Hi, my name is Darcy Carden and I feel literally very happy about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
That's so nice.
I was afraid you were going to say compelled.
Fall is here, hear the yell.
Back to school, ring the bell.
Brand new shoes, walkin' loose.
Climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends And you have a new fixation.
Yeah.
And you were very excited about it.
I didn't even hear what it was.
I saw you very animated talking to everybody here at the Larchmont headquarters.
And so I said, whatever you're talking about, stop and let's preserve it on air.
Yeah.
I don't know what you're going to say.
I honestly don't.
What is this new show you're watching?
Tell us about it.
I'm watching a new show that a lot of people are watching, and it's called Heated Rivalry.
Heated Rivalry.
And you probably heard me talking a lot about butts.
I didn't hear the butts part.
Oh, I was saying butts a lot.
That's any given day with you.
Yeah, I know.
You could talk about the economy.
You could talk about tariffs and it would be all butts.
How come we, I'm not seeing as many butts these days.
We're the German butts.
Well, until the tariffs are lowered.
Those tariffs!
I want those good German butts.
What?
Yeah.
OK.
I don't know anything.
Heated rivalry.
And what do you mean it's about butts?
What's what's happening?
So it obviously is more than butts.
It's these hockey players.
Don't say obviously with you.
It could just be.
It could just be.
It could just be a screen with butts floating around and you'd be happy.
If they had a show just called butts, I would watch that show.
You would have made that show.
Yeah.
The executive producer.
Yeah.
All right.
So I will not interrupt you.
Tell us about heated rivalry.
So it's it's about hockey players.
They're professional hockey players and they're also gay.
So, but they can't be out because they're professional athletes in a sport that isn't typically accepting of that.
So it's very like they have to hide it.
And they're on different teams.
They're on different teams.
I guess that explains the title.
They have to hide it.
Oh.
OK, so they're on different teams.
Yeah.
So they're like playing and then it'll cut to them doing it.
And then they're like playing and then it'll cut to them doing it.
And it's just like doing it.
Hockey, doing it.
Hockey.
And it's so much fun.
And I think that you guys are not the demographic.
And to be honest, I'm not really the demographic.
But like when I wait a minute, why do you say you're not the demographic?
Because I'm a woman and I'm straight.
But I do think that the people that are watching the show are gay men and straight older, skewing women.
Because the women want to see the butts.
I love seeing these like hard bodies and I like seeing them naked and then I like seeing them do it.
Yeah.
And then.
How graphic is it?
Is it as graphic as your hands doing this?
My hands are butting each other.
Butts.
Oh, man.
You got it on the brain.
No, there's just like, it's.
There's no J. Jonas Cockeroo is what you're saying.
There's no Cockeroo yet.
Just say J. Jonas Cockeroo.
But hopefully fingers crossed.
Say J. Jonas Cockeroo.
I'm not going to say J. Jonas.
There's no J. Jonas Cockeroo.
There's no J. Jonas Cockeroo.
So there's no Cockeroo in it yet.
But fingers crossed there will be.
Do you think there will ever be some Simon Spie Cockeroo?
Oh, my God.
How about Big Jim and the Twins?
Oh.
Oh, God, I hate talking about this with you guys.
But you know I used to go to like my friends used to throw parties at gay bars and they were just for gay men.
And but I liked being in the corner and watching them just kind of dance.
And it was always fun.
This is making me sound like such a perv.
Are you a creep?
I am a creep.
I don't know what it is about two dudes getting it on, but it's like they have like hard, tight bars.
Can I ask you a question?
And this is these are I think I'm doing a good job keeping this serious.
Yeah, I veered off with J. Jonas Cockeroo, but I held back when I did.
I didn't say Hezekiah H. Cockeroo.
Here's my question.
What do you want to see Conan and I do?
Nothing.
Are you equally turned on by a really good looking hard bodied man and woman doing it?
Or would you prefer to watch two guys doing it?
That's a good question.
Oh, I know.
Let me ponder for a second.
I think... Is the woman a distraction to you?
Do you like...
Two guys because it's two of what you like to see.
I think that it's part of it is because it's it's taboo.
It's not it's not OK.
So they have to be secret about it.
If a guy and a girl are doing it and it's like secret, like we shouldn't be doing, is that's that?
That's good for me too.
I'll take that, too.
Right.
But I like that.
It's like, oh, no, we're hockey players.
We shouldn't do it.
But let's do it.
Is that how they talk?
Oh, no.
We're hockey players.
We shouldn't be doing it.
Well, time to get back on the ice.
Oh, no.
A hat trick.
He says hat trick in one of the episodes.
Does he say hat trick?
Yeah, they say it.
You mean because he finished three times?
Oh, no, because he did a hat trick in a hockey game.
Don't act like that was a serious question.
You said, no, I'm being serious.
No, you weren't.
Yes, I was.
No.
What's a hat trick when you're doing it?
Like you jizz three times?
Oh.
Three-timer jizz fest.
I don't think they've ever...
Have people said that in relation to- I have no idea.
Then shut up.
What the hell is he talking about?
Maybe it's they finish in a hat.
Oh, nice.
I just wanted to say Sona and I were talking about heated rivalry earlier and you kept making the point.
I'm not the audience for this show.
I'm not the audience for this show.
And then I said, but gigolos is like probably your favorite show of all time.
You're exactly the audience.
It's not my favorite show of all time, but I love gigolos.
But gigolos is men with women.
OK.
Yeah.
No.
The point is that she.
Listen, Sona is on record from the day I met you as liking to you enjoy a naked male body.
Yeah.
But here's what's interesting to me.
And I want to get specific here.
I get the sense that you like to see a man's naked butt.
But you're you're not.
And maybe this is true of all women.
The, the J Jonas or the Kylie has a you've already.
No no, the kylie t cockaroo is not as essential, like that's not a part that women visually are as interested in.
Is that correct or am i wrong?
I, that is actually very off.
My experience of you know, and this is back in the days when i was single, but i, would you know, walk in and i had my pants were off, and women would say oh, my god, no one needs to see that um, And I would say oh, I guess male genitalia is something that's not attracted to women.
And then they would always say, no.
If I'm with a guy for the first time, I love seeing their genitalia.
In this particular instance, I want to cone vomit into a sieve and watch the juices drain out amidst the peas, the carrots and the little undigested marshmallows of Lucky Charms.
But that's just me talking from my experience.
Is that what you've experienced as a woman?
Oh, my God.
No.
Remember that time we were on the road and you were helping me out and I was taking a shower and you thought I didn't know when he was there and I stepped out and you saw me and you said Jesus, fucking Christ.
This is a quote from you.
That ain't no cock.
And then you said, what happened, bro?
You in the war?
Remember that?
Farm accident?
Yeah.
Remember that?
No, and I think, just to clarify, I've never seen you get out of the shower.
Yes, that was a joke.
That was sort of an image to kind of amuse the listener.
Sure.
But nothing based in fact.
But let's get this straight.
Seeing a bunch of butts, male butts, fine.
Hard bodies are good.
But you don't need to see stuff swinging around.
I could do hard bodies.
You know, if it's well lit, I don't mind it.
What does that mean?
You know, if it's like...
You mean tastefully lit as opposed to bright neon lights.
Well also, you know, back in the day I remember we did a segment and we kind of gave out this fake email address for me.
But then they actually made it an email address.
And then I checked it a few times.
Me and a few people checked it.
And there were quite a few dick pics in there that people had sent.
Yeah.
But they were all asking for medical advice.
To be fair.
Yeah.
And we're like, no, no, no, that's cystic.
That's just a cyst.
Some are missing posters.
Have you seen this dick?
You know, when a cock goes missing, it's heartbreaking.
Yeah.
Sometimes the cock shows up later on and it's grown up.
Oh, God.
Has a new name.
Yeah.
I don't need those.
You don't need it, right?
But if it pops up on heated rivalry, I will happily accept it into my life.
I'm just asking this from my own personal edification.
What is good lighting for a penis?
Well, I think for, say, a man my age, what lighting would help it?
No lighting.
Well, that's what I'm thinking.
Yeah, just complete pitch darkness.
Yeah.
I think is a good way to do it.
Yeah.
And then just send a picture of a black screen and don't take a picture of anything.
Pitch black lighting, but then hand them none of those night vision goggles.
Like Silence of the Lambs.
She's going to be terrified.
Yeah.
And there's a...
A weird Irish penis wandering around in the dark.
I'm going to get you.
I'm going to get you.
Wait, why is it speaking?
I'm going to get you.
I'm going to get you.
Adam, you look squeamish.
What's wrong?
I think this is some of our best stuff yet, and you look like you just got off a Twilta Whirl.
I'm enjoying it quite a bit.
I don't think you are.
I'm loving it.
Is nobody else watching?
None of you are even slightly curious about the show everyone's talking about?
I guess I'm bi-curious.
Okay.
No, no, I haven't heard of it.
I don't know anything about it.
All right.
I don't know if I believe you.
Well, I mean, I would proudly tell you I've been watching and that I loves me some butts, but I don't know anything about it.
How big is this thing, Blade?
Remember, you're speaking into a microphone.
You have your mouth over it like you're bringing it to climax.
Just settle down.
You know, that's not a Hezekiah H. cockaroo.
Just remember, and then speak in the way you would if you weren't yelling at a plane at an airport.
Go.
It is a cultural phenomenon.
And I will say it's based on a series of books.
And I really want to check out the books.
I'm a big reader.
You know what?
You took our most erotic talk yet and completely de-jizzed it.
You just... You know what?
I got to tell you something.
I got to tell you something.
People are talking about it.
You know what?
I'd like to read it in book form.
I'm just saying.
I just watch it for the articles.
If the book comes first, it's usually better.
And I think if the book... Boo.
Boo.
No, I'm being serious.
Yeah, yeah.
That's the sad part.
Okay.
Settle down, you guys.
You know what?
This conversation has been atrocious.
And I blame all of you.
At least I tried to elevate it by giving various penis references, wonderful old 19th century names.
Eustace P.
All right.
My guest today is an extremely talented actress who has starred in such TV series as The Good Place, Barry and Broad City.
I'm delighted.
I'm delighted she is with us today.
She's a friend.
She's hilarious.
She's so talented.
Darcy Carden, welcome.
I'm going to just say it out front.
Darcy's one of my favorite people.
And, you know, I love you to death and you're one of my favorite people.
And we've said this before, but I met you long before the world knew about Darcy Carden.
I met you when you were a receptionist.
Yeah.
At some business.
And I came in and.
And Conan to the hell up.
Yeah, I was so Conan-y with you because I was like, this woman behind the desk is really funny.
And they kept calling me in like, Conan, you need to come in.
Conan, check out these rug samples.
Yeah, rug samples and these architectural drawings.
And I'm like, I'll be right there with you.
I've got to talk to this receptionist first.
Now, listen here.
We've got to solve this crime, see?
And I'm like, he's doing it.
He's doing the crime.
The thing that I love.
He's as sick as I thought he was.
But I'm so happy you're here.
And as I said, I just needed that shot of the Darcy Carden energy.
I love you and I love you guys.
It's so fun to be here.
I was telling you, I was on a plane this morning.
That would usually deter me from being on camera and being in front of people.
I'm like, oh, you know, take the day off or whatever.
But when I heard this was the day, I was like, yeah, I'm going to be there.
Because this is not- This is not work.
I don't feel compelled, that's true.
No, no, no.
But I feel, I'm so happy to be here.
The last time we did this in here, where was it?
It was pre-COVID.
Were we at- Yes, we were at- Earwolf, I think.
Earwolf, yeah, yeah.
Earwolf Studios.
Yeah, we did it right before COVID.
And then it came out during COVID.
Some say we started COVID.
No, a lot of people say that.
I remember you sneezed.
And I used a crudely made fan to push it out the window.
And then other people started sneezing.
I know.
Yeah.
And then we blamed China.
I remember that.
Oh, fuck.
Oh, fuck, she said.
Oh, fuck, she said.
You covered up my gaffe, Sona.
Oh, fuck.
The resonance on that.
That was gorgeous.
Yeah.
I'm so curious about so many things.
First of all, I know you grew up in the Bay Area.
And here's the question I always have.
Why don't we all go live in the Bay Area?
That's a great question.
Because I'm from Boston.
I like LA a lot.
Right.
But I'm always wishing, I like LA, but I wish it was kind of misty.
And I wish it was cold at night.
I wish it rained.
I wish it had some architecture that went a little further back than I think the oldest structure in Los Angeles is from 1991.
And so there is a place like that.
San Francisco is kind of a Boston sort of without that accent.
I know.
It's so great there.
And then all the all the little cities around it, Berkeley and Oakland and Alameda.
And it's it's really my husband, Jason, my husband.
He says hello to everybody.
First of all, major man crush on your husband.
The feeling is huge.
That is a funny, good-looking fella.
He is cute.
He remains cute.
All right.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, fuck.
I totally get.
Oh, fuck.
Sona, take it easy.
Yeah.
Fuck yeah, Darcy's husband.
What's his name?
Jason.
Jason.
And whenever we're up there visiting my family, we did this a few months ago.
We were in San Francisco and we were driving through the streets and we were like No, but could we just live here?
Yes.
I think the same thing sometimes because they also have Dr. Seuss trees.
Yeah.
They have really good food.
It's beautiful.
And it's beautiful.
And the times I've had to go up there recently for different work things.
I'll be in the Bay Area and I'll start to think the same thing.
Like, why don't we just move this whole project up to the Bay Area?
I could get those tech bro things.
Vests.
Yeah.
And then we could have a startup that fails miserably, but walk around and say we're tech bros.
The dream.
The dream.
You think you could be a tech bro?
No, no.
I mean, I'm going to dress as a tech bro and I'm going to have the hubris.
Yes.
And I'm going to have, I'm going to be a Dickie tech bro, but know nothing about tech.
Yes.
People are going to see me struggling to just make a phone call on my phone, but I'm going to say I'm working on something called Comitech, you know.
A billion shares.
A billion shares.
Yeah, and you're going to be my vice president of sales and Gourley's going to be the Lord High Emperor.
No, I've already quit.
Thank you, though.
Thank you.
No, I just made up the scenario in my head, and you're out?
No, I'm out looking at the View to a Kill filming locations.
Oh, my God.
Okay, well, anyway, we would have a really good time, and Sony, you'd come too.
I mean, I think you'd like it there.
I love San Francisco, but the weather is actually a deal breaker for me.
Listen, I know San Francisco municipal government might be interested in giving us an incentive, like a huge tax break or giving us homes, because this is a sizable operation, isn't it, Adam?
Okay, I'm back in.
It's a very sizable operation.
This is a sizable operation.
I am willing to move to the Bay Area.
No offense, LA, I love you, but I want to wear a tech bro vest.
Yeah.
And it's the only place you can get them.
It's true.
You know what?
I've tried to buy them other.
I tried to buy one.
I think I was in Cleveland and they were like, this is not San Francisco.
They got really mad at me.
It is funny.
I mean, growing up in the Bay Area in the 90s, it wasn't tech bro land.
Although maybe, I mean, I'm sure it was becoming that because I guess that's my Apple, Microsoft.
Was that there?
Old school Silicon Valley.
No, Microsoft is Seattle.
Seattle.
Yeah.
But Apple.
But Apple was there.
Cupertino.
Cupertino.
Yeah.
Yeah, but it was, God, I loved growing up in the Bay Area and almost my whole family is still there.
So we're there all the time.
I'll be there for Christmas.
Wait a minute, would you, and be honest here, let's say we did move up there.
Would you cohabit?
Would you live with in an apartment, a fairly small apartment?
Would you and Jason live with me and Liza?
Yeah, we would.
Okay.
No, we would.
We would.
You don't want to think about it?
No, we would.
And what I'm talking about is a bunk bed with four beds, like the Three Stooges have.
So look, husband and wives are not even sleeping together.
Well, no.
Once you've been married for two years.
No, anyway, you know, it's two months.
No, I'm kidding.
But no, I just would love it if we live together.
And then in the morning and whoever's up towards the top, there's a pole and you get to slide down.
I go, here I go.
Here I come.
And I go, whoo!
And Liza, who's left by that point.
Yeah.
Because she's like, Gorley has said, I'm out.
Yeah, Liza and I are living together at this point.
Sorry.
In a different bunk bed.
In San Francisco?
No, we found our own city, but it's undisclosed.
Yeah.
I love Liza.
Yeah.
Yeah, we love Liza.
So do I. That's okay.
I like this riff.
Maybe it's not a riff.
I'm sorry.
As Sona often says to me, Liza's the only part of you I like.
My favorite thing about you.
She's pretty special.
But I just am fascinated with you, Bay Area.
Yeah.
And then you turned out so funny.
I'm thinking is this something that's in the water, or is this more of a situation, like?
I mean, I never know what this comes from.
I know.
Well, I think it's...
Thank you for saying I'm funny.
I think it's... Well, we're taking that part out.
Okay.
So this will make no sense.
I think it stems back from... It is from family.
So I don't know if that's... I don't think that's Bay Area specific, but it's like keeping up with funny aunts and uncles.
Yes.
Oh my God, did that feel good.
You know what I mean?
Making the funniest uncle laugh.
Making adults laugh.
Yes.
You feel like you you're Robert Redford, the natural hitting the lights and they explode.
It's the same thing.
It is the same thing.
I know when I had different types of I'm really like my aunts and uncles were very funny, are very funny.
And it was different types of comedy.
And I feel like I learned a lot of different types of ways to be funny from them.
And they yeah, making and making my uncle Mike laugh.
Holy shit.
Did that feel good?
Still does.
Oh my God.
So then at some point you've got, you must be a theater kid.
Theater kid started doing plays when I was like nine and that was kind of game over.
Isn't that weird?
That's too young to know that.
But I really was like, this is it.
This is why I've, this is why I'm here.
Right.
I gotta be on stage.
I gotta be doing plays.
I gotta be doing just whatever, whatever community theater play is, is, is up next.
I'm in it.
And that led me to, you know, majoring in theater in college.
And it was really just so tunnel vision to theater, theater, theater.
Are you doing musical theater?
Yeah, musical theater.
What kind of shows are we talking about?
We're talking about... Okay, let's start with... We got Guys and Dolls.
We got Little Abner.
We got Cabaret.
We got an original musical called Let's Go to the Movies.
And yeah, Let's Go to the Movies 2.
Oh, wow.
Was this written by someone at the school?
It was written by like a childhood friend that i did theater with, but when we were in our 20s oh lovely yeah, it was one of those plays that it was in like it was in a community theater in the bay area and we were like well, this is the best thing.
So many of the plays are like this, where you're like i think this is actually the best play that's ever been in this theater and then, with a few years removed, you're like oh, that that was dog shit.
That might have been dog shit, but at the time you know it feels great And you were in.
I think you were in Good Man, Charlie Brown.
Oh my God, Conan?
I mean, obviously you just Googled something, but that was cool.
No, I didn't Google that.
He was at the production.
I do not.
I was there.
I was a scout.
Oh my God.
That kid's going places.
Sir, you have to leave.
Sir, why are you here?
She's nine.
You're under arrest.
I want her on my podcast.
What's a podcast?
You'll find out.
You'll find out.
Now back to the future.
Your tech bro vest is on fire.
I know.
That's the company I'm going to start.
Time travel.
Yeah, that was my first.
That was my first.
And who were you?
I was Lucy.
Oh, that's okay.
That's cool.
And that's such a, you know, that's when that, yeah, good gig.
I got paid in absolute nothing.
Right.
Because it was a school play.
Yeah, but Lucy.
And that was like, you try something that you want to do and then they say, good job.
And then that's it.
For me, I just need a little bit of this and then I'm like, okay.
That's the dopamine.
Yeah, that's the dopamine.
I remember so much about that show.
I was nine years old.
I remember my grandpa had just had surgery to have a leg removed.
Was this cosmetic?
This thing's in the way.
Why two?
Why two?
I wonder it all the time.
I know.
Everyone in this room has that.
Anyway, but he came to the play in a wheelchair and he and my grandma came in a limo, like an 80s style limo, because that was kind of the only thing that he could get in.
Anyway, i remember that so clearly and it's all.
How could you forget?
I know, i know and um, i remember my parents and my grandma and my grandpa being in a place where i could see them and i was singing a solo.
I was saying the wrong part.
I looked at the piano player for help and she gave me the next line and i and in front of everybody, i went, i already said that part and everybody laughed and it was a bit of a moment, Oh good.
So you turned around.
It was very lucid.
So it went well.
It didn't go badly.
It didn't go badly.
I mean, it was like, I wasn't trying to be funny.
I thought it went badly and your grandfather stood up.
Your grandfather shouted.
You were about to say stood.
Your grandfather shouted.
Your grandfather was hooked to his one foot and shouted this is the worst thing that's happened to me in memory.
Well, I'm glad I took his malady into my joy.
I want to tell you another story about my grandpa and losing his leg.
I remember when my mom told me that this was going to happen.
Grandpa had surgery and they had to remove his leg.
I remember going to visit him at the hospital.
And and OK, so if your grandpa.
Yeah.
You're in the bed in the hospital bed.
Yeah.
And she was like, don't mention it.
Guys, kids, don't mention it.
He doesn't know.
You know what I mean?
Just be happy.
Maybe sing a Christmas carol or something like that.
Just like keep it happy.
And I just remember, like if this is the way your body would be.
I remember like standing on his bedside and kind of staring at his face and just being like
And you put your hand down where the leg would be.
Just to sort of be like, yeah, it's gone.
It's definitely gone.
There's no leg there.
Did it ever come up after that?
Did you ever bring it up?
Well, he died.
I knew it.
And that's going to happen with grandpas.
I know.
Well, they all die eventually, but was it the loss of the leg?
I think it was pretty soon after that.
But not related to the thing I've been joking about.
That would make me feel bad.
I want an autopsy.
I'm a guy who hires forensic scientists to do autopsies just to make sure the thing I was joking about was not the thing that killed them.
That's a new crime show that I do.
But not the thing I was joking about, right?
That's so funny.
My grandpa had one leg, too.
For his whole time being your grandpa?
Well, no, he, yeah, for the whole time being my grandpa.
So I never got to do the whole, like, coming to the hospital and seeing one leg missing.
Got to?
I'm sorry.
I never got to go to the circus or see my newly legless grandpa.
No, I'm sorry.
She made it sound so good.
Yeah, you kind of were bragging.
It was kind of a brag.
You were like, I was there when it was a fresh wound.
I can't believe I had grandparents that both had their legs.
So to you, grandpas just had one leg.
Yeah, yeah.
I just thought that's how grandpas were.
But they have two.
Right.
Some have two.
Some do have one.
Some have none.
That's true.
Which leads us to Conan's movie.
Yeah. which I haven't seen yet.
So let's not talk about it.
Okay.
But I can't wait to see it.
If I had legs, I'd kick you.
Yeah.
You know, I think there was this miraculous thing.
I didn't know this, but I love trying to figure out the story of people who I really adore, and how did they come to be?
Because this I refuse to believe that there's a world where you would not have risen from to fame.
I do think that it's inevitable if you have your abilities and your personality.
So all of that was going to happen, but what was interesting to me is always how it happened.
I didn't realize it was Broad City.
Yeah, I came up at the Upper Citizens Brigade with Abby and Alana.
So I knew them.
And Paul and Lucia.
I should say last names Abby Jacobson, Alana Glazer, Paul W Downs, Lucia and Yellow.
Paul and Lucia do Hacks, but they were also writers and directors on Broad City.
So those were my people coming up at UCB.
Those were like in line to audition for the team with them and, you know.
Sure.
Did that sentence make sense?
It did.
It does.
And then when the show got picked up, they had to really rework the pilot and I got cut out of it.
And they put me in another, gave me a different role in another episode.
That's cool.
They just kept putting me in it.
And I was probably only in like one or two episodes a season, but it really did change my life.
And when I auditioned for The Good Place at my test, where it's like down to you and the other person.
Mm-hmm.
When I walked in, an episode of Broad City had aired the night before and Drew Goddard and Mike Schur were talking about it.
They were like, oh, it's such a funny this, that with this thing you did.
And I was like, oh, that's such a great ramp in.
Yes.
They already like you.
Yes.
And they've already seen you do good work.
Exactly. when they're auditioning you for The Good Place.
Exactly.
So I just, like, all the nerves were shed.
And I, you know, they built me up before an audition that I feel like I got in.
I feel like I got that role in that audition.
Does this, I don't want this to sound cocky at all, but I felt really prepared.
That's very cocky.
It is.
Yeah.
I mean, I just said you had done all this work.
And then I kind of repeated.
And then you said, you know what I think?
I think I was really well prepared.
Yeah.
And that turned everybody against me, huh?
Yeah.
There's a chill in the room.
I can see my breath now.
She just, she's cocky.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't like a cocky woman.
But you had said, this sounds cocky, but I think I'm the greatest performer that ever lived.
Right.
Yeah.
No, I just, it was, I think, you know, getting, I keep losing, I keep feeling, yeah, there it is.
There, it's you.
I've been feeling you.
That happens all the time.
What's that?
Your hair came off?
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm going to leave it in here for the next person.
I'm going to plant this on a crime scene.
Okay.
A strange murder in Catalina has been solved.
Darcy Carden has been arrested.
An orange woman was seen fleeing.
This is reminding me of something that I really do feel like you will understand, because you're like me with this.
Anything for the laugh.
My niece clover, who's four now when she was a baby before she was even one her hair was starting to get a little bit long and she had like this tiny little like knotty, just a little knot in the back of her head that they couldn't.
They couldn't brush out.
So they said let's cut it.
It was going to be her first little haircut, so we cut it and i took it and i ate it yes, And they laughed.
I made my sister laugh and my husband laugh and my brother-in-law laugh.
I feel like he would have done it.
But did you really?
I really ate it.
No.
It was so tiny.
Oh.
And I love her so much.
And you love hair.
And I love to eat hair.
I just want any reason to eat hair.
And this was a great one.
But she's so little.
But you didn't get sick or anything.
No, she's a baby and she's gorgeous.
She has perfectly fine, gorgeous little.
I've seen you at club gymnastics there with my daughter.
You know her.
Yes.
You know I ate Clover's hair.
Yes.
You know Clover.
And I ate her hair.
She has beautiful hair.
It is really funny to eat something you're not supposed to eat.
It really is.
And kids love it.
Yes, it really is.
But if I need to really get a kid, I... That sounds awful.
But...
But I really need to make a kid laugh.
I really need to get this kid.
Now, when I have to get a kid, that's a whole other thing.
No, I really need to get this kid.
You need the van.
Anyway, it's been three weeks.
No, they love it if you're like, they love it if you're, you know, if you have a TV remote.
Oh, God damn it.
I'm miming a television remote.
You freak.
Monsters.
I really need to get this kid.
I need to get this kid.
You know, if you're miming a TV remote.
Yeah.
No, if you have a TV remote in your hand and then you're talking to a kid and you go, mmm delicious, and you lick it nine out of ten times you've got it.
Oh, I'm going to use that.
And I'm going to take credit for it.
I'm not going to say it.
Well, I tried registering that with the Writers Guild.
They told me to screw off.
I'll tell my little niece, I'll say, that came from Conan's brain.
And she'll go, who?
Who?
God damn it, that brought me down.
You got to get to that generation.
She's four.
No, I'm the same thing.
I immediately become a child.
When Sona's kids who are four, when her twins come running into the building, I immediately all work stops and I'm chasing them.
Then they're chasing me.
Then I'm saying, if I see they've got chips, bags of chips, it's a good thing.
No one took my chip.
Whoa.
And then they're running around.
And so then you usually take them away because, you know, they're not going to sleep for two days.
But I also know I'm not going to sleep for two days.
But you feel so good.
It feels great.
Getting a laugh from a kid.
It works both ways.
When you're a kid, making an adult laugh is the best thing in the world.
When you're an adult, making a kid laugh is the best thing in the world.
You're so right, because both of them are not a guarantee at all.
Not getting a laugh from a kid is fucking humiliating.
Oh, I've been there.
Yeah.
Sure.
Trying hard.
And then I'm mad.
Yes.
Embarrassed.
Trying harder.
Right.
Still failing.
Yeah.
That's hell.
That's hell.
Okay.
You've seen my work.
Yeah, that's, I think I've mentioned this before, but worth retelling.
Please.
Briefly, a good friend of mine, Mike Castagnolo and I, who were at the Groundlings together.
Someone saw us and said you two are really funny together.
Would you show up at my kid's party?
And we said, sure.
And we dressed up as minstrels and showed up at this kid's party with guitars.
Bombed like I've never bombed in my life.
It was in a park in Santa Monica.
These kids hated us.
What?
Oh, my God.
And until the mom made us tag out.
Okay.
The mom was like, you should just go.
Oh, that's even worse.
It was Mike and I walking back to our cars with our guitars dressed as jesters.
Right.
Oh.
And that hurts as much as anything is hurt in show business.
I bet that's really true.
I don't even think you're exaggerating.
It is true.
Everything is exactly.
No.
That's what happened.
Yeah.
That is what happened.
And it was awful.
And the feeling is the same as bombing in front of.
In a way, it's kind of worse because you feel like kids are seeing the real you, you know?
I think we just saw the real you.
No, I'm being honest.
But what does that reveal?
When a kid is looking you in the eyes and not buying it, you think they have x-ray vision and they can see, like to your bones.
Right.
And not that they're going like, you suck.
But they're just kind of looking at you like, hmm.
Yeah.
No.
Because they're pure honesty.
Yeah.
No reason to hide anything.
Yeah.
They don't care.
You know I mean.
Now, one of the things I like about making a kid laugh is they don't know.
Oh, he's done many series and he's a body of work.
So I should laugh now.
Right.
Right.
There's none of that.
Right.
They don't care.
Who is this?
Yeah.
And that all enrages me.
One of the things that fascinated me about The Good Place was how much clearly Mike Schur was interested in ethics and what's ethical.
And I can just contrast that with some of the things that are happening in the world today and in the news.
Were you raised with any religion?
I was raised Episcopalian, which is a pretty easy one.
Yeah.
Liza's an Episcopalian.
Yeah.
And it's like, cool, you don't have to show up anywhere.
Does that feel like to you that that's cheating a little bit?
Yeah, I can tell in his face.
He's like, oh, Episcopalian, I'm judging you.
It's just, no, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Episcopalians.
Yes.
No.
Do you know what I mean?
Show up.
Don't show up.
It's all good.
You seem like a good person.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was easy.
Yeah.
It was more about like, like, I like hanging out with my friends at this church and eating cookies.
When I was getting married, I had to get married in the Catholic church.
It's just, I mean, when I say have to, I mean I'm not going to call my mom and my dad and say, by the way, it's going to be at a church call.
It's not going to be a church.
It's going to be on the beach at groovy point.
Right.
Bring some sunblock and some good vibes.
So we were married in a Catholic cathedral in Seattle.
But I remember Liza's family was like, okay, if that's what you want, like, we'll go to that.
But this, did Liza feel like she was like performing wedding music?
Yeah, I think she was doing me a major solid because she knew how much it meant to my parents.
My dad really wanted us to get married in a church as well.
And we had to have sort of like a, not hard conversation because we were Episcopalian.
So it's not that big of a deal.
But he just was, it couldn't quite, why wouldn't you?
Why wouldn't you?
Of course, that's what you do.
And I didn't want that feeling of like sort of pretending to you know playing playing, getting married, which I think I would have felt like if I got married in a big church.
I was, I just remembered this because I was just back in Seattle.
I passed that cathedral where I got married in 2002.
And I went in and I had this very immediate memory of I had been good future son-in-law the whole time I was engaged.
Just you know, good boyfriend, the good you know, I'll pick up that tab and just nice to everybody.
And because I just wanted to make sure this deal went through.
Yeah.
Don't screw up the deal.
I don't want to screw up this.
No.
Got to lock it up.
Yeah.
You know, Liza, I had to lock this up.
So can't let this not happen.
There was one member of her family who is very religious and she had, I think, 10.
Two legs?
Oh.
Yeah, she had two.
She had three legs because she got your grandfather's leg.
Yeah.
It's messed up.
It's not messed up.
It's not messed up.
It's not messed up.
It's not messed up.
Yeah.
It's actually really normal.
It's actually really normal.
That's what happens when someone loses a leg, it goes to someone else.
It goes somewhere else.
Yeah.
Yeah.
She had three and she could only walk in circles.
Anywho.
Yeah.
Sorry.
We're really on.
This is good.
No, this is great.
You know what?
I just checked my machine.
We haven't gone too far.
So anyway, she's very a religious member of her family who at one point in the service which was really long because it's a Catholic mass plus a lot of other stuff
She read, I think she read like 10 blessings or she was going to read 10 blessings.
So it's all the stress.
Yeah, of the wedding day and it's a really long wedding and a lot of people came and saying hi to everybody and then going back and they took pictures after the wedding in front of everybody.
And I'm feeling that pressure and I'm really like a wire that's been pulled thin.
And this religious member of her family came up to me after the ceremony and now it's finally my chance to be able to go and have a glass of wine, sit down with Liza, just chill for a second, and she grabs my arm and she says you know what?
I read nine of the blessings, but then the priest started up again and I didn't get to read the 10th.
Could you stop everybody and say the 10th blessing?
And suddenly real Conan showed up for the first time in two years.
And I said, I think there's been enough Jesus for one day.
And I went to my table and, like, downed a glass of wine.
Hell, yes.
And she was like, what?
And Liza gave her a look like, yeah, there's that guy, too.
Like, there's both.
You know, Eddie Haskell went away.
Like, oh, gee, Mr. Cleaver, it's so nice to see you.
That went away.
I think there's been enough Jesus for one day.
Yeah.
Turned and walked.
Goodbye.
And then gulp, gulp, gulp.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
And Liza's like, oh, he's in our family now.
Yeah, yeah.
That guy.
And by the way, I knew I had the ring.
We're done.
Deal done.
Locked it in.
Yeah.
Mic drop.
So anyway, I was just curious, because in my upbringing, the ethics are real simple.
God is always watching and sees everything.
Don't ever do anything that you're not cool with God seeing.
That's a very literal interpretation, but when you're a kid, that's what you think is the case.
And I took everything very literally when I was a kid, and they told me once—
They were talking about heaven.
And this is a nun because I had to go to After regular school.
We had to go to this place called the Cynical and be taught by nuns about Catholic instruction.
No, every Monday night.
And I would go to this place and nuns with the whole habit and everything are teaching and they're writing on the board about Jesus and the religion and the Holy Spirit.
And at one point she was talking about heaven and I said, what is heaven?
And she said, what's your favorite thing to do?
And I said, color in my coloring book.
And she said, well, you do that for all eternity.
And I looked at a camera that wasn't there and went, as Sona would say, fuck.
I was like, that sounds, I mean, I like to color in my coloring book.
You sort of saw the scope of like forever?
I just saw the scope of, I mean, I like it, but all eternity.
I also like riding my bike.
Yeah.
No.
No.
Coloring in your coloring book forever.
God watching.
Don't go outside the lines.
And that's the thing is like that nun said that and you held on to that for probably so long.
I'm still thinking I just talked about it.
Exactly.
Yeah.
I would fall asleep saying the Lord's Prayer as many times as I could, because I felt I made up a system that for every one time I said it, that like erases one bad thing I did that day.
That's a rosary bead.
Yeah, that's true.
Rosary beads are basically rosary beads are hail.
You know, these beads are our, our father's, Lord's Prayer, and these beads are Hail Mary's and you work your way through them and they, you know you say the prayer and that erases something bad you did.
I don't know if it's in one-to-one deletes, but if you work your way through the rosary yes, that's like.
Well, I entered all the information.
I just filled out all these forms and now I get this credit.
That's insane.
But you realize that so many religions are do this and you'll be okay.
And the Vatican had a list of amounts of money you could pay to get out of certain sins.
That was a regular part of the Catholic Church.
Could I see that list?
You can't afford it, buddy.
You'll never get out of your own hell.
You don't know what my sins are.
They're tiny.
I know.
No, that was a thing, I think, called selling indulgences.
I don't know how I just came up with that.
Your brain's big.
Yeah, just crazy stuff I can whip out.
Selling indulgences.
I think was yeah, medieval Catholic church where they could say oh, for 100000 in gold you get to go to heaven.
Here's your piece of paper.
Show this when you get to the pearly gates.
I think that's why there was such a big backlash with Martin Luther and this whole reform movement of we gotta clean that stuff up.
But going back to Tech Bros, I think somebody is going to do this again.
I think someone's gonna come up with a program.
Something that they say if you can give us this many quark bits, then that will translate into eternal peace.
Quark bits.
Anything humanity has done, we might do again.
And we probably will.
There's a new religion.
What's that?
It's a new religion.
Like someone's coming in.
I'm just positing that someone could say that it would probably the fact.
I'm sure there is a religion that will require us to just do this.
You know what I mean?
Oh, I see that all the time.
Yeah.
I'm out and about and I see things.
Oh, interesting.
You know what I've noticed?
Speaking of being out and about and seeing things.
I'm doing a lot of walking these days, trying to get my steps in.
Yes.
And I have noticed that people go on walks and look at their phones the entire time.
And I mean, watch things on their phone as they're walking.
Like people are walking and not just like, you know, in like from store to store.
I mean, like going on a hike, going on a walk there, their head is down.
And they're scrolling or they're watching.
They're looking at nature scenes while they're walking through nature.
When I walk my dog, because it's so boring.
Stop doing that.
Because she stops.
But you have to stop.
You have to stop.
I know.
Now I leave my phone at home, which is bad because what if I like trip and fall?
You could put a little earpiece in and listen to some music if you need something to take the edge off nature.
But try not to do that because...
I mean, I see people on bicycles.
I know there are people on motorcycles that are listening to their tunes.
And I think that's insane.
And the big thing is yesterday I was side to side with someone in her car and I noticed she was driving, was a little funky, completely down looking at her phone while she's driving.
I don't do that.
But walking, I have to stop.
God's watching.
Yeah, God's watching.
God's watching all the time.
If you pay me $100,000 right now, I'll handle that.
But God is watching it.
He knows what phones are.
No, God can see through your phone.
Oh, man.
He's watching you.
God hacked your phone.
He's on the other side of the screen.
God illegally went through Apple.
No, but you agreed to it.
You signed something that said it was okay.
When you take God to court, he's going to be like, read the fine print.
Did you read the fine print?
Or a woman.
Read the fine print.
Yeah, a doctor can also be a woman.
I make a noise when I see somebody doing this.
When I walk by them, I go like... Good for you.
Like a horse?
Yes.
It's not like saying like...
Hey, look up.
It's like you're coming around the corner a little.
Beep, beep.
Yeah, a little beep, beep.
I know we could talk about this forever and I know it has been spoken about over and over, but it really is mind-blowing.
Like when you are at an airport or whatever.
When you walk into a room and you see everybody with their head down, it really is like how do we get here?
Yeah, and the other thing, rock and roll music.
It's the devil's music.
It'll get in your brain.
What do we do?
Well, I think, by complaining about it And by complaining about a thing that many other people have already noticed,
That's right.
We've shown a light on something that already has a light on it.
Yeah, we do.
And we've accomplished really nothing.
Yeah.
Don't you think?
Well, back to our phones.
I know.
I don't like to yuck other people's yum either.
Have you ever heard that phrase before?
Oh, yeah.
My kids used to say, don't yuck my yum.
It's such a weird thing to say.
Yeah.
But it makes perfect sense.
Because I wouldn't let them have any liquids or water for you.
I just read an article when I was focused on my phone that said water and liquids is bad for human life.
For growing kids, yeah.
So they got very ill.
But they're doing better now.
They're much better now that they're having liquids.
And water.
Yeah.
Because that's what we're made of.
I have never been angrier with any guests than I am with you right now.
What did I do?
What didn't you do?
I know, I know.
You came in here with your Darcy Carden attitude.
Cocky, cocky.
What's that?
Cocky.
She's cocky.
You're very cocky.
She's cocky.
And you came in here and then you started to say, we need to get off our phones.
Well, that's the only joy I have in my life now is my phone.
I know.
I want to walk my dog and look at my phone.
I'm on like zero, it's 3 p.m. and I'm on 0% battery because I've been on my phone all day.
You understand?
I'm a piece of shit.
How many Conan clips were you watching?
No, no.
Who are you looking at, buddy?
Just looking around.
Okay.
There's a huge crowd cheering me right now that's in my mind.
And I like to check them out.
They're gone, Conan.
No.
Are you working with Mr. Will Fortan?
Yes.
Are you not at liberty to mention?
No, I'm liberty.
Okay.
I'm liberty.
Don't you love him?
He's fantastic.
Have you guys, you've had him on the show?
What a guy.
We did a TV show that's coming out in Australia in December, and then it'll be over here at some point.
I can't wait.
I can't wait.
It's called Sunny Nights.
We play siblings.
I'm kind of like wild card.
He's straight laced.
We get in with some bad people and we have to like, you know, find our way out.
Now can you speak normally to each other, or are you both in bit hell when the other person's in the room?
I mean, I called him the other night.
He wanted me to do this charity event with him that I wanted to do, and then some schedule thing happened.
And I called him the other night and he answered the phone like this.
He picked up and he went, hello.
And I said, Will, it's bad news.
And he goes, What's wrong with all of us?
I know, I know, I know.
I don't know.
You're all sick.
Yeah.
I was going to only, if I can find this in 10 seconds was going to play you a song that Will and I made up in the middle of the night.
I bet if the timestamp is like three in the morning in some overnight shoot and we were just trying to like keep ourselves up.
Okay, let's just see what this is.
I'm not quite sure, but I know it'll be something.
A five, six, seven, eight.
And you can hear the Australian people go, that was great.
Wait a minute, that was great.
Thank you.
That was great.
And we came up with it in, I bet that was 30 minutes of work.
Yes, of course it was.
That was waiting for the cameras to get ready.
And we were like, let's make up a song in all gibberish.
And then that's what happens.
Because also he gets really set on something and then it's happening.
Anyway, I love him like family.
I love him.
My favorite thing is yesterday Sona was standing really close to me, like her face was right here, and I just put one pen in my mouth and turned to her and went walrus, why?
And you lost it.
It's so stupid.
Yeah, but i think it was that my face was so close to hers.
Yes and no, no one should ever do that.
No one should ever declare i'm half a walrus with one tusk.
I think bits, i think doing bits is a language.
I really do, i think it's, i think it's okay i, i think i.
I guess you can overdo it if someone's not wanting, but i Oh yes, you can.
I'll tell you.
But when I say language, I mean if you speak bit, I think it's actually like love and communication.
I think it's really good.
Is that how you took it?
It is.
Yeah, because you laughed.
I was like, oh, he loves me.
Oh, that's nice.
Or he's just got a pen jammed in his mouth.
Or he's broken.
We need to take him to a hospital.
It could be either one.
He's sad.
And when he actually is hurt and has like a brain issue one day, we're not going to know.
But that's actually OK, too.
A lot of people have talked about this, which is how will we know if he's, if his mind is going?
How will we know?
But I think that's okay.
Because if his mind is going, he won't know and you won't know.
So then it's just kind of like a nice.
Except we're all talking about like this is in the future and it could have happened years ago.
I could be 15 years into a terrible.
I would put my money on that.
Marine occlusion.
Yeah.
We're all coloring books in heaven right now.
Back to my dad's quote.
Back to my dad's quote.
My dad, who was a scientist, looked at me and said, I see.
He wasn't trying to make a joke.
He said, you're being treated for something.
I'm sorry.
My dad looked at me and he's a scientist and he said I see you're making your living off something that should probably be treated.
And I was like, he's not wrong.
Oh my gosh.
Wish he hadn't said it.
Yeah.
But he's not wrong.
But he's not wrong.
Wish I didn't now know that, that that's true, actually true.
Yeah.
Yeah, dad.
Dad.
Well, let's keep that cash rolling in.
I'm half a walrus.
Huh?
Darcy Carden, you are a joy.
Try it.
I'm the other half.
Yeah.
Here's your pen back.
Thank you.
You should immediately drop your project with Will Forte and do my.
It's half.
A walrus meets the other half.
I'm so in.
Don't shake that hand.
Don't make that deal.
Don't make that deal.
Legally binding in a court of law.
Legally binding.
Better call your pa.
Okay.
Darcy Carden, absolute joy.
I love you to death.
I love you so much.
My best to your crazy, handsome, cool husband.
And my best to your crazy, handsome, cool wife.
She is handsome.
She is.
She's the alpha male.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna make you come back here again and again and again.
I can't wait.
There's nothing you can do about it.
Once a year, at least.
Yes.
Okay, great.
We're sitting here with our lawyer.
What is your official title here at Conco?
Good question.
Director of Business and Legal Affairs.
Okay, that lights up a party.
It's very exciting, I know.
So, David Melmed, good to have you here.
Good to be here.
And again, the I goes to you.
Very handsome fellow.
Thank you.
Inappropriate.
And I think we all agree.
Inappropriate.
So please, my company, I can do as I please as a lawyer.
That's what I've learned the last couple of years.
Oh wait, that's not right.
Also, you were cutting bitches left and right last time.
I know, but I'm not a lawyer guys please, the garden hose is getting all tangled and I'm a good gardener and I want to straighten it now.
Uh, Here's what's happening, okay.
It was brought to my attention very recently on a previous episode, that Netflix is bringing back Star Search.
And they have an ad that pays tribute to all the very famous superstars that got their start on Star Search.
And they show this montage of these performers like Beyonce, Britney Spears, Kevin James, performing on Star Search.
And then they cut to this animated card that shows all the people that got their start on star search.
And if you'll see where christina aguilera's name is and you drift down to the right, you see the name there.
I see conan o'brien yes, yes.
Look at the dollar signs in his eyes.
Yeah, look at me, this was netflix.
Look at me, this is.
Yes, they've been in the news lately.
Yes yes, This is Netflix.
This is Netflix, which is a German word for deep pockets.
Yes, it is.
Netflix!
Yes, it is.
So, Mr. Melmed.
Yes.
If I may call you Mr. Melmed, and I think I can.
Dan, I'm your employer, and I can do as I please.
I have no, no involvement with Star Search.
I didn't get my start on Star Search.
As Sona rightly pointed out, I have no talent that I could have brought to Star Search.
Really, I mean, honestly, no connection.
This is like saying we're going to salute the 1927 Murderer's Row Yankees.
Sure, sure.
And Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig and Conan O'Brien.
I would say, oh my God, what's happened?
That's how ridiculous this is.
And yet there's my name.
This isn't a joke.
We didn't make this up.
What do you think is happening here?
Is this the random list or is anyone on this list?
We Googled this to the best of our knowledge.
Everybody else has been verified, according to Google, as getting their start on Star Search.
And I am not mentioned on that list.
Except Conan O'Brien.
Because I have no connection to Star Search.
Never went on Star Search never went to a taping, never passed the building, have no connection to it.
I'm not offended.
I'm just curious what's going on and what is my legal position?
What can we do here and how can this benefit me?
Go.
Well, if you...
Asked me that, which you just did.
He's good.
Can I just say something?
My head is.
Can I just say something?
Yes.
That was the most useless exchange I've ever had in my life.
I know.
Unbelievable.
And I'm paying you.
You said, if you asked me that and you just did.
Yes.
Incredible.
My head is going.
My brain is trying to think of an answer.
He needs a second.
You know what?
I would say, Conan.
Well, I'm hearing you, and that's something that I'm hearing.
Thank you.
And now I hear that.
Now I don't have a computer in front of me, so I can't Google anything at this point.
No, I would say.
Look, if you're the only person on this board without that connection, I would say to you is there any?
You're feeling about it.
You don't feel damaged.
You don't feel defamed.
I do.
Oh, you do?
Yeah.
Well, just in this moment, I'm seeing which way you're going with this.
I feel very damaged and very defamed.
I'm not sure I can recover.
Well, you probably couldn't recover damages, but we could certainly... No, you're misunderstanding.
I didn't say recover damages.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not sure I can emotionally recover.
Oh, sure.
Wait.
So when your kid wanders in the room and said I fell down and I got hurt, you take it immediately to mean- I do.
You lost some financial gain?
I do.
Okay.
So honestly, you're- I would say- Child services.
Yes.
I would say practically your legal recourse would be to have your name removed.
See, I don't want that.
I love having my name up there.
That's beautiful.
But at the same time, I feel damaged.
I feel that this is a drag on my income.
I feel a loss.
I'm not sure I will be able to podcast in the near future.
And if he can't, Sona and I can't.
Yeah.
Okay, so I think what you're talking about is sort of speculative damages, right?
I think you may have a difficult time in that because it's a bit of a you know you have.
On the one hand I have no connection to this, but on the other hand I want to keep that up there.
So you are benefiting a bit from the publicity because of the names up there.
You work for me and you're arguing against me.
I would say Conan, if we were having this conversation outside of this podcast, I would probably be giving you these arguments against what you're trying to tell me that you want to do.
Okay, let me tell you something.
If I could speak to you.
You may.
And I can.
You may.
Because I have a microphone and you're in the room with me.
Yes, sure.
And we're speaking.
Yes, we are.
And if you could hear me, which you can.
Yes.
And you would hear my thoughts.
I would say this.
I think it's going to be damaging for people to my name to be taken away.
I can prove in court that my name brings people real joy, and to put it up and then take it away is going to be a wound for any of the American people who are watching Netflix.
And many people are as they should be because they may soon be my overlord.
Yes, they could.
And so I would say the name just has to stay.
Why?
Why do that?
You're just hurting people unnecessarily.
The name can stay, but I've been terribly wounded and damaged.
I see a real financial loss for me.
Not so much for Sona and Gorley.
They're fine and they shouldn't participate.
But I feel, hey, when they put your names up there, feel free to suckle at that teat.
Can we sue them to put our names on there?
Yes.
Let's sue them to put your names on there and then sue them to take them off.
And I once worked as an usher.
So could that be me?
You worked as an usher?
It's possible.
Okay.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Yeah, that's fine.
That's fine.
That works for me.
Okay.
This is what we're going to do.
Sure.
You are going to contact Netflix.
You're going to inquire as to why my name has been put up there.
You're going to insist that the name stay.
In fact, my name is on a half fade right now.
Yeah, it is.
You know, but not as faded as Drew Carey's, Rosie O'Donnell's or Leigh-Anne Rimes, or there's one that's so.
Oh, Brad Garrett should sue because his name is so faded on this.
Yes, it is.
Why even put it up?
That's a star in the sky that it looks like he And Leigh-Anne Rimes.
You know you have Leigh-Anne Rimes.
That's a bit faded.
Did you notice the shooting star is emanating from your name?
Yes.
Yes.
Look at that.
The shooting star.
Because I create stars.
Okay, because this is the thing.
Babe, clearly, this is a good point.
My name's up there.
There's a shooting star coming out of my name, which means I have so much talent that more stars are flying off of me.
You're the Big Bang of talent.
Have you ever even met Beyonce?
What are you talking about?
Why are you trying to chip away at me?
Beyonce and I are tight, so let's not even go down that road.
But I am one of her honeybees, trust me.
Are you saying you're in the beehive?
I'm saying I'm one of her honeybees.
And see, this is where you're wrong.
If you knew Beyonce the way I did, you know that when you're on the real inside, you don't say beehive.
You say, I'm one of the honeybees.
So anyway, that's not the point.
The point is, we keep the name up there.
My friendship with Beyonce continues.
Sure.
And I feel damaged.
They are selling a product with my name.
And I love it.
I pay you.
I know I don't pay you well, but you are paid to represent me.
And here you are telling me there's no case here.
They're using my name to sell.
And also, the damage has been done.
This is already out there.
And you're saying, well, they could take it down.
I don't really see a case here.
No, I didn't say you didn't have a case.
I said, we have to decide where you feel damaged and what how, what we can prove of what your damages are.
For example, if you said I can't do this show anymore, then are you going to stop doing this podcast for the next X amount of months?
If you're saying that, you know, I was so just disheartened.
I went to therapy for six months.
I couldn't get this out of my head.
If your name and likeness, I've heard someone's hosting, again, the Oscars this year, right?
You're like, I can't do it.
This is embarrassing, I can't do it.
You have to prove your damages.
You could say to me, I'm damaged by this, but how?
I can't feel my legs.
I have no feeling in my legs.
You don't get it.
From the pelvis down.
I have a question.
You know what I would say?
I can't use my legs.
I would say after this, we're going to go to the doctor and we're going to get that checked out.
I know the doctor too.
His name is Dr. Arroyo.
Perfect.
Oh, man.
I will show up.
You know what I do?
I want to show up at Netflix with Dr. Arroyo in a wheelchair.
Say, you put my name up as one of the people that got started on Star Search and I can't feel my legs.
And then Dr Arroyo will prove that by driving a stake through one of my legs and I will remain motionless.
Is Dr. Arroyo in the wheelchair?
No, but you know what?
Maybe just for good measure, we'll both be in wheelchairs.
I have a question.
And I'll say this is my doctor who's so upset about what happened to me he can't feel his legs either.
Is there any danger that Netflix could counter Sue saying that was a mistake and his name is hurting our brand?
So you're saying that Netflix would come back and say we made the mistake here and it's hurting our brand.
What he's saying and I should be insulted about what you just said, but I actually think I'm a fair person.
You might be onto something which is by putting Netflix could say we're countersuing because this was a mistake.
The computer accidentally took his name from the Mark Twain award.
You know Mark Twain prize that was on Netflix earlier this year.
And somehow it got up there and and it is damaged our show because people love Beyonce.
They love Britney Spears.
They love Dave Chappelle.
And then they saw Conan O'Brien and it's destroying us.
And it's destroying Beyonce and Christina Aguilera because they're closest to your name.
So they can also sue.
I'm a black hole sucking the other stars and their light into... Sucking the other stars.
The question is, who would they be soon, right?
Let's say they hired a production company to run this.
So they couldn't go after Conan, right?
If he really had no knowledge that this was happening, right?
If there was a production company which we've hired before Tim Coco's hired production companies to put on these kinds of shows that potentially, although you know a unilateral mistake like that, that they may not have had knowledge that Conan O'Brien was on there.
But if you pointed out and said, look, this is, it's possible.
It is possible.
I'm just going to say this.
I was a little disappointed because I was hoping you'd come in here and say oh my God, they're selling a big show on Netflix, which is the streamer, and they're using your name.
That's false advertising.
We're going to get them.
And instead, there's been a lot of sort of mealy mouth.
Maybe, I don't know, hard to prove.
Maybe they'll all just quiet.
I'll make a phone call and this will go away, but no one will get any money.
And so I'm guessing I'm saying, if I could fire you, Yes.
And I can, because I'm your boss.
We went over this last time, right?
If I could fire you.
Okay, good.
And I can.
Okay.
And you could hear me, which you can, because I'm talking.
There you go.
And you have headphones on and you're listening.
Yes, I do.
Then you'd be fired and you would no longer work for me, which is what's happening now.
And if we would go back- Because I just fired you.
And if we went back in time, I would say, you have a case, Conan.
Let's do it.
You are absolutely correct.
Physical-
Emotional.
There's going to be maybe one more installment where we find out how this happened.
Someone from Netflix has to tell us what happened.
I'd love to find that out.
I don't know.
Who spotted this?
Ruthie shared it with me.
I'm not sure.
This is fantastic.
This is great.
And I know there are probably people listening thinking conan has enough, he doesn't need to make money off this, clearly just a mistake made by netflix.
No, there's never enough.
I want to make a killing off this okay, sure i.
I want to buy a greek island.
I get the money i get from this.
I would think we would have to again.
It's just you and i talking right, no one, no one else is listening.
I would say look we, we have to try to at least show that we want to take this down, even though you want it up.
The first thing someone would ask you is well, it's been up there for six months and you knew about it.
That's a difficult thing to overcome, right?
I could see it coming down, but then I want it back up after the suit's over.
There you go.
How's that?
And I can't feel my legs.
And neither can my doctor.
I like the legs part.
All right.
We'll get to the bottom of this.
So yeah, more on this Netflix mystery when we come back.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Theme song by The White Stripes.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Brit Kahn.
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