can promise you that there are guys out there that would make you feel like a priority, it does exist. You don't think it does until you experience it and then you're like, oh, whoa, this is possible.
It is possible. So you don't need to put up with this anymore.
But give him a little chance, communicate, and then unless he has a miracle explanation, break up.
That's my opinion. Okay, moving on.
Next. Somebody said, I've been dealing with a lot of relationship anxiety and I'm worried that he will leave. Help.
In my life thus far, every time that I've had relationship anxiety and it's been impossible to shake, it's been valid.
It's been valid. Listen, I had a few years of issues because, I don't know, I just, like I had some sort of, I had a few experiences in my life early on with dating that kind of fucked with my head and gave me a bit of trust issues, and those stuck around for a few years, but I actually it's interesting one of the relationships I was in I had horrible trust issues and relationship anxiety, the entire relationship, and I blamed it on my first relationship.
I blamed it on the residue from that first relationship.
I was like, this guy's so sweet to me.
He's actually really good to me.
I don't think I have anything to worry about.
But I still, for some reason, had horrible relationship anxiety, and so I blamed it on the trust issues.
Now, years later, looking back at that relationship, I realize, wait a minute, that wasn't residual trust issues from that first relationship.
but I genuinely had grounds to have trust issues and to have relationship anxiety because that particular person that I dated was incredibly avoided, you know?
Like, they never showed any signs of cheating or anything like that but they were avoided, you know?
And they weren't 100 % vulnerable with me and they weren't 100 % present with me and they were always, it always kind of felt like they had one foot in and one foot out, but it was tricky because they were also really kind a lot of the times and really could even be really thoughtful at times, but also had one foot in, one foot out.
I could feel, I felt like an instability and I convinced myself that it was the trust issues giving me that relationship anxiety, but in retrospect I realized, no, this person didn't make me feel safe in the relationship because they weren't vulnerable enough, they weren't open enough, they weren't comfortable enough with themselves to even be in a relationship.
So they were really sort of sparse with communication and really, it was a mess.
And so again, you can get relationship anxiety in a relationship with somebody who isn't doing anything wrong but is not in a place in their lives that they can be fully present in a relationship.
and that feeling of somebody not being present can give you relationship anxiety for no reason, for seemingly no reason.
But it's because they're not 100 % committed.
They don't make you feel safe.
They don't make you feel like they deeply love you and they would be there for you through thick and thin.
You don't feel that stability and I can guarantee you, you can find that stability.
So there's a really good chance that the reason why you're having relationship anxiety because the person that you're dating is not emotionally ready to be in a relationship and they're either severely avoidant which means like let's look up the definition of avoidant.
Avoidant attachment is an insecure attachment style where individuals feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy and prioritize independence.
It can develop in childhood due to a lack of consistent or sensitive responses to a child's needs from caregivers.
This leads to difficulties forming close relationships and trusting others as adults.
There's a chance that you're constantly dealing with your partner, sort of pulling away.
And it doesn't really make any sense to you because they love you and they want to be with you but then they're also simultaneously sort of pulling away but yet they're not like breaking up with you, it's this confusing sort of thing, I've experienced this.
There's a good chance that that's what you're experiencing.
And so, I think discovering the root of this relationship anxiety is the first step.
Okay? Is it what I'm describing?
That your partner is sort of avoidant?
Even though they're not cheating, you know that they're not doing anything wrong, but something still feels kind of off and it always has.
That's probably what it is.
You also might be dealing with relationship anxiety because you think that your partner isn't being loyal to you.
Perhaps they're cheating on you, or even just emotionally cheating on you.
Like, who knows? you might be feeling that, you might have a gut feeling about that because maybe you noticed him sort of flirting with somebody at a party and when you confronted him on it, he was like no, no, no, no, no, what, no, that's my friend.
Like don't doubt your relationship anxiety, okay?
There are occasions when we create relationship anxiety ourselves because we have trust issues or because we're anxiously attached, we have an anxious attachment style and we just irrationally think that our partner's gonna leave or whatever.
But I think more often than not, we don't trust our gut in relationships.
We convince ourselves that it's something else.
Because we don't want trauma, we don't want confrontation, we don't want, potentially, a breakup.
So we'd rather blame ourselves than really look deep into the relationship and figure out what the problem is.
So I really strongly encourage you to analyze your relationship, analyze yourself, and figure out the source of this relationship anxiety because until you do that, you can't solve it.
You know, you can't resolve it.
You might discover that it's just rooted in you and you have trust issues from the past or you're anxiously attached and so, you know, you're being a bit irrational and then you can go from there.
Or you might discover that your significant other's behavior here is leading you to this feeling.
Then you need to have a conversation with your partner about how to resolve this issue, because this is definitely an issue.
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This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.
June is men's mental health awareness month, and really this is something we need to talk about more.
There's a lot of pressure on men to be strong and stoic and stern.
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Somebody said, I love my boyfriend so much, but recently he feels uninterested and like he's pulling away.
I'm scared. What do I do?
Immediately confrontation.
Confrontation immediately.
Sit that boy down and say, what's going on?
You're pulling away, I feel it, what's going on?
I can't tell you how many fucking months of my life I've wasted in this sort of purgatory where I'm like, I feel like my boyfriend's pulling away, but he hasn't said anything yet, he's not like trying to break up with me or anything.
but also like wait did he just follow a girl on Instagram that's like kind of hot and like wait what's happening like I've been there I've been there and if I could go back in time actually I'm not gonna say it like that if I were to be put in that situation now feeling you know suspicious that my boyfriend's pulling away and starting to see certain signs you know instead of making excuses if I were to be in that situation now I would confront immediately.
Immediately upon feeling any .
. . if I felt the tiniest bit of pulling away I'd confront immediately.
That's what I would do next time, because I can't tell you the months and months and months of my life I have wasted trying to read between the lines, trying to figure out if a boyfriend has wanted to break up with me, you know, starting to investigate, doing my own investigating and driving myself nuts.
It's some of the months of my life, like when I look back at those months, it was miserable.
It was so miserable.
Please, for me, save yourself the grief, have the conversation.
You're gonna have to have it anyway.
Sit him down. I'm passionate about this one because I've experienced this and it was just so brutal and I didn't, I waited too long to have the conversation and I tortured myself.
Sit him down and ask him what's going on and listen, there's a chance that he's gonna be too scared at first. He's not gonna want to tell you the truth, you need to get an answer, okay.
You need some sort of answer.
His answer might be, no, I'm not pulling away from you, I'm just struggling with work.
Okay, at least that's an answer.
You need an answer.
Don't let them say, no, nothing's wrong.
What are you talking about?
That's gaslighting.
Not that we should be abusing the word gaslighting because everybody's abusing it these days.
But it is kinda gaslighting.
If you feel like something's off, then something's off.
And it is absolutely your right to get to the bottom of it.
And so you need to ask and you need to figure it out.
And a suggestion that I have for this conversation is to open the door for your partner to leave. When I was in the situation and I felt a boyfriend pulling away, multiple times I confronted this boyfriend and said, hey, I feel you pulling away.
Why don't you just fully pull away and why don't we break up?
Like why are we together, you know?
Like I don't feel like you're into this anymore.
Why are we still doing this?
And you know, the response was always like, because I don't wanna break up.
Like, I wanna be together, I still like love you or whatever.
And listen, we eventually broke up.
Spoiler alert, it's like, when things start falling apart, I think the best thing that you can do is give your partner an invitation to leave if they want to.
Now, if they choose time and time and time and time again to stay and together you work through the issue and ultimately come out the other side stronger, great.
But I think, I don't know, I just I always I think it's really helpful to go into the conversation saying listen I don't want you to feel trapped with me I don't want you to be afraid to break up with me I can handle it I'm a big kid all right if you want to break up with me stop like stop dragging me along you know it's upsetting to be in this relationship and for me to be putting in 100 % effort and you to be putting in 40 because you're clearly not into this anymore or something's wrong, you know.
So put me out of my misery.
Let me go. Because I don't like being in this and feeling confused.
I think that's a really helpful tactic when having these conversations is to say to your partner, listen, I can handle it.
I can handle it. It's not gonna be fun, but if you're over it, let's end it so that we can both begin the healing process sooner rather than later.
And last but not least, somebody said, I'm dating someone and I'm really happy with him.
He's an amazing guy who treats me great and I see a future with him.
I don't want to mess it up, but I find myself having dreams of another male friend of mine and it makes me feel guilty.
I don't know why these dreams keep happening.
What should I do about it?
Now when I'm around this friend, I feel uncomfortable.
I don't know how to move past this issue.
I love my boyfriend.
Please help. Is it normal to have intimate dreams about other people while in a happy relationship, I feel like a bad person.
We're human, okay? And listen, when in a monogamous relationship, we should strive to be as monogamous as possible, right?
But we can't fight our human tendencies.
We can't control our thoughts completely, right?
We can control how we respond to our thoughts and our feelings, but we often can't control our thoughts and our feelings.
Those things just sort of happen.
And so you are not a bad person for having sexual dreams about this male friend.
You are not a bad person, you can't control those dreams. I can tell that if it was up to you, you wouldn't have those dreams. You are not a bad person for having those dreams, and beyond that, you're not a bad person for being in a monogamous relationship and thinking someone's hot.
It's totally fine to think that.
It's normal, like what, you know you get into a monogamous relationship and magically you never think of another person romantically ever again?
Of course not. It's impossible.
The reason that you were able to get into the relationship that you're in right now is because you have those romantic desires.
Those are innate human desires.
Those don't just magically go away once you find a partner.
Those are permanent so like you feeling attracted to somebody else.
You having romantic dreams about somebody else, it's not a sign that you're a bad person, it's not a sign that your relationship needs to end, it's not a sign that, no, this is just normal and it's a slight rough patch in what will hopefully be a long and healthy relationship for you both.
This is gonna happen to both of you at some point in this relationship.
I can almost guarantee that at some point your boyfriend is gonna, I don't know, develop a little crush on somebody and feel really guilty about the way that they feel about that crush, it's so normal.
I've had conversations with certain boyfriends about people that we find attractive that aren't each other, like it's okay.
It's normal. I don't think it necessarily works for everybody to have an open conversation about that.
Not everyone feels comfortable with that, some people would rather not know because if they knew, then it would fuck with their head or whatever.
I personally, when I'm in a really safe, comfortable relationship, I don't mind, like, if we both...
If we like have a crush on somebody or something and it's like kind of a joke, that doesn't really bother me, actually.
Because I know that it's normal.
Like I've fully had conversations around that before in romantic relationships.
Like, you know, I've had a conversation like, who's the last person you thought was hot that wasn't me?
Like I've had that conversation and relationship and it was totally fine.
Because in that moment, we both knew that we wanted to be together and that no crush would get in the way of it.
We were both confident enough in the relationship that that actually didn't rattle us at all.
It's a completely normal thing.
And I think, listen, if you can be open and transparent about it with your partner in a way that makes sense, great, if not, just let the thoughts come and pass, right?
If you have a sexual thought about this male friend of yours that's not your boyfriend, let the thought come into your head and then let it go away.
Don't let it cause you stress and anxiety, just let it come and pass.
It doesn't need to be a big deal.
It's so normal, it's so human nature.
And I can almost guarantee that once you realize that it's okay, that you're not a bad person, that you're not doing anything wrong, that it's not your fault, and you get into the habit of letting those thoughts, those romantic thoughts come and pass, sort of smoothly, you'll actually just stop having the thoughts altogether.
I think you're almost obsessing over it because you feel bad about it and you feel like you're doing something wrong So it's making you think about it even more if you let it go and you're like now this isn't a big deal this is just normal and it'll pass and I know I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him and this is just a normal part of a long -term relationship every once in a while you start feeling kind of weird about somebody else and Then you're like, oh shit.
Is this bad like it's normal And I think once you realize that, it won't feel as scary when you have those thoughts and then eventually they just won't happen anymore because you'll forget.
You being concerned about it is making you think about it more, which is then making the dreams happen more often.
Making the thoughts happen more often.
It's totally fine and normal, do not worry.
That's it. That's it for today's advice session.
I hope that you all enjoyed it.
I enjoyed it. I had a load of fun.
If you want to hang out with me some more, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday.
Stream anywhere. Watch on YouTube and Spotify.
If you want to find Anything Goes on social media, at Anything Goes.
If you want to find me anywhere, I'm Emma Chamberlain.
And if you want to find my coffee company, it's Chamberlain Coffee.
I love you all. I appreciate you all.
It's always a pleasure to get to hang out and luckily for both of us, we get to do it twice a week.
So I'll to you in a few days.
Yay! I love you all.
I appreciate you all and I'll talk to you very very soon.
Bye!
