Hey there, Story pirates podcast listeners, Lee here coming at you with a very special bonus episode just for you.
We'll be back with full episodes soon, and in the meantime, we have more D -Coups for you!
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Get excited for some of the weirdest and funniest stories from the Story pirates archives, and this week they're all about weird products!
Coming up right after a few words for the grown ups!
I'm very different from everybody.
Confusion is the step before curiosity.
Okay, that's a really funny idea.
We have to send that in.
I just get some joy when I hear other people giggling.
I believe all of the things in my story.
Human beings are just able to get by.
could create the story pirates.
Welcome back to story pirates.
Dcards. Where we celebrate our favorite and weirdest stories from the story pirates archives.
And today's Dcards episode is all about weird products you can buy.
I mean, you can't really buy these products of course but what if you could?
you can pretty much buy anything these days after all.
For example, if you're say, I don't know, a cat burglar, someone out there is just waiting to sell you all the things that a cat burglar needs in order to do their job.
Oh, and by the way, a cat burglar doesn't burgle cats, I don't think.
I guess they could, if they wanted to.
Anyway, here's a story about a product that every cat burglar needs, and here's the author to introduce it.
Hi, my name is Ellery, and I'm 12 years old and I live in Michigan.
This is my story cannot so safe safe Ah, the end of another long day for the world's most incredible cat burglar me Kevin now that I'm in bed.
I should really go to sleep.
But first I think I'm gonna aimlessly scroll through my phone Okay, let's see some funny memes 5 toothbrush hacks I won't believe, an e -mail from Dad with the subject line, Interesting Article, and...
What's this? A pop -up ad from spam .com?
Hmm, I better click on it.
Are you a cat burglar?
Why, yes. Are you short on places to hide things?
I sure am. Then you need this, the not -so -safe safe.
That doesn't sound safe.
It's safe. I stand corrected.
Click here to purchase.
don't mind if I do their purchased now let me look at my calendar to see what my next heist is ah tomorrow is the valuable book museum grand opening the the perfect opportunity to try out my new safe.
Hahahah, awwww, cute cat meme!
I'm so glad I finally got to get some food.
Hello ladies and gentlemen, it is my great pleasure to welcome you all to the grand opening of the Valuable Book Museum.
Oh! Yes, yes, thank you.
We're excited too. Of course, here at the Valuable Book Museum, our mission is to celebrate the historic and cultural value of Valuable Books.
And what better way to honor this mission than with our newest acquisition, this, the most valuable book.
Oh, thank you. Thank you.
I will now open the floor for questions.
I have a question. Yes, you, the gentlemen with the convincingly realistic mustache.
Hello, my name is Kevv -Vaughn, and I'm from Valuable Books Daily.
A quick question. With so many accomplished and handsome cat burglars working in the industry today, how do you plan on keeping the most valuable books safe?
Oh, I think you'll find getting past our security system is quite the challenge.
Oh, will I? Yes. Wait.
What? Oh, my goodness.
Someone turned off the light.
Everyone stay calm.
The backup light should come on any second.
There! See, everything is fine!
Now, where were we?
Ah, yes, we were talking about...
The most valuable book!
It's gone! Oh no, the most valuable book is the Valuable Book Museum's most valuable book!
We have to find it, but how?
We'll find it! Hello, I'm Detective Dickinson, and this is my partner Detective Dickens.
Please call me Charlie.
We're from the Valuable Books Division, and that book is as good as found.
Oh, thank goodness.
Charlie, let's go. Ha -ha, Kevin, you've done it again.
Now to take this book and put it in my safe from Spam .com, where it's sure to be safe.
I'll just put in my code.
There. Now I'll put the most valuable book inside and close the door.
Ah. Now that it's secure in my safe, I can go out and enjoy my day without fear of being caught.
Here I go. Oh this is a happy montage Of Kevin enjoying his day Yes this is a carefree montage Cause everything is going his way And he's only a little bit worried That they'll find out he stole that book But, he's probably just being paranoid.
Am I? But maybe he should go take a look.
I'll just run home for a sec.
So Kennan cut short this montage, so he could go check on his safe, but when he opened up that safe, he found out that his not -so -safe safe was not that safe.
The book! It's gone.
But how? How long was I out?
Let me look at my calendar.
Two days! What did I do during that montage?
Boy, it was all kind of a blur.
Who could that be? Yes?
Hello, sir, I'm Detective Dickens, and this is my partner, Detective Dickinson.
Please, call me Emily.
Oh, hello, detectives.
How can I help you?
Yes, well, we're investigating the theft of the most valuable book.
It was stolen from the Valuable Book Museum two nights ago.
You don't say. Why are you asking me?
We have reason to believe that you were there at the scene of the crime.
That's impossible. I was here all night.
Then why do we have a picture of you at the scene of the crime?
Detectives, that's not me.
Sir, this man clearly looks exactly like you.
Not exactly, for you see, that man has a realistic looking mustache whereas I clearly have none.
Gah! Oh, he's got us there!
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a corn dog in the air fryer.
Hold on, what's that on your table?
Is that a fake mustache?
Huh? This? Uh, no, it's not a fake mustache.
Then what is it? It's a fake unibrow.
See? Gah, you got us again?
If that'll be all, detectives...
Oh, just one more thing.
Last night we were driving around your neighborhood and we noticed a loud party at this very house.
May I ask what you were doing last night?
Uh, I'm not sure. You see, last night was during the montage, so I can't be certain what's...
Here, we took a video outside your house.
Maybe this will jog your memory, Kevin.
Thanks for coming to my party in the middle of my montage.
Wait, why are you having a party?
Great question! I'm throwing a party because I have a very valuable book.
Well, I could be talking about any valuable book.
Which I stole from the Valuable Book Museum!
Yeah! Okay, well, if I stole it, then where is it?
I keep it in a safe!
In the attic! Good luck guessing the safe code.
And the safe code is 9 -6 -5 -2!
9 -6 -5 -2! Everybody!
9 -6 -5 -2! 9 -6 -5 -2! 9 -6 -5 -2!
Huh. That montage really got away from me.
You're under arrest. But I don't have the book!
My safe is empty! We have it right here!
You're coming with us?
Wait, wait! Before I go, I gotta ask one thing.
Yeah, watch that. How in the world did you guess my code?!
Oh brother... Let's go, buddy!
Curse you, Spam .com!
Oh Spam .com makes the not -so -safe safe If someone breaks in, it's probably your For the E -E -E -E -E -E -N -D!
Welcome back to Story Pirates DECARTS!
where I guess we learned that the Not -So -Safe Safe isn't really that safe.
And though it may be a weird product, it doesn't seem to be a good one?
I guess they never really said that the product itself had to be GOOD.
Just WEIRD. Yeah, today's JUST WEIRD products.
If it were good products, they'd all be like this next one, which involves free nachos and a free couch if you don't already have one.
Here's the author to introduce it.
Hi, I'm Ben and I'm eight.
Hi, I'm Tilly and I'm 10 years old.
We live in Illinois, and this is our story, the Zinc Zinc with a Zinc and an X -Link problem.
Ah, there. My brand new Zinc Zinc is installed.
Gary, did you say Zink Sink?
What's that? A sink that's made out of zinc?
Haha, why yes it is Barbara.
Oh. I like that it's pink.
Thanks! Now that that's done, I can get back to whatever it was I was doing before all this.
Oh no! My Zink Sink has a kick in its link!
You mean your pipe burst?
No! I mean, my Zink Sink has a kick in its link!
I hope I can fix it.
Sigh. But now, instead of doing that, I'm going to watch TV.
You will see the answer to today's problem on the game show that's a game show!
Right after this commercial break.
Do you want to get your ZynkZynk fixed?
Maybe it has a kink in the link of the Zynk?
Yes! How did you know?
How did they know? Then give us a call!
The ZynkZynk with the kink in the link fixers!
Call 555 -555 -55555 5 and we'll fix your kinked link ZynkZynk!
Call now! Hey! That's a good idea!
I'll call them! Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring.
You don't have to say ring I know that but it makes them pick up faster See hi I have a pink zinc sink that has a kink in its link that I think Wow, you two sure are in sync I Love that fixing a zinc sink with a kink in the link will cost you one gazillion dollars!
One gazillion? Okay, I'll pay you when the sink is fixed.
You drive a hard bargain, but okay.
We'll be over soon.
Byeee! Byeee! Don't you think a gazillion dollars is a bit steep?
They're here! Wow, that was fast. Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding dong We don't have to say ding dong.
Yeah, but it makes it go faster.
Hello? Si. Hello, I'm Lance.
And I'm Joey. And we're here to fix the zinc sink with a kink in its link!
Right this way! That's Stinky Pink Zink Zink with a kink in its link is down the hall, to the right!
Okay, thanks! We'll get right to it!
You can just sit back, relax, and eat nachos on the couch!
We will do the rest. Eat nachos?
But I don't HAVE any nachos!
This can only mean that I now have to help you!
And I don't even know how!
It's going to be boring and hard, I can tell!
Is that what that means?
Relax! Giving people free nachos is part of our customer service application.
Really? Really? Really.
Really? We give people free couches if they don't have a couch!
Do you have a couch?
Yes, I do. Oh. Well, OK.
Here's your nachos.
Yum! Well, get to work.
We're done. And don't worry.
We have really bad news.
Don't worry? I think your pink Zink Zink with a kink in its link from which you drink, I'm assuming, cannot be fixed.
Aw, man! But you can get a new one for only $3 gazillion.
dollars three gazillion so okay here we go okay the new one is installed great here's your three gazillion dollars thanks so much okay then they really were in sync Oh Barbara I love my new sink and I think we can both agree that This is the most financially sound decision I've ever made.
You know, Gary, I sometimes wonder how you managed to keep yourself...
Oh no! What is it? I accidentally gave them four gazillion dollars!
My zinc sink! You should have taken the freak out.
Oh, when you're right, you're right.
The end! We'll be right back after a few words over the grown ups.
You chose to hit play on this podcast today.
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Oh, hey, welcome back.
We've got time for one more Decoyed.
And as we often do at the ends of these Decoyed episodes, it's an oldie, but a goodie, taking us all the way back to our live radio show days.
This one has a very special place in my heart.
Peter recently said to me, I think this may be the best story we ever did.
See if you agree. From a third grader named Elizabeth in Texas, here is Raccoon Censor.
Father, I have great news.
It's about the trash cans!
Do not tell me those raccoons knocked them over again.
Then you have condemned me to silence, Father, For I saw it with my own two eyes, Nature's bandits at work.
Oh, fine. If those trashed trash cans aren't put back promptly, the Garbage Men will pass us over once more, leaving us another week behind.
Aw, these trash cans are all askew!
Next house! Don't tell me it's too late!
Father! You have condemned me into silence once again!
There's got to be a better way!
Now there is! Huh? Raccoon Sensor.
It's a sensor that senses raccoons.
What's that name again?
Raccoon sensor. Does it limit the free speech of racooons?
Get out of here, old man.
Whoa! Raccoon sensor.
It senses raccoons and then goes to work.
It releases a horrible noise that drives the raccoons crazy and makes them run away without knocking any trashcans over.
I don't know if I believe you.
Here, listen to this recording of actors pretending to be raccoons.
We certainly are raccoons.
Nature's bandits, say let's go knock over some trashcans.
Raccoon sensor activated.
Ah, it's emitting a terrible noise.
It's like a ghost whispering my name.
Let's get out of here.
Careful about those trashcans.
Wouldn't want to knock them over.
Ha -ha! Well if that isn't proof, I don't know what is.
I still don't know.
Still not sold? We asked exactly five people if the raccoon sensor worked.
And they all said yes.
Five out of five people.
Here, listen to this testimonial.
Well, uh, sure it works, but at what cost?
I mean, we gotta think about the ramifications of what we're pla - See?
A glowing recommendation!
Alright, I'm sold! I can't wait to get back to living life to the fullest!
Don't let those raccoons get to your last nerve.
Order Raccoon Sensor!
The sensor that senses raccoons!
It's only $15! Raccoon sensor's only $5.
It's also available in stores!
Not available in stores.
Act quick! This offer ends in December of 2015!
Offer expires in March, 2009.
If you don't like it, you can call and get your money back.
You will not get your money back.
Call now! This call is free!
This call's not free.
The end! Thanks for listening to today's bonus episode.
We'll be back soon with another one for you.
Until then, stay creative and stay kind.
Bye!
