This is the Business English Podcast. Don't be a doormat in business English.
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Hey Aubrey, what's happening in your world today?
Ooh, it's a busy day. Kids are in school.
I have a question for you, Lindsay. Okay, I'm ready.
I don't know if I know how you will answer this.
Would you consider yourself a doormat in any capacity, like personal life, at work?
No, I don't think so. I mean, do you think so?
I'm surprised that you don't know how I answer this.
No, I don't think I'm a doormat. I try to stand up for myself and push back as much as I can, but also balance that out with making people feel heard, making sure that I'm not running over people at the same time.
Right. So that makes sense. I see what you're saying.
I was sort of thinking it in a different way.
This is interesting because I'm such a peacemaker that often I end up kind of being a doormat because I'm wanting everyone else to be happy.
I'll let everyone else have their way. And I, you know, I'm like not push.
So yeah, I, sometimes I do consider myself and I don't want to be a doormat, but yeah.
And so I think of it not really as a negative thing.
I think of it more as like someone who's, who values compromise over, over getting what they want.
Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. But I think there is sort of this negative connotation to being a doormat that the average person is like, no, it's not good to be a doormat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And this could be fascinating across cultures too.
I'm actually really excited to see what our listeners think in their own cultures and countries.
But we did do our strengths finder and one of your strengths was woo, W-O-O.
I feel like that kind of meshes with this.
Right? If your strength is woo, you're probably a doormat.
Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if I go that far.
But it's true, you really value trying to be a peacemaker and help everyone get along.
And sometimes you sacrifice what you want or need for that, which is kind of being a doormat.
Well, yeah. I mean, I think, yeah, because the connotation is negative in my head, but I see how you're interpreting it a little more positively.
It also comes back to the Enneagram. Do you have, have you taken the Enneagram?
I don't think so. Yeah. because there is a type on the enneagram that's a peacemaker i think it's five i don't know anyways take the quiz i'm a type four which is okay the worst type the worst personality but maybe well it's interesting just to think about how extreme connotations are because doormat very negative connotation nobody wants to be called the doormat peacemaker that's a positive connotation what's the difference really is your That's a really good question.
The way I spun it, it's very similar. It's really interesting.
So I'm excited to get into this concept today.
And it's super cultural too. No question.
No question. So this actually came up in a recent episode.
If you guys missed it, it was 2085. You could just scroll up to hear it.
It was how English grammar and politeness go hand in hand.
And we were talking about the fine line between being polite and being a doormat.
And this came up and I was like, oh, and there are a lot of similar phrases that are really interesting in English.
Yeah. Yes, I love that. So guys, check out that episode over there.
Hit follow on that podcast, by the way, because you're going to need to go over to the All Ears English, hit the search bar, find it, and then hit follow while you're over there.
All right. Okay. Yes, absolutely. And so we're going to teach that idiom today, some examples about doormat and then two others that we use to basically mean the same thing or very similar.
Yeah. And before we get into these phrases, let's just talk about the concept broadly of kind of being a doormat or, well, these all kind of mean the same thing, right?
So do you have any examples of what we're talking about, Aubrey, maybe with your kids or, I don't know, in your life that would point to the peacemaking concept?
Yeah. Sure. Yeah, I could give examples every day, right?
Especially there are six of us. It's a pretty big family.
We have four kids, right? So one example, we went to go to a fall festival and there was a pretty cheap one nearby that was like not a long drive and But one of my daughters wanted a haunted corn maze.
So we ended up driving like an hour to one that's much more expensive to do the haunted corn maze.
Right. And I remember as we were paying to go, I'm like, I was kind of a doormat about this because I probably should have in the end been like, sorry, no, we're going to go to the close one that's cheaper.
Not every corn maze is haunted. It's okay.
Yeah. Interesting. Part of it's me. Yeah.
Wanting the kids to have fun and be happy.
And of course, it's really hard sometimes to like please everybody.
But when I can, I try to like, you know, I'll often choose what someone else wants before what I would want.
Yeah. Okay. yeah yeah that's interesting interesting well it's hard i mean you know hindsight is 20 20 and in the moment you just want your kids to be happy which is a good kind of reason positive yeah and not like i'm spoiling them and giving them everything right they want but if we're like what fall festival we should go to and they're like Can we do a haunted court?
Then I'm going to do everything I can to make that happen, right?
Yeah, I feel like maybe our understanding of this term is different because I'm not a mother yet and you are.
So there's a little bit of a difference around the peacemaking for me is not quite as important in my life as it might be in yours.
That is the context that we're coming at this from, even though we're both coming from American culture, right?
And American business culture. And it's interesting when I looked up the sort of the definition online, it did say a person who lets other people treat them badly.
So that's different than the way I'm, you know, and then it would say like people who don't stand up for themselves when they are being treated unfairly.
And that's different, right? So I was sort of thinking it more as like being a peacemaker, trying to make others happy, trying to accommodate others.
I'm trying to accommodate what everyone wants.
But really being a doormat is a little more extreme.
It's like if someone is being unkind or treating you badly, you don't stand up for yourself.
And in that way, I'm not a doormat. And you aren't either.
That's much more negative. No, no, no. So there's definitely some nuance.
And that's the cool thing about the English language, right?
Yeah. Sometimes we have personal interpretations of words based on our own lens on the world, which is pretty cool.
So that's part of connection, guys, is understanding that.
And with your coworkers in business English, what's their lens on that word?
And these words we're going to talk about.
It depends a lot on how you were raised and the culture you grew up in, because some cultures might really value like Even if someone is treating you badly, it's like Michelle Obama said, right?
When they go low, we go high. And some people appreciate that more, like always turning the other cheek and treating everyone very well, even if you're being treated badly, where others would feel like, I need to say something.
I need to stand up for myself. Yeah, that's interesting.
Right. Sure. It's a person. Yeah. And that's a great quote by the Obamas.
I love that. And by the way, on the Enneagram, it's type nine.
I'd be curious if you're a type nine. Creative, optimistic, supportive, but also sometimes too willing to go along with others to keep the peace.
They want everything to go smoothly and without conflict.
I don't even need to take the test. That sounds right.
All right. You got it. You got it. I'm a little skeptical of types and buckets and things, but it's always kind of fun, you know, to take those little quizzes.
So let's get into it, shall we? Yeah, let's do some of these. examples.
You might say, I'm not confrontational, but I also don't want to be a doormat.
And this is often how I'll hear this used in English where someone's saying, I don't want to be a doormat.
I don't want people to take advantage of me or to treat me badly.
So I know I need to stand up for myself.
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Yeah, super interesting. Here's another example.
Juan needs to stick up for himself when she treats him like that.
No one respects a doormat. Right. Everyone probably has a friend like this where you see either their significant other or maybe a family member or coworker treating them badly and they don't stick up for themselves.
They don't stand up for themselves. And it's true.
Often people will sort of lose respect for that person that just lets themselves be treated badly.
I know. And isn't it sad because it really should be the other person that we're losing respect for the person that's treating the person badly.
That's kind of messed up. It is kind of messed up.
I mean, probably we have less respect for both of them, but we also, it's like, we definitely respect someone more who does stand up for themselves and is that stronger personality.
Yeah, for sure. For sure. Okay. Second one.
What is this? So similar on the same concept, the same example that you shared with your kids.
What's the next one? Yeah, it's a really similar idiom.
We say letting people walk all over you.
Imagine like a doormat is that mat that's in front of your front door that you walk on in order to get into a house.
So this is very sort of the same meaning.
Like you are the doormat. You are letting people walk on you, walk all over you.
Yes. Yeah, for sure. So for example, don't let her walk all over you.
You need to stand up for yourself. Okay.
Yeah. Or I like to help my coworkers out, but sometimes I feel like they're walking all over me.
Yeah. Meaning like taking advantage of you.
Yeah, and I just want to reiterate how cultural this probably is.
Like, I'd be really curious to know if in different, in Japanese, for example, or in Portuguese, if we have the same translation, if it exists, it doesn't exist.
How is this looked at in your culture? Guys, maybe we'll put up a good poll question around this today.
We'll try to give a good poll question on this and see what we can get for answers from our listeners, Aubrey, right?
Yes, that would be awesome. Yeah. All right, next one.
Most common, I think. Yes. I kept wanting to say this and holding myself back because I knew it's the third term we're teaching.
It's pushover. And really, this is more what I was thinking of when I kept saying, I kind of am a doormat.
I'm a pushover. Like if one of my kids wants something, somebody else really cares, I will always back down regardless of what I want.
I'm a pushover. That's just accurate. Okay.
Got it. Got it. So yeah. So again, it's a pushover is a person who's easy to convince or influence.
Okay. So don't be such a pushover, right?
Share your opinion and stick to it. Yeah.
Go ahead. Well, I was going to say, this is interesting to think about it when people are having an argument or a discussion.
Like sometimes someone would be considered a pushover in the conversation and If instead of really being willing to share a controversial opinion, if they're just like, oh, yeah, okay, I agree, whatever you think, right, then they might be considered a pushover.
But to your credit, Aubrey, I think that there is some social intelligence in sometimes not always having, there's a time and a place to state your opinion.
And some people are too far in the other direction, right?
Where they just have to assert what they think, even if it feels completely tone deaf, even if it might make people feel bad.
There's a certain level of balance we need to find here to balance out what we, or choose not to share certain things around certain people, I think.
Absolutely. Yes, absolutely. We did an episode not that long ago.
I don't remember the number, but we talked about phrases like agree to disagree or all kinds of phrases when you don't agree, but you know it's not going to be constructive to have the argument.
You're not going to change anyone's mind.
What can you say? Yeah, because even though this is something that we praise in American culture in a massive way, there's also a lack of intelligence when we do it at the wrong time around the wrong people.
So keep that in mind too. So it's not the worst thing, you know?
Yes. I think. And another example, I think when we're choosing a restaurant as a family, right?
An example might be, I'm deciding where we eat tonight.
I feel like I've been a pushover lately.
Or like, maybe I'm asking to go to Indian every night.
I'm like, oh, I'm craving, you know, aloo gobi.
And everyone's like, nope, we're going to do Mexican.
And I'm like, okay, I'm being a pushover.
Then I might finally stand up for what I want.
Yeah, you can pull up what you've done before and use that as a reason to go with your way that time.
I love that. All right. I should get my way every now and then.
I mean, I think so. Because if you don't, I mean, doesn't that kind of fester a little bit sometimes emotionally and you get annoyed and then it kind of comes out or something?
For sure. Get upset, something like that?
Yeah, I would think so. I think one thing to point out, because these are all so idiomatic.
They do have to be used word for word. When we were teaching letting people walk all over you, I accidentally said letting people walk on you.
And I immediately corrected myself. So I'm like, no, that's wrong.
That sounds weird. We don't say it that way.
It's so tricky with idioms. If you don't say it word for word, letting people walk all over you, the meaning is lost.
And it's like, wait, do you mean literally walk on you?
Like you're sitting on the floor? Yeah. Yeah.
Like walk on stones or something. Tony Robbins conference.
No, no, no, no. Yeah, that's a good point, Aubrey.
So let people walk all over you. We can't say it any other way.
Exactly. And pushover, you will often hear this, the sort of the verb push be used in other ways here.
Like you might hear that he's letting himself be pushed around or I feel like I often get pushed around, right?
Which is sort of the same meaning as being a pushover. or someone trying to take advantage of you.
And so you'll also hear it used that way.
Okay. I love it. Should we go to our role play here, Aubrey, and show our listeners how to do it?
Yes. Let's do it. You and I are discussing where to go to dinner.
Okay. I'll start us out. I'm excited to go out.
I feel like people were walking all over me at school today and I'm not up to cooking.
I'm craving Thai. Does that sound good to you?
Sure. Or maybe we could get tacos. I'm okay with tacos if that's what you want.
Don't be such a pushover. We can get high.
I was testing you. Maybe that's why people are walking all over you at school.
You're being a doormat. You're right. I need to stand up for myself more.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. I love that.
Because I'm like, how can I use all of these terms?
I'm like, oh, I could have you like tease me and be like, why are you being such a doormat?
I was testing you. Stand up for what you want.
I love that. I love that. So let's go through the usage here.
So you said, I feel like people were walking all over me at school today, right?
So again, you felt like you weren't being heard.
Yeah. Or maybe like we're assigned a group project and I'm doing all the work and no one's helping.
I'd be like, ugh, people are walking all over me.
And again, it's me allowing that. I'm not insisting they do their part, right?
I'm allowing people to walk all over me.
Yeah. Did that happen to you in grad school?
Because that can happen in graduate school.
Absolutely. It happened a few times. And I'm like, it was easier for me just to do all the work than to harass people and try to get them to do anything.
That's tough. Yeah. I saw that happening a lot in graduate school because people are working full-time jobs and then group work is common in grad school.
And so that's tough. That's really tough.
Oh, no. Yeah. All right, what else? So then you said, don't be such a pushover when I was like, okay, sure, we can do what you want.
And this, we will use this to tease like this to be fun and friendly, right?
If you say to somebody, if they are allowing themselves to be pushed around, just be like, don't be such a pushover.
Yeah, exactly. And then I'm following up here.
I'm saying maybe that's why people are walking all over you at school.
You're being a doormat, right? So I'm being very direct here.
And we'd have to be pretty good friends or pretty close, maybe cousins or something or sisters to be able to talk this way to each other, right?
Absolutely. This is totally a conversation I would have with my sister, right?
I'm complaining about people walking all over me, but then I'm sharing more details.
And she's like, okay, you're being a doormat.
So why are you letting them walk all over you?
Do something about it. yeah and i think it's important this it could be different in your personal life versus work and another day we can talk about how this could manifest at work and how to kind of push back on things i guess we've probably done a few episodes around that concept right aubry Yeah, because that is a really vital skill and it's difficult for certain personalities, right?
Some people find it easier to ask for what they want or ask for promotions and stand up for themselves and others might just not ever do it.
So that can be really tricky. Yeah, we can get into that another day.
I like it. What's the takeaway for today?
Well, number one, don't be a doormat. Like as we thought through this, I'm like, I'm not a doormat.
If you look at that definition of, you know, not standing up for yourself when people are treating you badly, right?
That's generally right. Don't let people treat you badly.
Stand up for yourself. But there is kind of a fine line between being a peacemaker, avoiding confrontation and being a total pushover.
Right. And then there's also, as I said before, being a little bit diplomatic, not being tone deaf, not feeling like you always have to say your opinion in a like a bull in a china shop type of thing.
Right. Like that can also be really hard to be around.
So it really depends on the culture, the situation, the personality.
There's a lot here, Aubrey. For sure. And I feel like this vocabulary is so great to spark conversations.
I would love to have this conversation with anyone I know, just to ask them, like you were saying about the number score you got for this, right?
I want to know if people consider themselves a pushover.
It's interesting just to ask people about their character traits.
Yes, I love it. So good. We'll come back to it, but it all comes back to connection, right?
So know yourself and then know how to connect with that knowledge of yourself and your own personality.
Love it. So good, Audrey. All right. You have a good day.
I'll see you soon. You too. See you next time.
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