Hello and welcome back to advice session a series here on anything goes where you send in your current dilemmas or
Anything you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice
Today's topic is body image and self-love
A tough one
Listen, I already told you that my advice is unprofessional
So hopefully you're going into this taking my advice with a grain of salt
but I ask you today to take my advice with an even larger grain of salt because
Out of all the topics I've ever discussed on advice session. This is
My most challenging subject personally
This is the area that I think I struggle with the most on a personal level
This is the area that I think I have things the least figured out
so I'm almost hesitant to give advice in some ways because I
I
Like has any of my own personal advice worked on me
Mmm. Yes and no, right?
But I think this is such a big challenge for majority of people
especially now with the internet here I go again blaming everything on the internet
but we live in a very complex time when it comes to body image because of the internet and because of
technologies that have been developed to
Allow us to alter our bodies either digitally or physically in the real world
We live in a very complicated time and it's harder than ever. I would say to
Accept oneself for who they are. I
Think we've always compared ourselves to others probably since humans were created
But I think it's progressively gotten more
or challenging to accept oneself as
Technology has developed. I feel like with every technological advancement
It becomes harder to accept oneself for who they are
Especially one's physical body and listen, I've come a long way, you know, I would say my body image challenges started
at around 10 or 11 when I started to compare myself to my cousins and
The girls at school and I would compare
My body to theirs and then when I got social media
It got so much worse it got so much worse
exposure to
infinite images and videos of
women with the
stereotypical perfect face and body was absolutely detrimental to my development
And I think many of you can probably relate because many of you grew up at the same time that I did
when all this stuff was very new and
yeah, we're kind of the first generation to grow up with the internet and
seeing infinite images of
stereotypically beautiful people on a daily basis during the developmental years can't be good can't be good and it's
Caused me to
put value in my physical appearance
more than is healthy since a very young age and
It's manifested in so many different ways over the course of my life a
Lot of those ways being very unhealthy and so I understand this challenge
More deeply than most challenges because this one's very personal to me
And so I'm gonna I'm gonna take a stab at giving you advice
But you can do what you want with it and as always
Take it with a massive grain of salt because I still don't have it all figured out
although I will say I've learned a lot since
my challenges with body image started as a
Teenager and so maybe my advice is phenomenal. We'll see we'll find out together
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Somebody said how do I love myself? I have never been able to truly love myself and feel it deep down
Despite trying for so long and listening to so much advice. I
Think we have to manage our expectations for what it feels like
to love ourselves
because to me it sounds like
You're looking for a feeling that you've maybe never felt before and I wonder if the reason why you feel like
You don't love yourself and you've never loved yourself and despite trying
You've just never gotten there. Maybe isn't because you're actually failing at loving yourself
But rather maybe you're looking for the wrong feeling. Let me explain
I'll compare it to how I expected
success in my life to feel
when I was younger I
expected to arrive at a certain place in my life where I've succeeded and I
expected that feeling to be different than anything I had ever felt before and I really became fascinated with
What success would feel like when I started making YouTube videos and they started
succeeding people were watching them and I was beginning to make money and
I began to wonder what's it gonna feel like when I'm actually successful at this if I'm actually successful at this
what is it gonna feel like and I
expected to feel something
euphoric when I reached a level of success that to me
Felt like I don't know my northern star like I I
I expected Nirvana
Euphoria I expected a feeling I've never felt before and
What I found was that feeling never came and when I talked to many other people who have reached their goals in their career
They say the same thing. There is no such feeling you never
Get to a place where you experience the feeling of success that you expect because that feeling doesn't exist
And I think it's the same thing with self-love where if you expect this
Overwhelming passionate love for oneself
You might be expecting a feeling that doesn't exist now if you're searching for a feeling that doesn't exist
You'll be met with so much disappointment that you can't even decipher if you are loving yourself
Or if you have gotten to a healthy point where you do love yourself because you're so
distracted by
searching for this intense feeling that
You can't even see that you're already there in a way because I don't really know for sure
What deeply and truly loving oneself feels like I can't I can't put a finger on that
I don't really know what that feels like. I don't know if I've ever fully
Gotten there myself, but I know that I've been close before and I think it's far more subtle than you would expect. I
Don't think it's euphoric. I don't think it's nirvana. I think it's small subtle things. I think it's
Easily forgiving yourself when you make a mistake. I think it's accepting yourself inside and out while still being aware of your flaws and
Understanding that you're flawed. It's having that balanced
view of yourself
That's almost in a way neutral like I'm aware of where I'm flawed and I want to work on fixing it and I love myself enough
to
motivate myself to fix these things but I'm also aware of my strong suits and I can appreciate those things about myself
It's not letting people treat you badly and easily being able to walk away and say I don't need these people see these are
Very powerful very important things and these are all things that I think come with finding love for oneself
But none of those things are particularly euphoric, you know
And so I think the first thing I would recommend is
Figure out what you think self-love even looks like because if you don't have
Something to shoot for then you're just kind of shooting into into the air
There's nothing to shoot out. You're not gonna hit your goal if you don't know where you're shooting at now
There's also a chance that you do know what self-love feels like you have a
Rational and valid idea of what it looks like and you just truly have struggled to get there
And maybe you've received bad advice over the years or advice. That's really challenging to stick to that's also a possibility
And in that case my advice is simple
Weirdly, I think I love myself the most
When I'm the least focused on myself in a lot of ways now one of the guests that I've had on
I wish I could remember who it was. I'm forgetting who said it
I remember it so vividly, but I cannot remember who said it in
interview guests that I had on this show
said that
fulfillment comes from taking the attention off of oneself and
Sort of putting it out into the world helping others
Enjoying things outside of oneself enjoying art enjoying music like just kind of getting the attention off of oneself
Ironically enough. I really do think that that helps with loving oneself because I think when we're hyper focused on ourselves
We tend to pick ourselves apart and I think
relieving that by putting our energy outward can be really
Healing and can really help us gain perspective so that when we do look inward again
inevitably and we must
it's not as frequent we're not able to obsess as much because
That's not all that we're focusing on and we're entering into a phase of self-reflection in a way that I don't know it's
It's more
rational because
It's not all that we're doing
But I think sort of stemming off of that like putting our energy outward
I find that I love myself the most when I feel like I'm being a good person
and I say this a lot and I know I sound like a broken record, but I found that majority of self-esteem issues and
self-love issues
stem from not feeling like we're good people deep down and
That might not necessarily be true. We might be great people
but we could always be better and I think working towards being a better person whether that's
being more helpful or doing something small but charitable or something big but charitable or
Treating people more generously like whatever it may be
Working towards becoming a better person can really help with self-love as well because it is a constant reminder
If we live a life of trying to improve and be better
It's a constant reminder life our life is a constant reminder that we are good people deserving of love
That really is helpful for me. But last but not least I also think too that we can get into
cycles of negative self-talk and
We can develop these negative mantras about ourselves that we repeat in our head over and over and over again until they almost become true and
I also think it's important to pay attention to those
voices in our head and what they're saying about us and
question them as they come up and
Try to diffuse them one by one as they come up over the course of the next
Month six months year watch them come up and either prove them wrong or make a plan to prove them wrong
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Somebody said how to actually know your worth and not just say you do
This is a really interesting really interesting sort of dilemma
Because I do think that a lot of times we say that we know our worth
We're like no, I won't do that because I know my worth and a lot of times I feel like we're behaving in such a way
less from our internal beliefs and more to
posture ourselves
Societally to like prove a point, but we're not really like we're not it's like we're not making
The choice to do something or not to do something based on what we actually think our worth is but rather
We're deciding what our worth is based on what other people say their worth is
Do you know what I'm saying like oh, she wouldn't do that because she says that she's worth more than that
Well, I guess I shouldn't do that either because I don't know
I want to be worthy of things that are great as well
And if she wouldn't do it then I shouldn't do it or if she did do that then I should do that or I'm just that's just an example
But that's why that dilemma is interesting to me because I do think a lot of times we
Almost pretend to know our worth, but we don't even really know what that means to us
And I think that the answer is far simpler than we think I
Think that the only person who can determine your worth is you and so I'd like to believe that
We can determine our own worth. So if your question is how to actually know your worth and not just say you do
You need to create it you need to fucking open up a
Notebook and write down your worth figure out what that means to you because I really do think that it is of our own creation
There's no there's no other way to find out
We determine our own worth
Now obviously we must be rational, right? Like it's not healthy to be like
I'm worth the most in the world like I I don't know like it's that's
You want to be rational about it, but I think other than that it's really up to you
And I think that's why it's so hard to determine at times because it's all in your control
No one should be telling you what your worth is anyway, and if they are
That to me is a red flag unless they're
Telling you that your worth similar to what you believe your worth if that makes sense like if they're
Reassuring your worth in a way that's positive. I think that's great
but for the most part I feel like people should not be interfering with that because it's kind of
None of their business they don't
It's up to you to set the bar. I would say to know it is to create it yourself
Next somebody said how do I maintain a positive mindset when it pertains to body image?
And then somebody else said how to overcome feeling insecure about yourself slash image
Well
My first piece of advice is not shocking to returning listeners of this podcast
My first piece of advice is to get off social media as much as possible
Now again, I always give this advice not saying you need to delete everything off your phone
I always give this advice knowing that almost all of us will continue to go on the internet to go on social media
It's very challenging to live without however
There's a healthy balance and there's an unhealthy balance and most of us
I would argue have an unhealthy balance where we're on social media far too much to a point where
We believe that social media is real life completely therefore
We compare ourselves to things on social media as though their real life
We're aware of everything that's going on on social media at all times
And we believe that that impacts our life when in reality it doesn't like if your friend is on
On vacation in Europe that has nothing to do with you. You seeing that doesn't impact your life
And I mean if you want to see that and you're excited to see that great
But like the influx of information that's pointless and useless becomes our reality if that's all we're consuming
And we're not connected to the real world
That we can touch and feel you know, I
Really truly do believe that when someone is struggling with their body image the first thing that they should do is
Go on a little social media cleanse. Maybe it's a week. Maybe it's a month. Maybe it's six months
That's up to you. That's for you to decide
But I think the first step is breaking the social media addiction cycle because for me personally
When I'm on social media all the time my body image plummets
I feel horrible about myself because all day I'm seeing people who look
50 times better than me in my opinion now
I'm aware that because I'm somebody that also posts on social media
There's a chance that I make somebody feel bad about themselves and that they're comparing themselves to me
That is the nature of the beast and in the same goes for you
Anyone who posts on social media is feeding that beast now
I think when one is in a good place mentally they can look at things online and
Appreciate them and not compare themselves. I do think that that's possible for some people
But if you're in a particularly bad place with your body image
There's no way that you can
fend off the comparisons you just can't and I think that it's a critical starting point to
Get off of social media so you can stop comparing yourself
To others and also comparing yourself to potentially something that's not even real listen. We already know this
We've been through this a trillion times. This is not new to us
But we cannot deny the way that social media even
even subconsciously
impacts our body image
Now once the social media piece of it is handled there's still more to do right
That's not enough for some of us for some of us it is like
It depends but for a lot of us it is not enough and there's still more work to be done
I would say my second piece of advice would be to try to convince yourself to the best of your ability
Even though it's going to be challenging that your value is elsewhere
Your value as a human being has nothing to do with your physical body now. It's hard to believe that
When societally there are rewards for looking a certain way, you know, they're at times
There are definitely rewards for looking a certain way
There's definitely praise that comes with looking looking a certain way
However, what you must remember is that at the end of the day, none of that fucking matters if you're not a good person
What type of person you are will always always shine through in the end. That's really all that matters and especially, you know
looks and
Appearance is mainly is rewarded for the most part online. Don't get me wrong. It happens in person as well
however
Person personality will always almost always win over the room at the end of the day when you're on your deathbed not to be
Morbid here, but when you're dying
It's not gonna matter that you were beautiful
Stereotypically in the eyes of society. It just doesn't it does not matter
But you being a good person and you doing good things for the world in small way it can be small
It can be big it doesn't matter but doing good for the world in one way or another
It can be that in the tiniest ways, but it doesn't matter having a good
impact on the world that is what matters and
That is where your value is and I think that if you can slowly but surely teach yourself
That that is where your value lies and you can prove to yourself over time that that's what matters most
Eventually you can set yourself free because when your values in your body image
You put so much pressure on it and so much focus on it that a lot of times you expect more out of it
Then is even humanly possible if you're obsessed with your body image
It's almost impossible to have a positive mindset about it
But when you can kind of let it go and realize that your worth is elsewhere
You can finally reach a positive place and a positive mindset with your body image
It's setting it free in a way, but I also do think that there is something to be said for
Taking care of your mind in body in all ways obviously I just discussed
you know taking care of your mind by
Slowly but surely teaching yourself that your value goes far beyond your physical body
But I will say that taking care of yourself
Physically to the best of your ability in a way that's comfortable and enjoyable for you
Can also really help with your body image
It doesn't necessarily have anything to do directly with the way that your body looks even but there's something about
Taking good care of yourself in all ways
mentally physically
Spiritually etc that can help you accept all areas of your being
When you're taking proper care of yourself
There's something about that that just empowers you and helps you with insecurity and helps you with your with your mindset
And I don't know it's that's that's also very helpful as well
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Somebody said how do I get in good shape while still trying to love myself and my body?
well, I think
Number one it can be helpful to sort of change your goal in a way
Instead of saying I'm trying to get in good shape so that I can look a certain way
Change the goal to being I'm trying to get into good shape so that I can run two miles in
15 minutes. I think it's much healthier to make
physical goals about
physical accomplishments like I want to be able to squat 200 pounds
I want to be able to do this full 20 minute ab workout YouTube video without taking a break like
Instead of making the goal. I want to look a certain way. I want to weigh a certain amount
Shift the goal to being I want to be able to do a hundred crunches
Without having to take a break. You see what I'm saying? I think psychologically. That's very helpful
it sort of takes the pressure off of your body image and
It allows you to handle the challenge of self-love separately. You see what I'm saying?
Somebody said how to deal with body image after gaining weight. I went from underweight to having a more normal weight
This is incredibly challenging for people who experience it. I understand I
know from experience that
Being underweight makes you so incredibly miserable
that your life your quality of life is
It's miserable your mental health suffers, I mean it's already suffering because you got to that place
Because you were suffering that is suffering in itself
But then on top of that when you're malnourished
You suffer even more mentally because when you're underfed and you're underweight your body is like freaking out
It's like the the brain is not being fueled well enough to produce happy chemicals like it's a fucking mess
Okay, so on top of you already being in distress
Which is why you got to the place that you're out in the first place now as a result of your actions
You're in even more mental pain. It's a miserable miserable way to live your week. You're tired
You feel sick all the time. It's a fucking nightmare
And so my greatest piece of advice because I know how challenging it is is to remember how
Truly unhappy you were because I think a lot of people think well if I get down to this certain weight
I'll finally be happy if you're underweight you will not be happy
No, trust me. It is not happy
You think it's gonna be you think that you're gonna finally unlock this level of happiness and you end up being met with
worse problems than you ever could have imagined and
So I think in moments when you're looking at yourself now at a healthy weight and struggling with it
Look at your body now healthy and repeat in your head
However many fucking times you need to that this body is a happier healthier body
This body doesn't feel sick all the time. This body doesn't feel tired all the time
This body can run three miles if it wants this body
You see what I'm saying?
There are so many things that you can't do when you're underweight
That you can do when you're at a healthy weight again and to remind yourself of those things is to
Reassure yourself that this is where you're supposed to be this is worth it
but I understand how challenging this is because you know a lot of times when we lose weight
Often even when we lose too much weight we can start receiving more compliments than we could before we can wear clothes that
We didn't feel comfortable wearing before and there it's not like it's all bad and that's why it's so challenging
Because we remember my dad always says this he says the rose we remember the thorns we forget
Do it that way you will but trust me there were thorns and you must remember those thorns
Even when you remember the rose, you know
Somebody said how to have motivation to better myself in my health. It's really hard for me
I think something that really helps is
Creating goals that you can actually
Accomplish like a lot of times we create goals for ourselves that are just fucking ridiculous like in the past
I've created goals for myself like I want to run a marathon and then it's like okay
no, I don't actually do you know what I'm saying like actually no, I don't and
Creating goals like that that I ultimately will not fulfill end up ruining my confidence and
Destroying my motivation to do anything else
Because I feel like a fuck up and I feel like a failure
And so I think the first step is to create goals that you can accomplish
Like start really small like tomorrow
I want to go for a walk for 20 minutes and I want to read a classic novel for 10 minutes
And I want to do that for a week those are pretty small goals
Starting there with something that you can accomplish easily helps you build your confidence in your motivation
To create bigger goals to create more ambitious goals because over time you'll prove to yourself
I can actually accomplish my goals as long as I set them
Rationally, you know, and I'm not like I'm gonna run a marathon tomorrow and I've never run before you see what I'm saying
And also I think too it's important to find ways to take care of ourselves
That are enjoyable so for example if you want to better yourself
mentally and you want to
learn different ways to I don't know like
Become mentally tougher or something
So maybe you have a few ideas you could go speak to a therapist
You could read a book about it. You could take an online course about it. You could
Watch an informational video about it. There are all these different options and you're like well
The most effective one is probably to do to read the book, but you're like, you know, I actually don't really like
Reading that much like I'm not in a reading phase. That's fine. Watch a video then instead. Do you get what I'm saying?
Like choose what will help you accomplish your goal in the way that's most enjoyable for you or
If you want to become well read you want to read more books
Don't pick books that other people like don't pick books because they're really famous and they're classic books
Pick a book that you want to read, you know what I'm saying?
If you want to read a classic book and that's intriguing to you then you should do that
But if that's not interesting to you then you should find something else that you want to read and over time your taste will change
And what you want to read will change and over the next few years you'll become well read
You see what I'm saying? We tend to put pressure on ourselves to do
The best thing first like oh, I want to become well read
I need to read only the most challenging classic books first. Oh, I want to run a marathon in a month
Okay, well, I need to run 11 miles tomorrow and start training that way tomorrow 11 miles no less tomorrow
Oh, you know, I want to learn how to be mentally tougher
I guess I need to read this book that's you know, this is gonna be the best option for me
Like this is the most effective you see what I'm saying like we can prevent ourselves from doing anything if we set our goals too high or
We set a goal that's
Grouchy aiding for us to complete that makes us miserable that we don't actually want to do those were really bad examples
So sorry about that somebody said I really want to work out but every time I do I feel like I'm dying five minutes in I
Included this because we've been talking about
Exercise a little bit in this
although I do think that exercise and body image though connected our separate things because I
think that exercise is
Is about it. It's not just about making you look a certain way. I
exercise often because for me it helps me so much with
various mental health challenges such as anxiety
Exercise also makes me feel stronger and healthier and just better like I just feel better when I'm exercising
So like that's why I exercise, you know, I mean, I think also there's of course part of me
That's like I would be lying if I said that there was no part of it that related to my body image because I think
Exercise does help me with my body image because I'm like I'm taking care of myself
I'm doing the best I can and body image is a never-ending battle and we're always
Fighting our demons in that area
But it does help with overall confidence and body image to know that I'm
Taking care of my body and I think that there is of course a part of me that does it to look a certain way as well
I'd be lying if I said that there wasn't any connect for me personally because there is
Even though I wish that there wasn't and I wish it was only about feeling good and taking care of my body
But I think so there is a connection there. It's complicated. Let's just say it's complicated
Anyway to answer the question. I really want to work out
But every time I do I feel like I'm dying five minutes in it sounds like you're not doing a workout
That's your level, you know, like there's a level of extra
I think exercise is ultimately the most enjoyable when it's a bit challenging
If it's too easy, then you don't feel the satisfaction. That's so delightful after a workout
However, if it's so uncomfortable that you can't complete a workout
It's probably just not on your level and it doesn't need to be that hard like I love walking
I think walking is such great exercise and I've
Listened to some science about it and it sounds like walking is very healthy, of course walking is very healthy
It actually some people argue it's healthier than running and I don't even want to get into that debate
And I am not a scientist and I don't know shit, so I'm not gonna say I'm not even gonna add in my two cents
however, I do enjoy running and walking I do both and
and
Running sucks and some days I cannot run and I really am hurting five minutes in and I'm like I can't do it
so then I walk and
I think that you should adopt that approach if something is so uncomfortable and miserable and
Challenging that you just can't even really do it properly
Make it a bit easier and it will still be effective
There are so many different workouts that are really challenging and really effective, but they're not as
strenuous, you know like
Walking is a great example
Pilates is kind of controversial, but I I do Pilates a few you know one to no
one to three times a week usually just once a week, but I do Pilates
That's a bit easier still very hard, but like and I'm challenged by it, but it's not like running like there's something about running
That's just oh
So hard you could do yoga you could there's so many things you could do
You don't need to feel like you're dying five minutes in you know
You can find a workout that matches your skill set that will be more sustainable
I think the best way to get into a consistent workout routine is to find one that you enjoy doing that's
Not so challenging that you're miserable. That's that's how it sticks anyway, and that actually makes it more effective long-term
And that's it
That is it for today you all I hope you all enjoyed this advice session if you did
I do advice sessions every few weeks so tune in to anything goes every Thursday and Sunday and
Listen to the other episodes stay tuned for the next advice session. It'll be coming out in a few weeks and
What else?
You can stream anything goes anywhere you get podcasts
Videos exclusively on Spotify though you can check out anything goes on social media at anything goes you can check out
Me on social media at Emma Chamberlain
You can check out my coffee company Chamberlain coffee at Chamberlain coffee on social media or
Chamberlain coffee comm if you want to go on the store locator see if we're in a store near you or order on
line
Thank you all for listening and hanging out
It's always a pleasure and a joy, and I love you
You're awesome. Thank you for listening and hanging out and I can't wait to talk to you soon. Yeah, I guess that's it
Okay, bye. Love you. Talk to you later. Talk to you later. Bye. You
