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Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here back for another episode.
Today we are talking about a much requested topic and one that I think is highly personally relevant to me, understanding and overcoming our social anxiety.
When we think about our 20s there are a few generally universal experiences I think we can all agree on and worrying about the opinions of others being very self -critical, concerned about whether we've embarrassed ourselves, our past mistakes, the times we've overshared or said the wrong thing.
That is definitely one of them.
It's definitely a common thing that haunts us and keeps us up at night.
There are so many experiences like this that I think live in our head rent free, taking up the space that we perhaps could be using for other things, but also causing us to avoid certain situations or events out of fear of that really physical and emotional even mental discomfort.
And it can be really hard to wrangle with those thoughts and wrangle with that anxiety and bring it back into our control.
This is particularly the case because as we know our brains are hardwired to seek the approval and the safety of others.
So when we think that perhaps we've done something that is wrong or we've done something that could be seen as awkward or cause us to be rejected or perceived negatively, our minds automatically set off an alarm system and it triggers a fear response that we come to know as social anxiety.
And people feel this in so many areas of their lives when it comes to making new friends, to dating, job interviews, to lowering their inhibitions in front of new people.
And I want you to know that you are not alone in that experience.
I think any type of anxiety can cause us to feel very solitary and isolated because the only person whose reality we really understand is our own.
So we tend to be hyper critical and hyper fixated on our interpretation of an event rather than our objective reality, one in which most people really aren't looking at us that closely.
We are all very much selfish beings who spend a lot of time ruminating on our faults, wondering who may be thinking about us when no one is because we're all in the same boat.
So today I really want to discuss some of the ways that we can control our social anxiety or at least understand it better and make peace with those feelings and not let them hold us back from the joy, the excitement, the surprises of our 20s.
We are going to examine why we feel socially anxious and what actually is perhaps a deeper social phobia.
Where does that fear come from?
We'll also look at the major cognitive distortions that try and convince us that we are awkward, that we are embarrassing or socially inept and why those distortions are false.
There is also such an interesting relationship between overthinking perfectionism and social anxiety that is rarely discussed and I think it relates to a lot of people that I speak to and also my own situation as well.
So how can we use that understanding, use that broader knowledge of our social anxiety to reclaim our authenticity, to not live in that shadow of someone else's opinion or our perception of someone else's opinion of us?
There is so much to cover as someone who still remembers every embarrassing thing that has happened to me since I was a child, the time I tripped and fell in front of the stairs of someone I really liked or the time I got really drunk at a work event and said weird things to my boss.
I'm here with you but I also have some of the psychology and the hidden explanations and also the advice for why we all feel this way sometimes and why it is not only natural but something that we can come to learn to control.
So all of that and more without further ado let us get into the psychology behind our social anxiety.
Every single one of us is going to experience occasional moments of embarrassment, of cringe, of anxiety around social interactions, wondering whether we overshared, whether we said something we don't remember, did that person like me and all of those things are I think very common things that I've
experienced myself, things that have sometimes really got in the way of me connecting with people deeply or feeling like I wanted to kind of curl up into a ball and hide away and never speak to anyone ever again.
I think that occasional hyper focus on our ability to be perceived and therefore to be judged feels like one that is quite a heavy burden to bear but also one that is felt by quite a few people out there.
A part of these experiences and the feelings of being self -conscious or over analyzing a social situation from time to time is really normal despite it being uncomfortable.
This reaction is a function of our environment and our evolution and simply put historically our survival was dependent on group acceptance.
We needed to be part of the tribe for things like food, shelter and security and if we were outcast it was essentially a bit of a death sentence.
So this necessitated an innate recognition of the opinions and the perspective of the group and also our reputation within it.
So when we act in a way that we think brings attention to us or could put us on the out or garner negativity or rejection, what that triggers is a lot of fear or anxiety that is highly instinctual.
That uncomfortable feeling, that sense of social anxiety is meant to protect us as annoying as it is.
It's meant to warn us not to do that again and provide an emotionally salient experience that will keep us in line and that evolutionary instinct that has come from a place of survival, it has lingered with us and it continues to create situations and feelings that make us feel uncomfortable, that make
us question our worth and question whether other people like us, what their judgments of us are.
There's a really tough story to make, but it's really about being embarrassed or self -conscious and a genuine diagnosable social anxiety disorder, otherwise known as a social phobia and really the distinction here is based on severity and frequency.
So social anxiety disorder is definitely not uncommon, it's actually the third most common mental health condition behind depression and substance use disorders and the most common form of anxiety.
So it impacts between I think like six to ten percent depending on your estimates of people worldwide and those numbers are huge.
What this says is that almost one in ten of us are walking around with an intense discomfort and even fear towards social situations and inherent to that is this worry of being judged, of being humiliated, of being outcast because we really do care about the opinions of others even when we try not to.
And what this can lead us to do is to avoid certain situations where we might be forced with, you know, forced to interact with people we don't know or maybe, you know, situations where we don't know what to say, where we're uncomfortable, unprepared, perhaps we kind of have to stand alone in the corner
of the party like waiting and awkwardly looking around for someone you know, literally the worst feeling ever.
But this social anxiety, especially when it's linked to a social anxiety disorder, it causes us to be particularly fearful or anxious towards things like attending parties or social gatherings, going places where we don't know anyone and having to meet new people or start a conversation.
Another big one is things like public speaking or speaking up in public settings like in a classroom or during a work presentation and then in more extreme cases.
Some people can have such an intense cognitive and emotional reaction that they struggle doing things like eating or drinking in front of other people or using public spaces or public restrooms.
The main triggers are situations in which we acknowledge that we can be perceived and that something about our behavior might reveal these parts of us that we are convinced of but that we are trying to keep invisible.
Those parts of us that we don't like and we're worried what people will think if they see them that we are afraid that we are awkward that we have nothing to say and if people were to find out about this kind of secret side of us, we believe it would be the end of the world.
We believe that everything around us would come crumbling down and we respond to this possibility with anxiety and anxiety is essentially a fear response, particularly anticipatory anxiety where we project our fears onto a future situation in anticipation of an event or a situation that might leave
us feeling a bit unstable or a little bit uncertain and the logic, the kind of logic almost goes that if we can anticipate what might go wrong where we might miss step we can put a plan in place to be prepared for the worst case scenario and also our brain tells us that the easiest way to minimize the worst
case scenario is by avoidance.
If we actively avoid social situations we don't have to feel anxious and if our goal is to avoid anxiety then that is a very effective way of going about it but it's also unfortunately not very sustainable nor is it particularly healthy given that deep social connection and even casual everyday interaction is really
vital for maintaining our mood and our well -being.
Also whilst avoidance temporarily makes us feel better it just makes us more fearful in the future because we never give ourselves the opportunity to prove that nasty negative voice in our head wrong.
We really cannot shy away from our need for deep vulnerability and meaningful relationships but we're just worried about the judgments of others and because of that worry we never challenge the fear the fear maintains itself we find ourselves back at square one and you know everyone's going to have their
own thoughts sometimes people will not like you but I think very truly no one is thinking about you as much as you are thinking about yourself.
We are innately very egocentric creatures we are all too busy examining our own behavior thinking about what we need to have for dinner thinking about our to -do list thinking about our relationships the things that are bothering us to really judge others and we're talking more about that fallacy in a second
but the other way that our social anxiety can show up is through what we call post event rumination.
So this occurs when we are obsessively critical of our social performance or behavior following some event or interaction.
So post event rumination is when you find yourself really brooding overthinking every single gesture tonal change laugh interaction you might focus on on any of the mistakes you think you have made but you also may imagine scenarios that didn't happen like walking out of a room and people laughing at you
the moment that you left or being criticized or judged.
Often these ruminating thoughts this tendency will become part of a cycle that maintains our social anxiety by promoting that future avoidance.
You worry that you embarrassed yourself which causes you to run through every detail of the event to provide yourself with self -assurance but the more time you spend thinking about your behavior the more mistakes you see or the more mistakes you create and these are called false memories which can become
implanted in our mind when we repeatedly revise a memory when we repeatedly go back to it and that just causes us to unfortunately worry even more than we need to.
One situation where I see this a lot is after a night of heavy drinking where our social anxiety kind of combines with the after effects of alcohol and can cause us to spiral even further until you know you're promising yourself you'll never drink again or refusing to look at your phone wondering when someone
will text you to say how embarrassing you were or tell you something that you did this is because alcohol in particular activates some of those brain regions that are already being triggered by our social anxiety.
So experts have theorized that anxiety is related to using alcohol to overcome social anxiety so alcohol as a drug will initially help you feel better you will feel more relaxed you will feel more calm because it releases this neurotransmitter called GABA and GABA slows everything down and it lessens
the ability of our nerves to give and receive messages meaning less overthinking less inhibition less nerves but in the morning when the alcohol wears off our brains need to rebalance all the neurotransmitters working on our mind and so it releases this neurotransmitter called glutamate to kind of counterbalance
the excessive amount of GABA that the alcohol has triggered and glutamate does the opposite of gamma it excites our brain it spikes our anxiety and it also reactivates things like memory and cognition so that blissful calm and ignorance is gone and suddenly we are right back in the social anxiety spiral
except even more so now because we have this unbalanced kind of chemical pattern in our brain to deal with which is making us more susceptible to ruminating on those embarrassing moments and how we behaved in front of others despite it being highly highly likely that those people do not remember much
more than you do so why is it that other people's opinions take on so much importance in our lives well aside from that evolutionary explanation we offered earlier a lot of us develop what we call cognitive distortions whereby we see social situations as being more meaningful than they actually are and therefore
we generalize that our behavior in those situations should take on more importance we should examine them more closely it's interesting because as we spoke about before we are quite egocentric beings because the only person's reality we truly understand is our own and so we can't peer into someone else's
mind and confirm or deny their opinion of us we can't see ourselves the way others see us we have to rely on our own judgments which are often very skewed and that has two consequences for feeling socially anxious number one firstly because we never know what others are thinking this creates uncertainty
and that uncertainty causes us to catastrophize and to expect the worst because if we are prepared for the worst case scenario any other scenario won't be as terrifying even if we are horrifically rejected at least we're prepared for this at least that's what our anxiety has convinced us we are already
aware of that perception and it makes us feel like we can cope if that is actually the outcome secondly we have no context for how other people are feeling specifically how they're probably feeling the same way we think that it must just be us that we just must be the most awkward embarrassing person this stuff
never happens to other people everyone else has so much confidence because how can we confirm that others are feeling the same way or experiencing things as intensely as we are and so the experience becomes really isolating and sometimes talking about a particular situation in which we felt like we
have misstepped can actually sting even more so we bury this thought this negative reaction in overthinking and internalizing there's two other cognitive distortions that we are socially anxious people can fall into sometimes we see ourselves more negatively than we are in reality it's what we call
a negative self -concept where we think that our behavior must be so much worse than we imagined that what we said might actually be offensive and that we just didn't know it we have trouble seeing ourselves as good people as someone who is fun and who people want to be around and who people really do
like and i think if you're an anxious person you already are highly sensitive to social cues from others and if you have this baseline way of seeing yourself any tiny suggestion you pick up from someone's behavior will act to confirm your bias it will act to confirm this negative self -concept despite
it being real or not that person may have been having a really rough day they may be worrying about their own insecurities they may be just as anxious as you however you can't see those explanations because you have been misled by negative self -talk over analysis and your own self -perception of your
actions i think it's important to remember just because you feel anxious just because you feel awkward just because you feel embarrassed doesn't mean that those things are true your emotions are just your emotions your perceptions are just your perceptions they are not character descriptions they are not always
reality what you did is probably not as terrible as you think it was that thing you're remaining on or obsessing about it's unlikely anyone else even remembers it and also if a friend came to you with the same situation you would probably not think twice about it and you would see it very clearly from an objective
point of view and tell them you know it's not that bad it's not even close to being bad it's kind of all made up in your head and the same goes for the situation you're worried about a lot of what we take from a situation is not based on reality it's based on our opinion the second cognitive distortion is that everyone
is looking at you it links back to the above we are the center of our own universe and so we notice when people are focusing on us and we rarely remember those times when they weren't good news for us though is that the opinions of other people are fortunately none of our business and if they are spending
all that time we think they are judging talking considering our actions or our behavior that is causing more harm to them than it is causing us and really what's the worst thing their opinions can do if they decide to go on some reputational tirade or say something behind your back that looks a lot
worse on them than us especially if we stay true to our authenticity and our good nature and we kind of keep our head above the throw i also think we need to contemplate the following hypothetical can you remember the about their outfit something they said and how much time did you actually think about it
i'm guessing it couldn't have been for more than a few seconds maybe minutes because our brains are constantly thinking about the next thing we only have such limited cognitive space to plan our lives to worry about what our relationships are doing to worry about ourselves and that's really where everyone's
focus is going i think we need to remind ourselves that your social anxiety is lying to you but it's also trying to protect you by overgeneralizing by distorting your reality or magnifying what are very small moments as a valuable way to kind of keep you in check and counteracting those negative thoughts
when they pop into your mind is really important if you want to live the life you want to live if you want to live in your authenticity and make the most out of your social experiences so how do we do that how do we reclaim the narrative around how people choose to see us and why their opinion really
shouldn't matter as much as we think it does well we're going to talk about all of that and more after this short break you know i love having a cheeky drink with friends post work or a beer with dinner but this year i have committed to completing dry january to start the new year off fresh and to really
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at heineken .com you must be 21 plus to purchase enjoy heineken responsibly and good luck with dry january okay ladies when i said we came to play didn't i mean it this disney cruise got me feeling like a queen we can get massages at census spot have a meet and greet with black panther oh i love him
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discover learn more discover .com slash credit card based on the february 2024 nelson report amazon one medical presents painful thoughts i could catch anything sitting in this doctor's waiting room oh okay just wiped his runny nose on my jacket and the guy next to me sitting in a pool of perspiration insists
on sharing my armrest next time make an appointment with an amazon one medical provider there's no waiting and no sweaty guy amazon one medical health care just got less painful it always fascinates me how much we allow others to be fallible to be imperfect human beings how much we're willing to overlook
and laugh with them at their mistakes and hold off our judgment but we never give ourselves permission to do the same you know if our friend tells us something embarrassing that happened to them we don't feel it as deeply as they do because we can see it objectively but also we let them be those kinds
of people we enjoy that they are not perfect but we have to be perfect we always have to be on our best behavior we always have to be warm and charming and funny and so on so it's no surprise i think that many of us who are anxious in other ways also find that we have a relationship to you know to perfectionism
and also a relationship to a tendency to overthink there's been some really comprehensive studies on this correlation whereby highly perfectionistic individuals have an increased probability and level of social anxiety and on a very fundamental level that makes a lot of sense perfectionist individuals
tend to have extremely high personal standards and they critically evaluate every little mistake they make much like our social anxiety wanting to come up perfect in every situation perfectionism also causes us to set very unrealistic standards for our performance in every areas of life and whilst we
typically think of that in terms of things like academics and professional success our brains don't shut off that perfectionist part of us for one activity and keep it on for another so given our underlying inferiority and sense of inferiority as perfectionist and our tendency to view ourselves negatively
often what that also means is that we're going to criticize ourselves more harshly when we perceive we don't meet certain standards that are set by our society specifically when it comes to social situations and much like that avoidance we were talking about before often that comes out as if i don't
know how i'm going to be in this situation if i don't have a game plan if i'm not sure i may as well avoid it because in those situations they could provide an opportunity for me to be exposed and to feel shame and self -consciousness and that really mixes in with our social anxiety and it exacerbates
all of that awkwardness and avoidance that we discussed before and then there's the overthinking anyone who said the wrong thing or done something that they think was embarrassing in front of others will know the feeling of being haunted by that memory for weeks to come that like cringe when you're
like lying in bed and you remember that one time you did that one thing and it's like that is the entire universe at that moment that is all you can think about feeling the need to relive it again and again despite the sting is such a common experience it's like a wound that we won't let heal because we
fall into this faulty belief that if we contemplate this situation over and over again somehow we'll find some closure or the pain will lessen i always think about the metaphor of it's like glass being washed around in the sea that eventually comes sand you know if we keep washing over this memory in our
mind slowly will become smaller and smaller the more we force ourselves to feel our embarrassment the more we might become immune to it or maybe on the other hand we punish ourselves with it in order to prevent situations like the one we just lived through here's the truth though that tendency to overthink
will only further entrench that cycle of anticipatory anxiety avoidance post -event rumination and spiraling it's really difficult to feel like our social anxiety is under our control but also we're not aiming for the complete absence of those thoughts or to suppress those feelings entirely i think that would be
equally as maladaptive as social avoidance itself because some part of us does need to have that healthy level of perception of others feelings and how to respond to their social cues and receptiveness to other people to be socially adaptable humans but when we let that fear hold us back from genuine
connection or the possibility for connection because we are scared of what other people might think i really believe we miss out on a lot of the beautiful experiences and surprises in life even when sometimes they're a little bit uncomfortable so what we want to do is replace that perfectionism with authenticity
instead of being committed to impressing other people remain committed to behaving in alignment with who you are not what other people expect you to be so what does that look like authenticity is really our capacity to identify and be loyal to our true selves even the things we don't love to be comfortable
with the ways we're different regardless of all the things society and others and your social anxiety is going to say i think it's also about recognizing that we are incredibly multi -dimensional people there is no one else like us and our love for ourselves isn't dependent on someone else's acceptance
of who we believe we are and our true selves i think really at its core authenticity comes from a place of confidence even if that confidence isn't real even if we need to fake it till we make it for a while reinforcing though that it doesn't matter if other people don't like you because you like yourself
it doesn't matter if you make mistakes because mistakes make really good stories and it really doesn't matter if other people think you're weird or awkward because you know who you are their opinion is very much fleeting you don't have to engage with them if that's how they're going to choose to treat you
and you're going to choose to love those parts of you regardless you know if someone decides to make a snap judgment of your character based on one moment or one instant that says a lot more about them than it says about you really at the end of the day it says so much about their closed -mindedness
but also their insecurity that they're looking to minimize your acceptance of yourself to feel better about themselves are these reminders when implemented regularly in the face of socially anxious thoughts really recondition our brain to see social situations not as scary or deserving of a fear response
but as opportunities in which we can prove ourselves and further deepen our character this might still be accompanied by a little bit of anxiety that's normal that's totally natural to feel some nerves but the thing about anxiety is that it feels a lot like excitement and we can use our thoughts to
treat that feeling like energy and motivation rather than as something to fear you know tell yourself before an event before you need to meet new people that you're excited by that feeling that you're excited by the possibility and turn that churning stomach those sweaty palms all those physical symptoms
into a good feeling that is excitement not fear rather than one that can hold you back the other way to rewire our cognitive distortions particularly around the possibility of judgment from others is to use what i call the so what or the what next method so often when we encounter social anxiety if we
immediately jump to the worst case scenario and we let our brains catastrophize and view a situation is considerably worse than it actually is we really get stuck in that thought pattern when we catastrophize we relinquish control over our thoughts and over our lives so we need to realize that those
thoughts can be changed and that they might not be rational so think back to an experience that maybe caused you to cringey yourself and feel that shame for a second let's say you think someone you met didn't like you instead of feeling like that's the end of the world ask yourself so what and maybe
the answer to that is well if they didn't like me they might think that i'm a bad person so what so they may tell their friends so what so their friends weren't like me so what will the world end will you be completely outcast will you die will the worst case scenario happen because that's what your
brain's trying to tell you that this is somehow the worst thing to ever happen to you that it means more than it needs to but when you push back on that thinking when you ask that feeling so what so what if that's what happened you bring back that sense of control you realize that the outcome you think
will happen most likely won't and that it also will never be as bad as you think control that cognitive distortion try and recognize the ways that your brain is lying to you and finally treat your emotions as just friendly creatures trying to help you out like advice rather than truth because that's
really what they are all that worry and anxiety that we feel from time to time it may have come from a past situation where we were rejected or we felt excluded or disliked and that event probably really hurt but the thing is is that we survived it we're still here still breathing you're listening to
this episode but our brain likes to take those past events and apply them to what it thinks are similar scenarios to protect us however we can't predict the future our brain cannot do that just because something happened in the past doesn't increase the likelihood of it happening in the future and it
also does not say anything about who you are just like you are not your emotions you are also not your past so instead of thinking i'm embarrassing i'm awkward i'm cringe replace that with that situation made me feel anxious that situation was uncomfortable but that is just an emotion that is not who i
am i'm going to give you four final affirmations to repeat to yourselves when you find that you're maybe investing too much in other people's opinions or the fear of a future situation or what could go wrong number one no one is judging you as closely as you are judging yourself number two the opinions
of others do not determine your character number three you are never going to be criticized by someone who's doing better than you number four you are going to choose to be authentic over being perfect i know it can be hard to live with those thoughts of what if people don't like me what if i've humiliated
myself what if i say something wrong but really true freedom really does begin when we see that those thoughts are not going to change the outcome right it's just fear it's just fear and fear is just a feeling it's not the truth it's not your reality all you can do is kind of come to every situation with authenticity
confidence kindness towards other people and i think that most of the time that is reciprocated and once again if they don't like you that is such a disappointment for them that is such a loss because you are the type of person who will elevate their life the way that you elevate your own and those
around you and you are sure of that and you know that about yourself and you know that whatever they think about you that is not going to change that truth so i think that's all we have time for today a little brief episode on social anxiety and i hope that if this is something you're struggling with that you
learn some important skills but also a deeper knowledge of why this might be going on what kind of cognitive distortions are really causing this it's also something i deal with i totally understand what it feels like to sometimes almost feel sick thinking about having to interact with other people and really
worrying about how it's going to turn out but sometimes you just got to feel the fear and do it anyways that's something we say on the show all the time so hopefully that has resonated with you in some way or another as always if you enjoyed this episode please feel free to leave a five -star review
on apple podcast spotify wherever you're listening right now follow us on instagram at that psychology podcast if you have some thoughts on this episode if you have an episode suggestion if you just want to share what's on your mind i love building that community over there and hearing what's going
on in your lives and as always we will be back next week with another episode this year i've been really rethinking my relationship with alcohol and so i decided to commit to dry january to really kickstart 2025 and just test myself heineken 00 is the perfect companion for dry january because you feel
like you're still participating when you're out for friends out for drinks whilst you're still meeting your lifestyle goals i'm a big beer fan so i also love the taste of heineken 00 plus being alcohol free you can enjoy whenever refreshment calls heineken 00 is available at your local heineken retailer
or for delivery at heineken .com you must be 21 plus to purchase enjoy heineken responsibly and good luck with dry january please welcome aboard the johnson family the whole fam's here for the disney cruise so you know we came to play and listen the adults are gonna have a ball first we're chilling in the infinity
pool onto massages at census spa then gliding into star wars hyperspace lounge for a toast we're even going to kick back with mickey on disney's private eye that's how we get down because disney cruise line is where we came to play amazon one medical presents painful thoughts i could catch anything
sitting in this doctor's waiting room oh my kid just wiped his runny nose on my jacket and the guy next to me sitting in a pool of perspiration insists on sharing my armrest next time make an appointment with an amazon one medical provider there's no waiting and no sweaty amazon one medical health care just
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