Hello and welcome to or welcome back to Trying to Seek Care.
If you're new here, my name is Ashley and I upload every single Monday.
We talk about friendships, we talk about relationships, navigating your 20s mental health, and I give you some big sister advice.
Specifically advice I wish I had in my teens and in my early 20s.
One thing in particular that I wish I knew earlier, I wish someone had told me, is that it's a blessing to be misunderstood.
If you're a people pleaser, you know how badly it hurts to feel like you've upset other people or that you annoy other people or people just don't like you, especially when you try really hard to make those people like you and make them understand you, but they just don't.
There's so much pressure to be understood.
You want everyone to get you to understand you, to understand where you're coming from, to understand why you're doing what you're doing.
Whenever you do upset someone Or they don't like you.
You feel like you have to explain yourself and you have to reason with people.
And it is exhausting.
It's exhausting trying to control how people perceive you.
Trying to make sure they don't get the wrong idea of you.
And I just wish I knew sooner that you simply cannot manage everyone's idea.
You can't manage their version of you in their head.
You really can't change people's minds about you.
They can only do that themselves.
And people will misunderstand you no matter what you do.
But it's not necessarily a bad thing.
Of course, it's frustrating, but there's also a reason why people don't understand you and that you should be very happy about.
I think it's fair to say that most people do not like to be misunderstood.
It's a very uncomfortable feeling.
But I think, especially when you're very opinionated, you're very outgoing, you're very creative, you're very emotional,
People have a very hard time digesting you.
You could be very polarizing.
I have always been an emotional person.
I feel things very deeply.
And I think when you tell people that you're an emotional person, their mind immediately jumps to you're always sad.
You're always crying.
And, of course, there's times that I am like.
There's times where I experience anxiety, sadness deeply, but i also experience all of the emotions deeply.
There's times where i'm angry and it is pure rage.
Or there's times where i'm happy and it feels electric, or when i love.
I love really, really hard And too much of anything people tend to not like.
So that's been something that's been really hard to navigate throughout my life, because when I'm having a good time it sometimes reads as I'm annoying.
Or if I'm really excited, it reads as I'm too much.
Or if I'm sad or if I'm angry, I'm being too dramatic.
And then people tend to retreat.
When you've been abandoned for just expressing yourself, especially more than once, you start to associate being authentic with being a problem.
You think the reason people don't like you is because of who you are, how you think, what you like, what you do, and it pushes you to feel like you need to edit yourself down to make yourself more digestible.
The people pleaser in you wants to change people's minds about you and you want people to like you.
But before you go changing everything about you to hopefully make yourself more attractive or more pleasing to others, ask yourself Do I even like the person that I'm about to change myself for?
Or do I just like the idea of them liking me?
When people dislike you or when people judge you, it can feel like a personal attack and make you feel like you're doing something wrong.
But the reality is not everyone's going to like you just like you don't like everyone.
It's not that you're doing anything wrong.
It's just the reason they don't get you is the same reason you don't get them.
We all have different upbringings.
We have different life experience, right?
Like I'm not going to be able to relate to Kylie Jenner.
And she's not going to be able to relate to me because we have been born into very different families.
Our finances differ heavily.
And something that she does might seem very out of touch to me, whereas she doesn't think that way at all because of how she's grown up, the people she surrounds herself with and the privilege that she has.
To her, it's nothing.
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Even on the smaller scale.
There was this one time where I was speaking to these girls about my experience growing up in my hometown and how I wasn't poor I'd say maybe like lower middle class, but I definitely struggled comparing myself to my more wealthier friends.
Like one time I was embarrassed opening my birthday presents in front of them, because My mom had bought me Kmart and they all wore Hollister and Abercrombie as their everyday wardrobe, whereas I had like one or two shirts I wore to death that I had to beg her for.
And I was sharing that with those girls just to give them an idea of like the difference between me and my friends.
And then one of the girls that I was talking to was like, oh my God, yeah, I totally relate.
Like all of the girls at my school had luxury cars and I had to show up to school with an old Range Rover.
And when she said that in the moment it felt very tone deaf because it felt like she was trying to relate to something that she just couldn't.
But now, looking back on that moment, to her that experience could have been just as bad or as difficult to navigate as mine, just as if someone were listening to my experience, thinking I sound privileged because they might not even have clothing or Kmart or Walmart might be a privilege to them to have.
It's hard to relate entirely to someone when you had a different upbringing or you have a whole different lifestyle.
It's nearly impossible to understand and get every single person, because we all have different opinions, different values, different interests.
It's as simple as someone trying to make you like country music when you just don't.
No matter how much you listen, it's not your jam.
It's like me trying to get someone to listen to Taylor Swift.
I'll be like, this is the song that's going to get you.
Like you're going to listen to the song and you're going to love her.
And then they listen and they're like, no, I still don't like her.
And to me, I'm like, how?
How is that possible?
Because I resonate so heavily with her lyrics and I have so much respect for her lyrics.
But to someone else, It's just a song.
It doesn't impact them the same way, no matter how hard they try.
That goes for anything.
There will be times where someone really upsets you and they just do not understand why you feel the way that you do.
And you can explain over and over again why you feel the way that you do.
It's not the thing they did.
It's the principle.
You would never do that to them.
And they're like, okay, well, I wouldn't care if you did that to me.
So why are you so upset?
You don't understand how they don't understand.
But how could they, when you both view the world so differently and view relationships so differently, how could someone who lacks empathy, who has never put anyone else before themselves, who laughs at other people's expense, who steps on other people to get what they want, ever understand why you're hurting for someone else, why you're lending a hand to someone else, why you're sticking up for someone else?
To you, it's the bare minimum.
It's the right thing to do.
It's just what you do to be a good person.
But to them, it feels like a chore.
It feels like they're losing something because they're putting someone else before themselves.
And that's just who they are.
They have a different set of morals.
They have an entirely different look at life.
And that's not something that you can reason with.
You can explain over and over again why you do what you do and why you think what you think and why you think this is right versus wrong.
But if they don't see it that way, they're never going to understand.
And you might be objectively right.
But you can't reason with unreasonable or you can't make someone get you who doesn't want to or could never get you.
But that is the blessing.
We get so hung up over people not liking us or people having a problem with us or us upsetting people.
But why would you want someone who has such different values than you, who would do the opposite of you every time, who you would rip your hair out if you spent more than 10 minutes with them to like you?
Really think about that?
What does that person have in common with you where they would relate to you, where they would be like wow, i love you.
Wow, i want to be your friend.
I want to follow you on social media.
Wow, you're my role model.
Why would you want to be the role model of someone who does everything that you're against?
Or maybe you're someone who has chosen an unconventional path and The people around you are being judgmental?
They don't understand why you didn't want to go to college, why you didn't want to get that business job, why you're pursuing a creative endeavor.
And it's really weighing on you because you feel like a failure and you feel like you're upsetting all these people and you're doing something wrong.
Ask yourself, why do I care about others' opinions?
If you wouldn't trade places with them, why do you care?
Would you want to be doing the job that they're doing?
Would you want to follow the path that they're on?
Clearly not because you've chosen your path.
You don't understand why they're doing what they're doing.
You don't have the same mindset as them.
You don't relate to them.
So why does it matter they don't understand you?
You should be happy that they don't understand you, because it separates the two of you and it shows your individuality.
People value different things and because of that, you're not always going to make sense to them.
You know, a lot of our parents did things very traditionally.
So seeing you go off and do things completely different makes no sense to them.
To them, it seems like you're off your rocker and you're being very irresponsible.
Your friends who really enjoy going out and partying might think you staying in to prioritize self-improvement is really lame.
Someone who values stability is going to question someone who doesn't want to settle down and is very carefree.
That's not to say that people who choose a different path are doing something wrong or something right.
The person who stays in isn't better or worse than someone who goes out.
The thing that will help you greatly with caring so much about what other people think and wanting to please everyone, is having gratitude for the fact that some people just don't get you.
Anytime someone criticizes you or criticizes what you're doing, it's just a reminder of what you don't want versus what you do want.
Instead of getting all worked up over this person judging you, who is living an entirely different life than you, be okay with it.
Thank them.
They are reaffirming all the reasons... why you're doing what you're doing.
Like if someone came to me judging me and I wouldn't trade places with them, I would see that as a compliment.
I don't want to live your life and you seem so bothered by what I'm doing.
So I must be on the right path separating myself from that life that I don't want.
It is such a blessing to not understand a mind that you don't want to possess.
It is such a blessing to not understand a life that you don't want to live.
It's also important to realize that people only understand things through their own experience.
Just like how Kylie Jenner would not be able to grasp why I think something she did was out of touch.
She can't understand it because she's never lived the life that I've lived.
She's going based off her own experience.
She physically cannot put herself in my shoes because she wouldn't even know where to start.
Or let's say that you're upset because your friends are hanging out without you.
You weren't invited to plans.
And you express to them that it hurt your feelings because you would never do that to them.
You would never purposefully go out of your way to not invite someone.
But they just don't understand why you're upset.
And they're calling you dramatic.
They're calling you needy.
They're calling you emotional.
First of all, they're not good friends, because no friend should immediately start insulting you when you express discomfort or sadness.
But two.
Part of the reason they're responding that way is probably because they've never experienced what you're experiencing right now.
I had a friend who would do this to me often and she really had no remorse for leaving me out.
And it became very clear that she did not understand how painful it was to be excluded, because she never had been excluded.
She was always that friend that everyone wanted to hang out with.
Everyone was making plans around her.
She was just very popular.
And some people unfortunately cannot sympathize with you or understand you unless they've gone through the same thing as you.
People don't always see you for who you are.
They see you through who they are and what they've gone through.
With that being said.
Instead of watering yourself down or trying to mold yourself into what you think people will want, just be who you want to be.
And the people who see you, the people who have gone through similar things as you, the people who feel the same way as you, the people who relate to you, will get you right away.
When you meet your people, things won't require constant explanation.
You won't need to defend your thinking or your actions because they immediately get it.
I can post a video on TikTok and someone from my hometown might look at it and be like why is she posting that?
Who does she think she is?
She's so embarrassing.
But someone who has similar interests as me, who's also interested in posting content online, is going to look at that same exact video, but through a different lens.
I remember when I first started posting on TikTok, like really posting on TikTok back in 2020, I was posting my dancing videos.
And this guy from my hometown had come up to me and he was like I saw your little TikToks like those are something like.
Aren't you embarrassed?
And when he said that to me, I was embarrassed and I started to minimize myself and over explain myself.
But looking back at that moment, it's so clear that he just doesn't care to post on social media, or he thinks it's embarrassing to post on social media, or maybe he was projecting and he wishes he could have, but he was scared to.
Whatever his reasoning was for treating me the way he did, regardless of that, His mindset did not match mine.
There's no reason for me to try to change his mind about me or try to make him appreciate what I'm doing.
You don't need to do that and you won't have to at all for the people who just get you.
You're never going to be too much or too annoying or too needy or too emotional for the people who get you and understand why you feel the way that you do.
Some people might listen to my podcast and write it off as just some girl who's complaining or who's too emotional or too negative.
And I've gotten that before.
I remember there was one specific review that I got that someone said that.
And they said, all I do is complain.
And it hurt my feelings.
But I mean, I can see where they're coming from.
I see their perspective.
But I also like to think that I'm sharing my own experiences and hopefully helping other people.
But like, even right there, that's me trying to explain myself and defend myself.
You don't have to do that.
I don't have to do that.
The people who get me and have been through what I've been through aren't going to have that point of view.
They're going to hear me and they're going to understand me, and I'm not going to have to explain myself over and over again of why I'm doing what I'm doing.
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When you have those shared experiences and those shared values, you will naturally understand each other.
You won't need to defend yourself constantly for the choices that you make or the way that you choose to live your life.
You won't need to defend your personality to people who think you're too much.
And again, why would you want to be around someone who thinks your personality is annoying?
Wouldn't you want to spend time with people who share the same energy, the same interest and think you're fun instead of bothersome?
Instead of getting so worked up over the people who don't understand you, remove their access to you and make room for the right people.
You know the friend who just gets why something hurt you, not having to explain the semantics of it.
The friend who supports your unconventional path or your creative endeavors.
The friend who shares your humor or your empathy or ambition.
Life is so much more enjoyable when you not only have someone who naturally gets you, but you have someone to enjoy these things with or bond over things with, or just someone who makes you feel less alone.
Being liked by everyone often means you're not being authentic to yourself, because you can't be everything for everyone.
It's like if you hung out with one friend today and you were like, oh my God, I love Taylor Swift.
But then the next day you meet some stranger and you bond over the fact that you hate her.
You made both of those people happy.
They probably both feel understood, but you are being fake to one of them.
I was the most liked and I had the most friends when I watered myself down and went along with whatever anyone else thought or said or wanted to do.
People love when others are easy and agreeable and down for whatever.
But it's not realistic to be that person all the time.
Of course, there's times where I'm down for a good time.
I'm understanding.
I go with the flow.
I can bite my tongue.
But there's a time and a place and I don't want to be that person all the time.
And you shouldn't have to be.
You shouldn't have to hide how you really feel or what you believe in or what you want to do to make others enjoy your presence.
If you are living your life authentically, you're doing what you want to do, without pressure from anyone else.
You're making your own decisions and people judge you or question you or try to make you feel like what you're doing is wrong.
They are doing you a favor.
People misunderstanding you, whether that's on purpose or not, naturally filters people out and it keeps incompatible people away.
If you state an opinion and someone wildly disagrees and they make that known, that is super helpful for letting you know that's not someone you want to talk to about that certain thing.
If you make it known how you stand politically and someone's coming at you saying they disagree and they dislike you because of that viewpoint, Sure it's frustrating and your immediate reaction might be like how stupid is this person?
How could they think that way?
But they are showing themselves to you and they're showing that they are not the kind of person you want to surround yourself with.
Having someone attack you for the way that you live your life may be annoying and you may want to defend yourself.
But what's even more annoying is doing that.
It's annoying to constantly defend yourself or explain why you feel the way that you do or why you did XYZ, especially to people who, more than likely, are never going to get it.
There is so much freedom in letting people think what they want and not feeling the need to try to make everyone happy or correcting every assumption made about you, or defending yourself and defending your decisions.
There is so much more peace in letting people think what they want or view you how they want.
Rather than editing yourself for people who have already decided who you are or what they think about you.
They've already created a version of you in their head based on how they do or do not relate to you.
And that's not your responsibility to correct.
Your responsibility is to show up as you for those who are looking for you.
There are so many people out there who feel misunderstood in the way that you do.
I mean before starting this podcast.
I felt deeply misunderstood and I would have never known that other people shared the same experiences as me or felt the same things as me if I didn't take a leap and start posting.
Now I know that I'm not alone, but I would have constantly felt lonely, trying to fit into spaces with people who simply did not understand me, if I didn't decide to show up as myself authentically.
The goal in life isn't to be understood by everyone.
That's not realistic.
The goal is to be understood by the right people and to understand yourself.
And it gets much easier to do that when you let go of the idea that you need to be perceived perfectly by everyone you know.
Some people will never see you the way that you wish they did.
They may misjudge you.
They may show distaste for you.
But it's not your job to change their minds or open their minds to thinking the way that you do.
All you can do is be yourself and let your actions speak.
And, over time, the right people will find you and they will understand you in the way that you're yearning so badly for right now.
Before I close this out, I want to finish it off with giving you some journal prompts that go with the episode.
That will help you deconstruct why you care so much about what others think and help you redirect your attention from people who don't understand you to those who do.
So here they are.
Who in my life do I try hardest to impress or gain approval from and why?
What parts of myself have I watered down in the past to make others comfortable?
Which values do I refuse to compromise on even if others disagree?
When have I felt truly seen or understood by someone?
And then what kinds of environments make me feel most accepted and authentic?
You can do all of these at once or you can pick one to do each week.
I've done these myself and it was really helpful in dissecting why it hurts so much to be misunderstood by people, even people that i don't necessarily care for.
It also helped unpack some things that i thought i healed, but clearly i didn't.
You know self-limiting beliefs, all that jazz, And I also just think.
Anytime when you're feeling icky, it's really easy to focus on the negative in any aspect of your life, whether it's things that you don't want, people that you don't like.
You just become so hyper-focused on it and you end up ignoring all the good things that you have going for you.
So doing these helped remind me all the people who do understand me, who make me feel validated, and that are like-minded and just people that I really love and appreciate to be around.
So I hope that these journal prompts also help you.
As always, feel free to share them in the Spotify comments if that's something that you feel comfortable with.
You can share them with me on Instagram.
My Instagram and TikTok are linked in the show notes.
If you're not following me already, make sure to follow me because I'm very active on social media.
And if you haven't rated, Try Not To Care, make sure to do so, because it really helps me out and I appreciate it so much.
I hope this episode helped you.
I hope you enjoyed it.
And if you did, I hope that you come back next Monday for another episode of Try Not To Care.
I will talk to you next Monday.
Bye.
