Hey everybody, Robin here and today I am the lucky gal who is joined by Eve and her
snazzy British accent.
And we also have one of my favorite headspace coaches, Nika here today.
And we are going to be answering your questions about when you are overwhelmed but you want
to take care of yourself.
When you are dealing with an immature parent like me and we have a question about how to
deal with emotions instead of stuffing them down.
Okay that's enough for me, let's get to our callers.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call left or long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace.
A podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Hi Eve and Nika, how are you all doing?
Hi.
Good.
Did you guys know that tomorrow May 1st is the beginning of Mental Health Awareness Month?
I did.
And I'm so glad that we're gathering today to talk about ways in which we can take care
of our mental health and well-being.
Absolutely.
This is just like the perfect place to kick off an important month, I say.
So in the spirit of mental health, let's see if we're able to offer some help or maybe
some solutions to our listeners today.
Here's Arme asking a question about wanting to take care of himself.
Here we go.
Hey Headspace, I'm my family.
I'm from Germany.
I'm using heat day pronouns.
Before I ask my question, I want to give you a little pre-story.
I've been dealing with all kinds of healing currently.
I have had my third hip surgery one week ago and before my hip surgery and after my
hip surgery, I've been dealing with a breakup with my ex-girlfriend.
And also I discovered some childhood trauma, so everything is just a lot.
And I very often feel very lost in all of those discoveries and with all of the healing
that I have to do.
And I would like to know if you have some tips and advice for not being so overwhelmed
with everything and how to take a step back.
Thank you so much and I wish you all the best.
Oh, thank you so much for your question.
What do you all think?
Yeah, just listening to everything that they're going through, healing from a big operation.
And I think I heard it correctly, your third hip surgery.
So just allowing yourself time to physically heal and then of course on top of that an
emotional breakup which carries a huge amount of emotional pain, which can of course
manifest physically as well and then dealing with some trauma on top of that.
So I just want to give some space to acknowledge that that is a lot and I'm not surprised
that you're feeling overwhelmed.
Yeah, I would feel overwhelmed with all of that for sure.
Absolutely, I think so important when you are in a space of overwhelmed to EBS point
to pull it apart because you can't do all of the things, you're not going to be able
to simultaneously heal from all of these things.
And it's okay to do so.
I think because we live in a world that says we can do all of the same time, we put a lot
of pressure on ourselves to get passed or get through things that take time.
And so allow yourself this space to take the time and I love the fact that Emma said,
I want to take a step back.
Because often people don't realize like that's what they need to do.
They think they need to be in it in the work, but recognizing that you need to step
back is actually progress.
And that's just not easy to do, especially the physical healing.
Like I had a knee injury from tennis fairly recently and I just was like, I didn't want
to stop playing.
I didn't want to stop.
I definitely have that power through mentality.
So it's nice to hear them say, I don't want to power through.
I think that's a great place to start.
Yeah.
And especially when it comes to our physical wellbeing, when we're not well, when there's an
issue that has in this case involved surgery, it can be really frustrating that our body
may not heal as fast as we want it to.
And that saying doctors often will say, you just need to give it time.
And that is actually the truth.
And so I think, Aramey, as Nika said, you've identified that all of this overwhelm is happening
because you're trying to process so much all at once.
And so is there a way in which you can mindfully step back and acknowledge, okay, right now
my focus needs to be on my, for example, physical healing.
Because when we don't feel well in ourselves, when we're physically not strong enough, that
can also with the impact how we feel mentally and our ability to process loss and trauma
and the like.
So maybe in this instance, separating out the three and saying, okay, what needs my absolute
priority right now?
And of course, you will know within what can drive that.
But rather than feeling like I have to solve all of these things all at once because it's
not possible.
And that's very much why I think you may be feeling overwhelmed.
You know, what's interesting is you both mentioned in one way or another event, like we live
in a society or a culture that doesn't encourage us to slow down.
How do you approach that when the world around you doesn't always support taking us
step back?
Again, as I was listening to to you, I think it's important to re-examine your relationship
with time because when you do that and when you begin to operate differently than everyone
around you begins to respond to that.
And when you think about people who like I have friends that I consider, like they're
slow to get ready to go and to get ready to be on, they're not on time, like those kinds
of things.
And guess what happens?
Everybody else suggests to the fact that this person is likely going to be late.
And what I've learned is I've gotten older, like closer to the big 50 is that even for
myself, I used to think I had to rush through everything.
I had to hurry up and do this, hurry up and do that.
I'm like, what am I rushing for?
Like, why do I have to hurry up for everything?
And so I had to re-examine my relationship with time.
And then once I did that, everybody else suggested and everything else suggested.
And I think that's the key.
You have to once you inform yourself of who you are and what you're going to do, then
the world responds to that.
I struggle with that though.
It's just like, I'm always thinking like, what am I missing?
If I don't get it done, it's like life is passing me by.
And it's like, I think it's just in some ways easier said than done to figure out like
how to do that.
It definitely is, which is why as we talk about coaching everything is done in small bite
sized pieces.
Right?
So you find the one thing if we're talking about this particular case, it's not so much
I need to heal today, but what's again, to each point, what's the priority and what
is something I can do today in this moment that I can help me through that, right?
That it's not going to take me as much time or give myself five minutes for this or ten
minutes for that.
So it's the small things that you begin to practice, then that you can do it.
And again, the world we live in says that we can do all of the things right now.
And it's not true.
The humanity in us says that's not true.
So can we take the time?
And again, that is a part of you learning and understanding yourself and being okay
with changing, right?
Because that's your decision to change and grow.
And it's not always easy, but it's doable.
And so the message to yourself is like, I actually can do this.
It might be hard.
It might take me a long time, but I can actually get through it.
Yeah.
And when it comes to time, it's really around setting those boundaries.
We all have the same 24 hours in the day, but when it comes to wanting to feel better mentally,
physically, it can feel like we don't have as much time as other folks, because other
folks are where we want to be.
And so I think can you set those boundaries for yourself and rather other people dictating
how quickly your healing journey starts, can you set the rules for that?
And when it comes to everything that you're dealing with, maybe also just stepping back
and thinking, maybe I need some help in some of these different areas, because your, of
course, will have doctors in terms of your physical healing, but in terms of more of the
emotional, mental trauma that you referenced, maybe at some point, and that may not be right
now, that might be in a few months, and I'm not suggesting you just park it and ignore
it, but it's also identifying and recognising that actually I might need some help in these
areas, and whether that's initially speaking to some friends or close family about everything
that's going on, because if you're someone who maybe doesn't share with a lot of folks
about everything that's going on internally, people may not have any idea, but also at some
point, maybe some professional help may also be beneficial, especially if you're working
through some trauma, so a mental health professional who could help guide that process, because
that is a huge amount to carry, just on your own.
Well said, you too, very well said, and just, you know, good luck out there, I mean,
we're supporting you, we're with you, and you know, take the time that you need, we support
that boundary.
Alright, our next question is from Van, here we go.
Dear Headspace, my name is Van from Massachusetts.
I have been practicing meditation with Headspace for about five years, and I must say that
it changed my life.
I can see that I am much calmer, more aware, less reactive, and a lot more compassionate.
However, when I am with my emotionally immature parents, I feel disappointed with how I react
sometimes.
To give you some context, I am an adult who moves back in with my parents due to the
pandemic.
I realize that my parents are emotionally immature, and that it is not good for my mental
health.
My mother would periodically expose into a 401-tendron and cry like a 3-0, and she would
regularly abuse me.
So communication is not an option.
For my own happiness and mental health, I am seeing a therapist, I have learned to accept
a situation, and strategize on moving out.
Although this will take some time, the problem is that when I am in the same room with my mother,
my mind starts racing.
Mainly it is full of resentment, fear, and anxiety of when the next episode is going
to happen.
I tried deep reading and noting which did not help.
I cannot avoid her forever.
My question for a lovely coach is, what can I do to help my mind at the moment not to
feel so much threat when I am in the same room with an emotionally immature parent?
Thank you so much.
I love your show.
It makes me so happy.
Thank you.
Thank you for this question, Van.
I'm sorry that you are in this place.
This does sound like a really difficult position.
It starts with that.
I think what many of us feel like when we go back to our home of origin, whatever that
is, you are back in the roles.
Everyone's designated role of the family that are not always good, but it sounds like
it is a much deeper question than that as well.
Absolutely.
There is certainly a lot going on here.
First of all, congratulations on being in therapy and working through that because there
is certainly quite a bit of trauma and all types of past hurts and abuse and that kind
of thing.
I'm so glad that that's a part of the process.
Also just being in the household is rather mentioned.
Those roles, they're there because that's the narrative that we have.
We've been working through.
We live through every day.
Part of the work here is changing that narrative.
It's difficult when you're in the same space.
Again, being realistic, it's difficult to do, but it is certainly possible.
I think a lot of what Van is talking about is the anxiety that they're having just being
in the room.
Maybe nothing's even being said, but just being in the presence.
Often when I work with clients or members, rather, we go through this process of, well,
what's the situation?
First, what are we thinking about this situation?
Whatever the thought is, it's going to create a feeling.
It's going to create an emotion and then an action.
How can we adjust this thought?
Whatever the thought is.
I don't know.
How do we adjust that to create a new emotion and a realistic emotion?
I'm not saying are you going to be happy and excited.
What is a realistic emotion here while you are there with your parent?
Again, as you're working with a lot of emotional baggage, it can take a little bit of time,
again, because you're not outside of the household at the moment.
To me, it sounds as if, just in the room, nothing's been said that you're already in that
fight flight response and waiting for something to happen.
Something that springs to mind is, and I know that this perhaps could be a challenging
one.
I'm not suggesting, in terms of compassion, that you should accept the behaviour and
dismiss it because it's your mum.
There could be a scenario where your mum hasn't had that training for one of a better word
in knowing how to process and manage her emotions.
Of course, don't know about her upbringing, but maybe she isn't able to express herself
in a way that meets your needs.
They talk about compassion, I mean, that almost acknowledgement that she's not able to
give you what you need.
In that sense, are you able to set some boundaries around what it is that you need?
I'm being really clear around your emotional boundaries and your wellbeing.
I know that you've mentioned communication isn't being effective, but that might help
to reframe how you're approaching the situation in a way that protects you and your emotional
wellbeing.
You know, I'm so glad that you're bringing up the boundaries.
As a person who grew up in a house with, I say chaotic energy, like my mum was a
drinker and there was a lot of that stuff of like, something's going to happen.
You're not sure when it's going to happen or what's going to happen and then it will
never be talked about again.
When the sun comes up the next day, it'll be as if it never happened.
That can create a real sense of like, you don't know what you're walking into.
And so like, while I echo everything that you all are saying too, I also, the kid and
me wants to say to you, Van, I'm thrilled to hear that you're seeing a therapist, thrilled
to hear that you are putting together a plan to get out.
But I also think it's okay.
And I hope if I'm wrong, you tool check me, but I think it's okay to just not be there
as much as possible.
You're like, just from the way that you phrase the question, sounds a lot like, this is
not a parent who's able in this lifetime, and this was my experience as well, to be better.
And their relationship sounds like they enable one another and it sounds like they're just
doing the best they can.
But that doesn't mean that they're best that they can is going to take care of you.
So this is just me saying, Van, take care of you.
Like do what you got to do because it does not sound tenable.
Check me if I'm wrong, you too, which or, you know, or don't know.
I definitely agree if you can be out of the house as much as possible and create more certainty
for yourself in that way, then do that, right?
Because that reduces that anxiety and again, just being in the presence.
Again, we can't change who our parents are or how they behave or respond, but we can
certainly change, you know, our location or how we respond, right?
But I don't disagree.
I don't that will probably be a part of the coaching plan, right, for this particular
for Van, right, to just say, okay, what are three things that we can do here?
And if one of them is I come home at this time every day, I come home at six o'clock
because I know nobody's there from, you know, at that time, I'm just so I can, you know,
not maybe have to interact as much.
I don't see any problem with that, actually.
Yeah.
And because this sounds like it's a very stress-inducing situation and in that vein, a practice
like a body scan meditation may actually be really helpful in those, or to help guide
those situations when you are feeling that stress-rising, you know, feeling, for example,
if there is, say, a lot of anxiety present, especially with your mom, and just recognizing
those physical signs in the body that might be that your chest starts to tighten or, you
know, those feeling in the belly feels like nervousness, anxiousness.
And so in that sense can be a signal, okay, maybe right now the best thing that I could
do is to go and take a walk outside, like removing yourself from that situation to let
some of that heat perhaps subside or go into the kitchen, maybe it's, you can do some
cooking, something that will mindfully distract you from the situation because when we're
in a heated situation and you're treading on eggshells, that tends to be when we may
say or do things that we might later regret or there are said in the heat of the moment.
So as best you can, being aware of how you're feeling physically, mentally, and then putting
action steps in place to mean that you're protecting your space and your overall feeling
in that situation.
That's a really, really great point because I feel like that's something that I didn't
get until I was much older is checking in with my own body.
You know, I don't think I understood when I was operating at like a high vibration until
much later until it was like I was too far past, whatever bad thing was going to happen,
whatever came out of my mouth that maybe shouldn't have or, you know, whatever bad situation.
So it's like I think that's a great indicator.
Yeah.
And also acknowledging that our thoughts can really trigger that fight flight response,
maybe a meagdala, even just thinking when's my mum going to blow up again?
Yes.
Just being on edge all the time means that you're potentially in that elevated state of
stress, all the time at home.
And so can you do things that help to calm the nervous system?
And I know you mentioned deep breathing hasn't been helpful.
So maybe trying out, we have a variety of lengths of body scan meditations, everything
from three minutes all the way up to 30 minutes.
And so that might be a way in which you can check in with the body.
Like how am I feeling at this moment and then do something that can be supportive to you?
And maybe even something that's not so still like a walking meditation, you know, something
that helps like get you out of the house and gets the physical out of your body while
you're also, you know, coming back to yourself.
I know that is very helpful for me when I'm at like an 11.
Yeah.
Well, thank you so much for your question, man.
I can speak for, I know I can speak for Nika and Eve that we are, we are with you and
we are sending you compassion and love and this too shall pass.
All right.
We will be right back.
Okay.
So we've got one more question from Chris.
Here we go.
Hi, space.
Chris from Belfast, Northern Ireland.
I'm just getting in touch today just to ask a question about grief and all things related
to it really.
I always find that whenever something happens, I am very much a very practical person.
I go straight until most of what I call my crisis management mode where I take my emotions
and go, I don't have time for you and they go in a box.
And the box gets put away and then eventually the box opens itself up and then I realize
I've got all these emotions that I haven't dealt with or I come back to you know, sort
of intentionally and mindfully and sort of go, okay, I have to work through this.
But if they then dredge up everything else, you know, after the fact, and I'm just wondering
is there a way of sort of managing those two things in sort of almost simultaneously.
And if that makes sense, if he's having advice on how to sort of manage a crisis mindfully
and allow yourself to feel what you need to feel at the same time.
Yeah, so that would be great.
Thank you so much.
Bye for now.
I think and thanks for that question Chris, because I think we often try to, especially
with grief, we want to be able to manage it and do grief well.
And grief is messy, it's nothing practical about it at all.
They mentioned being, Chris mentioned being really practical, like nothing is practical
about grief.
It rises up, it falls away, it comes back at any time it wants to.
Anytime it wants to.
I'm just so true.
He was just like silently nodding and nodding and nodding.
I'm afraid that is desperately true, Chris, there isn't too much you can be organised in
that way when it comes to grief.
And first, just want to acknowledge if you have recently lost someone or are struggling
to get over the loss of someone.
Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.
And I can also understand why you may have wanted to put things away, pack them away neatly,
put them in the cupboard under the rug kind of approach because facing our pain, facing
the loss of someone is desperately difficult.
And with that process comes a lot of emotional pain.
And it can be with us for a really long time.
And it can bring up a huge amount from our past with that person.
And so I think just acknowledging it's not a quick and simple process, as Nika said.
And so yes, to answer your question, I do think we can hold both.
So we can be with the pain and the sorrow and the loss and also find ways of working through
it.
No, I lost my mum last year and all those waves come thick and fast some days and other
days it feels much more calm and I'm more accepting of the loss.
But for so often, and I had this afternoon, my dad died as well, it feels like when am I
going to be over feeling like this?
And the truth is, you don't really ever get over the loss of someone.
You don't ever, you're never done feeling the grief, but our capacity to live with it
expands.
And so maybe what you're alluding to is how can you allow some of these emotions, some
of these feelings to coexist in your life.
And so holding both the need to get up every day, perhaps go to work, interact with others,
but also holding the sadness and the sorrow and the loss.
And if you have good relationship with friends, with family, definitely letting them know
how you're feeling.
And of course, if this is a shared loss, finding that community with one another.
And I personally have benefited from doing some grief counselling and I would definitely
if that's an option to you, I've also explored a group counselling session as well because
I think there's so much value in being with other folks who are experiencing this and learning
and hearing ways in which they're dealing with it as well.
So yes, and what do you all think about the idea of emotions, feelings, whether they
be grief or joy or sadness or whatever?
Are we even able to kind of slide them over to the side?
I tend to think I'm not capable of that.
Like they're always all with me at all the time.
It's like it's like the elephant in the room.
But I'm curious your thoughts on that.
Like healthy, not healthy.
I think there are some people who are really good at compartmentalizing for a season.
I think it is a coping mechanism for them in that moment and it can work for a while until
it doesn't.
Again, whatever the emotion is that doesn't have to be grief, could be anger, frustration
will have you.
I think there's some people who have had to learn how to do that because they're upbringing.
They've had to compartmentalize, they've had to do that or the world told them that this
is the only way for you to make it in the world.
So it's a pattern actually that has to be broken more than anything because when it comes
to an emotion like grief, which is more, I think many emotions aren't necessarily controllable,
but grief again just kind of does its own thing.
It's where that skill of compartmentalizing doesn't work as well because again, it takes
on its own life and its own thing.
So I think can it be a coping mechanism?
Yes.
Is it a great one?
Not necessarily.
Yeah.
I tend to think like as long as you have choice, like that you're able to do it or not do
it, then that's one thing.
But I also think about the inspiration of my kids in that regard of like that emotions
come and they go like watching like DEF CON 5 meltdown because I said no, but X, Y and
Z followed by jumping for joy five minutes later because we're going to have breakfast
for dinner.
They can just ride through it.
And at some point I feel like we shut that off and then the box just appears like boop,
you know, and we just we make all these choices to I will not feel that I will not do this.
That is not acceptable.
We make all these judgments and it's like, God, if we could all be like the five year
olds, maybe it'd be a little messy if we were all having all our feelings all over the
playground and the work workspace, but there'd be a lot less back pain in the world.
That's what I think.
That's all I'm saying.
Yeah.
And so many people were not encouraged growing up to show their emotions, to express how
they're feeling, you know, crying, especially, you know, young boys was probably dismissed
at and or you were dismissed for crying.
And so the fact that you're aware of your box overflowing in if for one of a better description
says to me that this mechanism for you isn't actually being that effective because it's
perhaps starting to over spill and that feeling of pushing something down because let's be
honest, facing something like grief and loss is painful.
Yeah.
It's really, really painful.
And of course, we naturally want to run away from things that cause us pain.
And sometimes it can be too hard to face, but it doesn't mean you have to face it all
in one go.
And so I think you'll hear this a lot and I've heard it a lot, you know, grief is a journey.
It's not just grief, if there's strong emotions, things like anger, even fear, they don't
feel good, but acknowledging them as part of this human condition that it's normal, as
Nika said, emotions are what make us human.
And with sentient beings, with feeling beings.
And so can you allow yourself and give yourself permission, like it's okay to feel how I'm
feeling.
And there's a really lovely practice that Tara Brock, an amazing meditation teacher called
Rain, and it's, can you recognise how you're feeling, what's arising?
Can you allow it to be there?
Can you investigate with compassion and even name how you're feeling, whether that's anger,
sadness, frustration, whatever the emotion is.
And then can you nurture and acknowledge that it's normal to experience difficult emotions
when we lose someone or when something happens that is painful.
And so it can be a good way to start that process of being with difficult emotions in a way
that isn't all at once.
I had a vision of Chris breaking his box.
Like, you know, those, like they have those new rooms where you can go to and you can like
smash stuff.
Like I want Chris to like go to one of those rooms and bring a box and just crack it.
Just like I'm done with the box.
I'm going to feel all the feelings.
This is, it would be a nice emotional release, you know, to do so.
We'll come with you, Chris, but you got to get over to the States.
I can't be going to Belfast as too far.
And yeah, maybe over time that box becomes smaller and smaller.
Maybe right now that box feels like a big trunk, a big suitcase and over time you can get
it down to a little tiny box that you could put on your desk.
Amazing.
We have taken Chris's metaphor to a new level.
Oh, yeah.
Thank you so much for calling Chris.
We really appreciate your question.
And you too, this has been such a wonderful conversation and such a great kickoff to mental
health awareness month.
I mean, I'm just so proud to be a part of drawing attention to the importance of taking
care of our mental health.
It's just, it's critical.
Yeah, all these questions really highlighted that we live in a messy, complicated world
and it's not always easy.
And so I think if there are ways that we can take care of our mental health and our
well-being, which helps to build that resilience and coping strategies and increasing our resources
for how we weather the ups and downs is really beneficial.
And listening to all the questions today, I think a lot of self-compassion is needed
first of all for asking these really difficult questions and sharing so vulnerably, but also
bringing some self-compassion to you.
So I would definitely recommend checking out the kindness course, which is really centered
actually on kindness to self, to help you navigate the situations that you're in with
that compassion.
Well, that's an excellent, excellent suggestion, Eve.
And I just, I want to say so many thank yous to our callers, Arme, Van and Chris.
Thank you for sending us your questions.
And for those of you listening, we're going to be talking mental health among other topics,
not just all month long, but all year long, all podcast long.
So send us your questions.
All you have to do to record your question is click the link, say hi.chat slash your
headspace in the show notes.
Or just, I don't know, remember it, say hi.chat slash your headspace type it into your browser
and then record your question.
And if we use your question in the show, you are going to get three months of headspace
for free.
Robin is right.
We would love to hear from you because your questions make the show.
Now before I go, I have one last treat for everyone who is listening.
We want to offer you a few moments where you can transition from all the information you
just heard.
It's a moment to reflect and settle your mind.
So here are the sounds of rain washing over rocks.
Listen and let your mind do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy and be kind to each other.
Bye.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones and Scott Sorenson.
It's executive produced by Morgan Celser, Sarah Cohn, Baron Farmer and Danny Christamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kessanga Gaskoambe, Dorah Kamau, Samantha
Snowden, Eve Lewis Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post production is by Dan Crowell, Music is by Scott Sorenson and Chris Marguilla.
And a special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
