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Hi, everybody.
Here we are, Eve and I, back for another Dear Headspace.
And we have some important questions to tackle today.
We have a caller who can't turn their brain off after work.
We'll be hearing from a listener who's anxious after a breakup.
And in honor of Women's History Month, we have a question about how to deal with microaggressions in the workplace.
As a woman,
So here we go.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call. lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
Hi, Eve.
As always, it's just delightful to be sitting here with you today.
Happy Tuesday.
Happy Tuesday.
And this is always a highlight of my week.
I love getting to do this with you and the crew.
It's like we record early enough in the week that it sets me up for a nice week to continue.
Yeah.
Like I said to my husband this morning, he said, where are you off to?
And I was like, I'm off to record Dear Headspace, like with a real like cheer in my voice.
Well, I'm going to act like you just said, I'm off to hang out with Robin.
I'm off to hang out with Robin.
Well, I am super excited to get to our questions to see, if you know, maybe we can help some folks in their community out a little bit.
So let's get to our first question from Gia, who is struggling to shut down after work.
Something that we all, this is really, we all know this.
I know it very well.
Okay.
All right.
Here we go.
Hello, dear Headspace.
This is Gia from California.
I'm having issues turning off my brain after work.
No matter what I do, and box breeding technique, but despite all that, i always catch myself going back to thinking about work.
Please help oh, she just ended on.
Please help.
Oh gee oh send please help send, help.
Please shut my brain off for me.
Yeah, this is something that i like i struggle with for sure, just like anxious thoughts and many, many thoughts, and oh, I gotta do this, I gotta do that.
I mean, like Gia didn't give us the setup of her work, if she's happy at work, if she likes work, but like we can just address it at the most basic level of just sometimes it's tough to shut down.
Yeah, I mean 100.
I think Gia, you are asking this question on behalf of probably every human being that is working.
So, well, just every human being.
Yeah.
Not just working.
I mean, you know, it is, it's hard to unwind sometimes.
In fact, it's hard to unwind a lot of the time.
And what struck me first was you know when you're thinking about work and of course you didn't expand into any great detail, but is it, does it tend to be, worry- and anxiety based?
Because I think it's normal that we spend a lot of our time working and it's only natural that that will bleed into, you know, our evening at the end of the day.
And so just reminding yourself to do things reflecting on the day, like that's thinking is not a bad thing.
Yeah.
You know, the mind is designed to think we can't shut off our thoughts, unfortunately.
And we'll talk a little bit more about that in a moment.
But if you're finding that those thoughts are leaning more heavily towards you know anxiety worry, stress.
You know, that's a different thing.
And I think we can talk through some ways in which you can approach that.
And I will just say and I hear this from so many people it's very frustrating to try and turn off the brain, to try and turn off the mind.
In fact, when we try and do that, we actually end up thinking more like, why can't I calm down?
Exactly.
Why am I the only one who has such a busy mind?
And you know, when it comes to your meditation practice, but also in life, like I promise you, you are not alone.
Yeah.
And really what you're describing is this idea, this analogy that we talk a lot about in meditation is monkey mind.
And there's this really wonderful animation in the app called Monkey Mind that I definitely recommend checking out.
You can just search Monkey Mind.
Words you didn't think you were going to say today.
Monkey Mind.
But yeah, it's a really beautiful way of breaking down the idea that we do have a little monkey running around in our mind sometimes.
And there's sort of striving to want to calm it down can become very frustrating.
When I first heard the question from Gia, I was thinking about when I had a newborn.
They would tell you that like, make sure you do the same thing every single night.
So we had this whole like bedtime routine that was like at seven o'clock you bring the lights down in the apartment and you start talking quieter.
And then we would play certain music to start to cue.
And all of it was to like teach this kid that that it is now time to transition into the next phase of going to bed.
Like, please go to bed so I can shower, perhaps.
But it reminded me of this question of like are there cues and things that you can do to help yourself transition?
Yeah, I'm so glad you brought that up because Gia, you're already doing some amazing practices to support yourself emotionally mentally, through your practices.
But it really might be worth exploring some other ways to transition.
And I think getting outside, if you can, of course.
Working out.
Doing some exercise, because we know that that releases endorphins which help us to feel better in ourselves healthier, happier.
Also, are there activities or hobbies that perhaps can literally take your mind off work and actually allow you to focus on something that you actually really enjoy.
And I'm not saying you need to go and fill your evenings jam-packed every single night, but are there some things that you can do that will actually take your mind off and allow you to focus on something that actually brings you joy?
Spending time with friends, loved ones.
For me, I really enjoy cooking.
If I've had a really busy day, I love nothing more than getting into the kitchen, and Sometimes I'll pop on one of my favorite podcasts.
And it's a really great way to quite literally refocus the mind.
I often use mindful eating and cooking as a way to talk about mindfulness in action.
I am guilty of this as well.
I'll often eat watching something or maybe texting or finishing up some emails.
Most of us have more than one screen.
And so can you actually maybe have a tech-free hour or a tech-free evening in some cases.
So there isn't that pull to check emails, to get back into Slack.
But also, what are you doing during the day?
If you are back-to-back Zoom meetings where there's no breaks, naturally what you do during the day will absolutely influence how you feel and your ability to unwind and, at the end of the day, hugely.
And I actually, rather than switching off, I like to say, can you switch on to something else?
So actually, can you, rather than tune out, can you tune in to something else that isn't work focused?
And actually, in this whole process, be really kind to yourself.
It's okay that you're thinking about work.
It's okay that you may feel anxious or worried but, of course, if that is happening on an ongoing basis and it's starting to impact your sleep, starting to impact your ability to engage with others, then if you can and feel able to, it might be worth speaking with you know, a licensed mental health professional yeah, who could maybe dig into some of these areas in more detail.
And I think wrapped around all of this is looking at your work-life boundaries.
And balance.
And balance, yeah.
Well, thank you so much for your question, Gia.
I think if nothing, we proved that you are definitely not alone.
And we're all up writing notes at 4 a.m. and after work and trying to shift.
But hopefully we gave you some stuff there that might help.
Yeah.
Thank you, Jia.
And I promise you, you are absolutely not alone.
All right.
Well, let's take our next question from Hilda.
Hi, this is Hilda from Hong Kong.
I would love to hear from you on how to handle breakup.
I stress sadness and anxiety about this closed relationship, because I feel really sad about it and also worry about not being able to find and develop a genuine connection with another person and anxious about my status As a single woman.
There's a lot of stress socially and, more importantly, personally.
Yeah, I judge myself for being like this as well.
It's not healthy for myself.
I would love to hear from you guys.
Thank you.
Oh, Hilda.
We can just, you can just hear the sadness, and that is just always tough to you know, it's a tough place to start.
It's just, you know, it's hard.
It's very hard.
Oh, I just want to take a moment, Hilda, because you're carrying a lot.
Yeah, yeah.
You're really carrying a lot.
And just thank you for asking this question because I know you're not alone.
Yeah.
And in those moments when you're lonely and it seems like everyone has what it is that you want, There's nothing but that feeling.
Yeah.
And I think overwhelmingly listening to you, I think that there's, well, there's two things here.
I think one is grieving the loss of the relationship because you have experienced a loss.
And of course, don't know the intricate details of it, whose decision it was and things like that.
But it's very normal to be sad and to feel sad and to grieve when you're in a relationship.
It allows you to think about the future, to make plans, to envision a life with somebody, and that's now been taken away yeah, and so i think, giving yourself some time, and you know, i i think as well hilda, that again we don't know the details of of the breakup, but And I know this is really hard to accept but the breakup did.
It did happen for a reason.
Yeah.
And I think that can be hard to sit with.
But in hearing how you're feeling and I'm just going off you know your tone of voice and how much this is impacting you I'm worried that you're taking all of the blame on yourself and perhaps not considering that there were two people in the relationship.
And actually, were you able to flourish?
Were you able to thrive in the relationship?
Were you able to be yourself?
And it might be worth taking some time to reflect on that.
Yeah. there's an opportunity here to find something that is maybe even a better fit for you.
Absolutely.
And I think, as part of that process, just reminding yourself that in this relationship you did the best you could.
And we obviously can't take the responsibility of another person on ourselves.
And I think, you know, forgiveness comes to mind.
You deserve the same forgiveness that you're perhaps giving to your ex.
You know when there is a breakup and perhaps you're not the one who initiated it.
It can be hard because we may not have the answers that we want and we start making accommodations.
If only I had done this.
If only I hadn't have said that.
If only I hadn't have acted in this way.
And it becomes, we take that responsibility.
It's all our fault.
And so I think, can you be, or allow yourself to be, really compassionately curious about why the relationship did break down.
And of course, there will be things on both sides.
But, you know, no one is perfect.
And we can put people on a pedestal, particularly if we feel this pressure to be in a relationship to tick the boxes societally when it comes to, you know, getting married, having children.
You know the amount of times I have felt judged by others when they've said oh, you don't have, you don't have kids yet.
I don't know.
This to me is like a moment to be, what is, what has Hilda not been able to take care of lately?
Because you were either in a relationship where things weren't exactly how you wanted them, or because maybe you were busy and you were in a couple.
But, like you know, it's Hilda's turn.
It's like, you know.
Yeah.
And also, can Hilda be in a relationship with Hilda?
Yes, yes, yes.
You know I've talked about this on other episodes before because and I hope this helps you not to feel so alone
You know, we've had a number of questions about struggling after a breakup.
And the other piece that I was mentioning earlier, there's there's allowing yourself time to grieve but there's also what really comes to mind here is can you start to love and like yourself and actually it's the universe must be listening because yesterday I saw Serena Williams posted and I took a screenshot of it so let me actually let me um so she says loving yourself is essential I find that I have to remind myself of that self-love through all the different stages in my life.
Right now, I love that my body is not picture perfect.
I love that I smell like milk and that milk sustains my little baby.
I love getting to know a new version of my body.
It is a change, but it's a change that has been well worth it.
So start this week knowing that you are loved and that starts with you.
Oh my God, that is so amazing.
And seeing that I was reminded of this idea in meditation, in our practice, about making friends with ourselves.
This is something that I have been practicing a lot recently in my meditation practice in the morning.
I'm a morning meditator, I tend to be.
And this was something actually my meditation teacher suggested, Because I was saying I was really struggling with a lot of self-doubt and self-criticism.
And she says, maybe just try when you sit down in the morning, the beginning of your practice, just to maybe put a hand on your heart and just say hey honey, how are you doing?
And it's just such a lovely way to encourage that warmth, encourage that friendliness, because we do need to be friends with ourselves and again, i've shared this many times on on the show.
But how we talk to ourselves is not often how we talk to a friend no no, and it's really developing that loving awareness, that kind awareness, that understanding awareness.
So i would say four, the time being, can you focus entirely on you?
Yeah, being in a relationship with hilda, because i think if you are seeking a relationship and wanting to be in a partnership with someone else, if that love for yourself isn't there, you could end up making some, some sacrifices to your overall well-being, to your overall happiness.
And you yourself said, this is not healthy.
It's really impacting you.
Yeah.
Well Hilda, I mean, we are with you and we hope that you are able to go forward through the grief, through loving yourself, and come out on the other side.
And we're out here, we're rooting for you.
Yes.
And I'll just say so.
Dora, one of our incredible teachers she's through her own experience wrote a course that launched was it last year.
Healing After a Breakup.
And it's all rooted in self-compassion.
So I definitely recommend checking that out as well.
That sounds perfect.
All right, we will be right back.
Okay, let's go to our last question from Erica.
Hi, dear Headspace.
My name is Erica.
I'm calling from Norwalk, Connecticut.
I'm calling because I was looking for some advice on dealing with microaggressions in the workplace as a woman.
I currently work as an auditor for an accounting firm and I'm actually really blessed that most of my colleagues are women.
However, there are a couple people on our team who are men.
And I truly don't think that they mean any harm by it.
However, I feel like there's just like slight microaggressions or digs when it comes to working with women in the workplace, whether it be how we deal with our emotions or how we show up when it comes to our clientele.
And so I was wondering if you had any advice on how to kind of maneuver that conversation in a way that is productive but also direct, in that I don't appreciate the comments or that I don't really want to hear that.
And I don't think it's appropriate or productive.
And it's also a little bit uncomfortable.
So yeah, if you have any insight on that or any advice, I would love to know.
And thank you so much.
I love the show.
Thank you.
Thanks, Erica.
This is a fantastic question and something I think about a lot.
Like I just had a friend who said to me that there was this opportunity for this big business trip.
And in front of an entire room, like a conference room full of people, their boss said to them Well, you know you can go, but like are you going to be able to get child care coverage?
And like never in the history of conference room meetings has any man ever said that to another man for an opportunity to travel.
And it's just it's like those kinds of things.
They happen so frequently, so regularly.
And I love what Erica said.
Like, I don't think they mean mean it or they're doing it on purpose.
There's like, I mean, we're giving them the benefit of the doubt, but because there is like a societal thing bias, that happens.
And these things are just acceptable in some ways in the workplace, but we don't want them to be.
No.
And Erica, just thank you for asking this question, because this is a topic that needs continuous focus.
And there is honestly still a lot of education but also just a ton of unlearning that needs to happen.
And Just what you were saying, Robin.
I do want to give folks the benefit of the doubt, but that's also just an excuse.
Yeah.
Like why not take the time to actually educate yourself?
And, you know, I've seen in the media folks saying, well, you just can't say anything these days.
Well, it's just like it's just you can't go from one extreme to the other.
Like you made a mistake.
Clean it up.
You can't then just be like, I can't say anything.
You know it's that's.
That's the stuff that doesn't get us further along in the conversation is when people go there.
Yeah.
And also it absorbs any responsibility and actually justifies harmful behavior.
And you know, if let's just talk briefly about and I look, I am not a DEI expert and And this is just through my own personal education, through my own learning and taking part in this conversation,
Microaggressions are felt because they're an attack on who you are as a person, whether it's your gender, your sexuality, your parental status.
I definitely have felt that.
Oh, you don't have kids yet. socioeconomic backgrounds, age, even mental health disorders.
And they really can impact anyone.
I think traditionally or historically, it tends to be targeted on more marginalized groups, communities.
So I think just acknowledging that as well.
But research has also shown that the impact of microaggressions is really significant higher levels of stress, depression of health disorders, increased diabetes, heart disease.
So whilst these might be termed as microaggressions, the actual impact is really macro.
I was going to say it should be macro because they are small things that happen regularly.
Like the times that someone does something so egregious, that's like fireable are few and far between.
But the amount of times that someone may put you in your place as a woman throughout any given day can be many.
Massively.
And that's that saying, you know, death by a thousand paper cuts.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Every single one is just yet another another swipe.
You know, I think the overriding thing here and I'm really grateful that Headspace is taken the charge in this space in terms of really, you know, having these tough conversations yeah, and actually acknowledging where there are weaknesses and, of course, no organization is perfect but I think Erica, do you feel comfortable enough to perhaps bring this to your HR team, I think, as a first pass, and just make them aware that this is happening?
And, Of course, if you maybe don't feel that safe doing that, maybe could you speak to a co-worker, someone you do trust.
Maybe you go together.
Maybe there's a community aspect to this.
You know I'm wary to say confront the person because of course I don't know the relationship that you have.
If again, you did feel very safe and secure, to just say in a kind way look, You may not have realized this, but when you say this, it's actually really upsetting.
And I just want to make you aware of that.
But of course, timing of that is really important.
Calling someone out in front of others obviously could make someone feel very defensive.
And so thinking about when would be the best time.
But also, you know, it's sensitive.
You know, I've had this happen to me multiple times.
Thankfully not once.
That heads me.
But when, you know, I worked in my advertising days, you know, thanks, sweetheart.
Yeah, sweetie.
All right, gorgeous.
Or commenting on, that's a nice skirt.
Okay.
It can make you feel really uncomfortable, especially if that's coming from an older, more powerful person.
So you're not, you're very valid in feeling these things.
And, you know, this is not a new topic.
Yeah, no, it's really not.
But it's like a glacially slow improving area.
You know much like all the other isms.
You know it's like glacially slow.
And it's like and I like. what you said earlier about, cause it makes me think about community.
Do you have mentors in the workplace that you can talk to?
Because I do think many things are political and you do have to be careful how you step forward because, like it could be a person in a higher position than you.
There could be some big promotion that's out there for you.
There could be a million things that this could impact.
So finding a strong mentor in the And this is the beauty of this whole podcast taking care of yourself as you do it.
Yes, absolutely.
And I'm thinking back to what we were talking about in the previous question around this fierce self-compassion and actually standing in your truth, knowing that what you're feeling is 100 valid.
And how can you take that energy in a way that is protective of yourself but allows you to acknowledge that what you're feeling is valid, but in a way that helps you to perhaps help others by speaking up, but doing so in a way that provides a space for some healing?
Because you said, you know, it makes me feel uncomfortable.
I don't like this.
I want to be able to show up at work being my full self.
And that should be a right of yours.
Like that's a basic right.
Yeah.
And look, underlying all of this is we all have unconscious biases.
Like we do.
And we will make mistakes.
And you know I was thinking back to some training that our chief purpose officer, Dr Wisdom Powell, was giving us on this very, very topic last year.
And she said, this is not comfortable work.
You will feel uncomfortable.
It will make you feel uneasy at times.
And there will be areas that we need to work on.
And that does apply, you know, across the board.
I think, obviously, in this instance, there is probably more work for some than others.
And I think that speaks to what you were saying, Robin is it's not on the responsibility of the person who's feeling targeted, victimized.
They shouldn't be having to do the work.
And I think this excuse of, well, I didn't mean it.
It's like, well, that comes back to that awareness.
And so to anyone who's like on the receiving end of hearing feedback, you know, because we've all been in situations where someone says hey, you did this thing and it kind of wasn't cool.
And it doesn't feel awful, feels awful, like I'm a terrible person.
And so if you're in those shoes, can you listen openly?
I know the first place to go to is one of defense, one of justifying.
What are you talking about, Eve?
I'm just kidding.
Yeah.
So, you know, can you can you be compassionate with yourself?
And actually recognize, yeah, I made a mistake.
And I'm going to use this knowledge now to educate myself, to make sure that I don't do that again, to actually be a bit more aware and realize that words have consequences.
Well Erica, we are.
I mean, we're with you in the workplace and I hope that you find your people who can help guide you through, like what's the best path forward for you in your workplace?
Because it is hard, but you've got a lot of people alongside who understand what you're experiencing.
Yeah, and I'm just really sorry that this is your experience.
I know many other people women, marginalized communities will be standing up beside you.
I know i stand beside you, having experienced this myself in the past, and you know we we actually have created some, some content in the app around having difficult conversations and communication.
There's actually a really great exercise called difficult communication, so maybe taking a listen to that before having a conversation to allow you to remain in your truth and maintain that courage in having that conversation.
It's fantastic.
Well, Eve, I mean, today's questions, they have just been all been so relatable.
And I have to say that that's one of the things that I love about the show is though, even though the questions are specific to one person, there's just there's something that we can all see in ourselves or we've all probably been through together.
So yeah, I mean, these three questions, wow, every single one I can relate to.
As an individual, as a woman, having experienced all of it.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, I think we're saying we're all in this together.
I mean, I love this community.
And I will say, speaking of that, I want to thank our callers Gia, hilda and erica.
Thank you for reaching out and we just we hope this was helpful to you and hey, if you're listening and you're in the market for a little bit of help, we'd love to be there for you.
So, to record your question, you're just going to head over to say hichat slash, dear headspace, and that link is, of course, going to be in the show notes and if we use your question in the show, you are going to get three months of headspace for free.
What a deal, What a deal indeed.
And what a way to show yourself some self-compassion, some love.
And as we wrap up today's episode, I get the honour of sharing with you one last moment before we go.
This is really just a little break so you can transition before moving into the rest of your day.
And it's some time to reflect on what you just experienced, what you just heard, and a moment to settle your mind.
So here are the sounds of rain hitting on canvas.
And as you listen, let your mind do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy, and most of all, be kind to yourself and each other.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorensen.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohn, Barron Farmer, and Danny Karisamy.
Our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings-Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kaysonga Gaskombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, Eve-Louise Prieto and Rosie Acosta.
Post-production is by Dan Kroll.
Music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Mergia.
And a special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
