Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your Anything you want advice on.
And then I give you my unprofessional advice.
And today's topic is awkwardness. which is particularly relevant in my life because the other day, like I'm talking about three days ago, I went to a social event.
For the first time, in probably like a month, okay?
I like really haven't been out lately. And then I went to a social event and let me tell you, I felt awkward.
For the first time in a long time, I felt really awkward.
And I think part of it was the nature of the event.
It was just kind of an awkward event. But also...
I was out of practice. I hadn't been out in a while.
And on top of that, I don't drink alcohol.
So I have nothing to hide behind. Like if I'm feeling a little bit rusty, oops, just going to have to deal with it because I can't drink to loosen up.
So I was incredibly awkward. And I had to deal with it.
I had to manage it. And so... I don't know, I feel particularly primed to discuss this topic today.
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Now back to the episode. Somebody said, should I stay friends with my crush after I confessed my feelings and it didn't go anywhere?
We've been friends, so I'm not really sure what to do now.
Well, I think the first thing you need to ask yourself is, can you handle being friends?
Because being friends with somebody you have a crush on is not easy emotionally.
You have to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can handle it.
Can you handle this person going off and dating somebody else?
Can you handle having romantic feelings for this person and constantly being reminded that they don't feel the same way because you have to be around them all the time because you're friends?
Can you handle that stuff? If the answer is yes, then great.
Yes, I think you should be friends. If the answer is no, then I think you might want to take a step back from the friendship for a Not necessarily forever, but you have to be honest with yourself because if you continue to be friends... you might cause yourself unnecessary levels of psychological pain, when just stepping back, maybe taking a few months off the friendship could help maybe let the crush dwindle so that then you can go back and be actual friends with no romantic feelings involved.
Do you know what I'm saying? But if you feel like, no, I can handle it.
I'm strong. And our friendship is worth so much to me that I want to push through and I want to continue to be friends.
And I think I can do it. then do it. I think absolutely do it.
And if you're like, wait, but how do we go back to being friends after I just confessed my love and it was not reciprocated?
What do I do? I have a few suggestions.
I mean, I think option one, you could just go back to normal It might feel a little bit forced at first because it is, but I don't know.
You can kind of fake it till you make it.
Fake that everything's normal. Fake that you're not a little bit sad that you got rejected.
And then eventually that will become real.
You won't be upset that you got rejected anymore and the friendship will return to normal.
Listen, I love communication and 99.9% of the time, I'm going to suggest communicating, But I think there are moments when you don't necessarily have to, like things can go unspoken and I think that's okay.
And so that's one potential. way that you could handle it just pretend to go back to normal and then eventually if all goes well things do go back to normal you know there might be some rough moments if like your crush starts dating somebody and you're not fully over the crush yet or whatever.
Those things might happen, but... Through strength and talking yourself through it, I think you can get through it. and eventually things can go back to normal.
And I think, especially if you're in a friend group together, like a large friend group, I think this might be the most seamless way to proceed, you know?
But that might feel too unnatural for you.
Either it feels too fake for you and you're like, I just can't pretend like everything is okay.
Like that's... just not the type of person I am.
I can't fake it like that. That feels wrong.
Or perhaps you tried to fake it for a little bit and it didn't work.
Like things feel off. and the friendship, just like, it's not clicking the way it used to, and there's a bit too much awkwardness and tension.
Then perhaps you sit them down and have a casual little conversation.
Maybe invite them to lunch. Maybe find a moment alone with them that's appropriate.
And be like, listen, I know it's a little weird because I kind of confessed my love for you and didn't really go anywhere.
That's totally fine. I just want to go back to being friends.
How do you think we can do that? Like, what's the best way for us to do that?
What do you think? Ask them... how they suggest that you proceed.
They might be like, oh, maybe it makes sense if we have a few months of space, Or perhaps we just pretend like nothing's wrong and we just go back to normal.
Or perhaps we have like a weekly check-in and communicate about how we're both feeling.
You know, Figure it out with the other person.
I don't know. If you're feeling stuck and you're feeling lost, sometimes the best thing you can do is put it all out on the table. with the other person that you're dealing with.
Instead of trying to figure it out all on your own, Ask the other person involved in the situation.
See if they have any ideas. Let them help you.
And listen, I feel like the way that I'm discussing it is almost making light of something and that is not that simple, is not that easy, you know, because I do know how complicated this is and how emotional this is.
And so I don't want to make light of it, but I do feel like you can get through it.
Do you know what I'm saying? Like you don't have to self-destruct.
The friendship doesn't have to end. It might be a little bit uncomfortable for a little bit.
You might have to force... being supportive if they start dating somebody new.
You might have to force... yourself not to like flirt with them if you want to.
Like these things might happen, but eventually I think that that can dissipate.
I think it could also be particularly helpful to start making new friends with people who you could potentially be attracted to.
Like, go to a few more parties in the next few months.
Start hanging out with a new friend group that has some people that you find charming and attractive in the group. start diversifying who you hang out with so that you can put your romantic energy elsewhere.
You know, I think it can be really hard when you have a crush on someone to move on from that crush Unless you have some new options.
Now, some people might argue that that's unhealthy and that's like... a crush rebound in a way, but I actually don't think so necessarily.
I think we have love and romance in our hearts, and...
We want to have crushes and we want to be excited about sex.
It's very human nature. It's very natural.
And it can be very hard to move on from one unless you have a place to put that energy next.
And again, I don't suggest a rebound, but this is a crush.
This isn't a relationship. So I think it's not really a rebound because it's not that serious.
It's just a crush. Like, I think... In this scenario, it's much healthier to move on to a new crush as soon as you can.
Because it's not... Does that make sense?
I don't know. I feel like that's fine. Whereas when you're in a relationship, you're mourning... a relationship, you're missing your ex, it's a bit more dangerous to just move on and start dating somebody new immediately.
Because dating and relationships are much more serious.
You know, the stakes are higher. There's much more emotion involved, much more commitment involved.
It's very different. And to rebound and just start dating somebody really quickly can potentially harm you and the other person's emotions.
Whereas like, just... kind of putting yourself out there and putting yourself in situations where you might find a new crush.
That's much more harmless to me. And I think it could be incredibly helpful because it doesn't make sense anymore to have that energy towards this person But yet I don't know what to do with that energy.
It can be helpful to find someone else or to just start looking for someone else.
But I think friendship is so important and it is rare to find people And so I think to throw away a friendship because there was a brief romantic element and it didn't work out like that's a shame to me.
And so I kind of advise against it. I think if you can find a way to continue the friendship, whether that's...
Short term or long term. Like, short term meaning, like, continue the friendship immediately.
Just try to, you know, go back to normal through... self-talk and potentially, you know, conversation with the person or long-term, which means, you know, taking a little break from the friendship, stepping back and potentially finding somebody new to have a crush on and then returning to the friendship later.
I just think it's worth preserving. This episode is brought to you by eBay.
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Somebody said, I fell out with my friend group because they did me very wrong. but we're still in the same classes together.
Do I act like nothing is wrong around them to avoid awkwardness?
I don't know what to do. I would say you shouldn't pretend nothing is wrong.
Like you shouldn't go completely back to normal.
Because when you were friends... You treated them with the utmost warmth and kindness and love. and that doesn't really make sense anymore.
Do you know what I mean? They did you wrong, and you need to honor that.
Going back to normal completely I think, erases what happened.
And you don't want to do that. But you also don't want to be cold and rude and mean.
Because that's stooping, right? Like they treated you like shit.
They did you very wrong. That doesn't mean now you should do them wrong and treat them with disrespect and rudeness, you know?
You want to find a healthy balance. And I think the way to find that balance is is to keep your distance as much as possible, avoid contact as much as possible.
You don't need to run away from them. But I would avoid talking to them as much as possible because there's no reason to.
You found out their true colors. These are not people you need to be around anymore.
So keep your distance as much as possible.
But in the situations when you need to talk... you need to interact.
Perhaps you're working on a project together or, I don't know, you're like standing in line to receive your test for from the teacher at their desk and everybody's in a line and you happen to be behind one of these ex-friends. you know, you might have to interact.
I would say when you do interact, keep it respectful, keep it cordial, and keep it brief.
Almost like business. I think of it like business.
It's like, keep it surface level. Keep it respectful, but it doesn't need to be overwhelmingly warm.
It doesn't need to be complimentary of them.
Like I'm somebody who's a people pleaser.
So like if I'm around somebody who did me wrong, I have a tendency to like, want to just keep the peace and smooth things out.
So I'll even find myself overcompensating and being like, Oh my God, I love your outfit.
And it's like, this is somebody who genuinely treated me badly.
Why am I kissing their ass? But sometimes...
We have a we don't we want to sort of smooth things out.
We want things to be resolved. And so we might. overcompensate and be overly nice trying to make things normal again.
But I don't think that that's necessary or or deserve, like I don't think they deserve that if they really truly did wrong you.
I think the key thing to keep in mind is distance and respect that's it And also keep in mind that you're not going to have to be around these people forever.
You're in a class with them now. Next year, you might not be in a class with them.
This is going to be over before you know it.
So just try to be neutral. Try to sort of...
I don't know, try to move on from them enough that you don't even really think about them anymore.
Yeah, they're in your class. Yeah, it's a little bit awkward and uncomfortable, but try to move on to the point where it's not consuming you. make new friends, join a club at school, start hanging out with new people so that the memory of their wrongdoings is less fresh on your mind.
You're more focused on your new group of friends.
Yeah, okay, moving on. Somebody said, how do I stop being so awkward at social events?
I feel like I never fit in with the group.
Well, as I mentioned earlier, this literally just happened to me.
So it's very fresh on my mind. In my particular situation, when I felt kind of awkward at this social event recently...
It wasn't because I was alone and my friends weren't there.
That was not the case. I had friends with me.
It was because the nature of the event was sort of awkward.
Like, I don't know, there was a lot of really loud music.
It was a party and it was really hard to talk. because it was so loud.
But also I was not in the mood necessarily to like dance because So I was too tired.
I was actually really exhausted. So I could not get myself to like dance. but it was too loud to talk.
And on top of that, I hadn't been out in a while.
I was kind of rusty socially. And so it was just tough.
And you know what I did? I just faked it until I made it.
Like I felt kind of awkward. I felt kind of uncomfortable.
I felt like I don't really know what to do with myself at this event.
So you want to know what I did? I owned it.
I was like, you know what? I don't want to dance, but I don't also really necessarily feel like I can talk because it's too loud.
So I'm just going to people watch and I'm just going to own it.
Like I'm not going to overthink what I'm doing.
And then eventually I, I ended up going outside and hanging out outside where it wasn't super loud.
And then I felt much less awkward because I was like, you know what?
I'm too tired to dance. It's hard for me to be inside right now.
But outside, there's actually quite a few people out here.
And I'm in the mood to talk. I could talk.
So I ended up talking and that ended up making more sense.
And I didn't feel as awkward because I could actually participate in a way that...
I felt comfortable with in the moment. And so that was how I personally handled my most recent kinda awkward social event.
But I have a few tips for you that might help, okay?
Because every social event is different and...
So I'm just going to give some sweeping advice, okay?
I think the first tip I have, attend social events with people you feel safe with. your closest friends, your sister, your cousin, whoever you feel the most comfortable with.
Go with people that make you feel safe that don't judge you. that can really help with sort of creating this protective emotional barrier around you. when you're in this group and you have sort of a safety blanket in other people.
Now, listen. Do I think that it's an incredibly useful and powerful skill to be able to show up to an event alone? and make yourself comfortable?
Yes, absolutely. But if you're somebody who's naturally awkward at social events, you don't need to get to that point immediately.
You don't need to rush yourself into that evolved state.
Like, you can't force that. That takes time.
And so I think practicing... being social and social events with the security blanket of familiar people can be incredibly helpful.
Because it's almost like social training wheels, having people around you who make you feel comfortable, who can help pick up the conversation when it lulls.
That is such a useful tool to just help you practice, right?
So if you're somebody who feels awkward, don't force yourself to go to something alone.
Like there have been times where I've been maybe in a more socially awkward phase of my life.
And I'm like, I literally can't psychologically handle that. going to this social event alone.
Like I can't do it. So I either need to bring somebody or not go.
And there have been times where nobody's been available to come with me.
And so I just don't go because I am like, I just can't do it.
And again, some people might argue like, well, that's a growth opportunity.
And like, you shouldn't miss out on a social event.
But Sometimes you know yourself enough to know that it might be a growth opportunity, but it's not worth it.
Like you just can't handle it or you're just not ready.
You know, bring people you feel safe with, but also be selective with the events that you attend.
Like, Avoid ones that clash with your personality.
Attend events with people who have similar interests to you, where there's a fun activity that you want to participate in.
If you're somebody who loves dancing and when you're dancing to music and there's a bunch of people around, You feel comfortable.
You feel safe. You feel yourself. Go to parties where you know that there's going to be dancing.
You know there's going to be a dance floor, you know? if you're the opposite and you're like, oh my God, I really don't like dancing.
Like dancing makes me so uncomfortable. I get so awkward.
I don't know how to dance. I don't like it.
Maybe you can work up to that. But for now, maybe go to a game night.
Go to a trivia night at a bar. Go to like a vibey sort of... party or bar or whatever that doesn't have super loud music.
You know, go somewhere where you can talk or participate in a game or activity and Because that will set you up for success.
Establish an understanding of what types of people you like to hang out with and what types of activities you like to do socially, and then find those types of events.
Don't force yourself. to go to something that you don't like to do.
It's okay to be like, you know what, I don't really like dancing at the club, I feel awkward.
I feel uncomfortable. It's just not me. That's okay.
Like maybe one day, again, you can work up to it.
Maybe one day... it'll appeal to you. But if it's not appealing to you right now and it's making you feel awkward, it's okay to avoid those events and to put a little bit of extra effort in and find events that make sense for you to attend.
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Next, fake it till you make it, okay? If you end up in a situation... where maybe things aren't ideal.
Maybe there are activities going on that make you feel awkward, like dancing, or maybe it's a particularly chatty event.
Like, you know, there's not a lot of music and everybody's talking and maybe you... kind of struggle with knowing how to interject into the group and stuff like that.
That's okay. That's going to happen. Fake it till you make it.
Pretend that you're confident. in your dancing skills.
Pretend that you're confident in your conversation skills.
Pretend convince yourself that you are.
Don't overthink it. Just try to like... Which is such bad advice, actually, because it's like, if you're an overthinker, and I definitely am, it's like impossible to just stop overthinking.
But... Try to relax and convince yourself that you got this because the truth is you do.
And I'm not just saying that. everyone on this planet.
There is not one person on this planet. that is too awkward to be saved.
That doesn't exist. It is in every human being.
To like, not be awkward. Okay? It's in everyone.
So you have it in you. You're just... either overthinking it or experiencing things socially that maybe are like kind of foreign to you.
Like you might be talking to new people that you've never met.
You know, you might be dealing with characters that are unusual, like whatever, but like it is in you to not be awkward.
And so... fake it till you make it. And that doesn't mean that you need to be like loud, like overly outgoing and That doesn't mean you need to like not be yourself.
It's more about faking the confidence. Fake the confidence to make the joke that's in the back of your head.
You know, fake the confidence to be quiet and just listen. like just fake the confidence to just exist in it and enjoy it for what it is.
Because I can guarantee you think that you're being more awkward than you are.
And guess what? Even if you are being awkward, that's normal.
It happens to so many people and there's nothing wrong with it. but it can be heavily alleviated by just faking the confidence.
And something that I think really helps with faking confidence is using fashion and self-expression as a confidence booster.
Dress like who you wanna be. Dress like the most confident person outgoing social version of yourself, whatever that means for you.
Like for me, when I really wanna be social and I'm maybe having a hard time, I'll wear kind of a hot outfit.
Like that's when I'm whipping out like the tight leather pants and like, the gorgeous halter top with an exposed back and I'm whipping out the kitten heel.
Like when I really need... a bit of an extra confidence boost, that's what I'm doing.
You know, I'm leaning into... the clothing that makes me feel the most confident.
I'm putting on makeup in a way that makes me feel extra confident.
When you dress as your most confident self and you present yourself as your most confident self, that will help you feel more that way.
Is it going to solve every problem? No, but it makes it easier to tap into that side of yourself because again, it is in you.
And last but not least, practice makes perfect.
Practice, practice, practice. The more you put yourself in social situations, the better you'll be at handling it. the better you'll be at knowing how to interject.
It's really just practice. And so put yourself into as many social situations... as you can that feel like a good fit for you.
And next thing you know, it'll be easy for you.
Listen, it might take six months. It might take two years.
But if you continue this practice of like...
I'm gonna push through the discomfort. I'm gonna put myself in these social situations and rise to the occasion. and fake it till I make it and look my best and bring a friend to like make me feel better.
I'm going to fucking do this and I'm going to do it the best I possibly can.
The more you do that. the easier it gets.
Okay, next, somebody said, how do I deal with a girl that always comes for my boyfriends?
She's done it twice now. Okay, well, you need to stay away from this person.
This girl is a little toxic. There is no excuse for anyone trying to steal someone's significant other.
Like, that is just... Bad morals. That's just dark.
That's somebody who is... incredibly insecure in themselves, very jealous of other people in a way that is unhealthy.
I think sometimes jealousy is inevitable and, you know, But, like, this is somebody who has an overwhelming level of jealousy to the point where they can't even control their own impulses.
Like, they're just trying to... alleviate those feelings of jealousy by any means necessary.
And that might mean stealing somebody's boyfriend because what is more of a confidence booster? than to steal someone's boyfriend.
It's like, oh my God, they chose me over their own girlfriend.
I'm awesome then. You don't want to be around people like that.
So you need to avoid this person at all costs.
But that's kind of obvious. If for whatever reason you're in a situation where you can't get away from this person, Sounds like you can't because if they've done this twice, you know, it sounds like you either work with this person or they're at your school or or they're in your friend group.
I mean, if they're in your friend group, you can get away and you might want to.
But if they're at school with you or something, I think the first step is to have a conversation with your boyfriend and just explain the situation.
Be like, listen, this girl, for whatever reason, tried... to steal my last boyfriend and is now trying to steal you.
This is like something that this poor girl does for sport.
It makes me really uncomfortable. I don't really know how to handle it.
And I just ask you... to be aware of it and to not participate in it, which, I mean, should be obvious.
But like... I don't know. It can be hard sometimes.
If your boyfriend isn't aware... that this girl has a tendency to try to steal your boyfriends.
He might just think, oh, she's being nice and, like, she's really nice.
It's a little bit weird, but, like, I don't, you know, I don't want to be rude and, like... not be nice back or whatever, but it can be helpful for your boyfriend to just understand the situation so that he can keep an even more safe distance than maybe he would otherwise.
Right. That's probably step one. Communicate with your boyfriend the situation.
And then step two is a bit more complicated.
You're going to kind of just have to let it go.
Like, listen, could you... Could you technically sit her down and be like, you can't keep doing this?
Yes. But like, I don't know. I don't like to believe anyone's like. their behavior makes them so far gone that like they're not worth having conversation with.
I don't believe that that's true, but this is a pretty evil action.
And it's pretty like, again, it's pretty low moral wise.
Like this person clearly has... a pretty shaky moral compass, I don't know... I don't know how a conversation would go.
Like, I can't in good faith say... sit this girl down and be like, hey, I've noticed that you've been doing this.
You've done it twice now. It really makes me uncomfortable and it makes it hard to be around.
Like, you could try that. But to be honest, if somebody's doing something like this, I just don't think they're even going to listen.
Do you know what I mean? They're clearly not in a place... where they want to improve because that's such an evil thing to do.
I'm not saying that they're evil, you know?
But this is an evil thing to do. So I don't know if it even makes sense to like sit her down and talk to her about it.
I think you might just have to let it go and trust that your boyfriend is going to handle it respectfully. towards everyone, respectfully towards you as his girlfriend, but also respectfully towards her.
Even though she's doing something wrong, morally wrong, you know, you still need to be respectful.
So I think... This honestly is a test to your relationship in a way.
It's like, can you guys handle somebody trying to come in and rattle the whole thing?
And if the answer is yes, and he can handle it, and he does know how to create boundaries with her and not... do anything that's disrespectful to you in an attempt to be respectful to her, if he can find a balance and figure out how to be respectful to everyone involved,
Either by rejecting her and saying, hey, I can tell that you're trying to like, you know.
I see what's going on here. And like, I'm very much dating this person and like, it's just not going to happen.
Whether it's that or, Because, I mean, I really think it's like, again, if you were to sit her down and say, stop, that's only going to make her want to do it more, probably.
Yeah. using context clues based on what type of person she probably is.
So it's like it makes more sense to kind of leave it in your boyfriend's hands.
And if he handles it well, that's a keeper, you know?
And if he doesn't, And I mean, God forbid, like she steals him successfully.
Well, that's not a good boyfriend anyway.
I think you use it as a test for the relationship.
And if you guys pass the test, then that's a sign that you have a really strong, wonderful relationship. is really special.
And I mean, the truth is there's always gonna be temptation in relationships.
There's always gonna be something. Like if it's not this girl, it's something else.
You know, it's a girl at work. It's a girl that your boyfriend works with.
It's... Your boyfriend's family friend who's a hot girl and they grew up together.
Like, there's always something. There's always someone.
Yeah. And I think overcoming those discomforts together, overcoming those challenges together, builds a stronger relationship or... shows you that it's maybe not the right match.
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Please fuse responsibly. Okay, next. Somebody said, how do I be kind to somebody that I'm low-key jealous of?
Is that fake of me? I do want to be a kind person.
I would say that this is a multi-step process, right?
This is definitely tough and can feel awkward because it's like...
Deep down, you have these visceral feelings about this person that are... somewhat negative right like I would say jealousy for the most part is kind of a negative emotion and But then to be like, wait, but I can't express that.
Like, I can't express my jealousy or... or sort of frustration, I need to be nice, it's awkward, it's clunky, it's weird, it's confusing.
I would say that handling this is a multi-step process.
Step one, put your jealousy towards this girl into perspective.
This girl might have some things that you wish you had, but I can almost guarantee, I actually can guarantee. that there's shit in her life that you would not want because nobody's life is perfect.
And that's why often jealousy is a waste of energy.
Like... I'm not kidding. If you were to pluck out any celebrity that you... are jealous of and their life looks perfect on the internet and you were to actually understand their lives, there would be elements of it where you're like, ooh, I really wouldn't want that.
Even people with the most idyllic lives, like celebrities, right?
If even celebrities who have the most idyllic lives have elements of every single one of their lives, that is not ideal, that is challenging, that is not enviable, then that... definitely applies everywhere else.
Do you know what I'm saying? It's like... Because celebrities are the people's lives that we admire the most.
And... It's on such a grand scale. And even then it's irrational, I think, to an extent.
I mean, listen, is it normal to be a little envious of people sometimes?
Of course. Like, I'm envious of people, but not to the point where I'm experiencing overwhelming jealousy.
I think overwhelming jealousy that takes over the mind is rooted in a level of delusion.
I think it's actually delusional. It's... putting people on a pedestal and imagining their life to be something that is so perfect. that it's unrealistic.
A lot of times jealousy is not rooted in the reality of what someone's life actually is.
You don't know what goes on behind the scenes.
You don't know what type of psychological issues this girl has.
You don't know what type of issues she has with her family.
You don't know what type of... mental health struggles she's dealing with.
I think I just said that. Did I say that already?
Whatever. But you don't know, like, what her friendships... really are like, you don't know what her romantic relationships really like.
You have no idea. There's so much you don't know.
And so you're assuming a lot of stuff and you're assuming inaccurately perfect.
No one's life is perfect. Like there are so many wonderful things about my life. like wonderful things that I'm so incredibly grateful for.
And I'm knocking on wood because I'm really superstitious. and I'm trying not to be as superstitious, but I'm really... Well, that actually leads us to...
What about my life is not enviable, which is that my brain is a prison.
I am so anxious. I have OCD. Like, I have...
My brain is exhausting. And listen, a lot of people have that.
You know what I mean? And there are so many things about my life that are so wonderful.
But if there was someone who was jealous of me, who maybe they were jealous of...
I don't know, maybe somebody is jealous of, like maybe I'm dating somebody and they're like, oh, I'm so jealous, like she's dating that person.
Well, maybe they don't have severe anxiety and OCD.
You know what I'm saying? And panic attacks.
The grass is always greener. Do you know what I'm saying?
The grass is always greener. And listen...
There are people who exist who have on paper technically maybe more ideal lives than us.
That is a universal experience. There's always someone who has... a better life than us.
Like if we were to look for it, we can all find it.
Even if you have a bazillion dollars and you're super hot and conventionally attractive and you have the best relationship and the best friends. you could still probably find somebody who has the life that you wish you had.
It's just, it's like, if you want to find that, if you want to be jealous, you'll find it, you know?
Yeah. And so I think it's so important to put jealousy as a feeling into perspective and realize that... a lot of times it's not rooted in reality.
That's step one. Step two, I would say, is to reframe how you look at jealousy.
Instead of it nagging at you, instead of it making you feel bad about yourself, instead Instead, try to find inspiration in it.
I've really actually gotten good at this.
I mean, there are still moments when I get jealous of people it definitely happens.
I think, again, it's a universal experience.
And every time I encounter someone and feel a little bit jealous, I have to work to get myself out of that.
You know what I mean? I have to go through these steps that I'm describing right now.
But... use it as inspiration. You know, if you're jealous of somebody's career, let that inspire you to work even harder in your career. to think outside the box with your career.
If you're jealous of somebody's group of friends, Let that inspire you to like find a group of friends, you know, start participating in social hobbies, try to build a group of friends.
You know, if you're jealous of... how somebody looks.
Maybe they have incredible style. Let that inspire you to like... up your game with your style.
You know, get better at doing your hair.
You get the idea. Let it inspire you. Like, try to shift jealousy to admiration.
And it's not easy to do and it takes practice and it takes mindfulness and it takes like... almost like rerouting your thought process, like when you start to feel jealous, being like, wait a minute. let me turn this inward.
How can I take elements of this person that's making me feel jealous and figure out a way to let it inspire me.
And instead of thinking about them, how can I... change my thought patterns to then think about myself and what I can do to make myself even better of a person.
Because we're all works in progress and there's always more that we can do.
So I try to reframe it like that. Like how can I become confident about the thing that I'm jealous about in the other person?
How can I become confident about that within myself?
Because again, we underestimate how capable we are.
We look at other people and we're like, oh, like...
They have all this stuff. I could never have all this stuff.
Yeah, you probably can't. Actually, now you probably can.
Yeah, you can. Like... We all have it in us to do amazing, magical, life-changing things.
And if we look at others and feel jealous, then we keep ourselves where we are.
Whereas if we look at other people and feel inspired, we can become like them.
And so I think reframing how you view jealousy... accepting that it's normal, not beating yourself up for experiencing it, but reframing it, putting it into perspective and, And then trying to actively shift it into inspiration instead, I think naturally helps jealousy sort of...
It alleviates jealousy, I think. Then if done successfully, you don't even need to fake be nice to this girl that you're jealous of.
It doesn't need to feel fake. It doesn't need to feel awkward You can just genuinely admire her.
And you can say that to her face, say that you admire her.
You know, you don't need to be fake nice.
You can be really nice. You can be real nice.
You know what I'm saying? And that's a really wonderful, wonderful thing.
And listen, if you did steps one and two, And you're still struggling.
You're still struggling with that feeling of jealousy.
It hasn't quite alleviated yet. You know, this stuff takes time.
To actively use your jealousy as inspiration and then... to actually build confidence in the areas that you were feeling insecure about, thus feeling jealous about.
That takes time, right? It's not going to happen overnight.
So if you're like, wait, what do I do in the interim?
Maybe you fake it. Be fake nice. It's always better to be fake nice than to let Your negative feelings show through you never want to do that if you can avoid that I think you should so like Being fake nice temporarily as sort of like a quick fix, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
As long as you're being nice and as long as you're being respectful, you'll never regret that.
Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it in the interim.
And then eventually you won't have to fake it anymore if you do the work.
But faking it in the meantime, there's nothing wrong with it.
Okay, next. Somebody said, how do I deal with mean girls who try to be fake nice?
It seems like I'm the only one that notices because no one else ever says anything.
But it really rubs me the wrong way. This is so frustrating.
And it is awkward because it's like you can't bring it up to other people and be like...
You guys, are you guys not noticing that these girls are not actually nice?
Like they're incredibly fake. You can't bring that up because then you look like the bad guy.
And also like if somebody is being nice on the surface, even if it seems like it's ingenuine, at least they're being nice.
Like you can't really say anything about that.
You know what I mean? To be honest, I think your best bet with this is to keep your distance from these people.
Why be around them? If anyone ever is rubbing you the wrong way, go away.
Avoid them. Keep your distance. as much as possible.
And guess what? If other people like them, there's nothing you can do about that.
Get as far away as possible. Make a new group of friends.
Avoid doing anything with them. Just go away, you know?
And again, if you're like in school together, you're at work together, that's a bit more challenging, but it's still doable.
It's okay to be like, you know what? These people rub me the wrong way.
I just need to keep my distance. You can't get other people to do it with you.
It's up to them who they want to spend their time with.
You have to take it upon yourself to pull yourself out of that situation and place yourself with people who make you feel good, who don't rub you the wrong way.
That is up to you. Yeah, it sucks that no one else is saying anything, but guess what?
Maybe that just means you're around the wrong people.
If they're not noticing the fakeness, then they don't have the same sort of social philosophy as you they don't have the same sort of social sense as you And maybe that's just the wrong fit.
And that's pretty much all the advice I can give on that.
It's pretty simple, but it's like that's really the only solution I can think of.
And that's it. Those are all of the dilemmas I'm going to be facing with you all today.
And I hope you enjoyed it. And if you did...
Have no fear because there's new episodes of Advice Session every other Sunday here on Anything Goes, which there are episodes every Thursday and Sunday.
So yeah. I'm around here a lot. And you can come hang out whenever you want.
But if you particularly love advice session, that's every other Sunday.
And anything goes. It's on all platforms that you stream podcasts.
But if you want to watch video and watch me talk...
That is on YouTube and Spotify and anything goes on social media and anything goes and I'm on the internet and I'm a Chamberlain and my coffee company is on the internet and in the world. under the name Chamberlain Coffee.
And that's all I have for today. I love you all.
And I appreciate you all. And it's always truly a joy to spend time with you and to chat and to shoot the shit.
And luckily for us, we get to talk again very soon.
I love you. I appreciate you. And I'll see you in a few days.
Peace and love. Bye.
