Hi, welcome back to Eat Your Crust Podcast.
I'm Crystal.
And I'm Jisoo.
So for today's topic, we wanted to talk about something that I think is commonly experienced and not as commonly talked about, and it is conflict with your SO.
A lot of people handle conflict differently already, but on top of that there's an added layer of complication because people approach relationships differently.
So today we'll kind of dive into how our personal approach to conflict in our relationships are.
So let's start this off by kind of setting the stage.
How often do you think you have conflict with your SO?
And I'm realizing that I keep saying SO and we got a comment from a listener who asked what SO means.
SO stands for significant other.
So it's a very common way to refer to your romantic partner.
So how often I have conflict with my SO?
I think a lot more in the beginning of the relationship, because that's kind of the time where you're getting to know each other and you're starting to learn about where there is conflict in the relationship.
And I think it's a little hard maybe in the beginning to bring it up.
But once you start to realize it's okay and it's good for the relationship, then I think there's like a period of time where there's just a lot of conflict as you figure yourselves out.
I totally agree with you because I think there are phases in the relationship where conflict happens way more frequently and phases where there's like minimal to no conflict.
Thinking back on my own experiences, it happens a lot during transitional phases.
So, like you said, in a new relationship where you're going from the talking phase to a more serious, established relationship with its own guardrails, or even times when we were actively job hunting and heading towards college graduation, where so many things were unknown, I think was when we experienced a lot of conflict.
I think I had that phase in the beginning, as I kind of explained, when the relationship was still pretty new.
But nowadays, I think maybe we've hit a phase where there's kind of equilibrium.
Like you said, it's not a huge transition phase right now.
The amount of conflict has probably lessened a little bit.
But I guess another question is, what do you even consider to be conflict?
That does make me think, because it's not like in our day to day life.
My husband and I don't have things we disagree on.
Something that I feel like commonly comes up for us is when the house starts to get a little messy.
You know, if the Roomba is stuck on something.
Sometimes I'll like send him a photo like look, your Roomba is eating your headphone wires.
Like you should put that away.
But I wouldn't necessarily consider that conflict because I wasn't seeking a resolution on it, I guess.
Like I wasn't trying to have a discussion and then like a resolution phase.
It was just something funny to kind of point out that I'm like, you should fix this.
That could be a definition of conflict, something that requires a sit down, one on one conversation.
And I feel the need to fully resolve it to move forward.
That makes sense.
And I think I agree.
The natural next step in conflict, I think, is to discuss it and talk it through, just like you said.
And I think when I define a moment or like a situation to be a situation of conflict, is when there's something that we don't quite see eye to eye on.
You know whether that's like you fold your laundry this way and I fold it this way.
I mean, yeah, that's like a very light example.
But it's like in that moment you kind of decide is this going to be a topic of conflict where I think I need to talk it out?
You know, figure some middle ground here.
Or is it something that is just how they are and doesn't really bother me?
So it's something I can just move on from.
I guess it's kind of like, can I just laugh this off and then accept it as is?
Or does there need to be like fundamental change?
Yeah.
Even with conflict that can sometimes be more serious.
I feel like if the resolution went over well, I might not necessarily consider it conflict, even though we had had a serious conversation about it.
And that's not to say I only count it as conflict if there's a blowout fight.
But you know, sometimes I go into the conversation thinking maybe he will really disagree and then we'll have to talk about it for a longer period of time.
But sometimes he might not think it's a big deal and just be like oh sure, I can do that.
Then I wouldn't really see that as conflict.
I'm just like, oh, that went over pretty well.
I see.
Your husband just turns it into a, oh, okay, no problem.
And you're like, oh shit, I was ready.
Exactly.
I had all these bullet points to back myself up.
But I guess once you know that there's something that's conflict material, you know like a potential conflict and it's been bothering you and you want to bring it up to your partner.
What are some of your common openers?
Okay, openers I feel like are so hard.
So sometimes I think my openers are just like a little straight up maybe.
I've definitely said before like, oh, I have something to say.
That's so ominous.
Or, oh, I think we should talk about this.
Or sometimes there's not even an opener and I just go straight into it.
Oh.
About like this thing that happened.
Yeah.
Dude, it is like the hardest part, I think, of bringing something up because, whether I want it to or not, sometimes the opening line sets the stage or like, sets the mood a little bit.
I have to admit, sometimes the conflict that I want to talk about tumbles out of me before I could even stop it.
Yeah.
Before I used to always be like, I just think it's funny, but...
Which is the worst.
Do not use that one.
But occasionally that one comes out of me still.
Oh my God.
I know actually a signature one I do.
Sometimes I'd say, I've been thinking.
And then my boyfriend will be like, uh-oh.
There we go.
Another one that I like to do is started off by heavy caveating.
So I would say something like, you know, it's not that big of a deal.
And I'm not like upset or anything.
But I do feel like this thing sometimes bothers me a lot of like oh, I don't want to fight, like I'm not bringing this up as a big deal, but and then I feel safer to bring it up, which is kind of funny, because I'm like, what kind of response is that?
My husband is very calm.
I feel like he's like a pretty chill person yeah, but for some reason I still feel the need to de-escalate something that's not even escalated in the first place.
He's like all right, get to the point.
Yeah, he's like okay sure Okay, have you ever done like maybe you're in a conversation and then something just pops up into your mind and you're like damn, now I have to work this into the conversation and just like bring it up somehow?
Oh, you mean you're talking about something completely different and then you feel the need to like open up this new conversation about it.
It could be super different or it could even be a little connected.
Oh.
I think it's hard for me to, like, rein that back.
I would probably just bring it up.
Yeah, same, same.
I think it's ultimately harder to hold it in and not start the discussion.
Because the longer you hold it in, I think, the more upset you start to feel about it, because you know you're stewing in on this thing.
That's kind of bothering you, and then your partner has no idea.
So they're just going about their day as usual, doing the same stuff that they do, and then every time they do it you're like oh, like i've been thinking about this for the past week and they're still doing it.
Like how would they know right, So true.
And I do feel like the more conflicts that you encounter with your.
SO you start to kind of build that trust that it will go over fine, even if you bring up something that feels complex and emotional.
And in my mind, a conflict can go two ways.
One way is that they totally understand your point.
They just never noticed, never thought that it bothered you.
And then they're like, I'll just rectify this going forward.
The other way is that they disagree and then you find some sort of compromise.
But even the second option is not necessarily that bad, because you're just kind of figuring out what the equilibrium, like you said, is for your relationship moving forward.
So I feel like once you experience a bunch of these conflicts, you feel more comfortable bringing stuff up.
Yeah.
And I think ultimately having conflict is a good thing, because if you don't, then that means, I mean, maybe you just fit so harmoniously and perfectly.
But I think more realistically, if you're both not bringing stuff up, then it just means you're both suppressing parts of yourself or like sacrificing someone's comfort.
I think I've learned over time that conflict is good and it's helped to try to like normalize the phrase even.
Like this is conflict and that's good.
For sure.
Although I will say I feel like now in my late 20s Mm-hmm movies and korean dramas and they fight pretty crazy in korean dramas.
So i remember some of my first fights when i was 16, 17.
They were kind of bad and i just didn't know how to fight like.
I think that's what i thought a normal fight was back then.
I think that's a good point.
Media always plays up the arguments in a relationship.
And so you end up seeing all these yelling matches or someone slamming the door and stomping out or some really dramatic exit.
But I feel like that's not how I handle conflict at all.
Yes, I totally agree.
Interestingly, it's also not how my parents handle conflict.
I feel like it was my mind getting pulled into two different directions.
Of course, as like a teenager, you're very hormonal, very emotional.
You like don't know how to rein in feelings yet or like process them.
So I feel like back then everything felt very high intensity.
And then now looking back, I'm like, damn, it wasn't even that serious at all.
You know, like things that we deal with now are way more serious than it was in high school.
But the intensity has kind of switched.
Wait, that's so true.
I feel like in high school and stuff.
The thought was wow, this is end of the relationship, worthy stuff.
You're just like, wow, I can't believe you disagreed with me on something.
And then you're like, it's over.
Thinking back, I'm like, why was that the default?
Like, oh, I guess it's over then if we just don't agree on this thing.
For some reason, compromise was not even a thought.
I guess everything was high stakes.
You know like every action could be the relationship ending action.
But at the same time, I think it was only like that, because the relationships were so low stakes.
You know, it wasn't as serious or as weighty as the relationships that we're in now.
So we're just fabricating drama for ourselves.
Hey, if there's an age to do that, I guess that's like the peak age.
Yeah.
I mean, to be fair, I was never in like a super long relationship in high school.
I feel like the people who have been in longer relationships back then probably did learn a lot more about like conflict resolution, but I only had short ones.
So I was kind of like, yeah, it's over from here.
Yeah.
You're like on to the next.
I'm like, whatever.
Aside from the dramatics of watching people fight on TV, I also mentioned that I was kind of pulling from the way that my parents fought.
Then and now, do you think you fight like how your parents fight?
Dude, absolutely not my parents.
They raise their voices at times and my dad has kind of a short temper so he like can get kind of intense.
So when I was a kid I was like, oh my god, that's so scary.
So I don't know if it was necessarily a conscious decision, but I also think it's maybe just my personality too.
But like I think it's generally pretty rare for me to like raise my voice at anyone, Do you ever think about it when you go into your fights with your SO, where you're like, oh I want to make sure I'm not fighting how I used to see it in my parents?
No, that's the thing.
It's like not really a top of mind thing.
It's just kind of like, okay, well, we need to talk about this.
Maybe like a little bit where it's like I would never want this to escalate into like a yelling match.
Yeah.
I think that thought helps me approach how to say stuff sometimes.
Like don't say really rude words or like don't rage bait your partner.
Yeah.
Yeah, like keep it less inflammatory.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
But I don't think it's like I prep myself for a conflict and I'm like, all right, don't yell like my parents do.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like that you have, I mean, subconscious or not like learnings from that though.
Yeah.
Actually a really funny thing is we've talked about this before like outside of the podcast, or sometimes, if we're having a discussion with our SOs, instead of like raising our voices, we're kind of like wait, you're talking too loud.
Keep the voice down.
Yeah.
Because I think it's very natural for your voice to get a little louder, or you to talk a little faster in moments of emotion or if you feel like kind of anxious, like you need to say your part.
But yeah, luckily it's never escalated to the point of yelling.
And then sometimes I think, if I notice that I myself am talking at a slightly louder volume or our conversation is slowly like getting a little louder, I'm like wait, hold on before we move on.
You know, you know in elementary school, where teachers are like saying stuff in the front of the class to keep the volume down, like everyone clap twice, if you can hear me.
But I agree, I feel like something like volume or intensity is something you can lose track of when you're in a fight.
But I like that reminder of let's keep it down, like let's remember this is a safe space.
You know, it's like the DMZ, like chill area here.
I think for me, if I think back to my parents fighting, I must have seen and heard them fight when I was young, but I don't have any specific memories of it actually, so it must have been rare or at the very least behind closed doors.
However, I have heard my mom recount to me some of their legendary fights and I'm just like damn the tea and they sounded kind of intense, maybe not in terms of yelling, but definitely in terms of topic.
And to an extent, you know when sometimes fights get to like this is my deal breaker and if you don't compromise on this I'm gonna, and then you threaten with potentially ending the relationship or you know other things like that.
So that is something that I don't do actually in my fighting, but Sometimes I do think about that.
I'm just like, damn, that's crazy.
Because my parents don't come off in that way.
I think they don't come off as people who would fight like that.
But knowing that they have that history does make me think.
But I do think that approach of keeping fights private and keeping it behind closed doors is very much what I believe in terms of relationship philosophy.
Yes, I agree too.
But in the case of kids, what are your thoughts on keeping the conflict behind closed doors?
I honestly think that when we have kids, we would not fight in front of our kids if it was possible to control it.
Because sometimes fights happen on the fly and you can't keep every fight private as much as you would want it to.
But I think generally that is how we would approach it, especially because I think when you have an only child, that child is very much like the only audience.
There's no escaping it and you're kind of trapping them in that situation with you.
Yeah, versus maybe if they had a sibling or something they could entertain themselves or whatnot.
But I feel like if we were to have just an only child, it would be a lot of emotion just on that kid.
Yeah, That's true.
But like, what if you think your conflict resolution tactics are very healthy?
I guess if it was like a small enough conflict, we would just try to like communicate with each other, with the kid there.
But if it was something that was going to take longer than 10 minutes, you know, we would probably try to hold it for a more private time.
I think that makes sense.
I asked because I've heard a parent say, interestingly enough, to their now adult child they're like oh, I actually wish that maybe we argued a little more in front of you, because then you would learn some like conflict resolution skills.
That is interesting.
But I think I can totally agree because sometimes the topics of what you're talking and discussing could be really complex and a lot for a kid to just see.
Maybe what they just get out of it is, oh my god, there's some sort of deal breaker here.
But if it's just day-to-day stuff, like you said something pretty simple, and they see oh wow, they solved that really quickly and easily, then that's maybe a pro thing to see.
I guess it is like a fine line too, because my parents keeping all their fights behind closed doors meant that for a lot of my life I was insulated from what they were fighting about.
I didn't even know they had common themes in their fights, basically because I had no viz on it.
Yeah, there was a moment where something kind of serious happened in our family.
It shook my parents to the core, so then they had a pretty big disagreement about something.
And then it got to like a more serious stage.
I guess my dad called me and like told me okay, me and your mom have this really big disagreement on something, so we just need some like time.
Oh essentially yeah, and he was just giving me like a heads up.
But for me i was like i didn't even know you guys were fighting.
I had.
I thought you guys were, you know, sunshine and rainbows, the perfect parents hanging out and happy all the time.
Like i didn't even know there was all this stuff going on.
So i guess as the kid, in some ways i was thankful of like thanks for protecting me from seeing what was happening all this time.
But in another sense i was like well, now you just dropped this whole bomb on me that i didn't even know was festering under the surface.
I don't know what the balance is of like looping your kid in on like some things versus not, but it just does make me think that there is a healthy balance.
Like maybe you can't shield your kid from everything, because otherwise it may be a bigger shock later on.
True.
Because, like if you never experienced conflict as a kid, you might not even like recognize the concept of that.
And then if you face it in your own life, you might not know what to do.
True.
I think you're right.
It's like such a fine line because yeah, you probably don't want to get like your kid wrapped up in your issues with your partner, especially if it's just between you two.
Yeah.
But I can also see another angle where it's like the kid is also part of the family.
So then maybe they want to like be in the know of general family issues situations, but also like, if they're so young, it's like okay well, i don't want to like taint you.
Oh my god, i just remembered this thing.
My parents used to do so, like when they had smaller conflicts, bickering about something, they would talk about it in front of me.
It just was these big things that they were shielding me from.
But when i was younger, my parents would bicker and then occasionally they would turn to me and be like oh jisoo, like what do you?
That's so funny.
And then i would have to be fucking king solomon like okay, i mean they wouldn't take me super seriously, but i would sometimes share my perspective on it.
Yeah, and as i got older they stopped doing it.
But i remember when i was really young i'd be like please don't ask me.
You're like, why did my tv just turn and ask me questions?
Yeah, i'm like wait, they can see me back here.
Oh my god, that's so funny.
I think my parents were similar to yours, though.
They tried not to argue in front of us for big stuff but, as I mentioned, they can get intense and start yelling at each other, and then I can hear that shit.
I think the funniest thing about that is that usually I'm in my room or something and then I hear something and I'm like oh, is something going on.
And then that makes me go out of my room, and then I realize, oh shoot, they're arguing.
But then it's like...
You're already here.
You came out of your room and you just sit there and like eavesdrop on the argument.
I honestly don't even remember what their arguments were about.
But I do remember, yeah, hearing about basically a deal breaker.
And I was like, oh, God, my parents are like not OK.
And then I think I would ask them about it later.
I'd be like, well, like if you guys separated, who would I go to?
I feel like that's a question that parents ask their kid.
You know like, if mom and dad divorce, who would you go to?
But you like flipped it on.
Dude honestly, I remember thinking as a kid occasionally when my parents would fight, I would be like, oh my God, they're getting a fucking divorce.
I guess it's a lot for a small child to see.
I think when I was a little bit older, like in high school, I would always have dinner with my parents.
And then sometimes I would go back in early to study or something.
And then my parents would stay at the dinner table and chat.
I remember once I came out for more food after studying and my dad was just alone at the dinner table.
Like all of the dishes were there.
So I was like, huh, they didn't clean up the food.
And I was like, oh, where's mom?
And my dad looked at me sheepishly and was like yeah, we got into like a bit of an argument because we were talking about politics.
So she's inside in her room now.
But I remember I sat down and I gave my dad relationship advice.
It's actually, I guess, as a kid it's not so much relationship advice, but it's like oh, I know mom, and mom sometimes talks to me about how you piss her off.
So don't do these things because I know it makes mom really mad.
And my dad was just like, okay, you're right.
I should go apologize.
And then he got up and went to apologize.
Wait, that's kind of cute.
How old were you then?
High school?
Yeah, I must have been like a sophomore, junior high.
But I remember in that moment, I was also just starting to talk to guys and whatnot at school.
Yeah.
And I was thinking, even though they were married for like 25 years or something at the time, you can still have fights like that.
You can still have arguments like that.
Dang.
I mean, I guess it just goes to show that kids do see a lot, that maybe when you're a parent you're sometimes too busy to see some stuff or you don't see the same perspective as like, your grown child.
I guess also as a kid you get kind of like an external viewpoint because you're not in your parents' relationship but you're a part of the family.
Yeah.
You're kind of like their consultant, you know?
Yeah.
So we talked a little bit about how, when we were younger, and maybe even now, sometimes we see our parents engage in conflict.
Sometimes it's inevitable.
So we'll kind of know, especially as we get older, we'll kind of know what's going on with our parents a little bit.
But in your own life, do you ever talk to your family or even your friends about conflicts you have with your SO afterwards?
I think when I was younger, I would talk about it all the time.
And I don't know what exactly I was looking for.
Like.
In some ways, maybe I was seeking validation that my point of view was valid and not super fucked up.
In other ways, I was also seeking advice or like wanting to vent.
But now that I am married and even the years before marriage, I see my relationship so differently.
It's not just something that's happening in my life that is a source of conversation.
It's like the one true partnership.
You know that to me is the highest priority in my life, probably.
So then, I don't like to talk about my conflicts with my partner unless it's like fully resolved afterwards, right?
Because to an extent, it was like drama and like gossip when I was younger.
And then now, if there is a serious conflict in my relationship, I have to get it resolved ASAP.
It's like the number one thing in that moment.
And then only afterwards can I like talk about it and laugh about it, you know?
I think that's a good approach.
Only when it can be a funny story later do you share it.
But yeah, like in the heat of the moment, if you share it you're really just ranting about your partner and that could affect maybe even the way that they're perceived by your friends.
Totally.
There's been moments where I brought up a conflict that I had with my SO and talking to my friends did give me insight of like oh, maybe he was thinking like this or they would have feedback or commentary that would make me see my relationship differently, in a good way of like.
Okay, I'm understanding and processing this conflict not just through my own perceived thoughts, but through other perspectives.
So it's not to say it doesn't help sometimes, but But now I feel like my relationship is so sacred.
You know, it's like something to be protected.
So I don't like to actively talk about it.
And I guess the other thing too is we don't have a lot of multi-day conflicts.
Usually if I'm bringing it up, we like resolve it day of.
If I'm talking to my friends about it, it's resolved anyways.
I think I am similar to you in that approach.
I think also in general, I'm kind of private.
I think it's almost iconic how people sometimes ask me like, oh, how are you and your boyfriend?
And I'm like, good.
Like, oh, that's it.
But yeah, I think I've learned over the years the importance of keeping things private, because at this point in a relationship, it's not just that you're keeping your own matters private.
You're actually also responsible for another person's privacy.
And so when you talk about random conflicts and stuff, it can sometimes be, whether you realize it or not, in a way disrespectful to your partner, because you're sharing information about them that they never said was okay, maybe or didn't know that you shared that.
So I think it just naturally plays into how I'm usually a little more private about relationships and stuff in general.
It makes me wonder too if there were way more serious conflicts in our relationships, would we feel compelled to bring it up more?
Or would we feel compelled to keep it even more private?
Because I feel like as a woman who is dating, sometimes safety is also an issue.
And we're lucky to be insulated from that, but a lot of people aren't.
So I don't know.
Sometimes I wonder if that privacy thing has a certain limit that you hit and then afterwards you should try to share it if things get super serious and scary.
But at the same time I think when you're in that situation, maybe it's even harder to bring it up because it feels so serious.
You don't want to just go spreading it to people.
Yeah, that's so true.
There's definitely a line somewhere.
Right.
I guess a pro here is if you have a therapist or someone to talk to, then...
It's like hopefully, an unbiased third party who can help you process your emotions, because I'm not going to lie.
I do try my best to keep things pretty private but dude, sometimes there's just the urge to And you're like holding yourself back.
You're like, dude, I have some juicy ass shit we could talk about.
Sometimes it's a good topic, too, because maybe the conflict you're having is not that serious.
But the topic is like one that you would love to hear just various.
Would you do this or would you do that kind of perspectives?
But like, it's still fresh.
I don't want to, you know, I don't want to rile up any feathers right now.
I know you have to like dry age your conflict so it's ready to be shared.
You're like.
So two years ago, me and my partner talked about this, and we're finally ready to bring it to the public.
Would you rather do this or would you rather do that?
Guys, hot off the press two years ago, because I'll definitely admit, like when I was younger, I also love to talk to my friends about if conflict came up, especially when we're even younger, back in like high school and stuff.
If an issue came up, I feel like the go-to response is always like I just break up with them and you're like yes, that's what I needed to hear and now I can go do that.
Oh, my god, I used to be so toxic back in the day.
When a fight came up, I would always go to my girlfriends and be like oh my god, can you believe he did this or said this, or whatever.
Your girlfriends always side with you, right?
Yeah.
Especially since I was sharing this out to my girlfriends when it was like hot off the press.
Sometimes I would have to fight the urge to go back to my SO and be like well, this girl said that you know she agreed and said that this was fucked up.
You know this person said this and I'm not going to go as far as to say that, but look at what all these other people are saying about the conflict.
And that's super fucked up, right?
Because now you're involving people who are biased on your side, looping them into the fight.
So those are learnings that I have to, like, break away from.
Dude, I just had a genius idea.
Oh my god, what?
You know how there's, like, cohorts?
They should make some simpler version of that, where if couples they just can't agree on something, they bring it to court.
Oh my god.
And then they hire five to ten unbiased people to come in.
They hear both sides of the story and then they silently vote at the.
There's your result.
Dude, that's so... And you each bring like your own witness.
I've low-key seen a version of this happen online, where sometimes people will post a long, detailed account of their relationship and their problems on this Korean website.
All the comments are like, oh my god, I feel so bad for you.
You should dump this person.
These are like red flags.
And then that person's SO will also post to their own account and be like you know.
I saw that my partner posted this about us, and here's all the things they got wrong and didn't mention.
And then all the comments under them will be like oh my God, now I'm seeing that the other person was so biased.
Blah blah, blah.
And then there's like a mini like internet fight between the posts.
Yeah.
Dude, that's so funny.
I guess it's also like r slash relationships.
Yeah, true.
I think the funny ones are the ones where someone posts.
You can also sometimes tell when it's like really biased and they're like trying to check themselves.
So they add like a sentence or two about, to be fair, like this is what my SO did or said.
Right.
They're trying to get like pity points or empathy points from the audience.
And then all the comments are like, you fucked up.
You're narcissistic or something like that.
Because I feel like Reddit commenters will always jump to like the highest, most dramatic conclusion or something.
It's never just like, you're being a little selfish right now.
It's like you have narcissistic personality disorder.
So maybe my core idea wouldn't work, because then it would just become a bigger argument with people behind you.
I like that though.
That would be peak entertainment and like great TV.
True.
Maybe it could be a TV show.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, to close today's episode out, I want to end on a note of resolution.
So for you, in your relationship and in your conflicts with your partner, what are you looking for when you go into a fight or a conflict?
What do you think would satisfy you and qualify as a resolution to you?
I need my partner to bow down and be like, dude, you're so right.
You're never wrong.
Thank you.
Just kidding.
Maybe.
But realistically, I think the sort of resolution that I'm looking for generally is that both of us now understand each other better.
Because sometimes bringing up conflict is not necessarily about changing behavior.
But it's more about understanding why did this happen or why did someone act a certain way?
What is the perspective behind it?
If I understand the why, then it's easier, I think, to either let it go or maybe even change my opinion on the matter.
So I think that's like the biggest thing, understanding each other more.
And then ideally if there's some way to have an action item after.
I guess not to get all corporate, but I think it's nice to hear that if someone on either side has a plan for moving forward.
Like, oh, okay, I understand that you do whatever this certain way.
So now that I know that, I won't bother you anymore about it because I understand better.
Or it's like, oh, okay, I understand doing this bothers you, so I will try to do it less.
Yeah.
I think the action item matters a lot to me too, though.
As much as we joke about it sounding corporate, I want to know that on either side there is something that can be optimized or an improvement that can happen that would just make the other person happier or generally improve your quality of life.
I think something that I've been thinking about recently is you can be with someone for a very long time, but at the end of the day, you're not a mind freeder.
Neither of you are.
So if there's something that bugs either one of you and it can be resolved by talking about it, I feel like that is always good to kind of bring up.
A new learning for me too, is the flip side of that, which is, just because something bothers you doesn't mean you have to bring it up, as backward as that sounds.
Learning to kind of pick and choose your battles and learning what to accept, what to bring up, is also a fine art and a skill too.
Having conflicts that are productive, I would say, is a resolution to me.
Yeah, no, I agree.
Because like, you don't want to bring it up just to argue or something.
Yeah.
And I think oftentimes, maybe that's what it is.
It's like how can your relationship as a unit gain more clarity, forge a path forward instead of just harping on things that you can't change or like things that happened in the past right?
Right, exactly.
Wow, are we masters of conflict?
We just explained relationships.
Yeah, I think everything we talked about was pretty insightful.
Conflict is such a touchy subject sometimes.
So I'm glad that we took the time to kind of talk through our own thoughts and understandings of dealing with conflict in relationships.
So thank you for talking through all of this with me, Jisoo.
And for our listeners out there.
If you have any thoughts about productive conflicts in relationships, romantic or even friendships, feel free to share with us.
We have Instagram at eatyourcrestpod, and we also have email eatyourcrestpod at gmail.com.
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Thanks for listening.
And don't forget to eat your crust.
