Hey, Story Pirates podcast listeners.
Lee here coming at you with a very special bonus episode called Deecards, where we go back into the Story Pirates archives for our weirdest and wildest stories.
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You can subscribe right in Apple podcast, get excited for some of the weirdest and funniest stories from the story pirates archives.
And this week they're all about weird TV shows coming up right after a few words for the grownups.
I'm very different from everybody.
Confusion is the step for curiosity.
Okay, that's a really funny idea.
We have to send that in.
I just get some joy when I hear other people giggling.
I believe all of the things in my story.
These human beings are just able to create.
The Story Pirates. Welcome to Story Pirates Decides, where we celebrate our favorite and weirdest stories from the Story Pirates Archives.
And today's Decides is all about weird TV shows.
Are you like me? Do you feel like there are too many TV shows?
You know, you probably don't feel that way, who am I kidding?
But take my word for it, there are too many.
And most of them aren't weird enough!
So here at Story Pirates, we have taken it upon ourselves over the years to make sure that the world has plenty of weird TV shows as presented in an audio -only format.
Because that makes sense.
So, let's play some of our favorites!
This first one is not only about a weird TV show, it's also about a weird TV show star.
Because, yeah, we don't have enough weird TV stars, either!
Here's the author to introduce it.
I'm Phoebe, and I live in Iowa.
I'm nine years old, and this is my story, the Adventures of Harold Jordan.
Hello. You've reached World Famous Celebrity Harold Jordan's Poolside Lounge Chair.
Harold Jordan speaking.
Harold baby, it's me, Derek, World's greatest talent agent.
How's my favorite client?
Couldn't be better Derek, everything I do goes straight to number one.
Frankly, my career is perfect.
You can say that again.
But I don't need to because I said it perfectly the first time.
You certainly did. Anyway, I'm calling because remember when you said the only medium you've yet to conquer was television?
And then I said get me a TV show that shoots in front of a live studio audience?
Exactly. Well, I did just that.
That's why you're the best, Derek.
Well, I'll need some time to prepare, of course.
Harold Jordan doesn't do anything unless it's perfect.
My reputation as a flawless celebrity is at stake.
So when do we shoot, six months, a year?
Well, uh, that's the thing.
It shoots in 10 minutes.
I'm sorry, what? Yeah, I totally forgot to tell you.
The network has been advertising the show for weeks now.
Go head and check your poolside TV.
Tonight in 10 minutes.
A brand -new TV show starring the one and only Harold Jordan.
What's the show about?
Who cares! It's Harold Jordan!
Everything he does turns out perfectly.
He said so himself.
I'm Errol Jordan, and everything I do turns out perfectly.
See what I mean? I'm sure this TV show will be no different.
After all, his reputation is at stake.
Tune in in about nine minutes.
Derek, this is terrible.
Why didn't you tell me?
Yeah, sorry about that.
They actually just called me to see if you were on your way.
Should I tell them you're not up for it?
No, I can't back out now.
Tell them I'll be there.
Okay, great. I gotta get to the studio.
Harold, you're still there?
Where are my keys? Harold, baby.
So I'll tell them you're coming?
Harold, did you hang up?
Here I go. It sounds like your car.
Harold, did you drop your phone by the pool?
All right. Good luck tonight.
OK, bye. Derek, you are a fantastic agent.
Buzz, is he coming?
As the announcer, I'm supposed to start the show right now, but Harold's not here and I don't even know what the show's called.
If Harold Jordan said he'd be here, he'll be here.
But he's only got about four seconds until I'm here.
Start the show. Here Harold, I wrote down some ideas on these cards.
Honestly, no one explained to me what this show is about.
So I'm not really sure if these ideas are good or very, very bad.
Gimme those, I'll make it work.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the, uh, Adventures of Harold Jordan.
We can't say welcome back.
This show is brand -new.
Oops. Too late. And here's your host, the Harold Jordan!
Whoa! Hey! Please be.
Thank you. Hello, everyone.
Welcome to the, um...
Adventures of Harold Jordan.
Uh, you see, this is the first episode, and all of our ideas are let me just take a look at them here on these cards oh wow yep okay these are all bad well that is a problem but it's okay um what should we do what should we do oh I know I'll just walk outside into these green plants and then I'll step on them with my shoe There!
Was that an adventure?
What do you think, audience?
That wasn't good! That wasn't good at all!
Okay, okay, that's fair.
Settle down. So maybe that wasn't the most interesting segment, but you know what?
I have a better idea.
Let's talk to the audience!
Hi, what's your name?
Oh, Kathy. Oh, hi there, Kathy, and where are you from?
Oh, here. Oh and and what do you do work great any fun facts about Kathy oh no let's get a big hand for Kathy everyone OK, please.
There is no need to boo.
Your show is trash!
OK, rude! And can we please stop the booing?
Hey, you know what'd be fun?
Let's cut to a commercial!
I'm sure it'll be a really entertaining one.
In fact, I promise you, you will love this commercial.
We'll be right back after a word from our very interesting sponsor.
Have you ever heard of a donut?
You know, those round bready circles that tastes real good?
I hope you said yes because I'm trying to sell them.
Hi. Hello. I'm Marge, and this is my donut shop it's called Marge's Donuts and even though it isn't made of donuts it's a shop made made out of shop parts like wall.
Okay was that enough for a commercial?
I think you need like five five more seconds five more oh boy but i said everything already maybe eat a donut okay that's a good idea wow this is a pretty good donut did i make this i don't think so oh okay well good job to whoever did and welcome back to the adventures of harold jordan okay But that commercial, huh?
Yeah, we blame you Harold Jordan me I didn't make that commercial, what do you know you're just the audience I'm sorry.
I I didn't need that.
Um, okay. Calm down Gerald you got this Did you just call yourself Gerald your name is Harold Harold Jordan what I don't did not just hate Gerald We all definitely heard you say Gerald.
Yeah, you said it in your microphone.
We all heard it. That's not true.
I didn't hear it. There, you see?
She didn't hear it so I must not have said it.
Because my hearing aids weren't on.
Okay, they're on now.
What did he say? He called himself Gerald.
But that's not his name.
His name is Harold Jordan.
That's what I said!
All right, if everyone could just calm down.
He's a fraud! This isn't what it looks like.
I could explain. No, please!
Oh, no. What a disaster!
My reputation is ruined!
Harold Jordan! What have you...
Sorry, hold up, that's my phone.
One sec, lemme just pop into my dressing room.
I gotta take this. You guys are the best. Hello?
Harold, baby, it's me, Derek.
How's the show going?
Not great. This might be the end of my career.
Oh, hardly, Harold.
I just got off the phone with the president of the network, and she says they've never had so many viewers.
Your show is, in her words, such an incredible train wreck that it can only be described as perfect television.
What?! Yeah. They want to commit to ten seasons.
What do you want me to tell them?
Tell them. Oh, don't pick me up.
Get back. Get back.
Hey, that's my phone!
Oh, no! Put me down!
Did you hear what I said?
Uh, you're breaking up.
are you in a tunnel?
Aww, should I tell them yes?
Harold? I think you're in a tunnel.
Harold? I'm gonna tell them yes.
That's good with you, right?
Me saying yes, okay, great.
Anyway, good luck with the rest of your show.
Sounds like it's going great.
Okay, okay, okay. Good talking to you Harold baby.
wow I really am a fantastic agent make sure to tune in next time to see what happens to Harold Jordan in the adventures of Harold Jordan and the angry audience I watch that the end welcome back to story pirates death where we've learned that if there's a weird TV show Star on a show.
It's probably going to be played by Peter.
In fact, Peter kind of monopolizes weird people on TV here at the Story Pirates podcast, like in this next story about a weird TV show.
Except this one isn't exactly a TV show, I don't think.
I think it's a show that you play using a VCR.
What's a VCR? Ask your weird uncle!
But before you do that, check out the story.
Here's the author to introduce it.
Hi I'm Ella, I'm 11 years old and I live in Pennsylvania.
This is my story and it's called How to Be a Great Sales Person.
Pumpernickel Productions presents.
Sales. Confidence. That's my final offer.
It's your loss. And welcome back to my home video series, How To Be A Great Salesperson.
My name is Gilbert Pumpernickel and I'm a rather glamorous salesman, if I do say so myself.
Now I know what you're all probably thinking, Gilbert, knocking on door after door, selling random products sounds like an incredible career.
Well, I'll tell you a little secret.
It is. Haha! That's right!
And while normally I try to eliminate my competition, I have decided instead to give you all some tips on being a wonderful salesperson like me.
Let's begin, shall we?
Part 1, be aggressive Always remember, as a salesperson, you've gotta be aggressive.
Customers will always know if whatever you're selling is worth buying by how confident you seem.
Take Charlie here, for example.
Yes? Hi, would you like to buy this set of encyclopedias?
Hmm, maybe. Are they any good?
Oh boy, that's the real question, isn't it?
I did buy a set for myself, but was it worth it?
Honestly, not really.
I'm so sorry. I'm gonna leave now in the only way fit for a person as lowly as myself, by flinging myself off of your porch and into your bushes where I will then lie, perfectly still until you close the door?
I actually could use some encyclo - Here I goooooooo!
Are you okay? Go on without me!
Oh, Charlie! Not very confident.
Let's try that again.
But this time, remember be aggressive!
Yes? Listen up, mister!
Today's the day you buy some encyclopedias!
Wow! Such confidence!
I'm sold! Here's all my money!
I think you mean all my money!
Yes I do. Wow! Another satisfied customer!
Part 2. Mix It Up Remember, people need variety.
As a salesperson, you must associate with as many brands and companies as possible.
When a customer asks for options, you don't want to be left empty -handed.
Let's see how Shelly does.
See? This is a pretty nice vacuum cleaner.
But still have any other options?
Uhm... options? Oh no, oh no, this is all I have. Why?
What was I thinking?
What have I done? Does anyone here know what Shelly was missing?
Porosity! The spice of life!
Let's try that, one more time!
See, this is a pretty nice vacuum cleaner, But still have any other options?
I sure do, right here in my trunk.
Wow, that's a lot of vacuum!
Certainly, that's all you… Nope, they're still coming.
Wow, surely it must be nearing the end.
Okay, I was wrong. Somehow it picked up steam.
This is a lot of vacuums. Please, madame, make it stop.
I'll take them all of them if you just make it stop.
Sold! Now, that's a sale.
Part 3 Make Sure to Linger At this point, you're probably eager to get out there to start making sales, but where should you go?
What do you do when you're not sure where the sales are?
Don't worry, just do what I do.
Linger in certain parts of the neighborhood.
So you're telling me that you just go to random places and hope that customers wander by?
Friend, that's exactly what I do.
OK.... Here, come with me.
I'll show you! Huup!
We're now in a random part of the neighborhood.
So what do we do here?
Just linger. Like this?
Yep, if you're patient, some people will buy anything.
What people? Hello.
Oh wow, I didn't see you there.
So, you were just lingering?
Yep. Huh. I'll give you $1 ,000 for those sunglasses.
Sold! Whaaaat? Part Four.
Deceive the customer.
Now that you've got the tools you need to make the sale, what happens if someone is being stubborn?
You'll need to step up your game.
Yes, be flexible with discounts and such, but also be ready to deceive the customer if needed.
Now, Gilbert, you must be saying, what do you mean by deception?
I mean anything it takes to keep that customer off balance.
Like a whole song and dance routine?
Why not? Hello? Whoa.
Where did all this fog come from?
Is this a laser light show?
What's happening? This is a dream, you are asleep right now.
So why not buy this atlas for a couple of thousand dollars?
After all, it's not real.
Even for a dream, that's a heck of a deal.
Okay, sure! Nailed it!
Part 5, do not go into the same house twice in a short span of time.
Ha, you know, that one's pretty self -explanatory.
Let's go to Part 6.
Part 6, empty neighborhoods.
Finally, it's time to answer the single most common question that I get about being a salesperson.
I'm sure you were already thinking it.
What do you do when you live in an empty neighborhood?
That's right. Do you want to know the answer?
Move to a different neighborhood Thank you all so much for watching my video now get out there and make some sales because you know Your two guys autographs, I guess so sure thing what I'm really wonderful Everyone agrees!
It's an objective fact!
Everyone loves me! And that, ma 'am, is just a quick sample of my 14 -part series.
If you buy my tapes and you follow these rules, you will maybe be almost as good as me.
Maybe, but probably not.
So, what do you say?
Do we have a deal?!
Please get out of my house.
Honestly, that's fair.
THE END! We'll be back after a few words for the grown -up.
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This episode is sponsored by Sitter City.
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because it's a And it's the best kind of movie trailer because it tells you the entire story of the movie in the commercial so that you never really have to see it!
Here's the author to introduce it.
Hi, I'm Lydia and I'm from Alaska.
I'm seven years old, this is my story.
SuperBag. The following trailer has been rated V for Very Cool.
In a world full of bags.
Paper or plastic, better make it plastic.
There's a storm a -brewing.
One lonely shopping bag...
Now that I'm unpacked, I might as well throw this empty bag out the window.
...is about to discover...
Ooh, looks bad out there.
Look at that plastic bag floating around in the air.
It's so beautiful. ...that he's so much more...
I hope that lightning doesn't hit that bag.
...than just a bag...
It's just a bag. But what's the worst that could happen?
Whoa! Oh my gosh. What is this?
What? What is happening?
I'm alive. It's alive!
He's super bag. Super bag.
Yes right. And he's here to save the world one person at a time.
Agh, agh, agh! I'm being chased by a bear, and now I'm lost in the woods.
Help! Help! I'm cold, tired, and scared.
Who will save me? What's that?
A cape and green lasers in the sky?
Oh, it must be a...
Superbag? Oh, no, that's not what I was going to say at all.
I was going... Ahh, the bear is back!
I've got you! Wow! Thanks, Superbag.
All in a day's work now to take you someplace safe.
A hospital? Even better, a roller coaster.
Hooray! But is the world ready?
Boss, I got a real scoop about a new hero in town.
McPicles, the last thing I need is another super hero story.
This one's different.
He's a bag. A bag? His superpowers are laser eyes and flying.
I'm listening. He can find people who are lost and hurt with his laser eyes.
Then, scoop them up into himself.
Into himself? And then?
Let me guess. He takes them home, right?
Wrong. He flies them to amusement parks!
Gotta say, I did not see that coming!
So if he's a bag, how does he talk and stuff?
Oh, it's weird. He can definitely talk and has a mouth, but don't ask me where it is, it's really hard to describe.
You just kind of have to see it.
Weird! Yeah, it's very weird. But he'll soon discover it's not easy being a bag.
Well, well, well. We finally meet, Super Bag.
allow me to introduce myself I'm evil doctor reusable grocery tote Unhandle me villain the world may love you but what do you think they'll say when they find out you're secret what secret that your non recyclable in a hostile world.
He'll have to find his way.
Members of the Security Council, we scientists don't know what this quote -unquote superhero is capable of.
Sure, he's taking people to amusement parks, which is objectively awesome, but at what cost?
He'll need a little help from some old friends.
It takes a lot of nerve for you to fly back into this grocery store.
After you left without even saying goodbye!
Oh Paper, I was a different bag then.
I never stopped loving you.
And some new allies.
The whole gang's here, Superbag!
Satchel. Hey! Bendall.
Yup! Napsack. Barf.
Doggie. Ruf. Duffle.
Duffle. Drawstring.
Bonjour. Glutch. Hello.
And me. Transparent blue recycling trash bag!
Bags assemble! This summer.
Help! I'm trapped in the well!
Help! I'm stuck in this hedge -made!
Help! I'm existentially lost!
A bag will rise. Save us, super -bag!
I'll save you and then we'll ride the log flume!
This summer, he's got this in the bag.
Super -bag! Yay! That'll be $21 .50.
Paper or plastic? Paper, come on.
I'm a bag, not a monster.
All laugh Available on VHS and Bigamax August 18th.
The end. Thanks for listening to today's episode.
We'll be back next week with a brand new full episode for ya.
Until next time, stay creative and stay kind.
Bye. you
