Hey, everybody in the cloud sea!
You know what time it is!
7 p.m.!
I'm kidding.
It's time for everyone's favorite call-in advice show, Dear Dobbins!
I'm Joe and here's Dobbins.
All right, all right, everybody pretend i'm running in.
Thank you so much, joe.
It's me, dear dobbins, or your dear dear dobbins, and i'm so happy to be here.
Joe, how you doing today, i'm covered in yolks.
You literally are covered in yolks.
Tell me more.
I'm trying a new skincare routine.
I'm supposed to give you a nice glossy sheen.
It's been a while since I've been to Pickle Island, so I'm trying it out.
I will say, you look glossy.
Glossier than you ever have.
Oh, thank you.
Hard to tell if it's the yolk through my skin.
True, true.
There's a bit of eggshell on your shoulder.
Don't know if that's intentional, but enough about eggs, let's get going.
I see that the uh cranklin line is lighting up.
Cranklin, how are you?
Oh wonderful yes, that's true.
Who do we have first crank Welcome?
You're on the line with Dear Dobbins.
Who am I speaking to?
My name is Sarah Smeathers.
All right.
Hello, Sarah.
I am from Vampire Island.
Oh, okay.
Have not been there.
Not planning on it.
Not planning on it.
That's a good idea.
That's a good idea, Dobbins.
I love my blood.
Oh, Dobbins.
You are just as personable as I thought you'd be.
Sarah, thank you so much.
I'll be honest, it's hard not slipping into an accent of your kind.
It's very fun.
Oh, Dobby, thank you so much for taking my call.
What's going on with you today?
My problem is I want to suck, but I'm so good at everything.
Okay, tell me more.
Right, right.
Right, right.
I'm not here to pretend I know a lot about vampires, okay?
Of course, of course.
But my interpretation of vampires sucking, okay?
Yes, yes.
Is that they're wanting to suck blood?
This is a common misconception.
Okay, tell me more.
Okay.
Vampires are, we, you know, they're all kinds of vampires.
Much like there are people who are vegetarians, you know, and some people like meat.
Some people only eat raw food.
Vampires, we just have to suck in some way.
Okay.
So you're saying that you have to suck something or suck at something.
I have to suck something.
I cannot even use a straw.
Okay, okay.
So you have to suck something, but you're good at everything.
I'm good at everything except for sucking.
It's a vampire conundrum.
I think you've solved your own problem.
I suck at sucking.
That's right!
It's as simple but as complicated as that.
I cannot believe it.
Me Sarah Smeathers.
I suck at sucking.
You really do.
This is incredible.
I'm so happy to have helped.
I think they'll let me graduate from school now.
Finally.
I was being held back because I could not suck.
I could just answer only tests.
I was easing them all.
In other news, sounds like you need to look into math-related careers.
I love math.
I like to add things.
It always adds up to what it's supposed to.
Very satisfying.
I'm not great at math, but I respect those that are.
Well, thank you, and you are very good at advice.
You don't suck at this at all.
All right.
Thank you, Sarah.
I hope to speak to you soon.
I'm turning into a bat as we speak.
Okay, bye.
Oh, wow, that was, you know, I love to start off that way, you know, simple but effective.
I wonder how she hung up the phone if she was a bat.
Well, um...
You know, she's probably using some kind of robot and it may have its own robot arm to sort of click off.
I don't know.
Oh, you think that's what it is, Cranklin?
Do you know the robots on Vampire Island?
I don't know.
Oh, OK.
Are you a bit scared of them or you're fine?
Oh, you're not scared of anything?
OK, let's bring in the next caller.
Oh, yes, hello.
Long-time listener, first-time caller.
Thank you for taking my call, Dobbins.
Hello, welcome.
Who am I speaking to?
Well, I must apologise.
I am something of a celebrity here on the Cloud Sea and I don't want my personal problems getting out into the media.
Right, right.
I might be using a pseudonym.
Let's just say that I am an important leader of a town in an island dedicated to folded paper.
But that could be trifold brochure island, that could be paper A fortune teller island.
That could be a lot of different islands.
Staples Island.
Yes, of course, of course, of course.
And as an important leader on that island, this can't let people know that I'm calling Joe for advice.
I'm the one that needs to be coming up with the good advice in my proclamations that I do enjoy.
Uh, creating.
Uh, probably shouldn't have said that.
But anyway, um...
So I do have a problem, Dobbins, and I was hoping you could help me with.
It's a problem that even a proclamation can't solve.
All right, I do love a good proclamation.
What's the issue?
And what should I call you today?
Oh, you could just call me Mayor.
Okay, Mayor.
All right, Mayor.
What's the problem?
What's the name?
M-A-H-E-R.
Mayor.
Okay.
Okay.
It seems like if you make a lot of proclamations, you might be, but who am I to say?
Okay.
Or an ombudsman of some type?
Registrar?
True.
A bursar?
Okay.
I don't know what those things are.
I don't either, but they could do proclamations as far as we know, because it's unclear what they are.
Okay.
So what is the problem?
Hold on a second.
Just a second.
I'm...
I've got too much spit on my robot.
I need to wipe it off.
Sorry.
Sorry, Bleepy.
There we go.
Oh, his name is Bleepy?
Yes.
That's so cute.
Bleepy is a big, big fan of Cranklin.
I just think Bleepy would like to say hello.
Yeah, go ahead, Bleepy.
Yes, I know.
Very handsome robot, yes.
Okay, sorry about that.
Anyhoo, my sister recently moved back into the village and while her shack is being relocated, she's come and stayed in the mayor's mansion.
Okay.
Oh um, the mansion i live in is made of paper.
On the folded paper island that i may or may not be the mayor of right.
The problem is we're not allowed to look at each other for another.
Let's see, probably about two months now, and so we keep bumping into one another and i just don't know exactly.
No, i proclaimed that we had to stop doing that, and yet we continue to do it.
Proclamations do not seem to be working in this one particular instance.
Why have you made it that you can't look at each other?
About 20 months ago, she brought a torch into our village And I had made a proclamation that said you're not allowed to do that.
So then I had to make a proclamation to punish her.
And part of that proclamation was that we couldn't listen to each other or look at each other.
Okay.
Dean, have you ever heard of the phrase, the punishment fit the crime?
That's a new one on me.
It means that whatever the consequences are for your actions...
Match what you've done.
Oh, so we should burn her.
No, okay, hold up.
Back it up.
Okay, back it way up.
No, no, no.
I'm going to turn off the radio now.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
What I meant is maybe don't allow her any access to fire, because I'm not sure that looking at each other is really getting the message to her that she shouldn't like burn a village, right.
No, but just between you and I. Right.
And the only reason she brought the torch into town is because I had made a proclamation that said she was smelly.
And she was not particularly smelly, but I was just angry that day.
And so I don't think her punishment fit my crime, and so I kind of, you know, I might have been a little stern in my proclamation, and then just one thing led to another.
Is she there with you now?
Rima?
I mean, um... Generic sister?
I don't know.
She might be right behind me.
With a sort of, like, generic Minnesotan accent.
You could be, I don't know.
If you would turn around Now, if I turned around and you were there, then I would be seeing you, Rima.
Then that's against the proclamation.
Okay, okay, I'm jumping in.
Everyone close your eyes.
Okay.
Generic sister...
I want you to tell Reema Dobbins wants you to.
I'm going to take two steps to my left and you see if you can find Bleepy.
Please be making noise.
Okay.
I opened my eyes.
This is very silly.
You better not be seeing me right now.
Generic sister, tell your brother how you feel right now, please.
I'm grateful to be back in town.
I'm so happy to be in your house again.
There are less rumors about me practicing witchcraft now that I'm back among society.
But it's really silly.
We are two-dimensional people.
We need to be able to face each other face to face.
We're never going to resolve this if we keep bumping into each other and closing our eyes and if you keep proclamating things against me.
Don't proclamate on me, buddy.
And are you at all sorry about the torch incident of 20-something months ago?
Yes.
Okay.
Mayher, what do you think of that?
Well, I must admit that I do...
I would like to officially proclaim that I am sorry for saying that you smell bad.
I will be posting that up on the courthouse wall later today.
Thank you.
May her repeat after me.
Yes.
I, Mayor.
I, Mayor.
Do proclaim.
Hereby.
I usually add a hereby.
Okay, do hereby proclaim.
It sounds a little better that way.
It does, it does, you're right.
Yes.
Do hereby complain.
Do hereby complain.
Proclaim, proclaim, I'm sorry.
Oh, okay.
Do you hear my proclaim?
Yes, that the ban of looking at my sister is officially lifted 53 days early because we have made up and apologized to each other.
That's a mouthful.
Yes, you can do it.
The band are looking at each other that we made up in 53 days earlier.
He's lifted.
He's lifted.
He's hereby.
Good hereby.
He's hereby thus lifted.
Thus.
In the hereby way forthwith.
Right.
Here's another good one to get in there.
Forthwith, show noted on this day by the mayor of Legal Town on Origami Island.
Oh, okay.
Whoops.
Or related other people.
Okay.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
You can look at each other again.
I'm so proud.
Happy for you.
You drew a beard on.
Yes, you've changed your hair.
I curled it with some scissors.
Oh, I love that.
Okay.
Dobbins, there is much peace within the mansion now.
I'm so happy.
Oh, I don't know why I just had a lift.
It's catching, isn't it?
I love it.
Try talking with a two-dimensional tongue.
I understand, I understand.
Bleepy, generic sister, Mayher, I'm so happy that things are well.
I hope you have a peaceful evening.
Thank you for calling, dear Dobbins.
Thank you, Dobbins.
Thank you, Dobbins.
One last thing.
Oh, okay.
Bleepy cut them off.
Franklin, I saw you making a face when they said Bleepy.
Is there drama there?
What?
Stole your girlfriend?
What a nightmare!
I didn't even know you had a girlfriend ever.
I see when you're in school, she's very cute, eh?
Lovely.
We'll dig into that later, Cranklin.
Ooh la la.
Okay.
All right.
We've got another caller on the line.
Hello?
Oh, hello, this is Dear Dobbins.
Who am I talking to?
My name is Candy Cane and I'm a candy cane.
Okay, hello.
Let me make sure.
Candy Cane?
Candy Cane.
Candy Cane the candy cane.
Okay, I've got it.
What's happening with you today, Candy Cane?
Oh she's crying.
Oh no, oh she's crying.
What's wrong, dear?
I'm so scared that i'm going to be eaten, OK.
I'm a candy cane and that's what we're made for.
But I don't want to be eaten.
I want to go to university.
OK.
A smart candy cane.
I wonder how do other people on your island feel about being eaten?
But i would like to wait until the university, until i have a diploma, to be eaten, because i want to study about christmas and understand why we are all being eaten.
I am from christmas island and in christmas island that is where all the candy canes are from even candy canes, And I don't know why we must be eating, because I think that we smell so nice.
I think that might be part of the problem, really.
We smell good and we look so delicious.
Why do people want to eat us?
I think you're answering your own question right there.
But Tandy, if you don't mind me having a bit of a nickname for you.
Of course, you can call me Jessica Tandy Kane.
All right.
Do you know what a colt is?
A colt?
A cult, yes.
Like a baby horse?
No, a cult is a group of people who have like-minded thoughts about something.
Okay.
And sometimes it can get a little group mind.
Everybody starts to think and do the same thing.
The spirit's supposed to be...
Um, eaten.
Right, right.
I'm not saying that the candy canes are a cult, okay?
But I'm saying that in that... We are a proud tradition.
Right, right, right, right.
In a situation like that, though.
Okay, sometimes it's hard to break out and do your own thing, but you actually can.
You actually can go to university.
You just have to get off that island.
That's the problem.
Universities say that they do not accept candy canes.
Right.
Cranklin, can you look up for me very quickly some universities that do accept candy canes?
Okay.
Okay.
Looks like there are three possibilities, okay?
Cranklin's saying, first of all, you should hitch a ride with Santa to get off the island.
Oh, that's a very good idea.
And then there is Candy Island, quite close to you, he says.
And Candy University does accept candy canes.
No surprises.
I would love that.
And then also on Confection Island, there is the Confection Community College.
Not as hard to get into.
I heard they accept everyone and that's very nice.
Yes, it is.
But I have good grades and a lot of extracurriculars.
So you could go there as well.
Now this last one he's come up with is a bit dicey to put on the air.
Underneath your island lies a secret university.
Underneath my island?
Yes.
It is the Candy Cane School of Hair Design.
I've heard about this.
Yes.
I thought it was just a rumour.
It's not a rumour.
Now, do I know how to get there?
No, I don't.
But that's your job to research, okay?
Use your robot, whatever you have to do, to sneak down there and go to that.
So it's up to you.
You've got three wonderful possibilities.
My robot is named Randy Ryan.
Randy Rain.
He's shaped like a candy can, but he's mechanical.
I love it.
So work with Randy Rain and pick one of those colleges.
Is one of them calling to you?
I've always loved hair.
I don't have any, but I like the idea of it.
Right.
Yes.
Okay, so the answer's like almost literally in your backyard.
Perhaps I could go.
There is a rumor of a spiral slide.
I love a slide christmas island and if i go down that it is a candy cane size.
Maybe that's where i go, or maybe it's just the sewers.
I think that's a good place to start.
Please keep us updated.
We're very curious to see where you end up.
You'll let me do your hair, Absolutely.
I don't have much of it, but what I do have, you can style.
Thank you for believing in me.
Of course I do.
Good luck, Tenditane.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Joe, you got excited with that one.
Yeah, I hope she makes it on the other side, because your arm hair could look amazing when she's done.
That's a good point.
I didn't think that's where most of it lies, doesn't it?
It's a lot.
It seems overwhelming.
It does.
It does.
All right, I think we have time for one more caller.
Let's see who we've got on the line.
Hey, thanks for taking my call.
It's me, Bingo Pickets, the lead singer of the heavy synth band Toad Butts.
Oh, my God!
I have to say, I am a huge fan of the Toad Butts.
Oh, for real?
You like heavy synths?
I absolutely do.
I play it quietly in my quarters.
Oh, you probably know our big hit.
I don't know how to live without you.
Oh, I love that.
I absolutely love that song.
Well, here's the problem, Dobbins.
Right, okay.
I want to write new songs, but the crowds only want to hear I Don't Know How To Live Without You.
That's our number one hit here on the Cloud Sea.
Right.
I want to spread my wings as an artist, Dobbins.
You know, the Toad Butts.
We want to take heavy synths.
The fans want to stay put.
I want to bring them along on the ride.
A wild toad butts ride.
Wow, this is a tough one.
Sorry, sorry.
There's some fans outside trying to get an autograph.
Trying to beat down the door.
You know who else is a huge fan of yours is my band leader, Joe.
Joe, I know you usually don't pipe in here, but this might be a co-pro.
Well, look, hey, me and Joe, we got a history.
Yeah, Joe used to play pots and pans at my previous project known as the the the scuttlebutts.
Yeah, that guy is good on the pots and pans.
I've been trying to get him to come join the toad butts.
He's like no man, i gotta, i got responsibilities over on this ship or something.
Man joe, you have never told me this.
I had a life before i came to the skytanic.
We love listening to the toad butts together.
Yeah, they're really good.
And you don't tell me that you were in a band with bingo pickets.
The toad butts has been such a successful project for him.
I've moved on, he's moved on.
You know, i didn't want to make it a whole thing man, but joe man everybody, everybody remembers you, everybody remembers you.
Best paying guy in the business, they say.
That's real sweet, buddy.
Thanks so much.
Man, nobody can twirl a wooden spoon like you, brother.
Listen.
I think I have a solution for this one.
Oh, Thomas, hit me with it because I'm feeling... All right, yeah, we'll be out there in a second.
Yikes.
I'm feeling, like, uninspired.
Right.
I think I have the solution, but Joe, you're a big part of this solution.
Now you have been accruing some vacation days and I am suggesting that you go have a jam sesh with Bingo and the Toadbots.
This isn't a forever situation.
You can come back to us and your eggs.
But it sounds like they need something to shake it up.
And since apparently people are huge fans of you, maybe the fans would switch up the thinking if they knew that the jam sesh was happening with you, Joe.
Bingo, Joe, what do you think?
Oh, man, I could get a big crowd.
They heard that Joe was coming back.
They heard that Joe was coming back?
Oh, they heard.
They already heard about it.
The rumors have begun.
Oh, man.
Paparazzi's gonna be everywhere.
I already got a new idea for a new song percolating.
Let's hear it candy cane over there.
Why is it all covered up with hair?
Yeah, someone needs to fix it, cause i don't want to lick it.
No yeah, all right amazing, amazing.
Oh, you just heard a crash as someone made it into your inner sanctum.
All right, I got to go.
I got to go.
Bingo, it's me, your mother.
Oh, it's my... Sorry, I still live with my mom.
All right, Bingo, thank you for coming, Joe.
This is... Mom, I told you not to interrupt.
That was Oh my goodness Joe, are you going to do it?
Uh, we'll see what happens.
I mean, it's an amazing opportunity and uh, i want to help bingo out, but i'm so passionate about my eggs you'll be back to the eggs, joe.
Honestly and i hope this doesn't come off as rude i think you could use a break from eggs.
Whoa Too much.
Just a small one?
I don't know who I am without them.
Well, maybe bring one in your pocket, hard-boiled if I may suggest.
I'll stick them in my ears.
Yeah?
I have egg shakers.
Okay, now we're talking.
That's where I made the bridge from percussion to cooking is the egg shakers.
Makes total sense.
I boiled one.
It didn't go well.
I'm so sorry I got a bit upset.
I just thought that we shared this passion and and you would have told me, but i, i understand.
I mean, i wanted to tell you, but when i got hired captain, was like leave your ego at the door.
So i did.
Cranklin Joe, the Cloud C, it has been lovely talking with you today.
Truly, this is my passion project, and I am absolutely thrilled that we are on our 52nd episode.
Thank you so much, and we'll see you at some point in the future.
We hope you enjoyed this episode of Tales from the Cloud Sea.
Joe the Chef was played by Eve Kruger.
Dobbins was played by Amanda Lee Williams.
Franklin was played by Matt Silverman.
Sarah Smeders was played by me, Megan Leahy.
Maher, a very important leader of a town of folded paper that is definitely not Origami Island, was played by Travis Sharp.
Rima, the generic sister who is not a witch, was played by Eve Kruger.
Jessica tandy tain the candy cane was played by me, megan leahy, bingo pickets.
Lead singer of the heavy synth band toad butts was played by travis sherp, bingo pickets biggest fan and mom, was played by me, megan leahy.
If you need advice from dobbins, Call Cranklin and leave a message.
256-834-5394.
Cloud four, key four, is what that spells.
Do the phone number again, and then it's the count from Sesame Street.
Cloud four.
Key four.
That's good.
It's great.
You can also call Craiglin right now on our website, talesfromthecloudsea.com.
