Okay.
If you hear that song, it means you're listening to the Conan and Jordan show or just randomly playing with the knobs on your radio.
I am Conan O'Brien and I am sitting here with Jordan Schlansky.
Hi.
Who has been in my employ for many, many years as an associate producer.
Never quite figured out what he does for me, but we've had a lot of adventures together.
Yes.
People often ask me about you.
Oh.
People say, how's Jordan doing?
And then they also want to know what's the deal with that guy.
And so you're a regular part of my life.
You come up a lot.
That's flattering.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And that's so flattering the way they ask it.
But uh, the point is um we're, we're shackled together for better or worse.
We didn't choose this life.
But nevertheless, here we find ourselves.
Yes and we're not.
We're very well said.
Yeah uh, and i do enjoy doing these shows with you.
I like spending time with you short amounts of time that are controlled.
You know you get on my nerves sometimes and i'm told i get on your nerves.
Well, I think with any intimate relationship there are going to be ups and downs.
We've never been intimate.
I believe we're intimate right now.
Well, your definition of intimate and mine is quite different.
Maybe it is.
Yeah.
We've certainly been intimate.
You cannot deny that you and I have been in intimate situations.
I don't think so.
There's always a camera present um, and a sound crew.
And no, i don't think we've been in intimate situations.
Not always we you and i are friends.
We've uh, hung out.
Not no, i am, we are.
You and i have socialized with no cameras present when, a multiple times.
There have been numerous occasions where you and i have socialized, name one.
I'm not here to enumerate things that should be self-evident to a man that was there for these experiences.
You and I are friends, like it or not.
It doesn't work that way.
You can't yell at someone.
You're my friend.
You're my friend.
I'm just stating a fact.
This is not.
I asked you to give me.
This is not hopeful, by the way.
I'd be OK if we weren't friends.
Nevertheless, we are friends.
Well, I don't want to be friends with someone who doesn't care if they're my friend or not.
And I'll tell you something else.
I asked you to name specific times when we hung out in a social occasion that didn't involve us doing any kind of media project.
You failed.
You failed completely or wasn't work related.
No, you and I don't hang out.
When was the last time you and I went out to the, to the clubs, and did the electric boogaloo together?
That doesn't happen.
You know, so I don't know what these times are you're talking about.
There are many times.
Well, why don't you cite one?
Okay, 2008, do a restaurant Upper East Side.
We had a nice dinner.
We walked through Central Park on a hot, steamy summer night.
Came across Shakespeare in the park.
Watched a beautiful performance together.
Went back to your apartment at the time.
Spent quality time.
It was very intimate.
2008?
Yeah.
Do a restaurant?
Do discount 2008?
I don't remember any of this.
Whether you remember it or not, it happened.
And so you and I walked through the park and we watched.
Yeah, we walked.
Yeah, do a Upper East Side.
You lived on the Upper West Side.
But did we have tickets to this Shakespeare in the Park?
No, we came.
This was serendipitous.
Do you understand?
Some of the greatest organic moments in life are unplanned.
We didn't know we'd have a magical night that night.
Nevertheless, we did.
I wish I remembered it.
Yeah, we started out with a wonderful dinner, of course.
Do you remember what you had?
Yeah, of course I remember what I had.
I had the polar scarper yellow.
And, uh, yeah.
And I had the tortino for dessert.
Uh, uh, I had a, by the way, a bronchitis tray to drink.
Well, that usually goes away with a little, uh, no, no, no.
I don't know what you had that.
That was your responsibility.
But um but, after that we walked.
Uh you, you came up with your man that loves to walk, and that's a great quality.
Yeah.
Although you have access to many transportation options, you like to walk.
I do.
We've walked in many places on the planet.
But there was a Shakespeare in the park.
Usually those are enclosed.
You can't just walk.
No, we came across.
It was some kind of Shakespeare production backstage.
And you and I stood there and we watched it.
We stood there and we had a moment, a magical, magical moment.
And then we photographed your apartment.
You did this great thing where it was late at night.
That's right.
I remember you doing this.
I remember you photographing.
I lived at the Majestic at the time and you photographed it.
You took a nice photo of it, which I still have.
I remember this now.
Yeah, it was, it was, that's, and by the way, this wasn't us being friends.
I asked you to take, that's why we were together was to take that photo.
I think I paid you for that photo.
Okay.
So this was a gig.
I paid you, because you're a photographer, to take a picture of my apartment late at night because I was going to give it to my wife, framed.
And you did.
And we got a bite to eat first.
And you turned it into this this this date.
What I'm saying is you got paid.
We don't know when magical experiences will happen to us.
We try to plan these things.
We say, oh, I'm going to have a special occasion night.
And you plan and then things inevitably go wrong.
And then magic happens when you least expect it.
That night was magic.
One of many magical nights and days that you and I have had all across the planet.
All joking around, or I think your preferred term is joshing.
All joshing aside, you and I, we've had some good times together.
You do get on my nerves.
I can't fake that.
Um, i do find you to be kind of absurd um, inhuman in a lot of ways.
A free thinker, what's that?
I'm a free thinker.
I may not fit into the mold of uh, the characters that we play.
You just don't seem human to me.
You're like a cigarette machine yeah um, that's malfunctioning.
You pull on it, you're trying to get a pack of cigarettes and uh, you know, some molasses comes out.
You seem a little bit of the something's wrong in your cuckoo tree but, but that's neither here nor there.
Uh, i have wave the magic wand of fame at your direction and you have become a known personality.
You're welcome.
As a result, you did an interview recently with the online entertainment publication collider.
Is that right?
Yes, i did.
It was this last week.
Uh no, this was not last week.
No, but it's right here last week.
Does it really matter when, though?
I mean?
It was recent, right.
I mean i'm saying to get hung up on details like two weeks ago, it was longer than two weeks ago.
Was it three weeks ago?
It was longer than three weeks ago is a very nice young lady from Toronto.
I love Canadians.
I spent a lot of time in Ontario specifically, also British Columbia.
Your girlfriend in college was in Canada, wasn't she?
Where are you getting these incorrect facts from?
No, there was no Canadian girlfriend.
It's an old thing where people would say, do you have a girlfriend?
Yeah, yeah, she's in Canada.
And of course, that's code for she doesn't exist.
No.
So did you do an interview with Collider?
I did.
Was it approved by my people?
In what sense do you ask that question?
You're part of the Conan machine.
Yes.
And you're out talking about Conan O'Brien must go.
Yeah.
My show on Max currently running.
And you have the nerve to do your own interview.
I was asked to do an interview.
Was it cleared?
Was it cleared with Cruz?
Was it cleared with Frank?
Did you clear it with Ross?
Did you clear it with Eduardo?
People that needed to know knew.
I'm one of the people that needs to know.
Yes.
I never heard a thing about this.
You and I don't have a line of dialogue for these matters.
The people that needed to know knew.
OK, I'm going to let it go.
It was discussed.
Yeah, it was it was approved in all.
I'm going to.
Yeah, I'm going to assume that it's fine.
Yeah.
And I'm sorry I flew off the handle.
I've been under a lot of pressure lately launching the.
I'm sure you want people to speak freely under your employ.
You have nothing to hide.
No, I don't.
Yes.
I have thoughts about the series as you do.
Would you say that to Stalin?
Would you say to Stalin?
I have original thoughts.
I'm sure, Comrade Stalin, you wish people to speak freely here in the Soviet Union.
No, he didn't.
He wanted absolute control, which is what I want.
My point is, I have deep thoughts, okay?
And I have things to say about- No one with deep thoughts says I have deep thoughts.
Yes.
Nevertheless, the thoughts are there, and sometimes people want me to express them.
I express the thoughts, and no harm done.
How did it go, the Collider interview?
Frank, how did it go?
Well, let's take a look.
We have a clip here.
Oh, here we go.
You happen to be in the Argentina travelogue, and that was an episode I really loved.
You've been on so many journeys with him.
How has the relationship evolved from those early remotes to what we see in this episode?
I think in the early remotes I was still approaching this, aware of the fact that Conan was clearly my boss and I was kind of.
I felt an obligation to be subservient and play the role of the employee.
But I guess, gradually over the years, i've been able to um, put that aside while we're on camera and act just like uh, i would be naturally inclined to act should someone approach me in the manner that he does um, so in that sense, i think it's probably more truer to our actual relationship um, as opposed to like employer, employee.
Wow yeah, so you're saying there's been an evolution in our relationship.
I would hope that any relationship between human creatures, or even animal creatures, undergoes undergoes change over time.
Jordan, you don't have to keep qualifying it to say we're humans.
It really does give the impression that you're new to this whole human thing.
I see.
And it puts people off.
Yes.
You know, it really does create that image that you came here about nine years ago and were put into this shell, this form, in order to observe us and then report back to the mothership.
Yeah.
Well, I thought what you said was fairly accurate.
You realize you still are under my employ under my aegis.
I could crush you with my thumb if I wished a bug that I am observing.
You amuse me.
I'll let you live for now, but maybe right now we'll squish.
There you go.
Yeah.
So you I mean, if such statements make you feel more powerful, I'm not going to challenge them.
They do.
Yes.
Yes.
If you needed that reinforcement, you've got it.
Yeah.
Thank you.
Appreciate it.
Should we take a look at the next one?
Yeah.
This is good.
I thought you did a good job.
I thought you did a good job.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, here we go.
What's one thing about the relationship with Conan in these episodes that fans might be surprised to learn that doesn't come across on camera.
Because I'm sure there was more B-roll that we haven't seen as yet.
Well, the reality of the situation is, despite how it may or may not appear.
Speaking for myself, I love traveling with Conan.
I love spending time with him.
I love spending time with him in foreign environments.
I do truly think that when You travel, you experience any kind of new event with someone you know it does bring you closer together.
You not only experience things firsthand, but reflected in somebody else's eyes as well.
I genuinely have so many warm memories of traveling to Argentina and other places with him.
We would have wonderful dinners and we would talk about the food that we're eating and the local nature of that food, the culture around us.
And it may surprise people to know that we really get along.
And I would like to think he enjoys my company as much as I enjoy his.
Oh, wow.
Well, I have one comment.
First of all, you said some lovely things there, but before we get to that, you've got to change your background the next time you do a professional interview.
Yes.
Because the angle's all wrong.
We're looking up at a, look at that.
That's a mess.
And that looks like you've made a, quickly made a video to try and get help.
I don't have the resources that you have.
Do you understand this?
I'm a man among men.
Yes, a human man.
I've got media trained in this regard.
I do the best I can.
Okay, well, look how that beam is coming out of your head.
And it does look like you've drawn the shade so you can cut up a body.
So...
Let's move on to what you said.
I right back at you, buddy.
I have enjoyed our travels together.
You do enrage me at times.
But what I have found is as infuriating as you are in person, when we go to these exotic lands together.
You're still the same person, but suddenly the quality of the food we're having is much better.
And we're in Buenos Aires.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Or we're in Tokyo.
And so that sort of makes it all go down a little easier.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh, I see.
I prefer you in a foreign land, preferably if I'm not with you.
So-
But I agree with you.
Yes.
We come across as these two people who are always at each other's throats.
And I do enjoy traveling with you.
I think it's a testament to our closeness that we can be at each other's throats and still endure.
Yes.
Endure and even, may I say, thrive as humans and as animals.
Yeah.
Okay.
We're going to take a little break.
We'll be right back.
Okay, welcome back to the Conan and Jordan show.
I'm sitting here with Jordan.
Jordan, as you're well aware, the travel shows on Max have been well received.
We went to four countries.
You came along with me on one.
And it reminded me that one of the reasons I brought you along on the Argentine episode was that You and I had traveled before.
Oh, yes.
And we had a really good time.
We went to Italy together.
Now, of all the travel shows we did before Max, I think one of my favorites was Italy, just for the sheer fun and silliness of it.
That's wonderful.
There was a lot of just kooky comedy.
Do you remember going together to Italy?
No.
Yeah, of course I remember going to Italy.
Do you understand?
That was a pivotal moment in my life.
But I'll tell you something about that trip.
That trip was a part of my life even before you and I went.
That was a trip that I had done many times before and that made it extra personal for me, because I was able to share with a beloved companion these moments that have been so special to me.
Beloved companion?
Yeah, you're a beloved companion.
The point is I travel alone typically, and as much as I like- You travel alone?
Yeah, I often travel alone.
As much as I like the freedom that comes with traveling alone in the moments of introspection, sitting in a piazza at 2 am and just watching people go by and pondering the universe
You creep.
Does your wife know that you like to travel alone?
The point is, sometimes you want to share these experiences with somebody.
And I was happy to have the opportunity to share this exact experience with you.
What's your favorite thing about the trip that we took?
We went to Florence.
Did you like that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Or Firenze, you like to call it.
Firenze.
Yeah.
I said Firenze.
Yeah, Firenze.
Firenze.
Yeah.
Say it again.
One more time.
Firenze.
Yeah, you got it.
Firenze.
Yeah.
It's one of those.
You know, some countries go by the same name in English as they do in a native country.
That's one that has changed quite a bit, hasn't it?
Florence is Firenze.
Rome, of course, Roma.
Do you have any others you'd like to... Venice, Venezia.
How about Pisa?
Yeah, Pisa is actually the same.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I just wanted to ruin your theory.
Okay.
Nevertheless...
Of course, Naples, Napoli.
Yeah, Napoli.
Very good.
Yeah, that's impressive.
Yeah.
So so basically I'm sending piece of shit.
Yeah.
When you ask, I'll tell you, I'll tell you some of my favorite moments.
OK, when you ask, I've connected with these places on a spiritual level.
OK, but often alone.
And I'd come back and I would talk to you about my trip.
And you at least pretended to be interested at the time.
Yeah.
When I come back from hiatus.
Yeah, exactly.
And and then to be there with you at La Logetta or some of these Sorbillo Pizzeria, some of these exact places where I've spent so many years, was quite moving for me.
Uh, i'm glad that you were moved.
Yeah, i wish you'd kept moving.
Okay uh, but a little quip there.
But um, we had a good time.
We enjoyed many foods together.
Yes uh, there's a segment where you and i are driving around in a little car and i'm playing um, obscene sounds on a little sound machine.
Yes uh, that made me really laugh.
I to this day, i can't see that without laughing.
That that has some background to it.
Let you would drive around by yourself, listening to Oh yes,
Celli di Toscana.
Yeah, specifically Andrea Bocelli's Celli di Toscana.
And let me tell you something.
And then I thought hey, wouldn't it be funny if we listened to what I like to listen to when I'm driving?
And it was a lot of embarrassing noises from a sound effects shop.
Think about getting this car started and be very careful with your valuable Conan payload.
Can you stop the car for a second?
Stop it?
Yeah.
Just one other thing.
Yeah.
You're a fool.
You frame yourself as a sophisticate, an academic, you know, an intellect, and you're a fool.
I mean, this is like, this is like toddler humor, you know?
All your training has led you to this.
So you are revered in the world of comedy, the elder statesman of late-night television, Harvard-educated many decades.
Why bring up Harvard?
Who gives a shit about that in the comedy world?
Okay, I'll tell you.
The Lampoon, the Harvard Lampoon, respected publication editor-in-chief of some sort.
Yeah, for a freshman, I think first freshman in the history.
It's okay.
It's called president.
Anyway, let's get off to Harvard.
All right, nevertheless, I'm sorry you have a sore spot about that.
No, I'm not going to talk I don't know what persecution you face as a Harvard graduate.
No, I don't know what the sensitivity is about.
I don't know what the sensitivity is.
I don't know if something happened to you at Harvard that you don't want to discuss.
I won't bring it up again.
No, no, no.
OK, so anyway, you're revered.
Comedians look up to you.
You your sophistication in the comedic world.
You're a combination of the silly and the high end, and all of that and incredible resume brought you to a little classic Fiat Cinquecento with me playing the sounds of a human gas release.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's called a fart.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It was very funny.
You couldn't call it that.
And we were just howling.
It was so funny.
I mean, you weren't laughing.
I think you just didn't understand what was happening.
You were just a confused robot.
But it was so funny.
I love that Italy episode.
I hope people check it out.
Yeah.
It's really, really a lot of fun.
It was very special to me.
Yeah, you mentioned to me that uh, argentina wasn't your first choice.
Uh, you know, i i've been to argentina now three times and i and the first two times i went, i did kind of road trips through patagonia and and argentina is a wonderful country, wonderful people, wonderful culture, wonderful food.
Um, you know, there are some places that you go to and you say i had a wonderful experience here and this will carry me through the rest of my life and and this was great and i really treasure it, but I don't necessarily think I'll ever have the opportunity or need to come back.
I loved it.
I loved Buenos Aires.
Yeah, I loved it.
We had some delicious steak.
Oh, yes.
The steak there is fantastic.
And I was really enjoying the meal, and we shot one of those meals.
I think you annoyed me a lot during that meal.
Oh, yes.
Yes, we did.
Yeah.
Maybe the angriest I've been on camera at you.
How familiar are you with the culture?
Well, I know that regarding the culture of the Argentines, I'm certainly no expert.
However, I will tell you that I know that the passion and intensity of tango flows through the blood of the Argentine people.
It's on every street corner that we encounter.
Tango.
Tango.
Tango.
It's pronounced tango.
Tango.
Last tango in Paris.
Last tango in Paris.
Or more accurately, last tango in Paris.
And I'm chewing and I'm furious at the same time.
And you can see an anger in my eyes.
You'd have to watch I don't know you'd have to watch a movie about the devil to see that much anger in someone's eyes.
You know.
Well, I have a respect for the culture and I try to honor the people and the way they speak.
And if that infuriates you, that sounds like a problem that you need to work out.
I took you to Japan.
Oh, yes.
That's the angriest I've seen you.
You got very angry because you and I had a traditional meal.
Oh, kaiseki.
Please.
Yeah.
We had kaiseki and we were wearing the robes and we were kneeling at the little small table.
They were bringing us the various dishes.
You started to go on and on about the film Karate Kid 2.
Oh, yes.
And you expounded on what made it so special as it was shot. in this particular part of Japan.
Okinawa.
Okinawa.
Island.
And then I produced, once you had really dug your own grave thoroughly.
I produced a video that I brought with me of Ralph Macchio, the star of Karate Kids.
Macchio.
Macchio.
Yeah, Macchio.
Machio, but anyway, I produced a video of him telling you that no, they shot that in the United States.
It was not shot in Japan apparently, it was shot in Hawaii.
Okay, so you um, in that moment looked like a fool oh, and I had set the trap perfectly.
And uh, you got Admit it.
You got angry.
You got very.
Well, it's true.
I made a mistake.
If you'd like to believe I was angry, if that increases your enjoyment of the situation.
Really mad because you started to say oh oh oh, I guess if I had a booker I could book someone like Ralph Macchio.
And I said, Macchio, and you said, Macchio, I could get a booker.
I could get a booker.
Oh, big talk show.
You were angry.
You were angry.
You were frustrated and angry.
You could believe I'm angry if you want to believe I was angry.
Oh my God, everybody can see on camera.
It got like, look at the footage, people.
My fascination with Japanese culture began with the Karate Kid Part 2.
Now that movie was shot and took place in Okinawa, which is the southern part of Japan.
Mm-hmm.
And, well, Daniel was staying in a ryokan, which is a... Daniel?
Oh yeah, Daniel's son, played by Ralph Macchio, which is actually the Italian way pronounced Macchio, but I believe he pronounces it Macchio and I'll respect his decision.
So, Jordan, let's recap.
Yeah.
Your entire fascination with Japan stems from the fact that you saw Karate Kid 2.
Yeah. and that it was filmed in where?
Okinawa.
Okinawa.
I have a message here for you.
Please press play.
And hold that out to the camera as you watch it.
Hi, Conan.
It's me, Ralph Macchio.
Listen, I'm sorry to interrupt.
I just wanted to tell that Jordan guy that all the scenes in Karate Kid Part 2 that were supposed to be Japan were actually shot in Hawaii.
Oh, and Jordan, those weren't real dinosaurs in Jurassic Park.
It was Hawaii.
Thank you, Ralph Macchio.
You fraud.
You fraud.
I think right now you're in shock.
Yes, I am in shock.
And you're going to try and talk yourself out of it.
No, no, I'm in shock.
Your childhood hero just came out of my phone and took a shit into your mouth.
I am shocked that you had our talent booker reach out to his publicist.
You have the connections.
Yeah, I can get to Ralph Macchio.
Yeah, yes, you can.
You, sir, are a fool.
I do not know where Ralph Macchio shot The Karate Kid 2.
It's Macchio!
Because I'm a fool.
It's Macchio!
I am a fool for not knowing where that movie was shot.
It's Macchio, and I can get to him if I wanted to.
It's Macchio.
Do you understand?
Oh, yeah.
I can get to Macchio.
Listen to you.
Right now, you sound like an insane stalker.
We have footage of you with your eyes as wide as an owl saying, I can get to Macchio.
I can get to him.
I can get to Macchio.
You got mad.
OK, well, guess what?
You got mad when I took you to a very special experience in Italy.
OK, here's a real story for the people out there that they may not have heard before.
This is real life listening audience.
OK, I we were in Florence and I want to do something special for you.
You know why?
Because I have an intimate knowledge of that city.
And I said, I can provide you an experience that you can't get as a tourist.
How angry he is.
No, no, no.
This is this is what I this is the way I enhanced your life without you even being aware of it.
OK, so I know that yes, you can have a wonderful dinner in the city of Florence, but I knew a very special, magical place outside of the city, in the town of Fiesole.
OK, this is shortly after, outside the city, maybe eight minutes outside the city okay.
So i said tonight i'm going to take you and our entire crew to a wonderful dinner in fiesole.
And you said great, how?
How close is it to florence?
And i said it's about eight minutes outside the city.
And you said great.
So we all get in our vans and we start driving outside the city to fiesole.
I remember this, yeah.
And then I start.
You know, I'm in the van enjoying our company.
We're talking, we're having a real experience here.
The night was full of opportunity.
You know, this is a wonderful experience from virtually a local to a tourist like yourself.
And I start getting questions about the amount of time that we were in the van.
It was more than eight minutes.
Okay, so people start looking at their watches and say, this is taking a while.
And I don't know what the rush was.
I mean, we were done shooting for the day and we were off to a magical...
I'm sorry, we were all hungry.
You said eight minutes.
It was not even close to eight minutes and the bus kept driving, and driving, and driving, and then we're going up a big hill and then we're down a hill.
I was there, too, and I could vouch for this.
Okay.
It was far away.
I'll accept the fact that... You lied.
I'll accept the fact... Let's say it was longer than eight minutes.
You became infuriated by the amount of time it was taking... Yeah, it was taking to get there.
I don't think I became...
I did not turn into the Hulk.
Yes.
My shirt didn't rip.
No.
I didn't suddenly go from, you know, regular actor.
What's his name?
Bill Bixby.
I didn't suddenly go from Bill Bixby to Lou Ferrigno.
That's not what happened.
Lou Ferrigno.
The GN makes like a nya sound, like gnocchi.
No, everyone says, that's not how they pronounce it.
Who's they?
I pronounce it Lou Ferrigno.
How do you say Hulk?
Hulk?
No.
Hulk.
Hulk.
Hulk is an English word.
It's actually called Hulk.
Because he was Danish.
What?
Danish?
No, he's not Danish.
I'm just saying that you do everything you can to mispronounce things just to be an A-hole.
Bill Bixby, that guy could make me cry.
I mean that guy, the pain, the lonely man theme composed by Joe Harnell when he would walk off in the distance, Bill Bixby at the end of every episode.
Tell me that doesn't bring tears to your eyes.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Even like a guy like you that's always looking for the joke in this situation.
I don't know the show that well.
He can't find companionship because he's cursed by this disease.
He was exposed to gamma rays.
He's cursed.
He walks.
He looks.
He only wants companionship.
He only wants to be a free man.
Does this sound like you?
Does this sound like you?
Does this sound like you?
Tell me Bill Bixby.
And he was like a tortured soul in real life.
It's Boxby.
No.
What do you mean he's a tortured soul in real life?
How do you know?
Bill Bixby that you could see when you talk about an actor and their ability to emote, people think because he was on like a fantasy TV series, they kind of discount him.
I mean, the guy was like a genius actor.
How do you know he was tortured?
You know, there are stories about his life.
He had struggles.
Nevertheless, that guy was able to communicate these touching sentiments that are unheard of in a superhero genre.
All right.
Well, listen, this is neither here nor there.
I didn't get that enraged, but you did lie about how long it took to get to the restaurant.
But we had a wonderful, magical dinner, I'd like to think.
Yeah, remember the bicycles on the wall?
This place had bicycles on the wall.
When we finally got there, it was nice.
Yes.
I...
I've traveled the world with you.
Yes.
And I want to say I thank you for your companionship.
Oh, you're welcome.
Thank you for yours.
Very good.
You studied earthlings long enough to know that that's the correct response.
That was a normal exchange, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you practice at home with pillows?
You draw faces on them?
No, I don't.
And say, well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I do appreciate that.
Oh, and good to see you as well, sir.
How are you?
Nice to be here.
I know how humans are expected to interact.
Do you understand?
I've witnessed these things.
Do you understand?
I spend large amounts of time pondering.
I'm sure you did.
When they put you as a baby into the ship and sent you hurtling towards Earth because your own planet was exploding.
You had a lot of time on screens to watch us and learn kind of in your own way how we interact.
I know how to play this game.
Do you understand?
I know the rules.
I know how to bend the rules.
Yes, no one suspects a thing.
That's right.
I know how you all interact, and I'm happy to play in your world.
Okay.
Well, just an admission here.
That was fantastic.
That you're not like us, but you've learned to blend.
No, I'm not.
But are any of us really like us?
Yeah.
The rest of us in this room are like us.
There's no us.
No, no, no, they're not.
People have their inner secrets, their inner deviations.
Where would you like to go in the future with me?
The future Conan?
Where would you like to go?
Where would you like to travel?
Yes.
Well, in fact, uh, I've got six, uh, an order for six more of these travel shows.
And, um, yeah, I'm curious.
Is there any, do you have any requests?
You know, I have another very special road trip that I take and uh I would love to share with uh, you again in a very intimate setting.
Um, I would, I found this great combination.
I would fly to Paris and I'd spent a couple of days in Paris.
You have your steak frites, you have your, uh, you know, your wonderful wines.
You can, um, You can explore the city.
And then I would rent a car and drive through the French countryside.
I'm talking about the Loire Valley where you stay in castles.
Now, these things are actual medieval castles that are now converted into lodging and hotels.
They're not like Las Vegas made to look medieval.
And you'll stay in the turd of a castle.
It's an incredibly romantic and ornate in these large green fields.
Why do you want to have all these romantic experiences with me?
This is how you connect with humans.
No, no, no.
This is how you connect with humans.
Romantic is how you connect with someone who you have a romantic sexual interest with.
Why sexual?
Do you have a romantic interest?
Of course I do.
High romance.
You ever hear of the romantics?
You ever hear of the new romantics in music?
The fact that you link romance with sex to me is very telling.
It's very two-dimensional.
Things are not always so cut and dry.
I believe you and I have a very romantic relationship.
No, wait a minute.
What?
If I said to my wife, I'm leaving on a very romantic trip with Jordan, she would laugh.
She would laugh.
She would laugh.
She would think that's silly.
That's not my business.
The point is... The point is...
Absolutely, we have a romantic relationship.
You like to pretend these things away.
You find yourself in this situation.
I know you didn't plan it this way.
I do not have romantic moments with you.
I know you didn't plan it this way.
Whether or not you acknowledge it doesn't discount the fact that it exists.
Okay?
We drive through the Loire Valley.
We drive through Burgundy and we have local Burgundy wines.
And then we drive into Switzerland through the Alps and we eat raclette and fondue.
What's raclette?
Raclette is a type of cheese that melts over a fire and you eat it.
How do you get it out of the fire?
Please.
You're in the Swiss Alps.
You're sitting in front of a fireplace.
High romance.
High romance.
Driving through the mountains.
And then you drive into northern Italy across the Dolomites.
And maybe you end up in a town like Venice.
And you may think, oh, we've done Italy.
Well, we did Tuscany and Lazio.
You mean Venezia?
Yeah, Venezia.
And it kind of got a flavor.
It's all of its own.
And I've done this trip multiple times off and alone.
I would love to share that experience with you.
Why are you always alone?
Think of us galloping through the Alps.
Galloping?
Yeah, galloping through the Alps.
Not on a horse, but on some kind of motorized vehicle, perhaps.
Or even just on foot.
No, no, you don't get into a... You don't get into a... I'm gallivanting.
I'm sorry, I misspoke.
But just picture us just running.
Remember the sound of music?
You don't get into a Honda Accord and gallop off into the distance.
It just doesn't happen.
Yeah, but can you envision the sentiment I'm talking about?
Like picture the sound of music, which was shot, of course, in Germany.
But picture that in the Swiss Alps, you and I just running through the snowy mountains.
No, I don't.
I don't like flannel.
I don't picture any of that.
No, we're we're gallivanting.
No, I don't want to gallivant.
No, we're gallivanting in the Alps.
And then at night we're curled up in front of a fire.
What are you talking about?
We're wearing.
You and I are not curled up together.
Maybe Gestad.
You ever been to Gestad?
Oh my God, it's called shtad.
You don't pronounce the G. So what I'm saying is, and then of course- I know, I haven't been there.
Listen to me.
And then we have risotto and polenta in Northern Italy.
We stay in the mountains there.
Hey, listen to me.
I am not a homophobic person at all, okay?
You have to, and I think you know that about me.
I absolutely know that about you.
But I don't, I reject your advances.
I reject- I'm not advancing.
You just said, come with me to the Dolomites.
I'm proposing.
I'm making a proposition.
You're proposing.
I'm proposing.
I'm making a proposition.
I call it an indecent proposal.
You said you wanted to curl up with him in front of a fire.
Yeah, I would like to curl up with you in front of a fire.
We're not intertwined.
I'm not against it.
What I'm saying is- Wait, so I'm curled like a shrimp in my corner and you're curled like a shrimp in your corner.
Let me envision this.
Let me envision this, okay?
Yeah, paint a picture.
All right, so there's a fire.
Where am I?
There's a fire.
There's a fireplace.
We're on the floor.
There's a rug.
There's some melted cheese on the log.
Yeah.
There is.
There's an oval rug.
Why is it oval?
Because it'll fit both of us.
It's an oval rug.
Wait, we have to be together on the rug?
Yeah, we're going to be down on the floor and you're on the left side of the oval rug and I'm on the right side of the oval rug.
I want the right.
I want the right.
Okay, fine.
We're wearing flannel pajamas and we've got a fondue pot and we're roasting our bread.
What are we drinking?
Maybe apples.
Oh, I'm glad you asked.
You know, Switzerland has some great wines.
They're very expensive.
In fact, many Swiss will buy like Italian wines because...
Don't worry about the expense.
You're like concentrating on the wrong things.
Our bodily positions are not necessarily important.
What's important here?
To me, they are very important.
You said we're curled up.
Now, to everyone in the room, that means we're together.
Our bodies are touching.
Like spooning.
Well, not necessarily.
Possibly.
If they are touching, which areas are touching?
I don't care.
These are you're dwelling on the wrong things.
I think I'm dwelling on a very important fact.
If our bodies should touch, I don't even necessarily notice it.
It could happen accidentally.
That's not my goal, nor am I trying to avoid it.
The point is, here we sit in Los Angeles in an urban environment.
Now picture this is the wonder of travel.
Picture us now in the Swiss Alps curled up in front of a fire together.
OK.
I can't picture it.
The most I can picture is that I'm in an armchair, a leather armchair on one side of the room.
You're on the leather armchair on the other side of the room.
That just seems so distant, almost like you're trying to avoid me.
I like it.
And also I want like a Japanese screen between us.
And that's it.
Okay.
And then I just find your description to be a little strange.
That's all.
Yes.
Well, I have specific castles that I have stayed in, and I would love to spend time in with you.
And just picture large fields in France running through the fields.
Why are we running?
I don't want to run through a field.
There's a gopher hole.
You break your ankle.
What I'm saying is when you see a large expanse of green grass.
Okay, France is like a green country.
Isn't that doesn't seem like a green country to you.
Like do you see colors when you like?
If I say like the number, like if I say 1983, do you see yellow?
Nope.
No.
If I say the 1990s, do you see red?
Uh, how long have you experiencing these headaches?
What I'm saying is you don't associate color with different words or places?
No, I don't.
I mean, yeah, if you say brown, I think of the color brown.
If you say yellow, I think of the color yellow.
But if you say 1983, I don't think of yellow.
You don't think of yellow?
Why would you think of yellow?
1985, red.
1986, blue.
1987, green.
1988, yellow again.
1989, red again.
You don't see that?
I'm pulling the rip cord.
Okay.
I'm getting us out of here.
No, no, this is not a joke.
This is a real thing.
I see colors.
There's no way.
Frank, get this analyzed.
When I see certain words or places, okay, France is a green country.
I picture large green fields and you and I just running through the fields.
MRI.
You need to have an MRI.
Okay, you have an mri and and they need to inject dye and then they need to do a kind of imaging where they can.
That's called with contrast yeah, and uh, magnetic resonance imaging.
Yeah, then you'll see the colors, and uh, as opposed to computerized axial tomography, a cat scan, do you know?
Laser stands for light amplification by stimulated emission of radiation?
Do you know that scuba stands for self-contained underwater breathing apparatus?
If you know that we're out of time means I'm ending this right now.
Thank you very much, Jordan.
It's been a really great episode of the Conan and Jordan show.
Or it's been an episode of sorts.
I don't know.
That's a great one.
What are we playing right now?
Oh, this is the Lonely Man theme.
Look for the piano version by Joe.
Oh, yes.
Oh my gosh.
Are you okay?
Yeah, it's consuming me.
This is the song they would play with Bill Bixby as Bruce Banner.
David Banner in the TV series, Bruce Banner in the comics.
Changed on purpose by the series creator.
And he's walking away and he's alone because if anything infuriates him, he turns into the Hulk.
He can't exist in human society.
This is the theme that should play when you wander alone in europe with no one to talk to, and when you rent a castle and there's a fireplace and some cheese, but i'm not there.
There's no one to cuddle with.
Of course, you forgot to invite your wife who, by the way, is very beautiful and cool but uh, you didn't think to bring her with you on this romantic getaway because you thought maybe your podcast co-host would be there, and it's very sad.
This is the song that plays.
This has been a very emotional episode of The Conan and Jordan Show.
We'll see you next time.
Good night.
The Conan and Jordan Show with Conan O'Brien and Jordan Schlansky is produced by me, Frank Smiley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Jim McClure.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez.
Our supervising producer is Andrew Bruce.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn.
The theme song is Tom Sawyer by Rush.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.
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Thank you.
