Rethinking Social Comparison: How to Choose Your 'Joneses' Wisely

In this episode of the Before Breakfast podcast, host Laura VanderKam explores the psychological tendency of social comparison—often referred to as "keeping up with the Joneses"—and proposes a transformative approach to how we measure our lives against others. While comparing ourselves to those around us may be "unavoidable," the core argument is that we can be intentional about the "bars we are setting" for ourselves.

The Problem with Default Comparisons

VanderKam notes that human nature tends to fixate on the "one or two" people who seem to have more than us—whether that manifests as "swankier vacations," "nicer clothes," or having "more interesting jobs." This is a skewed metric, especially considering that for most listeners, the proportion of the global population with fewer resources is "huge." Despite our relative abundance, we ignore the 97 people out of a hundred who have less and instead fixate on those ahead of us. This default setting often leads to unproductive envy and a focus on superficial status symbols.

Shifting the Focus: Constructive Emulation

The central thesis of the episode is that if we recognize this tendency to compare, we can consciously "choose different Joneses" to serve as catalysts for growth. Instead of focusing on people who possess material goods that make us feel inadequate, we should seek out individuals whose "values, habits, and interests" we genuinely admire. By doing so, we turn the inevitable act of comparison into a tool for self-improvement.

Practical Application of Intentional Comparison

VanderKam provides several actionable strategies for implementing this mindset shift:

• Parenting Mentorship: If you struggle with your relationship with your children, look for parents who are "a little bit ahead of you on the parenting journey." Observe what they are doing and consider what you can "replicate" or "learn from them."
• Spiritual and Personal Growth: For those seeking growth in faith or character, identify someone in your community who displays a "calm and confident faith." Engaging with them through small groups or volunteering allows you to observe their habits and responses, providing a model you can "emulate."
• Overcoming Self-Doubt: If you have an aspiration that feels "out of reach," find a friend who has achieved it and treat her as your personal benchmark. Seeing that "she can do it" suggests that your own goals are not "out of the realm of possibility."

Turning Envy into Inspiration

Ultimately, the podcast argues that we should stop letting Instagram-worthy outfits or superficial lifestyle displays dictate our emotional state. If we are going to feel envy, we should "turn that envy towards something constructive." By seeking out people whose "animating questions connect with yours," you ensure that the natural human impulse to compare nudges you toward becoming the person you truly want to be. As VanderKam concludes, the key to a better life is to "choose the right Joneses to keep up with," thereby making the most of our time and energy.