These are my personal opinions, always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well -being.
To the person who wrote to me, I'm gonna get right into this, so the person who wrote to me and asked, is it possible he's changed?
Maybe he's matured?
Maybe he got wiser and he grew out of this narcissistic personality disorder.
I have bad news, if he was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, then it's very unlikely he grew out of that, because it's a personality disorder and according to people that know more than me about this they don't grow out of it.
You don't grow out of a disorder like that.
Now, I have my own personal opinions on that.
I do think that if you practice the empathy muscle, if you work on it, that it's possible that one could start developing empathy, but it's very difficult for people without it.
If there's no empathy there, it's very difficult to find it to even start it because it's just not there.
So there's really nothing to develop.
So that's an amateur opinion.
Do not listen to me.
Look that up. Look up narcissistic personality disorder and look up how some people seem to be not born with it.
I mean you've even heard of young teenagers doing things that a sociopath would do and then they interrogate them because they did something awful and they just seem to have no care about what they did they don't care about the people they've hurt about what they've said or what they did they just don't care about the consequences of their behavior.
If you've ever watch those interrogations where the police interrogate a suspect I've seen ones with teenagers in them and some of them have shown no remorse no empathy and it makes you wonder why not.
Were they born that way?
Were they conditioned that way?
Did they learn that from a parent?
Did they learn that from neglect?
So again I'm not the professional in that area you know the I've worked with them, I've worked with narcissistic people and I don't know if they were fully disordered, but I have talked with them, I have chatted with them, I have supported them, because I've met actually some that do want to change.
But there are a couple that I've talked to that only seem to want to change not because they know they're hurting someone they care about but But because they don't want the other person to leave them, because typically with NPD there's a lot of insecurity.
And with that insecurity, they need someone in their life, unfortunately, that insecurity also leads to control.
They control the person they need in their life.
And they need to feel a sense of worth, a sense of connection, even though they have these other issues.
I have talked with these people and I have had my suspicions that some of them don't really seem to care about the other person.
They just care about themselves and their own needs.
And so when they are like that, especially when they're older, the chances of changing in my amateur opinion on NPD are slim to none.
Now if there's any empathy in there at all there's a if there's any empathy, there's a chance.
My step into empathy is to imagine something that you'd lose, something that you really care about, something that you don't want to lose, if you lost it, how would that feel?
That's how I tell people to practice empathy.
So let's just say that you have a favorite person and that person died, how would that feel?
There's a loss there.
This is only for people who need help practicing empathy.
If you already know empathy, you don't want to do this exercise.
It's hard. I mean, it's hard because it's sad, and you don't want to be sad.
You don't want to think about losing this important person in your life or losing something very valuable to you that would really hurt.
This is what I mean is that when you experience loss you are starting your journey into empathy.
So if you are already empathetic don't do this exercise you don't need to.
But if you have trouble with empathy step into that loss if I had to think about something that I'd lose it would be my wife that would be gut -wrenching.
Her son my now stepson that would be gut -wrenching it would be terrible.
My mom so these people in my life are very important to me.
Now this is part of it, it's not empathy itself.
This is the first step into empathy.
The second step into empathy is to imagine the other person feeling that, so the feeling that you have, that's what they're feeling.
You've stepped into it, and now you're stepping into it with them.
So there's an example here, so if somebody says I'm really sad and you want to practice empathy, what makes you sad?
Typically it's a loss of some sort.
What makes me sad is the end of that movie.
That's not really a personal connection but it might be.
It might remind you of something or someone that you lost and so that's a good step into empathy.
So you step into that loss and now you're experiencing loss with them.
This is something you can practice if you need to practice it.
What in my life, if I lost it, would make me sad?
What would feel like a huge loss?
Might make me cry? Might make me feel devastated?
That is the first step into empathy, and the second step is to imagine them feeling that way because now you know what it feels like now you are imagining them or even seeing them experiencing some sort of pain or suffering or loss and you're stepping into your own to experience it with them and now you're closer to empathy and maybe you are feeling empathy at that moment i don't know but if you want to work on this if you need to work on your empathy that is my personal approach to practicing empathy.
This is something I tell people in my program, healed being.
These are people that have not practiced empathy.
Held being is for those who are doing emotional -abusive behaviors and they want to change.
They've either been told to change or else, by the person they're hurting, or they realize they need to change because they are hurting people they love and they care when you have care that really helps toward empathy and they realize they're maybe feeling entitled or being selfish and the other person in their life they're hurt and they realize I don't want to hurt them anymore that's a good realization to have I want to hurt that person anymore I don't hurt my partner I don't want to hurt my family I just want to show up as a better person I want to stop being emotionally triggered?
How can I do that? Empathy is a major step forward. Empathy is one of the components to stopping this behavior because if you feel that loss that they feel or that suffering or that pain that they feel that is how you can stop the behavior.
So that's for people who are hurting people they love.
How do you stop hurting people you love?
You You imagine what it feels like to be hurt.
You imagine what it feels like to be on the other side – to be on their shoes.
I tried that on for the first time at the end of my marriage – who knows – over a decade ago now.
I tried on empathy, finally, but it was too late.
She fell out of love with me.
And she had every good reason to fall out of love with me because it was very difficult to love me back then.
and I did not make her life easy because I was so judgmental and critical and I had to learn I had to try on empathy I had to try on her shoes and be her seeing me glare at myself over there seeing me put down that person that I'm supposed to love being critical and judgmental and guilting her and withdrawing love and affection going into the silent treatment all that stuff I used to do that makes me sick to think about now that I was that person not only to her but to my previous partners I was that person for most of my life it's so awful to say that and admit that but I want to be transparent
and who I was because I had to learn what empathy was I had to learn to step into that and that was not an easy process it was a huge leap of faith it really was for me it was a huge leap of faith to step out of my existing model of reality this is what I believe these are my values that's my model of reality what I believe what my values are my behaviors Everything that I am, everything that I think, all how I view reality, all how I believe reality is constructed for me.
And so to step out of that.
How do you do that?
This is a very difficult step for some people to take.
That's why the people that hurt people continue hurting people sometimes.
It's because they don't want to step out of that reality.
First of all they may not believe any other reality exists." Second of all, they may believe so strongly about what they believe.
They may believe that they're right to a point where stepping out of reality would make them wrong.
And if they think there's a chance they'll be wrong, they don't want to step out of that reality.
They want to stay in the reality that makes them most comfortable.
A lot of us do, right?
Most of us want to be and stay in our reality because it makes us the most comfortable.
Unless it's a miserable reality and we're open to new paths to different realities.
But this idea that you can just step out of reality is so far off from some people's processes that they will not go there.
So that was me for a good 30 plus years.
I did not want to go there.
I don't want to step out of my reality.
I want to believe that my reality is the right one and Unfortunately when you do that You might develop a tendency to hurt people you love Because if your reality is the right one Then there's must be wrong and if your reality does not have the ability if you don't have the ability in your reality to have an open mind and and listen and be supportive and even be supportive when somebody doesn't agree with you if you don't have that in your reality then your reality becomes difficult and so does theirs.
In other words, if you're not willing to listen and learn and ask questions and even be open to being wrong then what ends up happening is your reality becomes very difficult or at least parts of it do unless you're with like -minded people all the time that can happen to you can be with like -minded people all the time and then when you finally meet that person that's not like you there can be a challenge so in this case the person who wrote to me said that her husband has been narcissistic and selfish and I didn't even read you the whole letter but the whole thing was that maybe he's changed that was her
hope maybe he's changed she said that I was thinking about leaving and he wasn't paying the bills but now he's paying some bills and he finally got a job and he's starting to pay a few bills but not much he brings me flowers occasionally which he never did before do you think it's possible he's changed that's her question and maybe he's matured maybe he's gotten wiser like I was saying earlier maybe he's grown out of this narcissistic personality disorder or has he just gotten better at the acting, she's asking.
She did ask, I don't know if I should leave or not.
Is he getting more mature?
Is he growing out of this?
The answer is probably no, he's not.
I don't like to give you bad news, but that could be exactly what's happening.
Now, I don't know if he was diagnosed.
If he wasn't diagnosed with NPD, maybe there's a chance.
At the beginning of her message, she said, I watched a documentary on narcissistic abuse and I feel that every single point they made hit dead on with what I'm experiencing.
But she added one line.
She said, other than the fact that they claim people with NPD have very little to no empathy, she didn't expand on that.
She didn't say at what point he had empathy if he did at all.
She just went on to say all this bad stuff he did, all this stuff that he did to her and made her feel isolated and controlled.
And so that would be the question I would want to know is has he shown empathy?
When you show empathy, you probably don't have a disorder.
You're probably just not wanting to be empathetic.
A person who mistreats you just wants what they want regardless of how you think and feel about it.
And when you are around somebody like that they are definitely not in empathy.
They are in self -entitlement and selfish behaviors and doing whatever they want again regardless of how you think or feel about it.
So her question to me is well he's seems to be improving here and there or is he just becoming a better actor and this leads to the main point I want to make with this person's email which is test the triggers.
If you think someone is changing and they have been hurtful before and they were hurtful for specific things that you did or said you might have to test those triggers to find out if they are no longer hurtful.
For example if you are with somebody who's extremely jealous you might have to test their jealousy.
That doesn't mean flirting or rubbing up against somebody you know it doesn't mean like extreme measures just the small stuff that you know is benign that used to trigger them hey I'm gonna go out with my friend and we might run into my ex what I don't want you going with your friend that might be what they say that or at least when they were jealous but maybe they don't show any signs of jealousy anymore because they don't mention it and you don't bring it up you know let's just say it's about jealousy if you don't bring it up because you're afraid of you know of reaction and they don't bring
it up because they want to show you that hey I'm no longer jealous so don't leave me.
This could be an act.
They may not show any of those behaviors a because you're not doing the things that used to trigger them and B because if they show them there's a chance that you'd leave them.
So where is the trigger then?
There's no trigger.
How do we know if trigger is gone you have to test it and when you test it be nonchalant.
I'm going to go out with my friends and we might run into my ex. I don't know if that's gonna happen but I'm looking forward to having a good time.
What do they say? What do they do?
How do they react? You know somebody who's working on the triggers is probably gonna say, oh you know that used to really upset me and I think I still have some feelings about it but you know have a good time.
You know I'm just insecure I'm just trying to figure this stuff out if they even share that with you I'm not saying they have to someone who's healed is gonna be like have a great time love you bye well hopefully it's more feeling than that but somebody who's healed isn't gonna think twice why because they trust you they care about you someone who trusts and cares about you isn't gonna have jealous thoughts because they feel secure inside themselves and they trust you and they know that there's nothing to worry about, or at least they don't spend their time worrying about it because they have chosen
to trust you. Jealousy is mostly about trust, it's insecurity too of course.
Fear of being alone, fear of being abandoned, it has insecurities within it, but jealousy is really about trust. Majority of it and the reason I say that is because if you trusted somebody 100 % even if the other person came onto them you trust the person you're with so much you know 100 % that's all of it that is all your trust because you trust at 100 % you know that even if the other person came onto them there would be no problem if somebody came onto me while I was out First, I'd be flattered.
Second, I'd say, I'm happily married and I'm very grateful and I'm very appreciative.
Again, flattered but, I'm happily married.
Now, should I say, no, I'm not looking at other women.
I'm not looking to be with anyone else.
So stay away from me because if my wife was jealous, maybe she would to say that?
Well what did you tell her?
I told her I was happily married.
That's all? That's all you told her?
What am I supposed to say?
I'm happily married.
Well what if you were single?
What if I was single?
Should I just ignore these advances?
I mean I don't know.
I'd have to talk to her and figure out what was going on and see if I liked her.
Oh so you did have an interest in her.
I hate jealousy. I used to be jealous not that bad but I used to have jealous feelings.
I used to be insecure because I didn't trust the person that I was with.
If I trusted her 100 % it wouldn't be an issue, but if I didn't it would be an issue.
And of course when you're insecure, when you are afraid of being abandoned or rejected or any of those insecure feelings that you might have not been able to heal yet, you know might not have grown out, grown out of yet or grown through yet that can interfere, and that can amplify any types of jealous feelings that you have causing you to trust the person even less.
And I know it's a cocktail of insecurities and mistrust that can happen for sure.
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But let's just say that I was dealing with a jealous partner, and my wife is jealous or she gets jealous and we've had issues about it before and I've never done anything to show her there was any reason to be jealous but because of her insecurities and her lack of or at least not having a 100 % trust and faith in me, which could equate to not having 100 % faith or trust in men in general, and any partner that she has in her life.
That could be it. I'm just grouped in with that because that's what happens to like I don't trust men in general.
That could be in there, but here we are as a couple.
And I want to know that I am 100 % trusted.
I want to be in a relationship with somebody who trusts me 100 percent because that's how I feel most comfortable most safe that's how I can trust back it's all part of this cycle of a healthy relationship in balance in a relationship if she didn't trust me or she only trusted me like 75 percent and I trusted her a hundred percent I'm gonna feel that imbalance you feel it you go forward with that imbalance and there's always something it's always something that is out of out of whack with the relationship and it's going to come up in different ways.
So again coming back to the testing the triggers let's just say that she was a jealous person and she healed and she feels good and I even said things that told her that you're the one for me and I made her feel or at least did my best to make her feel secure in the relationship understanding that she may have may have felt insecure so I did all that stuff and now we're in a good place and then I come home one day and I say hey somebody tried to come on to me can you believe it and there's the test right what is she gonna say what is she gonna do because this used to be a problem well aren't you
riling things up that doesn't need to be riled up Paul it's possible but I want to know that that's gone I want to know that those insecurities and that jealousy is gone I don't want it to be a part of our relationship so I might have to test this trigger and in this case I'm not doing it intentionally well I sort of am I'm not looking for people to come on to me and then come home to talk about it but I do want to know if it's okay to talk openly about what happens to me in life I want to know if it's okay to share these things with the person that I'm supposed to be spending the rest of my life
with. I want to know.
So yeah, it's sort of a test. This is sort of a test. You know we had this jealousy issue before which she's never been jealous.
But let's just say we did and I wanted to find out where she was with it.
Okay this happened to me today and I'm gonna come home and I'm gonna tell her about it.
Hey honey, how are you?
Guess what happened today?
You'll never believe it.
This person came up to me and started flirting with me.
And I felt awkward at first, and then I felt flattered, and then I felt weird because she wouldn't stop and I told her, hey, look, it's really nice talking to you.
I got to go. And she wanted my number.
And it was weird because I didn't know what to say.
I just said, look, I'm married, and I'm happy about that.
And I would wait for her reaction.
Maybe, and this is probably what would happen today, maybe they should say, Oh my God, that's so funny.
You're like 54. Maybe she'll say that, or maybe she'll say really, are you serious?
What happened? Tell me the details.
You'd be like gossip to her.
Or maybe if she had this jealousy problem, something would happen inside of her.
Like, Oh, really? Wow.
That used to really tick me off, but you came home and told me about it.
It sounds like you were able to handle it well and I feel really good about that.
I feel good about that.
Maybe it was the first time she really had to face that again since she healed.
So that could be an approach. And of course, when you test the trigger, you might get the trigger.
You might get what?
Who was this person?
How old were they? What did they look like?
Were they prettier than me?
I'm exaggerating, but maybe this really happens were they prettier than me were they younger do they drive a nice car the whatever and so I would have to deal with it now that's a good test for sure you don't want to have to go through it but that's kind of where I'm pushing anyone that's in any type of relationship or they say the other person's over it over these certain things or they're not so triggered anymore and okay if that's true you might have to test the trigger yeah but we're getting along so great why would I do that again you don't have you don't the manifested out of thin air you
just express yourself as if you were in a fully secure relationship where you both trusted each other 100 % because that's how you should feel in a relationship in my opinion you should feel like you can trust the other person 100 % oh you're going on a business trip with your Your boss?
Really? How long? What?
Two weeks? Wow! Okay, well, enjoy yourself.
Please call me and I guess I'll see you when you come back.
It might be a little uncomfortable, but where's the trigger if it's not there, it's not there.
But if it's there you'll know it.
And so you may want to test these things to make sure they're not still in there because anyone who improves, especially this person in a row, anyone who improves after being every check box that makes up narcissistic personality disorder is highly suspect.
Highly suspect. I didn't even mention the flowers.
This woman said that her husband started bringing home flowers for her.
Now he brings me flowers.
Why would somebody start doing that who's never done it before?
I don't want to make anyone paranoid but this is an unusual behavior for somebody who hasn't done that.
Maybe he's being apologetic.
I don't know. Is he happier when he does it.
Does he bring it because he feels bad?
That's the question, right?
Is he bringing me flowers because he feels bad for how he treated me?
I think I'd want to know the answer.
I'd want to know the answer to that.
If I were in that situation and my partner started bringing me flowers, I would ask, what are these for?
You've never done this before, what are these for?
And if they said, it's just because I love you, I'd be like, no, something's going on, this is not you, this is not right.
I'd want to know. I'd want to hear a heartfelt comment or I'd want them to say specifically what these flowers are because there's a specific reason that somebody does that.
And that reason could be I was out I saw the flowers I thought of you I love you and I wanted to bring them home that could be but that's more of a healthy type of relationship thing somebody who's been narcissistically abusive for years suddenly bringing you flowers that's just highly suspect and again I hate to say that because maybe there is some genuineness in his his his behaviors right now but I would want to know I would want to know I would want to find out why did you know what were you thinking when you bought these I don't like the generic answer because I love you and you're the greatest
and you're so wonderful and I don't like that generic answer in this type of relationship I like it in a healthy relationship but I don't like the generic I love you you're the greatest or whatever they say to compliment you I don't like that because that's not addressing what has happened for the last decade or more doesn't address anything it's just suddenly you're nice to me what else is making you happy who else is making you happy I don't like to put these seeds in anyone's mind if it's not happening I don't wanna have you walking around in paranoia but you've already been doing that this person who wrote
you have you already been doing that for over a decade, I think you said yeah you said I've been with my partner for ten years and there were other things I didn't even read in this message but this is the point where you have to be suspicious somebody who suddenly changes who was hurtful and abusive for years and years and years and suddenly changes, you have to be suspicious.
You have to wonder where this comes from.
My wife, when she was married before, she always knew something was up when he started treating her nice.
Isn't that just a sad situation that you know something's wrong if somebody's treating you right?
You know something's wrong if somebody's treating you with respect and kindness?
That should not be the way anyone has to think in any relationship.
It should not be that way.
And so she knew something was wrong every time she got flowers, or every time he bought her a gift, or he was happy and said, what can I do for you?
I'll wash the dishes, I'll clean the house, something's up, because this isn't who he is.
He's normally a - X, Y, Z, a jerk, or pushy, or intimidating, or whatever.
And so when he acted nice that gave her a clue.
So that's why I'm suspect that's why the person who wrote to me I'm suspect about what's going on there.
My personal opinion is that it's very unlikely that he has changed and you should test the triggers.
Figure it out. You'll figure it out very soon because you'll see that old personality come out.
I'm not saying you have to push him to I'm not saying that it has to come out in any exaggerated way.
I'm just saying, you know, the things that you still upset him, the things that he used to do, you might have to introduce that, you know, piece by piece and find out where he is with it.
Because if the old behaviors come out, you'll have your answer.
And let me just disclaim this because people were right to me and say, why did you tell her to do that?
What if he hurts her?
What if he smacks her?
Yeah, absolutely. 100%.
If you know you're in a dangerous situation or you believe there could be a physical violence of any sort of course Protect yourself create an escape plan.
If you're with somebody violent, you don't want to be with somebody violent You don't want to be in that situation.
You want to not test those triggers And I hope that's clear to anyone that's in that situation.
You don't want to do that with somebody who's dangerous So I'm gonna get right into another message here I'm just gonna read you a couple lines or at least one line this person said you know the the podcast I just listened to blew me away it felt like you were describing the relationship that my husband and I have had for the last 30 years.
This is regarding an episode I did, I forget a while back.
They said my years of suffering have ended and now I can emotionally distance myself when he has his usual outburst because he's frustrated about his work or health or whatever annoys him throughout the day.
I told you I was gonna read one line I'm reading more it's unpleasant of course but I feel no longer responsible for soothing him.
Oh yeah, so that's one of the lines I want to read.
Yes, when somebody is upset and they get angry at you and you don't know what to do about it so you soothe them what you're doing is saying it's okay to be upset at me.
It's okay to be angry at me.
Yeah I I do remember talking about this not too long ago where when somebody is blowing off steam, they're venting, and you just want to give them space to do that instead of trying to soothe them.
That way you don't get involved in their drama.
You don't want to get in the trauma of their drama because it becomes traumatic to you.
So how do you avoid getting sucked into that?
If somebody is really upset, you might just have to let them be upset, let them work it out.
and then later you can say, hey anything I can do for you, something like that.
I forget specifically what they're talking about but there was one line in this e -mail that I wanted to read.
This person I think contemplated leaving the relationship just like this other person on the first segment.
And they said something that I may have said in the past. I don't know if I said this in the past but if I did, I'm going to correct it.
I don't know if I said this specifically but the line that they wrote, I'd rather be with the devil I know than the devil I don't.
They said what a phrase.
For the time being I'm not going to leave, I'm going to stick around because of that line.
I'd rather be with a devil I know than the devil I don't.
I don't.. if I said that, I misspoke honestly because here's the thing, when you are with the devil you know, It doesn't mean that you'll be with somebody that you know Somebody that might be hurtful to you that you know as opposed to being with somebody else That you don't so if I have ever used that phrase in any way I'd rather be with the devil I know than the devil I don't It was definitely I can't imagine that I did if I did quote me on it send it to me because that is Not what I believe at least after all this time working with people working with couples I don't endorse being with the devil you
know versus the devil you don't.
And maybe this person that isn't saying that I said those words they're just saying the phrase.
So I didn't get clarity on that.
But just in case I ever said that my belief is I would rather be with no one than the devil I know.
That's how I look at things.
I would rather be with no one Then the devil, because I don't wanna be with somebody that hurts me, I would rather be with no one.
So I'd rather be with the devil I know than the devil I don't, I don't wanna take that away from the person who wrote, because they're in a different situation, in a difficult situation.
They can't just up and leave, they've got a child and they've got some other things going on.
So this isn't necessarily for that person.
I just saw that phrase and I asked myself, did I ever say that?
I don't remember saying that and if I did, I need to correct that.
It's not about being with the devil you know or the devil you don't, it's about either being with the devil or not.
I'm just using the word devil as a generic term for somebody that is toxic, dysfunctional, hurtful, and you're not happy with them.
My main point with this is that I don't want you to go forward thinking that at least I know this devil as opposed to another devil that I don't and what I want to make sure of with this phrase specifically is that you don't think that it will be just as bad with another devil but at least I'm comfortable in my discomfort here because I know what to expect.
I think that there's another devil out there that you don't know then what ends up happening is it gives you less incentive and motivation to leave if that's your plan.
If you plan on leaving somebody and you tell yourself well at least it's better than somebody else that I don't know what might happen at least I know this person's behavior and what they're gonna say to me then it might de -incentivize you to do anything about your current situation.
So that's my only point here.
I don't again... I don't necessarily apply it to the person who wrote to me because they have something else going on and I'm very grateful they shared this and they were thanking me for what they learned in the other episode and I just wanted to make sure that to the person who wrote and to anyone that needs to hear this make sure you stay focused and make decisions based on the quote devil you know because the devil you don't may not even exist and that's my only point I just don't want to deter you from making other decisions because you may think that there's something else out there that will be
just as bad but because I know this level of bad and I don't know that level of bad, I mean, you're putting yourself in what's called a double -bind.
You're screwed either way.
Whatever decision you make, it's bad news, and that's not how I want you to move forward. So if the person who wrote doesn't see this as bad news, and sees it as an incentive to continue until they're ready to leave if that's their goal, then more power to you.
I don't talk you out of that.
If that gives you the motivation and continues to make you feel good inside that you're taking the right steps, do what works.
Absolutely. But if you're thinking, yeah, there's really no reason to leave because I could get into another situation with another person that will be hurtful, dysfunctional or toxic, then you know, I can take my time or whatever.
And I'm not saying you can't take your time, I'm just saying don't allow that to permeate and and float around in your beautiful mind and beautiful heart because I don't want anything to stop you from going after what you deserve and what is going to make you happy and going to fulfill your heart.
That's my message for you today.
Thank you so much for listening and tuning in for another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I wanna thank Ken, who surprisingly sent me, I think another donation, Ken.
I am very grateful for you.
I don't know exactly what you're hearing me say, but you said in your message Thank you so much. Paul your podcast seems to come around just when I need them Thank you Ken.
I am super grateful and humbled by your generosity And thank you to all the patrons who give on a monthly basis All of you are just again so generous and I am deeply touched Thank you patrons And if you find value in the show like the patrons do and like Ken does and you want to give back head over to moretob .com and there are options to do that over there.
Thank you again and I'm gonna read you a quick message somebody wrote and said this podcast and love and abuse has really helped me more than I can ever put into words.
I'm not the type of person that goes to a therapist and talks and I don't want to hear the question how does that make you feel?
I know how I feel, I want somebody to help me sort it out and that's what this podcast does.
You really helped save me last year when I was at the lowest point of my life and I needed to sort my thoughts and thank you for that.
Now I am wow flabbergasted, thank you so much for that review that was very kind of you to say that and I didn't read this on the air to make you think I'm the greatest because I'm gonna give you the contrast to that one.
Somebody wrote and said they gave me one star Or this other person said, annoying voice and incredibly rude discussing how he slammed the door in someone's face.
I'm not interested in your daily life tuning in for the show, not your life.
That was the review.
Everyone has a right to their opinion.
I want to thank first the person who was very nice to me.
I'm pretty grateful and I'm so glad my show has helped you.
other podcast, do love and abuse.
And I also want to thank the person who took the time to say that I had an annoying voice, and I was incredibly rude for slamming the door in someone's face and how they're not interested in my daily life.
That's fine, too. You know, I'm okay with that.
If you haven't heard, I talked about a solicitor that came to the door.
I didn't slam it in their face.
Although I may have said that I actually said, I'm not interested or something like that.
Or did you read the sign, no soliciting and, um, I said, did you read the sign it says no soliciting?
And they said, oh, uh, and then I said, thanks for stopping by, you know, something like that.
And I, I shut the door.
I didn't go, wow. I just shut it.
And I felt bad about it.
I did. I honestly felt bad.
I actually Reflected on that moment and told myself Hey, you know, you could have handled that differently.
You could have handled that better and I felt bad and I still feel a little bad for doing that They know you see solicitor after solicitor knocking on your door over and over again.
It gets to you. That's what happened It's just like the signs down there Why?
I mean you have to climb these stairs to get to our front door.
Why are you not seeing this and taking all this effort and energy to get up to our front door when the sign is pretty clear I thought, but maybe not.
And maybe I should be, um, more willing to believe that they didn't see the sign and more gracious and courteous when they knock on my door for the fifth time this month, different people.
Not their fault. You know, different people.
They don't know who else showed up at my door.
So anyway, I told that story on the air and I don't know why this person took it so personally, I mean I'm actually revealing that I shouldn't have done that.
I didn't just do it and say, aha, I win, I'm in control, get out of my face, it wasn't like that at all.
If I did say that then he has every right to say you're so rude You're right.
I'm so rude, but then somebody might say maybe him the solicitor didn't know that I was still kind enough.
I was still I'm not gonna explain it.
It's not it's not worth it But I wanted to read the reviews and I wanted to give you the highs and the lows.
I receive all of them.
And fortunately I don't receive too many negative reviews, but when they happen I like to read them on the air.
This is who you're this is who you're listening to.
This is what people think of who you're listening to about that.
There's a life story for you.
I'm gonna come on the air and tell you when I'm wrong.
I'm gonna come on here and tell you what I did because I teach that.
I teach honesty. I teach authenticity.
I teach that you're gonna make mistakes and sometimes you just have to apologize and move forward and sometimes you have to reflect on it because you can't apologize to the person because they're not here anymore and then you feel bad about it and you have to work on that and you have to deal with it and you have to process it and then do what I like to do which is pay it forward positively Because that's exactly what I did.
There's another solicitor that came to our house And instead of pushing them away and saying didn't you read the sign?
Which is not the way I acted before I was firm and assertive before but this time I said, okay I'm not gonna be that guy.
I'm gonna open the door and say, what can I do for you and Whatever happens happens and it turned out it wasn't a solicitor.
It was our neighbor So I didn't have to slam the door in anyone's face and I wasn't gonna anyway but it was just an interesting experiment because It was a test This ties it all in right This person was testing my trigger and they didn't even know they were doing it my trigger is having the door getting knocked on several times a month and And not wanting any of these services, not wanting to take that survey because it's political, not wanting to do any of this stuff, and I'll call you if I need you.
That was my mindset.
And now it's OK, you know, these people are hard at work, they're canvassing the neighborhood, and they're probably getting paid minimum wage or whatever.
And even if none of that was true, someone's knocking on your door.
of the door just find out what it is and if you don't want to deal with it say no thank you.
So that was my test somebody came to the door I said this is my opportunity to pay it forward positively.
That's sort of my philosophy if I screwed up in the past I'm going to pay it forward positively and so I answered the door and oh it was just our neighbor good thing I didn't open the door and say what do you want jerk?
I learn and I did learn so I want to thank those people for writing those reviews even the mean one well I guess they weren't mean maybe they were just upset that I was mean probably what happened anyway for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship you can listen to my other podcast called love and abuse I talk about emotional abuse control and manipulation over there that's the that's the kind of relationships that are really in the weeds so if you're in that situation head over there to loveandabuse .com and if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship I have a program
that helps a lot of people heal over at healedbeing .com and that's where I'm going to give you the step -by -step guidance and support you need to stop doing that to people that you're supposed to love and care about and support and if you are having trouble doing that I'm gonna help you over there healedbeing .com and with all of that always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
Be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all and this is something that I I absolutely know to be true about you.
You are amazing.
