This is the Business English Podcast, Episode 456. how to be polite in English when you need a quick answer.
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E. Hello, Lindsay. How are you? Good, Aubrey.
How's it going? Excellent. I have a question for you.
Okay. If someone is being long-winded and you're in a hurry, would you ever say, I just need a yes or no answer?
I would avoid that as much as I possibly could.
I really probably wouldn't say it. Because no matter what you do, people are going to hear that impatience in your voice, that irritation.
Right. Yes, we got this amazing question in our Q&A.
Someone asked, is it rude to say this, to say, I just need a yes or no answer?
So we're talking about this today and it's really fascinating because No matter what you couch this in, no matter how polite you try to say it, the actual meaning of that question, telling someone I just need a yes or a no. is rude, right?
Because it implies criticism of what they're saying, whether they're being too long winded or they didn't understand what you need in the first place.
Anyone you say that to will feel criticized.
Yep. This is what we're getting into today.
This is one of the subtler points of communication at work, right?
Especially in the workplace where it becomes very, very important the way you deliver that that question, that feedback.
So before we get any further in the episode, Listeners, don't forget to hit the follow button right here on Business English so you don't miss a single episode of our show.
Yes, absolutely. I'm so excited to dive into this.
It's interesting to think about Because we're all going to be in that situation at work.
We're in a hurry. we have a really long to do list.
We don't have time to, you know, hear all of the details about something and we just need a yes or no so we can move on and do what we're going to do.
It's tempting to say something like this.
And if we don't understand what's implied, the criticism that's implied, we could really hurt a connection with saying that.
You could break the relationship 100%, 100%.
So are there times when it is acceptable, Aubrey?
What should we know here? Yeah, I had to think about this because clearly we've all heard someone say this, right?
In court, you're going to hear it. Absolutely.
Attorneys might say, please just answer yes or no. when they're trying to get a yes or no answer and someone's trying to give all the explanation and the reasons. attorneys aren't worried about whether they're polite or not.
So you might hear this in court. Right.
Or when you're being funny or sarcastic.
If you ask someone if they want to go to lunch... or happy hour, for example, and they kind of give you a roundabout answer.
Oh, you know, my cousin's brother, blah, blah, blah.
You could say, okay, a simple yes or no would do.
And you are being sarcastic. You're being maybe a little self-deprecating.
Yeah, you're like me, right? You'd probably be kind of laughing as you said it.
Okay, a simple yes or no would do, right?
Yeah. You'll hear this sometimes among friends that someone will say this, and it's very clear that we're laughing, we're joking, we're being friendly and funny, right?
But in a business context. I would avoid it entirely.
Exactly. What else, Aubrey? Where do we go from here?
Did you check AI and see what AI had to say about this?
He did. Yeah, this is really interesting because when I was thinking I would avoid this phrase, I'm like, what? could we say instead?
Because we're going to be in those situations where we need to save time.
We need to maybe interrupt and let someone know what we need to say.
So I asked AI to give us some phrases that would be more polite. and it was not helpful.
One sentence was, could you just let me know with a quick yes or no?
You can see how AI is attempting to give us more polite phrasing to couch this in.
But because you're still asking for a simple yes or no, it's still very rude.
Yeah, the problem is the question. It's not the phrasing.
Could you? is perfect for being more polite.
And that's what AI is thinking here, right?
But when you're still saying just a yes or no, no matter what, that's criticizing. that the answer was too long-winded or they aren't answering your question directly, right?
And so then I asked, you know, how you can clarify, can you please provide more polite options?
And so then AI was trying to get more polite and said, could you please confirm with a simple yes or no?
So fascinating how this is still very rude, no matter how politely you try to ask it.
If you ask someone to... give you a yes or no when they aren't, right?
When they're being indirect with their answer, it will always be impolite.
Well, this answer kind of makes it worse because it kind of makes it it's the same level of rudeness. but it's making it feel more mechanical.
Because you're just changing confirm, right?
That's the only real thing you're changing here.
Fascinating. Sometimes the AI will do this, right?
It's making you sound more like a robot thinking like more like a robot. more professional, will be more polite, but AI doesn't realize that. that what's making this impolite is asking for a yes or a no.
Yeah. And eventually it will. We're getting there, but we're not quite there yet with this tool, for example.
What else, Aubrey? What else? Yeah, so this is interesting because AI wasn't helpful.
I tried to pen a couple of responses. I'm like, okay, what would I say if someone were being long-winded?
And I thought maybe I could say, sorry, I actually just need to know.
And then you could state what you need to know about, right?
So I'm not asking just a yes or a no. I'm clarifying or maybe, oh, I actually just need your opinion on and then share what you need your opinion about.
But then when I went to write the role plays, it was fascinating.
Like even these were rude. There was no situation where I could have that be polite.
So we have a really good pro tip after all of my research and working through this. that really it's better to just eliminate this entirely, this asking someone, for a yes or a no, regardless of how you ask it.
Yes. Yeah. Or what would be what else would be another option, Aubrey?
Well, so we're going to eliminate that entirely because... you can often infer the yes or no, right?
So all of the role plays I'm trying to come up with. whatever the person has been saying, even if they're giving you roundabout information, they're providing TMI. you will get a hint of a yes or a no.
And the more polite thing to do would be to sort of say like, okay, I feel like the answer is yes.
Is that right? Is much more polite. That's what I was going to ask you.
Is that what we should do here is confirm what you think you're hearing, right?
So I think I'm hearing X. Or I think it sounds like I'm hearing no.
And then just get a nod, try to get a nod or... move it along.
We'll see in the role plays here. Yes, we're going to give three options here. none of which are asking for a yes or no answer, but we'll see three ways.
And we're giving you The examples, the first one that's not as polite and then better options sometimes here.
Because here's a mini role play with the phrase, as I initially intended.
So you can see what I mean. And then I'm writing these role plays.
I'm like, wow, this still feels really rude.
Do you want to start us out, Lindsay? Yeah, here we go.
Would you like me to arrive early for the event?
Well, we're setting up at eight, but Tom, Marie and Jane will be there to help. we do have to set up tables and put up the posters and pick up all the prizes.
Sorry, I actually just need to know if you need me there early.
Yes. So this is where I'm like, okay, this would work.
You're not just asking, but right. But it still feels rude because you're criticizing what I did say, right?
I gave kind of too much information. I wasn't really answering your question.
So let's look at a better option if we eliminate all criticism of what i had said okay here's another one would you like me to arrive early for the event Well, we're setting up at 8, but Tom, Marie, and Jane will be there to help.
We do have to set up tables and put up the posters and pick up all the prizes.
Sorry to interrupt, but I have to run. It sounds like you're covered, so I won't plan on being there early, but let me know if that changes.
Okay, so I see what we're doing here. So instead of that phrase where I'm saying like, oh, I just need a yes or no or I actually just need to know if you need me there early instead of you're inferring from what I have shared what the answer would be.
And we might be, you don't have time. You're in a hurry.
You have to leave. Maybe your bus is right here right now.
Right. But we don't have to sacrifice being polite for being in a hurry.
This is the way that we could do it. Yeah, I like that.
That's interesting. It's still kind and respectful.
But it's also moving along because you need to move along with your day.
And you're getting your answer because you're confirming what you think you've heard, essentially.
Exactly. Yes. So we have three tips of three different things that you can do if you're in this situation.
If you need information, you're going to need to interrupt, you're going to need to stop someone maybe, there's three ways you can do it.
And our first one is to ask a clarification question.
Okay. All right. Should we show this in a role play too?
We have a lot of role plays today, Aubrey.
Yes, right. We have some mini role plays for each of this.
So if someone is providing like a roundabout answer.
You can interrupt and then just clarify.
Ask a clarification question. Want to start us out?
Yes. Did the quarterly report get sent to the client yesterday?
Well, I reviewed it again just to make sure everything was aligned with the updated metrics, and then I made a few minor tweaks to the formatting.
I was also double checking the numbers from finance because last quarter we had a couple discrepancies?
Sorry, sorry. I just just to clarify, has it been sent?
I just need to know the timing for when I should follow up with them.
Perfect. Right. I love this. So you're asking a clarification question.
You've gotten some information, but your question hasn't been answered.
You can't spend all day listening, right?
You can interrupt politely. And then it's also good to let them know why you're needing to interrupt, right?
And either if you're in a hurry or you just need to know timings, there's another deliverable, right?
This felt more human or respectful and we should do another episode on how to not be so long winded.
I think I'm guilty of this. I think I give people more context than they need sometimes.
I know, right? And a lot of these role plays were like sharing all this information and A lot of the onus would be on that first person, ideally.
Just answer the question. Did the quarterly report get sent?
And then you wouldn't put someone in this position of having to politely clarify and get that answer from you.
So maybe we'll do a whole other series in the future about how to be concise, right?
How to revisit that topic. Really important for connection, Aubrey.
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Okay, there is a second strategy that we're going to give our listeners today.
What is it, Aubrey? Yes, so you can say that you'll consider what they said.
So instead of insisting on a yes or a no or an opinion, Tell them that you'll consider what they did say.
Right. And you can also do this if needed.
Okay, let's show our listeners. All right, I think we should highlight the competitors' recent losses in our presentation.
That might really strengthen our case. Do you agree?
Hmm, I see where you're coming from. That might really resonate with the board.
There is a risk though. Fair point. I'll think about it and decide.
Okay, so then this is interesting. Or if the person... being asked should be the one making the final decision that would change things, right?
Then I might say, fair point. Let me know how you'd like me to proceed.
So it's interesting where sometimes The most polite thing you can do, the most respectful thing is instead of saying, okay, but I need an answer now. if they've given you some kind of information that should be considered either by you or by them.
The best thing might be to think about it and decide or give them time to think about Yeah, it's really helpful when people take on the responsibility of making a decision.
Decision making is exhausting. Right. And so saying that you're going to take that on and make that decision is helpful for the connection.
Yeah. Or if you feel like that's not your position, right? but what a worse option here would be if i said you know fair point I actually just need your opinion on whether or not you think we should include it.
I'm really torn. So here what I'm doing is insisting they make the decision now.
They've given me enough information to know that there's a reason that we don't have the answer right now.
So then it feels very rude and disrespectful to insist that they have that answer for me right now.
And dismissive in a way. You've dismissed what they've said that the reason it's taking a long time to know the answer.
It might seem like you weren't even listening.
Right. Right. Exactly. Exactly. Okay. What's the third way, Aubrey?
All right, so the third way is to accept what is inferred.
Sometimes someone will be saying something And there's an inference you can make, an assumption, an understanding you could have that they're not stating directly. but it's there for you to infer.
Okay. Here we go. Just checking. Have you sent the proposal to the client yet?
So I've been finalizing the last few numbers.
And I was also thinking about tweaking the intro section slightly. to better align with their latest feedback.
I was just about to send it, but then I got pulled into a call.
And now I'm rethinking whether we should hold off until legal takes a final look.
Gotcha. Love the idea of adjusting the intro and having legal take a final look.
Can you have that done and send it tomorrow, EOD, end of day?
Nice. So you can see here we have you're making an inference, right?
I don't have the answer for you, or clearly you're inferring that it hasn't been sent. to the client yet.
Maybe you need it to be sent right away.
So instead of saying, I just need a yes or a no, you can infer from my answer that it's a no, right?
I haven't sent it yet. I have all these reasons that I haven't sent it yet.
Yes. What would be a worse option, Aubrey?
Should we give an example? If I had said... Go ahead.
Sorry, I actually just need to know if you've sent it or not.
Oh, not good. Still rude, right? Yes. Yes.
If they've said something that implies that the answer is either yes or no, that's especially rude for you to say, look, I just need a yes or a no.
When it's like you can tell that it's a no from everything I've said to you.
For sure. This is so key. I mean, as a takeaway for today's episode, Aubrey, I think it's so important to understand this. in the workplace, you're kind of sharing the thinking burden with some someone else too.
Maybe if it's your superior and they're in charge of making decisions, You're sharing that decision-making burden with them, which is huge.
Yes, absolutely. Right. And if you cut someone off with a, I just need a yes or no answer.
There are so many ways that that could hurt the connection.
You're not helping share that decision burden.
You're not recognizing that there's probably a reason that they're not giving you a straight yes or no answer.
Right. So I definitely was interesting as I was thinking about this and doing this and what and. especially writing role plays, trying to think, would this ever be polite?
It just always will feel very critical. Yeah, another takeaway is be careful with AI because you will get pretty robotic responses, especially when you're playing around. ideas of politeness, respect, hierarchy, be really careful. when you're asking AI for help in that area.
This is interesting because AI could come up with more polite ways to start the question, but it wasn't able to recognize. the impoliteness, the rudeness inherent in asking for a yes or no.
Oh my gosh. And this question came out of our Q&A, which Aubrey, what is our weekly Q&A?
Who gets to go to that, by the way? Yes, this is for personal coach students.
So anytime you are in one of our courses, if you are a student of ours.
You can be in the course at the basic level or the personal coach level where you receive feedback from a teacher on your assignments.
And every week you're able to come to this Q&A and ask questions. about what you're learning in your course.
So amazing. The questions are always very intelligent and thoughtful.
I love hearing the questions students have every week. so fun.
Excellent. So guys come back to our website to check out our courses at allearsenglish.com.
All right. Good stuff today, Aubrey. Great question to answer.
And thank you to our student for asking this question.
It's such a good one for this show. show.
Absolutely. Thanks Lindsay. I'll see you next time.
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