Hello, welcome to welcome back to trying not to care if you're new here.
My name is ashley and i upload every single monday and every now and then i do a q a or an advice session where i ask you what you want to ask me, and i usually pull these questions from my instagram.
I'll ask my story and if you see the story and you have a question and you ask me that question and i like that question, I will answer it.
So this month's advice session is all about dating during the holidays because, let's be real, dating during the holidays is excruciating.
It is so hard.
Even if you are in a long-term relationship and everything's going swell, the holidays can sometimes be a headache.
So I asked you what you needed advice on during the holiday season.
Thanksgiving's right around the corner Hanukkah Christmas, New Year's Eve Whatever holiday you celebrate, you may be struggling.
You may be having a hard time.
And that's where I come in.
I'm here to give you my expertise.
And by expertise, I just mean my thoughts and opinions.
You might not agree with them.
But you also might be like, wow, this girl is a genius.
And if you think that, I'm not going to correct you.
I'm not going to tell you you're wrong.
But... if you like today's episode and you like these advice sessions but you want your question to be answered there is a google form in the show notes that you can ask me there but honestly your best chance is just following me on social media and saying my story when i ask you because i usually pull my questions from there it's the easiest way so make sure to follow my instagram also follow my tiktok because i post a lot there anyways enough with the Let's get into it.
Is it a bad idea to reach out to my ex to wish him a Merry Christmas or to text him during New Year's?
I'm gonna be so honest with you.
I do think it's a bad idea.
I don't think it's a bad thing.
I think it's a bad idea.
I don't think you're being stupid if you do it.
I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I've never done it.
I definitely have in the past.
But I don't think it's productive and I think more times than not we regret doing it.
In my opinion there are two main reasons people reach out to their exes during the holidays.
The first one being they miss them, and it feels weird to not talk to someone that you usually spend this holiday with.
Things naturally remind you of them.
You're watching a movie and you're like last year we watched this movie together.
I wonder how they are.
I wonder how their family is.
Should I check in on them?
The second reason being it gives them an excuse to reach out to someone that normally they don't have a reason to reach out to.
The rest of the year, they have no excuse to talk to them, to text them, to ask them how they are.
It's like when an ex texts you, happy birthday.
It gives them an excuse to reach out, see how you are, and potentially rekindle things.
The reason that I don't think it's a good idea to reach out to your ex during the holidays is because The holidays don't change the reason why you broke up.
The holidays are just a reminder that you broke up and you miss them.
Especially if you just broke up and it's a fresh wound.
The holidays are like pouring salt on an open wound.
Just like any other day where you hear a song that reminds you of them, or you drive by them while you're running errands or you're doing laundry and you find the sweater that you wore on your first date.
It's going to hurt because it's a reminder of something that you no longer have.
The holidays are that, but on steroids, it's mourning and grieving on crack.
But just because it hurts, just because you miss them, doesn't mean that they deserve a place in your life.
There's a reason that it didn't work out, whether it was because of their mistakes, your mistakes, a mutual decision.
It didn't work out for a reason, and that's going to still be true after the holidays.
I think, also reminding yourself how there's a huge chance that if you reach out to your ex, you're going to regret it deeply the next morning.
You're going to wake up feeling terrible.
That in itself is a good way to stop you from reaching out.
Reminding yourself, if I do this, I might wake up with the worst anxiety of my life.
Think about how bad it might feel, waking up the next day after texting your ex especially if you're drinking and you wake up the next day and you're like, oh my good god, I can't believe I reached out to them.
Also, think about how much worse it would feel if you did reach out and they didn't respond.
Or if they did respond and they responded in a way that wasn't nice.
Like what if you text them saying like I miss you and they're like okay well, I don't miss you.
Stop texting me or I'm with my new girlfriend.
Stop hitting me up.
That's going to ruin your Christmas, that's going to ruin your New Year's, that's probably going to ruin the next month for you And that's not fair to you, especially if you've been making progress and you've been learning to live without them.
You've been slowly, slowly but surely overcoming that heartbreak and you've been focusing on you and you've been doing all these good things for yourself.
Reaching out to your ex is just going to push that back a few steps.
And for what?
Just to potentially get some validation and potentially talk to them for a few seconds, potentially rekindle a relationship that doesn't need to be rekindled.
Like, listen, reaching out to your ex during the holidays is is a canon event.
You know, it's going to happen.
I can sit here and tell you that it's not a good idea and you're going to regret it.
But sometimes you just got to learn that on your own.
So do I recommend it?
No, definitely not.
But if you do it, it's not the worst thing in the world.
I've been there.
I've done that.
But like maybe learn from my mistakes.
That's what I'm here for, right?
I'm telling you this did not go well multiple times for me.
This is probably going to be a disaster.
Maybe don't do it.
But I get it if you do, but like maybe don't, and also prepare yourself for the possible heartbreak that comes afterwards.
So like, yeah, maybe just don't do it, okay?
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I haven't told my family that my ex and I broke up, so I'm afraid what to say when they ask me where he is during Thanksgiving and Christmas, because we usually spend the holidays together.
Okay.
So sharing with your friends or your family that you and your partner have officially broken up is never going to be easy, even on a normal day, when it's not the holidays.
It's going to be hard.
But I can promise you it's going to be even harder if your entire family is asking you What's going on when you're sitting down at the dinner table during the holidays.
And I know that because I've been there.
I tried to avoid that at all costs.
I did not want to be honest with my parents about me and my boyfriend at the time breaking up because our relationships were just so up and down.
They were so inconsistent.
They were so unpredictable.
I didn't want to say we had broken up and then a week later get back with them, because I knew in a way my parents would look down upon me and our relationship and him and really they would try to hold me accountable.
And I didn't want that because them holding me accountable meant me not being with that guy.
So in the past, before the holidays were about to roll around, I wouldn't want to share with them that we had broken up, because in my mind I'm like well, we might be together during Christmas like, give it a couple weeks and we might be together.
I don't want to say that we broke up and then you know, come Christmas, be back with them and my parents be like what the fuck, Ashley?
Like, what's going on?
And then also during the holidays, if we weren't together, if we were still broken up and they asked me where's your boyfriend?
I wouldn't want to tell them like, oh, we're not together because it would be this whole thing.
So I would just make up a lie about how he wanted to spend it with his family.
But even just them bringing it up and reminding me that we weren't together was super hard for me and it would immediately ruin my mood.
Looking back at those times now, I wish I was honest with my family and honest with my parents, because if I, just prior to the holidays, told them we had broken up, they probably wouldn't have bugged me during the holidays.
They would have let me be and I would have gotten so much support from them and I wouldn't have had such a hard time during the holidays.
The holidays are supposed to be a time where you spend it with your loved ones and you take time to slow down.
You have work off, you have uninterrupted time and you just get time to appreciate the people in your life and reconnect with them.
You don't want to ruin that night by having anxiety about your family potentially asking you about your ex, and you also don't want to be bombarded with questions at the dinner table and then get so upset and have your night ruined.
It's going to hurt telling them regardless.
It doesn't matter when you do it, it's going to hurt.
So you might as well tell them in advance, before the holidays roll around, so you can avoid those very upsetting, awkward conversations that again are going to ruin your night.
Also, more than likely, if you tell your family before the holidays roll around come Thanksgiving, come Christmas, come any holiday that you celebrate they're probably going to be nicer to you.
Imagine that.
Like imagine a holiday where everyone's just a little nicer to you.
They let you choose the music.
They give you more food.
They give you better presents.
They don't pick a random fight with you because they know that you're a little fragile.
And in my experience that's what my parents had done for me and I didn't know it at the time.
I wish I knew that sooner so I didn't hide those breakups from them, because it would have been so much easier to navigate through a breakup if I had just told my parents like hey, this is what's going on.
I'm struggling really bad right now.
When my last ex and I had broken up, it was during the holidays it was literally during Christmas and I was just having the hardest time and I was very guarded in that I didn't want to tell my family about it.
And it wasn't until like January where I really opened up to my dad and I told him everything.
Because at that point I realized like yeah, we're not getting back together.
And I just told him everything.
I told him how I was feeling and he was just the best.
He gave me the biggest pep talk of my life and really changed things for me.
But come Valentine's Day, my dad knew that I was going to be spending it alone and he knew it was going to be a really hard day for me.
So he bought me this very beautiful Pandora ring.
He bought me flowers.
He bought me a card.
He bought me candy.
He just made me feel very special and very loved on that day.
And that's exactly what I needed at that time.
So don't doubt the love that your family can give to you if you're just honest with them.
I know that You're afraid of the questions or the judgment they might put on you, knowing that you and your ex are done.
But try to brush that off and think about the love and the care they're probably willing to give to you, knowing that you're hurting.
Let them in and let them know that you're hurting.
I know that it's uncomfortable to let people be there for you.
But that's exactly what the holidays are there for to lean on your loved ones, to be there for your loved ones, to give each other support.
So don't push them away.
Don't try to hide anything.
Like just be open, be honest and try to have a good time with people who are choosing you and who do love you.
How to cope with missing my ex during the holidays.
You really can just do the best that you can do.
I'm not going to sit here and say that breakups are easy because they're not.
Especially during the holidays, they're really, really hard.
Even if you broke up a long time ago, even if it's been a year or a couple years and you're still single and you're still mourning that relationship.
There's not a correct timeline in when you get over someone.
You're allowed to mourn that relationship for however long you need to.
I think also there's this weird thing where for some people They might not think about that ex whatsoever throughout the year.
They're totally fine.
They're not even on their radar.
But then the holidays approach and they're like, wait a minute.
I miss my ex.
I wish I was with them right now.
What is going on?
Should I text them?
Ooh, are they thinking about me?
And it's just this very confusing thing.
What I'm not going to tell you to do is to just get over it and to pretend that you don't miss them.
Because suppressing emotions is never...
The answer at some point, they're going to rise and they're going to come out.
So why hold on to those emotions and delay the healing journey and delay the grieving journey?
Just let it happen naturally.
And if you're sad, be sad.
What I don't think is productive is letting those emotions ruin the holiday season for you.
If you're gonna miss someone, if you're gonna be sad, it's going to happen regardless.
So you might as well feel that way, while also enjoying the holidays, spending time with your friends and family, seeing some holiday lights, seeing some holiday movies going shopping, baking cookies, doing everything that you've always loved to do, because I can tell you right now you've lived a lot longer of a life than you've spent in a relationship with that person.
You enjoyed the holidays before them And you can enjoy the holidays without them.
When you have a moment of missing your ex, just let it happen.
Like if you're watching a movie and you're like, damn, last time I watched this, I was with my ex.
Acknowledge that thought, validate how you feel and then try to move forward and do something that feels better than how you feel, thinking about your ex.
Maybe get up and make yourself some popcorn, make yourself a snack.
After the movie, go and do some skincare and put on some really cozy pajamas.
Just do something with that emotion.
Something that I struggled with during the holidays was fixating on things that me and my ex would do, or like the traditions we had, or how I missed spending time with him and his family.
And I was making the holidays about him when it's not about my ex.
I remember, right after my ex and I had broken up, my friends wanted to go to this park that's filled with Christmas lights, where you drive your car through it.
And I was really hesitant about going because it was an activity that my ex and I would go and do.
So I was like, if I go, I'm going to be sad and I'm going to miss him and I'm going to think about him and then I'm going to text him and I'm going to remember that we're not together.
And it was this whole thing.
But I ended up going and I had the best time.
And of course, I missed him at the time.
But I realized that This activity does not belong to just him and I.
I don't have to make it about him.
Now when I go and do that activity, it's not attached to him.
I've gone so many times since then and I've made so many new memories.
Instead of making one activity or one thing about your ex, make new memories with new people and make it about you.
Make it about your new life, not your past life.
I hope that makes sense.
I guess the best advice I can give you is just allow yourself to mourn.
Feel all your emotions.
But don't get too stuck on them.
Allow yourself to move forward.
Some days are going to be harder than others, but make it a goal of yours to really focus on you and focus on your current life.
And honestly, the holidays are the best time to do it.
It's the coziest time.
There's so many things to look forward to.
There's so many good movies to watch, so much good music to listen to.
It's the best time to romanticize your life.
But yeah, just do your best and know you're not alone.
Like so many people are struggling with that during the holidays.
It's hard, but it's not impossible to work through.
So you got it.
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When is the right time to bring my partner home?
We just started dating and I want them to come over for Christmas and spend it with me, but I don't know if it's too early or if it would be harder to get over them if we broke up, if they met my family.
I don't think there's necessarily a right time or a specific timeline of when it's okay or when it's appropriate for you to bring your significant other home.
It really comes down to where you're at and your relationship and how serious you are with your partner.
If you have a really strong connection with this person, or maybe you guys were friends before dating and you know this person well.
I think you know them well enough to gauge how they feel about you and where the relationship's going.
Whereas if you just started dating someone where you might be more serious about them than they are about you and you're not really sure if it's going to be long term, because they're kind of all over the place and they're not consistent, that's more of a risky situation.
I definitely think it's important to have that conversation with your partner and just be upfront about why you're guarded and why you're afraid to bring them home because you don't want to send them mixed messages.
I think it's definitely at your own pace.
Go as slow as you need, but just be honest with them, because you don't want them thinking that you don't want them to meet your family.
I would much rather hear someone say like I am not completely confident in bringing you home because if you meet my family, my family and I are going to get more attached to you.
So, unless you're very serious about me, I don't think that we should take that next step rather than someone just being like yeah, I don't think it's a good idea.
I don't want to bring you home.
Bringing someone home to your family is a very important step in a relationship, and i do think that it does make the relationship more serious because there's a new level of accountability for you and your partner, because now it's like if you mess up, if you hurt this person, you're not only hurting them, you're potentially risking a relationship with their family.
It's more than just you and this person.
Now you have more to lose.
When i think about my future with josh, it's not just my future with josh, of course.
He is the focus.
But now I'm thinking of like weekends with his family, holidays with his family spending time with his sister, things like that.
Especially if your goal is to marry this person.
Those people are going to be an extension of you and your family and you're becoming one with them.
So it's just a very important thing and very sacred in my opinion.
I don't think it should be rushed.
I think if you're ready, do it.
But if you're not, like hold off until you are.
It's not going to be a one size fits all.
Everyone has different timelines.
What's important is that you and your partner are on the same timeline and you're moving at the same pace.
So I would just have that conversation with them and be like, do you think it's too soon?
How do you feel?
Would you feel offended if we don't spend the holidays together?
Do you want to spend the holidays together?
Should we wait until, you know, maybe Easter or something?
You know, just gauge how they feel.
Find a good common ground between you and your partner and just go from there.
I think it's valid if you are offended, but I also think sometimes it's just not as deep as we feel that it is.
It really depends on the situation because there could be multiple things happening here.
The first thing being the worst thing and the very hurtful thing, that they just don't want to spend the holidays with you.
They don't want their family to know about you.
They don't want you to meet their family.
And they're just...
Being guarded in a weird way, you know, that's where the red flag should be raised.
I understand being offended in that way where they're being sketchy and they're not giving you a reason of why they don't want to spend the holidays with you.
I get feeling like why don't you want me to meet the most important people to you if I'm an important person to you?
If you're serious about me, if you see a future with me, why wouldn't you want me to connect with your family?
But then there's the second thing that I see as more reasonable and something that josh and i even butt heads over during the holidays and we've been together for eight years is they just might want to spend time with their family because it's their family and it's a tradition.
So it might not be about not wanting to meet your family or not wanting to split time with your families.
It might just be about the tradition of like i want to be with my family, i want to wake up with my family on christmas, i want to open presents with my family, i want to eat dinner with my family, because You really only get a couple, a handful of holidays with your family if you're lucky.
So I understand the point of being like well, why would I want to spend time with another family?
That's not mine?
Especially if you don't live close to each other or if the family is long distance and they have to go fly to see their family.
I get being selfish in the way of I'm not able to do this holiday with you unless you're coming with me to my family.
The third thing that might be happening is they might be guarded in the way of.
They're afraid to take the next step with you and to bring your families into the equation, out of fear of what if the relationship doesn't work.
And now it's even messier and it's harder, because that's the truth of what happens when your families do merge and you get to meet each other's families.
It just gets more serious and there's more to lose.
I would definitely have that conversation with them and see where they're at and how they're feeling and figure out what is standing in the way of wanting to spend time together.
And I guess, depending on their response, that's how you can gauge how you feel and if you are offended by their response or if you're okay with why they want to spend the holidays alone.
I just wouldn't jump to conclusions without having that conversation.
Don't just immediately jump to.
They don't want me to meet their family because they're cheating on me.
They don't want me to meet their family because they're going to break up with me.
They don't want me to meet their family because they're not serious about me.
It might be I'm not ready to meet your family or you meet mine, because I care so much about you and I'm just afraid of taking the next step.
You really never know until you have that conversation.
Gift ideas for someone you just started dating.
I'm gonna keep saying this, but I think it's just so important that you make sure the relationship is established and you talk to your partner and figure out where you're at and what you are.
Are you exclusive?
Are you still not weird?
I like you.
You like me but we're not ready to settle down yet.
Are you super serious and on the same path?
Because I feel like that's going to determine what kind of gift you're going to be giving to your partner.
I also think it's good to establish if you guys are giving gifts and kind of set a budget if you feel comfortable doing that.
I'm pretty sure me and Josh did that when we first started dating.
We kind of did that like don't spend more than X amount of money kind of thing.
But if you guys just started dating like a month ago, just figure out if you're even doing gifts because for your partner it might be too soon for them or there's just mixed messages like Make sure that it's settled so you don't have that awkward.
I got you a gift, but you didn't give me a gift, and you got me a very luxurious gift and I got you a lollipop.
As for giving gifts to someone that you're newly dating, I think it's important to not go overboard.
You don't need to spend a lot of money.
You don't have to be super bougie and luxurious.
Sometimes, when you go to extravagant too early and you spend all this money, it can be a little overwhelming.
And also if you're in a new relationship, don't want to scare them away by giving them too much or giving them a very intimate gift or being like mushy gushing me like i love you here's to forever they're gonna be like who whoa you know what maybe this is just a little too much too fast the gesture is the most important thing in my opinion you don't have to spend a lot of money you could be budget friendly but i would say don't be too generic you want to make it seem like you tried you want it to still be sentimental well like not doing too much thing that i think is cute and it's sentimental and it's not going to cost a lot of money is getting them like a sweatshirt or a mug or something that's useful that they'd use in their everyday lives that's from the place that you want your first date or where you first met or just something that reminds you of them or like maybe it's an inside joke for example if your first date was in Newport Rhode Island you can get them a really cozy Newport Rhode Island sweatshirt or even thrift one if you're trying to be budget friendly you can also do something cute like get them a painting or an ornament of the place that you want on your first date or the day that you first met I'm pretty sure you can find something like that on Etsy I saw on TikTok there's this girl that paints them but it's practical it's sentimental it shows them that you remember important parts of your relationship and you put thought into the gift another gift that's sentimental that i really love is making like a playlist or if you want something physical maybe a cd or a tape of music that you've either listened to together music that reminds you of them or music that you think they're going to love again it just shows that you care that you're thinking of them and that you put a lot of effort into it i would just die if someone made me a tape obviously if you go down that route if you're doing a cd or a tape make sure you also get them something to play said tape or CD.
Don't just give them something that they literally can't listen to.
Obviously, the easier thing to do if it's a newer relationship and you don't even know if you're giving gifts is maybe make them a playlist that they can listen to online, like on Spotify or Apple.
And then I think an easy gift to get anyone is just focused on what that person likes.
Look at their passions, their hobbies, the sports they play.
Like, if you're dating a guy who really likes golf, get them a gift card to Dick's Sporting Goods and then get them some golf balls to pair with it.
Or if your girlfriend loves coffee, get her a Dunkin' gift card, and then you can put it in a cute little mug and then wrap a bow around it.
It's not too much of a gift, but it's enough to be like I'm thinking of you, I see you, I know what you like and you know they're going to love it and they're going to use it.
Should I get a gift for my situationship?
My rule of thumb is if there's no label, there is no gift.
For example, your best friends get gifts because they're your best friend.
There's a label.
It's been solidified.
These are my best friends.
I think a big part of gift giving is the appreciation aspect of it.
I'm giving you this gift because I appreciate you and you're an important person in my life, which raises the question If I'm just your situationship, I must not be important to you, because if I was important to you, you would want to move forward and progress this relationship, and we haven't yet.
So what's that mean for us?
What am I to you?
Is there a reason why we're not more?
Is there a reason why we're not exclusive?
If, in your eyes, I'm not good enough to be more than a situationship, why do you think that you deserve my money?
Why do you think that you deserve a gift from me?
In my opinion, situationships don't give gifts.
Gifts are a privilege and a situationship, you don't get that privilege.
I understand if you guys just started talking and you're in that weird.
I like you, you like me, I don't know what we are, kind of thing.
Buying gifts for each other just seems too fast.
That's reasonable.
But if you've been talking to this person for multiple months or years and there's been no conversation of moving forward and progressing or even just questioning what you're doing, I feel like that tells you all you need to know, because a person who wants you is going to be clear that they want you.
One, because it's going to kill them to not be with you in a serious way.
Two, they're not going to want to risk losing you to someone else.
And three, they're not going to want to confuse you or make you question how they feel about you.
Someone who's serious about you is going to want to make sure that you know they're serious.
So if they haven't given you that validation and clarification, that kind of tells you all you need to know,
I know that it can be hard when your love language is gift giving and you want to show this person how you feel about them.
But you really should be asking, what does this person want to give to me?
How do they feel about me?
How are they showing me that they want me?
Rather than putting so much of the attention on how you want to show up for them.
Do you think they're going to want to give you a gift?
If there's even a question in your mind that they're not going to give you something, you probably shouldn't be giving them a gift.
Obviously, it's not black and white.
Everyone's situation is going to be different.
As I've said a million times, I think the best plan of action is just having that conversation with them, especially before you get into December.
Figure out what you are.
It's going to be a weird conversation.
It's going to be uncomfortable because you might not get the answer that you want.
So be prepared for that.
Be prepared for them to either say they don't want anything more than friends with benefits, or or be prepared for their uncertainty.
Because if they're still uncertain when you're trying to make it clear that you want clarification, it might not be the answer that you want, but it's the answer that you need.
Because, although they're not saying no, I don't want you, they're also not saying yes, I do want you.
I think a gift should not be given unless you're exclusive.
I don't think you should be spending money, especially on a man, if they haven't locked it down with you.
But if you are going to be giving a present to someone that you're not exclusive with, just make sure that you've clarified that you both know what you are and you're okay with that, because in the moment you might think that this is something that you want to do.
You want to give them a present and you're like they don't need to give me anything.
It's fine.
But then when it's actually time to give them the gift and they don't give you one, it's gonna probably hurt and you're probably going to feel resentful.
I personally think it's better to know what you are, even if you hear what you don't want to hear.
It's gonna hurt, but it's going to hurt regardless.
So you might as well hurt with more money.
But that is where I'm going to end today's advice session.
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Moving forward for my advice sessions.
I kind of want to do them with a topic in mind, kind of like today's episode.
For example, advice session specifically cater to content creation or wedding planning or things I wish I knew when I was in school, things like that.
So if there's any topics you have in mind that you want me to do for future advice sessions, please let me know.
I would love to get some examples and ideas from you.
And again, if you want to ask me questions, the Google forms in the show notes, but the easiest way to ask me questions and more than likely get them answered is through Instagram.
So make sure to follow me there.
That's everything for today.
As always, thank you so much for hanging out with me.
I love you more than I could ever tell you.
And I hope you're staying safe this holiday season and you're being good to yourself.
You deserve it.
I will talk to you next Monday.
Bye.
